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Chapter One

“I can’t help feeling as if this is my last chance,” Evan said. 

He was sitting opposite Dr. Lorne, a psychiatrist at the Havilland 

Recovery Cabin in northwestern New Jersey. It was the next to 

last day of his fourth pass through a twenty-eight day program for 

sex and alcohol addiction. The sex addiction was questionable; the 

alcohol was not.

“I’m not sure I understand what you mean by your last 

chance,” said Dr. Lorne. He sat at his desk in the usual position: 

leaning back in his chair, with his elbow on the blotter, tapping a 

ballpoint pen against his chin. He showed no emotion or any signs 

of bias. There were times when Evan felt like kicking him in the 

leg to see if he was still breathing.

But Evan Littlefield had been through enough sessions like 

this to know Dr. Lorne wanted to draw out his feelings and emo-

tions without influencing him. This was the first time Evan had 

ever been this honest in all the times he’d been to rehab. He spoke 

in a smooth even tone, without much emotion. “I can’t keep doing 

this,” Evan said. “It’s become a way of life and I’m tired. It has to 

stick this time. I want to write again, I want to enjoy my kid while 

he’s still a kid, and I want my life back once and for all. And I’m 

going to get all this, and more, if it kills me this time. Because 

I’d rather be dead than go back to waking up drunk in the back of 

some strange guy’s pick-up truck, with my head between his legs 

and an empty bottle of vodka in my hand.”

“Do you think you’re putting more pressure on yourself this 

time?” Dr. Lorne asked. Nothing Evan said ever seemed to shock 

him.

“I love all bars, not just gay bars,” Evan said. It was the first 

time he’d ever admitted this aloud to anyone. “I love bars where 

there are men drinking and looking for nothing but casual sex. I 

love that hungry look in their eyes and the way they smell and feel. 

I love the way they look at me. The first time I ever went into a bar 

I felt as if I’d gone home again. I’d never felt so comfortable in my 

life. All the stress and anxiety and problems in the world disap-

peared within those dark walls. And that was a straight bar. When I 

started going to gay bars and I realized the power I had over other 

men there, it felt as if I’d won the lottery and nothing was beyond 

my reach. Combine that feeling of elation with vodka and you get 

the most fantastic concoction the universe has ever known. But it 

gets tired after a while, and soon you begin to block out reality and 

nothing else matters but getting drunk and pleasing other men. It 

reaches the point where you can’t stop thinking about your next 

drink. And I just can’t do it anymore. I want to know what it’s like 

to walk past a bar and not feel as if I’m going to shatter into a mil-

lion little pieces. I’m turning thirty years old soon and I know deep 

down that if I don’t get it right this time I might not get another 

chance.”

“Does turning thirty bother you?”

Evan shrugged and said, “It’s an interesting feeling. It’s like 

saying good-bye to a youth I’m not sure I ever really had. I’ll be 

completely honest with you. What I’d love to do is celebrate turn-

ing thirty by taking on thirty rough football players in a locker 

room with thirty bottles of vodka. But I’m not going to do that any-

more. I’ve been lucky in one respect, and I know it. I didn’t always 

have safe sex and I could be in a very different position right now. 

How I managed to dodge the HIV bullet I don’t know. How I man-

aged to avoid herpes I don’t know. But I’m not taking any more 

chances, and turning thirty is just another fucking number. I’ll be 

spending this birthday with my son and friends.”

“Do you feel apprehensive about going back out into the world 

after what happened?” the doctor asked.

Evan had been through enough therapy sessions to know that 

Lorne was trying to see if he had post-traumatic stress syndrome 

because of what he’d experienced right before he’d been admitted 

to Havilland this last time. “Not at all,” he said. “I was so drunk 

that night I don’t even remember what happened to me. I only 

know what I was told. And you can’t be afraid of something you 

don’t remember.”

At the end of that final session, Evan thanked Dr. Lorne for 

everything he’d done and he went back to his room to pack his 

bags. The Havilland treatment center wasn’t really a cabin. It was 

a large brick mansion on a luxurious estate that had been built in 

the late 1920s by an industrial tycoon who’d spent fifty years of his 

life there. When he died, the family donated the five-hundred-acre 

estate to a group of philanthropists who wanted to start a rehab 

center for people who suffered from all forms of addiction. Evan 

had become so familiar with Havilland by then he often felt as if 

he’d gone on a vacation.

When he finished packing his bags, he climbed into bed and 

switched off the lights. Though it was only eight o’clock and he’d 

missed dinner, he wanted to savor this one last night of peace and 

quiet before he had to return to the real world. This wasn’t the first 

time he’d left Havilland and he always felt apprehensive on the 

last night. It was the one place other than a bar where he’d always 

felt safe. The only difference was that nothing at Havilland could 

harm him or tempt him. If it had been possible, he might have 

considered spending the rest of his life at Havilland, in his stark 

white room, with crisp white sheets and simple white Venetian 

blinds. But he had to return to the real world and pull what was left 

of his life together, for himself and for his son. But more than that, 

he wanted to feel as safe in the real world as he did in a bar or at 

Havilland.

* * * *

In the morning, Evan climbed out of bed and took a hot show-

er. It took him longer than usual because he hadn’t manscaped in 

weeks. He hadn’t had hair on his legs in so long he’d forgotten 

what it looked like. He smiled when he saw how bushy his pubic 

hair had become. Even though he’d never been obsessed with his 

looks, being smooth all over made him feel cleaner in a way he 

couldn’t explain. He didn’t mind body hair on other men. For the 

most part, he preferred other men to have a little natural body hair.

He’d grown a goatee while he’d been there this time, and 

he spent a long time in front of the bathroom mirror that morn-

ing shaving to get it just right. Though his light brown hair was a 

little longer than he normally kept it, he styled it forward. Then he 

added product and messed it up a little so the top would stick up in 

a way that looked as if he’d been riding with the top down.

This was the first time since he’d entered Havilland that he’d 

actually looked into the mirror for any length of time. He’d spent 

the last twenty-eight days there wearing baseball caps and sweat-

pants. There had been days when he hadn’t bothered to shave at 

all, which is how he wound up with the goatee. Before he left the 

bathroom, he glanced into the mirror one last time and shrugged. 

Though he’d been through more in the last ten years than most 

people he knew, his skin was still clear, he didn’t have any wrin-

kles, and there were no bags beneath his eyes. He didn’t look a day 

over twenty-five. Unfortunately, he felt like ninety.

When he returned to the room, he put on a pair of jeans he’d 

left on the bed and made a face. He turned toward the mirror and 

cinched them at the waist to keep them from falling down below 

the waistband of his underwear. He figured he must have lost at 

least ten pounds and hadn’t even realized it. It was a good thing 

he’d brought a belt, because he’d lost so much weight he would 

have had to borrow a safety pin from someone to hold his jeans 

up. A month earlier, these sagging jeans had been his tight skinny 

jeans, the low-rise jeans that had hugged his hips and made his butt 

look bigger than it really was.

The last time he’d worn jeans similar to these he’d met three 

young guys at a bar in Chelsea. He’d been so drunk that night the 

most he remembered about them in detail was that they all had 

dark hair and deep voices. While they kept buying him drinks 

and talking dirty to him, he flirted and squeezed their muscles. 

When they told him they wanted to take him someplace and fuck 

his brains out, he kissed them all and agreed to go after one more 

drink. When he woke up in a hospital the next day, he had no idea 

someone had found him unconscious in an alley with his jeans 

down around his ankles. Evidently, the three young guys had raped 

him, robbed him, beaten him, and left him between two overflow-

ing trash cans and a broken statue of St. Francis that someone had 

discarded. The police said he was lucky they hadn’t beaten him to 

death. The doctors said he was lucky he’d only suffered broken 

ribs and he wouldn’t need plastic surgery. His best friend, Michele, 

said it was time to go back to Havilland.

While he was standing in front of the mirror rolling up the 

sleeves of his white button-down oxford, one of the aides walked 

into his room and stared at him for a second. “I wanted to see 

if you’re okay. I know you’re leaving today.” She was an older 

woman with salt and pepper hair and a full figure, who always 

wore those unstructured nurses’ uniforms in pastel colors that had 

themes with little teddy bears or smiley faces. She reminded Evan 

of a favorite aunt he’d had as a child.

Evan laughed and said, “Get me a pizza so I can fit into these 

jeans, Mary.” He turned sideways and pressed his palm to his 

sunken stomach. “I can’t believe how much weight I lost.”

She laughed and patted her round stomach. “Don’t complain 

about that to me if you know what’s good for you.” Then she 

hugged him and said, “I’m going off duty now. I just wanted to say 

goodbye and check in on you one more time. I’m not supposed to 

get close to the patients, but you’re my favorite. You never com-

plain, you say thank you all the time, and you always make me 

smile.”

This aide had been there the past two times Evan had been ad-

mitted to the twenty-eight day program. She knew what he’d been 

through; she’d seen how bruised he’d been when he’d arrived. 

He squeezed her tightly and said, “I’m going to miss you. You’ve 

made this place tolerable. But I’m not coming back again. This is it 

for me. I’m done.”

She stepped back and looked him up and down. Then she 

smiled and said, “That’s good, because as much as I love you, I 

don’t want to see you here again.”

After he thanked her again for everything she’d done for him 

while he’d been there, she left the room and Evan walked to the 

window. At the exact moment he glanced out, he saw a sleek black 

Mercedes sedan pull up to the front entrance. He held his breath 

for a moment as he watched an attractive young woman with long 

blond hair climb out of the driver’s side. She wore a black blazer, 

a short beige skirt, and fawn leather pumps. She looked as if she 

were going to meet a friend for lunch instead of picking one up 

from a rehab clinic. Evan crossed to the bed and picked up his 

bags. He glanced around to make sure he’d packed everything, 

then turned toward the door. Before he left the room, he looked 

back one last time and said, “This is the last time.” Then he turned 

fast and went down to meet his best friend in the main lobby.

Chapter Two

When he reached the staircase that led to the main lobby, he 

glanced to the left and saw Michele sitting in wing chair beside a 

large fireplace reading a magazine. The moment his foot landed on 

the bottom step, Michele glanced up and their eyes met. He sent 

her a smile from across the room and she stood up and smoothed 

out her skirt.

She’d been one of his best friends since college. They’d met 

each other their freshman year while they’d both been in the infir-

mary dealing with a couple of the less serious STDs. It hadn’t been 

Evan’s first time taking penicillin and it wouldn’t be his last. But 

Michele had never been there before, and she had no idea what to 

do about a bad case of crabs. Evan had gotten her through it, then 

through two failed marriages after that. She’d always been there 

for him as well, and he wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to pick 

him up from Havilland that day.

Michele met him in the middle of the lobby and reached for 

one of his bags. On the way out, Evan hugged a few nurses and 

said goodbye to Havilland for the last time. When he stepped 

outside, he felt a little shaky. But it was nothing he couldn’t handle. 

He’d been through this before: the overwhelming moment some-

one returns to the real world after weeks of virtual isolation in a 

protected environment. He knew it would pass.

It was one of those late autumn mornings with crisp cool air 

and only a few clouds in the sky. The leaves had already turned 

red, orange, and yellow and half had already fallen to the ground. 

When he glanced up at the sky to take a deep breath, Michele 

closed the trunk, handed him the car keys, and said, “Here you go.”

He flung her a stare. “I don’t know if I want to drive today.”

She opened the passenger door and said, “Well, I know I don’t 

want to drive. Besides, it’ll be good for you to get back behind the 

wheel again.”

Although Evan hadn’t owned a car in a long time, he always 

drove when he was with Michele because she hated to drive. She 

wasn’t a bad driver. But she hated the thought of driving so much 

she would let anyone else with a license take over if it was at all 

possible. So he took the keys and walked to the driver’s side with-

out putting up a fight.

On the way back to the city, they talked about mutual friends 

and a few new stores Michele wanted to show him next week. 

Then Michele went into detail about a new diet she’d just started. 

From what Evan could gather, it had something to do with eating 

raw organic veggies and a great deal of protein. Although Michele 

was only about ten pounds overweight, she’d been fighting with 

that same ten pounds for the past ten years and had never been able 

to lose them. This hadn’t been the first diet she’d tried and he knew 

it wouldn’t be the last. He tended to drift off into deep thought dur-

ing these conversations and he missed more than half of what she 

said.

At the Lincoln Tunnel, while they were sitting in traffic round-

ing the ramp that would lead them to the toll booth plaza, Michele 

glanced at Evan’s body and said, “I can’t believe how thin you are. 

I hate you.”

Evan laughed. “Maybe you should check into Havilland for 

twenty-eight days,” he said. “You’d be amazed at how rehab can 

kill your appetite.” He’d learned how to make jokes about Havil-

land. It was easier—and, he thought, healthier—than not talking 

about it at all.

But Michele tended to take his relapses more seriously, and she 

looked as if she were sorry she’d said that. She changed the subject 

and asked, “What did you think about most while you were there 

all that time?”

“Kenny,” Evan said. He didn’t have to think hard about that 

question. He’d thought about a lot of things, from chocolate to 

men. But the one person he’d thought about most had been his son.

Michele reached over and held his hand. She squeezed it and 

said, “He’s fine, and he’s excited about seeing you again.”

When they reached Evan’s neighborhood in the East Village, a 

group of rough-looking kids ran into the street waving sticks and 

Michele made a face. “I seriously wish you’d think about moving 

out of here once and for all. I heard of a great place in my neigh-

borhood that’s going to be vacant in a few months. I’m sure Jeffery 

would buy it for you.”

 Evan slowed down to wait for a parking space not far from his 

building. He’d seen a man get into a car and parking wasn’t easy to 

find at that time of day. While the rough-looking kids examined the 

long black Mercedes, Evan shrugged and said, “It’s home. And the 

rent is good. And you know I don’t like change. I feel comfortable 

here.”

Although a good deal of Alphabet City had changed for the bet-

ter over the years, Evan lived on East 4th between Avenues C and 

D, and Michele seemed to think she took her life in her hands each 

time she braved the trip downtown. Brooklyn sent her into a panic 

that caused her voice to tremble and her hands to shake. She lived 

on the Upper East Side, in white Manhattan, where the women all 

had their hair colored in seven shades of blond and carried purses 

that cost more than a month’s rent for most people. Evan could 

have moved to a more upscale neighborhood. His estranged hus-

band, Jeffery Charles, was worth billions and had even offered to 

buy Evan something. But Jeffery had always been one of Evan’s 

problems and he wanted to keep things simple in that respect.

Evan lived in what was called a “walk-up,” which meant there 

wasn’t an elevator. Between the fourth and fifth floor, Michele 

clutched the stair rail and said, “We might have to stop for a break. 

You’re killing me with these fucking stairs.”

“It’s not that bad,” Evan said. He took her hand and pulled 

her toward the next flight of steps. “I only live on the sixth floor. 

It’s good exercise.” He didn’t mention the fact that Michele had a 

personal trainer and that she went to a gym four times a week to do 

cardio. She should have been in better shape after spending all that 

time and money. Evan went to a gym to work out with weights, but 

he got all the cardio he needed just by walking up and down those 

steps, or jogging around his neighborhood, and he got it for free.

By the time they reached the sixth floor, Michele pulled a hand-

kerchief out of her purse and dabbed her neck. They rounded a 

corner and Evan glanced at the end of the hall and saw the door to 

his apartment wide open. He pointed and said, “I hope this means 

Cadin is in there waiting for us, because if he’s not we might be in 

trouble.”

Cadin Wright was another one of Evan’s closest friends. He’d 

met Cadin at a bar seven years earlier and he’d tricked with him. 

At the time, Evan had been on one of his drunken binges. This was 

right before his first trip to Havilland. Although Cadin and Evan 

had never been lovers in a relationship, they’d had sex more than 

once and they referred to each other as fuck buddies in a campy, 

sarcastic way.

When they entered Evan’s apartment and found Cadin hapless-

ly arranging a bouquet of flowers on the small dining table outside 

the kitchen, they both took a deep breath and exhaled at the same 

time. Michele crossed to where Cadin was standing and gave him a 

push. She went right to work arranging the flowers and said, “How 

can you be so damn helpless? I have never met such a donkey of a 

gay man in my life. You remind me of my first husband. That sono-

fabitch couldn’t even put the juice back in the refrigerator.”

Cadin turned toward Evan and smiled. “I can’t help it if I’m not 

good with flowers, or cooking, or picking out the right clothes. I’m 

a man. I have other talents that you’ll never know about.” Then he 

crossed the room and threw his arms around Evan.

It felt food to be held by a strong handsome man again. Cadin 

did have other talents, and those talents surpassed cooking, shop-

ping, and flower arrangement. He stood about six feet tall in bare 

feet, had thick black hair he parted on the side, and a body that 

made people stop and stare when he jogged down the street with 

his shirt off. He lived in Brooklyn and worked in a family con-

struction business that focused on remodeling kitchens for high-

end clients in Manhattan. And he had the thick rough calluses on 

his palms to prove it.

Evan sank into his strong chest and closed his eyes for a mo-

ment. “It’s so good to see you. I’m glad you’re here. I’ve missed 

my friends so much. I don’t know what I’d do without you guys.”

Cadin smacked Evan on the ass in a playful way and said, “Of 

course I’m here. I’m your hero and you know there’s nothing I 

wouldn’t do for you.”

Evan hugged him tighter and said, “And there’s nothing I 

wouldn’t do for you either.”

“Then marry me,” Cadin said. This had become a running joke 

between them. Although they were good in bed together, and they 

loved each other, they weren’t in love with each other. But that 

didn’t stop Cadin from asking Evan to marry him at least once or 

twice a week.

Evan released Cadin and stepped back. He looked him up and 

down and said, “It’s too soon. We have an agreement, remember?” 

They’d both agreed that if they reached the age of fifty and neither 

of them were in a serious relationship they would get married and 

live together. “Besides, I’m already married and I love my hus-

band.”

Cadin frowned. “Don’t remind me.” Cadin had never hidden 

his dislike for Evan’s husband, Jeffery.

“He’s not that bad. We have a wonderful child together.” Evan 

had to work hard to look at the brighter side of his marriage to Jef-

fery. Although Jeffery had always been generous with money and 

material things, he’d never been faithful or dependable. It stung a 

little that Jeffery hadn’t bothered to show up at the apartment to 

greet him on his first day back. But this was something Evan had 

grown accustomed to over the years and he wasn’t surprised.

“We can have a child together,” Cadin said. “At least we can 

have fun trying to make babies.” He moved closer and kissed him 

on the lips this time.

“You two are making me sick to my stomach,” Michele said. 

She’d finished arranging the flowers and she was now sitting on a 

club chair next to the sofa, checking her makeup.

Before Cadin could reply, there was a knock on the door and 

Evan turned to see who was there.

Cadin said, “I figured you’d need food in the house.” He 

glanced at Evan’s thin body and frowned. “And from the way it 

looks I was right. You need a good meal. I’ll fatten you up.” He 

tended to like his men with a little meat on their bones. Michele 

and Evan often called him a chubby chaser. He never seemed to 

mind, though. He was the first to admit he liked men who were 

at least twenty-five pounds overweight, especially from the waist 

down. In fact, he often went out searching for what he referred to 

as, “guys with childbearing hips.”

The young man carrying the box of groceries stepped into the 

apartment and set the box down on the dining table. He glanced 

at Evan as if he were the only one in the room and smiled. “Hey, 

baby,” he said. “I was told to charge this to Jeffery Charles’s ac-

count.”

Jeffery and Evan were still legally married in the state of New 

York and Jeffery still paid for most of Evan’s expenses. Even if 

they hadn’t been legally married in the state of New York, Jeffery 

would have insisted on paying for his expenses. It was one small 

part of their extremely complicated relationship that seemed to 

work. “That’s fine,” Evan said, and he thanked the guy.

The guy walked up to Evan, looked him up and down, and 

smiled again. “Anything for you.”

Evan felt a little shaky. The guy couldn’t have been older than 

twenty. He had short reddish brown hair, a strong stocky body, and 

a thick neck. He reminded Evan of a guy in college he’d known. 

The guy in college had been on the football team and they’d had 

a secret relationship for most of Evan’s sophomore year. That guy 

had been in the closet and engaged to a girl. Even had always been 

attracted to men like this, which was one of the reasons why he 

never had to wonder why he’d wound up at a place like Havilland 

so many times. But even worse, men like this always seemed to be 

attracted to Evan. He didn’t have to initiate anything. They always 

approached him first in very aggressive ways. It was as if they 

could smell his weakness and they would zoom in on him.

Cadin stepped in between Evan and the grocery guy and he 

handed the guy a five-dollar tip. “Thanks, buddy. We’ll take it from 

here. You can leave now.” He squared his shoulders and looked 

down at him to show him he was in charge.

 Michele continued to work on her face. She rolled her eyes 

and said, “Here we go again, and he’s not even out on the streets 

for one full day.” She tended to get a little jealous when men came 

on to Evan this way. Not because she wanted anything sexual with 

Evan. She wanted men like the delivery guy to come on to her that 

way and they never did.

The young guy glanced over Cadin’s shoulder and smiled at 

Evan. He didn’t seem intimidated by Cadin at all. In fact, he ig-

nored him completely. “You need anything else, baby, just call. I’ll 

be here fast.”

Evan smiled and said, “Thank you.” Then he crossed to the 

sofa and sat down to catch his breath. He felt overwhelmed and he 

wasn’t sure why. It was nice of Cadin to come to his rescue that 

way, but he could have handled it himself.

Michele must have noticed his distress, because she stopped 

working on her face and went over to sit next to him. She pulled a 

bottle of Ativan out of her purse and said, “Here, take one of these. 

It’ll calm you down.”

“No,” Evan said, taking a deep breath. “I’ll be okay. I just got a 

little overwhelmed, is all.”

Cadin closed the door and he went over to the sofa and stared 

down at Evan. “Sorry about that idiot, man. I don’t know what gets 

into some guys that make them act like assholes sometimes.”

Michele reached for his hand and said, “You can do it, Evan. 

You can control those urges. And I didn’t think that guy was all 

that cute.”

Evan knew what his friends were doing and he wanted to set 

them straight. He laughed and said, “It’s not like that, not at all. I 

went to Havilland mainly because of alcohol and because of what 

drinking was doing to me. The sex addiction is something differ-

ent. It’s not like I see every man that walks down the street and I 

want to sleep with him, at least it’s not like that with me. The only 

time I’m out of control with men is when I’m drunk. And I don’t 

intend on getting drunk ever again.”

Cadin and Michele exchanged glances.

He laughed aloud. It was evident they didn’t understand. “I 

could have handled that guy alone without a problem. I probably 

wouldn’t have slept with him. I have to be drinking to be out of 

control that way with men. As long as I’m not drinking I’m okay. 

When I’m not drunk and I sleep with someone it’s a conscious 

choice I’m making like everyone else. It’s the alcohol that makes 

it dangerous because I just do it and don’t think first. It’s not really 

a choice.” He knew it was a complicated thing to explain to them 

and he knew he wasn’t doing it very well. The truth of the matter 

was that Evan might have been interested in the delivery guy if 

he’d been alone in the apartment. In that case, he would have made 

the choice one way or the other. He didn’t consider that addiction.

Cadin frowned and said, “Well, I still think the asshole was too 

aggressive, and I’m glad I set him straight.”

Evan knew his friends cared about him and he didn’t want to 

upset them. “Thanks for watching out for me.” He held Michele’s 

hand tighter and said, “I don’t know what I’d do without my 

friends. You are always there for me.”

Michele glanced at her watch and stood up. “Well, you’re go-

ing to find out soon because I have to leave for an appointment. 

I’m having Botox this afternoon and I want to get uptown early in 

case there’s traffic.”

Cadin blinked. “More Botox?”

Evan sent his friend a smile. She’d been getting Botox injec-

tions for the past year and there were days her face took on such a 

stark, expressionless look he couldn’t figure out what kind of mood 

she was in.

Michele grabbed her purse and said, “We’re not getting any 

younger. Don’t judge me.”

“Can you give me a ride uptown?” Cadin asked. “We’re work-

ing on a job on East 72nd Street and I left the truck up there. I 

won’t have to take the subway back up there if you take me.”

Michele kissed Evan on the cheek and said, “Sure I can. You 

can drive.”

Then Evan reached for her arm and asked, “Did anyone let Jef-

fery know I was coming home today?” He knew Jeffery had ways 

of finding out information he wanted without anyone’s help. But 

Evan was curious about whether or not Jeffery had been in touch 

with anyone while he’d been at Havilland.

“I left a message with Jeffery’s assistant,” Michele said. “I 

couldn’t get through to him.”

“The Werewolf?” Evan asked. Jeffery’s assistant was an ambi-

tious young man with tons of facial hair, and thick wiry hair on his 

forearms. Evan always joked that he probably had hair on his back, 

and all over his ass, too. This personal assistant always seemed to 

be flirting with Jeffery, and he couldn’t wait to get involved in his 

personal business. Evan would have preferred him not knowing 

he’d been discharged from Havilland that day.

Michele shrugged. “What else could I do? The Werewolf man-

ages Jeffery’s entire life these days.”

Evan ignored that remark and walked them to the door. He 

knew Jeffery better than anyone and he knew Jeffery would never 

be attracted to the pushy, aggressive werewolf. Jeffery only used 

him as a minion.

He hugged them both and thanked them for being there for 

him again. Cadin offered to stop by and check in on him on his 

way back to Brooklyn later that afternoon but Evan told him he 

would be fine. He loved them both dearly, but he wanted them to 

leave. It was his first day back and he needed time to be alone with 

his thoughts and to sort out his feelings. Although he loved his 

apartment, he still had to face a few demons he knew would never 

disappear. Most of them were in his bedroom, in a cabinet where 

he used to stash all his booze, next to a window with a view of a 

solid brick wall.

Chapter Three

When he was finally alone, Evan locked the door, leaned back 

against it, and took a deep breath. He’d worked hard to show his 

friends his spirits were good and he was happy to be home. Smil-

ing for long periods of time tended to hurt his face, especially 

when he didn’t feel like smiling. It had been work, not fun. He 

needed to be alone for a while now and think about what he was 

going to do next. Being in an isolated environment like Havilland 

where no one had expected him to smile or pretend to be happy 

tended to distort reality. There had been times when he’d thought 

about never leaving.

As he crossed to the dining table where Michele had left his 

bags, he glanced around the living room and smiled. It was evident 

Cadin had tried to spruce things up in his own haphazard, clumsy 

way. He’d tossed pillows on the cream sofa upside down, he’d 

opened the blinds in the front window crooked so that the one on 

the left was higher than the one on the right, and he’d rearranged a 

few side chairs that only made the room look smaller.

Evan’s collection of furniture wasn’t spectacular, but every-

thing in his apartment reminded him of an event that had happened 

in his life over the past ten years. The modern cream-colored sofa 

had been a gift from Jeffery the first month they’d met. Evan had 

just graduated from college and he’d signed a lease for his first 

real-life adult apartment. Though Jeffery hadn’t been a billionaire 

at the time, he’d been doing well on Wall Street with tech stocks 

and he’d purchased the sofa as a gift for Evan. Evan could even re-

member it had arrived on a Friday afternoon. They’d made love on 

that sofa that same Friday night. About a week later, Jeffery moved 

in with him and remained there until they both moved out a few 

years later when Jeffery could afford to buy a townhouse uptown.

Evan smiled and lifted his bags from the table. He crossed 

through the dining area to a small hallway that led to two bed-

rooms. This was another reason he didn’t want to move. It had 

become impossible to find an apartment this large, with two full 

bedrooms, anywhere in Manhattan without paying a small fortune 

in rent. He had a separate bedroom for Kenny when he spent the 

weekend there. This building was one of the last rent controlled 

buildings in his neighborhood. He knew he could never get a 

deal like this again, and that was the reason he’d sub-leased the 

apartment and held on to it when he’d moved into the townhouse 

uptown. This apartment gave him independence, a sense of secu-

rity, and he could afford it without Jeffery if he had to. In hindsight 

he often wondered if he’d ever believed he and Jeffery would live 

happily ever after.

But his relationship with Jeffery was too complicated to deal 

with that day. He didn’t want to think about it and get himself 

stressed out on his first day home. He opened a small Gucci bag 

and emptied the contents on the bed. The Gucci bags had been a 

gift from Jeffery, too. He’d given them to Evan two Christmases 

ago before they’d left for Switzerland. Evan would have been 

happy with anything Jeffery had given him. It didn’t have to be 

designer bags. But Jeffery had a way of tossing money around in 

a vulgar way without giving it a second thought. And when he did 

this Evan knew there was no use arguing with him.

Evan smiled at the personal items on his bed: a blow dryer, 

underwear, hair product, and a few other toiletries. The other small 

bag contained a few pairs of jeans, sweatpants, and T-shirts. He 

could have packed it all in a shopping bag and still had room left.

The room felt stuffy, as if no one had lived there for years. As 

he moved to the other side of the bed to open the window he heard 

a knock on the door and he stopped short. He wasn’t expecting 

anyone. As far as he knew no one knew he was home yet other 

than his closest friends. He heard a louder knock, almost a bang. 

Then he heard Jeffery’s deep voice say, “Are you in there?” and his 

chest caved in.

He couldn’t pretend he wasn’t home, so he took a quick breath 

and went back into the living room. By that time Jeffery had begun 

to bang on the door and shout his name aloud. Jeffery wasn’t the 

kind of man who liked to be kept waiting. But the moment Evan 

unlocked the door his cell phone rang. He’d left it on the dining 

table when he’d pulled it out of his jacket pocket.

He opened the door, stared at his husband for a moment, and 

said, “Come in.” Then he walked over to the table and answered 

his phone without bothering to look at the caller ID first.

“Hey, Dad. Are you home now?”

Evan sent Jeffery a glance. Jeffery was standing in the middle 

of the living room watching him. He nodded at Jeffery and said, 

“Hey, Kenny. Yes, I’m home. Hell, it’s so good to hear your voice. 

I was just about to call and leave you a message. I figured you were 

in class now.”

When Jeffery heard that Evan was talking to their son, he 

smiled and sat down on the sofa. Evan figured he’d come right 

from his office on Wall Street. He wore a gray suit, a starched 

white shirt, and a navy blue tie. He was one of those men who 

looked just as good in a suit as he did jeans and a T-shirt.

“I’m between classes right now,” Kenny said. “I wanted to see 

if you’re okay.” He went to a private school uptown near Jeffery’s 

townhouse. He’d just entered his freshman year and he seemed to 

be well adjusted in spite of the fact that his parents weren’t living 

together.

“I’m fine,” Evan said. “I’m really doing okay and I don’t want 

you to worry.” Sometimes it was more like Evan was the child and 

Kenny was the parent. They related to each other more like good 

friends than father and son. Jeffery and Evan had adopted Kenny 

when he was seven years old, right after they’d committed to each 

other. This was before gay marriage in New York had been legal, 

and right before having children had become the ultimate chic 

thing to do for gay men. Jeffery had insisted on adoption. At the 

time, he’d said he’d always wanted to be a father and he wanted to 

do it while he was still young. Although Evan had been apprehen-

sive about being a parent back them, he now realized it was the one 

single decision he’d made in his life so far that had been worth-

while. He couldn’t imagine what his life would be like without 

Kenny.

“Good, because I want you to listen to me read tonight,” Kenny 

said.

“Read?” Evan asked. He glanced at the sofa and Jeffery 

shrugged.

“I wrote a short story for my English class and tonight is 

parent-teacher night at school. Each department is doing something 

different. The English department has kids doing readings, and I’m 

doing one.”

Evan felt a surge of panic deep in his stomach. “Oh, I’m not 

sure, Kenny. I just got home. I look like a mess and I can’t promise 

anything.” He didn’t want to face people this soon, especially other 

parents and teachers in a school environment where everything 

always seemed so proper and upstanding.

“Dad, you have to come, seriously. I need you there. You’re a 

writer and I’ve been telling everyone about you. I’m also scared to 

death. I’ve never done a reading before.”

“Oh, God,” Evan said. He hated being put on the spot this way. 

But there was nothing he wouldn’t do for his child. He’d made a 

silent pledge to himself the first night Kenny had spent with them 

ten years earlier. He’s tucked him into bed and waited for him to 

fall asleep. He sat there watching him sleep for more than an hour. 

Before he got up and went to his own bedroom that night, he bent 

down, kissed his son on the cheek, and said, “I will always put you 

first.”

“Please come,” Kenny said. “I think dad will be here, too. I 

told him about it this morning before I left for school.” Kenny 

lived full time with Jeffery. It often seemed as if his main mission 

in life was to get his two dads back together again.

Evan didn’t mention that Jeffery was in his apartment. “Okay, 

I’ll try to be there. I really will. But I can’t promise you.”

“Thanks, dad,” Kenny said. “I have to go now. I’ll see you 

tonight at seven. It’s room 304.”

Evan said, “I’ll try. Love you.”

“Love you, too, Dad.”

After he hung up, Evan set the phone on the table and smiled. 

It felt so good to hear his son’s voice he stopped worrying about 

being nervous with Jeffery. He crossed to the other end of the sofa 

and sat down. Before he had a chance to say anything, Jeffery said, 

“He’s missed you. You have to go tonight. I’ll send a car for you 

around six thirty.”

Although Evan didn’t want to go out in public that soon, he 

knew he would go. He sent Jeffery a look and asked, “Aren’t you 

going?” He wasn’t sure if Jeffery was offering to pick him up 

or just send a car. With Jeffery he could never be certain. He’d 

learned to read between the lines.

“I can’t,” Jeffery said. “I have an important dinner engagement 

tonight. I was going to call him later and tell him I can’t go, and 

now I don’t feel so bad knowing you’ll be there for him.”

“I can take a cab,” Evan said.

“I’m sure you can do anything.”

Evan would have stopped the world for his son. He’d already 

missed deadlines and publishing events to put his son’s needs first. 

And he’d never regretted it. But not Jeffery. He’d always put busi-

ness first and Evan had gotten used to this. There was no use argu-

ing with him anymore. He’d done that more than once when they’d 

been living together. He also knew Kenny would not be surprised. 

His other dad had missed school plays, singing recitals, soccer 

matches, and more than Evan could recall. Kenny had become as 

accustomed to Jeffery’s work ethic as Evan had.

But just to see Jeffery’s reaction, Evan said, “Maybe you could 

cancel this dinner engagement just this once, for Kenny’s sake. I’m 

sure he’d like to see us both there tonight as a family. It sounds like 

it’s a big event for him.” As a writer, Evan knew what it was like to 

give readings of his own work. He’d always dreaded doing it. He’d 

never done it sober. He couldn’t have been prouder of his son’s 

courage or his ambition to become a writer.

“Can’t do that,” Jeffery said. “It’s an important guy from 

Silicon Valley who flew in just to talk to me. This is big. There’s a 

lot of money involved. This guy owns the most important online 

social media outlet since the invention of TV and he’s going public 

soon and I’m his biggest investor.”

Evan didn’t truly grasp what Jeffery did on Wall Street because 

he’d always worked in the more creative end of publishing. He 

knew it had a lot to do with the stock market and investments—

venture capitalism. Jeffery had made his fortune in the right tech-

nology stocks at a time when a lot of other investors had been 

laughing at them. And he’d continued to build his billion-dollar 

fortune by following all the latest trends in social media. At this 

particular time social media seemed to be booming and Evan knew 

Jeffery would never miss an opportunity to get involved in some-

thing this important.

Evan smiled and said, “I didn’t think you would. I understand, 

and I’m sure Kenny will, too.” Now he would have to go to the 

reading. He would not let his son down the same way Jeffery al-

ways let him down.

Jeffery moved closer to him and rested his palm on Evan’s 

thigh. He ran it up and down and said, “You look fantastic. I was 

expecting to find you all depressed and pale like the other times 

you’ve returned from Havilland. But this time you look different. 

It’s hard to explain.”

Evan shrugged. He felt different this time, but he didn’t want to 

get into anything too deep with Jeffery. “I’ve lost too much weight. 

My clothes are falling off. But I feel good.” When he said this, he 

realized how true it was. He really did feel good and he wasn’t sure 

why.

“You look like you did the first day I met you,” Jeffery said. He 

move even closer and put his arm around him. He kissed his neck 

and said, “You smell good, too.”

Evan laughed. “What are you doing?” He tried to pull out from 

under Jeffery’s arm but Jeffery held him even tighter.

“I’m welcoming my husband home the proper way,” Jeffery 

said. His hand moved higher and he squeezed the inside of Evan’s 

thigh.

Evan reached for his shoulders and said, “We shouldn’t be do-

ing this.”

Jeffery’s hand went higher. “We’re married. We love each 

other.”

Although they were separated in the sense that they didn’t live 

together, they weren’t formally separated and they had been having 

sex regularly since Evan had moved back to his old apartment. The 

reason they didn’t live together wasn’t because of Evan’s drinking 

problem. It was because Jeffery couldn’t be monogamous, no mat-

ter how hard he tried. He hadn’t lied to Evan. He’d been open and 

honest from the beginning of their marriage and Evan had known 

what he was getting into. They’d always had what some couples 

call an open relationship and were free to have sex with other men 

as long as it was safe sex and there was nothing emotional about 

it. At first, Evan thought it was the perfect relationship for two gay 

men. But then they adopted Kenny and Evan found he wanted a 

more traditional lifestyle. He’d tried to make the open marriage 

work; he’d tried to live with knowing his husband was sleeping 

with other men. But it finally reached a point where he couldn’t 

take it anymore and he moved back to his old apartment to sort 

things out on his own.

As Jeffery continued to kiss his neck, he pushed Jeffery’s 

shoulders and said, “We’re not like other married people and you 

know it. We don’t live together, but we’re not actually separated or 

even talking about divorce. Most people would think that doesn’t 

make sense.”

“Fuck what most people think,” Jeffery said. “Most people 

are dumb, most people are not informed, most people don’t know 

shit, most people are fat and ugly, and most people can kiss my hot 

American ass.”

“You’re an arrogant prick,” Evan said, enjoying the way Jef-

fery’s hands were moving between his legs.

“And you love arrogant pricks, especially big ones,” Jeffery 

said, as he removed his suit jacket and threw it over the back of the 

sofa. He buried his face in Evan’s neck and said, “I’ve missed you 

so much. You know you’ve missed me, too.”

This had always been the problem. Their open relationship kept 

Evan awake at night; sometimes he thought it was part of what 

caused him to drink. But he had missed Jeffery; he did still love 

him even if he couldn’t live in the same house with him. No other 

man in the world could to do him what Jeffery did. And Evan had 

been with more than enough men to know this.

So Evan stopped fighting him and he submitted to his aggres-

sive advances the same way he’d always done in the past. As much 

as this would frustrate him later in some ways, he also knew it 

would comfort him and give him the courage he needed to go to 

Kenny’s reading later that night. By making love to Jeffery, Evan 

could pretend for a short time that he was a normal married person 

having sex with his husband, the man he loved. He could pretend 

that everything was okay and that he didn’t have any serious prob-

lems or issues to deal with. He’d been doing this for a long time 

and he knew how to rationalize his motives.

While Jeffery stood up and removed all of his clothes, Evan 

remained on the sofa, on his back, and removed his. When Jeffery 

climbed on top of him and their naked bodies touched, Evan closed 

his eyes and sighed aloud. His husband smelled like a man who 

had been working all day. His natural scent mingled with remnants 

of his the hair product he’d used on his short dark hair earlier that 

morning. Though his powdery deodorant had softened since he’d 

showered, traces of it lingered each time Evan took a breath. And 

the damp scent that rose from between his legs filled Evan with 

such a sense of excitement he lifted his legs up and rested one foot 

on the back of the sofa and the other on the cocktail table.

They made out for a while on the sofa in the same familiar 

way they’d always begun their lovemaking. Jeffery had a way of 

kissing Evan that made him close his eyes, lift up his legs, and 

surrender completely. It wasn’t rough, and yet it was forceful in an 

unplanned way. Sometimes when they kissed for a long time it felt 

as if they were one person breathing through the same set of lungs.

While they kissed, Evan’s fingers explored his husband’s 

strong, solid upper body. Jeffery was only a year older than Evan 

and he still worked out on a regular basis at five o’clock every 

single morning. Jeffery had never been a sleeper. If he managed to 

get four hours a night he considered that a novelty. All this working 

out had been as much of a stress release as it had been a successful 

attempt to keep a good body. It had paid off, too. Every muscle on 

his back, his arms, and his chest made Evan’s erection grow harder.

After they kissed, Jeffery moved up on the sofa and he strad-

dled Evan’s head that same way he’d been doing since the first 

night they’d made love. Evan took him gently in his palm and 

opened his mouth. The instant Jeffery’s erection entered, Evan 

closed his eyes and started sucking slowly. Though he knew Jef-

fery preferred him to be rougher, he also knew his husband didn’t 

complain when he used a gentle touch. This was fine with Evan. 

He didn’t like to get rough. These lines had been drawn early in 

their marriage and he saw no need to alter them. What worked well 

and didn’t need to be fixed should be left alone. In fact, if every 

other aspect of their relationship worked as well as their lovemak-

ing, his life would have been perfect.

Evan sucked until he tasted his husband’s pre-come. He 

reached up with his left hand and gently squeezed Jeffery’s scro-

tum. He pulled Jeffery closer and started to suck harder, wondering 

if Jeffery wanted to climax this way. In this respect he could never 

be certain. It all depended on Jeffery’s various moods.

He brought Jeffery to the edge of climax, and then Jeffery 

reached down and held Evan’s face in his hands. He smiled and 

shook his head back and forth, and then he slowly pulled his dick 

out of Evan’s mouth, ran the tip across Evan’s lips, and reached 

over to the coffee table where he knew Evan kept the condoms. 

Though Evan would have preferred to take his husband raw, with-

out a condom, this wasn’t an option in their marriage. This was 

a part of their deal that drove Evan to move out: he longed to be 

with his husband without condoms, but knew that one simple thing 

wouldn’t happen as long as they remained in an open marriage. 

Because they had always had an open relationship they’d both 

always used condoms. They could have taken a chance and trusted 

each other because they’d both sworn they would always use con-

doms when they were with other people. But they both agreed to 

play it safe just in case.

It didn’t take long for Jeffery to enter. Evan had one leg spread 

over the back of the sofa and the other dangling over the side. 

Jeffery grabbed the ankle dangling over the other side and lifted 

Evan’s leg up higher. With his other hand, he guided his dick into 

Evan’s body and watched Evan’s expression the entire time he did 

this.

Without saying a word, Evan looked into Jeffery’s eyes and 

nodded to let him know he was okay, to let him know he could 

continue. He didn’t stop nodding until every inch of Jeffery was in-

side his body and Jeffery’s balls were pressed to the bottom of his 

ass. When he finally did stop nodding, he closed his eyes and threw 

his arms back over the arm of the sofa. The leg over the back of the 

sofa went higher and Jeffery pushed his other leg so far back his 

knee met his shoulder. Evan had always been agile this way and 

men had always been able to bend him and spread his legs apart in 

ways that made them more comfortable.

When Jeffery began to move his hips, Evan reached down with 

one hand and he started to stroke his own dick. He knew what to 

expect with his husband most of the time; he knew this time Jef-

fery would begin slowly and the fucking would increase until he 

heard slaps. Jeffery had always been one of those men who pre-

dominantly fucked with his pelvis, not this entire body. Though 

he had his more aggressive moments in bed, Jeffery’s moves were 

not always as dramatic as they were orchestrated and even. There 

had been times when they’d made love in the past when Evan had 

glanced into a nearby mirror and watched his husband’s hips mov-

ing. The rest of his body remained relatively still, but those slim 

sturdy hips moved so fast every nerve ending in Evan’s body filled 

with what he’d always considered unwarranted inspiration. And 

that was because it was inspiring to watch from a distance, and 

just as inspiring to experience deep inside his body. The other men 

he’d been with tended to be awkward, without a sense of balance 

and rhythm. They often poked and prodded instead of entering and 

exiting with grace and dignity.

Jeffery even came with a sense of decorum other men didn’t 

seem to have. At the exact moment he climaxed that afternoon on 

the sofa, he looked into Evan’s eyes for a moment, and then his 

head went all the way back in such a way that Evan watched the 

muscles in his neck tighten. While he watched his husband fin-

ish, he jerked his own erection until he came with a discharge that 

landed on the side of his face.

Jeffery glanced down at him and smiled. He leaned forward, 

slowly licked the mess Evan had made on his cheek, and kissed 

Evan one more time. It was a deep kiss and Evan grabbed the back 

of his husband’s head. He always felt the same way in the end. He 

didn’t want to let go of Jeffery; he didn’t want to stop kissing and 

he didn’t want Jeffery to leave his body.

But it ended a moment or two later, and Jeffery stood up and 

removed the condom. They showered together the same way 

they’d been showering since the first time they’d made love. Then 

Evan put on a short black robe and Jeffery went back to the living 

room to gather his clothes. Evan stood near the dining table and 

watched him dress. He was as much in love with Jeffery as ever. 

A problem in their relationship was that there were times he didn’t 

like Jeffery. Another problem was he always felt as if he’d failed. 

He’d always wanted to be the one man who could tame Jeffery and 

turn him into the perfect monogamous husband. He’d had to learn 

the hard way that nothing in life is perfect and it takes time and ef-

fort to be happy.

When Jeffery was dressed, he walked over to the dining table 

and handed Evan the navy tie. “Would you do it? No one can tie a 

tie they way you can.”

Evan smiled and wrapped the tie around Jeffery’s neck. He 

moved slowly and concentrated on making a tight Windsor knot 

because he knew Jeffery couldn’t make a Windsor knot on his own.

When he finished, he adjusted the knot tightly to Jeffery’s col-

lar and kissed him on the lips. Jeffery’s hand went up the back of 

his robe and he said, “I’m glad you’re home. I have to go now, but 

I’ll call you later this week.”

Evan walked him to the door, with Jeffery’s hand still up the 

back of his robe. “Thanks for coming over today. I’m glad your 

assistant told you I was coming home today.” He didn’t refer to the 

assistant as the Werewolf in front of Jeffery.

Jeffery tilted his head sideways and said, “My assistant didn’t 

tell me anything. No one had to tell me you were coming home 

today. I’ve been checking in with Havilland since you were admit-

ted.”

“You were?” This was news to Evan. This wasn’t typical of 

Jeffery. He tended to delegate every aspect of his busy life, even 

the most personal things, to his various minions.

“I was seriously worried this time,” Jeffery said. “Especially 

when you had to be hospitalized.” Jeffery didn’t mention he knew 

Evan had been raped and beaten. Jeffery also tended to ignore 

things that bothered him.

“I’m okay now,” Evan said. “I’ve learned my lesson. It’s not 

going to happen again.” He knew he should have felt more trau-

matized about being raped. He knew how serious an issue rape 

was, and how it was often ignored with men. But he just couldn’t 

remember the act itself or anything else about that night because 

he’d been unconscious through all of it.

Jeffery hugged him and said, “I have to go. I’ll call you. Maybe 

you should think about moving back home for a while. Kenny 

would love it, and you can have your own bedroom.”

Evan stepped back and looked him in the eyes. “If I ever do 

move back home I don’t want my own bedroom, Jeffery. You know 

what I want. We’ve talked about this before and I’m not going 

to change my mind.” They’d been over this a million times since 

Evan had moved out. Evan wanted them to be a real couple with a 

traditional marriage. He didn’t want an open relationship, he didn’t 

want to do three-ways, and he didn’t want a husband who screwed 

every good-looking young man he came in contact with. And 

though the open marriage gave Evan his own advantages, he was 

willing to give all that up forever just to be a family again. It was 

the one issue where he wouldn’t back down.

As always, Jeffery changed the subject. “I’ll call,” he said. 

Then he kissed him goodbye, turned, and headed down the hall un-

til he reached the staircase. As he grabbed the banister, he glanced 

back and sent him a smile.

Evan stood in the doorway and listened until he couldn’t hear 

Jeffery’s feet tapping on the stairs anymore. He wondered if he still 

had time for a short nap before he had to get ready for Kenny’s 

reading. This would be the first time he would be out in public 

without having a drink and he started to feel a little shaky again. It 

would have been nice if Jeffery had been able to join him just this 

one time.

Chapter Four

It always made Evan smile when he tried to explain to people 

what he did for a living. He wrote historical romance novels, with 

covers that had women in long flowing gowns and large English 

manor homes in the background. He’d been doing this since he’d 

graduated from college, thrilled and grateful to find a niche in an 

industry known for its constant rejection.

When most people heard he was a published author the first 

question was always the same: “What’s the name of your book?” 

This was usually followed by, “What’s your book about?” These 

questions made Evan smile even more. Most people didn’t read 

historical romance. They read mainstream fiction, the latest best-

selling nonfiction, or whatever else they’d heard or read about in 

the mainstream media that was trending. Most did not understand 

there were career writers who focused in genre fiction and catered 

to a smaller, dedicated group of readers who tended to read up to 

ten or more novels a week. Evan had learned early in his career it 

was easier to just say he worked in publishing and leave it at that.

This wasn’t totally off base. He did do freelance jobs whenever 

his agent found something interesting he thought Evan might like. 

The last freelance piece Evan had done was for a book of essays 

that examined a popular textbook on romance novels that would 

be used to teach on a university level. Although these publications 

were usually more academic than creative, Evan enjoyed the diver-

sion once in a while. Not being creative had its advantages.

He didn’t feel creative that evening. He still felt shaky, slightly 

paranoid, and self-conscious about all the weight he’d lost at 

Havilland. All of his thirty-inch-waist slacks hung on his hips and 

he needed a belt to keep them from falling down. Even his jackets 

and sport coats felt loose in the shoulders. But he didn’t want to 

disappoint his son, so he put on a pair of beige slacks, a white shirt, 

and a black sport jacket. On his way to the avenue to get a cab, 

he phoned Cadin and told him not to stop by on his way back to 

Brooklyn. Cadin offered to drive him uptown to Kenny’s school, 

but he was stuck in traffic on Seventh Avenue South and Evan was 

already running late as it was.

When the cab pulled up to the school, Evan climbed out and 

slipped through side door where a group of kids were hanging out 

next to a brick wall. He kept his head down; he walked directly to 

the staircase and headed for room 304.

At the top of the stairs, he turned without looking and bumped 

into a tall kid carrying a gray backpack. He knocked the backpack 

out of the kid’s hands and he stopped to help him pick it up. But 

when he bent down to help the kid and he said, “I’m so sorry. I’m 

in a hurry,” their eyes met and the kid sent him a seductive glance. 

He stared at Evan’s lips for a moment and said, “No problem at all, 

dude. You can bump into me anytime.” Then he helped Evan stand 

up and looked him up and down with eyes that made Evan feel as 

if he’d just stepped out of the shower stark naked.

Evan didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t been this embarrassed 

since the time he’d left the men’s room in a busy restaurant with 

a long piece of toilet paper hanging out of the back of his pants. 

This kid couldn’t have been more than seventeen or eighteen years 

old. When Evan had been seventeen he never would have thought 

about flirting with a thirty-year-old man. Evan smiled and turned 

fast. “I’m late. Sorry, again.”

“No problem, dude,” the kid said.

As Evan headed to room 304 he had a feeling the kid stared at 

him the entire time. He didn’t dare look back. He’d done things in 

his life he wasn’t proud of, but he’d never flirted with a minor and 

he never would.

He slipped into room 304 as quietly as he could and tiptoed to 

a row of seats at the back of the room. The lights had been lowered 

and a small group of people sat facing a podium at the front of 

the room. When he sat down next to a man with dark brown hair 

and he looked up and saw Kenny reading something he’d written, 

he pressed his palm to his chest and smiled. For an instant, all his 

fears and frustrations disappeared and the world was a comfortable 

place to be again.

Kenny was reading something deep and meaningful, and his 

expression looked serious in an exaggerated way that came off 

more delightful and amusing than intense. Oh, it flung Evan right 

back to his own high school days when he’d been this serious 

about literary fiction and he’d sworn he could define true literary 

fiction. Back then, he knew all the answers. In those days he’d 

considered himself an artist, not a writer. He’d learned a great deal 

about life and writing and fiction since those days. There truly was 

nothing more entertaining than an amateur who thought he knew it 

all.

This reading turned out to be absolutely adorable. Evan smiled 

even wider when he heard the way Kenny had overwritten his 

narrative with too many adverbs and adjectives, and how he’d 

screwed up dialogue tags, making small minor errors all new writ-

ers make when they are just starting out. All his characters “grum-

bled, mumbled, pleaded, and cajoled,” when they should have just 

“said” or “asked.” If Kenny was serious about being a writer, he 

would learn these things in time and he would improve with each 

thing he wrote. Even though Evan and his son were not biologi-

cally related, Evan felt proud to see his son follow in his footsteps. 

Though Evan would never have said it aloud, he took even more 

pride in the fact that his son didn’t want to be a billionaire Wall 

Street shark like his other dad. They’d never encouraged Kenny 

one way or the other. His natural abilities in English were evident 

from the day he entered school. He started to read full novels be-

fore most of the other kids, and it seemed to come naturally to him. 

And now, ten years later, he was actually writing his own fiction 

and reading it in front of a roomful of people.

When he finished, Evan applauded with the others and turned 

to the nice-looking young man sitting beside him. Evan was smil-

ing so wide his face pinched. He said to the man, “That’s my son. 

He wrote that on his own. Wasn’t he wonderful?”

The handsome man with brown hair smiled and said, “I know. 

I’m his English teacher. He’d a good kid.”

Evan felt his face grow warm. He’d thought this guy was one 

of the other parents, not the teacher. He looked to be around twen-

ty-five years old.

The teacher reached out to shake Evan’s hand and introduced 

himself. “Carson Savione,” he said. Then he gave Evan the same 

seductive glance the kid in the hallway had just given him.

Evan ignored his look and he shook his hand. “I’m Evan Little-

field, Kenny’s dad.”

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” Carson said. “You’re the famous 

author in the family. I haven’t read your work, but I’m planning to 

soon.”

Evan stared down at his feet and shrugged. “Far from famous. 

I’m just a career writer trying to make a decent living doing what I 

love most. My son tends to exaggerate sometimes. It will help him 

with his fiction someday, I’m sure.” Evan hated pretense of any 

kind. He wrote for a living; just like people clean teeth for a living 

or build houses for a living. He didn’t think he did anything that 

special.

Carson stared into his eyes and said, “He left a few things out. 

He didn’t tell me you were so young and attractive. I kind of pic-

tured someone with less hair, a larger waist, and bushy eyebrows.”

Evan was starting to wonder what was with the people at this 

school. First the kid in the hall, and now the teacher. So he smiled 

and said, “I wish my husband had been able to come tonight. I’m 

sorry he missed Kenny’s reading.” He figured if he mentioned Jef-

fery, the teacher would stop flirting.

But Carson tilted his head to the side and said, “I thought you 

and your husband were separated. That’s what Kenny said.”

Evan laughed this time. He tended to laugh whenever he felt 

uncomfortable. “We’re not exactly separated. We just don’t live 

together. You must have misunderstood Kenny. It’s a little compli-

cated. But we’re still very married.” He was not going into details 

with a total stranger, especially one so aggressive.

Then someone called the teacher’s name and he turned to see 

who it was. Evan figured this was a good chance to escape. He 

turned fast and said, “It was nice meeting you. I’m going to wait 

for Kenny downstairs now.”

By the time Carson turned around, Evan had reached the door. 

Carson waved and said, “It was nice meeting you. I hope I’ll see 

you again.”

Evan sent his son’s English teacher a backward glance and 

smiled, and then he slipped out the door and practically ran back 

downstairs to wait for Kenny on the street.

When Kenny finally did step onto the sidewalk, Evan saw him 

from behind a huge potted shrub next to a fire hydrant. He’d been 

waiting in the background, trying to avoid contact with any of the 

other parents or students. He’d seen a few people he knew and he 

didn’t feel like making small talk. He would have gone right back 

home but he knew that would have disappointed his son.

Kenny turned and caught a glimpse of him next to the shrub. 

He walked over and threw his arms around him. “I figured you’d 

be out here,” he said. “I saw you in the back of the room talking to 

Mr. Savione.”

It had only been a month since Evan had seen his son and he 

looked and felt as if he’d grown another inch. He stepped back and 

said, “You look like a man now. I can’t believe you’ve grown up in 

such a short amount of time.” He reminded Evan of a young ver-

sion of Tom Cruise, with dark hair, a tight slim body, and a smile 

that seemed to stop traffic on the noisy Manhattan street. Only he 

was much taller. He was already close to six feet and still growing.

Kenny smiled at his dad and said, “You look great, too. You 

shouldn’t be hiding behind a shrub.”

“I feel like an old troll,” Evan said. He hiked up his pants for 

the one hundredth time.

“I think Mr. Savione would disagree,” Kenny said. “He came 

up to me and said he couldn’t believe I had such a good-looking 

young father.” Then Kenny made a face and pretended to gag.

“Mr. Savione seems like a nice man,” Evan said. “He thinks 

you’re a great student.” He wasn’t going to discuss the horny 

teacher with his son. “And I’m an old married man.”

Kenny leaned forward and said, “I’ll bet if you work it just 

right you could get me an A in this class. Savione was practically 

drooling over you.”

He knew his son was teasing him now. Kenny had a sense of 

humor like Jeffery: he tended to go for the weaker spots and he 

knew Evan didn’t like to discuss things like this with him. “Let’s 

go get something to drink and talk for a while. I want to catch up. 

I’ve missed you.”

When he mentioned getting a drink, Kenny’s head jerked.

“I’m talking about coffee, not booze,” Evan said. “Relax. I’m 

sober for good now. You have nothing to worry about.” He figured 

he’d get this out of the way sooner rather than later.

As Kenny was about to turn, the same young man who had 

bumped into Evan earlier walked up to Kenny and said, “See you 

tomorrow, man.” Then he smiled at Evan.

Kenny introduced them. “This is my buddy, Donald Fairweath-

er. Don, this is my dad, Evan Littlefield.”

Donald reached out to shake Evan’s hand and said, “We’ve 

already met. I can’t believe this guy is someone’s dad.” He tapped 

Evan on the arm and whistled.

Evan wanted to sink into the sidewalk and die of shame. But 

he smiled and shook the kid’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Donald. 

Now be a good boy and run along.” He wanted to kick him in the 

balls, but that wouldn’t have been smart either.

Donald turned to Kenny and said, “I do have to run, man. I’ll 

see you tomorrow.” Then he winked at Evan and ran across the 

street to meet up with a group of other young people who were 

climbing into a taxi.

When he was gone, Evan rolled his eyes and said, “There’s 

nothing shy about him.”

They both turned at the same time and started walking to the 

next block. “It’s not his fault,” Kenny said. “It’s your fault.”

Evan flung his son a horrified stare. “What are you talking 

about?” He didn’t think he’d made any overt advances. He’d been 

working hard not to look him in the eye.

Kenny shrugged. “I’ve learned to live with it. You’re just too 

good to be true. You do things to guys that make them wild. You 

had Mr. Savione and my best friend drooling over you. It’s like you 

give off these invisible signals that guys can’t resist. I don’t get it. 

But I can’t miss it.”

This time Evan knew his son was joking around in a sarcastic 

way. He could tell by that fake lilt in his voice. Kenny knew Evan 

tended to be more conservative and talk like this freaked him out. 

Like most kids know their parents, he could zoom in on Evan’s 

weakest points whenever the mood suited him.

So Evan patted Kenny on the back and said, “And if you keep 

it up, young man, I’m going to kick you in the ass.” They’d been 

joking around this way since Kenny had been a child, which was 

one reason why they were more like friends than father and son. 

And Kenny was straight, which seemed to make all this male-

male interaction even more entertaining to him. Kenny had told 

them early that he was attracted to women in an almost apologetic 

way—as if he’d disappointed his two gay fathers. Both Jeffery and 

Evan hugged him and told him he didn’t have to apologize for any-

thing and that he could be whoever he wanted to be, gay, straight, 

or bi-sexual for all they cared. They just wanted him to be happy. 

This was something else Evan never said aloud to anyone and he 

often felt guilty about it: he was glad his son wasn’t gay because 

he’d have a much easier life all the way around.

When they reached the corner, Evan said, “Let’s go to that little 

coffee place near the house.” He was talking about the townhouse 

where Jeffery and Kenny lived, not his own apartment in Alphabet 

City downtown. “We’ll talk and then I’ll walk you home and get a 

cab.”

“Why don’t I get a few things and go back downtown with you 

tonight?” Kenny said. “I’m thinking of moving in with you any-

way. I might as well start moving my things now.”

When Evan heard this, he stopped breathing for a moment. He 

turned, with his palm to his throat, and said, “What on Earth are 

you talking about?” Kenny had a habit of springing things on him 

this way without warning.

Kenny smiled and said, “I’ve already talked to Dad about it and 

he’s okay with it. I want to move in with you full time.”

At first, Evan didn’t know how to react. He couldn’t reject his 

son, yet he didn’t want him living with him full time because he 

wasn’t sure he was strong enough yet to deal with a teenager. “We 

have to talk about this more. And my apartment is so far from your 

school.”

“Dad said he’d have a car there to pick me up and bring me 

home every day,” Kenny said. “We both think it’s a good idea.”

“I saw your dad this afternoon,” Evan said. “He didn’t men-

tion any of this to me.” Wasn’t this just like Jeffery? He did things 

like this all the time. He would plan and calculate, setting Evan up 

without letting Evan know anything until the final moment. Evan 

also had a feeling he knew their motivation. They both thought 

he was too unstable to live alone and they wanted Kenny there 

at all times to keep an eye on him so he wouldn’t wind up drink-

ing again. This point he knew he couldn’t argue. The only way to 

prove to everyone that he could remain sober forever was to show 

them, not to tell them. And he had a lot of showing to do.

“Dad wanted me to bring it up first,” Kenny said.

They crossed the street and Evan said, “I’m sure he did. That’s 

how your dad operates.”

“Don’t get mad at Dad,” Kenny said. “It really was my idea. At 

first, he wasn’t even sure about it. I kept bugging him.”

“I just wish he’d said something to me this afternoon when I 

talked to him,” Evan said. For the first time since he’d left Havil-

land, he felt like having a drink. An ice-cold glass of vodka would 

have hit the spot.

“You could just come back home and have your own room,” 

Kenny said.

Jeffery and Evan had explained their complicated situation 

to Kenny as honestly as they could without going into any of the 

sexual details he did not need to know. “I’m not ready to do that,” 

Evan said. “You know your dad and I love each other. But we can’t 

live together right now, and I’m not sure we ever will.”

They talked more about this in detail over coffee and Evan still 

wasn’t convinced he was strong enough emotionally to deal with 

a teenager full time. He knew Jeffery couldn’t be depended on for 

anything but the next business deal he was working on. It wasn’t 

that Jeffery was totally absent. Neither Kenny nor Evan had to 

worry about money. But Jeffery couldn’t be depended on to deal 

with the ordinary mundane issues of everyday life that required 

more attention sometimes than a major crisis.

What made Evan’s chest cave in was when Kenny said, “I’m 

going away to school next year and I want to spend as much time 

with you as I can. Dad’s never home. You know how it is. He’s 

always working or traveling. I spend most of the time with Ellie.”

Ellie was their live-in housekeeper at the townhouse, a short, 

stout proper British nanny who baked kidney pie and brewed loose 

tea with a contraption that looked like it came out of one of Evan’s 

historical novels. Evan had hired her when they’d first adopted 

Kenny and she’d been there ever since. Evan knew Kenny had a 

point. With Ellie around all the time Jeffery never had to worry 

about being home for Kenny, not that Jeffery ever actually worried 

about anything.

“And that werewolf is really creeping me out,” Kenny said.

Evan covered his mouth and smiled. He even had Kenny call-

ing Jeffery’s assistant the werewolf now. “What does your father’s 

assistant have to do with any of this?” Evan asked. He was still 

smiling, but he didn’t want to refer to Jeffery’s assistant in front of 

Kenny as the werewolf.

“He’s always around, ready to please Dad,” Kenny said. “I 

think he’s trying to get into Dad’s pants. If you ask me…”

“Kenny,” Evan said. “I don’t want to hear that kind of talk. You 

know your father never mixes business and pleasure.” This was 

true about Jeffery. He would screw any man on the planet, but he 

always kept his business relationships uncomplicated.

Kenny rolled his eyes. “Look, I’m not a kid anymore. I know 

how things are. I know Dad’s not a saint and that’s one of the rea-

sons you aren’t living at home anymore. But seriously, the were-

wolf is like totally creeped out.”

Evan had to fight to hide his smile this time. He thought the 

werewolf was, as Kenny had stated, totally creeped out, too. But he 

didn’t want to say this in front of Kenny. “What happens between 

your dad and me is something personal that’s just between us and 

you don’t need to worry about it. We both love you, and we’re both 

there for you, and that’s all you have to worry about.” One thing 

he and Jeffery had agreed upon was never to talk down about each 

other in front of Kenny.

“Well, I know that,” Kenny said. He rolled his eyes again. 

“I’m not mad at either one of you, and I’m not like those kids who 

resent their parents getting divorced.”

“We’re not divorced,” Evan said. He might have reacted too 

soon. He tended to be sensitive about this because he was still so 

much in love with his husband.

Kenny stopped walking and pulled Evan over to bench in one 

of those small parks that were cropping up all over Manhattan 

thanks to some group that wanted to make the city more appeal-

ing. When they were both seated, Kenny reached for Evan’s hands, 

held them, and said, “I just want to spend some time with you right 

now. Why does it have to be more complicated than that? I’m not 

mad at Dad. I’m not all screwed up or anything like a lot of the 

kids I know who come from broken homes.”

Evan shrugged. “You’re not from a broken home. Your father 

and I love each other more now than we did the day we met. I’ve 

told you the story of how we met and fell in love a million times. It 

happened when we least expected it.”

Kenny squeezed his hands tighter. “I know that story. Please 

spare me the mushy details. And tell me it’s okay for me to move 

in.”

Evan felt himself getting weaker. “And you’re sure your dad is 

okay with this?”

“We’ve talked about it and he’s fine.”

“If I did agree, which I’m not sure I will yet, I still have to talk 

to your dad about it first.”

Kenny laughed. “You know Dad would do anything for you. 

All you have to do is ask.”

“Is it that obvious?” Evan asked. He’d never been able to de-

pend on Jeffery emotionally. But he did know Jeffery would have 

done almost anything he asked. He’d always wondered if other 

people noticed the power they both had over each other.

“It’s that obvious.” Kenny frowned and shrugged his shoulders. 

“I know how Dad can be sometimes. I’m not stupid. But I also 

know he’d never say no to you.”

Evan stood up and they started toward the avenue where he 

would hail a cab. When they reached the corner, he asked, “If I 

agree to you moving in with me, when is this going to take place?”

“I can move in tonight,” Kenny said.

Evan had been thinking more along the lines of a month or 

two, just to give himself time to get used to being back in the real 

world again. “You’re pushing me now.”

“I know,” Kenny said.

Evan saw an empty cab approach and he lifted his arm. When 

the driver stopped, he opened the door and said, “I’ll talk to your 

dad tomorrow and we’ll set a date.” He knew this went against 

all his better judgment, but he couldn’t say no to his son. And as 

frightened as he was about having Kenny live with him full time, 

he knew deep down he wanted to spend this time with his son 

while he was still young enough to enjoy him. Kenny would be a 

grown man in a few years and Evan would never get this time back 

again.

When he said this, Kenny grabbed him and hugged him so hard 

he almost took his breath away, which was not something Kenny 

did often. “This is so cool. I love you, Dad.”

Evan climbed into the backseat and said, “I love you, too, kid. 

I’ll call you tomorrow.”

As the driver pulled away from the curb, Evan glanced back 

through the rear windshield and waved at his son. Kenny was 

standing on the sidewalk, with his long legs spread apart, waving 

with both arms in the air. But it was the smile on his son’s face 

that caused a sting in his eyes. Evan had missed a few events in his 

son’s life because of his drinking, and he knew he could never get 

them back again, but he could at least try to do the right thing now 

while he still had a chance.

Chapter Five

“I don’t see any harm in it,” Jeffery said. “I’m on my way to 

the West Coast and I can’t talk long. There’s a car waiting for me 

downstairs.”

“This is a big thing,” Evan said. “Our son wants to move in 

with me full time and I’m not sure it’s the best thing for him.” As 

Evan had promised his son, he’d phoned Jeffery to see how he felt 

about Kenny moving in with Evan full time.

“You’re his father, too,” Jeffery said. “And it’s not like he’s 

moving to a different country. He’s going to the same school. He’ll 

still be able to go back and forth between the townhouse and your 

apartment. I don’t see an issue. I think it would be good for you 

both.”

“And you can come and go as you please,” Evan said. He’d 

promised himself he wouldn’t get nasty with Jeffery. But Evan 

tended to read between the lines for ulterior motives whenever Jef-

fery proposed something to him.

“I already come and go as I please,” Jeffery said.

“That’s true.” Evan sighed. He wanted things to be different; 

he wanted Jeffery to change so they could live together as a family 

again.

“Now you sound angry,” Jeffery said.

“I’m not angry,” Evan said. “I’m worried. I recently got out of 

rehab and I’m still getting myself together. This was the last thing I 

expected to be dealing with. I haven’t even started working yet.”

Jeffery hesitated for a moment. Evan heard his assistant, the 

werewolf, come into the office and ask him a question. Evan 

couldn’t hear exactly what the werewolf said, but it made him 

clench his fists to think Jeffery would ignore him when they were 

talking about something so important.

“Are you still there?” Evan asked, speaking louder.

“I’m here,” Jeffery said. “But I have to go. Look, I think this is 

a good thing for both of you. Kenny’s talked to me about it and I 

support it completely. He needs time with you and if you don’t let 

him live with you he might hold it against you for the rest of his 

life.”

Evan had considered this already. If he refused to take Kenny 

full time, Kenny might resent him forever, which could define their 

future relationship. And he didn’t want that to happen. Besides, 

he knew he wasn’t going to get anywhere with Jeffery today. This 

new business deal he’d been working on seemed to be consuming 

him. “I’ll call him and tell him he can move in next Friday night. I 

want to fix the apartment up a little before then.”

“Excellent,” Jeffery said. “Then it’s all settled. I’ll arrange to 

have a car pick him up to and from school. If you need anything, 

let me know. You know you don’t have to want for anything.”

“I know,” Evan said. The trouble was that the one thing he 

wanted didn’t cost anything: living like a real family, with his hus-

band and son. And Jeffery couldn’t seem to provide this.

“So we’re good?” Jeffery asked.

“We’re good,” Evan said. “Call me and let me know when you 

get to the West Coast.” Jeffery always checked in with him when 

he traveled. It was the one thing Evan knew he could depend on.

Jeffery said, “I will. Love you.”

When Evan told Kenny he could move in full time the follow-

ing Friday night, Kenny said he’d be there in time for dinner. He 

sounded so excited on the phone Evan couldn’t help smiling and 

feeling the same way. Then Evan went to work on the apartment. 

With his best friend Cadin’s help, he managed to paint every single 

room, including the small kitchen, a bright, clean shade of off-

white. He ordered a new full-sized mattress for Kenny’s room, plus 

new pillows, sheets, and covers. He even painted the insides of all 

the closets so everything would be fresh and new.

By Thursday evening he sat back on the sofa and glanced at 

the living room. They’d finished putting all the furniture back 

and Cadin had just left. Evan had offered to take him out to din-

ner that night as thanks for all his help. But Cadin asked for a rain 

check because he had a date that night with a new guy he’d met 

on the Internet. From what Cadin said, a cute guy with nice big 

hips. Evan didn’t pursue it. He was so tired all he wanted to do 

was fall into his bed and sleep for hours. He hadn’t done that much 

manual labor since the first year he’d moved into the apartment. 

He could have asked Jeffery to send painters over. Jeffery would 

have paid the bill and Evan wouldn’t have had to lift a finger. But 

this was where Evan tended to be stubborn. He knew if he did that, 

he would grow more co-dependent on Jeffery than he already was. 

And Evan didn’t want a co-dependent marriage. He wanted a real 

marriage, where both people were equals, and he wouldn’t settle 

for less.

He yawned and noticed the painting over the fireplace was 

crooked, so he got up to straighten it. When he stepped back to 

make sure it was straight, he felt a hunger pang and realized he 

didn’t have a thing to eat in the house. If there was one thing 

about Kenny he knew to be true, it was his appetite. The boy never 

stopped eating. How he managed to eat so much and never get 

fat amazed Evan. Even at Kenny’s age, Evan would have gained 

weight if he’d eaten that much.

But Evan was too tired to go shopping that evening, and he had 

a luncheon appointment with his agent on Friday he knew would 

take up most of the afternoon, so he figured he’d phone the grocery 

store and have a list of things delivered instead. They would prob-

ably order take-out tomorrow night—Kenny could eat an entire 

pizza himself—but at least there would be food in the apartment in 

case Kenny got hungry late at night.

He placed the order, and went into the bathroom to take a quick 

shower. When he dried himself off, he shaved and put on a pair of 

white briefs. He’d figured it would take at least an hour to have the 

groceries delivered and he had plenty of time to get dressed.

But while he was arranging new white bath towels he’d pur-

chased that week at Gracious Home, he heard a knock on the door 

and he glanced at his watch. It couldn’t have been more than forty 

minutes since he’d placed the order. He heard a louder knock and 

grabbed a white dress shirt hanging on a hook behind the bathroom 

door. He’d sent his robe out with the rest of his laundry, and the 

white shirt was long enough to cover everything. It was an old shirt 

that had once belonged to Jeffery, with frayed sleeves and tails 

that stopped at the middle of his thighs. He often slept in this shirt 

because it he felt so comfortable in it.

After another knock, he said, “I’ll be right there.” Then he but-

toned the shirt and jogged to the door in his bare feet. On the way, 

he pulled cash out of his wallet for a tip. He felt a little lightheaded 

and blamed it on the combination of paint fumes and not eating 

enough that day.

He hadn’t planned on letting anyone inside. He would open the 

door partially, reach out and take the box of groceries, and hand 

the delivery person a tip. But when he opened the door, the deliv-

ery person pushed it forward before he had a chance to protest. He 

walked over to the dining table without glancing back at where 

Evan was hiding behind the door. Evan stood there speechless, 

watching the same red-headed delivery man he’d met the day he’d 

been discharged from Havilland walk across his apartment. He 

pulled the shirt down to make sure his underwear wasn’t exposed.

The guy set the box on the table and turned to face Evan. His 

eyes opened wider and he rubbed his chin. “Hey, dude,” he said. 

“Looks like you got caught with your pants down, man.” He was 

trying to make a joke, but joking didn’t come easily to him.

Evan felt his face grown warm. He smiled and pretended 

nothing was out of the ordinary. After all, guys walked around in 

their underwear all the time and no one made a fuss about it. He 

took a few steps forward and reached out with the five-dollar bill. 

“Thanks for carrying it in. This is for you. I told them to charge the 

order to Jeffery Charles.”

The red-headed guy ignored him. He looked him up and down 

again and said, “You look nice. I think you were expecting me.”

Evan rolled his eyes and laughed. “Don’t flatter yourself, bud-

dy.” After that smug remark, his embarrassment turned into frustra-

tion. He hadn’t planned anything. This guy was new and Evan had 

only met him that one time. Besides, if he had planned on seducing 

the delivery man he would have at least dried his hair.

The guy walked up to him and said, “I don’t think so. Don’t be 

shy. It’s a little obvious, but it’s cute.”

Evan stepped back and said, “I think you got the wrong idea. 

My son is moving in here full time tomorrow and this isn’t some-

thing I would do on purpose.” At least it wasn’t something Evan 

would have done on purpose sober. If he’d been drinking, he would 

have done something like this, and more. He probably would have 

opened the door stark naked and pulled the delivery guy into the 

apartment.

“You don’t look old enough to have a kid,” the guy said.

“We adopted him when he was seven,” Evan said. The guy 

was wearing faded jeans that hung low on his hips. His jacket was 

some kind of black shiny material and his black work boots had 

those thick nubby ridged soles. Evan noticed his large hands and 

his thick neck. He had a deep voice and spoke with a Bronx accent.

As the guy moved closer, Evan continued to step back. “I think 

you should leave now. You seem like a nice guy but I didn’t plan 

anything.” He knew he was smiling; he tried to stop. But there was 

something adorable about this guy he found hard to resist.

“I don’t think you want me to leave,” the guy said. He contin-

ued to smile.

When Evan’s back was to the wall next to the door, Evan 

pressed his palms to the guy’s chest and tried to push him. But his 

body was wide and solid, and Evan didn’t push too hard. “I’m go-

ing to be thirty years old. You can’t be older than twenty.”

The guy reached out and grabbed Evan by the waist. “I’m 

nineteen and as far as I know I’m legal. That’s not much of an age 

difference anyways. Besides, I like older dudes, especially older 

dudes with legs like yours.” His right hand went down and he 

started caressing Evan’s thigh.

Evan felt more like eighty years old. The way he’d said “any-

ways” made Evan cringe for a second. He tried pushing him one 

more time; he tried one last time explaining that he hadn’t planned 

to seduce him. When he was sober, Evan didn’t think that way and 

he never planned anything in advance—which tended to be part 

of his problem in life. But the guy continued to caress his thigh, 

which only made Evan’s voice grow weaker. Then he started to un-

button Evan’s shirt. Before Evan knew it, the white shirt was fall-

ing off his shoulders and the young guy was pulling down Evan’s 

underpants.

It all happened fast and Evan had no time to think about it. 

When he realized how attracted he was to this guy, he stopped talk-

ing, stopped making excuses, and submitted completely. Although 

he had sex with Jeffery often, this was the first time in a long time 

he’d had sex with another man while he hadn’t been drinking. It 

wasn’t cheating. Jeffery and Evan had an open marriage and Jef-

fery had been the one who’d wanted an open marriage. But more 

than that, this young red-headed guy with the scruffy beard and 

shiny black jacket had always been the kind of man Evan had 

fantasized about. He wasn’t by any means as attractive as Jeffery, 

at least not in a handsome refined way. This guy was stockier and 

rougher. His hands moved with sharp jerks in ways that made Evan 

breathe heavier. He spoke with poor grammar and didn’t seem to 

care. When he pulled the white shirt of Evan’s back and said, “You 

don’t need to do nothing but what I tell you to do,” Evan’s erection 

started to pulse.

Then he pulled Evan’s underwear down to the middle of his 

thighs and he slapped Evan on the ass. “Get down on your fucking 

knees and suck my dick. You know that’s what you want. That’s 

why you answered the door dressed that way. You don’t have to 

play no games with me, man. It’s cool. I’ll take care of you.”

Evan thought about protesting all this one more time. But it 

didn’t seem to matter anymore. Jeffery was off on the West Coast 

doing whatever it was he did without Evan. As far as Evan knew 

Jeffery could have been screwing half the guys in Silicon Valley. 

So he reached up and caressed the red-headed guy’s scruffy face, 

and then he pulled off his underwear, went down on his knees, and 

pulled the guy’s zipper down.

The guy turned out to be as thick as Evan had hoped he would 

be. He’d also been wearing boxer shorts, which Evan had hoped he 

would be wearing. Although Jeffery always wore expensive de-

signer underwear, the rough guys who wore loose boxer shorts did 

something to Evan he couldn’t explain. He even enjoyed reaching 

into the fly of the guy’s boxer shorts to pull out his dick. Nothing 

could be more of a turn off to Evan than a guy wearing underwear 

that looked like women’s panties.

Evan took his time and held him gently. When his dick was 

sticking out of his shorts, Evan then reached in to pull out his balls. 

He saw no reason to hold back. He’d never done anything like 

this with a delivery man and he wanted to enjoy the novelty of the 

experience for as long as it lasted.

The guy spread his legs wider and he grabbed Evan’s head with 

both hands. When he leaned back, Evan closed his eyes and started 

sucking. He had to open his mouth extra wide; the corners of his 

lips hurt because the guy was so thick. But once Evan’s tongue 

found the bottom of the guy’s shaft, his jaw indented and he went 

to work. The guy held his head the entire time, pulling and jerk-

ing him around. At some point, the aggressive guy moved his hips 

and slammed into the deepest part of Evan’s throat without warn-

ing. Evan had never been the type to gag; he’d never coughed or 

choked. A big thick dick in his mouth felt as natural to him as a 

length of rosary beads in a nun’s hand. Although he wouldn’t have 

gone as far as calling cock-sucking a religious experience, it came 

damn near close to putting him into a higher state of conscious-

ness. In fact, for gay men like Evan, nothing else existed to which 

cock-sucking could be compared.

The guy had to get back to work, so they both knew it wouldn’t 

last long. Eventually, the guy grabbed the back of Evan’s head and 

said, “Get up and bend over the table.”

While Evan followed his orders, the guy took a condom out 

of his back pocket, pulled his pants and boxer shorts down to his 

knees, and put on the condom. Evan was ready and waiting for 

him. He’d lifted his right leg up and rested it on the dining table 

and his left remained braced to the floor. The guy slapped Evan’s 

ass with his dick and he played with Evan’s hole for a minute or 

two with his fingers. When he finally entered, Evan’s head went up 

and he grabbed both sides of the table and squeezed as hard as he 

could. Though the condom was pre-lubed, the girth and length felt 

more like an invasion than a welcoming experience. The pain ren-

dered Evan speechless for so long he never thought it would pass.

But when it did, which he knew it would, Evan arched his back 

and reached around the grab the young guy’s thigh. Each time the 

guy went deep, Evan pulled on his thigh, begging him to go even 

deeper without saying a word. They lasted in this position for a few 

minutes, then the guy pulled out and said, “Get on your back and 

lift up your legs.”

When Evan did this, the guy entered him again and this time he 

moved faster. Evan kept sliding backward on the dining table be-

cause there was nothing to hold, and the guy had to grab his thighs 

and keep pulling him forward. He didn’t seem to mind. He only 

fucked faster and he never took his eyes off what was happening 

between Evan’s legs.

Evan thought they would come this way. He’d been stroking 

himself the entire time. But then the guy stopped fucking and he 

pulled out. He slapped Evan on the ass and said, “I’m close, man. 

Get down on your knees again.”

The guy didn’t have to go into a detailed explanation for Evan. 

During a fuck session like this, any gay man with the most limited 

experience would have known what he wanted.

The guy helped Evan climb down from the table, in an unex-

pected gentle way. This time he reached for a throw pillow so Evan 

would have something to kneel on, which Evan thought was a nice 

gesture for someone who seemed so clueless. When Evan was on 

the floor kneeling, the guy pulled off the condom and put the head 

of his dick into Evan’s mouth. Evan grabbed his thigh with one 

hand, and grabbed his own dick with the other. The guy started to 

jack and his fist bumped into Evan’s lips, so Evan closed his eyes 

and waited. In less than a minute or two, the guy came. Then the 

guy released his dick and grabbed Evan’s face. Evan took it all the 

way into his mouth, sucking even harder.

After Evan climaxed, he continued to suck until the guy 

laughed and said, “I have to get back to the store. Damn. I wish 

you’d teach my girlfriend how to suck dick like that.”

Evan glanced up. “Your girlfriend?” He should have guessed.

 The guy pulled up his pants and said, “She tries, but those 

fucking teeth kill me. And she only sucks on the head, with that 

hand over hand thing, as if she doesn’t like sucking dick.”

Evan smiled and reached for his white shirt. He put it on and 

stood up. Though he knew most men hated nothing more than teeth 

during a blow job, he didn’t feel like handing out blow job advice 

to anyone. The girlfriend could learn how to suck cock on her own.

On his way out, the guy reached down and patted Evan on the 

ass. “I guess I’ll see you around, man. Maybe next time I’ll fuck 

you in the bedroom.”

As far as Evan was concerned there wouldn’t be a next time. 

He would start shopping at another store because he wasn’t inter-

ested in making this a regular event. But he smiled and said, “Let 

me give you a tip.” He was going to give him five dollars, but he 

figured he’d better give him more now.

The guy laughed and said, “Fuck, man. I should be giving you 

a tip. Forget about it.” Then grabbed Evan’s back, pulled him for-

ward, and kissed him on the mouth.

When he was gone, Evan picked up his underwear and walked 

to his bedroom. He fell back on the bed and stared up at the ceil-

ing, amazed at how satisfied he felt after such a cold, emotion-

less encounter. He didn’t even know the delivery guy’s name. He 

wanted a drink now more than any time since he’d left Havilland. 

He would have killed for the taste of ice-cold vodka sliding down 

his throat.

But he noticed something else that evening he’d never experi-

enced before. He’d just had sex with a stranger and he hadn’t been 

drunk this time. And though he felt a little guilty about it, the over-

whelming feeling of self-hate did not rush through his body and fill 

him with anxiety. The bad feeling in the pit of his stomach didn’t 

happen. The craving for alcohol would never disappear. He knew 

this deep down and he would have to figure out a way to live with 

it. But at least he wasn’t falling apart this time, running down the 

steps to the nearest bar. And for the first time since he’d moved out 

of the townhouse, he wondered if Jeffery might not be right about 

having an open marriage. At least it was something to consider.

Chapter Six

“I can’t stay much longer,” Cadin said. “I’m meeting the same 

guy I saw last night.”

“The one with the big ass?” Evan asked.

Cadin smiled and pretended to fuck the chair. “I prefer full 

hips, thank you.”

“Please stay until he gets here,” Evan said. “It will help break 

the ice.” He’d asked Cadin to come over to be there when Kenny 

arrived.

Cadin glanced at his watch, frowned, and said, “I can stay an-

other half hour. But that’s it.”

Evan decided to change the subject and ask Cadin more about 

his date. He knew his best friend better than anyone and he knew 

how much Cadin liked talking about himself. “So do you think this 

could be something serious?” In spite his own disillusions with 

love, Evan still believed in the concept of love and he wanted his 

best friend to live happily ever after. This concept of living happily 

ever after for gay people was still so new, half of the gay people 

Evan knew weren’t completely convinced it even existed.

“I don’t want to talk about it too much,” Cadin said. “You 

know how I feel about Kina Hora.”

Evan laughed. Cadin tended to be superstitious and he used 

the phrase Kina Hora often. Though Cadin was not Jewish, it was 

a Yiddish word that was supposed to protect people from jealousy 

and bad luck when something good happens to them. “You can 

tell me the basics, without the details. I’m not going to wish you 

bad luck. I love you.” He was smiling the entire time, but he was 

so nervous about Kenny moving in that night he felt like running 

down to the corner bar and having a martini. He actually had to 

lace his fingers together to keep his hands from shaking.

Cadin went into the kitchen for a cup of coffee and said, “He’s 

thirty-five, he’s a schoolteacher in Brooklyn, and he’s recently 

divorced.” Evan kept a pot of coffee going all day. He hadn’t re-

placed alcohol with caffeine; nothing could do that. It just helped 

him get through the day.

Cadin frowned. “From a man or a woman?”

“A woman,” Cadin said, carrying a fresh mug of coffee into the 

living room.

“Does he have kids?”

Cadin shrugged and took a sip of coffee. “Two boys,” he said. 

“Ages eleven and thirteen.”

This was interesting to Evan because Cadin had never been 

particularly fond of children. “Are you sure you should be getting 

involved with a guy who has kids?”

“No. But I like him a lot.”

“Good for you,” Evan said. “I think it’s wonderful that you’re 

willing to keep an open mind. Five years ago you wouldn’t have 

done that.”

“Five years ago I was only twenty-five and I thought I’d be 

young forever,” Cadin said. “Five years ago I had no idea how fast 

five years would fly by and I’d be thirty.”

“Isn’t that the truth?”

The phone rang and Cadin picked it up first because he was 

standing next to it. Evan got up from the sofa and watched him. 

The only person who would call at that hour would be Jeffery. 

And he’d already checked in with Evan from the West Coast a few 

hours earlier.

Cadin said, “I’m not sure, but I’ll check and see,” and he cov-

ered the receiver with his palm and said, “It’s a guy named Carson 

Savione. He wants to talk to you.”

Evan’s head turned sideways. “What in the world does he 

want?” He’d probably found Evan’s number in Kenny’s school 

records. The school had both his and Jeffery’s contact information 

in case of an emergency.

Cadin glanced at his watch and said, “Don’t ask me.”

“He’s Kenny’s English teacher,” Evan said. “I met him the 

night I went to hear Kenny do a reading at his school. He flirted 

with me.” Evan hadn’t mentioned the way Carson had flirted with 

him that night to anyone up until now, the same way he hadn’t 

mentioned he’d had sex with the delivery guy from the grocery 

store. He shared some things with his good friends, but not every-

thing. He’d always believed there were certain things everyone had 

a right to keep to themselves and no one else had a right to know 

them.

“What should I say?”

The buzzer sounded and Evan said, “That’s Kenny down-

stairs.”

“Should I tell this dude you’re not here?” Cadin said. “It might 

not be a good idea to get involved with your son’s teacher.”

Evan thought for a moment, and then said, “It could be about 

Kenny, not about me. Maybe it’s something to do with school. Tell 

him I’ll be right there. I’ll take it in the bedroom. Would you buzz 

Kenny up?” He felt a twinge of guilt for not putting Kenny first. 

When Evan went into his bedroom, he closed the door and picked 

up the phone. “Hello, this is Evan Littlefield.” He hoped Carson 

was calling about Kenny.

“Hey, this is Carson Savione. We met at your son’s school. I’m 

his English teacher.”

“Yes. I remember,” Evan said. “Is everything okay with 

Kenny? He’s not in trouble or failing something, is he?” Although 

Kenny had always been an A student, he decided to ask just in 

case.

“No. He’s fine,” Carson said. “I called to speak to you about 

something else. I was wondering if you’d like to get together one 

night next week.”

This wasn’t something Evan wanted to deal with that night. He 

took a quick breath and pressed his palm to his stomach, wonder-

ing what to say now. “Can I call you back tomorrow? It’s kind of 

busy around here tonight. Kenny is moving in full time with me to-

night and he just arrived.” This was actually the first time anything 

like this had come up and he wondered if accepting a date with a 

guy was allowed in an open marriage. But more than that, he found 

it both flattering and unnerving that Carson Savione would actually 

call him and ask him out.

Carson said, “Sure you can.” Then he gave Evan his number.

When Evan hung up, he walked into the living room and found 

Kenny hugging Cadin.

“I can’t believe how big you are,” Cadin said. “Your dad 

wasn’t joking around when he told me you’re almost a grown 

man.”

“You look good, too,” Kenny said.

“Come over here and give your dad a hug now,” Evan said. 

Now that Kenny was there, with several suitcases and a backpack, 

he didn’t feel as anxious as he had a few minutes earlier. He even 

thought about how nice it might be to have another person in the 

house.

While Kenny hugged Evan, he glanced around the apartment 

and said, “This place looks fantastic.”

Kenny smiled and glanced down at the floor. “I wanted to fix 

things up for you, and Cadin gave me a lot of help. I would have 

done more in the kitchen but there wasn’t time.” Even he had to 

admit the clean bright paint and all the cleaning out he’d done had 

turned that apartment into a new place. As a writer, Evan knew 

how important it was to edit. So he applied those editing skills to 

his apartment and he’d removed anything that didn’t need to be 

there. He’d removed tables, chairs, stacks of books, and wall hang-

ings he’d grown tired of looking at. The apartment not only looked 

better, it felt larger and more open than it had in years and the good 

pieces of furniture he had actually stood out.

“It looks great,” Kenny said, taking a step back. “I’ll bring my 

suitcases into my room and unpack them later.”

Cadin reached for his coat and said, “I have to be going. I have 

a date and I don’t want to keep him waiting.”

Kenny gave Cadin another hug and carried his bags into his 

bedroom.

As Evan walked Cadin to the door, he said, “Thanks for being 

here and helping me out with everything. I honestly don’t know 

what I would do without my friends.”

When he reached the door, Cadin stopped and turned. He put 

his arms around Evan and hugged him tightly. “Are you going to 

be okay? You sound uptight.”

Evan smiled. “Yes. I’m fine.”

“What did the schoolteacher want?”

Evan had been hoping Cadin would forget about the phone call 

from Carson. He shrugged and said, “He wants to have dinner with 

me next week. I said I’d call him back.”

“I think you should call him back and have dinner with him,” 

Cadin said.

Evan’s eyebrows went up. “You do?” He’d seemed against it at 

first and Evan wondered what had changed his mind.

Cadin nodded and said, “It’s time to go out and have a little 

fun. You know it’s never going to work out with you and Jeffery.” 

Cadin had never hidden that fact that he didn’t think Jeffery was 

right for Evan. Though he didn’t dislike Jeffery as a man, he’d 

never thought Jeffery knew how to deal with Evan’s emotions. 

“He’s never going to change and you’re not the one who is going 

to change him. As soon as you figure that out, you’ll be much hap-

pier.”

“I know that,” Evan said.

“I wonder if you do sometimes,” Cadin said. “All these years 

you’ve been married to him you’ve been trying to change him 

and turn him into someone he’s not. He likes to screw around. 

He cheats and lies whenever he gets a chance. He’s the ultimate 

example of pure douchbaggery and you’ve never been able to deal 

with it.”

“He’s good to me and he’s a great father,” Evan said. He hated 

it whenever someone talked down about Jeffery—even if they 

were right.

“That doesn’t make him a good husband and you know it.” 

Cadin grabbed Evan’s arms and he held them firmly. He looked 

into his eyes and said, “I think it’s time to move on and put the past 

behind you. This guy at Kenny’s school sounds like he could be 

good for you and that would be a novelty in itself. Give him a call 

and have dinner with him. I don’t see how it can hurt.”

Evan knew he wasn’t wrong. “I’ll think about it. I’m not sure. 

I’m still a married man.” The arrangement he had with Jeffery, as 

far as Evan understood it, was to have sex, not date outside the 

marriage.

Cadin rolled his eyes and opened the door. “Give me a break. 

Do you honestly think Jeffery never takes anyone else out? Seri-

ously, man. I’ll call you tomorrow to see how you’re doing. If you 

need anything, call me.” Then he told him he loved him, kissed 

him goodbye, and headed out the door.

When he was gone, Evan went into Kenny’s room where he 

found him unpacking jeans from a suitcase that reminded Evan 

of a doctor’s medical bag from the early 1900s. He sat down on 

Kenny’s bed and said, “I hope you like the changes I made. I tried 

to keep it masculine and butch. Nothing frilly or girly.”

Kenny dropped his jeans and laughed. “Dad, just because I’m 

straight doesn’t mean you have to overcompensate. I mean, it’s not 

like you have to hang baseball bats on the wall and put Playboy 

magazines under the mattress.”

Evan’s head went back. “I would never do that.”

Kenny laughed and said, “But I know you thought about it.”

This was true. Evan often did overcompensate because his 

son was straight. And he did this because he didn’t want Kenny 

to think he was trying to influence him with gay culture. He also 

wanted Kenny to know he loved him no matter what his sexual 

preference was. This, for Evan, was important. He often worried 

Kenny might wind up resenting him if he didn’t treat him like a 

straight kid. He’d felt that way growing up as a gay kid when his 

parents treated him like a straight kid. He didn’t want to make 

the same mistakes, and in turn he wound up going in the opposite 

direction, to the point of looking foolish at times. So Evan laughed 

and said, “Okay, I thought about it. But I didn’t do it. No girly 

magazines under the mattress. I promise.”

Kenny placed his jeans on a shelf in the closet and said, “What 

do you want to do for dinner? We can go out. We can order out. 

Or we can just call the grocery store on the corner and have a few 

things delivered.”

When Evan heard him mention having groceries delivered, 

he flung out his hand and said, “No. I’d rather not order from the 

grocery store on the corner.” The last thing he needed was for the 

nineteen-year-old delivery man to show up.

Kenny’s head tilted back. “Why?”

He laughed and said, “I did that yesterday. The kitchen is 

stocked with the best junk food ever made. I think we should order 

take-out from the sushi place two blocks away.” He knew they 

delivered and the person who delivered was a woman, not a man.

“Cool,” Kenny said. “I’ll get the menu. Are the menus still in 

the same drawer?”

Evan smiled when he heard Kenny remembered where he kept 

the take-out menus. He hadn’t even spent a weekend with him in 

the last year. “Yes. They’re still in the same place as always.”

* * * *

They ate so much sushi that night Evan plopped on the sofa 

and didn’t have the energy to reach for the TV remote. He held his 

stomach and said, “I have to be careful. I’m not used to eating that 

much.”

Kenny sat down on a black leather club chair and flung him a 

look. “Seriously? Dad, you barely ate anything. I’m the one who 

ate like a pig. You’re skin and bones.”

Evan hadn’t gained any weight since he’d been discharged 

from Havilland and he hadn’t been paying attention. “I guess 

you’re right,” he said. “You did eat way more than I did. But I’m 

still not used to eating that much.” When he drank, alcohol tended 

to make him look swollen. It also made him hungry. Without alco-

hol, he had to remind himself to eat otherwise he would forget.

“Can we watch Star Wars tonight?” Kenny asked. He’d seen 

each Star Wars movie at least a dozen times and it had become a 

ritual to watch them together. Kenny had been fascinated with the 

Star Wars saga since he’d been a kid. As child, he’d even worn 

Star Wars Halloween costumes. He’d been every male character 

in the film. And he’d thought it was hysterical the year Evan had 

decided to dress up for Halloween as Princess Leia. Thankfully, 

Kenny had no idea that Jeffery thought Evan dressed up as Prin-

cess Leia was even more entertaining. That night he’d fucked Evan 

for so long he had bruises on the back of his legs the next morning.

“Of course we can,” Evan said. “But let’s sit and talk for a few 

minutes.” He hadn’t been alone this way with Kenny in a long time 

and he wanted to get to know him as a young adult. He knew there 

were still hints of him as a child, but for the most part he was al-

most grown. He wanted to know the kind of man his son was going 

to turn out to be.

Kenny placed the TV remote on a glass topped table next to the 

chair and said, “What should we talk about?”

“What’s Mr. Savione like?” Evan asked.

“He’s a good teacher,” Kenny said. “I like him.”

“How would you feel about me going out to dinner with him?”

Kenny hesitated for a moment. He tended to think first before 

he replied to any question. This time it took a little longer. “What 

about Dad?”

Evan shrugged and said, “I’m not sure how he’ll feel about it. 

Your father and I have a complicated relationship that is very per-

sonal. We’ve talked about seeing other people and we both agreed 

it’s okay as long as neither one of us gets emotionally involved.” 

He’d never actually talked about this openly with Kenny. He 

wanted to do it because he suspected Kenny had to be wondering 

about their arrangement.

“I’m not sure I understand,” Kenny said. “If two people love 

each other I don’t get why they can’t live together and be happy 

with that.”

Evan laughed. “I’m not sure I understand it either, kid. But 

that’s how it is right now and there’s not much I can do to change 

it. You know I love your dad, and you know I have never talked 

down about him to you. And I never will do that. But he’s a com-

plicated man and I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to change him 

anymore.”

“But you still love Dad,” Kenny said. He seemed genuinely 

curious.

Evan smiled and said, “I love him more now than the first day I 

met him. But I’m not sure love solves all the problems in a rela-

tionship. I used to think it would. But not anymore.”

“It should,” Kenny said. “And I know Dad loves you.”

“How do you know that?”

“I asked him and he told me basically the same thing you just 

said.”

This comment from Kenny caused a tug in Evan’s heart. 

He wanted to change the subject because he didn’t want to dis-

cuss anything with Kenny he wasn’t sure he understood himself. 

“Would you be okay with me going out to dinner with Mr. Savi-

one?”

“I guess it would be okay,” Kenny said. “As long as I don’t 

have to call him Dad or anything like that.”

Evan laughed and said, “Oh God, it’s nothing like that. I prom-

ise you. It’s just dinner and that’s it.”

“But you’ll talk to Dad about it first,” Kenny said.

“Of course I will.”

“And what if he says it would bother him?”

Evan looked up at the ceiling and sighed aloud. “I’m not sure I 

can answer that right now.”

“This is just a suggestion,” Kenny said. “Maybe it might be a 

good thing if you went out with Mr. Savione, especially if it both-

ers Dad. This way he might get really jealous if he thinks there 

could be something serious with you and Mr. Savione.”

He sent his son a glance and said, “How did you get so smart?” 

He’d been thinking the same thing but he didn’t want Kenny to 

think he was devious that way. He knew Jeffery would never for-

bid him to go out with Carson, but he also knew Jeffery never hid 

his anger.

“I’d like to see you happy,” Kenny said. “And I don’t want you 

to start drinking again.”

“I’m sorry for everything,” Evan said. “I once swore I’d never 

do to my kid what my dad did to me with his drinking, and I 

wound up repeating the same mistakes all over.”

“I didn’t know your dad had a drinking problem,” Kenny said.

Evan’s dad had died long before Evan had met Jeffery and ad-

opted Kenny. “My dad didn’t think he had a problem either, which 

is how he wound up driving into a tree on his way home from a bar 

one rainy night when I was fifteen years old. I still don’t think I’ve 

forgiven him for that.” He sat up and leaned forward. “I don’t want 

you to end up feeling that way about me. Of all the horrible things 

in the world I can think about, that would be the worst.”

“You broke the cycle,” Kenny said. “You at least admit you 

have a problem and you’ve gone for help. That’s a huge difference 

than what your dad did.”

For a moment, Evan sat back and thought about this. While 

he’d been beating himself up over his drinking problem, he’d 

never actually realized he had done things differently than his own 

alcoholic father. “Thank you for being so forgiving.”

“I’m not that forgiving,” Kenny said. He stared down at his lap 

to avoid Evan’s eyes.

Evan felt a sharp pain in his stomach. “What do you mean?”

“I never forgave you for moving out of the townhouse and 

moving back here,” Kenny said. “I felt as if you’d abandoned me.”

This was hard to explain to his son, but he had to try. “I’m not 

always tough enough to deal with your dad. I had to leave and it 

had nothing to do with you. I was afraid if I didn’t leave he would 

wind up consuming me completely. And I didn’t want to ruin your 

life either. At the time I was out of control and I knew it. And 

although I regret having to leave you, I don’t regret leaving that 

situation. I did the best thing I could at the time and I can’t apolo-

gize for that. The only thing I can say is that I wish things had been 

different for you.”

Kenny glanced into his eyes and shrugged. “I’m not saying I 

had a bad childhood. Hell, you should hear what I hear from other 

kids in school. Some of them have moms and dads who are di-

vorced and they fight all the time. I know a few kids who have to 

spend two days at their mom’s house and then the next two days 

at their dad’s house. It just keeps rotating that way forever. That 

would freak me out. I like to be stable and know where I’m going 

to be every night when I come home from school. I also know kids 

who have stepmoms and stepdads and that’s even worse. I guess 

I’ve been pretty lucky for the most part. I have two dads who love 

each other, they never fight, and they always put me first.”

Evan stood up and he crossed to a cabinet where he kept the 

DVDs so they could watch Star Wars. He sent Kenny a backward 

glance and said, “It’s going to be better from now on. I can’t prom-

ise anything with your dad. But I can promise you that I won’t be 

drinking anymore. And, I’m glad you’re living here now.”

Then he turned toward the DVD player and pushed a button. It 

felt good talking to Kenny about these things. He only wished that 

craving for a drink would go away, at least for a few minutes. He 

wanted one even more now than earlier.

Chapter Seven

“I wanted to talk to you about something,” Evan said. It was 

Saturday morning and Evan had been disrupted from a deep sleep 

a half hour earlier thanks to Kenny’s music and all the banging 

around he’d done in the kitchen. It was the first time he’d been up 

before ten in the morning in long time.

“How’s Kenny?” Jeffery asked. He was calling from the West 

Coast. “Did he move in last night? I haven’t spoken to him yet.”

Evan yawned and said, “He’s fine. He moved in last night, and 

this morning I woke to the lovely sound of Mumford & Sons blast-

ing in the kitchen. He went to football practice.” Actually, Evan 

liked Mumford & Sons, but not before noon on a Saturday.

Jeffery whispered something Evan couldn’t make out. “Do you 

have someone in bed with you right now?” Evan asked.

“I thought we agreed not to discuss it when we have sex with 

other people,” Jeffery said.

They had agreed to this, only Evan hadn’t been happy about 

it then and he still wasn’t happy about it now, all these years later. 

The thought of another man in bed with his husband made him 

want to throw the phone across the room. But he couldn’t com-

plain, so he said, “I can call you back later when you’re alone.”

“No,” Jeffery said. “He just went into the shower. I can talk.”

Evan rolled his eyes and took a quick breath. It was all so ca-

sual and comfortable for Jeffery. He actually felt good about what 

he would tell Jeffery next. “Kenny’s English teacher asked me out 

to dinner and I wanted to talk to you about it. This is the first time 

something like this ever came up and I’m not sure how dating fits 

in with our so-called open marriage.”

“As long as you don’t get emotionally involved, dating is fine,” 

Jeffery said. “Is this the English teacher who has an ethnic name? 

The one who looks like Sean Penn? Kenny’s mentioned him to me. 

He said he met you and was drooling over you.”

“Carson Savione.”

“That’s the name,” Jeffery said. “He seems like a nice guy. I 

met him at an open house while you were in Havilland. I had a 

feeling he was gay, but wasn’t sure. He’s not my type at all. Way 

too pushy and aggressive. But I don’t see any harm in you having 

dinner with him.”

“I’m not asking for your permission, Jeffery,” Evan said. “I’m 

asking about whether or not dating is part of an open marriage.” 

He knew sex with other men was okay; he just wasn’t sure where 

he was supposed to draw the lines.

“And I told you it was fine,” Jeffery said. “Do you want me 

to spell it out for you in a goddamn text message?” His tone grew 

stronger, the way it sounded right before he started shouting.

“There’s no need to snap at me,” Evan said. He’d learned to 

speak up fast when Jeffery took this tone. There was a reason 

they called Jeffery Charles “The Wall Street Shark” and Evan had 

learned how to snap right back at him for his own survival.

Jeffery took a deep breath and exhaled. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I 

didn’t mean to sound that way. It’s just that it’s three hours earlier 

here and I have a busy day. How did your lunch appointment go 

with Billy on Friday?”

Billy was Evan’s literary agent. He would have forgotten to 

mention this if Jeffery hadn’t asked him about it. “Okay,” he said. 

“He wants me to sign a three-book deal for a new historical series 

and I’m not sure I’m ready.”

“What did you tell him?”

“I said I’d think about it and get back next week,” Evan said. 

“The publisher wants all three books in the series written within a 

year’s time and I’m not sure I can do that.”

Jeffery laughed. “You should do it. Don’t think about it. Just 

sign the contract and start working. You know you’re always hap-

pier when you’re working.”

“How’s your business deal with this social media company do-

ing? I read about it online and it sounds both impressive and risky 

at the same time,” Evan said. If this deal went through, Jeffery 

would be the largest investor in one of the most popular forms of 

social media to ever go public with stock. At least that’s how Evan 

saw it.

“It’s interesting,” Jeffery said. “I have a feeling we’ll be chang-

ing the world if this happens.”

Evan had read there were pros and cons to this, and the more 

conservative people on Wall Street were not certain social media 

based purely on advertising revenue could hold up as a strong 

investment. Only time would tell. But Evan trusted Jeffery’s judg-

ment more than he trusted anyone else’s. He’d made billions of 

dollars taking risks that had been stronger than this. “I always 

thought you would change the world. I knew it the moment I met 

you.”

“I couldn’t have done it without you,” Jeffery said.

Before Jeffery answered, Evan heard a deep voice say, “Are 

you coming? I thought we were taking a shower together.”

It was evident the man Jeffery had slept with that night wanted 

to take a shower, and Evan didn’t want to hear the details. “I’ll let 

you go,” he said. “You sound busy.” Then he hung up before Jef-

fery could say, “I love you.”

 A minute or two after he hung up, he phoned Carson Savione 

and agreed to meet him for dinner at a place in Chelsea called 

The Park with which he was familiar. Later that day when he 

told Kenny he was going out on a date with Mr. Savione, Kenny 

shrugged and told him to have a good time. When Evan asked if he 

was certain it was okay to date his English teacher, Kenny reached 

into the refrigerator for a bottle of water and said, “It’s cool, Dad. 

Besides, he can’t compare to Dad. He’s not as smart, as rich, as 

personable or as good looking. Have fun with him.”

At the time, Evan had been shocked at his blunt assessment of 

his English teacher. “You make it sound as if I’m going out to din-

ner with the Hunchback of Notre Dame.”

Kenny smiled and said, “I being honest. He’s a nice guy, but 

he’s not Dad.”

The thing Kenny didn’t understand as a young straight man 

was that Mr. Savione had an invisible sexual quality most gay men 

would have found hard to ignore. Kenny was right about him not 

being as smart, rich, personable, or as male-model handsome as 

Jeffery. It was hard to find a man who could compete with Jeffery 

in those areas. But Kenny missed the fact that Carson Savione 

had a raw sex appeal that could usually be found in gay male porn 

stars, and this had more to do with his imperfections. His nose was 

a little too big, but by no means offensive. His ears stuck out a 

little, but not in a way where people would have made jokes about 

them. He had thin lips and a strong jaw, both of which gave him 

the rugged Sean Penn look Jeffery had mentioned on the phone. 

Though he kept his brown hair short, Evan had a feeling if he’d 

let it grow longer it would have looked messy and wavy like Sean 

Penn’s hair. But the thing about Carson Savione that Kenny had 

missed the most was something Evan would never have admitted 

aloud to his son. Evan had a feeling that Carson’s dick was one of 

his best attributes. This feeling was instinctive and Evan was rarely 

wrong when it came to these things. Although he’d never been a 

size queen, he’d never refused a man because his dick was too big 

either.

When Evan showed up at the restaurant on Tuesday night, he 

had to walk through the huge open bar that resembled an atrium 

to get to the back of the restaurant. This place was called The Park 

because it had once been an indoor parking garage. He knew a 

few people there by sight. As he walked past them with his fists 

clenched, trying hard to fight the urge to get a drink, he said hello 

and smiled as if nothing was wrong. They weren’t good friends; 

just drinking acquaintances he’d met over the years. This was one 

of those bars where gay and straight mingled together without giv-

ing it a second thought. It was also his first time in a bar since he’d 

left Havilland. He could have met Carson at a restaurant where 

alcohol wasn’t served, but Evan didn’t want to be one of those 

alcoholics who avoided other people who drink. He wanted to be 

an alcoholic who could avoid drinking altogether whether he was 

in a room full of other drinkers or a room full of nuns sipping tea 

and honey. For him, facing his fear of drinking took precedent over 

avoiding it.

He found Carson at a table for two in a dark corner in the back. 

The moment he saw Evan, he stood up and walked across the room 

to meet him. Jeffery had been right about Carson’s aggressive ten-

dency. He put his hand on Evan’s back, gave him a push forward, 

and said, “I hope you don’t mind. I already ordered drinks for us 

both.”

Evan took one look at the beautiful ice-cold martini sitting on 

the table and his chest caved in. For an instant, his mouth started 

to water and he rationalized that having one small martini couldn’t 

hurt him. Then he touched the rim of the martini glass and said, 

“I’m sorry. I’m a recovered alcoholic and I don’t drink anymore.” 

He figured honesty would work best this time. It didn’t make him 

want the drink any less, and he still had to clench his teeth to keep 

from reaching down and drinking the martini in one gulp, but at 

least he’d said it and he knew there would be no turning back.

Carson pulled out his chair and said, “I’ll tell the waiter to get 

rid of the drinks right now.”

Evan sat down and reached for a napkin. He spread the napkin 

across his lap and put his martini on the other side of the table next 

to Carson’s. “No, please don’t do that. Just because I don’t drink 

doesn’t mean you can’t. I don’t mind at all.”

Carson smiled at him, then lifted his arm and gestured to a 

waiter at the next table and said, “Please take these drinks away. 

We’ll have coffee instead.”

When he sat down, Evan said, “Thank you. You didn’t have to 

do that, but it was nice of you to do it.”

Carson stared at his lips and said, “I can live without drinking. 

I’ve never been anything more than a social drinker. I can take it or 

leave it. And I admire your honesty.”

After that, Carson seemed to take control of the entire evening. 

He ordered for them, made sure Evan’s coffee cup was always 

filled, and he even stood up and held Evan’s chair when Evan went 

to the men’s room. While they ate they talked about Kenny, then 

Evan’s new books. Evan told Carson he’d just signed a contract to 

write three historical romance novels that he’d been debating. Then 

Carson told Evan about how much he loved teaching, that he’d 

always wanted to be a teacher, and that his only hobby was boxing. 

He liked to ride horses, too. But boxing took up so much of his free 

time he found it hard to find more free time for riding.

Evan said, “I’m not all that surprised you’re into boxing.”

Carson’s head tilted back. “Why not? Most people are. Let’s 

face it, most people don’t think of gay guys and boxing at the same 

time. And I’m an English teacher.”

“Most people are idiots,” Evan said. He sounded like Jeffery. 

“They like to put gay men into little boxes, tie the boxes up with a 

pink ribbon, and keep them in there. You have that hard, wiry kind 

of body most boxers have. I don’t know anything about boxing 

myself, but from what little I’ve seen I think you actually do look 

like a boxer. ” He was picturing how he would look in a jock strap 

and those cute little white ankle socks.

Carson looked into his eyes and said, “I think that might be the 

nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time.”

Evan shrugged. “It’s the truth.”

“I have a match on Friday night,” Carson said. “It’s not profes-

sional boxing. It’s just an amateur match at a small gym I go to 

downtown. But I’d like you to come and watch.”

Evan smiled. “I’d like that. I’ve never been to a real boxing 

match. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

Carson made a fist and fake punched Evan in the arm. “I’m 

pretty good. At least I try to be, anyway.”

After dinner, Carson took care of the check and held Evan’s 

chair while he stood up. Evan had tried to take the check, but 

Carson had insisted on paying. Then Carson walked him to the 

corner and hailed a cab for him. He didn’t make one single attempt 

to take Evan back to his apartment, and he’d told Evan he lived 

in Chelsea, not far from the restaurant. He didn’t put his hands in 

any inappropriate places or touch Evan in a seductive way. When 

the cab pulled up to the curb, he opened the back door and waited 

until Evan sat down. Then he leaned forward, kissed Evan on the 

cheek, and said, “I had a nice time. I’ll call you this week and let 

you know where the boxing match is. I can’t get together with you 

again until after the match because I’ll be in training for the next 

few days. I actually shouldn’t have gone out tonight. I hope that’s 

cool.”

Evan looked up at him and smiled. “It’s fine. I had a nice time, 

too. Thanks for dinner.”

As he was about to close the back door, he stopped and leaned 

forward. He made a fist again and fake punched Evan in the chin. 

“I’ll see you on Friday.”

Chapter Eight

When Evan returned to his apartment that Tuesday night, he 

found Kenny in the living room doing math homework and watch-

ing TV at the same time.

Kenny turned the minute he walked through the door and said, 

“Sorry you had a bad time.”

Evan set his keys on the dining table and sent his son a side-

ways glance. “What are you talking about?”

“Well, it’s not even eleven o’clock and you’re home from a 

date,” he said. “I guess it was pretty boring with old Savione. He’s 

kind of like that sometimes. I swear I have to pinch myself some-

times in class when he’s reciting Shakespeare.”

Evan took off his coat and joined his son on the sofa. “Actu-

ally, I had a great time. Mr. Savione is not only interesting, he’s 

very nice and there’s a lot more to him than you know about.” He 

almost said Carson acted as the perfect gentleman, but he figured 

that might make Kenny uncomfortable.

Kenny didn’t look up from his math book. He seemed disap-

pointed to hear Evan had enjoyed himself. “What do you mean?”

“He has an interesting hobby,” Evan said. “He’s an amateur 

boxer.”

“Oh, I know about that,” Kenny said. “Everyone knows about 

that. He’s on the Internet.”

Later that night, after Kenny had gone to bed, Evan Googled 

“Amateur Boxing Carson Savione” on his laptop and he found a 

few photos of Carson. He’d been modest during dinner. Evan dis-

covered he was fairly well known in amateur boxing circles and he 

belonged to some kind of national boxing association that sounded 

important. But Evan wasn’t interested in those details, at least 

not at first. He found it more interesting to focus on the photos of 

Carson wearing boxing gear. One photo in particular, with Carson 

standing slightly hunched and braced for battle with boxing gloves, 

showed him wearing adorable white boxing shorts and no shirt. It 

looked as if the photo had been taken while he’d been jumping up 

and down. His hair and chest were wet with perspiration, he was 

wearing a mouth guard, and there was a bruise on his left cheek. It 

was one of the sexiest photos Evan had ever seen.

But when Cadin stopped by on Wednesday afternoon and Evan 

told him about Carson’s amateur boxing hobby, he threw his hands 

in the air and screamed. “I can’t believe how you always seem to 

attract them. It’s like you’re wearing an invisible sign on your back 

or something.”

Evan felt a sting in his gut. “What are you talking about?” He 

didn’t see anything wrong with Carson’s hobby. “What do you 

mean ‘them’?”

“I thought you’d finally met a nice, calm stable guy,” Ca-

din said. He shook his head and frowned. “I thought a nice quiet 

English teacher at a private school would be perfect for you. I’m 

picturing a professor in a tweed jacket with half glasses on the end 

of his nose and it turns out he’s a goddamn pugilist and he beats 

people up for sport. Seriously, Evan. Think about it. You have a 

tendency to go for the aggressive types who always leaves you 

fucked up in the end. Jeffery’s not a boxer, but he’s just as aggres-

sive and just as vicious as a boxer. Only he wears a three-thousand-

dollar suit while he’d going for the throat. I think that if there were 

one hundred men in one room and ninety-nine of them were calm, 

even, and stable and just one was a rough prison type, you’d find 

the rough prison type without even looking at the other guys.”

Although he knew his best friend had a point, Evan defended 

Carson. “He is a nice, stable guy. He just happens to like boxing 

as a sport. There’s nothing wrong with that.” It was hard to argue 

this point, though. One reason why Evan had never had a problem 

living in a rough neighborhood was because the thug types never 

bothered him. They flirted with him, called him baby when he 

walked past them, and often followed him down the street, trying 

to get his attention. And they didn’t do it in a dangerous way. Evan 

knew they wouldn’t hurt him. They really were attracted to him, 

especially young men of African descent. Evan couldn’t help it if 

calm, stable men weren’t attracted to him. He couldn’t help it if he 

wasn’t attracted to them either.

“I hope you’re careful this time,” Cadin said. “I don’t like the 

sound of this. I think you should play it really cool with this guy. 

It sounds like you’re thinking about him the same way you think 

about Jeffery and you know that’s never been realistic. The last 

thing you need now is to get involved with another rough aggres-

sive type who wants to control your life.”

Evan laughed this time. “First, no one alive is more control-

ling than Jeffery, so I already know about that. It’s been my life. 

Second, you shouldn’t judge people before you meet them. Carson 

Savione really is just a nice quiet schoolteacher.” He didn’t men-

tion the fact that he’d been picturing Carson in nothing but a jock 

strap since he’d left the restaurant.

On Thursday morning, Evan started his new book and wound 

up writing more than four thousand words in less than five hours. 

Where the words came from he didn’t know. It was the first time 

he’d sat down in front of his computer to write anything in months. 

And it was also the first time he’d done this without a bottle of 

vodka by his side. When Kenny came home from football practice 

at six, they went out to a quiet little burger place in the East Village 

to celebrate.

While they were eating, Jeffery called from the West Coast. “I 

just wanted to let you know I’m flying in tomorrow afternoon. I’ll 

let you know when the plane lands.”

He’d called Evan’s cell phone. They hadn’t spoken in two 

days, which was unusual for them. Evan had been busy with his 

new book and he figured Jeffery had been busy working on this 

huge business deal with the so-called social media giant. “Okay. 

That sounds good. Say hello to your son. We’re having dinner in a 

restaurant right now and he’s sitting across the table from me.”

Evan handed the phone to Kenny and he heard his son say, 

“Hey, Dad.” Then it seemed as if Kenny sat there listening and 

nodding, occasionally offerering a yes or a no to questions Jeffery 

was asking him that he didn’t want Evan to hear.

When Kenny said goodbye and handed the phone back to 

Evan, he smiled and said, “Have a safe flight, and call me when 

you land.”

Jeffery said, “I will. I love you.”

Evan glanced at his son and said, “I love you, too. Call me.”

When he hung up, he glanced cross the table and asked, “What 

was he asking you?”

Kenny stared down at his plate and shrugged. “Nothing impor-

tant.”

“He wanted to know if I was drinking again,” Evan said.

Kenny shrugged again. It was obvious he wanted to avoid this 

conversation. “He asked. I said no.”

There were times Evan thought it would be easier to get infor-

mation out of a CIA agent than from a teenage boy. “I don’t mind. 

I wish you would talk about it openly in front of me. I can handle it 

and I don’t want you all thinking I’m going to fall apart just be-

cause you’re being honest.”

“What do you want from me?” Kenny asked. “Maybe I should 

ask you, ‘Hey there, you drunk, had any shots today?’ when I come 

home from school every day.”

Evan laughed. He didn’t take offense to this. “Okay. I’m sorry. 

I guess I forget it’s not easy for you either. I’ll try to remember 

that. But please don’t feel as if you have to walk around on your 

tiptoes with me. I’m really doing okay now. I’ve started working 

again, I’m thrilled to have my kid living with me full time, and I’m 

really looking forward to the boxing match tomorrow night. I’ve 

never been to one before.”

When he mentioned the boxing match, Kenny rolled his eyes.

“Did your dad ask about Mr. Savione?” Evan asked. He found 

it interesting that Jeffery hadn’t called to see how his date with 

Carson had gone. He knew Jeffery hadn’t forgotten. The man could 

listen to ten different conversations at one time and repeat each one 

verbatim an hour later.

“Yes, he asked,” Kenny said.

“Well, what did he say?”

“He asked if you were seeing him again and I said you were,” 

Kenny said. “That was it. You were sitting right here.”

He could see his son was getting frustrated. He knew he had 

to lighten the mood so he smiled and said, “I think I might take up 

boxing as a hobby, too. Carson said I could join his gym and work 

out like boxers train.”

Kenny dropped his fork and started laughing so hard he almost 

choked on a French fry. Although Evan wasn’t effeminate, he’d 

always been gentle and quiet and passive. Anyone who knew him 

well knew he avoided confrontation at all cost. The thought of him 

putting on boxing gloves and beating up another guy must have 

sounded ludicrous to his son. Evan wouldn’t even kill a bug, let 

alone hit another human being. Kenny held one hand to his stom-

ach and pointed at Evan with the other. He laughed so hard he had 

trouble speaking. “I want ringside seats to that one.”

* * * *On Friday night, Kenny went to the movies with a few 

friends. He was sleeping over a friend’s house that night and he 

promised Evan he’d call him a few times to let him know where 

he was. Evan had learned through experience this meant he would 

call him once, not a few times. But at least he had a teenager who 

phoned to check in. He knew some parents who didn’t.

Evan had asked Kenny to come downtown with him to watch 

Carson’s boxing match, but Kenny had rolled his eyes and said, “I 

think I’d rather eat a bowl of worms and diced scrotum than watch 

my English teacher, who happens to be dating my dad, box while 

my dad cheers him on.”

Evan had said, “It’s not like I’m bringing pompons along. I’m 

just going to watch an amateur boxing match. Stop being so dra-

matic.”

“What do you know about boxing?” Kenny had asked.

As Evan stood there in silence, trying to come up with a reply, 

he shrugged and said, “I can learn, can’t I?”

 Kenny kissed him on the cheek and said, “I’ll call you when 

I’m at Zack’s house so you know I’m in for the night. If you need 

me, I’ll have the phone on all the time.”

“I’ll be fine,” Evan said. He wished his friends and family 

would stop treating him as if he needed to be watched round the 

clock. “I’m not going to drink.”

An hour after that, Evan’s cab pulled up to a small gym on 

Delancey Street and dropped Evan off. It was a neighborhood with 

which he wasn’t familiar. When Evan climbed out of the backseat 

and glanced up, he saw two men walking down the street, pushing 

a child in a wheelchair. He knew they were gay; he could tell by 

looking at them. He felt more comfortable seeing two gay men for 

reasons he couldn’t explain. He heard one of them call the other 

one Jonah and say, “I think we should spend the night here instead 

of driving all the way back to D.C. tonight. I’ll call Bobby’s mom 

when we get home.” The one named Jonah nodded in agreement 

and said, “I’m fine with that,” and he looked down at the kid in the 

wheelchair and said, “We’ll watch that movie you like so much, 

Bobby.” When he lifted his head, he glanced at Evan in passing 

and smiled as if he’d just read Evan’s mind.

The gym on Delancey Street looked more like an old storefront 

huddled between a barbershop and a bakery. There was a group of 

young guys gathered near the front door, smoking cigarettes and 

bouncing a basketball. Evan was glad he’d dressed casually that 

night. In his blue hoodie, jeans, and black work boots he could 

have joined the young guys and fit in perfectly.

When he entered the gym, he felt like turning around and going 

back home. There didn’t seem to be any gay people in there. He 

wondered if maybe his son and his best friend had been right about 

him dating a boxer. It all started to seem so bizarre to him. The 

only thing he knew about boxing was that guys put on cute outfits 

and punched each other around. They got all sweaty and people 

poured bottles of water over their heads to cool them down. The 

only boxing movie he’d ever seen had been Rocky, and he’d fallen 

asleep halfway through it. He figured this was a mistake. He could 

turn around and leave and he could call Carson and tell him some-

thing came up and he couldn’t make it. They didn’t know each 

other that well and neither of them was obligated to each other in 

any way.

But as he turned to leave, a large stocky man with silver hair 

grabbed his arm and said, “Are you Evan Littlefield?” He could 

have been in his early sixties.

Evan’s eyes opened wider. “Yes.”

The older man gestured to the back of the gym and said, “The 

Dog told me to bring you back to the locker room when you ar-

rived.” He was missing a front tooth and he spoke with a thick 

Brooklyn accent. “I’m his trainer.”

“The Dog?”

“Yeah, Savione,” the guy said. “He told me to bring you back 

to the locker room.”

The next thing Evan knew, he was following the overweight 

man through a long narrow gym where a makeshift boxing ring 

had been set up surrounded by rows of folding chairs. There were 

a few guys lifting weights in one corner, and a few people had 

already taken seats around the ring. Though the cinderblock walls 

and the concrete floor had been painted gray, and there didn’t seem 

to be any windows in sight, Evan noticed the harsh overhead fluo-

rescent lights made the place brighter than he’d expected it to be.

While the man led him past two burly guys with thick stubble 

and hairy legs, Evan tripped over a brick that was holding the 

locker room door open and one of the guys caught him before he 

fell flat on his face. The guy grabbed him by the waist and said, 

“Are you okay?”

Evan glanced up and took a quick breath. He had one hand on 

the guy’s chest and the other on his shoulder. “I’m okay. Thanks.” 

But he felt his face getting hot and he wanted to turn around and 

run back out to the street.

But the older man led him through the main locker room, 

where a few guys were walking to and from the showers. One 

good-looking guy with dark hair and a goatee wore nothing but 

a towel so low on his waist Evan saw his pubic hair. Two other 

guys stood near a broken wooden bench wearing nothing but jock 

straps and talked about bench pressing. Evan shoved his hands 

into his pockets and stared down at the floor when a naked young 

guy holding a towel and a plastic soap container loped toward the 

showers in his bare feet. His thick flaccid dick bounced around in 

such an obvious way Evan was terrified to look at anything but the 

floor.

This boxing gym wasn’t anything like the high-end commercial 

gym he went to when he lifted weights, where there were expen-

sive slate floors, luxurious steam rooms, potted palm trees, and 

fresh clean white towels stacked on shiny stainless steel shelves. 

Evan didn’t see a juice bar or a spin class room. No one got pam-

pered here. This gym with concrete floors and cinderblock walls 

brought him back to his high school days, where he’d been afraid 

to take off his pants for fear he’d get an erection surrounded by all 

those other naked guys.

The smell of jock sweat, rubber, and damp towels also brought 

back all his old insecurities about being around so many wet, na-

ked men. There was nothing sexual about it, not in the least. It was 

pure fear of being exposed—or rather, the association of what he’d 

experienced in high school during gym class. Even though he’d 

been out of the closet for years, he felt a pull in his stomach at the 

sound of deep hollow male voices talking about guy stuff min-

gling with the harsh sound of running water from the showers. The 

steam alone made him want to gag.

He found Carson at the back of the gym in a small room with 

a few lockers, a sink, and a high metal table that reminded Evan 

of an examination table in a doctor’s office. Carson was sitting 

on the table and two other guys were getting him ready for the 

match. He was wearing loose white boxing shorts with navy blue 

sports stripes down the sides, a sexy pair of red athletic shoes that 

came up to his ankles, and some type of thick blue wrist bands. 

He looked nothing like the conservative teacher Evan had met at 

Kenny’s school. He looked nothing like the nice quiet guy he’d had 

dinner with in Chelsea. In this boxing gear, he looked like all the 

other guys walking around in that gym and no one would ever have 

guessed he was gay.

When Carson saw him enter, he smiled and made a fist. “Hey, 

you’re really here.”

The heavyset man with silver hair left the room and the other 

two continued to help Carson put on his red boxing gloves.

Evan smiled and said, “I told you’d I’d be here. Why wouldn’t 

I come?”

Carson shrugged and laughed. “I had this deep down feeling 

you might not be interested in boxing and that you were being 

polite when I invited you.”

Evan smiled again. “I don’t know shit about boxing, but that 

doesn’t mean I can’t learn. Besides, I’m curious.” He chose his 

words with care, because he wasn’t sure if the other two guys knew 

Carson was gay. This came naturally, as it comes so naturally to all 

gay men when they are placed in situations with straight men.

When Carson’s gloves were on and he was ready to step into 

the ring, he asked the other guys to leave so he could have a mo-

ment alone with Evan. His exact words were, “I need to talk to my 

buddy for a minute,” which meant he didn’t want them to know he 

was dating Evan—or he didn’t feel the need to admit it.

Evan had been sitting on a small chair in the corner of the room 

watching them prep him for the fight. Although he didn’t have a 

clue as to what they were doing or what was happening, he smiled 

and pretended he’d been watching men get ready to fight all his 

life.

The moment they were alone Carson hopped off the metal table 

and said, “Can I give you a hug for good luck?”

“Is it safe?”

“Most of the guys know I’m gay,” Carson said. “And I don’t 

give a damn anyway at this point in my life.”

Evan stood up and crossed to where he was standing. He 

glanced over his shoulder to make sure no one was watching. Then 

he put his arms around Carson’s shoulders, kissed him on the lips, 

and said, “This is more exciting than I thought it would be. I’m 

glad I came.” Carson had put his arms around Evan and he could 

feel the red boxing gloves pressed against his back.

“I’m glad you came,” Carson said. “I reserved a ringside seat 

for you.”

Evan almost laughed. He never would have guessed anyone 

would have reserved a ringside seat for him in a place like this. 

But he knew they couldn’t remain this way for a long time, so he 

stepped back and said, “I’ve always been curious about one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“What do you guys wear under your shorts?”

Carson sent him a seductive smile. “Why don’t you see for 

yourself?” He moved his hips forward and said, “Take a look.”

Evan hesitated for a second, then reached out and pulled the 

waistband on Carson’s boxing shorts. When he glanced down into 

Carson’s shorts, he saw something that looked like a black jock 

strap, but it was thicker and padded. “I’ve never seen one of those 

before.” He reached into his shorts and grabbed it to see if it felt as 

soft as it looked.

“It’s a groin protector,” Carson said.

Evan gently released Carson’s waistband and patted his crotch. 

“I’m glad you’re wearing it, because I wouldn’t want anything bad 

to happen to such a nice groin.”

 After that, Carson asked his trainer to take Evan out to his seat 

where he could wait for the match to begin. The room had filled 

up by then and he found himself in a crowd of people murmuring 

their expectations. Some were cheering for “The Dog,” which was 

Carson. Others were cheering for someone they referred to as “Ice 

Man.” Though Evan had no idea what any of them were talking 

about, he picked up a few things that were helpful. He learned the 

man they called the referee seemed to be the judge and he decided 

what worked and what didn’t while The Dog and Ice Man were 

fighting. And they fought in rounds, which he figured were inter-

vals between fighting sessions. In his mind, with his limited knowl-

edge of boxing, it all seemed so uncomplicated he sat back, crossed 

his legs, and waited for the fight to begin. He wished he’d thought 

ahead to bring a snack. He hadn’t eaten anything all day.

But when the match started and he saw how hard Carson had 

to fight to compete against the guy they called Ice Man, he started 

shouting and screaming along with everyone else. This Ice guy was 

huge and mean-looking, with a big round bald head, massive feet 

stuffed into blue ankle high athletic shoes, and a long hook nose. 

His eyebrows pointed down in a natural way that made Evan won-

der if they ever went up, and his small beady eyes were set closely 

together. Every time he threw a punch at Carson, Evan’s heart 

stopped beating and he felt a pull between his legs.

By the twelfth round, Carson’s lip was bleeding, his body 

drenched in sweat, and he wasn’t hopping around with the same 

energy with which he’d started the match. He was swaggering now, 

as if forcing himself to remain on his feet. In the same respect, Car-

son had thrown a few good punches of his own and the big ugly 

Ice Man wasn’t bouncing around as much anymore either. At that 

point, Evan just wanted it to be over. He didn’t care who won. He 

felt like running up to the ring, jumping over the ropes, and kicking 

the Ice Man in the nuts.

He almost got into a fistfight himself during the last round. 

Carson made a move and the referee made each fighter go back to 

his corner for a moment. Evan had no idea what had happened or 

why the referee had done this. But he overheard the woman next to 

him turn to the man next to her say, “That fucking Dog is a fucking 

waste. Ice Man’s gonna kill him.” She dropped her g’s. She was a 

big one, too, with bleached frizzy mullet and a hot pink sweatsuit. 

She also looked as if she’d seen the inside of one too many tanning 

beds.

Evan gave her a good shove with his elbow that almost 

knocked her off her army boots.

She grabbed him by the collar and said, “What the fuck?”

He pushed her back and said, “It was an accident. Calm down, 

asshole.”

“Who you callin’ asshole, asshole?” she shouted.

 He wanted to grab her by the back of the head and drag her 

into the ring, but Carson and the Ice Man started fighting again and 

Evan and the woman both forgot why they were arguing. This time 

it didn’t last long. When Carson started to sway back and forth, 

Evan had a bad feeling. The Ice Man had thrown the last punch and 

it seemed to have knocked poor Carson senseless. The woman next 

to Evan screamed, “Kill’em, Ice man,” and Evan flung her a look. 

Then the Ice man lifted his arm again and tried to swing. But at the 

final moment, when no one expected it, Carson dodged the punch, 

turned around, and threw his own punch. He hit the Ice Man square 

on the jaw and knocked him down for the count.

When the fight was over and Carson was declared the winner, 

Carson’s trainer came over to Evan and said, “He told me to tell 

you to wait out here for him. He said he wouldn’t be long.”

Evan had been biting the inside of his mouth the entire time. 

He wanted to see how Carson was after such a brutal match. But he 

didn’t want to overstep. He nodded and said, “Tell him I’ll be out 

front waiting near the door.”

An hour later, Evan glanced up from a game he’d been play-

ing on his phone and he saw Carson coming toward him. Evan 

had been in the front room of the gym, in a section that looked like 

a waiting area with a couple of folding chairs, a metal desk, and 

more grey cinderblock walls. Carson was alone, carrying a gym 

bag, and his face was swollen. They’d put a small Band-Aid at the 

corner of his lip and he wasn’t bleeding anymore. Evan stood up 

and met him halfway.

“Are you okay?” Evan asked. He actually looked better than 

Evan had thought he would look after that brutal display. If Evan 

had been up there in the ring with that Ice Man, he would have 

been in the emergency room now begging for pain killers.

Carson tried to smile, but he couldn’t because of the Band-Aid. 

“I’m good. Thanks for waiting so long. They had to patch a few 

things up back there.” He laughed and made a joke out of it.

At a closer glance, Evan could see his swollen eye. “You poor 

thing.”

“I won,” Carson said. He didn’t seem concerned about his eye.

“I know, but look at you.”

Carson waved him off. “This is nothing. I’ve been in worse 

shape. I actually feel good. Let’s go out and do something. You 

probably didn’t eat yet.”

Evan took his arm and said, “Oh no. I’m taking you back home 

right now. You need to soak in a hot tub and put some ice on that 

eye to get the swelling down.” He thought it was nice that Carson 

wanted to go out, but there was no way he’d take him out in that 

condition. The man needed rest.

As Evan led him out the front door, Carson didn’t object and 

he didn’t pursue going out. This time Carson let Evan escort him 

to the corner, hail a cab, and help him into the backseat. When 

the driver pulled away from the curb, Evan’s phone rang. It was 

Kenny. He’d called to tell him he was at Zack’s house for the night 

and he would be home around noon the next day. When he asked 

how Evan’s evening at the fights had been, Evan smiled and said, 

“It was amazing. He won. You should have seen the big guy he 

beat up, too. I’ve never seen anything like it before.”

Kenny didn’t sound all that impressed; he didn’t ask Evan 

where he was, either. He hesitated for a moment, sighed aloud, and 

said, “I’ll see you in the morning, Dad. Love you.”

Chapter Eight

When the taxi dropped them off in front of Carson’s loft in 

Chelsea, Carson climbed out of the backseat and pretended he 

was fine. But Evan had learned to watch expressions closely. As a 

writer, he kept notes on various expressions so he could use them 

in his historical novels. One thing about fiction he’d learned was 

that when people were in pain, they’d made the same expressions 

in 1815 as they made in 2012. And that night Carson’s face had a 

pinched, twisted look, as if each step he took toward his building 

caused him pain. When he tried to smile, he squinted and clenched 

his fists so hard his knuckles turned white.

Evan knew Carson was trying to be brave, and he didn’t want 

to diminish his ego. So he quietly played along with Carson and 

offered small suggestions without letting Carson know he knew he 

was in pain. He held the elevator open for him, but he didn’t help 

him get inside. On the way up, Evan mentioned again how thrilled 

he’d been to see Carson win the fight. When they reached the door 

to Carson’s loft and Evan saw he was having trouble lifting his 

arm to get his hand into his pocket for the keys, Evan sent him a 

seductive smile and he put his hand in Carson’s pocket before he 

had a chance to object. In other words, he made it appear he was 

flirting instead of helping. He did this on purpose because he’d had 

years of experience dealing with men who had inflated egos and 

too much pride. Whether or not Carson knew he was doing this he 

would never know. But he suspected Carson didn’t have a clue. 

Men with huge egos usually didn’t.

The loft was one vast open-concept space with exposed brick 

walls and a modern kitchen that had glass cabinets, concrete coun-

ters, and one of those huge complicated faucets that had always re-

minded Evan of an instrument in a doctor’s office. The floors were 

stained concrete and all the pipes, wires, and duct work had been 

left exposed. Evan preferred less open-concept and more private, 

individual rooms. He didn’t mind seeing the kitchen during a din-

ner party but he didn’t like sleeping in a bedroom that overlooked 

the living room.

Carson gestured to the living room area and told Evan to have 

a seat on one of his brown leather sofas. “Can I get you coffee? We 

can order out, too. I’m not much of a cook.”

Evan walked over to him and reached for his arm. He rubbed it 

gently and said, “I have a better idea. We can eat later. I don’t like 

to cook either.” Then he took Carson by the hand and led him to 

the other end of the loft where he found a large bathroom that had 

been sectioned off with partial sliding walls made of rice paper and 

wood.

“What are you up to?” Carson asked.

Evan glanced to his left and saw a large sunken bathtub that 

had been tiled in white marble. “You’re going to take a nice hot 

bath and relax. After what you’ve been through tonight, you need 

to be pampered a little.” This was one of Evan’s nicest, yet worst, 

faults. He actually liked to pamper the men in his life and he didn’t 

even know why. He’d never been subservient in other areas of his 

life, just with the men he cared about. It was one of the reasons 

he’d always let Jeffery get away with so much. Unfortunately, the 

men in his life had always taken advantage of this.

“Normally I would argue with you,” Carson said. “I hate baths. 

I prefer showers. I haven’t used that tub in a year. But to be honest, 

I am a little sore.”

Evan smiled and crossed to the tub without replying. There 

was a large shower on the other side of the bathroom with more 

white marble that could have accommodated five people with room 

to spare. But he thought a bath would be nicer. He’d never met a 

man yet who didn’t like to be pampered and bathed, with gentle 

strokes and soothing rubs. The bigger the ego, the more babying 

they liked. He also knew Carson was more than a little sore, but he 

didn’t want Carson to know he knew this. While the tub filled with 

hot water, Evan turned down the lights, lit a few candles Carson 

had placed around the perimeter of the tub, and gathered a couple 

of clean towels from a stainless steel shelf. He poured a generous 

amount of body wash into the tub so there would be bubbles.

While Evan had been drawing his bath, Carson had gone into 

the bedroom to remove his clothes. When he returned wearing 

nothing but white boxer briefs, he sent Evan a glance and asked, 

“Aren’t you going to join me?”

Evan hadn’t removed his clothes. He was kneeling beside the 

tub, checking the water to make sure it wasn’t too hot. He looked 

up and smiled. “No, I’m not joining you. This is for you to re-

lax, not to get worked up all over again.” He noticed the bulge in 

Carson’s briefs. It rounded out in such an obvious way he couldn’t 

help but notice it. He also noticed Carson’s lean wiry body again. 

He had some hair on his legs, but not much. His muscles stretched 

more than they bulged. Even though his knees leaned toward be-

ing knobby and his legs slightly bowed, every inch of him was 

masculine in an athletic way Evan had always found hard to resist 

in a man. Without shoes, his feet even seemed a little too big for 

his body. None of this bothered Evan. The only physical traits in 

men that had ever turned Evan off were soft white-pink skin, weak 

features, tiny hands, and small feet.

 Carson frowned and said, “I think it would be nicer if you took 

off your clothes, too.”

Evan stood up and laughed. He’d already planned to take off 

all his clothes and get into the tub with him. But not this soon. He 

walked up to him and reached for the waistband of his briefs and 

said, “I told you. This is just for you, not me.” Then he gently low-

ered Carson’s briefs, went down on his knees, and helped Carson 

step out of them.

Before Evan stood up, he took a quick glance between Car-

son’s legs and held his breath for a moment. His dick hung semi-

erect and seemed to be growing slowly without a hint of encour-

agement. Oh, those poor sexless spinster types who ran from big 

dick and weeping cock would have been clutching their proverbial 

pearls and swooning in agony. The psychologically damaged 

types who liked to objectify gay men, turning them into effemi-

nate quasi-women by making them dickless creatures of the worst 

kind, would have been thoroughly repulsed. It was thick at the base 

and narrowed slightly toward the head: the kind of dick Evan had 

always liked most—the kind of dick no gay man alive would ever 

reject. It wasn’t quite as big as Jeffery’s, but it wasn’t what anyone 

would ever consider small. He wanted to reach for it; he wanted to 

worship it. He didn’t want to just suck it; he wanted to swing from 

it. But it was still too soon.

When he stood up, Carson put his arms around him and kissed 

him. Carson ran his hands up and down his back and rested them 

on his ass. “Come on. Let’s get into the tub together.”

Evan stepped back and reached for his hand. He led him to 

the tub and said, “I really want to do this. It’s not every day a guy 

gets to bathe a hot amateur boxer, especially one he just saw win a 

fight. Indulge me in a small fantasy this once.”

So Carson climbed into the tub and sank down in the hot water 

with a sigh. “Oh, this really does feel good.” He rested his head 

back against the rounded edge and closed his eyes. “I guess I am a 

little more bruised than I realized.”

Evan reached for a wash cloth and kneeled down next to the 

tub. “You poor thing,” he said. “Just close your eyes and I’ll make 

you feel better.”

Evan spent a long time gently wiping the bruises on Carson’s 

face. In this light, he reminded him even more of a young Sean 

Penn. Carson’s eyes remained closed the entire time. The only 

sounds he made were sighs of relief each time Evan touched his 

skin with his bare hands.

When Evan finished with his face and neck, he slowly rubbed 

his chest and his arms with the cloth. He took a long time washing 

under Carson’s arms, and even longer massaging his fingers. When 

he rubbed his stomach, he set the washcloth aside and only used 

his fingers. Carson’s eyes remained closed, but his lips had parted 

by then.

After Evan finished massaging Carson’s stomach, he skipped 

over his groin area and moved right down to his legs and feet. Car-

son seemed to enjoy having his feet massaged the most. He even 

moaned softly when Evan held his foot in his hands and rubbed his 

toes. He lingered there for the longest time, taking equal turns on 

each foot.

Then his hands moved slowly up Carson’s legs, massaging 

each muscle one last time before he reached Carson’s most sensi-

tive spot, the spot he couldn’t wait to begin rubbing. When he fi-

nally did reach Carson’s groin, he gently held his balls in one hand 

and his dick in the other. Carson had been fully erect since he’d 

entered the tub. Evan knew by the way Carson had reacted to his 

light strokes everywhere else that he would respond better to light 

strokes between his legs.

“How is that?” Carson said in a soft whisper. He was squeezing 

and stroking him with both hands.

“Awesome,” Carson said. “And if you knew me, you’d know 

I hate that word. I’m an English teacher. I can’t believe I used that 

word right now. But that’s the best way to describe it.”

Evan ran his thumb across his shaft slowly and said, “I think I 

might join you after all.”

Carson opened his eyes and smiled. “There are condoms in the 

drawer under the sink.”

Evan laughed. “Aren’t you being presumptuous now?”

Carson sent him a look. “I’m being honest.”

Evan squeezed him one last time, and then he dried his hands 

on the towel and stood up. He knew Carson was watching him. He 

walked slowly on purpose. He opened the drawer and saw con-

doms and a tube of lubricant. He hesitated for a moment before he 

reached into the drawer. This was different from other times. Car-

son wasn’t just another trick. He was a man Evan could get serious 

about and he knew this. He really liked him. He didn’t love him 

the way he loved Jeffery. But he liked him and didn’t feel awkward 

about it.

Even if he’d had reservations about sleeping with Carson, 

he’d already gone too far and he couldn’t stop now. He wanted 

to do this, partly because it wasn’t just anonymous sex like he’d 

had with the delivery guy and partly because he hadn’t been this 

attracted to another man since he’d met Jeffery. He’d always been 

sexually attracted to men like the delivery man, but there hadn’t 

been any emotion. With Carson he started to feel there might be 

hope for having an emotional, monogamous relationship after all.

So he reached into the drawer for the condoms and lube and 

set them on the counter. While Carson watched, he removed his 

clothes slowly and left them on the floor. He’d always been proud 

of his body and he knew men liked to watch him undress as much 

as he enjoyed being watched. Though he didn’t have the lean wiry 

body of a boxer, he did have smooth soft legs he shaved regularly, 

a naturally hairless chest he’d built up by going to the gym a few 

times a week, and a plush round ass that he made sure remained 

firm by running four times a week. Although he’d lost a lot of 

weight at Havilland, the one place where he hadn’t lost weight was 

in his ass.

Before he joined Carson in the tub, he opened the tube of 

lubricant and turned around to face the mirror. He knew he would 

be getting fucked that night and he wanted to lube himself up for 

Carson before he got into the tub. So he lifted one leg up and rested 

it on the counter, with his legs spread and his ass facing Carson. 

Then he greased his fingers with lube and slowly reached around. 

While Carson watched, he arched his back and inserted two fingers 

into his ass with generous amounts of lube. By the time he was 

finished, he glanced over his shoulder and found Carson leaning 

forward, with one hand holding the side of the tub and the other 

stroking his dick in the water.

A minute later, Carson took his hand and he helped him into 

the tub. As the candle flames flickered, he straddled Carson’s waist 

and reached around to cover him with the condom. Then he spread 

his legs wider and leaned forward to hold Carson’s shoulders. 

Carson took his own dick and guided it as Evan slowly sat down 

on it. He felt some pain at first; he closed his eyes and squeezed 

Carson’s shoulders harder, waiting for it to pass. But the deeper 

Carson went, the less he needed to hold onto Carson. By the time 

it was all the way inside, Evan released Carson’s shoulders and sat 

up straight. He arched his back and ran his hands up and down his 

own torso, grinding his hips in slow circles. For a moment, he lost 

himself so completely in this position that he jerked a little when 

Carson grabbed him by the back of the neck and pulled him for-

ward.

They started to kiss and he put his arms around Carson’s shoul-

ders as Carson held his waist. While he slowly rode Carson’s dick, 

their mouths locked and bath water splashed over the side of the 

tub. At one point, as Carson bucked his hips, Evan licked Carson’s 

ear and asked, “Are you more relaxed now?”

Carson rubbed his ass and said, “I’m in heaven.”

Evan laughed and said, “It really is amazing. I’m glad you 

wore that groin protector tonight when you went into the ring, 

because I’d hate to see anything happen down there. That would be 

a shame.”

Carson laughed. “You’re fascinated with my groin protector, 

aren’t you?”

Evan shrugged. “I’ve never seen one before. I think it’s sexy.”

Carson grabbed him by the back of the head and pulled his hair 

in a playful way. “I’ll rub your face in it later tonight.”

When they tried to change positions, the water started splash-

ing too much so Carson opened the drain and forced Evan over the 

side of the tub. The water had become cold anyway, and Carson 

seemed ready for another round, so to speak. Carson wound up 

fucking him over the side of the tub, then on the floor next to the 

tub, and finally over the toilet bowl.

It didn’t end in the bathroom. Evan submitted and Carson took 

complete control. He fucked him in the living area on a brown 

leather sofa, then on top of the concrete center island in the kitch-

en. They wound up outside on Carson’s terrace overlooking Ninth 

Avenue with Evan’s head hanging over the railing while Carson 

fucked him from behind. Although the slaps against Evan’s ass 

were loud enough to be heard on the other terraces that surrounded 

them, Carson didn’t seem to care one way or the other. He seemed 

to have reached that point where there was no turning back and 

Evan didn’t want to stop him.

They both came together, without screams or moans or grunts. 

Carson went in as deep as he could, he remained dead still, and 

Evan rubbed his own dick a few times. Even though it was quiet, 

it was such an intense orgasm for them both they remained locked 

together this way for a minute or two longer than most people 

would have. A horn honked on the street below them and Carson 

leaned forward to kiss Evan’s back. Then he asked, “Are you cold 

out here?”

Evan sent him a backward glance and said, “I’m okay, but 

thanks for asking. I think that’s nice.” It was the first time he’d 

been with a man who seemed to care about his well being. Jeffery 

wouldn’t have asked if he was cold; the humpy delivery man with 

the big dick would have cared even less. They would have fucked 

him, pulled out, and left him there standing in the cold.

Carson bent down and wrapped his arms around Evan’s body. 

“I hate to let go. Can you spend the night here?”

It would have been nice to spend the night. But Evan said, “I 

have to get home. Kenny’s spending the night with a friend from 

school, but I don’t want him to walk in tomorrow and find the 

apartment empty.”

“You can leave early in the morning.”

“I can’t take that chance,” Evan said. “If he came home early 

and I wasn’t there, he’d know I spent the night with you. He’s hav-

ing a little trouble with me dating his teacher. I don’t want to make 

it worse.”

“He thinks I’m boning you?”

Evan laughed. He knew Carson was joking around. “Not yet, 

and I don’t want him to think I’m getting boned by his teacher…

or anyone.” Evan had always walked a straight line in this respect. 

Having a straight teenage son had its advantages, but he didn’t 

want his son to think he liked dick too much.

“But I am boning you,” Carson said. He pushed harder and his 

dick went deeper. “Can’t you feel it?” He slapped him and laughed.

Evan shrugged. “Oh, I can feel it. But I really do have to go 

home and you have to pull that bone out right now. I’m not sure 

I’m ready to spend the night with anyone. You know I’m married.”

“But you have an open relationship,” Carson said.

“As far as sex goes,” Evan said. “When it comes to getting 

emotionally involved with another man, that’s completely differ-

ent.”

“Who said we’re getting emotionally involved?” Carson asked. 

“Now you’re being presumptuous. For all you know this could just 

be good old-fashioned boning.”

“I’m sorry, you’re right,” he said. “It’s just this is the first time 

I’ve ever dated anyone in this so-called open marriage thing Jef-

fery wanted.”

Either Carson didn’t want to know more about Evan’s rela-

tionship with Jeffery, or he didn’t care. He pulled out slowly and 

rubbed Evan’s ass. “Let’s shower, get dressed, and get something 

to eat. I’m starved and I know you haven’t eaten. Then I’ll take 

you home.”

Evan stood up and kissed Carson on the lips. “You don’t have 

to do that. I can get around in this city blindfolded. Trust me, when 

I was drinking I did get around blindfolded half the time.”

“I want to do it,” Carson said. “I had a good time tonight. And 

there’s nothing emotional about that. It’s just the right thing for a 

guy to do for someone he just boned.”

Evan laughed louder that time. “Since you put it that way, I 

guess it’s okay.”

Though Evan felt awkward about Carson taking him home, he 

didn’t argue the point. He let Carson take him by the hand and lead 

him back to the bathroom. It was nice for a change to be treated 

with that rare kind of concern. For Evan it was a novelty and he 

couldn’t help but wonder what his doctor at Havilland would have 

thought if he could see him now. Jeffery had always been there to 

offer him anything he wanted in a material sense, but he’d never 

been there to offer his time. And that had always been the one of 

the things that Evan had needed the most.

Chapter Nine

Evan woke up early on Saturday morning and he took a long 

hot bath. He’d planned to go out for a three-mile run in the East 

Village. The blue sky and slightly warmer weather would have 

made it a perfect morning for running. But his legs were so sore 

from having sex with Carson the night before he decided to give 

his body a rest. After all, it wasn’t every day he suffered from sex 

injuries. Of course they weren’t serious, and he wasn’t upset about 

them in the least. It was just that he hadn’t had sex injuries in a 

while and he wanted to quietly enjoy them, and remember the time 

he’d spent with Carson before Kenny came home from Zack’s 

house.

While Evan was in the tub soaking, with his head back, his 

eyes closed, and his hand on his dick, Kenny stormed into the 

apartment and slammed the front door. Evan had been thinking 

about how sexy Carson had looked in the locker room, sitting on 

the metal table, right before he’d gone into the ring to fight. There 

was something about a real jock that filled Evan with a sense of 

well being that he would never have admitted aloud to anyone.

Then Kenny pounded on the bathroom door and said, “Dad, 

have you seen the news this morning? You’re going to love this.”

Evan released his dick and sat up in the tub. He’d locked the 

door; force of habit. “What are you doing home so early? I didn’t 

expect you until noon.” It was a good thing Evan hadn’t spent the 

night with Carson.

“I couldn’t stay there,” Kenny said. “It was too embarrassing. 

Seriously, Dad. ”

This made no sense. “What was embarrassing? What are you 

talking about?” At first he thought this was just more of Kenny’s 

teenage drama.

“You obviously haven’t seen the news,” Kenny said.

Evan detected a hint of desperation in his son’s tone, so he 

stood up and said, “Give me a minute. Go make a pot of coffee and 

I’ll be right out. I’m in the tub.”

While he dried himself off, he glanced at the back of his legs 

in a full-length mirror on the bathroom door and smiled. There 

were a few black and blue marks from last night and he didn’t want 

Kenny to see them. So he put on a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt 

he’d been planning to dump in the hamper instead of the short robe 

he usually wore after a shower or bath. He didn’t rush; he even 

took time to comb his hair and shave. He knew from experience 

his teenage son tended to exaggerate the smallest incident and this 

drama was probably nothing important. Kenny could turn a pimple 

on the end of his nose into a goiter that rivaled an avalanche.

When he stepped out of the bathroom he found Kenny in the 

living room with his eyes fixed on the TV. Evan smiled, sat down 

on a chair opposite the sofa in front of a fresh mug of black coffee, 

and asked, “So what’s wrong?” He figured Zack and Evan had had 

an argument. They’d argued before over the same girl; he had a 

feeling it had happened once again.

Kenny was leaning forward, with his elbows on his knees and 

a mug of coffee in his hands. He stared at the TV and said, “That’s 

what’s wrong.”

Evan picked up the coffee and turned to the TV. At the exact 

moment he went to take a sip he saw Jeffery’s face on the screen 

and the coffee went up his nose. He started to choke and Kenny 

came over to pat his back. Though he couldn’t hear what was hap-

pening because he was choking, he saw Jeffery’s face and the word 

“scandal” on the TV screen.

When he finally caught his breath, he pointed to the TV and 

said, “Turn up the volume. What’s going on? Is your dad okay? 

Was there an accident?” His entire body filled with panic. At first 

he thought something might have happened to Jeffery. Although 

Jeffery was talked about in the media, he wasn’t one of those high-

profile celebrities who were hounded by reporters and paparazzi 

twenty-four hours a day. When people like Jeffery, famous for 

making billions of dollars, made headlines, there was usually a 

valid reason for it.

And that reason almost always tended to be disastrous.

Kenny just slumped back on the sofa, folded his arms, and 

closed his eyes.

 The reporter on TV started talking about Jeffery and it didn’t 

register at first. Evan had come in during the middle of the segment 

and he had to piece it all together. When he finally did, he sat there 

gaping at the screen, with one hand pressed to his chest and the 

other braced against the arm of the chair. When he finally looked at 

Kenny again, his chest caved in and he didn’t know what to say.

Evidently, Jeffery had been caught with his pants down, and 

in one of the most embarrassing ways possible. The owner of the 

high-profile social media company Jeffery had been meeting with 

in Silicon Valley, Darin Bloomberg, had gone to Jeffery’s hotel 

room on Friday night. Darin Bloomberg’s wife had been following 

her husband and Darin didn’t know it. The enraged wife stormed 

into Jeffery’s hotel room, caught Jeffery and her husband in bed 

together naked, and fired shots over their heads. She ran out of 

bullets, hotel security caught her, and the police were called. After 

that, the media found out about it and the incident became top-

priority news. There wasn’t much else going on in the world that 

weekend, so there was no hope of it disappearing fast. To make 

matters even worse, someone—probably hotel security—had taken 

a video of Jeffery and Darin Bloomberg in bed together and posted 

it on the Internet. According to the TV reporter, the video went vi-

ral within an hour and the entire world seemed to be talking about 

the gay billionaire Wall Street Shark in bed with the allegedly 

straight married tech geek from Silicon Valley.

As Evan sat there in shock, wondering what to say to Kenny 

about all this, the phone rang and he reached across the coffee table 

to pick it up. When he heard Jeffery’s voice on the other end, he 

walked into the kitchen so Kenny wouldn’t hear what he was say-

ing.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” Evan asked, keeping his 

voice low. He wanted to slam the phone into the wall next to the 

refrigerator. “When we agreed to an open marriage you said dis-

cretion was the key word. You told me you’d never embarrass me 

or Kenny or do anything in public that would hurt us. And now 

I have to look at a viral video of you in bed with that bone-fuck 

ugly Darin Bloomberg on TV?” On TV they’d only showed clips 

of the video that had been posted on the Internet because the full 

video was too graphic. On TV it was basically upper body shots of 

both Jeffery and Darin with stunned expressions. Though Kenny 

had seen photos of Darin Bloomberg before, he’d never been 

impressed with his looks. He had a long hook nose, a weak chin, 

curly red hair, and a chubby body that suggested he rarely took 

a walk, let alone worked out at a gym. He certainly wasn’t the 

type Evan would have thought Jeffery would have slept with. But 

what bothered Evan more than that was if Jeffery was attracted to 

someone as butt ugly as Darin Bloomberg, what did that say about 

Jeffery’s attraction to him?

Jeffery’s voice remained calm and even. “The fucking wife 

went berserk. You should have seen her flinging that gun around 

and shooting at us. I think the cunt has a firearms fetish. And she 

was screaming something that made no sense at all, ‘What fresh 

hells await me now?’”

“You were boning her husband,” Evan said. “Think about that 

for a moment.” He knew Jeffery would never be the bottom with 

anyone. He didn’t have to ask who was getting fucked in that bed. 

Evan also knew the wife was referring to a Dorothy Parker quote: 

“What fresh hell is this?” It made no sense to mention the quote 

to Jeffery. He’d never read a book that wasn’t financially oriented 

from cover to cover in his life.

“It’s not the end of the world,” Jeffery said.

“What about your rule of never mixing business with plea-

sure?” Evan asked.

“Turns out Darin Bloomberg loves dick,” Jeffery said. “He 

begged me to fuck him. What can I say? It’s not like we’re having 

an affair or anything. He wasn’t planning to leave her for me. So I 

don’t know what the fuck fresh hells the bitch is talking about. If 

she were smart she’d grab that gun, put on a strap-on, and fuck him 

herself.”

“He’s married,” Evan said. “She thinks you broke up their 

home. Most people would think that way. I’m sure she didn’t know 

she was in an open marriage, because unless an open marriage is 

discussed, it’s called cheating.” It always amazed him to think he 

had to explain things like this to Jeffery.

“It’s not the first time I’ve slept with a married man. It’s just 

the first time I got caught sleeping with one. I can’t believe that 

crazy fucking bitch shot at us. I could be dead now. I don’t know 

what the fuck her problem is.”

Evan hadn’t overlooked this. He was relieved Jeffery hadn’t 

been shot. But he was too mad to comfort him. “Her problem is 

that you fucked her husband and that her husband is a lying god-

damn cheater. What part of that don’t you get, Jeffery?” He knew 

he shouldn’t have asked that question. He knew Jeffery would 

never understand what he’d done wrong. For Jeffery, sex had noth-

ing to do with emotion. It was a physical need to be satisfied. Plain 

and simple.

 “I can’t talk long,” Jeffery said in a dismissive tone. He’d mas-

tered the art of changing the subject years ago. “I’m waiting for a 

call from my attorney.”

“What am I supposed to tell Kenny?” Evan asked. He glanced 

into the living room and saw that his son was sitting on the sofa 

with a pillow over his face now.

“Tell him I’ll talk to him when I get home,” Jeffery said. “For 

now, tell him the truth and don’t lie about anything. You know me 

better than anyone in the universe, and we both agreed a long time 

ago never to lie to him.”

“But he’s still hoping we might get back together,” Evan said.

“Well, we are going to get back together again as soon as you 

come to your senses. I don’t see how this silly little thing changes 

anything.”

Though most husbands would have hung up and phoned 

their attorneys, Evan knew deep down that wasn’t how it would 

work with him. It would have been a completely different mat-

ter if Jeffery had been lying to him. But Jeffery had always told 

him the truth, which made it virtually impossible to hate him. So 

Evan ignored the remark about them getting back together and 

asked, “When are you coming home? I don’t want to deal with this 

alone.”

“I’m leaving as soon as I can,” Jeffery said. “Darin’s not going 

to press charges against his wife, but I’m not sure how that works. 

I’m not either. We want this thing to die fast. That’s why I’m wait-

ing to talk to my attorney.”

“I guess the deal you’ve been working on with Darin is fin-

ished now,” Evan said. He felt a slight sense of comfort in this. 

Jeffery had worked hard, but a lot of his success had been acquired 

through what Evan considered dumb luck—being in the right place 

at the right time. He’d always believed that if his husband had 

known how to deal with a little failure it would have made him 

a better person. Evan had been around long enough to learn one 

thing: money didn’t buy happiness.

“The hell it is,” Jeffery said. “This doesn’t change anything. I 

didn’t fuck his fat for nothing. We’re still going public next week, 

I’m still investing millions of dollars in his company, and this is 

only going to give us the best free publicity we’ve ever had. Oh, 

there’s nothing like a good old-fashioned sex scandal to get atten-

tion.”

“You almost got killed while you were fucking a married man, 

and now your dick is all over the Internet. How is that good public-

ity?”

Jeffery laughed. He didn’t seem concerned. “Any free public-

ity is good publicity as long as they spell my name right. And you 

know I have nothing to worry about with my dick. If anything, 

when they get a look at me naked, the stock is going to soar.”

“Don’t be so smug,” Evan said. “Not now.”

“It’s true. I’m not being smug. I know how people think and I 

never sugarcoat it.”

Evan hadn’t looked at it that way, but that was because he’d 

never been good with anything that involved business or market-

ing. He needed advice from his literary agent about everything that 

involved the business end of publishing. He probably could have 

sold more books if he’d spent more time marketing and promot-

ing himself like other authors he knew, but he was satisfied with 

his small readership and as long as his books sold a decent number 

of copies, that was all he cared about. Like most career writers, he 

only wanted to write. He didn’t want to give speeches or lectures, 

or spend most of his time at book signing events. Conferences 

made him cringe.

So Evan sighed and said, “You’d better promise me one thing. 

When you get home you talk to Kenny first. Nothing else happens 

before you do that.”

“Of course I will,” Jeffery said. “You know the only two im-

portant things to me in life are you and Kenny.”

This sounded good whenever Jeffery said it. But Evan always 

had trouble believing it. He also wondered if all this had been 

an accident, or if Jeffery had somehow planned to get caught in 

bed with Darin Bloomberg on purpose to get the free publicity. It 

seemed awfully strange that something like this would happen only 

days before Darin’s company went public. And from what Evan 

had read, this social media company was popular but based on 

nothing concrete. “I have to go into the living room and talk to him 

now. Call me before you leave California.” His voice had softened 

by then. He knew getting mad at Jeffery wouldn’t help the situa-

tion. It would be the same as getting mad at a dog for licking his 

own balls.

“One more thing,” Jeffery said. “Keep a low profile for a while. 

The press will be looking for you and Kenny. They’ll want to get 

your reaction to what happened. You know the drill.”

He’d been through things like this before with Jeffery. Nothing 

this serious, where Jeffery had been caught in a sex scandal and 

his penis had been broadcast all over the Internet, but Evan had 

learned how to deal with the media: play dumb, say nothing, move 

forward without looking sideways.

When Evan returned to the living room to talk to Kenny, the 

news reporter had just mentioned Evan’s name. There were two 

people on this particular news show discussing what had happened 

with Jeffery and Darin, trying to figure out whether or not there 

would be any ramifications as a result of Jeffery’s indiscretion. 

They didn’t know Jeffery and Evan had agreed to an open mar-

riage. Evan knew their faces but not their names. He usually got 

his news online.

Reporter one said, “How do you think Jeffery Charles’s hus-

band, Evan Littlefield, will react when he finds out? I hear they 

are living in separate apartments in New York, but neither one has 

officially announced plans to divorce.”

Reporter two said, “I’m not sure how Evan Littlefield will 

react. He’s a very reclusive author. There were rumors he was in 

rehab recently but nothing was confirmed.”

That was when Evan lifted the remote and muted the volume. 

The last thing he needed to hear was some idiot trying to figure out 

his life when he still hadn’t figured anything out yet himself. He 

turned to his son and said, “This is how Evan Littlefield is going to 

react. He’s going to take his son to the Museum of Modern Art this 

afternoon and he’s not going to say a word to the press about any-

thing. It’s none of their business what goes on in his private life, or 

in his marriage.”

“We’re going to be hounded,” Kenny said.

“We’ll wear hoodies and sneak out the back way,” Evan said. 

“We’ve been through it before and we’ll get through it again.” In 

his neighborhood they would blend right in with everyone else. 

This was another reason why he loved living there. He never could 

have done anything like this if he were still living in the town-

house.

Kenny sent him a frustrated glance and asked, “That’s it? 

You’re not pissed off or anything? How can you let him get away 

with that? He just cheated on you, in case you haven’t heard.”

“It’s not as simple as that,” Evan said. He sat down on the sofa 

next to his son and reached for his hand. “Your father loves us and 

that’s all that matters.” He knew this sounded lame.

“But you’re married to him,” Kenny said.

“Your father is not like other men, and it’s time you realize it. 

You’re not a child anymore. Your father is a complicated man who 

moves to the beat of his own drum, pardon the bad cliché. We have 

an open marriage, which isn’t all that uncommon for gay men. So 

he didn’t really cheat on me. I wish he’d been more discreet about 

it. But that doesn’t mean we still don’t love each other, and that 

doesn’t have anything to do with you.”

“If you were so happy about this open marriage thing, then 

why did you move out?” Kenny asked.

“I didn’t say I was happy about it,” Evan said. “I said I under-

stand your father. There’s a difference. When he said he wanted an 

open marriage I decided to give him the room he needed. If I had 

fought him, our marriage would have ended and I would have lost 

him, and I didn’t want that to happen. I still love him too much and 

I’m not ready to give up on him. I know it’s hard to understand, but 

it’s the truth. That’s the best explanation I can give you.”

Kenny made a face and turned away from him. “And look 

where that got you. You wound up soaked in booze, in a back alley, 

then in rehab.”

Evan grabbed Kenny’s arm and held it tightly. “Oh no, that’s 

not how it works. I take full responsibility for my actions and your 

father had nothing to do with my drinking. I have an alcohol prob-

lem because I’m addicted to a substance. I have that under control 

now and I’m not going back to rehab again. I’m not blaming my 

alcoholism on anyone anymore.” While he said this, he felt a little 

shaky. He could have killed for a drink to get him through this 

conversation.

“Well, you can take it from him, but I’m not,” Kenny said. “I 

don’t want anything to do with him anymore after this. I’ve had it.”

Evan lowered his voice. He put his arms around his son and 

said, “It doesn’t work that way, Kenny. You can’t divorce your dad. 

As soon as he lands in New York he’s going to talk to you about all 

this and you’re going to listen to him.”

“Oh no, I’m not,” Kenny said.

“Oh yes, you are,” Evan said. “Like it or not, he’s still your fa-

ther and he hasn’t done anything wrong to you. He’s done nothing 

but love you and give you the best he could possibly give.”

Kenny’s voice softened this time. He turned to Evan and said, 

“You can’t tell me that what just happened didn’t change things 

forever. If there was hope for you moving back home, it’s gone 

now.”

Evan had to stop and think about this before he answered. 

“You’re right about that. After this, your father and I might never 

get back together. I honestly don’t know how I feel anymore. He 

seems okay with this open marriage and I’m not. I was hoping he 

would eventually get tired of it. But that doesn’t seem to be hap-

pening and I’m getting older and I want something different.” He 

thought about Carson again, but didn’t mention him to Kenny.

“Does that mean you’re getting a divorce?”

Evan held his son tighter. “I don’t know,” he said. “At this 

point the only thing I know is we’re going to take it one step at 

a time and get through this crisis. It will die down eventually. It 

always does. You’ll see what I mean.” Then he closed his eyes for 

a moment and wondered what “fresh hells” awaited him next.

Chapter Ten

In a move that surprised both Evan and Carson, Kenny ar-

ranged for his dad and his teacher to meet at a small bistro in the 

Village to discuss his grades. This happened a few weeks after 

Jeffery’s sex scandal with the multi-million-dollar social media 

king, Darien Bloomberg. Since then, Jeffery had explained every-

thing to Kenny, he’d gone public with the social media stock, and 

the sex scandal had died down to the point where people seemed 

more interested in whether or not social media would be a profit-

able investment than how often the Wall Street Shark was boning 

Darien Bloomberg.

While all this had been happening, Evan had been working on 

his next historical novel during the day and seeing Carson on the 

sly in the evenings. In lieu of what had happened with Jeffery and 

Darien in Silicon Valley, Evan thought it would be easier on his 

son if he didn’t know his other dad was sleeping with his English 

teacher on a regular basis. Evan also had to be careful about what 

he did in public because the press had been following him ever 

since Jeffery’s sex scandal.

Evidently, Kenny didn’t seem to mind Evan getting to know 

Carson better, and he proved this when he set a luncheon date with 

his English teacher and Evan.

Up until that meeting at the bistro in the Village, Evan and 

Carson had been getting together in the early evenings at the gym 

where Carson trained on Delancey Street. He wound up enjoying 

the training regimen boxers did more than he thought he would. He 

even learned how to fight, which made him feel more secure. Evan 

always told Kenny he was going to the gym after dinner. He didn’t 

lie. He just didn’t tell Kenny what gym he went to. And if the press 

was following him, they couldn’t fault him for going to a gym to 

work out.

After Evan and Carson worked out, they would meet in the 

small room at the back of the gym and share a few passionate mo-

ments together. They didn’t have much time; none of these en-

counters lasted more than fifteen or twenty minutes. Carson would 

basically pull down Evan’s shorts, bend him over the metal table, 

and fuck him until they both came. Sometimes Carson didn’t even 

pull down his boxing shorts. He seemed too excited. He would pull 

up the leg of his boxing shorts, pull his dick out of his jock strap, 

put on a condom, and spread Evan’s legs.

Although they shared a strong sexual attraction, Evan wasn’t 

sure it was emotional enough to leave Jeffery once and for all. 

That was another reason he decided not to mention anything about 

Carson to Kenny.

But Evan didn’t know what to think when he found out Kenny 

had arranged a meeting between them, without knowing they’d 

been seeing each other all along.

By the time Evan showed up at the bistro in the Village, Carson 

was already sitting at a small table waiting for him. Evan sat down 

and said, “I don’t understand why we have to be so formal. We 

could have talked about this at the gym tomorrow. When Kenny 

told me yesterday you wanted to meet me today to talk about his 

grades, I was actually kind of surprised.” They hadn’t seen each 

other in a few days because Evan had been busy working on a pro-

motional piece for a website that focused on historical romances. 

And Evan had told Carson not to phone him unless it was abso-

lutely necessary.

Carson blinked. “I didn’t want to meet you here. Kenny said 

you wanted to meet with me. I’m just as shocked. I figured we’d be 

seeing each other tomorrow anyway. And you told me not to call 

unless it was important. I figured I’d play it safe and not ask any 

questions so Kenny wouldn’t make any assumptions about us.”

Evan frowned and stared down at his lap. When he glanced up, 

he asked, “So what’s wrong with Kenny’s grades? Is he failing? I 

had a feeling all the stress from Jeffery and his moving in with me 

would catch up eventually.”

Carson blinked again. “He’s my best student. He’s not failing. 

What did you want to talk to me about?”

That was when Carson realized they’d been set up. He closed 

his eyes and shook his head. “I have a feeling Kenny’s trying to tell 

us something.”

“I don’t understand.”

Evan shrugged and said, “It’s obvious this meeting was his at-

tempt at getting us together. I think he’s actually trying to fix us up, 

and he has no idea we’ve been seeing each other all this time.”

“I guess I should be flattered,” Carson said. “Now we can stop 

sneaking around and being so secretive.” He’d already let Evan 

know he wasn’t fond of meeting him in the gym. He wanted to take 

him back to his loft and make love to him like civilized people.

Evan shook his head. “I know it sounds good,” he said. “But 

I know Kenny, and he’s only doing this because he’s still mad at 

Jeffery for getting involved with Darin Bloomberg. He wants to get 

even with Jeffery. And this is his way of protecting me. He thinks 

if I’m with someone stable like you, I can’t get hurt again. Besides, 

I don’t want our relationship to be public knowledge yet. That 

kind of news might not hurt my career, but it could hurt yours as a 

schoolteacher.”

“You have a point,” Carson said. “But I’m not worried about 

my job. I’ve been out of the closet for years and I’m not hiding 

anything from anyone.”

Evan hesitated. He didn’t want to say the wrong thing because 

he really liked Carson. He reached for his hand and held it tightly. 

“It’s not that simple. I’m still married to Jeffery and I’m not ready 

to let go of that yet.” This was getting more complicated than he 

wanted it to be.

“But he’s so bad for you,” Carson said. He leaned forward and 

looked into Evan’s eyes. “He’ll sleep with anyone, he’ll do any-

thing to make money, and from what I’ve seen and heard, he has 

no morals or ethics to speak of. I know I’m not perfect, not by any 

means. I have my quirks just like any other guy. But I think I’m 

falling in love with you and I don’t want to sneak around with you 

anymore.”

Evan sat back and folded his hands on the table. “I’m sorry, 

Carson. I have to be honest with you. I can’t offer you anything 

more than what we have right now. I still love my husband, in spite 

of everything you just said. I have strong feelings for you. But I’m 

just not ready to say it’s over with Jeffery.”

“If you need more time, I can deal with that,” Carson said. 

“I’m curious about something. When was the last time you saw 

Jeffery?”

“We speak every day on the phone,” Evan said.

“I’m asking about the last time you saw him.”

Evan shrugged. “I haven’t seen him since before he went on 

that trip to California. It’s been weeks now.”

“Does he know about me?” Carson asked.

Evan nodded. “Yes, I’ve told him I’m seeing you regularly.”

“And he’s okay with that?”

Evan smiled, but he hesitated even longer. He couldn’t tell Car-

son the truth this time. When Evan had mentioned his relationship 

with Carson to Jeffery, Jeffery had laughed and said, “Have fun 

while it lasts. I’m sure he’s a competent stud horse.” Evan wasn’t 

surprised by Jeffery’s reaction. He knew Jeffery tended to be smug 

that way. Jeffery even said, “I know you still love me, and I also 

know no man will ever make you feel the way I do. I’m not wor-

ried at all.”

So Evan took a quick breath and answered Carson’s question 

without going into detail. “Jeffery is respecting the rules of our 

open marriage.” He couldn’t tell him Jeffery didn’t consider him 

serious competition. But more than that, Evan wasn’t sure how he 

felt about Carson yet. The only reason he continued to see him was 

because he thought he might be able to have a real relationship 

with someone who wasn’t interested in things like open marriages. 

He knew he might have to settle for second best, but it was worth it 

to get that kind of stability in his life.

“Then I’ll wait,” Carson said. “I don’t care how long it takes. 

Sooner or later you have to come to your senses and see that Jef-

fery Charles is no good for you.”

But that same afternoon, while Kenny was at football practice 

and Carson was back at school meeting with another parent who 

had a kid who really was failing English, Evan opened the door 

to his apartment and found two dozen long-stemmed roses on his 

dining table and Jeffery sitting almost naked on his sofa. He was 

wearing nothing but a red bowtie.

Evan reached out to touch a rose and smiled. He glanced at 

the way Jeffery was stretched out on the sofa stroking his dick 

and took a deep breath. Jeffery knew Evan had always had a small 

secret fetish for men in bowties.

“Where were you?” Jeffery asked.

His deep smooth voice calmed Evan. He wanted to run over 

and hug him. But Evan remained standing and said, “I had to meet 

Carson about something this afternoon. Why didn’t you tell me 

you were coming over?” It was a dumb question. Jeffery never 

called in advance; he just showed up and expected Evan to drop 

everything for him.

“Is Carson the boxing schoolteacher still fucking you?” Jeffery 

asked.

Evan nodded. “Don’t be so crude, Jeffery. You’re the one who 

wanted things this way.”

Jeffery released his dick and stood up. He walked over to the 

table and put his arms around Evan. “I’m not judging you and I’m 

not upset about the boxing schoolteacher. I want him to fuck you 

so you can compare and see who’s better at it.”

Sometimes the things Jeffery said didn’t make sense to Evan. 

He knew they made sense to Jeffery because everything was a 

mind game for him. He did nothing and said nothing without an ul-

terior motive. The problem was figuring out the motive. But Evan 

wrote historical romances, not mysteries. “Well, you’re getting 

what you want. He’s been fucking me since the first date we had, 

and it’s not bad at all.”

Jeffery kissed the back of his neck and said, “Excellent.”

“And why is that excellent?” Evan wanted to pull back. He 

knew Jeffery was playing with his head again. But it felt so good 

to be in his arms, and so good to inhale his familiar scent, Evan 

couldn’t move his feet.

“It’s excellent because whenever you’re with another guy you 

always realize that I’m the best, that I will always be the best, and 

that no other man on Earth will ever compare to me.”

Evan smiled and rested his cheek on Jeffery’s bare chest. “You 

are such a smug sonofabitch. I should throw you out right now.”

Jeffery’s hands went down and stopped at Evan’s waist. “But 

you know you’re not going to do that. You haven’t been with me 

since you got out of Havilland and you’ve been missing me. I’d bet 

a billion dollars that you even close your eyes and think about me 

when the boxing schoolteacher is fucking you.”

“Of course not,” Evan said. But he had fantasized about Jeffery 

more than once while Carson had been fucking him.

“You’re lying,” Jeffery said. “I can tell because you won’t look 

at me.”

If Evan had continued to play games with Jeffery he wouldn’t 

have been able to get through to him. The one thing he’d learned as 

Jeffery’s husband was that the only thing that gave him power was 

the truth. So this time he did step back. He pushed Jeffery away 

and said, “The reason why I’m not going to throw you out has 

nothing to do with your dick, so get that into your head. The reason 

why I’m letting you stay is because you’re my husband, I haven’t 

seen you in weeks, and because I love you.”

Jeffery’s expression softened and he lost the smug grin. He 

took a few steps and he grabbed Evan by the back of the neck. 

He pulled Evan forward and kissed him so hard Evan had to hold 

on to his shoulders to keep his balance. While they kissed, Jef-

fery walked backward, pulling Evan toward the bedroom. The few 

attempts Evan made to break free from his embrace only made 

Jeffery kiss him harder. When they reached the bedroom, Jeffery 

threw him down on the bed and climbed on top of him.

This was the kind of control and passion Evan always craved 

the most when he wasn’t with Jeffery. Though all the men Evan 

had been with in the past, from the delivery guy to Carson Savione, 

had been aggressive, none could ever compare to Jeffery when it 

came to absolute control. That was because the sex they shared 

went deeper than what Evan had shared with other men. This af-

ternoon was no exception. After Jeffery threw Evan on the bed, he 

ripped off Evan’s shirt and yanked off his shoes, socks, and pants. 

He didn’t bother to pull down Evan’s underwear. He grabbed the 

waistband with both hands and with one tug on the right side and 

one on the left, he tore them from Evan’s body.

When Evan was naked, Jeffery climbed up higher and smacked 

him in the face with his dick. By that time, Evan’s mouth was open 

and his tongue was extended. Jeffery grabbed him by the hair and 

forced his head back. He held his dick within inches of Evan’s lips, 

as if he wanted Evan to beg and plead for it. The harder he forced 

Evan’s head away from his dick, the more Evan fought him. His 

mouth remained open and he struggled as hard as he could until 

Jeffery finally let go and shoved his dick to the back of Evan’s 

throat.

While Evan sucked, he closed his eyes and ran his hands up 

and down his husband’s solid thighs. No one had legs like Jeffery, 

and no one else could fill him with this much emotion. Evan turned 

into every bad cliché he’d ever hated. His heart raced while Jeffery 

slid in and out of his mouth. His own cock jumped each time Jef-

fery held his head in his hands and forced it in deeper. When they 

made love this way, it was as if Jeffery could read his mind and no 

words were needed. With his husband, Evan felt free to do things 

he wouldn’t have felt free to do with other men, not even Carson. 

They knew each other so well, and trusted each other so much, 

they both knew nothing they did to each other in bed would ever 

be questioned or judged. This one aspect of being married to a man 

who he loved unconditionally was a huge reason why Evan still 

wanted to fight for his marriage.

On that afternoon, they did something Evan would never have 

suggested doing with Carson. They remained in the same posi-

tion, with Evan on his back and Jeffery straddling his chest. Evan 

sucked until he could taste Jeffery edging toward climax. A minute 

after that, their eyes locked and Jeffery grabbed the back of Evan’s 

head with both hands. Jeffery jerked Evan’s head a few times and 

made a face. When he came, Evan closed his eyes and took every-

thing Jeffery had to give him. The sweetness always overwhelmed 

him for a moment.

But that wasn’t the thing Evan wouldn’t do with Carson. He’d 

already sucked Carson off and swallowed more than once, on his 

knees in the locker room of the gym on Delancey Street. What hap-

pened next was something he only did with Jeffery—or when he 

was alone.

After Jeffery came, he remained inside Evan’s mouth until 

Evan had sucked every last drop. When he finally did pull out, Jef-

fery crawled off Evan’s body and went to the other side of the bed. 

He grabbed Evan’s legs and smiled. Evan returned the smile and 

nodded. The thing he was about to do was something Jeffery loved 

to see and Evan never complained about doing it. It was something 

he’d learned about himself when he’d been a teenager, and now it 

was something he only shared when he was with Jeffery. They’d 

done this so many times Jeffery knew exactly how to hold him and 

which way to position him to get the maximum effect.

Jeffery glanced down and asked, “Are you ready?”

Evan nodded and said, “Yes.”

Then Jeffery lifted Evan’s legs, pushed his lower body forward, 

and bent him in half until his dick was hanging over his face. Jef-

fery didn’t have to work hard pushing his lower half into his upper 

half, and Evan felt no pain or discomfort whatsoever. It was as if 

his body had been designed to do this. Jeffery gave him a gentle 

push and Evan opened his mouth and started sucking his own dick. 

He couldn’t take the whole thing into his mouth, but he could take 

enough of it to get himself off with his own mouth. And it never 

took very long, especially with Jeffery watching him.

When they were finished, Jeffery lowered his legs and climbed 

on top of him again. He kissed him on the mouth and held him the 

same way he’d been holding him after sex since the first day they’d 

met. After being with Carson, who still felt like a stranger, the 

familiarity overwhelmed Evan for a moment.

Evan caressed the back of his head slowly until he stopped 

kissing. He didn’t want to let go of him, but he knew Kenny would 

be home soon and he didn’t want Kenny to know they’d had sex. 

“When will I see you again?” he asked. It caused a pain in his 

stomach to ask this question.

Jeffery got up and climbed out of bed. “I’m not sure. I have to 

fly out to Cupertino tomorrow again.”

“Are you still fucking fat-assed Darien Bloomberg?” Evan 

asked. He sat up and felt his lips to see if they were puffy from 

sucking Jeffery’s dick. He knew he would have to put ice on them 

so Kenny wouldn’t notice. The last time Kenny had seen him with 

puffy lips he’d lied and said he’d had an allergic reaction to a 

mango, but he’d really been sucking Carson’s dick.

“Does it matter?” Jeffery said. “He’s just a piece of ass. You’re 

the one I love.”

Evan climbed out of bed and walked over to where he was 

standing. He put his arms around him and said, “It’s starting to 

matter more and more to me. We can’t keep this up much longer. 

I’m not cut out for an open marriage, Jeffery. We’re both getting 

older.”

Jeffery kissed the top of his head and sighed. “Can we talk 

about this later? I have to go. I’m meeting some very important 

people for dinner tonight. Do you need anything?”

“I’m good,” Evan said. “The only thing I need is something 

normal in my life. I don’t want to give up on us. I really don’t. But 

Carson is a great guy and he’s willing to wait for me to make a 

decision.”

“I thought we agreed we wouldn’t get serious with anyone 

else,” Jeffery said. “And it sounds like you’re telling me this god-

damn boxing teacher is more than just a fuck buddy.”

“I didn’t plan it,” Evan said. “It just happened. He’s a sweet 

guy.”

“Do you love him?”

“Not the way I love you,” Evan said. “But he’s stable and hon-

est, and he cares about how I feel. He wants the same things in a 

relationship I want. And I think Kenny likes him, too.” He almost 

mentioned that Kenny had set him up on a date with Carson and 

then changed his mind. He didn’t want to put Kenny in the middle 

of his situation with Jeffery.

“I’ll call you,” Jeffery said. “And when I get back we’ll talk. 

Okay?”

Evan kissed him and said, “I’m serious this time. This open 

marriage isn’t working for me. And I’m starting to think I’m never 

going to turn you into the man I wish you’d be.”

Jeffery kissed him on the forehead and turned. As he loped into 

the bathroom, Evan felt a tug in his chest. He wanted alcohol, and 

not just one drink. He felt this overwhelming desire to put on his 

clothes, run out of the apartment, and hit the first bar he saw.

Chapter Eleven

“Did you see that girl?” Kenny asked Evan.

“No, who are you talking about? What girl?” Evan hadn’t been 

paying attention to anything except getting through the afternoon 

without going into a bar for a drink. It was Saturday afternoon, 

they’d gone out shopping because Kenny needed a new coat, and 

Evan hadn’t heard from Jeffery in two days. This wasn’t unusual, 

not completely. It happened sometimes when Jeffery was busy 

working on something important. Evan knew he was concentrating 

on the social media venture because the stock hadn’t been doing 

well since it had gone public.

Kenny grabbed his dad’s arm and pulled him closer so he could 

whisper. “There are a couple of people over there near the corner 

and one of the girls gave me a look. She’s like really hot, Dad.”

When Evan turned to look, Kenny grabbed his arm and said, 

“Don’t be so obvious. I don’t want her to know I noticed.”

Evan smiled. “Okay, I won’t look. Let’s get something to eat. 

You must be starved.” They were standing outside a small restau-

rant in the West Village. Evan wasn’t hungry at all; he rarely ate 

lunch. But he knew his growing teenage son could eat two lunches 

a day and still be hungry.

When they entered the restaurant, the head waiter told them 

he’d have a table ready in a moment. On Saturday afternoons in 

the West Village, Evan knew they were lucky to get any table any-

where because there were so many tourists from New Jersey and 

Connecticut. He’d completely dismissed the girl Kenny had been 

talking about a minute earlier until Kenny grabbed his arm again 

and started to whisper.

“Don’t look, but they are coming in here,” Kenny said.

Evan remained still, terrified to move his head in any direction. 

“Who are you talking about now? Who’s coming in here?”

“The hot girl with the other two people,” Kenny said. “You 

have to do me a favor.”

Evan’s head went up. “What kind of favor?”

Kenny did not answer him. Before Evan had a chance to ask 

another question, the three people Kenny had been talking about 

stepped into the restaurant and stood behind them. Evan took a 

quick glance and saw a nice-looking young woman with long 

blond hair, another young woman with brown hair, and a tall young 

man wearing a brown leather sport jacket. He didn’t think any of 

them were all that special. And they looked overly prepped, trying 

hard to be cool, as if they’d just hopped off a bus from New Jersey.

While Kenny stood there sending furtive glances to the young 

blond woman, the head waiter returned and said, “We have your 

table.” Then looked over Kenny’s shoulder and spoke to the tall 

guy in the brown leather sport jacket standing behind Evan. “I’m 

afraid there won’t be any more tables for at least a half hour. We’re 

extremely busy today.”

Without missing a beat, Kenny interjected in a move that re-

minded Evan of Jeffery when he wanted something he thought was 

important. Kenny said, “How big is our table? Can you seat five 

there?”

Evan’s jaw fell. He had no idea what his son was doing.

The head waiter said, “I’m sure we can. No problem.”

Kenny turned to the young blond woman and said, “You’re 

welcome to join us. My brother and I don’t mind.”

Evan grabbed Kenny’s arm and squeezed it hard. He glared at 

him and said, “Your brother?”

The blond girl asked, “Are you sure there’s room?”

Kenny sent Evan a look and smiled at the blond girl. “Yeah, 

man. We have plenty of room.”

Evan rolled his eyes. He knew words like “man” and “dude” 

were interchangeable nowadays. It was evident that Kenny wanted 

Evan to pretend they were brothers so he could get to know the 

young blond woman. So Evan shrugged and said, “That’s fine. 

But we can’t stay long. We have that party to go to later tonight.” 

Although this was not something Evan would ever have thought of 

doing, he found it amusing to see how eager his son was to get to 

know this young woman. He figured it wouldn’t hurt to play along 

for a little while. He would simply sit quietly and observe the 

younger people.

The head waiter escorted them to the back of the small nar-

row restaurant. On the way, Evan leaned into Kenny and said, 

“I’m going to get even with you, you little shit.” He wasn’t really 

angry. Evan didn’t want to bruise his ego just when he was begin-

ning to explore his own sexuality. They’d already had the dad/son 

talk about the facts of life and Evan knew Kenny wasn’t shy about 

anything. Even though Evan had explained there were benefits to 

abstaining from sex and waiting for the right person to come along, 

hoping his son wouldn’t start having sex too soon, he knew in 

reality not many young people paid attention to this advice. In fact, 

they’d been ignoring this same advice since the beginning of time.

Before they sat down, Kenny said, “I’m Kenny and this is my 

older brother, Evan.”

The blonde said, “I’m Candy.” She gestured to her two friends. 

“This is Lorraine and Grayson. We’re students at Fairleigh Dickin-

son University in New Jersey and we’re hanging out in the city for 

the day.”

Kenny flashed a huge smiled and squared his shoulders. “We 

go to NYU. We live downtown in Alphabet City.”

In a deadpan tone, Evan sighed and said, “I’m older than my 

brother. I’m in grad school.”

Before they sat down, Grayson stepped up to Evan and pulled 

out his chair. This set the tone for the duration of the meal and 

Evan had never been so uncomfortable in his life. He soon learned 

he wouldn’t be able to sit quietly and observe. While Candy and 

Kenny talked about school, Lorraine giggled and she tried to flirt 

with Kenny, too. Both young women seemed so interested in 

Kenny, and Kenny seemed so interested in them, everyone forgot 

about Grayson and Evan sitting at the back of the table. No one 

even heard Grayson lean over and ask, “How long have you been 

out? I just came out last year, dude.”

Evan gulped and said, “I’ve been out for a while.” On the one 

hand, he admired the way Grayson seemed to so comfortable talk-

ing about being openly gay, but on the other he felt creepy sitting 

there with a guy in his first year of college. But more than that, 

he wondered how Grayson had been able to tell he was gay. Most 

of the time no one knew, at least not at first. These younger kids 

nowadays seemed to have extra hidden radar or something.

Evan grew even more uncomfortable when handsome young 

Grayson dropped his napkin on purpose, bent down to get it, and 

grabbed his ass under the table when the other three weren’t look-

ing. Evan remained solid and even. He wanted to pretend it never 

happened. He reached down and removed Grayson’s hand from 

his ass and smacked him gently. But it didn’t end there. Grayson 

continued to stare between Evan’s lips and eyes. Grayson felt up 

Evan’s legs, his arms, and even put his arm around him at one 

point. By the time the waiter handed them the check, Evan wanted 

to stand up and kiss the waiter for saving him from this aggressive 

young gay man who didn’t seem to have any boundaries.

Before anyone else could say a word, Evan stood up, took 

the check from the waiter, and said, “This one’s on me.” Then he 

handed the waiter the full amount in cash, with a generous tip, 

and glanced down at his son. “We have to get moving now, little 

brother.” He gritted his teeth because young Grayson was feeling 

up his leg and no one knew it. “We’ll be late for that appointment 

we have with Mom and Dad.”

Kenny shrugged and stood up. He clearly didn’t want to leave 

yet, but he must have noticed the serious tone in Evan’s voice.

Candy asked. “Are you guys free later tonight? There’s this 

party we’re all going to in Chelsea and you can come along.”

That’s when Evan took control. Not only was he too old to be 

getting felt up by a horny freshman in college, he thought Kenny 

was too young to be meeting a girl that much older than he was. 

Kenny was still in high school. It was fun while it lasted; Kenny 

got a chance to pretend. But enough was enough.

Evan grabbed his son’s arm, pulled him away from the table, 

and said, “Thanks for the offer, but we really can’t. Mom and 

Dad are taking us out to dinner tonight before they leave for an 

extended tour of Japan. It was nice meeting you, though.” Then 

he yanked Kenny out of the restaurant and onto the sidewalk, and 

hailed a taxi.

On the way home, Kenny poked him in the arm and said, “I 

think Grayson wanted to get into your pants. The guy has it bad for 

you.”

“Don’t be an idiot,” Evan said. He felt his face getting warmer.

“I don’t see anything wrong with it,” Kenny said. He sounded 

as if he were teasing Evan.

But Evan gaped at his son. “Kenny. I can’t believe you just said 

that. I’m turning thirty next week and I’m your father. Have you 

completely lost your mind?”

Kenny laughed and said, “Calm down, Dad. I think it’s cool 

that I have such a young-looking dad. Seriously. How many other 

dads or moms get hit on by a guy in college? I can’t wait to tell 

Dad about this.”

 Although Evan didn’t want to encourage him, he started to 

laugh, too. He also took silent pleasure in imagining the expres-

sion on Jeffery’s face when their son told him about how a college 

freshman tried to ask him out in a restaurant. “Okay, you’ve had 

your fun. But that’s the last time I’m ever doing anything like that 

again. And from now on I’d prefer it if you got to know girls closer 

to your own age who are still in high school.”

Kenny frowned. “We exchanged phone numbers. We might get 

together.”

There wasn’t that much of an age difference, and Kenny would 

be in college himself in less than a year, so Evan took a deep 

breath and said, “She seemed like a nice girl. Just be careful, if you 

know what I mean.”

* * * *

Later that same day, they ordered take out from a Thai place 

Kenny liked and then Kenny went out to meet his friend, Zack, at 

the movies. Kenny said he was going to a party after the movies 

and he wouldn’t be home until midnight. He assured Evan this was 

not the same party he’d been invited to earlier by the blond girl in 

the West Village, and Evan told him to check in after the movie so 

he knew where he was.

Before Kenny left the apartment, Evan hugged him and said, 

“If you don’t want to call, you can text me. I only want to know 

where you are and that you’re safe. And I’d like you guys home at 

midnight.” His friend Zack was spending the night there and Evan 

always felt a stronger sense of responsibility when someone else’s 

kid was in his home. He knew he couldn’t keep Kenny home and 

locked up in his bedroom forever; he knew he had to let him get 

out and have fun with his friends. He also wanted to know where 

he was and what he was doing at all times. And Kenny had always 

been good that way. He argued about it sometimes, but he always 

let Evan know what he was doing.

When he left, Evan phoned Jeffery in Cupertino. He’d extend-

ed this latest business trip to work on marketing and promotion, 

hoping to create a better image for the social media company that 

seemed to be tanking in spite of all the hype when it had gone pub-

lic. Jeffery answered on the first ring but they didn’t speak long. He 

said he was in the middle of a meeting and he would call Evan on 

Sunday to let him know what time his plane would be landing.

After that, Evan grabbed his backpack and headed down to the 

boxing gym on Delancey Street. While Kenny had been sleeping 

earlier that morning, Carson had phoned him and they’d set up the 

date. They were still meeting at the gym because Evan didn’t want 

anyone to find out about them yet. Though the press had backed off 

and the sex scandal with Jeffery had died down, he still didn’t feel 

comfortable being seen going in and out of Carson’s loft. He still 

hadn’t mentioned anything to Kenny about Carson Savione either, 

and Kenny seemed to have become disinterested in them getting 

together as a couple—at least for the time being.

That Saturday night, Evan didn’t have high hopes for his mar-

riage. He was beginning to think he would never move back to the 

townhouse with Jeffery and nothing would ever change between 

them. He sometimes fantasized about what life would be like if 

he and Jeffery did get a divorce. He would be civil and maintain 

a friendly relationship with his ex-husband for Kenny’s sake. In 

that sense, they would be bound together as parents for the rest of 

their lives. Evan figured that because he hadn’t been able to make 

his marriage work, he would fight to make his divorce work. He’d 

seen too many screwed-up kids from divorced homes because the 

parents had continued to fight each other even when they weren’t 

married.

When he walked into the gym, he found Carson boxing in the 

ring with a rough-looking young guy who had a scruffy beard and 

lean hairy legs. Carson’s trainer was acting as the referee. The gym 

looked empty and they were only two training. He didn’t want 

to distract Carson, so he slipped into a seat in the back row and 

waited for them to finish.

At the end of the training session, Carson reached for a towel 

to wipe his sweaty face and he caught a glimpse of Evan sitting in 

the back row. He smiled and said, “Hey, I didn’t see you come in. 

I want you to meet my buddy, Juan.” He glanced back at the other 

sweaty boxer and gestured with his right hand. “C’mon over here 

and meet Evan, the guy I was telling you about.”

Evan smiled and walked over to the boxing ring. He reached up 

to shake Juan’s hand. “Nice to meet you, Juan.” Although Juan was 

as lean and wiry as Carson, his hair was darker, his eyes were more 

intense, and he had that serious street-wise quality that suggested 

he came from humble, but rough, beginnings. Evan had always 

been uncomfortable talking to his type. They tended to make him 

feel self-conscious about being gay.

“Nice to meet you,” Juan said. His handshake was firm; he 

spoke with an accent.

Then Carson’s trainer said, “I’m going home now. You can 

lock up.” He handed Carson the keys to the front door and nodded 

at Evan. The old man had never been big on small talk and Evan 

wasn’t insulted when he continued walking without even saying 

hello or goodbye.

Evan looked up at Carson and said, “You’re closing up al-

ready.” This was the first time he’d gone there on a Saturday night. 

Evan usually spent Saturday nights with Kenny watching TV and 

eating junk food.

“We close early on Saturdays,” Carson said.

Juan remained silent, as if waiting for Carson to make the next 

move. While he stood at the end of the ring, Evan couldn’t ignore 

what loomed above his head. When he looked up he could see 

Juan’s jock strap through the leg of his shorts. His legs were just as 

hairy at the top as they were at the bottom, and there seemed to be 

a nice round bulge in his jock.

Then Carson grabbed two towels that had been hanging over 

the ropes and said, “C’mon guys. Let’s hit the showers.”

Though Evan didn’t know what to make of this casual com-

ment, he followed Carson and Juan to the back of the gym and into 

the locker room. It was the first time Evan had been there with no 

one around and it felt a little creepy. The smallest sound seemed to 

amplify; even their voices echoed a little. He took a quick breath 

and inhaled the familiar damp rubbery scent he grown so accus-

tomed to since he’d met Carson.

Juan stopped at the end of a long wooden bench and opened his 

locker. Evan followed Carson to the other end of the same bench 

and set his backpack down. When Carson opened his locker, he 

leaned into Evan’s side and said, “Juan wants to take a shower with 

us. He’s seen you around and he asked if it’s okay. I didn’t want to 

say anything until I talked to you first.”

It took a moment for this to sink in. All this time Evan had been 

thinking Carson was different from the other men he’d known. 

He’d actually begun to believe Carson and Jeffery were nothing 

alike and that Carson only wanted to be with him. For that one 

brief instant in his complicated life, Evan thought there might still 

be hope and that he’d found a gay man who wanted a monogamous 

marriage and wouldn’t be interested in having sex with anyone else 

but him. Oh, he should have known better. Cadin was right: he did 

go for the same type all the time. He almost laughed in Carson’s 

face. This knack he had to ignore the realities in his life had always 

been one of the reasons why he’d turned to alcohol. And he had no 

one to blame but himself.

Carson kissed him in front of Juan and said, “So, is it cool? I 

think it could be fun.”

Instead of shoving Carson into the lockers and kicking him in 

the ass for making him believe there was still hope, he smiled and 

said, “Why the fuck not?” Then he glanced over his shoulder and 

Juan and said, “We’ll be right in. You get the water nice and hot, 

handsome.” Juan had already stripped down to his jock strap. The 

bulge between his legs looked even bigger than Evan had imag-

ined.

An unusual sense of relief passed through Evan and a good 

deal of the stress he’d been feeling about his relationship with Car-

son dissipated. He realized that night his relationship with Carson 

had never been anything more than sexual and that he hadn’t been 

as emotionally involved as he’d thought he’d been. He felt a slight 

sting of disappointment, deep down. But nothing that would keep 

him awake at night, or send him to the nearest bar.

Chapter Twelve

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Carson asked. He’d 

removed his shorts, shoes, and socks, and was about to pull off his 

jock strap.

“Sure. I’m a good sport,” Evan said. “He seems like a nice guy, 

too.” He’d already removed all of his clothes and he was about to 

join Juan in the showers. He reached forward and squeezed the 

bulge in Carson’s jock strap and smiled. He kissed him on the lips 

and said, “You’re one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met and I 

don’t see any reason why we all can’t have a little fun.”

“This doesn’t change anything between us,” Carson said. “I 

still have feelings for you. This is just fun and games and when it’s 

over, it’s over, as far as I’m concerned.”

Evan squeezed him again and felt him getting harder in his 

hand. He’d been listening to these same words from Jeffery for 

years. “Let’s not talk about anything too deep right now. I’m so 

tired of talking about things too much I could scream. I’m all 

talked out. In the past six months I’ve been analyzed, scrutinized, 

examined, and dissected. For once I’d just like to go with the mo-

ment and forget about everything emotional that requires too much 

thought. Right now, the only thing I want is to have two good-

looking boxers take turns fucking me in a men’s locker room.”

Carson’s eyes opened wider. “I’ve never seen you this candid 

before.”

Evan turned and headed for the showers. He sent Carson a 

backward glance and said, “I have my moments.”

What Evan didn’t say was that he wanted to find out what 

he’d been missing out on that other men seemed to embrace. 

He’d played by the rules all his life and he’d never stopped going 

in circles. Men like Jeffery did whatever they wanted and noth-

ing ever seemed to happen to them. They moved forward, not in 

circles, stepping on anyone who got in their way. Though Carson 

was by no means as notorious as Jeffery, they both had a lot more 

in common than Evan had realized in the beginning. Evan would 

never have suggested they do a three-way with Juan—or anyone. 

He would have been happy just being with Carson and spending 

time alone with him. But Evan seemed to be missing something, 

because Carson clearly didn’t have a problem suggesting the three-

way. And it was time for Evan to find out exactly what he’d been 

missing.

The showers in that gym were located in one large, open, 

square room that had been tiled in white from floor to ceiling. 

When he stepped down to join Juan, he found him standing under 

a showerhead at the back of the square room with his head tilted up 

as hot water splashed his face. The instant Evan saw Juan, his heart 

started to race and his dick grew fully erect. While the hot water hit 

Juan, he leaned back with his wiry legs slightly spread, soaping his 

genitals with both hands in an awkward way that made Evan smile.

He crossed the shower room slowly and rested one hand on 

Juan’s shoulder and the other between his legs. When Juan turned 

to put his arm around him and kiss him, he handed Evan a bar 

of soap and turned away from the water. As they kissed, Evan 

slowly rubbed the bar of soap up and down between Juan’s legs. 

Juan spread his legs wider and Evan lathered him with one hand 

and gently groped him with the other. Juan seemed to respond to 

a lighter touch—they always did. Each time Evan ran his fingers 

up and down Juan’s soapy erection, so gently he hardly touched 

him at all, Juan shoved his tongue deeper into Evan’s mouth and 

squeezed the back of his neck.

When Carson joined them, he stepped up from behind and 

placed his hands on Evan’s waist. His pelvis bucked forward, 

he shoved his dick up against Evan’s ass, and he started kissing 

them both. As their three tongues met, Evan dropped the soap and 

reached back with one hand to massage Carson’s balls. He took 

both men in each hand at the same time. He stroked and rubbed 

and squeezed. They responded to his light, articulate movements 

by forcing him into submission the way he’d been hoping they 

would.

They yanked his hair and squeezed his neck. The softer he 

stroked Carson’s dick, the harder Carson held his waist. Juan’s 

hands were all over his body by then. He grabbed Evan’s chest and 

cupped his pecs so hard Evan’s entire body went rigid. His back 

arched, silently begging Juan to continue, as Carson’s dick tried 

to find the lips of his anus. When Evan released both men and his 

arms went all the way up, they ran their rough hands up and down 

his wet body in moves that sent chills up and down his spine.

There were no spoken rules, but all three of them knew how 

this would turn out. When they stopped kissing, Juan held Evan by 

the neck and Carson applied pressure to his shoulders. And Evan 

knew without having to be told that it was time to go down on his 

knees on the shower room floor and do what they wanted him to 

do.

No one seemed to be in a hurry, so Evan took his time tonight. 

Both men stood side by side as he kneeled before them. He rested 

one palm on Juan’s thigh and the other on Carson’s. He buried his 

face between Juan’s legs first and gently sucked Juan’s dark balls 

into his mouth. Juan held his head and Carson watched with his 

lips parted, waiting for his turn.

When Evan turned to do the same thing to Carson a few min-

utes later, Carson spread his legs wider and held his dick up so it 

wouldn’t get in Evan’s way. The only thing lacking for Evan was 

the sense of smell. He’d always enjoyed the scent of a man who’d 

just worked hard. Although there were strong lines drawn between 

men with bad hygiene who didn’t wash properly and men who did, 

Evan tended to get more turned on when clean men were not fresh-

ly showered. That didn’t mean he wanted them dirty and grungy. 

That would have been a huge turn-off for Evan. But the jock who 

showered twice a day and cleaned his body thoroughly always 

smelled a little better right after a strong workout that had caused 

him to perspire, especially between his legs. The ultra-clean man 

in a business suit who shaved and showered every morning before 

work smelled even better at the end of the day when he came home 

and took off his pants. But with the water splashing on all three 

of them, any hint of their natural scents virtually disappeared and 

mingled with the damp soapy aroma of the shower room.

That didn’t stop Evan from swallowing Juan’s uncircumcised 

dick, nor did it stop him from sucking the pre-come from Carson’s. 

He took turns on them both and they moved closer together. At one 

point, he pulled them together and sucked them both at the same 

time. He couldn’t get them all the way into his mouth, but he did 

his best trying to get them in as far as he could. They didn’t seem 

to enjoy this as much as he did. A few minutes after he started 

sucking them together, Juan pulled the back of his head, yanked 

him away from Carson, and shoved his dick so far down Evan’s 

throat, Evan almost gagged.

Juan seemed needier than Carson. They were both aggressive 

and both clearly knew what they wanted, but Juan didn’t hesitate 

to pull Evan’s hair or shove his face. He moved with jerks and 

unplanned gestures during sex, the same way he’d moved in the 

boxing ring when earlier when he’d been training with Carson. 

When Juan had had enough in the shower, he turned off the water, 

reached down with both hands, and lifted Evan up with one fast 

heave that meant nothing to him. And while Carson stood there 

watching all this, Juan lifted Evan up, threw him over his right 

shoulder, and carried him back into the locker room.

Though Evan had been lifted, turned, bent, and twisted by men 

in the past, he’d never actually been carried around this way. He 

panicked a little at first; he didn’t have anything to hold on to for 

support hanging over Juan’s shoulder. But he calmed down fast 

when Juan slapped him hard on the ass and said, “Don’t worry. 

You’re not that heavy. You’re safe with me.”

Carson followed them to a long wooden bench in the locker 

room not far from where they’d undressed. He helped Juan lower 

Evan to the floor, and then he went over to his backpack and pulled 

out two condoms and a tube of lube. While Carson opened the 

packages and prepared to cover his dick, Juan grabbed Evan by the 

arm and pulled him to the bench. He gave him a shove and Evan 

went down on his knees. He gave him another shove and Evan 

bent over the bench and spread his legs for them.

They both put on condoms and lathered their dicks with lube. 

Then Juan made a fist, spread some lube on his middle finger, and 

inserted his finger up Evan’s ass. As with all his other moves, Juan 

wasn’t gentle. The minute his middle finger entered, Evan’s head 

went up and he grabbed the bench and squeezed tightly. He didn’t 

slide his finger with gentle strokes. He shoved and poked and prod-

ded in a way that was both intrusive and exciting. Each time his fist 

hit the bottom of Evan’s ass, Evan’s mouth opened and he gasped.

A second after that, Juan went down on his knees and reached 

between Evan’s legs. He spread them wider and Evan arched 

his back in an exaggerated way to let Juan know he wanted to 

get fucked. He’d learned early the unsaid things during sex with 

strangers tended to be louder than anything he could have said—or 

planned to say aloud. Juan seemed to understand what Evan want-

ed and the next thing Evan knew, Juan was holding his waist and 

sliding in and out of his body while the top of Evan’s head hit the 

metal locker.

Juan fucked harder and faster than most men. He went deep 

and pulled all the way out without a set pattern. Evan didn’t know 

what to expect next with him. He tended to invade more than enter. 

He would slam into Evan, go as deep as he could, then start mov-

ing his pelvis in a way that made the bench vibrate. It also made 

Evan’s body vibrate, both inside and out, to the point where the 

nerve endings at the lips of his anus brought him to a point of plea-

sure he always found hard to describe. This was one of the most 

sensitive areas in Evan’s body. So many people not familiar with 

good sex thought anal sex was all about prostate stimulation, and 

they failed to consider that a good deal of stimulation came from 

the most sensitive nerve endings around the anus. Though Evan 

had heard this wasn’t the case with all men—or women—in his 

case that was where it all began and ended during anal sex for him.

When Juan pulled out and Carson took his turn, he continued 

where Juan had left off. Carson was a more predictable lover and 

Evan enjoyed the way his even moves created a balance and a 

diversion. Each time Carson entered and pulled out, he seemed to 

enhance the same nerve endings that Juan had already stimulated. 

And as each of them took a turn on Evan, their individual styles 

and movements continued to bring Evan closer to the edge of what 

he portended would be an orgasm to remember.

He lost track of how long they’d been taking turns on him. 

Though his knees were sore and his fingers ached from holding the 

bench, he wouldn’t have minded if they’d kept him in this position 

for the rest of the night. But they had other plans. Juan pulled out 

and grabbed Evan’s waist. He lifted Evan up until he was standing. 

While Carson watched, obviously not sure what was happening, 

Juan sat on the bench, spread his legs, and rested on his back. He 

reached forward with one hand and took his dick. He shook it and 

said, “Sit on it and lean forward.”

When Evan did this, and Juan’s dick was all the way in, he 

placed his palms on Juan’s chest. It wasn’t until Juan gestured to 

Carson and said, “Get in there,” that Evan grasped the concept. 

He’d never done this before. The magnitude of what these men 

were going to do to him almost overwhelmed him.

It took a minute, but Carson finally forced his way into Evan 

from behind. By that time, Evan was holding Juan’s shoulders 

and making a face. He felt no pain. They’d been fucking him for 

so long, and the lips of his anus were so sensitive, he was ready 

to explode. The way both men had stretched him left him gasp-

ing for air. He’d once heard someone say two dicks are better than 

one, and now he knew they weren’t joking. He couldn’t control 

his emotions or his actions. He started moaning aloud and mak-

ing noises he never made during sex. If he’d been able to stop, he 

would have. He’d never liked it when other people made vulgar 

sounds during sex. But this was something he couldn’t seem to 

control no matter how hard he tried to restrain himself.

When the guys saw how much Evan liked it, they started fol-

lowing his moves. Carson fucked faster from behind; Juan bucked 

his pelvis from below. Evan kept backing into them both, trying 

hard to get them into his body as deeply as he could. This time he 

wound up grabbing Juan’s hair and pulling it. He screamed so loud 

at one point Juan had to shoved three fingers in his mouth to shut 

him up.

Carson came first. Then he pulled out and Evan started riding 

Juan’s dick faster. He missed Carson’s dick but he was so close by 

then it didn’t matter much. He wanted to get Juan off this in this 

position, which wasn’t always easy to do with some men. But he 

could see by the expression on Juan’s face and the way Juan was 

nodding that he was ready to come.

At the exact moment Juan grunted and made a face, Carson 

pulled off his condom and he shoved his dick into Evan’s mouth. 

Evan closed his eyes and sucked. He moved his hips faster and 

Juan grabbed his waist and said, “Fuck, man, fuck.” When Juan 

said he was coming with his thick accent, Evan took his own dick, 

sucked on Carson harder, and blasted a three-day load that arced 

so high it went over Juan’s head and landed on the other side of the 

bench.

When it was over, Carson helped Evan climb off Juan’s dick. 

They went back into the shower room and Evan took his time 

soaping and rinsing both men off. He wanted to do this and they 

didn’t seem to mind. When they were finished showering, Juan 

even asked Evan to dry him off and help him get dressed. Now 

that the sex was over, Evan noticed a vulnerable quality in Juan 

that he often saw in aggressive men: the apprehensive need to be 

treated with care and at the same time terrified to let anyone know 

they wanted this. He’d seen this so many times he wondered often 

about the stereotypes all men have to deal with as a result of social 

conditioning that said men had to be strong at all times and never 

show emotion.

After they got dressed, Juan and Evan waited in front of the 

gym on the sidewalk so Carson could close up the gym and turn 

out all the lights. While they waited, Evan noticed the gay couple 

with the kid in the wheelchair walking down Delancey Street he’d 

seen the first time he’d gone to the gym to see Carson fight the Ice 

Man. Only this time the kid wasn’t in a wheelchair. He was walk-

ing between the two gay men, holding their hands. They didn’t 

walk fast. The kid had braces on his legs.

As they passed, Juan put his arm around Evan and pulled him 

closer. It felt like a lame attempt to show emotion and Evan was 

not impressed. Evan nodded at the two guys and glanced down to 

smile at the little boy. They looked so happy together, Evan felt a 

sting in his eye. He wanted to run over and hug all three of them 

to let them know how happy he was to see them together again, to 

see that they were a family, and to see the little boy walking on his 

own. The last time he’d seen them he’d felt sorry for them. This 

time, all he felt was love.

But he didn’t move. He just stood there with his hand on Juan’s 

abdomen and smiled, remembering a time when he’d walked down 

the street the same way with his husband and son.

Chapter Thirteen

“Are you still getting it from the boxing dude?” Jeffery asked. 

He’d phoned Evan earlier that morning and Evan had returned 

his call. When Jeffery spoke in this crude manner, he tended to be 

joking—one huge reason why he’d never had many female friends. 

Michele never got his humor, nor did most of the women in his 

life. Most women expected Jeffery to be the gay man they saw on 

TV, arranging flowers and picking through fabric samples, and 

when they found Jeffery was more like the men they’d married and 

divorced, they drifted away from him.

“I’m not in the mood for your sarcasm, Jeffery,” Evan said. 

Sometimes he lost patience with his sense of humor, too. “I just 

found out that Michele broke up with her boyfriend and she’s dev-

astated. The birthday party is off.”

“That’s too bad. But look at the bright side, you can turn thirty 

again next year,” Jeffery said. “Besides, I was calling to let you 

know I couldn’t make it anyway.”

This didn’t surprise Evan. Jeffery never went out of his way for 

anyone, especially not for a party at Michele’s apartment. Jeffery 

tended to tolerate her in the same way she tolerated him. But Evan 

wasn’t in the mood for Jeffery’s arrogance and he lashed out and 

said, “Why do you even bother calling me? I’m serious, Jeffery.”

“I’m sorry I can’t make it to the party,” Jeffery said. “Some-

thing came up and I have to deal with it.”

Evan laughed. “It’s not about the party. It’s not about you. God, 

you’re such an asshole sometimes. My best friend just got dumped 

by a guy she really liked and I’m upset about it. I know that’s not 

something you’ll ever understand. But I care about my friends 

and I don’t like to see them get hurt. Forgive me for having feel-

ings, Jeffery, but we can’t all be heartless, sour bastards like you 

who spend our days thinking about money and fucking anything 

that walks. And right now I’m so sick and tired of everything and 

everyone, I don’t even want to talk to you.” He hadn’t spoken to 

Jeffery this way in a long time. He wanted a drink so badly he felt 

like tearing the pillows on his bed apart.

After a moment of silence, Jeffery said, “I’ll talk to you later, 

then.”

Evan hung up without saying goodbye. He’d had the urge to 

drink since he’d been discharged from Havilland but it had never 

been this strong. He clenched his fists and pounded the mattress 

a few times. He thought about Carson and how disappointed he’d 

been when he’d discovered Carson wasn’t as interested in a seri-

ous monogamous relationship as Evan had thought he’d been. 

Although they were still friends and Evan didn’t hold anything 

against him, Evan couldn’t help wondering why he always seemed 

to attract the same kind of man. He’d thought it would be different 

with Carson and he’d been wrong again. But more than that, he’d 

given up all hope of ever having a real marriage and family with 

anyone.

Before he got dressed, he phoned Cadin to see how Michele 

was doing. Cadin answered on the second ring.

“She’s just sitting on the sofa, staring at a martini glass,” Cadin 

said. He spoke in a soft whisper so Michele wouldn’t hear him. 

“I’ve never seen her take anything so hard.”

Evan sighed aloud. “I’m coming over. I’ll be there in about 

a half hour.” Michele had been seeing the same guy since Evan 

had been back from Havilland and she’d sounded so happy. They 

hadn’t seen much of each other because she’d been so busy with 

the new boyfriend. That night, at Evan’s thirtieth birthday party, 

Evan would have met the guy for the first time.

“I think that’s a good idea,” Cadin said. “Between the two of us 

I’m sure we can at least make her feel a little better.”

The last thing Evan felt like doing that night was cheering 

someone else up. And Cadin sounded just as depressed at Michele. 

But Evan couldn’t disappoint Michele. She’d always been there 

for him and now it was his turn to be there for her. “Did you phone 

everyone and tell them the party was canceled?” 

Cadin said, “Yes. I took care of all that. What about Jeffery?”

“Don’t ask,” Evan said. “I’ll see you in a half hour.”

After he hung up, he put on the clothes he’d been planning to 

wear to the party: a black sport jacket, white shirt, and new jeans. 

Then he went downstairs and walked to the avenue to hail a cab. 

But it wasn’t always easy to get a cab in his neighborhood, so he 

continued walking toward the West Village. Each bar he passed 

along the way made him tighten his fists and lower his gaze to the 

sidewalk. At one point, he stopped and gaped at the open door of 

a bar he’d been to in the past. He held his breath and counted to 

twenty, holding back the urge to run inside and head for the bar-

tender nearest the door. This overwhelming urge, this craving for 

alcohol of any kind, consumed him so fully nothing else seemed to 

matter.

But he took a deep breath, exhaled, and continued walking 

to the next corner. When he finally found a taxi, he climbed into 

the backseat and told the driver where to go with such a sense of 

urgency the driver sent him a second glance before he pulled away 

from the curb. For a moment, Evan felt a slight sense of relief. He 

rested his head back on the seat and closed his eyes. He’d been 

strong enough to resist the urge to go into that bar. A year earlier 

he wouldn’t have resisted that urge. He would have gone inside 

and he wouldn’t have come out until the bar closed. There was no 

doubt in his mind he would have left the bar with whatever man 

there at the time had shown him the slightest amount of interest.

 Although the urge to drink lightened a little by the time he 

reached Michele’s apartment, it didn’t disappear. It never really 

did, not forever. He should have known; he should have expected 

this. His doctor at Havilland had warned him. When Cadin an-

swered the door and he walked in and found Michele sitting on the 

sofa with a martini glass in her hand and a huge tray of food on the 

coffee table, the urge to drink returned with even more intensity.

He kissed Cadin on the cheek and crossed to the sofa. He sat 

down beside Michele and put his arm around her. “I’m so sorry,” 

he said.

Michele shrugged and leaned into him. “I’m sorry I ruined 

your birthday.”

He held her closer. “Sweetie, this isn’t about my birthday. 

You’ve been through a shock and that’s all that matters.”

Michele sat up and said, “You have no idea, trust me.”

“What do you mean?” Evan asked. He glanced up at Cadin, 

who’d been standing next to the sofa, and Cadin rolled his eyes.

 “It’s the last thing I expected,” Michele said.

Evan felt a lump in his throat. He had a feeling he knew what 

she was talking about. “Is it another woman?” They were both 

getting older and Michele wasn’t dealing with it well. She’d just 

turned thirty and she was already doing Botox and talking about 

plastic surgery.

“Not exactly,” Michele said. “It’s another man.”

Evan’s head jerked back. “You were dating a gay guy?” He 

sent Cadin another look and pressed his palm to his throat. They’d 

always joked around that Michele would be happier if she could 

just find a nice gay man and settle down. But they’d never been 

serious about it.

She turned and glared at him. “I didn’t know he was gay. I had 

no idea until he met me for lunch this afternoon and told me he’d 

met a guy, he’d fallen in love with him, and they’re planning to get 

married.”

“You didn’t see any signs? Your two best friends are gay and 

you didn’t see anything unusual about this guy?”

“He’s not really gay,” she said. “He told me he’s bi-sexual. 

And get this, the guy he fell in love with is twenty years old.” She 

smacked her forehead with the heel of her palm so she wouldn’t 

ruin her makeup. “Now I not only have to compete with younger 

women, but also younger men. How fucked up is that?”

Evan put his arms around her this time and hugged her tightly. 

“It’s not like that, it really isn’t. You just got mixed up with the 

wrong guy, is all.”

She sniffed and said, “I can compete with another woman. But 

I can’t compete with a twenty-year-old guy. That not even pos-

sible.”

Evan knew there was nothing he could say or do that would 

make her feel any better that night. So he took her martini glass, 

stood up, and walked over to the bar next to a white baby grand 

piano. He mixed a full pitcher of vodka martinis without even real-

izing what he was doing. By the time he started to pour the mixture 

into Michele’s martini glass, he glanced up and saw both Cadin 

and Michele gaping at him.

They seemed to be waiting for his next move. He lifted the 

martini glass and smiled. “It’s not for me. It’s for you.” Then he 

brought the martini to the sofa and set it on the coffee table be-

side the tray of party food and picked up a canopy of caviar and 

chopped egg and popped it into his mouth.

Then Michele started to cry and they listened to her story 

about the way the guy had dumped her. He’d met her for lunch in 

a restaurant and dumped her before they had a chance to order. As 

if that wasn’t enough, he gestured to the front of the restaurant and 

the twenty-year-old guy walked over to their table and sat down 

with them.

Both Cadin and Evan leaned forward at the same time. “He 

brought the new boyfriend with him?” Evan asked, exchanging a 

quick glance with Cadin when Michele wasn’t looking.

She nodded. “He introduced me, asked the guy to join us, and 

said he hoped we could all be good friends.”

Cadin’s mouth was hanging open by then. “What did you do?

She shrugged again. “I put up a good front. What could I do? 

We were sitting in the middle of a busy restaurant and I couldn’t 

make a scene. You know how it is: women aren’t supposed to 

make scenes in public or show aggression. We’re supposed to be 

nice and smile all the time.”

“I would have kicked them both in the ass,” Evan said. He 

reached for Michele’s hand. “I know that’s not something I would 

have done a year ago, but the older I get, the more tired I get of 

people like this guy making assumptions. I’ve learned a few things 

about some men in the past few months, let me tell you. They seem 

to drift through life making their own rules, expecting everyone 

around them to just go along with them. And I’m getting tired of it. 

I say fuck them all and you’re better off without this guy. If more 

gay men and straight women took on this attitude we’d all be a lot 

better off for it. We need to start making our own rules.”

When Michele got up to use the powder room, Cadin went to 

the bar and poured himself a martini. He took a huge sip and said, 

“God, I don’t know how I’m going to get through this night in one 

piece.”

Evan walked over and asked, “What’s wrong with you?” 

“I wasn’t going to say anything, but the guy I’ve been seeing just 

told me he thinks we should start seeing other people.” Cadin fin-

ished the drink in one swallow. “And we all know what that means. 

He’s probably already seeing other people.”

“The guy with the child-bearing hips?”

“Yup.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Evan said. “I thought everything was going 

so well.” They’d all been so caught up in their own lives in the 

past few months Evan realized they hadn’t been paying attention to 

each other.

“He didn’t even have the decency to ask me out to lunch,” Ca-

din said. “He mentioned this to me on the phone.”

“Oh, not the phone.”

As Cadin nodded, Michele walked into the living room, took 

one look at their expressions, and asked, “What’s wrong?”

Evan wanted a drink now more than ever. “The guy Cadin has 

been seeing told him he wants to see other people.”

Michele reached for his hand and said, “I’m so sorry. I know 

how serious you were about this one.”

Evan noticed that although Cadin wasn’t thrilled about his situ-

ation, he sounded less upset than Michele. “I’m just sorry I told so 

many people about it. I introduced him to my mother, and to the 

rest of the family in Brooklyn. At first, I was a little worried be-

cause he’s a little effeminate and my family is still not used to me 

being gay. But everything seemed to work out and I thought things 

were going so well between us.”

“You poor thing,” Michele said. “I think we both need another 

drink.”

Evan said, “You two sit down. I’ll get you both another mar-

tini. You’re out of vodka at the bar.” He knew Michele’s apartment 

as well as he knew his own. He knew she kept several bottles of 

vodka in the freezer at all times.

Michele’s apartment was large enough to have a private eat-in 

kitchen off the dining room, with a swinging door so no one would 

have to look at the kitchen during her candlelight dinner parties. 

She tended to be more formal than most of Evan’s other friends, 

who liked cooking in front of people with their open-concept kitch-

ens. Michele didn’t cook; she hired a chef. She believed kitchens 

belonged at the back of the house, and only the hired help needed 

to know what was going on inside them, not the guests. Although 

Evan had always tended to be more informal, he had to admit there 

was always something special about being invited to Michele’s 

house for a dinner party. They were civilized events to be remem-

bered.

Of course he’d never forget this particular party. When he 

went into the kitchen, he went directly to the freezer, pulled out 

an unopened bottle of the best vodka money can buy, and opened 

it so fast he almost twisted his wrist. He took one glance over his 

right shoulder and another to the left, and then he lifted the bottle, 

tilted his head back, and took a few swallows. The ice-cold booze 

went down so well, and he felt such a surge of calm rush through 

his body, he took a few more quick swallows and put the cap back 

on the bottle. He told himself that’s all he would drink for the rest 

of the night. He promised himself he’d only needed that quick 

taste to calm his nerves. All the excuses he’d made to himself in 

the past came rushing back and he didn’t think he’d done anything 

wrong. After all, they were all falling apart right before his eyes. If 

a person couldn’t take a small drink at a time like this, life simply 

wasn’t worth living.

He returned the open bottle of vodka to the freezer and pulled 

out another one that hadn’t been opened yet, and then he wiped 

his lips and went back into the living room to join his friends. He 

found them both on the sofa. Cadin was hugging Michele, and 

Evan felt a sting of guilt because he’d just taken a drink and they 

had no idea. He’d been an alcoholic long enough to hide what he’d 

just done; he could look anyone in the eye and swear he hadn’t 

been drinking. Like all alcohols, manipulation and lying became a 

way of life.

While they sat on the sofa eating caviar and chopped egg, Evan 

continued to make them martinis. By the time he’d finished mix-

ing the third pitcher, he poured himself a glass and sat down in an 

armchair on the other side of the sofa without thinking about it.

Cadin’s voice started to slur a little. He wasn’t drunk, but he 

wasn’t completely sober. “I swear to God this is the last time I’m 

introducing anyone to my family unless I know it’s the real thing.”

Michele frowned and finished her martini. “Well, I swear to 

God this is the last time I get involved with a guy without asking 

him on the first date if he likes to suck dick.”

Cadin laughed so hard he fell backward.

Evan lifted his martini glass, finished what was left, and said, 

“I think you should get it in writing, Michele.”

That remark should have made Cadin laugh harder. But he 

didn’t. When he saw Evan sitting across from him holding an 

empty martini glass, he frowned and said, “I can’t believe we let 

you do that.”

Michele sent him a look. “I wasn’t paying attention.” She 

closed her eyes and shook her head in a way that suggested utter 

disapproval.

Evan laughed. He hadn’t felt this good in months. “Calm down, 

guys. I’m good. I really am. I know how much I can handle. Seri-

ously.” With alcohol in his body he could talk himself into believ-

ing anything. He used to be able to talk other people into believing 

anything. But it didn’t seem to be working anymore—at least, not 

with the people who knew him the best.

 There was still a little martini left in his glass. Cadin reached 

for it and said, “You’ve had enough. I’m not going to sit here and 

watch all the hard work you’ve done vanish in one night.”

Evan stood up before he could take the glass. He went to the 

back of the sofa and Cadin followed him. “I’m fine, I really am. 

It’s only one little drink.”

Cadin started to shout at him. He grabbed his arm and tried to 

take the glass out of his hand with force. “Goddamn it, Evan. Give 

me the fucking glass.”

Evan pushed him away. He started to shout, too. “Give me a 

fucking break,” he said. “There’s no way I’m going to get through 

this night with fucking club soda. You two are melting down before 

my eyes, I’m now on the wrong side of thirty, my husband wants 

an open marriage, and the guy I’ve been seeing who I thought was 

so different just informed me he’s into three-ways. I need some-

thing to get through all that shit, and I’m going to have it.” Then he 

lifted the glass and finished what was left in it.

Cadin turned to Michele and said, “Do something. Say some-

thing.”

Michele stood and turned. “Don’t do this, Evan. You know you 

can’t drink anymore. When I picked you up, you told me in the car 

that you’d never go back to Havilland again.”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Evan said. “I’m tired of people 

telling me what to do. I’d like to be treated with a little respect just 

once in my life.”

Michele glared at him. “Then you need to earn it, because 

you’re not getting any respect from me if you start drinking again. 

I’m not joking this time, Evan. I can deal with a lot. I’m devastated 

right now about getting dumped by a guy I thought I was in love 

with. I know I’ll get over that eventually. But I’m not going to go 

through another round with you drinking.”

“Fuck you,” Evan said.

Then the doorbell rang and all three of them stopped talking. 

After a moment of silence, Evan said, “Is anyone going to answer 

that?” His tone had lifted; he sounded as good as he felt. He only 

wished they’d leave him alone and let him have just one or two 

drinks this one time.

Michele turned and walked toward a small hallway at the front 

of her apartment. From where they stood in the living room, they 

couldn’t see who was at the door. Evan hugged Cadin and said, 

“Stop being so serious. It’s going to be okay. I’m fine. I know what 

I’m doing.”

Cadin didn’t seem convinced. He didn’t return the hug.

A second later, Michele returned and said, “It’s Kenny and two 

friends.”

“Oh fuck,” Evan said. “I forgot to call Kenny and tell him 

the party is off.” He thought for a moment. He’d only had a few 

drinks; it wasn’t as though he was falling all over the place. While 

Michele stood there waiting for him to speak, he walked to the 

other side of the room, and said, “Just let them in. We’ll have our 

own little party.”

As Michele turned to get Kenny and his friends, Evan 

smoothed the front of his jacket and smiled at Cadin. “It’s fine, 

don’t worry. I’ll be the model dad. The GLAAD father of the year.”

Cadin didn’t reply. He stood there staring at him with an ex-

pression that suggested he wasn’t sure what to expect next.

Chapter Fourteen

The moment Evan saw Kenny and two other people enter the 

living room, his arms went up, he crossed the room to greet them, 

and he started speaking in that eager-to-please-everyone animated 

voice he only used when he’d been drinking. Although he’d never 

been able to judge himself in this respect, people had always told 

him he was a happy, playful drunk. At least in the beginning. The 

more he drank the nastier he tended to become.

“There you are.” He threw his arms around Kenny and hugged 

him.

Kenny seemed surprised, partly because Evan was so animated 

and partly because the room was virtually void of other party 

guests. “Where is everyone? Am I early?”

Evan winked at Michele, letting her know he would protect her 

secret about getting dumped. “There was a change of plans, sweet-

ie. I’ll tell you later.” He hugged him again and said, “But I’m so 

glad you’re here now.”

“It’s good to see you, too, Dad,” Kenny said, glancing over 

Evan’s shoulder at Cadin.

Evan turned to the people Kenny had brought to the party. For 

a moment, he couldn’t place them. Then it dawned on him these 

were the two young people he’d met in the restaurant that after-

noon when Evan had pretended to be Kenny’s older brother. He 

thought quickly and grabbed Kenny’s arm. “Do they know I’m 

your father, not your brother?” He didn’t feel like playing games 

that night.

Kenny laughed and said, “Yes. I told them the truth. They 

know you’re my dad.”

Evan’s arms went up again. “It’s Candy and Grayson.” He 

shook Candy’s hand and said, “I’ll bet you thought I’d forget your 

names. But I never forget a name or a face.” Then he turned to 

Grayson and hugged him. He squeezed young Grayson’s biceps, 

took a quick breath, and said, “And I’d never forget a big, strong, 

handsome guy like you.”

By that time, Kenny had walked to the other side of the liv-

ing room to where Michele was standing near the grand piano. 

Evan noticed they both had serious expressions and said, “What’s 

wrong? This is supposed to be a partly. You two look like it’s a 

funeral.”

They didn’t say anything.

On the other side of the room, Evan noticed Cadin standing 

beside the fireplace with the same ominous expression.

The only one in the room who seemed to be interested in hav-

ing fun was Grayson. He put his arm around Evan and said, “I 

couldn’t believe it when Kenny said you were his dad. It freaking 

blew me away. You’re so young and hot.”

Evan thought of something else that would blow him away, and 

in a more literal sense. But he didn’t want to embarrass his son—

he wasn’t that drunk yet. He patted Grayson’s stomach and said, 

“You be a good boy tonight, or else I’ll make you call me daddy.” 

Then he laughed and patted Grayson on the ass.

While everyone stood there waiting to see what his next move 

would be, Evan ignored them and he went over to the bar to mix 

another pitcher of martinis. “Who wants to join me? A guy only 

turns thirty once in a lifetime, after all.” It hadn’t occurred to him 

yet that this was the first time Kenny had seen him drink since he’d 

been discharged from Havilland. With that small amount of alcohol 

all the promises he’d made vanished.

That’s when Kenny grabbed his arm and said, “Dad, I want to 

talk to you in private. Let’s go into the kitchen.” He spoke softly, 

through his teeth, trying to maintain his dignity so his friends 

wouldn’t notice anything was wrong.

Evan noticed that handsome young Grayson had already found 

the free food. Candy just stood there with a smile, as if she didn’t 

know where to go. Evan hugged Kenny again and said, “I just want 

to tell you how much I love you. You’re the best son anyone could 

ever have. Sometimes I don’t think I say it often enough. And I 

want you to know how I feel.”

In a lame attempt to repair the awkwardness that filled the 

room, Michele jumped into the conversation and said, “I have tons 

of food in the kitchen. Help me bring it out, Evan. I’m sure Kenny 

and his friends are hungry.”

Evan reached for the pitcher and then a bottle of vodka. “I’ll be 

right there, sweetie. I want to make another pitcher of martinis.” 

She could be pushy that way, Michele. He wasn’t in the mood for 

it.

Cadin glared at him and said, “Knock it off, Evan.”

When Evan heard the serious tone in Cadin’s voice, he returned 

the glare and said, “Don’t you tell me what to do. How dare you? 

This is my party and I’ll do whatever the hell I want to do.” He 

wasn’t going to allow Cadin or anyone else to embarrass him in 

front of Kenny and his friends. Although he would one day look 

back on this night with utter shame, at the time he felt completely 

in control and he didn’t like the way his good friends were treating 

him in front of virtual strangers.

Candy stepped back and looked down at her shoes.

Grayson popped a caviar canapé into his mouth and reached for 

another.

Michele said, “Let’s get the food, Evan. You need to eat some-

thing.” It sounded more like a demand than a polite request. Now 

she was speaking through her teeth.

Evan poured the vodka right into his martini glass without 

bothering to mix it with anything. He took a gulp and pointed at 

Michele. “I’m getting a little fed up with you giving me orders, 

Michele. If you want the goddam food go get it yourself. I’m not 

hungry.” Then he slammed the glass on the bar so hard the stem 

shattered.

Everyone went silent; they stood there staring at him as if they 

were terrified of his next move. Poor Candy moved closer to the 

wall and folded her arms. Even Grayson stopped eating caviar. He 

swallowed and put his hands in his pockets.

When Evan realized what he’d done, he pressed his palms 

to his face and said, “Oh, I’m so sorry, Michele. I’ll clean it up.” 

He turned to Candy and laughed. “I guess I don’t know my own 

strength.”

“Never mind,” Michele said. “I’ll take care of it. I guess I 

shouldn’t have put out the Baccarat martini glasses.” She rolled her 

eyes in Cadin’s direction, which really made Evan’s face feel hot.

“I said I was fucking sorry,” Evan said. This need to impress 

and to brag about her crystal and other pretentious treasures had 

always irritated Evan. So in order to get even with her, he turned 

to Grayson and Candy and said, “It’s probably not Baccarat any-

way. I’ll bet it’s some cheap shit she bought at the dollar store like 

everything else in this fucking dump.” He knew this would bother 

her because nothing in that apartment was junk.

But after he said this, he regretted it. They all sent him such 

a collective glance of unmistakable pity he felt like picking up 

the shards of broken crystal and grinding them into his palms. He 

walked over to Michele and put his arm around her. “I’m sorry, 

sweetie. I didn’t mean that. I’ll buy you a whole new set.” He 

looked up and told everyone else, “She really does have Baccarat.”

Before Michele could reply, Kenny took Evan by the arm and 

said, “I think it’s time I took you home, Dad.”

“But the party is just beginning,” Evan said. He jerked away 

from his son and walked over to Grayson. He put his arm around 

Grayson’s waist and said, “I think we all need another drink. And 

this big strong guy hasn’t had anything to eat yet.”

Grayson shrugged. He put his arm around Evan and pulled him 

closer. “I’ll have a beer, man.”

Evan laughed and rested his head on Grayson’s chest. He liked 

men who drank beer. Although he wouldn’t have done anything 

with his son’s friend, he had to admit that receiving that kind of at-

tention on his thirtieth birthday from a younger man was flattering.

But Cadin didn’t seem to find this flattering or amusing. He 

glared at Evan again and said, “I think you should let Kenny take 

you home. There’s not going to be a party, Evan.”

Evan clenched his fists. “Don’t you ever tell me what to do, 

Cadin. When we met you were nothing but a goddamn construc-

tion worker from Brooklyn, and don’t you forget that.”

“How could I forget it?” Cadin asked.

Evan didn’t understand.

Cadin walked over to Evan, reached for his hands, and said, 

“I’ve always been in awe of you. If I hadn’t met you I don’t even 

want to think about what my life would be like now. You’re every-

thing I’ve always wanted to be. You’re talented, smart, and gor-

geous. When you want to be, you’re a great father, husband, and 

writer. I’m your biggest fan. But I’m not going to stand around 

and watch you self-destruct again.” He squeezed his hands tighter. 

“Not this time.”

Then Kenny said, “I want to find out what it is about drinking 

you love so much, Dad. I’m serious. I’ve never fully understood it. 

All those nights I heard you stumble home drunk and I would stay 

in bed, thankful you’d come home safe. That’s right, I heard it all, 

Dad. I didn’t miss a single thing. But I never understood it, and I 

want to know what it’s like. I need to know.” He walked to the bar 

and reached for the bottle of vodka Evan had left open.

Evan felt a pain deep in his stomach. Evidently, they were 

going to dig up the past. “I didn’t know that. I thought you were 

sleeping.” He thought he’d hidden all this from his son, at least 

most of it. He’d worked so hard at it all those years. And all this 

time Kenny had been listening and watching every move he’d 

made, just as he’d done with his own alcoholic father. Evan won-

dered what his psychiatrist at Havilland would say now, because he 

had no idea how to deal with it.

“It doesn’t matter,” Kenny said, with an expression of pure dis-

gust. “I’ll live. But I would like to know why you can’t live with-

out drinking.” He poured a full glass of vodka and stared at it.

Evan took a deep breath and exhaled. He walked over to the 

bar and said, “Don’t, Kenny. I’ll go home with you now. I’m sorry. 

We’ll talk about it in the morning.”

Kenny lifted the drink, stared at it, and hesitated. Then he put 

the drink down and said, “No more talking. I’m moving back to 

Dad’s tomorrow. I thought things had changed, but I guess I was 

wrong.”

Evan felt a sharp pain in his chest. He knew he’d fucked up 

and there was no turning back now. He looked up and glanced 

around the room. Candy and Grayson were sitting on the sofa, not 

sure where to look. Cadin was near the piano with his arm around 

Michele. For a moment, Evan felt a slight sense of relief. He knew 

his good friends would be there for him in spite of what he’d done 

that night. That’s how it had always worked. Kenny might not be 

able to forgive him for years to come, but Cadin and Michele un-

derstood him and they would never turn their backs on him. They 

might remain mad at him for a while, but never for long.

Then it dawned on him that his relationship with both Cadin 

and Michele might have been part of his problem. They were such 

good friends they never questioned him or gave him any ulti-

matums that lasted for long. They talked a good game, but they 

let him get away with anything. Here they were again: all three 

single, all three recently disappointed in relationships they prob-

ably knew wouldn’t work in the first place, and now they could 

all wallow in self-pity. In fact, all three of them were so fucked up 

that when they got together and sat around comparing sob stories, 

they seemed to feed on the negative things instead of the positive 

things. When Evan realized this was part of what he had been try-

ing to change in his life all along, he turned toward the front door 

and said, “Let’s go home, Kenny.”

Oh, he wanted to have another drink. He wasn’t drunk enough, 

not by any means. The craving overwhelmed him so much he felt 

weak in the knees. But he knew, deep down, that if he could refrain 

from having another drink that night he might be able to refrain for 

the rest of his life. And even though Kenny might never forgive 

him for this night, there might still be hope for the future. And that 

was about all he had left.

“You can stay here if you want,” Michele said. Her tone had 

softened by then. “I’ll make up the guest room.” She smiled at 

Kenny. “I’ll take care of him. Don’t worry.”

Cadin said, “It might be a good idea, Evan. We’ll make a pot of 

coffee and talk for a while.”

Evan walked over to them and hugged them both. He kissed 

them on the cheek and looked over his shoulder at Kenny. He 

loved his friends, but knew they were part of his problem. He 

smiled and said, “I think I’d rather go home with my son. I’ll be 

fine. That is if my son still wants to go home with me.”

At that moment, Kenny had been staring down at the floor, 

with his hands in his pockets and his head tilted to the side. It 

reminded Evan of the way he’d stood in line at school when he’d 

been a child. Evan used to walk him to school every morning and 

he’d kiss him good-bye at the gate. But Evan never left right away. 

Evan had stood behind a fence where no one could see him, watch-

ing his son get in line with the other kids, making sure he was 

safe. Not even Kenny knew this, and it was something Evan would 

never tell anyone.

Kenny looked up and sent Evan a smile. “Of course I want to 

go home with you.”

*****

When they were outside on the street, Kenny put Candy and 

Grayson in a taxi and told them he’d call them in the morning. 

Then Kenny and Evan started walking downtown, hoping to find 

another cab. There didn’t seem to be that many around, and those 

that passed were already occupied. So Kenny suggested they take 

the subway and Evan agreed it was the fastest way to get home. 

Evan could still feel the effect of the vodka he’d had, but not to 

the point of slurring his words or staggering while he walked. The 

worst part was he still wanted more, yet knew he couldn’t do that.

They didn’t speak much on the subway. They sat next to each 

other, facing forward with their hands on their laps during the ride 

downtown. Evan was too exhausted to talk about anything and 

Kenny seemed deep in thought. Evan had no idea what he was 

thinking and he didn’t want to push his luck anymore that night. 

He knew he’d disappointed his son, and he’d already accepted the 

fact that he might not be able to change his mind about moving 

back to Jeffery’s. But more important, Evan knew it might be the 

best thing for Kenny to move back with Jeffery.

When the subway dropped them off about three blocks from 

Evan’s apartment and they were on the street again, Evan reached 

for Kenny’s hand and said, “I’m really sorry about tonight. I know 

I can’t make it up to you. I know I said I’d never drink again. But 

everything just started to get too confusing. I wish I had an expla-

nation for you to make you understand. But I don’t.”

They’d just passed a group of three guys leaning against the 

side of a building with a long, narrow, dark alley. Evan had no idea 

that when he’d reached for Kenny’s hand one of the guys leaning 

against the building had seen him do this. Evan was still holding 

Kenny’s hand when the three guys walked up behind them and one 

of them said, “Isn’t this adorable? Two little fags walking hand in 

hand down the street.” He glanced at his two buddies, made a fist, 

brought it to his lips, and made a blow job gesture.

Kenny stopped and pulled his hand out of Evan’s.

Evan felt a lump in his throat and a surge of panic shot through 

his entire body. He turned and said, “This is my son, not my boy-

friend. Don’t be an asshole.”

The big guy with a deep voice grabbed Evan’s arm and 

laughed. “I’ll bet you’re a good daddy to your son. I’ll bet you take 

good care of your boy when you get down on your knees and suck 

his cock. You’ve got that kind of mouth, with those full lips that 

were made to suck cock.”

“Let go of me,” Evan said. “He is my son. We live a few blocks 

from here.” He worked hard to remain calm, trying not to antago-

nize them.

Kenny made a face and tightened his fists. “Let go of him.”

The last thing Evan wanted to see was his son get into a fight. 

He knew these guys were capable of serious harm. Their type had 

no regard for human life. All they wanted that night was something 

to amuse them.

They all laughed at Kenny and one of them pushed him back-

ward. He landed on the sidewalk and the biggest one grabbed the 

back of Evan’s neck and said, “This sure is one pretty daddy. I’ll 

bet he’ll know how to take good care of us.” He shook Evan and 

asked, “Don’t you? I’ll be you could take on me and my buddies.”

Kenny was still on the sidewalk. The other two guys wouldn’t 

let him get up. Each time he sat up, they pushed him backward 

with their feet.

Evan said, “Let him go. I’ll do whatever you want. Just don’t 

hurt him.”

Kenny stood up and pushed one of the guys into a street lamp. 

He looked at Evan and said, “No. I’m not going anywhere.”

One of the guys put his arm around Kenny and said, “I think 

this one wants to play. I’ll bet he knows how to take good care of 

a man, just like his daddy.” Then the other guy grabbed Kenny by 

the waist and pretended to fuck him from behind.

Evan felt his chest growing tighter and his face warmer. He’d 

walked down this street hundreds of times and nothing like this 

had ever happened to him. When Evan saw one of the guys put his 

hand on Kenny’s ass, something happened to him that was hard 

to explain. He remembered all the things he’d learned while he’d 

been at the boxing gym on Delancey Street. A good deal of the 

time he’d spent working out there he’d watched the amateur fight-

ers train. At the time he’d only watched because he it had aroused 

him to see cute sweaty guys bounce around in their boxing shorts 

with no shirts. He had no idea he’d been taking in their moves and 

learning how to fight at the same time. When the biggest guy tried 

to put his hand down the back of Kenny’s pants, Evan jerked side-

ways, braced for battle with both fists, and swung his right fist so 

hard and so fast, the big homophobic idiot never saw it coming.

Chapter Fifteen

When Jeffery arrived at the hospital, he found Evan and Kenny 

in the emergency room sitting side by side on a hospital bed in a 

small room draped off from other identical rooms with half cur-

tains. He said the police had notified him. They’d told him that 

Evan and Kenny had been involved in a street fight and they were 

being transported to the hospital.

For the first time in years, Evan saw panic on Jeffery’s hand-

some face. He must have been at a formal dinner that night be-

cause he was still wearing a tuxedo. When he walked into the small 

room and saw them both sitting on the bed with bandages and 

bloodstains on their clothes, he grabbed a metal table and his knees 

looked as if they were going to buckle.

Evan lifted his arms and said, “We’re okay. It’s not as bad as it 

looks. It could have been a lot worse.” The poor guy lost all color 

in his face.

“What happened?” Jeffery asked.

Kenny’s head went up. “You should have seen Dad fight. He 

kicked ass. Seriously.” He couldn’t speak clearly. His lip had been 

stitched and the swelling had not gone down. Though he’d stood 

and watched most of the fighting, he looked a little worse than 

Evan.

Jeffery walked over to the bed and lifted his arms as if to hug 

Kenny. He hesitated first, as if unsure about whether or not he 

could touch him. He glanced at Kenny’s bruised face and said, 

“My God. I didn’t know what to expect. The police just told me 

to come here.” Then he moved forward and hugged Kenny gently, 

barely touching him.

Evan reached for Jeffery’s arm and squeezed it lightly. Then he 

told Jeffery what had happened and shrugged. “I had to do some-

thing,” he said. When he thought about what they could have done 

to Kenny he still felt a pain in his gut. “So I did what I had to do.”

“I’d like to speak with the police,” Jeffery said.

“They took statements, asked for descriptions, and then left,” 

Evan said. “The guys who attacked us got away and there wasn’t 

much they can do. They said they’d be in touch.”

“I’ll call my attorney tomorrow,” Jeffery said. “I want those 

bastards to pay for this.”

Kenny’s swollen face took on an animated look. He was so 

excited he could hardly contain his emotions. “After Dad hit him, 

the big dude pulled a knife on us,” he said. “And dad freaking 

pulverized him. Dude, you should have seen it. Dad punched him 

in the gut, grabbed his arm, and twisted it behind his back so fast 

he didn’t know what to do.” Kenny laughed. “They never thought 

we’d fight back. But Dad really fucked them up.”

“Don’t use that language, Kenny,” Evan said. “It’s common.”

Jeffery put his arms around Evan this time and hugged him 

tighter than Kenny. What happened next sent a chill down Evan’s 

back. Jeffery rested his head on Evan’s shoulder and started to sob. 

“They could have killed you both. Why on Earth were you walking 

around that late? Why didn’t you at least take a cab? You know if 

you need a car I’ll send one at any time.”

Evan and Kenny exchanged a glance. Then Kenny said, “The 

party got canceled because Michele got dumped and we couldn’t 

find a cab. I was the one who made dDad take the subway. He 

didn’t want to and I forced him to do it.” Then he sent Evan a smile 

and winked. It was evident he didn’t want Jeffery to know about 

the argument or that Evan had been drinking that night.

But Evan smiled at his son and said, “That’s not exactly how it 

happened,” and then he told Jeffery the truth, from the drinks he’d 

had earlier that night to the scene he’d made at Michele’s house. 

He couldn’t let his son take the blame. If he hadn’t been drinking 

this might not have happened. “I’m not proud of what I did. And 

Kenny thinks it might be best all the way around if he moved back 

in with you permanently.”

Before Kenny or Jeffery could reply, the doctor came into the 

room to check them out before they could be discharged. She was 

a middle-aged woman with a pinched expression and it didn’t take 

long for her to pat them on the back and send them on their way. 

The emergency room was so crowded that night with other pa-

tients, there was no time for small talk.

When she left, Kenny jumped off the bed and Jeffery helped 

Evan get down. They hadn’t broken any bones, but Evan felt so 

sore he had trouble moving his legs. He tried to make light of his 

injuries but he continued to hold Jeffery’s arm until they were out 

on the street. He didn’t even complain when Jeffery helped him get 

into the Town Car he had waiting outside in front of the hospital. 

All Evan wanted to do was go home and get into bed and sleep for 

the next three days.

But Jeffery told the driver to take them to the townhouse, not 

back to Evan’s apartment. He turned to Evan and said, “I want you 

home, at least for tonight. No arguments.” From his deadpan tone, 

he meant business.

Evan wanted to go back to his apartment. But he didn’t want to 

bicker with Jeffery in front of Kenny, so he nodded, sat back in the 

seat, and looked out the window.

On the way to the townhouse, Jeffery asked more questions 

about what had happened that night. Then he said, “I want those 

criminals caught and arrested. I’ll hire a private detective if I have 

to.”

Kenny did most of the talking. “While Dad was kicking the shit 

out of them, some dude saw what was happening and he called the 

cops. One of them heard it and he grabbed the other guy and those 

two ran down an alley. But Dad was still pulverizing the big one, 

so he couldn’t get away. Finally he heard the sirens and he gave 

Dad a push and ran down the alley before the cops got there.”

Evan sighed. “The police are still looking. They said they 

might never find them.” He shrugged in defeat. “They said they’d 

stay in touch.”

Jeffery put his arm around Evan and pulled him closer. “I’m 

just glad no one got hurt. I don’t even want to think about what 

might have happened.”

When the car pulled up to the house, Kenny climbed out first 

and he opened the front door while Jeffery helped Evan climb up 

the front steps. It was one of those large townhouses made out of 

limestone, with a kitchen on the lower level and the living and for-

mal dining room on the main floor. There were six floors altogether 

and Jeffery had installed an elevator when they’d renovated it.

When they were inside, Kenny hugged them both and he went 

up to his bedroom. Evan wanted to go upstairs with him, but he 

insisted he was fine. He seemed to understand they needed to talk 

and he didn’t want to intrude. Before he went up, he hugged Evan 

one last time and said, “Thanks for saving me, Dad. Those guys 

could have killed us. You were freaking awesome. I’m not sure 

about moving out now.”

Evan hugged his son and said, “Let’s talk about it in the morn-

ing. It’s late, we’re exhausted, and we need to rest.” He didn’t want 

to get into this now. He still felt Kenny might be better off living 

with Jeffery after what had happened.

The moment Kenny disappeared from sight Jeffery led Evan 

into a large living room with stark modern furniture, gray marble 

floors, and mirrored tables. He put his arms around him, kissed him 

on the mouth, and held him so tightly the bruises on Evan’s face 

started to hurt. Evan sensed his shock and he did not complain. But 

he did step back when Jeffery tried to put his hands down the back 

of his pants.

“I’m sleeping in the guest room,” Evan said. “As much as I 

love you, I’m not sleeping with you anymore. Not ever again.” 

He’d come to the conclusion that there would be no more sex with 

Jeffery. This open marriage situation wasn’t working and he had 

no intention of living this way any longer. “I can’t do this, Jeffery. 

I think we should get a divorce and make a clean break. I’ll always 

love you, but I know I’ll never change you. It’s the best thing for 

all of us. I can’t do this to Kenny anymore either.” This part hurt 

so much Evan’s stomach ached, and not from the bruises he’d 

received that night. He’d always thought he might be the one man 

alive to change Jeffery. It was evident to him now that would not 

happen.

“It’s the boxing teacher, isn’t it?” Jeffery said. His head re-

mained down, and he couldn’t look Evan in the eye. “You’re in 

love with him.”

“Of course not,” Evan said. He almost laughed. “He’s a great 

guy, but I’m not in love with him. There’s no one else. I’m still in 

love with you. But nothing’s going to change.”

Jeffery lifted his head and looked him in the eye. He hesitated 

for a moment. Then he said, “I don’t want a divorce. I love you and 

I want my family together.”

Evan felt a sting in his eye. He didn’t want to cry, but couldn’t 

help it. He reached for Jeffery’s hand and held it. “There’s no other 

way. The way we are right now is killing me. And it’s not helping 

Kenny.”

“When the police called me tonight and told me what had hap-

pened I don’t think I’ve ever been that scared before,” Jeffery said. 

“And you know better than anyone that nothing scares me all that 

much. But this time I had no idea what I’d find in that hospital. The 

things that ran through my head were my worst nightmares. It’s a 

good thing I wasn’t driving because I would have been speeding 

on sidewalks. When I saw you both sitting there so helpless and 

bruised, I felt as if I’d been given a second chance.” He stopped 

talking long enough to get down on one knee. He glanced up 

at Evan and held both of his hands. “I want you to come home. 

Please don’t give up on our family or on me. I need you both. No 

more open marriage, no more playing around. I’ll do whatever you 

want.”

Evan’s eyes opened wider. It was the last thing he’d expected 

to hear. He slowly went down on his knees so he could look Jef-

fery in the eye. His husband looked so handsome and so vulnerable 

at that moment, Evan felt a tug in his chest. “Are you saying that 

if I move back, all this open marriage business is over for good? 

Because that’s the only way I can do it, Jeffery. I’m not cut out to 

share the man I love with other men. I know it works for some, but 

not for me. It’s as plain and simple as that.” He caressed Jeffery’s 

cheek and smiled. “And I do love you. I don’t even know how to 

tell you how much I love you.”

“I promise,” Jeffery said. “No more open marriage, no more 

screwing around with other guys. If that’s what it takes to get you 

home and get this family back together, that’s what I’ll do.”

Evan still wasn’t certain about this. He wasn’t sure if Jeffery 

could be monogamous. But he had to fight for his family and he 

had to take the chance. He was old enough now to have picked up 

a few things along the way. He knew nothing in life was perfect, 

and every marriage and relationship had a few flaws. So he put his 

arms around Jeffery and rested his head on his shoulder. He kissed 

Jeffery’s neck and said, “I’ll come home. I want to try to make it 

work, more than anything else. But I’m serious about the condi-

tions. I want monogamy or nothing.” He knew he could never 

change some things about Jeffery, but he had to know he would be 

monogamous.

Jeffery held him tighter and said, “I love you and I won’t let 

you down this time.”

“Are you really serious about this?” Evan asked, still not con-

vinced.

“I have never been more serious about anything in my life. I’ll 

do whatever it takes.”

A sharp pain shot up Evan’s leg, where one of the guys had 

kicked him during the altercation on the street. “I love you, too. 

But you’re killing my leg right now. I need to get to bed.”

As if he’d just realized Evan’s pain for the first time, Jeffery 

released him and stood up. He took off his tuxedo jacket, threw it 

on the floor, and bent down. He put one arm under Evan’s shoul-

ders and one under his legs, and then he lifted him up off the floor 

and said, “I’m so sorry. After what you’ve been through tonight I 

should have known better.”

Evan put his arms around his husband’s shoulders and laced 

his fingers together at the back of his neck. He kissed him and said, 

“Let’s go to bed now. We’ve both been through a lot tonight and 

you look exhausted.”

As Jeffery carried him to the elevator in the hallway, he didn’t 

seem exhausted. When the elevator door opened and they stepped 

inside, Jeffery turned sideways and Evan pressed the button that 

would lead them up to the fourth floor to the private master suite. 

When the door closed, they kissed until the elevator stopped and 

the door opened again. Jeffery carried him to the bed without mak-

ing a face or showing any signs of strain. Then Jeffery lowered him 

to the bed so gently Evan hardly felt the mattress when it touched 

his back.

When Jeffery reached down to unbuckle Evan’s pants, Evan 

threw his arms behind his head, stretched, and arched his back so 

Jeffery could pull his pants down. Although his body ached, he 

could deal with the pain this time. He didn’t crave a drink and he 

didn’t feel overwhelmed by anything. All he wanted that night, and 

for the rest of his life, was to be with his husband and his family, 

the only real dream he’d ever had.

THE END

About the Author

Ryan Field is the author of over 100 published works of LGBT 

fiction on goodreads.com, the best selling Virgin Billionaire 

series, a pg rated hetero romance that was featured on The 

Home Shopping Network titled, “Loving Daylight,” and a few 

more works of full length LGBT suspense with the pen name 

Dale Bishop. He’s worked in publishing for twenty years as a 

writer, editor, and associate editor. His work has been in Lambda 

Award winning anthologies and his most recent series for 

ravenousromance.com is concentrated on bad boy billionaire rakes 

and the men who love to love them. You can read more about him 

at www.ryan-field.blospot.com where he tries to post something 

new daily.

Copyright Information

A Ravenous Romance© Original Publication 

www.ravenousromance.com

Copyright © 2013 by Ryan Field

Ravenous Romance 

100 Cummings Center 

Suite 123A 

Beverly, MA

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in 

whole or in part without written permission from the publisher, 

except by reviewers who may quote brief excerpts in connection 

with a review.

ISBN-13: 978-1-60777-544-7

This book is a work of fiction, and any resemblance to persons 

living or dead is purely coincidental..