STEPBROTHERDEAREST

PenelopeWard

FirstEdition,September2014

Copyright © 2014by

PenelopeWard

Allrightsreserved.Thisbookoranyportionthereofmaynotbereproducednorusedinany
mannerwhatsoeverwithouttheexpresswrittenpermissionofthepublisherexceptforuseof
briefquotationsinabookreview.

Thisbookisaworkoffiction.Names,characters,places,andincidentseitherareproductsof
theauthor ’simaginationorareusedfictitiously.Anyresemblancetoactualpersons,living
ordead,events,orlocalesisentirelycoincidental.

CoverbyRBADesigns.Stockphoto©Shutterstock.com

TableofContents:

Chapter1
Chapter2
Chapter3
Chapter4
Chapter5
Chapter6
Chapter7
Chapter8
Chapter9
Chapter10
Chapter11

PARTTWO:
Chapter12
Chapter13
Chapter14
Chapter15
Chapter16
Chapter17
Chapter18
Chapter19
Chapter20
Chapter21
EPILOGUE

CHAPTER1

ColdairfoggedthebaywindowinourlivingroomasInervouslywaitedinfrontofitand

struggledtoseeoutside.Anyminutenow,Randy’sVolvostationwagonwouldbepullingintothe
driveway.He’dgonetoLoganAirporttopickuphisson,Elec,whowouldbelivingwithusforthe
nextyearwhilehismothertookayearlongwork-relatedassignmentoverseas.

Randyandmymother,Sarah,hadonlybeenmarriedacoupleofyears.MystepfatherandIgot

alongwellenough,butIwouldn’tsaywewereclose.Here’swhatlittleIknewaboutRandy’sformer
life:hisex-wife,Pilar,wasanEcuadorianartistbasedintheSanFranciscoBayarea,andhissonwas
atattooedpunkwho,accordingtoRandy,wasallowedtodowhateverhewanted.

Ihadn’tevermetmystepbrotherbeforeandhadonlyseenapictureofhimthatwastakena

fewyearsago,shortlybeforeRandymarriedmymother.Fromthepicture,Icouldseeheinherited
darkhair,probablyfromhisSouthAmericanmother,alongwithtannedskin,buthadRandy’slight
eyesandfinefeatures.Hewasclean-cutthen,butRandysaidElechadenteredintoarebelliousstage
asoflate.Thatincludedgettingtattooswhenhewasonlyfifteenandgettingintotroubleforunderage
drinkingandsmokingpot.RandyblamedPilarforbeingflightyandtoofocusedonherartcareer,
therebyallowingElectogetawaywithmurder.

RandyclaimedhehadencouragedPilartotakeatemporarypositionteachingclassesrunbya

LondonartgallerysothatElec,now17,couldcomelivewithus.

AlthoughRandytooktwoshorttripsoutwestayear,hewasn’tthereonadailybasisto

disciplineElec.Hestruggledwiththatandsaidhelookedforwardtotheopportunitytosethisson
straightoverthenextyear.

ButterfliesswarmedinmystomachasIstaredoutatthedirtysnowthatlinedmystreet.The

frigidBostonweatherwouldbearudeawakeningformyCalifornia-bredstepbrother.

Ihadastepbrother.
Thatwasaweirdthought.Ihopedwewouldgetalong.Asanonlychild,Ihadalwayswanteda

sibling.IlaughedathowstupidIwas,fantasizingthatthiswasgoingtobesomekindoffairytale
relationshipovernight,likefriggin’DonnyandMarieOsmondorJakeandMaggieGyllenhaal.This
morning,IheardanoldColdplaysongIneverevenknewexistedcalledBrothersandSisters.It’snot
aboutsiblingspersay,butIconvincedmyselfitwasagoodomen.Thiswasgoingtobeokay.Ihad
nothingtobescaredabout.

MymotherseemedjustasnervousasIwasassherepeatedlyranupanddownthestairstoget

Elec’sroomready.Shehadturnedtheofficeintoabedroom.MomandIhadgonetoWalmart
togethertobuysheetsandothernecessities.Itwasweirdpickingstuffoutforsomeoneyoudidn’t
know.Wedecidedondarknavybedding.

Istartedmutteringtomyself,thinkingaboutwhatIwouldsaytohim,whatwewouldtalk

about,whatIcouldintroducehimtohere.Itwassortofexcitingandnerve-wrackingatthesametime.

Acardoorslammed,promptingmetojumpupfromthecouchandstraightenmywrinkled

shirt.

Calmyourself,Greta.
Thekeymadeaturningsound.Randywalkedinaloneandleftthedoorcrackedopen,

allowingthefreezingairtoseepintotheroom.Afterafewminutes,Icouldhearfeetcrunchingon
thesheetoficethatcoveredthewalkwaybutnoElecyet.Hemusthavestoppedoutsidebefore
entering.Randystuckhisheadbackoutthedoor.“Getyourassinhere,Elec.”

Alumpformedinmythroatwhenheappearedatthedoorway.Iswallowedhardandtookhim

inforafewseconds,myheartpoundingharderandharderastherealizationhitthathelooked
nothinglikethepictureshowntome.

ElecwastallerthanRandy,andtheshorthairIrememberedfromthephotowasnowatousled

inkyblackmessnearlycoveringhiseyes.Hesmelledofcigarettes,ormaybeitwaspipesmoke
becauseitwassweeter.Achainhungfromhisjeans.Hewouldn’tlookatme,soIusedtheopportunity
tocontinueexamininghimashedumpedhisbagonthefloor.

Thud.
Wasthatmyheartorthebag?
HelookedoveratRandy,andhisvoicewasgravelly.“Where’smyroom?”
“Upstairs,butyou’renotgoinganywhereuntilyousayhellotoyoursister.”
EverymuscleinmybodytightenedasIcringedattheterm.TherewasnowayIwantedtobe

hissister.Forone,whenheturnedtome,helookedlikehewantedtokillme.Andtwo,onceIgotmy
firstlookathischiseledface,itbecameabundantlyclearthatwhilemymindwaswaryofhim,my
bodyhadbeeninstantlyputunderaspell,oneIwouldhavegivenanythingtocomeoutfromunder.

Hiseyesboreintominewithdaggersinthem,andhedidn’tsayanything.Itookafewsteps

forward,swallowedmyprideandreachedoutmyhand.“I’mGreta.Nicetomeetyou.”

Hesaidnothing.Severalsecondspassedbeforehereluctantlytookmyhand.Hisgripwas

uncomfortablyhard,almostpainfulbeforehequicklyreleasedit.

Icoughedandsaid,“Youlookdifferent…thanIpictured.”
Hesquintedatme.“Andyoulookpretty…plain.”
Mythroatfeltlikeitwasgoingtocloseup.Foraquicksecond,Ithoughthewaspayingmea

complimentbeforehefollowedtheword“pretty”with“plain.”Thesadpartwas,ifyou’daskedme
howstandingacrossfromhimmademefeel,“plain”mighthavebeenthetermIwouldhaveused.

Hiseyeswerelookingmeupanddownwithanice-coldstare.DespitethefactthatIdetested

hispersonality,Iwasstillinaweofhisphysicallikeness,andthatsickenedme.Hisnosewasperfectly
straight,andhisjawwasdefined.Hislipswereperfect—tooperfect—forthefilthIwassurecameout
ofthem.Physically,hewasmydreamandineveryotherway,mynightmare.Still,Irefusedtolethim
seethathiswordshadaneffectonme.

“Wouldyoulikemetoshowyoutoyourroom?”Iasked.
Heignoredme,liftedhisbagsandheadedtowardthestairs.
Great.Thiswasgoingwell.
MymothercamedownthestairsandimmediatelypulledElecintoahug.
“It’ssonicetofinallymeetyou,honey.”
Hisbodystiffenedbeforeherippedhimselfawayfromher.“WishIcouldsaythesame.”
Randystormedtowardthestairspointinghisfinger.“Cuttheshit,Elec.YousayhellotoSarah

inadecentway.”

“HellotoSarahinadecentway,”Elecrepeatedinamonotonevoiceashewalkedupthestairs.
MymotherputherhandonRandy’sshoulder.“It’sokay.He’llwarmup.Lethimbealone.

Thiscross-countrymovecan’tbeeasy.Hedoesn’tknowmeyet.He’sjustalittleapprehensive.”

“Alittledisrespectfulprickiswhatheis.”
Whoa.
Ihadtosay,IwassurprisedtohearRandyspeakingthatwayabouthissonregardlessofhow

badlyElecwasacting.Mystepfatherhadneverusedwordslikethatwithme,althoughIhadnever
reallydoneanythingtodeserveit.ButElecwasbeingadisrespectfulprick.

Thatnight,Elecstayedbehindcloseddoors.Randywentinthereonce,andIheardthem

arguing,butMomandIdecidedtoletthemhashitoutandstayedoutofwhateverwasgoingon
betweenthem.

Onmywayuptobed,Icouldn’thelpstoppingtostareatElec’sclosedbedroomdoor.I

wonderedifhisalienatinguswasindicativeofhowtheentireyearwouldgoorifhewouldevenlast
theentireyearhere.

Planningtobrushmyteeth,IopenedthebathroomdoorandjumpedatthesightofElec

wipinghiswetbodydownfromtheshower.Steamandthesmellofmen’sbodywashfilledtheair.
ForsomeGodforsakenreason,insteadofrunningout,Ifroze.Moredisturbing,insteadofcovering
himselfwiththetowel,heletitfallnonchalantlytothefloor.

Mymouthdropped.
Myeyeswerenowgluedtohiscockforafewsecondsbeforemygazetraveleduptothetwo

shamrocksinkedonhisrippedtorsoandthentothefullsleevetattooonhisleftarm.Hischestwas
drippingwithwater.Hisleftnipplewaspierced.Bythetimemyeyeslandedonhisface,theywere
metwithanevilsmirk.Itriedtospeak,butthewordsjustwouldn’tcomeout.

Finally,Iwhippedmyheadawayandsaid,“Uh…OhmyGod…I…I’mso…Ibetterleave.”
AsIturnedaroundtoheadoutthedoor,hisvoicestoppedmeinmytracks.“Youactlike

you’veneverseenaguynakedbefore.”

“Actually…Ihaven’t.”
“Howdisappointingforyou.It’sgonnabereallyhardforthenextguytomeasureup.”
“Cockymuch?”
“Youtellme.Don’tIdeservetobe?”
“God…you’reactinglike—”
“Agiantdick?”
Itwaslikeabadcaraccidentimpossibletoturnawayfrom.Iwaslookingdownathimagain.

Whatwaswrongwithme?Hewasstarknakedinfrontofme,andIcouldn’tmove.

Holyhell…histipwaspierced.Whatawaytobeintroducedtomyfirstliveone.
Hebrokemystare.“There’sreallynowheretogofromhere,sounlessyou’replanningon

doingsomething,youshouldprobablyleaveandletmefinishgettingdressed.”

Ishookmyheadindisbeliefandslammedthedoorshutbehindme.
MylegswereshakingasIfledtomyroom.
Whatjusthappened?

CHAPTER2

“Howisstepbrotherdearesttoday?”Victoriaasked.
ThebedsqueakedasIploppedonmystomachandsighedintothephone.“Uptohisusual

assholery.”

Ihadn’ttoldmybestfriendVictoriaaboutElec’sshowandtellinthebathroomFridaynight.It

embarrassedmetonoend,andIdecidedtokeepittomyself.AGooglesearchofpiercedpenises
endedupkeepingmeuptherestofthatfirstnight.Letmetellyou,anyonewhoinnocentlysearches
“PrinceAlbert”isinforabigsurprise.

ItwasnowSunday,andtomorrowElecwouldbestartingatmyhighschoolwherewewould

bothbeseniors.Soonenough,everyonewouldgettomeetmyjerkystepbrother.

Victoriasoundedshocked.“He’sstillnotspeakingtoyou?”
“No.Hecamedownstairstopoursomecerealthismorningandbroughtitbacktohisroom.”
“Whydoyouthinkhehassuchastickuphisass?”
Youshouldseehisotherstick.
“Something’sgoingonbetweenhimandRandy.I’mtryingnottotakeitpersonally,butit’s

hard.”

It’shardalright.God,Ican’tgetitoutofmyhead!
Piercedmushroomhead.
Shit.
“YouthinkIwouldlikehim?”Victoriaasked.
“Whatdoyoumean?Itoldyou…he’sthedevil,”Isnapped.
“Iknow…butdoyouthinkIwouldlikehim?”
Honestly,IknewhewasexactlyVictoria’stype.Sheloveddarkandbroodingguysevenwhen

theyweren’tasgood-lookingasElec.ThiswasanotherreasonIhadtokeepthedetailsofthe
bathroomencountertomyself.Allsheneededtohearwasthathiscockwaspierced,andI’dneverget
heroutofmyhouse.Butshe’dfindoutwhathelookedlikesoonenough,soIfiguredI’dbehonest.

“He’sreallyhot,okay?Really…fucking…hot.Infact,hislooksarejustabouttheonlything

hehasgoingforhim.”

“Okay,I’mcomingover.”
“No,you’renot.”Ilaughed,butdeepdown,theideaofVictoriathrowingherselfatElecmade

mereallyuncomfortableevenifIdidn’tthinkhe’dreturntheattention.

“Whatareyourplansfortonight,then?”
“Well,beforeIactuallymethimandrealizedhewasanasshat,Iwassupposedtobemaking

Sundaydinnerforallofus.Youknow…myonespecialty.”

“ChickenTetrazzini.”
IlaughedbecauseitwastheonlythingIknewhowtomakewell.“Howdidyouguess?”
“Maybeyoucanserveupacanofwhoopassonthesideforstepbrotherdearest.”
“I’mnotengaginghim.I’mgonnakillhimwithkindness.Idon’tcarehowmuchofa…dick…

(ohgoodness)hewantstobetome.TheworstthingIcandoislethimthinkhe’saffectingme.”

***

MomhelpedmesetthetablewhilewewaitedfortheTetrazzinitobake.Mystomachwas

growling,butitwasmorenervesratherthanthesmellofcreamsauceandgarlicemanatingfromthe

oven.Ireallywasn’tlookingforwardtosittingacrossthetablefromElec,thatis,ifheevenagreedto
joinus.

“Greta,whydon’tyougoupstairsandseeifyoucangethimtocomedown.”
“Whyme?”
Mymotherscrewedopenabottleofwine.Shewastheonlyonewhowouldbedrinking,and

shelikelyneededit.Shepouredalittle,tookasipthensaid,“Look,Icanunderstandwhyhedoesn’t
likeme.Heseesmeastheenemyandprobablyblamesmeinsomewayforhisparentsnotbeing
together,butthereisnoreasonforhimtobetreatingyoupoorly.Justkeeptryingtogetthroughto
him,seeifyoucangethimtoopenupalittle.”

Ishrugged.Shehadnoideahowalloutintheopenthingswereinthebathroomtheother

night:ballstothewallopen.

AsIwalkedupthestairs,thethemesongtoJawsrangoutinmyhead.Thethoughtof

knockingonhisdoorterrifiedme,andIdidn’tknowwhatIwouldbefacedwithifheevenopenedthe
door.

Iknocked.
Tomysurprise,heopenedrightaway.Aclovecigarettewashangingoutofhismouth.The

sweetsmellofthesmoketraveledquicklyupmynostrils.Hetookalongdragthenslowlyand
intentionallyblewthesmokerightinmyface.Hisvoicewaslow.“What?”

Itriedtoseemunaffecteduntilanuncontrollablehackingcoughbrokeout.
Verycool,Greta.
“Dinnerisalmostready.”
Hewaswearingatight,whiteribbedtanktop,andmyeyesdrifteddowntoatattoothatsaid

“Lucky”ononeofhismuscularbiceps,whichwasnowleaningagainstthedoor.Hishairwaswet,
andhisjeanshunglow,showcasingthetopofthewhiteboxerbriefsunderneath.Hissteelygrayeyes
staredintomine.Hewasbreathtaking…forabastard.

Ihadzonedoutwhenhesaid,“Whyareyoulookingatmelikethat?”
“Likewhat?”
“Likeyou’retryingtorememberwhatIlookedliketheothernight…likeyou’dratherhave

mefordinner.”Hesnickered.“Andwhyareyouwinkingatme?”

Shit.MyeyetwitchedwheneverIwasnervousandmadeitlooklikeIwaswinking.
“It’sjustatwitch.Getoveryourself.”
Hisexpressionturnedangry.“Really?ShouldI?MylooksareallIhavegoingforme,right?

So,Ishouldcapitalizeonthat.”

Whatwashetalkingabout?Istoodtherespeechless.
Hecontinued,“What’sthematter…toohotinhereforyou?Then,hesaidinamockingtone,

“So…fucking…hot.”Heflashedawickedsmile.

Shit.
ThoseweretheexactwordsIhadusedtodescribehimonthephonetoVictoriaearlier.
Hehadbeeneavesdroppingonmyconversation!
Myeyetwitched.
Hecontinued,“You’rewinkingatmeagain.AmImakingyounervous?Lookatyourface!

Red’sagoodcoloronyou.”

Iimmediatelylefttogobackdownstairs.
Heyelledafterme.“We’llmatch,seeingasthoughI’mtheDEVIL!”

***

ElecpickedathismealwithoutsayingawordasIfixatedonhislipring.Randywas

glancingoverathimwithalookofdisdain.Mymotherrefilledherwineglassmorethanonce.Yup,
ourveryownversionoftheBradyBunch.

IpretendedtobeenjoyingtheTetrazziniwhileruminatingoverthefactthathe’doverheard

metalkingabouthimthatwayandtherefore,nowknewIwasattractedtohim.

Momwasthefirsttospeak.“Elec,whatdoyouthinkofBostonsofar?”
“SeeingasthoughI’veventurednowherebutthishouse,itsucksass.”
Randyslammedhisforkdown.“Canyoushowsomerespecttoyourstepmotherforfive

seconds?”

“Thatdepends.Canshestopboozingitupforthesameamountoftime?Iknewyoumarrieda

cheater,Daddy,butalush,too?”

“Youworthlesspieceofshit,”Randyspewed.
Whoa.
Onceagain,Randyhadflooredmewithhischoiceofwordstowardhisson.Elecwassurely

beinganasshole,butitstillshockedmetohearthatkindoflanguagecomingoutofmystepfather ’s
mouth.

Elec’schairskiddedbackashethrewhisnapkinonthetableandgotup.“I’mdone.”He

lookedoveratme.“TheTittyZinniorwhateverthefuckit’scalledwaswonderful,sis.”Theword
“sis”hadrolledoffhistonguewithsarcasm.

Afterheleftthetable,thesilencewasdeafening.MymotherputherhandonRandy’s,andI

wasleftponderingwhatcouldhavehappenedbetweenElecandhisfathertocausesucharift.

Iimpulsivelygotupandwalkedupstairs.MyheartwaspoundingasIknockedonElec’sdoor.

Hedidn’tanswer,soIslowlyturnedtheknobandfoundhimsittingattheedgeofhisbedsmokinga
clovecigarette.Hehadheadphonesonandhadn’tseenmeenter.Istoodjustpastthedoorwayand
observedhim.Hewasbouncinghislegsnervously,lookingfrustratedanddefeated.Eventually,heput
thecigaretteoutonlytoimmediatelyreachintohisdrawerandgrabanotherone.

“Elec,”Ishouted.
Hejumpedandremovedhisheadphones.“Thefuck?Youscaredtheshitoutofme.”
“Sorry.”
Helitthecigaretteandgesturedtowardthedoor.“Leave.”
“No.”
Herolledhiseyesandshookhisheadslowly,returningtheheadphonestohisearsandtaking

alongdrag.

Isatdownnexttohim.“Thosearegonnakillyou.”
Smokebillowedfromhismouthashesaid,“Perfect.”
“Youdon’tmeanthat.”
“Pleaseleavemealone.”
“Okay,fine.”
Ilefttheroomandwentbackdownstairs.Seeinghimlookingsodownwhenhedidn’tknowI

waswatchinghimmadememoredeterminedthanevertobreakthroughtohimsomehow.Ineededto
knowifthiswasjustafaçadeorifheweretrulyagenuineasshole.Themeanerhewastome,the
moreIwantedtomakehimlikeme.Itwasachallenge.

IreturnedtothekitchenandaskedRandyforElec’scellphonenumberbeforeprogrammingit

intomyphone.Ithentypedoutatext.

Youdon’twanttotalk,soI’lltext.

Elec:Howdidyougetmynumber?

Greta:Yourfather.

Elec:Fuckhim.

IdecidedtochangethesubjectoffofRandy.

Greta:Didyouenjoythemeal?

Elec:Scramblethelettersofmeal.YougetLAME.Yourmeal=lame.

Greta:Whyareyousomean?

Elec:Whyareyousolame?

Whatajackass.Thiswasgoingnowhere.Ithrewthephoneonthecounterandmarchedupthe

stairs.Now,he’dputmeinthemoodtodosomethingthatwouldpisshimoff.

HewasstillsittingonthebedsmokingwhenIopenedthedoorafterneglectingtoknock.I

headedstraightforthedrawer,grabbedhisboxofcigarettesandranout.

Iwaslaughingallthewaybacktomyroom.Thatis,untilmydoorburstopen.Iquickly

stuffedthecigarettesintomyshirt.Eleclookedreadytomurderme,althoughadmittedly,theglarein
hisglowingeyeswasprettysexy.

“Givethemtome,”hesaidthroughgrittedteeth.
“I’mnotgivingthembacktoyou.”
“Yesthefuckyouare,orI’mreachingintoyourshirtandgettingthem.Youchoose.”
“Seriously,whydoyousmoke?It’ssobadforyou.”
“Youcan’tjuststealmyshit.Butthenagain,likemother,likedaughter.”
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“Goaskyourmother,”hemutteredunderhisbreath.Heheldouthismuscular,tattooedarm.

“Givememycigarettes.”

“Notuntilyouexplainwhyyoujustsaidthat.Shedidn’tstealRandy.Yourparentswere

divorcedbeforemymomevenmetyourdad.”

“That’swhatRandywantsyoutobelieve.Shewasprobablyfuckingaroundonyourfather

too,right?Poorgulliblebastard.”

“Don’tcallmyfatherabastard.”
“Well,wherewashewhenSarahwasfuckingmyfatherbehindmymother ’sback?”
Mybloodwasstartingboil.Hewasgoingtobesorryforasking.“Sixfeetunder.Myfather

diedwhenIwasten.”

Hewassilentthenrubbedhistemplesinfrustration.HistoneeasedforthefirsttimesinceI’d

methim.“Fuck.Ididn’tknowthat,okay?”

“There’salotyou’reprobablyassuming.Ifyou’djusttalktome…”
Elecalmostlookedlikehewasgoingtoapologize.Almost.Then,heshookhisheadand

turnedrightbackintoevilMr.Hyde.“I’llbefuckingdamnedifIhavetotalktoyou.Givememy
cigarettes,orI’mrippingthemoutofyourshirt.”

Mybodybuzzedwhenhesaidit.Whatwaswrongwithme?Apartofmewantedtoseewhat

thatwouldbelike,hisroughhandspullingatthematerialonmyshirt,rippingitoff.Ishookmyhead

toridthethoughtandbackedawayasheslowlyapproached.Hewasjustinchesfrommenow.The
heatradiatedfromhisbodyashemovedupagainstme,squishingthecigaretteboxintomychest.My
nipplesinstantlyturnedtosteel.Ihadneverfeltsooutofcontrolofmyownbodyandwassilently
beggingittostopreactingsointenselytowardhim.Let’sfaceit.Mybodywasanimbecilewithpoor
judgment.Howcoulditwantsomethingsobadlythathateditrightback?

Hisbreathsmelledlikeclove.“Thatwasthelastpackageofthatbrand.They’reimportedfrom

Indonesia.Idon’tevenknowwheretobuythemhereyet.IfyouthinkI’mdifficulttodealwithnow,
you’renotgonnawanttoseewhatI’mlikewithnocigarettestonight.”

“They’resobadforyou.”
“AskmeifIgiveashit,”hesaiduncomfortablyclosetomymouth.
“Elec…”
Hebackedupafewinches.“Look…smokingistheonlythingthathasbroughtmeanypeace

sincewalkingintothishellhole.Now,I’maskingnicely.Please.”

Hiseyessoftened,andwitheachsecondthatpassed,myresolveweakened.“Okay.”Hisgaze

followedmyhandasIreachedintomybraforthecigarettes.Ihandedthemtohimandinstantlyfelt
thecoldairreplacetheheatofhisbodyashewalkedaway.

IfIthoughtgivinghimbackthecigaretteswouldinitiateatruce,Iwaswrong.
Heturnedaroundonelasttimetofaceme,andhiseyeswerenolongersoft.Theywere

piercing.“You’regonnapayforthat.”

CHAPTER3

ThestartofschoolwentexactlythewayIexpected.Elecignoredmeanytimewewereinthe

sameclassorinthecafeteria.Girlsflockedaroundhimeverywherehewent,andheinstantlybecame
popularwhilebarelyhavingtosayaword.ProbablytheleastsurprisingdevelopmentwasVictoria’s
covetousreactiontohim.

“Whatdoyouthinkmychancesare?”
“Ofwhat?”
“OfbaggingElec.”
“Don’tgetmeinvolvedinthatventure,please.”
“Whynot?Irealizeyoudon’tgetalongwithhim,butyou’remyonlyin.”
“Hehatesmyguts.HowamIgoingtobeabletohelpyouwiththis?”
“Youcouldinvitemeover,setitupsowe’reallinthesameroomandthenleaveusalone.”
“Idon’tknow.Youdon’tunderstandhowheis.”
“Imean,Iknowyoudon’tgetalongwithhim,butdoesitreallybotheryouifItrytomakea

move?ItmightactuallyhelpyourrelationshipwithhimifIendedupdatinghim.”

“Idon’tthinkElecisthedatingtype.”
“No…he’sthefuckingtype,andthat’sokaywithme,too.I’lltakethat.”
Myheartwasbeatingfaster,andIhatedmyselfforit.EverytimeVictoriawouldbringthisup,

itmademeinsanelyjealous.ItwaslikeasecretstruggleIwasconstantlybattling.Icouldneveradmit
thistoanyone.Whichpartbotheredmemostwasunclear.Wasitthethoughtofmyfriendscrewing
Elec,gettingtotouchhimandlivingoutmydarkestfantasy?Thatbotheredme,sure,butIthinkwhat
upsetmethemostwasthethoughtofElecconnectingonadeeperlevelwithsomeoneelsewhilehe
continuedtoapparentlydespiseme.

IhatedthatIcared.
Iliftedmybackpackoutofmylocker.“You’recrazy.Canwepleasechangethesubject?”
“Okay.IheardBentleywantstoaskyouout.”
Islammedthelockerharduponthatnews.“Fromwhom?”
“Hetalkedtomybrotheraboutit.Hewantstoaskyoutothemovies.”
Bentleywasoneofthepopularpreppieguys.Icouldn’tfigureoutwhyhewouldbeinterested

inmesinceheusuallydatedgirlsfromhisowncrowd.Ididn’treallybelongtotheirgrouporany
groupforthatmatter.TherewerethepeoplelikeBentleyfromtherichsideoftowninoneclique.
Then,thereweretheartsyandtheatricalones.Then,youhadtheinternationalexchangestudents.
Then,therewerethosewhowerejustpopularbecausetheyweregood-looking,intriguingoracted
out(Elec).VictoriaandIweresortofinaclassofourown.Wegotalongwitheveryone,gotgood
gradesandstayedoutoftrouble.Unlikemybestfriend,though,Iwasavirgin.

I’donlyhadoneboyfriend,Gerald,whoendedupbreakingupwithmebecauseIwouldn’tlet

himgetpasttouchingmyboobs.WordgotoutthatIwasavirginandcertainpeoplearoundschool
wouldjokeaboutitbehindmyback.WhileIstillsawGeraldinthehallsfromtimetotime,Itriedto
avoidhim.

Victoriasnappedhergum.“So,anyway,ifheasksyouout,weshouldtotallyinviteElec.He

couldgowithme,andyoucouldgowithBentley.Wecouldgoseethatnewscarymovie.”

“No,thanks.LivingwithElecisallthescaryIneed.”

***

Mywordswouldcomebacktohauntmethenextmorning.Iwasgettingdressedforschool,

andwhenIopenedmyunderweardrawer,itwasempty.

Ithrewonsomeyogapantscommando-styleandmarchedintoElec’sroomashewasputting

onashirt.

“Whatthehelldidyoudowithmyunderwear?”
“Itdoesn’tfeelgoodwhensomeonetakesyourshit,doesit?”
“Itookoneboxofcigarettesforlessthanfiveminutesandgaveitrightback,bytheway.You

tookeverysinglepieceofunderwearIown!There’salittlebitofadifferencethere.”

Icouldn’tbelieveIassumedhewasn’tgoingtogetbackatmeforthatone.Lately,hehadbeen

ignoringmeespeciallywell,andIjustassumedallwasforgotten.

Istartedsearchinghisdrawers.Myhandquicklyretractedaftertouchingastripofcondoms.
“Youcanlookinherealldayuntilthesungoesdown.They’renotinhere.Don’twasteyour

time.”

“You’dbetternothavethrownthemout!”
“Thoseweresomehotpieces.Icouldn’tdothat.”
“That’sbecausetheycostafortune.”
GoodunderwearwasprobablytheonlythingIsplurgedon.Eachandeverypaircamefroma

priceyonlinelingerieboutique.

AsIkneltdowntolookunderhisbed,helaughed.“Youhaveawedgie,bytheway.”
Ileaptupandclenchedmyteeth.“That’swhathappenswhenyoudon’thaveanyfucking

underwear!”

Iwantedtopickitsobadly,butthatwouldhavemadethisworse.Istooduptofacehim.
Elecgavemeaonce-over.“You’llgetthembackwhenI’mreadytogivethemtoyou.Now,if

you’llexcuseme…”Hebrushedpastmeandrandownthestairs.

Ididn’tevenbothertostophimbecausehewasn’tgoingtobudge.IwenttoTargetontheway

toschoolandboughtcheapiepantiesuntilIcouldfigureouthowtogetmineback.

Icamehomefromschoolthatdayinareallyanxiousmood.Betweenthemissingunderwear

andmyactuallygettingaskedoutbyBentley,Iwasseriouslyinneedoficecream—notjustanyice
cream,butthehomemadekindI’dmakeoccasionallyonthemachineIgotforChristmaslastyear.

IdumpedeverypieceofleftoverHalloweencandyintoitandendedupwithadelectable

Snicker,Heathbar,AlmondJoyconcoctionwithavanillabase.

Onceitwasready,Isatdownatthecounterwithmygiganticbowlandclosedmyeyes,

savoringeachbite.

Thefrontdoorslammedandshortlyafter,Elecstrolledintothekitchen.Thescentofclove

cigarettesandcolognewaftedintheair.Ihatedhissmell.

Ifuckinglovedhissmell,wantedtodrowninit.
Asusual,heignoredme,justheadedtotherefrigerator,tookoutthemilkanddrankitstraight

fromthecarton.Heeyedmyicecreamandwalkedovertome,takingthespoonoutofmyhand.He
placeditinhismouth,devouringahugedollop.Themetalfromhislipringclinkedagainstthespoon
thathelickeduntilitwasdry.Myinsideswerequiveringfromjustwatchingit.Then,hehandedthe
spoonbacktome.Histonguelightlybrushedacrosshisteethlikeasnake.Evenhisgoddamnteeth
weresexy.

Iopenedthedrawer,grabbedanotherspoonandgavehimhisown.Webothstartedeatingout

ofmybowlwhilesayingnothingtoeachother.Suchasimplething,butmyheartwasbeatingamilea
minute.Thiswasthelongestamountoftimehe’deverwillinglygracedmewithhispresence.

Finally,inthemiddleofabite,helookedatme.“Whathappenedtoyourfather?”

Iswallowedmyicecreamandtriedtofighttheemotionscreepingup.Hisquestioncaughtme

totallyoffguard.Irestedmyspooninthebowl.“Hediedoflungcancerat35.He’dbeensmoking
sincehewas12.”

Heclosedhiseyesbrieflyandnoddedtohimselfinunderstanding.Heobviouslynowrealized

whyI’dhatedhissmokingsomuch.

Afterseveralsecondsofsilence,hewaslookingdownatthebowlwhenhesaid,“I’msorry.”
“Thanks.”
Wecontinuedsharingtheicecreamuntiltherewasnothingleft.Electookthebowlfromme,

washeditinthesink,wipeditandputitaway.Hethenlefttogobackupstairswithoutsayinganything
else.

Istayeddownstairsinthekitchenaloneforawhilereplayingthatstrangeencounter.His

interestinmyfatherreallysurprisedme.Ialsothoughtagainaboutwhenhefirstlickedmyspoon
andhowI’dfeltwhenIlickeditafter.

Myphonechimed.ItwasatextfromElec.

Thanksfortheasscream.Itwasreallygood.

WhenIreturnedtomyroomthatafternoon,asinglepairofmyunderwearwasneatlyfolded

onmydresser.Ifthiswerehisversionofextendinganolivebranch,I’dtakeit.

***

The“sweet”Elecwasshort-lived.Afewdaysafterouricecreamsocial,heshowedupatthe

caféwhereIworkedrightinthemiddleoftheafterschoolrush.KiltCaféwasdownthestreetfrom
ourhighschoolandservedthingslikesandwiches,saladsandcoffee.

IfElec’sshowingupwasn’tbadenough,he’dbroughtwithhimprobablythemostbeautiful

girlinourentireschool.Leilawasplatinumblondeandtallwithhugebreasts.Shewasthetotal
oppositeofmelooks-wise.Ihadmoreofadancerorgymnast’sbody.Mylongstrawberry-blonde
hairwaspokerstraightandsimpleasopposedtoherbig,bouncyTexas-styledo.You’dthinkshe’dbe
abitchbecauseofherlooks,butshewasactuallyreallynice.

Leilawaved.“Hey,Greta.”
“Hey,”IsaidasIplacedtheirmenusdown.Elecgavemefleetingeyecontactbutwastrying

nottoacknowledgeme.Idon’tthinkheknewthatIworkedthere,becauseInevertoldhim.

ApangofjealousyhitmewhenInoticedEleclockingLeila’slegsinwithhisunderthetable.
Iwasn’tsureifLeilarealizedhewasmystepbrother.Ineverspokeabouthimtopeopleat

schoolandfiguredhenevermentionedme,either.

“I’llgiveyoutwoafewminutes,”Isaidbeforewalkingbacktowardthekitchen.Iwatchedas

Leilareachedacrossthetableandplantedakissonhislips.Ifeltsick.Shepulledonhislipringwith
herteeth.Itlookedlikeshemighthavepurred.Ugh.I’dneverwantedtodisappearintothinairso
badly.

Ireluctantlywalkedbackovertothem.“Haveyoudecidedwhatyouwant?”
Elecglancedovertothechalkboardthatlistedthedailyspecialsandsmirked.“What’syour

soupoftheday?”

Thatbastard.
“Chicken.”
“That’snotcorrect.You’remisrepresentingit.”
“It’sthesamething.”

Herepeated,“What’s…thesoup…oftheday?”
Istaredathimlongandhardthenclenchedmyjaw.“CockaLeekieSoup.”
TheownerwasfromScotland,andapparently,thatwasaspecialtythere.
Heflashedamischievousgrin.“Thanks.I’llhavethecocksoup.Leila?”
“I’llhavethegardensalad,”shesaid,lookingbackandforthbetweenElecandmeconfused.
Itookmysweettimebeforebringingthemtheirfood.Itdidn’tmattertomeifthesoupwas

cold.

Afterafewminutes,Elecliftedhisindexfingerformetocometothetable.
“Yes?”Ihuffed.
“Thiscockisleaky.It’salsoblandandcold.Canyoupleasereplaceitandaskthecookto

actuallyputsomeflavorinit?”

Helookedlikehewasstiflingalaugh.Leilawasspeechless.
Itookthesoupbacktothekitchenanddumpeditviolentlyintothesinkalongwiththeceramic

cup.Insteadoftalkingtothechef,Ihadalightbulbmomentanddecidedtotakethisintomyown
hands.Igrabbedtheladleandputmoresoupintoanewcup.Iopenedabottleofhotpicantesauceand
poureditmorethangenerouslyintothesoup.

Itwaspipinghotinmorewaysthanonenow.Iwalkedbackoutandplaceditcarefullyinfront

ofElec.

“Anythingelse?”
“No.”
Iwalkedbackovertowardthekitchenandwaitedinthecornertowatchhim.Theanticipation

waskillingme.Histonguewouldpracticallyfalloffwhenhegotonetasteofmyspecialty.

Electookthefirstspoonful.Hehadnoreaction.
Howcouldthatbe?
Hetookanotherspoonfulthenhiseyessoughtmeout.Hismouthcurvedintoaslysmile

beforehetooktheentirecupandstarteddrinkingthesouplikeabeverage.Hewipedhismouthwith
thebackofhishand,whisperedtoLeilaandexcusedhimself.

Leila’sbackwasturnedtomewhenElecwalkedoveranddraggedmebythearmintothedark

corridorleadingtothebathrooms.

Hebackedmeupagainstthewall.“Youthinkyou’resosmart?”Myheartwasslamminginto

mychest.Speechless,Ishookmyheadashesaid,“Well,thejoke’sonyou.”

BeforeIcouldrespond,Elecgrabbedmyfacewithbothhandsandsmashedhislipsintomine.

Themetalfromhislipringscrapedmymouthashenudgeditopenwithhistonguehungrilyand
startedkissingmedeep.Imoanedintohismouth,bothshockedandexcitedbytheambushofhishot
tongueassaultingme.Mybodywasshaking.Hesmelledamazing.IfeltlikeIwasgoingtocollapse
fromthesensoryoverload.

Withinseconds,theheatfromthepicantesauceonhistonguebegantopenetratemyown,

whichwasnowburning.Eventhoughitfeltlikemytonguewasabouttofalloff,Ididn’teverwantto
pullaway.

I’dneverbeenkissedlikethis.
Then,justlikethat,herippedhismouthawayfrommine.
“Don’tyouknowbynownottofuckwithme?”
Hewalkedaway,andIstayedpantinginthecorridorwithmyhandovermychest.
Holyshit.
Mymouthwasonfirealongwitheveryotherorifice.Iwasthrobbingbetweenmylegs.When

Ifinallygainedenoughcomposuretowalkbackout,Irealizedtheyneededtheircheckatsomepoint.

Idecidedtogetitoverwithandtooktheleatherbillbindertotheirtable,placingitinfrontof

Elecwithoutmakingeyecontact.

IoverheardhimtellingLeilatomeethimoutfrontandthathe’dtakecareofeverything.He

reachedintohispocketandslippedsomethinginthefolderandsoonafter,hetookoff.

Heprobablydidn’tevenleavemeatip.Iopeneditandgaspedwhenalongwithatwenty-dollar

billwasmyfavoriteblacklacethongandwritteninpenonthecheck:

Keepthechange,orrather,changeintothese.I’mguessingyourcurrentonesarealittlewet.

CHAPTER4

ElecandIneverspokeofthekisseventhoughitranthroughmymindconstantly.Iwaspretty

sureitdidn’tmeananythingtohim,thathewasjusttryingtomakeapoint.Still,thesensationsI
experiencedwerethesameasifthekisshadbeenbasedonrealpassion.Knowingwhathislipsfelt
likeonmineandhowhe’dtastedwasn’tamemorythatcouldsoeasilybeerased.Icravedthatfeeling
again.Itmadethebattlebetweenmymindandbodymuchmoredifficultthanbefore.

Itwasacursehavingacrushonsomeoneyouhadtolivewith,particularlywhenhebrought

girlsfromschoolbacktothehouse.

Oneafternoon,whileourparentsweren’thome,he’dbroughtLeilaover,andtheywereinhis

roommessingaround.Anotherafternoon,itwasAmy.Thenthenextweek,itwasadifferentAmy.

I’dbeinmyroomcoveringmyearssothatIdidn’thavetohearthesoundofhisbed

squeakingorthestupidgirlgiggling.TheparticulardaythatAmynumbertwoexitedhisroomtogo
home,Itextedhimimmediatelyafter.

Really?TwoAmys?WillAmy#3becomingtomorrow?Whatareyouthinking?!

Elec:I’mthinkingyou’rewishingyournamewereAmy…“sister.”

Greta:Step!Stepsister.

Elec:Scramblethewordstep,yougetPEST.step=pest.

Greta:You’reamoron.

Elec:You’reapest.

Igotupfrommybedinahuffandwalkedrightintohisroomwithoutknocking.Hewas

playingavideogameanddidn’tevenlookatme.“Ireallyneedtogetalockonthatthing.”

Myheartwasracing.“Whyareyousuchafuckingjerk?”
“Nicetoseeyou,too,sis.”Hepattedthebednexttowherehewassittingattheedgewithhis

eyesstillfixedonthegame.“Ifyouwon’tleave,byallmeans,haveaseat.”

“Ihavenodesiretositonyourdirtybed.”
“Isthatbecauseyou’drathersitonmydirtyface?”
Myheartnearlystopped.
Hismouthspreadintoadevioussmileashecontinuedtoplaythegame.Hehadrenderedme

speechless.Infact,Ihadrenderedmyselfspeechless,becauseassoonasthewords“sitonmydirty
face”cameoutofhismouth,Ihadtheurgetocrossmylegstocurbmyarousal.Myvaginawasa
hopelessfool.Thecruderhewas,thestrongeritsattractiontohim.

Insteadofdignifyinghisquestionwitharesponse,Ilookedaroundtheroom,headedstraight

forhisdrawersandbeganrummagingthroughhisthings.“Where’smyunderwear?”

“Itoldyou,they’renotinhere.”
“Idon’tbelieveyou.”
IcontinuedsearchingarounduntilIstumbleduponsomethingthatcaughtmyeye.Itwasa

binderwithalargestackofpapersinside.PrintedonthefrontwerethewordsLuckyandtheLadby

ElecO’Rourke.

“What’sthis?”
Forthefirsttime,Elecstoppedhisvideogameandpracticallyflewoffthebed.“Don’ttouch

that.”

Iflippedthroughitasfastaspossiblebeforeherippeditoutofmyhands.Therewasdialog

andsomelineswerecrossedoutandcorrectedinredpen.Myeyeswidened.“Youwroteabook?”

HeswallowedandforthefirsttimesinceI’dmethim,Eleclookedtrulyuncomfortable.

“That’snoneofyourbusiness.”

“Maybeyoudohavemoregoingforyouthanyourlooks,”Ijoked.
Myeyeswanderedtothetattoooftheword“Lucky”onhisrightbicep,andthewheelsbegan

turninginmyhead.Thetattoowasconnectedtothestoryheapparentlywrote.

Elecgavemeonelastdeathstarebeforewalkingovertohisclosetandplacingthebinderon

thetopshelf.Hesatbackdownonthebedandresumedhisvideogame.

Desperatetoconnectwithhiminsomeway,Isatnexttohimandwatchedashedestroyedhis

virtualenemyincombat.

“Cantwopeopleplay?”
Hestoppedforamomentandfroze,thensighedinexasperation,beforehandingmea

controller.Hechangedthesettingtotwoplayers,andwebeganbattlingitout.

Ittookmeawhiletofigureouthowtoplaythegame.Aftermultiplewinsonhispart,my

characterfinallykilledhisoff,andheturnedtomewithalookofamusementanddareIsay…
admiration.Hecrackedareluctantbutgenuinesmile,andIfeltlikemyheartwasgoingto
disintegrate.Thatonelittlegesture,andIwasalostcause.WhatwouldIhavedoneifhewereactually
reallynicetome:losemymindaltogetherandstarthumpinghisleg?Uponthatthought,Idecidedit
wastimeformetogobacktomyroom.

Ispenttherestofthenighttryingtofigurehimoutandconcludedtherewasdefinitelymoreto

stepbrotherdearestthanmettheeye.

***

SeveralweekspassedbeforeI’dacceptedBentley’soffertotakemeoutonadate.I’dfinally

concededthata.)therewerenobetteralternativesatthemomentandb.)adistractionfrommy
unhealthyobsessionwithmystepbrotherwouldbemosthelpful.

MyattractiontoElecwasatanall-timehigh.Almosteverynightafterdinner,I’dgotohis

roomandplaythatvideogamewithhim.Itwasaharmlesswayforustotakeoutourfrustration
towardeachotherwithoutanyoneactuallygettinghurt.Thesurprisingthingwas,heseemedtobethe
oneinitiatingitnow.TheonenightIdecidedtostayinmyroomandread,he’dsentmeatext.

Areyoucomingtoplayorwhat?

Greta:Iwasn’tgoingto.

Elec:BringsomeasscreamtooandputextraSnickersinit.

Thatmessagewouldhaveseemedreallyoddtosomeoneontheoutsidelookingin.Thetext

hadmademegiddy,though.

Thatnight,wesharedanotherbowloficecreamandplayedthegameuntilIcouldn’tkeepmy

eyesopen.IevenmanagedtokillElecofftwooutofthe17timesweplayed.Eventhoughhedidn’t

reallyopenuptome,thegamingsessionsseemedtobehisownspecialwayofsayinghedidn’tfind
mycompanydeplorableanymoreandthatmaybe,heevenenjoyedit

ButintypicalElecfashion,justwhenitfeltlikewewerefinallyconnecting,hehadtogoand

ruinit.

***

ItwasacoupleofdaysbeforemyFridaynightdatewithBentley.VictoriaandIwerehanging

outinthekitchenwhenElecwalkedinanddidhisusualdrinkingoutofthemilkcartonroutine.

Victoria’seyesfixatedonElec’sshirtridingupasheliftedthemilk.Thetwoshamrocktattoos

oneithersideofhisrock-hardabswereexposed.

Shewaspracticallydrooling.“Hey,Elec.”
Elecgruntedinresponsethroughthecartonbeforeputtingitbackintothefridge.Hethen

beganrummagingthroughthesnackcupboard.

Victoriadippedapretzelinsomenutellaandspokewithhermouthfull.“So,haveyoudecided

whichmovieyou’regoingtoseewithBentleyFridaynight?”

“No,wehaven’tdiscussedit.”
Fromacrossthekitchen,Icouldn’thelpbutnoticethatElecstoppedsiftingthroughthecabinet

foramomentandfroze.Itseemedlikehewastryingtolistentowhatweweresaying.Heglanced
overatmeforafleetingmomentwithatroublesomeexpression.

“Well,IthinkyoushouldseethatnewDrewBarrymoreromanticcomedy.Makehimsuffer

throughachickflick.Whatdoyouthink,Elec?”

“WhatdoIthinkaboutwhat?”
“WhatmovieshouldGretaseeonherdatewithBentley?”
Heignoredherquestionandlookedatme.“Thatdude’safucknut.”
Hestartedtowalkaway,butVictoriacalledafterhim.“Hey,Elec…”
Heturnedaround.
“Wouldyouwanttojoin?Imean…wecouldgowiththem.Itmightbefun.Likeadouble

date.”

Hechuckledandjuststaredatherforthelongesttimewithalookthatscreamed,notachance.
Ishookmyhead.“Idon’tthinkthat’sagoodidea.”
Heturnedtomewithamaliciousgrin.“Whynot?”
Whynot?
“Becauseit’smydate.Idon’twantanyoneelsetaggingalong.”
“ItwouldreallyupsetyouifIwent?”
“Yes,actually.”
HelookedoveratVictoria.“Inthatcase,I’dlovetogo.”
Thelookofsatisfactiononherfacesickenedme.Shethoughtthiswasherbigchancetomake

amoveonhim.Meanwhile,he’dbasicallyadmittedhewasjustdoingthistotortureme.

“SeeyouFridaynight,”hesaidbeforedisappearing.
Victoriaopenedhermouthinasilentscreamthentappedherfeetexcitedlyonthefloor,andit

mademewanttovomit.Inowhadtogearupforwhatwouldsurelybeoneofthemostawkwarddates
ofmylife.Butnothingcouldhavepreparedmeforwhatactuallytranspiredthatnight.

CHAPTER5

Elecwassupposedtobemeetingusatthecinema.Hehadtakenapart-timejobatabikeshop

andwouldbegoinghometoshowerfirstafterwork.

Victoria,BentleyandIgothisticketbeforetheysoldout.
“Victoria,areyousureyourdate’sshowingup?”Bentleylaughed.
“He’llbehere.”Shelookedoveratmewithuncertainty.Truthfully,IhadnocluewhetherElec

wasactuallyplanningtoshowupandprayedhedidn’t.WhenVictoriatextedhimthatweplannedto
goinsidethetheaterearlytosecureseats,he’dneverresponded.

Aswewaitedintheconcessionline,Bentleyputhisarmaroundmyshoulder,causingmeto

stiffen.Itseemedalittleforwardsincewewerejustgettingtoknoweachother.Hedidsmellniceand
lookedreallygoodinjeansandablackdressshirt.Hisshortlightbrownhairwasspikedwithgel.I
rememberIusedtothinkBentleywasreallycute.Nowadays,everysingleguyseemedtopalein
comparisontoEleconthephysicalattractionmeter.Iwantedtocrushthatmeterwitha
sledgehammer.

VictoriawasunderstrictinstructionsnottotellBentleythatElecwasmystepbrother.Since

Elecneverspoketomeatschool,mostpeoplestillhadnocluethatwelivedtogether.Ipreferredit
thatway.

Reliefsetinwhenthetheaterdarkened,andthepreviewsbegantoplay.Iputmyphoneon

vibrate.Maybehewasn’tgoingtoshowafterall.MybodystartedtorelaxwhileVictoriacheckedher
phoneeverytwosecondsandlookedaroundforhim.

Theopeningcreditstothemoviestarted.Isankdeeperintomychairandkickedmyfeetupon

theemptyseatinfrontofme.Bentleygesturedformetohavesomeofhispopcorn.I’dbeen
munchingonitforawhileandwasactuallyenjoyingthemovieuntilInearlychokedonawhiffof
clovecigarettesmixedwithcologne.

Then,therehewas.
Mykneestrembledasheslidpasttheminthedarknessmakinghiswaytotheemptyseatonthe

othersideofVictoria.

Iwantedtosmackthelookofjoyoffofherface.WhenElecleanedinandkissedheronthe

cheek,myappetiteforthepopcorntransformedquicklyintonausea.IhandedBentleythebagand
pretendedtobeinterestedinthemovie.Inallhonesty,Iwasstaringstraightatthescreen,butDrew
BarrymoremightaswellhavebeenspeakingMandarinChinese.

AllIwasreallydoingwasruminatingandbreathinginElec’sscent.Hispresencehadmade

meangrierthanIanticipateditwould.

Atonepoint,Bentleygrabbedmyhandandwrappeditinsidehis.Ifroze.
Victoria,whohaddownedagiantDietCokebeforeElecarrived,whisperedinmyearthatshe

wasgoingtothebathroom.

Myheartbegantopoundfasteroncesheleftbecausetherewasnolongeranythingblocking

myviewofhim.Icouldfeelfromthecornerofmyeyesthathewaslookingatme.Despitelaughter
eruptingaroundmefromtheaudience,theweightofhisstareseemedtodrownitallout.Iwouldn’t
lookathimorevenmove.

Justkeepstaringatthescreen,Greta.
Myphonevibratedonmyleg.

Areyoupracticingtobeastorewindowmannequin?

Icouldn’texactlyrespondtothetextbecauseBentleywouldhaveseenme.Idid,however,

lookoveratElecandregrettedit.Hisnormallyunrulyhairwasgelledandstyled.Hewasalsomore
dressedupthannormalindarkjeansandaleatherjacket.

Hismouthspreadintoararegenuinesmilethatmademefeelasifsomethingweresqueezing

atmyheart.Then,hechuckled,causingmetolaughatmyself,too.Hewasright.Ihadbeensitting
therestiffasaboardtonight.Iwasactingridiculous.

VictoriainterruptedmymomentwithElecwhensheslidpastmylegsandsatdown,once

againobstructingmyview.Sheleanedintohim,andthatwasmycuetostarebackatthescreen.

Iwantedtobetheonewithhim.
Itdidn’tmakesense,butitwasproofthatdesireandlogicweretwoveryseparatethings.
WhatifVictoriatriedtokisshimtonight?Whatifheresponded?Icouldn’tdealwiththis

jealousyalready,andnothinghadevenhappenedyet.Hisdatinggirlsfromschoolhadbecome
somethingI’dforcedmyselftoaccept.Imean,hewasmystepbrother,supposedlydislikedmeand
wouldbemovingbacktoCaliforniaaftergraduation.Therealitywas,nothingcouldeverhappen
betweenus.Despitethat,hismessingaroundwithmybestfriendwouldnotbeokayforme.She’dtell
meeverylastdetailandwouldn’tholdback.

Somewhereinthemidstofmythoughts,themoviefinallyfinished.DrewBarrymorewas

smiling,soitmusthavebeenahappyending.

Bentley’shandrestedonmylowerbackasweexitedthetheater.Inthebrightflorescentlights

ofthecrowdedlobby,Eleclookedevenmorestunning.Victoriagrabbedontohisarmpossessively.I
wantedtohateherforit,butshehadnoclueaboutmyfeelingsforhim.

Thissituationwasoverwhelmingme.Ineededtobealoneforafewminutes.“Guys,I’mjust

gonnagofreshenup.Youshoulddecidewherewe’regoingtoeat.”

Uponenteringthesafetyofthebathroom,Iletoutadeepbreath.AfterIpeedandwashedmy

hands,Iwasreluctanttoheadbackoutside,soIstayedstaringatmyselfinthemirror.

AngerandfrustrationcoursedthroughmethemoreIthoughtaboutthisfuckedupdate.I

pickedupmyphoneandtextedElec.

Whyareyoureallyhere?DoyouevenlikeVictoria?

Iimmediatelyregrettedthatimpulsivemove.Myphonevibrated.

Elec:WhatifIdo?

WishingI’dneversaidanything,Ihadnoanswerandjuststaredatmyphone.Hetextedagain.

Elec:Idon’t.

Ihadn’trealizedIwasholdinginsomuchbreathuntilamassivesighofreliefescapedme.

Greta:Then,whyareyouhere?

Elec:Togetariseoutofyou.

Greta:Why?

Elec:BecauseIgetoffonit.

Greta:Why?

Elec:Ican’tanswerthatquestionanymorethanyoucantellmewhyyoulookatmethe

wayyoudoeventhoughI’vetreatedyoulikeshit.

Oh.God.Untilnow,Ihadn’trealizedhowobviousmyfeelingswere,howstupidanddesperate

Imusthavelookedtohimallthistime.

Elec:Havesomeself-respect.

What.The.Fuck.Now,he’dseriouslypissedmeoff.Wow.

Greta:Don’tworry.Iwon’tbelookingatyouanymore.

Ijustcouldn’tbelievehe’dsaidthattome.Myeyesstartedtowater,butIwasdeterminednot

tolethimseemeupset.Ittookafewminutestocomposemyselfbeforewalkingbackouttothelobby.
Ashardasitwas,Irefusedtolookathim.Refused.

“Whatthehecktookyousolong?”Bentleyasked.
“Iranintoalittleglitch.Butit’sover.”
Victoriaputherhandonmyshoulder.“Everythingokay?”
“Yup.Let’sgo.”
VictoriaandElecwalkedinfrontofus.Shewasstillhangingontohisarmwhilebothofhis

handswereinhispockets.

ThefourofuspackedintoBentley’sPriusanddrovetoanall-nightdiner.Avoidingmy

stepbrotherbecameamuchbiggerchallengeintheconfinesofasmallboothwherehewassitting
rightacrossfromme.Still,Ikepttomyword.I’dfocusonhissleevetattooorplaywiththesalt
shakersbutneverlookedup.IpretendedtoenjoybeingimmersedinconversationwithBentley,who
wassittingtomyleft.

Weorderedourfood,andsofar,I’dbeensuccessfulinnotmakingeyecontactwithElec.
“So,Greta,there’sthispartynextFridayatAlexFranco’shouse.Iwantedyoutocomewith

me,”Bentleysaid.

“Sure.Soundslikefun.”
“Good.”Heleanedinandlightlykissedthesideofmyface.
Elecwasmindlesslyplayingwithsomesugarpackets.IfIwereVictoria,I’dfinditpeculiar

thatmy“date”wasn’teventalkingtome.ButwhatdidIknow?

Shetriedtomakeconversation.“Elec,whatareyourplansaftergraduation?”
“TogetthehelloutofBoston.”
Andthatwasallshegot.
Afewminuteslater,heseemedtobetextingunderthetable.
Then,myphonevibrated.

BetIcangetyoutolookatme.

Iignoredhimanddidn’ttextback.

Afewsecondslater,ourfoodarrived,andwealldugin.Iwashappilyensconcedinmy

pancakeswhenIheardElecsaytoVictoria,“Youhavesomemilkshakerightthere.”

“Where?”
“Here,”hesaidbeforepullingherintohimandtonguekissingherrightinfrontofme.I

watchedinhorrorashedidtohermouth,thesamethingshe’ddonetomineduringtheencounterat
thecafe.Myfaceburnedupinangerasheslowlyandsensuallymovedhismouthoverhers.

“Damn,youtwo,getaroom,”Bentleysaid.
WhenElecfinallybackedaway,Victoriacoveredhermouthandsaid,“Wow…andhereIwas,

thinkingyouweren’tinterested.”Shelaughed.

MystareburnedintoElec’s,andhesilentlymouthed,“Toldyou.”
“Excuseme,”IsaidtoBentleyasIexitedtheboothandpromptlyaskedthewaitresswhereI

couldfindthebathroom.BeforeIcouldgrabmybearings,Victoriacameinafterme.

“Whatwasthat?”sheasked.
Ileanedagainstthesink.“Whatwaswhat?”
“Thatwholething…Eleckissingmelikethat,andthenyourunningoff.Diditupsetyouthat

hekissedme?”

Idodgedtheinquiry.“Hecandowhateverhewants.Hejustbugsme.”
“Youdidn’tanswermyquestion.”
Sure,whydon’tIjustadmitthatI’mobsessedwithmystepbrother,somuchso,thatitturned

meonalittlewatchinghimkissyou,becauseeverythinghedoesseemstomakemybodyreact.

“Youknowthingsbetweenhimandmearerocky,Vic.Ialsodon’twanttoseeyougethurt.”
“Don’tworry.I’mabiggirl.I’mjusthavingalittlefun.Iknowhe’sleaving.”
ThiswasexactlywhatIwasafraidof.
“Don’tmindme,okay?Elecjustgetsundermyskin.It’snobigdeal.Ijustneededabreather.”
“Okay,ifyousayso.”Shecrossedherarms.“AreyoufeelinggoodaboutBentley,though?”
“We’llsee.He’s…nice.IthinkI’lldefinitelygivehimachance.”
“Good.”
WhenVictoriahuggedme,IcouldsmellEleconher,anditmademecrazy.Itwasmyreaction

tothatwhiffofsmokymuskthatservedtoremindmethathewasdrivingmeinsaneandthatitneeded
toend.IvowedinthatmomenttodowhateverittooktoshakethisthingIhadforhim.

“Youreadytogobackout?”sheasked.
“Yeah.”Inoddedandtookadeepbreath.“Yeah,I’mready.”
Theeventsthattookplacenextseemedtooccurinrapidsuccession.Aswewalkedback

towardthebooth,Iheardsilverwareflyingandthenaloudcrashingsound.Acrowdofpeoplegasped
beforeIcaughtsightofBentleyonthegroundandEleckickingtheshitoutofhim.Bentley’sfacewas
bloody,andElec’smouthwasalsobleeding.

“Elec,whatareyoudoing?!”Iscreamed.
HecontinuedkickingBentleywithallhismight.
TherestaurantmanagerrantowardusalongwithawaiterwhoassistedhiminpullingElec

awayfromBentleywhowaskeelingoveronthegroundinpain.

Ibentdown.“Bentley,whathappened?”
“Thatlunaticpunchedmefornoreasonandso,Ihithimback.Then,hejuststartedbeatingthe

shitoutofme.Itripped,andhestartedkickingmewhenIwasdown.”

“Areyouokay?”
“I’llbefine.”
“Youdon’tlookfine.”
Ihelpedhimup,andheleanedagainstme.ThetwomenwerestillholdingElecdownaspolice

sirensapproachedinthedistance.

Whatwashappening?
VictoriawalkedovertoElec.“Whatthehellisgoingon?”
Hespitsomebloodontothefloor.“Donotletherleavewithhim.”
IlookedoveratBentley.“Whatstartedthis?Idon’tunderstand.”
“Nothing.Thatfreakjustattackedme.”
“Youfuckingliar,”ElecspewedashelungedforwardtochargeatBentleyagain,butthemen

holdinghisarmsrestrainedhim.

Twoofficerswalkedinandbeganquestioningeachoftheguysinseparatecorners.Victoria

andIjuststoodatthesidelines,dazedandconfusedastowhatcouldhavepossiblyhappenedinthe
shorttimewewereinthebathroomtohavecausedthis.I’dwishedIcouldhaveheardwhattheywere
sayingtotheofficers,buttheyweretoofaraway.

Aftertheywerereleased,ElecwalkedstraightpastVictoriaandovertome.“Let’sgo.You’re

notgettinginhiscar.”

“Whothefuckdoyouthinkyouare,tryingtotakemydatehome?”Bentleyshouted.
“Iamherhome,fucknut.”

CHAPTER6

ThecabridewithElecandVictoriathatnighthadbeenextremelyuncomfortable.Bentleyhad

freakedoutandtakenoffinhiscarafterhefoundoutElecwasactuallymystepbrother.Thecauseof
whathappenedinthatdinerremainedamysterytome.Theentirewayback,Elecsaidnothingto
eitheroneofus.Hesatinthefrontwhilewesatinthebackseat.

Whenwegothomeandhewentupstairstohisroom,heslammedthedoorsohard,itmade

mejump.I’dthoughtabouttryingtotalktohim,butmybetterinstinctstoldmetojustlethimbe
alone.

BythetimeIwokeupthefollowingSaturdaymorning,Elechadalreadylefttoworktheentire

dayatthebikeshop.

Mymothersatatthegraniteislandinourkitchenonthestoolnexttome.“Doyouwannatell

mewhathappenedlastnight?RandygotacallfromhiscopfriendsayingthatElecwasinvolvedina
fightoveratthedinerandthatyouwerewithhim?”

Iputdownmycoffeeandrubbedmytemples.“Wewerehavingdinner…Elec,Victoria,myself

andthisguy,Bentley,fromschool.Elecandhegotintoafight.Wedon’tknowwhatstarteditbecause
ithappenedwhenVicandIwenttothebathroom.So,Ireallydon’tknowmuchmorethanyou.”

“Well,yourstepfatherisfuming,andIdon’tknowwhattodoaboutit.”
“Heneedstojustletitgo.Guysgetintoitsometimes,anditmaynothavebeenElec’sfault.

Youneedtoexplainthattohim.”

“There’snotalkingtoRandywhenitcomestoElec.Idon’tunderstandit.”
“NeitherdoI.”

***

I’ddecidedIwasgoingtotalktoElecthatnightandhadbeenwaitingforhimtocomehome

allday.Thebikeshopclosedatsix,soI’dexpectedhimbackbyseven,buthenevercamehome.

Unabletosleep,asinkingfeelingcameoverme.Finally,aroundmidnight,Iheardfootsteps

andthedoorknobtoElec’sroomslowlyturn.

Atleast,hewashome.
Aboutaminutelater,camethesoundofhisdoorbustingopen.
“Whatthefuck,Elec?Youreekofalcohol,”IheardRandyyell.
Ijumpedupandplasteredmyeartothewall.
“HeyDa-da,”Elecseemedtobeslurringhiswords.
“Boy,youjustcontinuetomakemesodamnproud.First,youstartafightandhumiliatemein

frontofthisentirecommunityandnow,youhavethegalltosetfootinmyhousetonightdrunk?Well,
you’regonnawishyounevercamehome.”

“Really?Whatareyougonnado?Hitme?That’stheonethingyouhaven’tdone.I’msoready

forit.”

“Youwouldlovethat,wouldn’tyou?No.I’mnotgonnahityou.”
“Right…you’renotgoingtohitme.You’rejustgonnahateme…likeyoualwayshave.

Sometimes,Iwishyou’djusthitmeonceandforallthenleavemethefuckalone.”

“You’realoser,Elec.”
“Tellmesomethingyouhaven’tbefore.”
“Okay,then,I’vegotnewsforyou.I’mnotgoingtohelpyoupayforcollegeafterall.You’re

onyourown.I’vemadethedecisiontonight.I’mtakingthemoneyIwouldhaveallottedyouand
givingitalltoGreta.”

What?No!
Randycontinued,“I’mnotwastingmyhard-earnedmoneyonafuck-upwhowantstobea

pansywriter.Ifyoudecideyouwanttohavearealcareersomeday,cometalktome.Untilthen,I’m
notspendingadimeonyou.”

“Youwereneverplanningonpayingformycollegeanyway,andyouknowit.”
“WhywouldIwantto…forsomeonewho’sdonenothingbutdisappointmefromthedayhe

wasborn?”

“Thatwasthestart,wasn’tit…thedayIwasborn?Ineverevenstoodafuckingchance,didI?

BecauseMamineverabortedmelikeyouaskedherto.”

“That’safuckinglie.Didshetellyouthat?”
“Evenifshehadn’ttoldme,Icouldhaveguessedit.Isthatwhyyou’vebeenslowlykillingme

withyourwordsmyentirelifetomakeupforit?”

Myheartwasbreaking.
“HaveI?Thenwhyaren’tyoudeadyet,Elec?”
Igaspedinhorror.Icouldn’tstandbackandlistentothisanymore.Iranintothenextroom

andwasevenmorehorrifiedtofindElecsittingattheedgeofhisbedwithhisheadinhishands.The
smellofalcoholonhimwaspungent.Hisbackwasrisingandfallingwiththeheavybreathsthat
escapedhim.

“Randy…stop!Pleasestop!”Mystepfatherstoodtherewithhisarmscrossed,lookingatme

blankly.Inthatmoment,themanstandinginfrontofmemightaswellhavebeenatotalstranger.
“He’syourson.Yourson!Idon’tcarewhatyouconvinceyourselfhedidtodeserveit,thereis
nothingthatcouldeverjustifytalkingtoyourchildlikethat.”

“Greta,youdon’tunderstandourhistory…”Randysaid.
“Idon’tneedtoknowanythingtounderstandthatthewordsthatcameoutofyourmouth

tonightcutdeeperthananyweaponevercould.AndI’mnotgonnastandhereandletyouabusehim
likethat.”

Neitherofthemsaidanything.Theroomwassilent.Elec’sbreathingseemedtohavecalmed

downandwiththat,sodidmine.

IturnedbacktoRandy.“Youneedtoleave.”
“Greta—”
“Leave!”Iscreamedatthetopofmylungs.
Randyshookhisheadandwalkedoutoftheroom,leavingmealonewithElecwhowasstillin

thesameposition.

Irantomyroomandreturnedwithabottleofwater,puttingituptohismouth.“Drinkthis.”
Hegulpeditdowninonesittingthencrushedtheplasticandthrewit.Ikneeleddowntopull

offhisshoes.

HewasslurringhiswordsandmutteringsomethingIcouldn’tunderstand.
Istoodupandpulledhisblanketsdown.“Liedown.”
Hetookhisjacketoff,throwingitclumsilyontothegroundandcrawledovertohispillow.He

layonhisstomachandclosedhiseyes.

IsatatthesideofthebedandwasstillshakenbywhatI’dwalkedinon.IfeltsobadlyforElec

andwassoashamedofRandy.IknewIneededtotalktomymothertomorrow.Howcouldshehave
notoverheardandintervenedtonight?

Elec’sbreathinghadevenedout.Hehadfallenasleep.Iranmyhandoncethroughhissilky

blackhair,relishingtheabilitytotouchhimfreelywithouthisknowingit.Myindexfingerbrushed

lightlyoverthecutonhislipthathesustainedfromthefightwithBentley.Itwasrightaroundhislip
ring,andIshudderedwhenIrealizedthathislipmusthavetorn.

Thereasonfortheconstantangerheexhibitedwasnowclearertomethanever,yetIstillfelt

likeIknewnothingaboutElec’slife.

Helookedsoinnocentinhissleep.Withoutthesmirkingortheglareofhiseyes,itwaseasier

toseepasthisharshexteriorinordertocatchaglimpseoftheboyhidingbeneath—thesameboyI
nowrealizedhadbeendamagedbythemanmarriedtomymother.

AteardropfelldownmycheekasIadjustedhisblanketbeforeexitingtheroom.
Backinmyownbed,Ithoughtabouthowironicitwasthatthisguywho’ddonenothingbut

trytochasemeawayandintimidatemewastheonepersonintheworldIfeltlikeIwantedtoprotect.

***

BythetimeIgotupthenextmorning,Randyandmymotherhadalreadytakenoffforan

overnighttripouttotheWesternpartofthestate.

Momhadleftmeanoteonthekitchencounter:
Randysurprisedmeintheweehoursofthemorningwithanearlybirthdaytriptothe

Berkshires.He’dalreadypackedthecarbythetimeIwokeup!Ididn’twanttowakeyou.Itwillonly
beonenight.We’llbebacklateMonday.ThereareplentyofleftoversforyouandElecinthefridge.
Callmycellifyouneedanything.Loveyou.

Howconvenient.Iwassuremystepfatherhadarrangedthistoavoidhavingtodealwithwhat

happenedlastnight.Iimmediatelygrabbedmyphoneandtextedher:

Enjoyyourtrip,butwhenyougetbackweseriouslyneedtotalkaboutwhat’sgoingonwith

RandyandElec.

Elecdidn’tcomedownstairsuntiltwothatafternoon.Helookedlikedeathwarmedoverashe

draggedhisfeetovertothecoffeepot,hishairdisheveledandhiseyesbloodshot.

“Goodmorning,sunshine,”Isaid.
Hisvoicewasgroggyashewhispered,“Hey.”Hepouredsomecoffeeintoamugandnuked

it.

“So,apparently,ourparentstookoffonanovernighttrip.They’llbebackMondaynight.”
“That’stoobad,”hesaid.
“Thattheywentaway?”
Hetookasipofcoffeeandsaid,“No,thatthey’recomingback.”
“I’msorryabou—”
“Ican’tdothis.”Heshuthiseyesandheldouthispalm.“Ican’ttalktoyou.Everytimeyou

speak,itsoundslikeachainsaw.”

“Sorry.Igetit.You’rehungover.”
“Well,there’sthat,too.”
Irolledmyeyes,andhewinked,causingmyhearttoflutter.
Isatwithmylegscrossedonthesofaadjacenttothekitchen.“Whatareyourplanstoday?”
“Well,firstIhavetofindmyfuckinghead.”
Ilaughed.“Andthen?”
“Idunno,”hesaid,shrugginghisshoulders.
“Wouldyouwanttogetsometakeoutlater?”Iasked,tryinghardtoseemcasual.
Helookedapprehensiveandrubbedthescruffonhischin.“Um…”

“What?”
Hecheckedhisphone.“No,actually,ugh…Ihaveadate.”
“Withwho?”
“With,um…”
“Youdon’tknow?”Ilaughed.
Hescratchedhisforehead.“Givemeaminute…”
Ishookmyhead.“That’ssad.”
“Oh!WithKylie…yeah…Kylie.”
IfKylieonlyknewhowinterchangeableshewas.Iwasjustsecretlyrelievedhedidn’tsay

Victoria,becauseIknewshestillhaditinhermindtocontacthimdespitethescenehecausedonour
“doubledate.”She’dtextedhimatleastonceyesterday,andherdesperationreallyannoyedme.

Earlythatevening,I’dcurleduponthecouchwithmybookwhenElecwalkeddownstairs.I

instinctivelysatupandstraightenedmyclothing.Hiscolognewaftingthroughtheroomwasenough
ofanaphrodisiacbeforeIeventurnedtolookathim.Hewasdressedinblackpantsandafitted
maroonshirtrolledupatthesleeves.Hishairwasstyledintoacontrolledmess,andasidefromthe
cutthatremainedonhisbottomlip,helookedbetterthanI’deverseenhim.Actually,eventhedamn
cutwassexy.Theenergyintheroomseemedtochangeanytimehewalkedintoit.Allofmysenses
werehyperawareofhim.

Irememberedhistextfromtheothernight:Havesomeself-respect.Ugh.Iforcedmyselfto

returntomybooksinceapparently,Icouldn’tseemtohidemyattractionwheneverIlookedathim.
Justthinkingaboutthattextagainhadputmeinabadmood.Ihadkindofforgottenaboutmyvowto
neverlookathimagainaftereverythingthathappenedwithBentleyandRandy.

Hegrabbedhiskeys.“I’mheadedout.”
“Okay,”Isaid,makingsuretokeepmyeyesfixedonthebook.
Thedoorslammedshut,andIbreathedoutasighofrelief.IthadbeenalongtimesinceIhad

thehousetomyselfandalthoughthepatheticsideofmewishedElechadstayedin,therewas
somethingtobesaidforprivacy.

IendeduporderingsomeChinesetakeouttobedelivered.ShortlyafterIopenedthecartonof

shrimplomein,thetextalertonmyphonesounded.

Ihadthisflashbackfromlastnight.

Greta:Oh?

Elec:Youwereonyourkneesatthefootofmybed.Didyoutakeadvantageofme?

Greta:You’dbetterbekidding.No!Iwastakingoffyourshoes,drunkass.

Elec:Kinky.Afootfetish?

Greta:You’renotserious…

Elec:;-)

Greta:Aren’tyousupposedtobeonadate?

Elec:Iam.

Greta:Then,whydon’tyoupayattentiontoher?

Elec:BecauseI’dratherbugyou.

AphonecallinterruptedmythoughtsbeforeIcouldtexthimback.ItwasBentley.Crap.I

wasn’tsurewhethertopickitup.

“Hello?”
“Hey,Greta.”
“Hi.What’sup?”
“Elecisn’tthere,ishe?”
“No.Why?”
“Youleftyourjacketinmycartheothernight.CanIcomebyandgiveittoyou?”
“Um…sure.Iguessthatwouldbeokay.”
“Great.Ishouldbethereinabouttwentyminutes.”
IhungupandnoticedthatElechadsentseveralmoretextswhileIhadbeenonthephonewith

Bentley.

Elec:Actually,mydateisadude.

Elec:Adud!Imeanttotypemydateturnedouttobeadud.

Elec:LMAO

Elec:#notadude#eleclovespussy

Elec:Wherethefuckru?

Laughinghysterically,Ityped.

Greta:Sorry,thatwasBentley.Hecalled.Ileftmyjacketinhiscartheothernightandhe’s

droppingitoff.

Acoupleofsecondslater,myphonerang.
“Thefuckheis!You’renotlettingthatguyintothehouse.”
“He’sjustdroppingoffajacket.”
“Callhimbackandtellhimhecanleaveitonthedoorstep.”
“I’mnotgonnadothat.There’snoreasonto.Whateverhappenedisbetweenyouandhim.”
Thecalldropped.No,hehungup!
Hehadsomenervetryingtotellmewhattodolikethatwithoutagoodexplanation.
Tenminuteslater,myfeetflewoffthecouchwhenthefrontdooropened.
Elecwasoutofbreath.“Didheshowup?”
Whattheheck?
“Notyet.Whyareyouhere?”
“Youdidn’tsoundlikeyouwerepayingattentiontome.So,Ihadnochoicebuttocome

home.”

“Ifyouwon’texplaintomewhyyouwantmetostayawayfromBentley,howdoyouexpect

tomelistentoyou?”

Heranhishandsthroughhishairinfrustration.
Thedoorbellrang,andElecbeatmetothedoorandopenedit.
Bentley’sfaceturnedwhite.“Whatareyoudoinghome?Shesaidyouweren’there.”
ElecswipedmyjacketoutofBentley’shandsandslammedthedoorinhisface.Then,he

lockedit.

“I’mgoingafterhim.Getoutofmyway,”Isaid.
Hecrossedhisarmsinfrontofthedoor.“You’llhavetogetpastme.Andcan’tyouhearhis

cartakingoffrightnow?He’safuckingsissy.”

Iletoutabreathandgaveup,decidingtomovepastit.Ididn’treallywanttoseeBentleybut

remainedannoyedbyElec’scontrollingbehavior.Hedidn’thavearighttointerfereinmylifewhen
heonlyclosedhimselfofftomeinreturn.

ThetensionintheairwasthickasIwalkedbackovertomyplateoffoodonthecoffeetable.

Wedidn’tspeakforseveralminutesbeforeIbroketheice.“There’ssometakeoutChineseonthe
counterifyouwantsome.”

Elecstilllookedirateanddidn’trespond.Hewalkedovertothecounter,grabbedthecontainer

oflomeinandstartedinhalingit.

“Hungry?Didn’tyoueatonyourdate?”
Heslurpedanoodleintohismouth.“Nope.”
“Wassheupsetthatyoubasicallyabandonedher?”
“No,”hesaidwithhismouthfull.
Leaningmyelbowsagainstthecounter,Iasked,“Ifyoudidn’teat,whatdidyoudo?OrdoI

reallywanttoknow?”

“Um…Rileywantedtogobowling.”
“IthoughtyousaidhernamewasKylie.”
Hegrinnedguiltilyashebitintoaspringroll.“Whoops.”
Unsureofwhattomakeofthat,Irolledmyeyesathimandreachedforthelastspringroll

beforeheinhaledthat,too.Itookabite.“I’mgettingamovieonNetflixifyouwanttojoin.”

Hestoppedeatingforamomentandthenjustglaredatme.“Whatthefuckiswrongwith

you?”

“Excuseme?”
“Itdoesn’tmatterhowshittyItreatyou…youstilltrytohangoutwithme.”
Itfeltlikesteamwasabouttoblowoutofmyears.“Nooneaskedyoutocomehometonight!I

wasactuallyenjoyinghavingthehousetomyself.”

“Really?Wereyougonnalieonthecouchwithyourvibratororsomething?”
Myheartdropped.Myvibrator.
Shit!
Itwasinmyunderweardrawer,too.IhadforgottenI’dmoveditinthereafterIcleanedoutmy

bedsidetable.Ihadn’tuseditinawhileandhadtotallyforgottenaboutit.

He’dtakenthattoo!
Hecontinued,“Lookatyourface.Youjustrealizeditwasmissing?Howhaveyoubeen

gettingoff?Eitheryourfingersaresoreoryoumustbeinseriousneedoftensionrelief.”

Myfacemusthaveturnedahundredshadesofred.“Youbastard.”
Myeyetwitched.
“You’rewinkingatmeagain.Sorry,Ican’thelpyouout.Maybeyouneedtowatch…a

differentkindofmovietonight?Thatmightgetyouoff.Ihavesomeifyouwanttoborrowoneto—
youknow—wetyourwhistle.”

Hiswordsfromtheothernightonceagainreplayedinmyhead.“Havesomeself-respect.”
I’ddecidedIwasdonewithhimtonight.I’dtakethehighroadandgobacktomyroom

withoutsayinganotherwordbutnotbeforeIgrabbedthecontainerofnoodlesanddumpeditallover
hislap.“Wetthat,dickhead.”

HisraspylaughcutthroughmeasImademywayupthestairs.
Thatnight,IwasstillfumingasIsquirmedaroundinmysheets.Whodidhethinkhewaswith

hispassiveaggressivebehavior?He’dtriedtoplayitofflikeIwastheoneseekinghisattention,
whenhe’dbeentextingmeduringhisdatebeforecominghomeearlytointrudeonmyencounter
withBentley.

MyobsessivethoughtscontinueduntilabouttwointhemorningwhenIwasinterruptedby

whatsoundedlikeyellingcomingfromElec’sroom.

CHAPTER7

Elecwastossingandturningashecriedout,“Mami,please.No!Wakeup!Wakeup!”His

breathingwaserratic,andallofhisbeddinghadfallenonthefloor.

“Pleeeeease,”hescreamed.
MyheartwaspoundingasIshookhim.“Elec!Elec.It’sjustadream.”
Stillinastateofsemi-sleep,hegrippedandsqueezedmyarmsohardthatithurt.Whenhis

eyesflewopen,hestillseemedtobeinahaze.Beadsofsweatglistenedonhisforehead.Hesatupand
lookedatmeinshockasifhedidn’tknowwherehewas.

“It’sGreta.Youwerehavinganightmare.Iheardyouyellingandthoughtsomethingwas

wrong.It’sokay.You’reokay.”

Hisbreathingwasstillintenseandslowlyregulated.Whenhisgriploosenedonmyarm,

clarityreturnedtohiseyes.

Heletgoofme.“ThisisthesecondtimeI’vecaughtyouinmyroomwhenI’vebeeninastate

ofsemi-consciousness.HowdoIknowyou’renotjusthangingoutheredoingthingstomewhileI’m
sleeping?”

Areyoukiddingme?
I’dhadenoughofhisshit.
MaybeitwasthefactthatIwaswiredfromnosleepormaybeitwasbecauseI’djusthitmy

limitwithallofhisjabs,butinsteadofresponding,Ipushedhimwithallmymight.Itmayhavebeen
ajuvenilething,butI’dbeendyingtodoit,andthismomentseemedtobethestrawthatbrokethe
camel’sback.

Helaughedheartilywhichpissedmeoffevenmore.“Well,it’saboutdamntime.”
“Excuseme?”
“I’vebeenwaitingforyoutoloseitonme.”
“Youthinkit’sfunnythatyou’vecausedmetoresorttothat?”
“No,Ithinkyou’refunny…likereallyfunny.Nothinghasevergivenmemoreamusementthan

bustingyourchops.”

“Well,great.GladIcoulddothatforyou.”
Fuck.Tearswereforminginmyeyes.
Thiscouldnotbehappening.
Itwasalmostthattimeofthemonth,andtherewasnothingIcoulddotocontrolthese

emotions.Itriedtocovermyfacebutknewhehadseenthefirstteardropfall.

Elec’ssmilefaded.“Whatthefuck?”
Ineededtojustleave.TherewasnowaytoexplainmyasininereactiontohimifIdidn’teven

understanditmyself.

Iturnedaroundandleft,slammingmybedroomdoorbehindme.Iclimbedintobed,pulled

myblanketovermyheadandshutmyeyeseventhoughsleepsurelywouldbeimpossible.

Mydoorslowlycreakedopen,andthelampwasturnedon.
“Peaceoffering?”IheardElecsay.
WhenIturnedaround,tomymortification,hewasstandingtherewithadickinhishands.Not

anydick.Mydick.Myvibrator.Mypurplelife-sizedrubberpenis.

Elecwavedit.“NothingsaysI’msorrylikeadickandasmile.”
Iturnedbackaroundandhidundertheblanket.
“Comeon.Wereyouseriouslycryinginthere?”

TheroomwassilentasIstayedunderthecovers.Iassumedhe’djustleaveifIignoredhim.I

knewIwaswrongwhenIheardaclickandabuzzingsoundthenfelttheweightofhimonmybed.

“Ifyouwon’tsmile,thenI’lljusthavetotickleyouwithyourlittleboyfriendhere.”He

touchedittomyhip,andIflinched,pushingtheblanketoffofmyself.Itriedtograbthevibrator,but
hewouldn’tletitgo.Hecontinuedtoticklemewithitinquickmovements:behindmyleg,thebackof
myfoot.

Iwasfightingtheurgetolaugh.“Stop!”
“Notachance.”
Allcontrolwaslostwhenheplaceditundermyarmpit,whichcausedmetogiggle

hysterically.Hisownlaughtervibratedagainstmyear.

HowdidIenduprollingaroundinbedinthemiddleofnightwithElecholdingarubbercock

againstme?

IwaslaughingsohardthatIthoughtImightdiefromit.
Deathbydildo.
Hefinallyclickedtheoffbutton,andittookmeseveralminutestocatchmybreathandcalm

down.

“Whystopnow?”
“Thepointwastogetyoutolaugh.Missionaccomplished.”Hehandedittome.“Here.”
“Thanks.”
Heliftedhisbrow.“Partyinyourpantstomorrownight?ShouldIbringchipn’dip?”
“Veryfunny,”Isaid,placingitinmysidetabledrawerandmakingamentalnotetofinda

betterhidingspotforittomorrow.

Hestayedlyingnexttomewithhisheadleaningagainsttheheadboard.Eventhoughwe

weren’ttouching,Icouldfeelthewarmthofhisbodyaswelaysidebysideinsilence.

Asmyeyeswanderedtohistannedchestandprominentsix-pack,desirestartedtobuildinside

ofme.Hisbriefswerepeekingoutofthetopofhisgraysweatpants.Hislongfeetwerebare,andit
dawnedonmeforthefirsttimehowdamnsexythatwas.Iforcedmyeyesoffhimandstaredupatthe
ceiling.

Hisvoicewaslow.“Ireallydidn’twanttocomehere,Greta.”
Itwasthefirsttimehe’deversaidmyname.
Itsoundedsogoodcomingoutofhismouth.Iturnedtohimashecontinuedstaringaway

frommewhenhespoke.

“Iwasthisclosetoskippingthatflightandgoingsomewhereelse.”
“Whatmadeyouchangeyourmind?”
“Icouldn’tdothattomymother.Ididn’twanthertohavetoworryaboutmewhileshe’s

away.”

“Iseewhyyoudidn’twanttobeherenow.Ididn’tunderstanditatfirst,butafterlisteningto

thewayRandyspoketoyou,Icanunderstandwhyyouhavesomuchangertowardhim.Iguess,what
Ican’tunderstandiswhyyoutookitoutonBentleytheothernight.”

“Whydoyouassumethatthefightwasmyfault?”
“Becauseyouwon’texplainittome,andyouweretheonekickinghimwhenhewasdown.”
Heletoutasingleangrylaugh.“Ialsolooklikethebadguy,right?So,everypersoninthat

dinerjustassumedIflewoffthehandlefornofuckingreasonotherthantobeatupthatprettyboyfor
fun.Imayhavearecord…forunderagedrinkingandsmokingweedonce.Butneverinmylifetime
haveIeverattackedsomeoneoreventhrownapunchbeforethatnight.”

Wow.
“Whywon’tyoutellmewhathappened?”

“BecausedespitewhatyouthinkanddespitethefactthatIlovemessingwithyou…Idon’t

reallywanttoseeyouhurt.”

“Idon’tgetit.”
Hefinallyturnedhisbodytowardmeandlookedatmeforthefirsttime.“Thatfirstdaywhen

youwalkedinonmeinthebathroom,Iwantedtoshockyou.Yousaidyouneversawaguynaked
before.Iassumedyouwerekidding.Now,Iactuallyfeelguiltyaboutpullingthatshitonyou.”

Irepositionedmyself,feelingalittlenervousaboutwherethiswasgoing.“Okay…whatdoes

thathavetodowithwhatweweretalkingabout?”

“Fucknutdidn’tknowIwasyourstepbrother,sowhenyouleftthetable,hestartedbragging

abouthowhewasgonnatakeyoutothatpartynextweek,getyoudrunksomehowandfuckyou.Your
ex-boyfriendmadeabetwithhimthathecouldn’tgetyouinbedbecauseyou’reavirgin.Ifyou
endedupgivingituptoBentley,yourexwasgonnagivehim500-dollars.”

Icoveredmymouth.“OhmyGod.”
Elecnoddedslowlywithasympatheticlook.“So,yeah…Ifuckedhimup.”
“Youleteveryonethinkyouweretoblame.YoutookallthatshitfromRandyoverit!You

werejustprotectingme?”

“Ididn’tknowhowtobreakthatnewstoyouaboutwhattheywereplanning.Butclearly,

tonight,mywarningtostayawayfromhimwasn’tgettingthroughtoyou,soIneededtotellyou.”

“Thankyou.”
“Iliketogiveyouahardtime.Itstartedoutasawaytogetbackatmyfather…tortureSarah’s

daughter.Buteventually,gettingunderyourskinsortofjustbecamethisfunlittlegame.Tonight,
whenyoucried,IknewI’dtakenittoofarandthatforyou,itwasn’tagame.Ashardasitmaybeto
believe,Inevermeanttohurtyou,andIsureasfuckwouldn’tstandbyandletsomeoneelsehurtyou,
either.”

Helookedupattheceilingagain,andhislipsbentintoafrownasheponderedwhathe’djust

said.

Iliftedmyindexfingerandbrusheditsoftlyacrossthespotonhislipthatgottorninthefight.

Heclosedhiseyes,andmyheartstartedtopoundfuriouslyashisbreathingquickenedwithevery
strokeofmyfingeroverhiswarmlip.“I’msorryyougothurt.”

“Itwasworthit,”hesaidwithoutdelay.
Istoppedtouchinghim,andhelookedatme.Thesarcasticglareheusedtogivemewas

replacedwithalookofsincerity.

SinceIhadhisattention,Iusedtheopportunitytochangethesubject.“Youwanttobea

writer?”

Hereturnedhisgazetotheceiling.“Iamawriter.I’vebeenwritingsinceIwasalittleboy.”
“What’sLuckyandtheLadabout?Whywereyouashamedtoshowittome?”
Lookinguncomfortable,herepositionedhisbody.“Ijustwasn’treadytotalkaboutit.”He

smiledandhesitantlysaid,“Luckywasmydog,actually.”

Icouldn’tcontainmysmile.“Youwroteastoryabouthim?”
“Sortof.It’slikeasupernaturalversionofmylifewithhim.Luckywasnotonlymybest

friend,buthewastheonlythingthatcouldcalmmedownwhenIwasyounger.Isufferedfrompretty
badADHDbackthenandhadtobeonmedicationforawhile.WhenmymotherbroughtLuckyhome,
mybehaviorimproveddramatically.So,whilethestoryisbasedlooselyonLuckyandme,it’sreally
aboutaboywhohassuperpowersthatheusestohelpsolvecrimes,buthecanonlydecipherallthe
noiseinhisheadwhenthedogiswithhim.Thedoggetskidnappedasblackmailatonepoint,andthe
restofthestorybecomesaboutgettingLuckyback.It’ssetinIreland.”

“Wow.WhyIreland?”

“I’vealwayshadthisweirdobsessionwithallthingsIrish.”Hepointedtothetwoshamrocks

onhisabs.“Caseinpoint.Ithinkit’smywayoftryingtoconnecttothatsideofme—Randy’sside—
sinceIhavenorealconnectionwithhim.Thatsoundskindoffuckedup,butit’stheonlyexplanationI
have.”

“WhathappenedtoLucky?”
“LuckydiedshortlyafterRandyleftmymother.So,itwasalothappeningatonce.”
Iputmyhandonhisarm.“I’msorry,Elec.”
“It’sokay.”
Lookingdownatmyhandsittingatophissleevetattoo,Ithoughtlongandhardaboutasking

mynextquestion.“Whydoeshetreatyoulikethat?”

Helookedoveratme.“Thankyouforstandinguptohimlastnight.Iwasn’tthatdrunk.I

heardeverythingyousaid,andI’llneverforgetit.”Heclosedhiseyes.“ButIdon’twanttotalkabout
him,Greta.It’salongstory,andit’stoocomplicatedtogetintoattwo-thirtyinthemorning.”

Iwasn’tgoingtopressmyluck.ThiswasmorethanI’devergottenoutofhim.
“Okay.Wedon’thavetotalkaboutit.”Afteralongmomentofsilence,Iasked,“CanIread

yourbook?”

Helaughedandshookhishead.“Wow.You’rejustamillionquestionstonight.”
“IguessI’mjustexcitedthatI’mfinallygettingtomeetmystepbrother.”
Henoddedinunderstanding.“Idon’tknowifIwantyoutoreadthebook.Noone’severread

it.IkeeptellingmyselfI’mgonnafigureouthowtopublishit,butIneverdo.It’snotperfect,butit’s
thestoryI’mmosthappywith.I’mprettysuretherearelotsofmistakesIhaven’tcaught.”

“Iwouldlovetoreadit.AndifIcatchanymistakes,Icanletyouknow.Englishissortofmy

thing.”

Hesmiledandrolledhiseyes.“I’llthinkaboutit.”
“Okay.Fairenough.”
Whenheturnedtomeagain,thegrayofhiseyeslitupinthelamplight.Hemadehimself

comfortableandrelaxedintothepillow.“Tellmeaboutyourfather.”

Hewaslookingatmesoattentively,andittouchedmethathewantedtoknowabouthim.
Isighedandstaredoff.“HisnamewasKeith.Hewasagoodman,aBostonfirefighter,

actually.Mymomwas17whenshemethim,buthewasolder—inhistwenties—soitwasreally
taboo.Hewasheronetruelove.Welivedasimplelife,butitwasagoodone.Iwashislittleprincess.
Oneday,hejuststartedcomplainingaboutacoughandwithinamonth,hewasdiagnosedwith
advancedlungcancer.Ittookhimfromussixmonthslater.”

Heplacedhiswarmpalmovermyhand,whichwasstillgraspinghisarm.Then,heranhis

fingersthroughmyown.Histouchfeltelectric.Ineverimaginedthatjustholdingsomeone’shand
couldmakemefeelmorethananythingeverhadupuntilthatpoint.

“I’msorryyouhadtogothroughthat,”hesaid.
“Me,too.Heleftmesomeletters,oneforeveryyearuntilI’m30.So,onmybirthday,Iread

them.”

“He’dbeproudofyou.You’reagoodperson.”
Ididn’treallyknowwhatI’ddonetodeservethisglimpseintowhatElecwaslikebehindthe

toughact,butIlovedit.Atthesametime,Iexpectedittoendatanymoment.

“Thanks.”Icaughtmyeyeslingeringonhisandabruptlyturnedaway.Heremovedhishand

frommine,andIfeltitonmychinashebroughtmyfacebacktomeethisstareagain.“Don’tdo
that.”

“What?”
“Youturnedawayfromme.That’smyfault.ImadeyoufeellikeIdidn’twantyoulookingat

me—thatself-respectbullshitIfedyou.OutofeverythingIeversaidtoyou,thatwasthebiggestlie,
andIregretitthemost.I’dstartedtoletmyguarddown,anditfreakedmeout.Ineverhadaproblem
withthewayyoulookatme.Myissueisthewayitmakesmefeelwhenyoulookatme:thingsI’mnot
supposedtofeel,thingsIcan’tletmyselffeelforyou.Atthesametime…nothingfeltworsethan
whenyoustoppedlookingatme,Greta.”

Hehadfeelingsforme?
“WhatdoesitlooklikeI’mthinkingwhenIlookatyou?”Iasked.
“Ithinkyoulikemeeventhoughyouthinkyou’renotsupposedto.”Ismiledinsilent

agreementashecontinued,“You’retryingtofiguremeoutconstantly.”

“Youdon’tmakeiteasy,Elec.”
“Sometimes,youalsolookatmelikeyouwantmetokissyouagain,butthatyouwouldn’tbe

surewhattodoifIdid.Thatkiss…waswhyIgotthehelloutofthatrestaurantsofast.Itstartedasa
joke,butitsureashellfeltrealtome.”

Myheartleapedtoknowhe’dfeltwhatIdidthatday.“Areyouattractedtome?”Iimmediately

feltstupidforhavingblurteditout.“Imean…Idon’tlookanythinglikethegirlsyoudate.Idon’t
havebigbreastsanddon’tcolormyhair.I’mlikethetotaloppositeoftheonesyoubringhome.”

Hechuckled.“Thatyoudefinitelyare.”Heleanedin.“WhatmakesyouthinkIpreferthemjust

becauseIbringthemhome?Thosegirls,they’re…easy…forlackofabetterword,buttheydon’tdo
anythingforme,really.Theydon’ttrytogettoknowme.Theyjustwanttofuckme.”Hewiggledhis
brows.“BecauseI’mreallygoodatit.”

Ilaughednervously.“Ifigured.”
Thetensionintheairgrewthickerbythesecond.Nothinghadeverturnedmeonlikethe

sexualconfidencehe’dexhibitedinthatmoment.

Iwasbeyondintrigued…andcurious.
Hiseyestrailedthelengthofmybodyfromheadtotoe.“Inanswertoyourquestion,though,I

preferyourbodytotheirsanyday,actually.”

Overwhelmedwitharousal,Idugmyfingersintomypillowuponhearinghimsaythat.

“Why?”Thequestionhadcomeoutmorelikeasighthanaword.

Hisvoicelowered.“Youwantdetails,huh?”Hislipscurvedintoasmile.Hemovedincloser

tomeasifheweretellingmeallofthisasasecret.“Okay…you’repetite,toned,limberandyour
tits…they’retheperfectsizeandnatural.”Helookeddownatmychest.“Icanseeyouhavebeautiful
nipplesbecausethey’resalutingmerightnow.It’snotthefirsttimethat’shappened,either.”

Ituckedmyhandsundermycheekandrelaxedintothepillowasifhewererecitinganerotic

bedtimestory.Hewhisperedevenlower,“Iwouldlovetosuckonthem,Greta.”

Soincrediblyturnedonbythewordscomingoutofhismouth,Ifeltatrickleofwetnessand

throbbingbetweenmylegs.Urginghimtocontinue,Ibreathedout,“Whatelse?”

“Youhaveanamazingass,too.Thatnightwewenttothemovies,youwerewearingthatlittle

redskirt.Everytimethatprickwoulddraghishanddowntoyourasswhenwewerewalking,itwould
drivemeinsane.Iwantedtobetheonetouchingyou.”

Icouldn’thelpit.Iedgedinevencloserandputmyhandonthescruffonhisface.“Really?”
“You’rereallypretty,too.”
Dyingtotastehismouth,Iranmyfingertipacrosshislipring.“IthoughtIwaspretty

‘plain?’”

Heshookhisheadslowlyandcaressedmycheek.Heleanedintome,whisperingsoftlyover

mylips.“No…justpretty.”

Theneedtokisshimwasoverwhelming.“Kissme,”Isighed.
Hecontinuedtospeakovermylips,hisbreathinglabored.“It’snotthatIdon’twanttokiss

you.Iwantthatsofuckingbadlyrightnow.ButIjust—”

Ididn’twaitforhimtofinish.ItookwhatIwanted,whatIneeded.
Hemoanedintomymouthwhenmylipscoveredhis.Heplantedeachofhishandsoneither

sideofmyface.Withoutthehotsaucefromourpreviousencounter,Iwasabletojusttastehimand
knewimmediatelythattherewasnogoingbackforme.Idon’tknowifitwasmyhormonesorifthe
pastseveralweekswerejustmajorforeplay,butIfeltcompletelyoutofcontrol.Thenoisescoming
fromthebackofhisthroatmademeevenhungrierforhim,andIcaughtthemwithmybreath.

Atonepoint,Irubbedmytonguegentlyaroundthecutonhislipasheclosedhiseyes.Then,

hetookoverandstartedtokissmeharder,moredemanding.Ipushedmybodyintohisandfelthis
erectionpressagainstme.Ididn’tcareaboutanyoftheconsequencesinthatmoment.IjustknewI
neverwantedthistostopandshockedmyselfwithwhatcameoutofmymouthnext.

“Iwantyoutoshowmehowyoufuck,Elec.”
Hepulledawayfrommesuddenly,lookingstunned.“Whatdidyoujustsay?”
Itwasthemosthumiliatingmomentofmylife.
Hiseyeswidened,almostlikehe’dwokenupfromadream.“Fuck.No…no.Youneedto

understandsomething,Greta.Thatisnevergonnahappen.”

Okay,thatwasactuallythemosthumiliatingmomentofmylife.
“Whywouldyousaythataftereverythingyoujusttoldme?”
God,Ifeltsostupid.
Herestedhisheadagainontheheadboard,lookingalmosttortured.“Itwasimportanttome

thatyouknowhowmuchIwantyouandhowbeautifulIthinkyouare—insideandout—becauseIfeel
likeI’vebeatendownyourself-esteemeventhoughitwasn’tmyintention.ImeanteverythingIjust
said,butthekissshouldnothavehappened.Ishouldn’tevenbeinthisfuckingbed,butitjustfeltso
goodtolieherewithyouforawhile.”

“HowamIdifferentfromanyofthoseothergirlsyougiveyourselfto?”
Heranbothhandsthroughhishair,messingitupthenlookedatmewithdarkenedeyes.

“Actually,there’sabigdifference.You’retheonlygirlintheentireworldthat’sforbidden,andfuck
meifthatdoesn’tmakemewantyoumorethananything.”

CHAPTER8

Nearlyamonthpassedsincethatencounterinmybedroom.
Elechadleftmybedthatnightshortlyafterhe’drepeatedthatIwasstrictlyofflimitsandthat

nothingcouldeverhappenbetweenus.Itdidn’tmakesensetomethathecouldfeelsostronglyabout
it,consideringweweren’tactuallyrelated.So,Ifeltthattherehadtobemoretothestory.

TheworstpartaboutwhathappenedinmyroomwasthatElecstartedtodistancehimself.

Therewerenomorerudetexts,nomoreinvitestoplayvideogames.Whenwewerehomeatthe
sametime,hestayedinhisroom,andIstayedinmine.He’dalsobeenspendingmoretimeatthebike
shoporoutofthehouse.

IneverthoughtI’dmisshisinsultsandcrudetalk,butIwouldhavegivenanythingforthings

toatleastgobacktothewaytheywerebeforeIkissedhim—andtoldhimIwantedtofuckhim.

Ugh.
IcringedwheneverIthoughtaboutit.Butinthatmoment,Iwasdrunkoffhimandwantedto

knowwhatthatfeltlikemorethanI’deverwantedanything.Iwasready.

ElecandIhadbothturned18intheweekssincethatnight.Ourbirthdayswerejustfivedays

apart.So,Idefinitelyfeltoldenoughtotakethatstepwithsomeone.Itwasn’tasifIwereintentionally
savingmyselfformarriageoranything.IwasavirginsimplybecauseI’dneverwanteditwith
anyonebefore…untilElec.He’dspentthepastfewweeksmakingitcrystalclearthatitwasnever
goingtohappenbetweenus.

ButImissedhim.
Then,onenightafterdinner,thetideschanged,andIgotalittlepieceofhimback.Normally,

Elecneverateathome,butthisparticularWednesdaynight,forsomereason,hedecidedtojoinus.
EversincethenightIsawhowbadlyRandytreatedhim,I’dallbutavoidedmystepfather,exceptfor
sittingdownwithhimatdinner.MymotherandIwerenotreallyonthebesttermseitherbecauseshe
continuedtoinsistthatitwasn’therplacetogetinvolvedinRandy’sissueswithElec.

Elecwasn’tmakingeyecontactwithmeatthetable.He’djustlookdownandtwirlthepasta

aroundhisfork.Atonepoint,I’dstaredoutthewindowtogazeattheneighbor ’slaundrylinedupand
dryinginthebreeze.Icouldfeelhiseyesonme.Itwasasifhewerewaitingformetoturnawayso
thathecouldlookatmewhenhethoughtIdidn’tnotice.Sureenough,whenIturnedtowardhim,his
headmoveddownwardagain,andhewasbacktoplayingwithhisvermicelli.

Randywasinrareformthatnight,complainingthattheplaindinnerofpastaandredsaucedid

nothingtocurbhisappetite.Heabruptlygotupandwalkedovertothesnackcloset.

“Greta,whatthehellareyoudoingstuffingalltheseunderpantsinsideacanofPringles?”he

yelled.

Mymouthhungopen,andIlookedoveratElec.Westaredateachotherforagoodfew

secondsbeforeElecsnortedandlostit.Webothsimultaneouslyburstintolaughter.Neitherofus
couldstop.

Ilovedthesoundofhisgenuinelaugh.
LookingoveratRandy’sconfusedfacemademecrackupevenharder.
Whenthelaughterdissipated,Elecwasstillsmilingatmeandsaidlowenoughjustforthetwo

ofustohear,“Itoldyoutheyweren’tinmyroom.”

Randyslammedthecanonthetableinfrontofme.Iopeneditandcheckedtheinventory.

“Thesearen’tallofthem.”

Elecwinked.“Ikeptacoupleforme,”hesaidseductively.

Irolledmyeyesandthrewoneathisface.Hepromptlyputitonhisheadandworeitlikea

beanie.Onlymystepbrotherwouldlooksmokinghotwithapairofunderwearonhishead.He
continuedlookingatmewiththewickedgrinI’dlongedfor.Itfeltgoodtohavehisattentionagain,
albeitbriefly.

Thatnight,Iwasjustgettingintomypajamaswhenmyphonebuzzed.

Canyoucomeinhereforaminute?

MyheartracedasIwalkeddownthehall.Whenheopenedthedoor,helookedsoincredibly

sexy.

Hisbreathsmelledlikeminttoothpaste.“Hey,”hesaid,flashinghisbeautifulwhiteteeth,

whichcontrastedperfectlywithhistannedskinandblackhair.

“Hi,”Isteppedinsidetheroomandtookadeepbreath,noticingthattheclovecigarettesmell

wasalmostcompletelygone.

Hewaswearingablackhoodiewiththesleevesrolledup.Itwasleftopenoverhisbarechest,

andhishairwasstilldrenchedfromtheshower.Istaredathislipswherethecuthadlonghealed.The
metalofhislipringglistened,andIhadn’teveryearnedforanythingmorethantolickit,tofeelhis
mouthandtongueagainstmineagain.

Kissingme.
Lickingme.
Bitingme.
Changethesubject.
“Whydoesitsmellsofreshandcleaninhere?”
Helaybackonthebedwithhishandsrestingbehindhishead.Icouldn’thelpstaringattheV

justbelowhisabsandwishedIcouldlieontopofhimagainsthisskin.

“Areyousayingmyroomnormallysmellslikeshit?”
“Didyouquitsmoking?”
“I’mtrying.”
“Really?”
“Yeah…thisweirdgirlwhowalksaroundcommandooncetoldmeitwasbadforme.So…I

thoughtaboutthatandfinallylistened.”

“I’mreallyproudofyou.”
Hesatupstraightandlookedatme.“Well,thetruthis,youwereright.Thatshitwillkillme

someday.Alotofaspectsofmylifemaysuck,butthereareotherthingsthatmakeitworthliving.”

Somethingintheairseemedtoshiftwhenhesaidit,andanawkwardsilenceensued.
Iclearedmythroat.“Whydidyouneedmetocomeinhere?”
Hewalkedovertohisclosettogetsomething.Then,Irealizeditwashisbook.Hehandedme

thebinder.“Iwantedtogiveyouthis.Iwantyoutoreadit.”

“Seriously?”
“Idon’tletanyonereadmyshit,Greta.Thisisabigstepforme.Whateveryoudo,don’tshow

Randy.Idon’twanthimanywherenearit.”

“Okay.Ipromise.Thankyoufortrustingmewithit.”
“Behonest,too.Icantakeit.”
“Iwill.I’lltakemytimewithit.”

***

I’dgonestraighttomyroomthatnightandstartedreading.Minutesturnedintohours.I’dtold

himI’dtakemytimewithit,butthetruthwas,Icouldn’tputitdownandendedupstayinguptheentire
nighttofinishit.

Eventhoughthestorywastoldinthethirdperson,andtheboynamedLiamwassupposedly

onlylooselybasedonElec,itfeltlikeIwasgettingawindowintohismindandsoulthroughLiam’s
character.

ThereweretoomanysimilaritiesthatIknewwerederivedfromhislife,particularlythefact

thatLiam’sfatherwasverballyabusive.ThebeginningofthestorybeforeLuckycameintothe
picturewasquitesad.Atthesametime,itwouldmakemecryinonepartandliterallylaughinthe
next.Therewereactuallylotsoffunnypartsseparatefromthemainplot.

Inonescene,Liamhadacrushonthegirlacrossthestreet,soheaskedLuckytogoherhouse.

HishopewasthatthegirlwouldthinkLuckywaslostandthatthedogwouldleadherbacktoLiam’s
house.Instead,Lucky,whowasabigdog,endeduphumpingthegirl’sPomeranianpuppyoutfront.
Liamwatchedfromthewindowasshetookherpuppyinsideandslammedthedoor.Luckyproceeded
totakeadumponherlawnbeforerunningbackhometoLiamempty-handed.

ButthemainplotsurroundedLiam’sabilitytosenseevilviahishypersensitivehearing.The

informationhereceivedwasnotalwaysclear,oftenjumbledunlessLuckywaspresent.Atonepoint,
Liamtookinformationsurroundingthemurderofalocalgirltothepolice.Itturnedoutthata
corruptpoliceofficerwasbehindthecrime.HehadLuckykidnappedsothatLiamwouldn’tbeableto
helpauthoritiesfinishsolvingthemurder.Luckyendedupescaping,andthereunionscenebetween
Liamandthedogwassotouchingthatithadmebawling.

Everythingwasdepictedsorealistically,fromthevividdescriptionsoftheIrelandlandscape

totheemotionsLiamexperienced.Therewasevenafunbonuschapterwrittenfromthedog’spoint
ofviewattheveryend.Ihadfoundonlyafewgrammaticalerrorsandjottedthemdownina
notebookforhim.

Bytheendofthestory,I’dfeltasthoughI’dfalleninlovewiththecharacters,whichwasa

testamenttohiswriting.Atthesametime,Ifeltclosertohimandwassohonoredthathe’dgivenmea
glimpseintohisincrediblycreativemind.Ineededtofindtherightwordstoproperlyexplaintohim
howamazingthiswas…howamazinghewas.

So,thenextday,IdecidedthatIwouldsitunderashadytreeafterschoolandwritedownallof

myfeelingsinaletterthatIwouldgivehimwhenIreturnedhismanuscript.Ipouredmyheartintoit
andexplainedwhyIfelthewasborntowriteandthatitdidn’tmatterifhisfatherwasn’tproudofhim
butthatIwassoincrediblyproudofhim.

***

Thatafternoon,Iplannedtodroptheletteroffathisroom.WhenIgottothetopofthestairs,

mystomachturnedwhenIheardagirl’svoicefrombehindthecloseddoor.

Giggling
Lipssmackingtogether
Elechadn’tbroughtanyonehomesincelongbeforethenightwekissedinmybed.Ithought

thatmaybehe’dbeenrespectingmyfeelingsforhimorthathe’dchanged.

Iwaswrong.
Knowinghewaswithanothergirlusedtoannoymeandmakemejealous,butthistime,itfelt

different.Itjustmademeincrediblysad.Icouldn’tevenbeartostayinthehouse,soIleftthebook
alongwiththenoteinfrontofhisdoorandranbackdownthestairs,worriedthathiswritingwasn’t
theonlythingI’dfalleninlovewith.

CHAPTER9

Itupsetmethathehadn’tevenacknowledgedmyletterafterseveraldays.
Victoriahadalsogivenmenochoicebuttofinallytellherthetruthaboutmyfeelingsfor

Elec.Shewouldn’tstoptalkingabouthowshecouldn’tunderstandthefactthatheneveraskedherout
againaftertheirkissatthediner.Ihadnopatienceforitanymoreandtoldhereverythingthathad
happenedbetweenus.Shewasshocked,butatleastitgothertostoptalkingabouthimonceandfor
all.

Eleccontinuedtobasicallyignoremeoverthenextweek.Hetookonmorehoursatthebike

shopandduringtheothertimes,stayedinhisroomwiththedoorclosed.HeobviouslyknewthatI’d
overheardthegirlinhisroomthatdaysinceIhadleftthebookonthegroundoutside.Heclearly
didn’tcaretoapologizeoraddresswhatimpactthatmighthavehadonmyfeelings.

So,whenCoreyJamesonaskedmeoutonadatethatweek,Isaidyes.Coreywasprobablyone

ofthesweetestguysatschool.Truly,Iwasnotphysicallyattractedtohimbutneededadistractionand
knewatleast,wewouldhaveagoodtimetogether.HewasoneofthefewmalesI’dconsidereda
friend,althoughitwasobvioushewantedtobemore.

Fridaynightrolledaround.IhadstyledmyhairintowavesandputonaroyalbluedressI’d

boughtonsaleatthemall,butmyenthusiasmlevelwasthesameasifIweregoingovertoVictoria’s
towatchamovie.

WhenCoreycametothedoor,mymotheropeneditandyelledupstairs,“Greta,yourdateis

here!”

TherewaslowmusiccomingfromElec’sroom,andthedoorwasclosed.Apartofme

wantedhimtoseemeleavingwithCorey,butanotherpartdidn’twanttodealwithhim.

Coreywaswaitingatthebottomofthestairswithflowers,andthatmademefeeloddly

embarrassedforhim.IcouldneverpictureElecpickingupagirlandhandingherGerberadaisies.
Let’sfaceit;hedidn’tneedto.

“Hey,Corey.”
“Hey,Greta.Youlookawesome.”
“Thanks.”
“DoyoumindifIuseyourbathroomrealquickbeforeweleave?”
IhesitatedtosendhimupstairsintheeventElecweretocomeoutofhisroom.“Sure.It’s

upstairs.Justtakealeft,andit’sattheendofthehall.”

Iwaitedonastoolatthecounter.
“Heseemstotallynice,”mymothersaid.
“Heis,”Isaid,placingtheflowersintoavase.
Thatwastheproblem.I’dgrowntolovealittlemeanmixedinwithmynice.
Afterafive-minutewait,Coreyhadanoddlookonhisfacewhenhereturned.
“Areyouready?”Iasked.
“Sure,”hesaidwithoutmakingeyecontact.HewalkedinfrontofmeandledmetohisFocus

parkedoutfront.

Hewasstillactingstrangeafterwegotinthecarandbeforehestartedtheengine,heturnedto

me.

“Iranintoyourstepbrotherupstairs.”
Iswallowedthelumpinmythroat.“Oh?”
“Hesaidtogiveyouthese,thatyou’dlefttheminhisroom.”Hehandedmeapairofpinklace

panties,thesecondtolastpieceofunderwearthatElechadbeenharboring.

Itookthemandstaredoutintothestreetindisbelief,confusedastowhetherIwasangryor

slightlyamused.

WhenIcomposedmyself,Iturnedtohim.“He’sjusttryingtomesswithyou…andme.It’s

sortofwhathedoes.Iknowthissoundssilly,buthetookallofmyunderwearasajokeandhasn’t
giventhemallback.Nothingelseisgoingon.”

Hesighedbutstillseemedalittleuncomfortable.“Okay.Thatwasjustreallyweird.”
“Iknow.Believeme.I’msorry.”
Coreywaslookingstraightaheadattheroad,soItookoutmyphoneanddiscreetlysentElec

atext.

Greta:Whywouldyoudothat???

Elec:Don’tgetyour“pantiesinabunch.”Itwasfunnyandyouknowit.

Greta:Itwasn’tfunnytohim.

Elec:Youdon’tevenlikehim.

Greta:Howwouldyouknowthat?

Elec:Becauseyoulikeme.

Greta:You’refullofyourself.

Elec:Youwantedtobefullofmetooonce,remember?

Myjawdropped.

Greta:Whydoyoualwaysdothis?

Elec:What’sthat?

Greta:Revertbacktoyourinnerasshole.

Elec:Inherasshole,huh?

Greta:Yousuck!

Elec:Ido…verywell.I’dshowyouifIcould.

Greta:Whyareyoudoingthis?

Elec:BecauseIcan’tfuckingstop.

Iwasn’tgoingtowriteback.Hetextedagain.

Elec:Comehome.

Greta:What?

Elec:Comehome.Hangoutwithme.

Greta:No!

IshutoffmyphoneandglancedoveratCoreywhowasstilllookingaheadquietly.
Elecwasoutofhismind.Whodidhethinkhewas,tryingtopreventmefromcasuallydating

whilehecontinuedtowhorehimselfout?

Elechadcastashadowovertherestofthenight,andwhilewewereabletomakesmalltalkat

theMexicanrestaurant,IknewthatCoreywastotallyturnedoffbywhatElecdid.Thesickthingwas,
Iwasn’teventhatmad.IfIwerebeinghonestwithmyself,itsecretlysatisfiedmethatEleccared
enoughtowanttosabotagemydate.

ItriedtofocusmyattentionsolelyonCoreyandwasdoingahalf-assedjobwhileeatingmy

flandessert.AllIcouldthinkaboutwasElec.He’dnotonlygottenundermyskintonight,he’d
hijackedmyentiremind.

Myphonechimedjustasweweregettingreadytopaythebill.

Ineedyoutocomehome.

Greta:No.

Elec:I’mnotmessingaroundthistime.Something’shappened.

Mystomachsuddenlyfeltunsettled.

Greta:Everythingok?

Elec:Noonehurtoranything.Weneedtotalk.

Greta:Ok.

Elec:Whereareyou?WillitbefasterifIcomegetyou?

Greta:No,Coreywilltakemehome.

Elec:Ok.Don’ttaketoolong.

Myheartwaspounding.
Whatwasthisabout?
I’dmadeupastoryaboutseverestomachpainsandaskedCoreyifhewouldn’tminddriving

mestraighthome.Hewasn’ttoothrilled,butthenagain,thewholenightwasshotafterwhatElec
pulled.

Icouldn’tgethomefastenough.
Coreyhadn’tevenwaitedformetogoinsidebeforehedroveoff.Iheadedstraightupthe

stairsandknockedonElec’sdoorbeforeopeningit.

Hewassittingonthebedwaitingformewithatroubledlookedonhisface.Actually,I’dnever

seenhimlooksoupset.Hegotupfromthebedandcaughtmeoffguardwhenheimmediatelypulled
meintoahug.“Thankyouforcomingback.”

Hisheartwasbeatingthroughhischestasheheldmefirmly.Mybodyyearnedforhimtohold

meeventighter.

“What’swrong,Elec?”
Hereleasedmethenledmebythehandovertothebedwherewebothsatdown.“Ihavetogo

backtoCalifornia.”

AllofthefoodI’djustconsumedfeltlikeitwascominguponmeatonce.
“What?”IputmyhandonhiskneebecauseitfeltlikeIwaslosingmybalance.“Why?”
“Mymotherisback.”
“Idon’tunderstand.ShewassupposedtobeinEnglanduntilthesummer.”
Helookeddownatthegroundandhesitatedbeforelookingupatmewithmelancholyinhis

eyes.“WhatI’mabouttotellyoucan’tleavethisroom.Youcan’ttellyourmother,andyouabsolutely
cannottellRandy.Promiseme.”

“Ipromise.”
“Mymotherwasn’tinEngland.ShortlybeforeIcamehere,shecheckedherselfintoahospital

forseveredepressionandsubstanceabuseoutinArizona.Itwassupposedtobeasix-month
program,andthenshewasgoingtostaywithafriendfortheremainingtimeuntiltheendofmy
schoolyear.”

“Whydidn’tshetellRandythetruth?”
“Mymotherisaverytalentedpainter.Iknowyouknowthat.Anyway,shewasofferedan

opportunitytoteachinLondonforayearandusedthatastheexcuseshegaveRandyeventhoughshe
turneditdown.She’sashamedtolethimknowhowbadthingshavegotten.Beforeshedecidedto
checkherselfintotheprogram,she’doverdosedonsomesleepingpills,andIfoundheronthe
ground.Ithoughtshewasdead.”

“Thatwasthenightmareyouwerehaving.”
“What?”
“Thenightyouwereyellinginyoursleep,youweresaying‘Mami,wakeup.’”
“Yeah.Thatmakessense.Idreamaboutitalot,actually.Mymotherisaweakperson.Ever

sinceRandylefther,she’sneverbeenthesame.IwasafraidI’dlosther.She’sallIhave.”

Isqueezedhisknee.“Doyoureallythinkourparentshadanaffairandthatheleftyourmother

formine?”

“Iknowhecheatedonmymother,becauseIhackedintohiscomputer.Hemetyourmother

onlinewhilehewasstillmarriedtomine.He’dsayhewasgoingawayonbusiness,buthewasreally
comingtoBostontovisitSarah.Iwouldn’tlietoyouaboutthat.”

“Ibelieveyou.”
“InSarah’sdefense,I’mnotsurewhatstoryhefedher.Hemayhavetriedtoplayitofflikehe

wasseparated.Youknowhowyoutoldmeyourfatherwasyourmother ’sonetruelove?”

“Yeah…”
“Well,that’swhatRandywastomymothereventhoughitmaynothavebeenreciprocal.He’s

ahorriblefather,butthatdidn’tseemtomattertoher.She’sbasicallyobsessedwithhimandhas
alwaysbasedherself-worthonhisactionstowardher.She’sobsessedwithSarahnow,too.It’sa
sickness.There’ssomuchmoretothisstory,butI’mjusttellingyouwhatyouneedtoknowasit
relatestoyouandme.”

“WhenyousaidIwasforbidden…isitsimplybecauseI’mSarah’sdaughter?”

Hesmiledandcaressedmycheekwiththebackofhishand.“Youlookjustlikeher.My

motherthinksthathermarriageendedbecauseofSarah.Shehatesyourmotherprobablymorethan
anyone.Deepdown,IknowhewouldhavefoundawaytoleaveMamianyway,butshe’sinextremely
badshape.Shecouldneverhandleitifsheeverfoundouttherewassomethinggoingonbetweenme
andSarah’sdaughter.”

“Whydidshecomehomeearly?”
“Shethinksshe’sdoingbetter.She’snot,Greta.Icanhearitinhervoice,buttheylethercheck

outanyway.Thefriendwhowassupposedtowatchoverherflakedoutandisn’tevenintown.I’m
scaredforhertobealone.That’swhyI’mleavingtomorrowmorning.Myflightisalreadybooked.
RandythinksherjobfellthroughandcouldcarelessthatI’mgoingback.”

Ateardropfellfrommycheek.“Ijustwasn’texpectingthis.”Ileanedagainsthischestashe

wrappedhisarmaroundme.WesatinsilenceuntilIlookedupathim.“I’mnotreadyforyouto
leave.”

“SwallowingmyprideandcomingtolivewithRandysomymothercouldtrytogetbetterand

nothavetoworryaboutme,wasoneofthehardestthingsIeverhadtodo.Itwashellatfirst,butyou
werealittlepieceofheaveninthemidstofitall.IneverthoughtI’dgofromdreadingbeinghereto
dreadingleaving,butthat’showIfeelrightnow.Iwanttostaybutonlybecauseofyou.Iwanttobe
abletoprotectyouandnotnecessarilyinabrotherlyway,andthat’sfuckedup.”

Igrabbedhishand.“Igetit.”
Hewrappedhisfingersinsidemineandleanedin,lightlypressinghislipsagainstmy

forehead.“Ifeellikeyouseemeinwaysthatmostdon’t.Gettingyoutohatemewasimpossible
becauseyouknewthatwasn’treallyme.Thankyouforbeingsmartenoughtoseethroughme.”

Icouldn’thelpit.Iwrappedmyarmsaroundhimandbreathedinthesmellofhisskinand

cologne,wantingtoburnitintomemory.

He’dbegonetomorrow.
Imightneverseehimagain.
Hisbreathingquickenedthenheletgoofme.
Ilookedaroundathisbagsandrealizedtherewasstillalotlefttopack.“Doyouneedmeto

helpyou?”

“Pleasedon’ttakethisthewrongway.”
Ichewedmybottomlip.“Okay.”
“WhatIneedisforyoutogobacktoyourroom.It’snotbecauseIdon’twanttospendtime

withyou.It’sbecauseIdon’ttrustmyself.”

“Iwanttostayherewithyou.”
“WiththewayI’mfeelingrightnow,Ijustcan’tbeinthesameroomwithyou.Iwasawreck

whenyouwentoutonthatdatewithflowerboy.AndthatwasbeforeIfoundoutIwasleaving.Then,
youcomeinherelookingsofuckingbeautifulinthatdress.Ionlyhavesomuchcontrol.”

“Idon’tcareifsomethinghappens.Iwantitto.”
Helookeddownatthegroundandshookhishead.“Wecan’tletit.”Elecwasquietthenlooked

meintheeyes.“Theotherday,youknewIhadagirlover.Nothinghappened.Shetried,butIcouldn’t
getitup.Itdidn’tfeelright,andit’sbeenthatwayforalongtime—eversincethatnightinyour
room.Youdon’tthinkI’vefantasizedaboutdoingwhatyouaskedmeto,knowingI’dbethefirstyou
wouldgettoexperiencethatwith?Doyouhaveanyideawhatevenhearingthewords‘showmehow
youfuck’comingoutofyoursweetlittlemouthdidtome?Itruinedme.”

“I’dratherhaveonenightwithyouthannothingatall.”
“Youdon’tmeanthat.IfIthoughtyouwerethetypeofgirlwhodid,wewouldn’tbetalking

rightnow.”Heplacedbothhandsonmyshoulders,causingashivertorunthroughme.“Andforthe

record,Ilikethatyou’renotthattypeofgirl.”HeletoutadeepbreaththatIfeltonmychest.“Evenif
yousayyoucouldhandleit…I’mnotsureIcould.”

WestayedsilentforseveralsecondswithoureyeslockedbeforeIgotup.“Okay.I’llleave.”

Myeyesbegantowaterbecausethisfeltliketheend.

HecouldseeIwasstartingtocry.“Please,don’tcry.”
“I’msorry.Ican’thelpit.I’mjustgonnamissyou.”
Hehuggedmeonelasttimeandburiedhisnoseinmyhair.Hespokeintomyear.“I’mgonna

missyou,too.”Ourheartswerebothbeatingfastagainsteachotherbeforehesteppedback.“My
flightdoesn’tleaveuntil10.Maybewecangetbreakfast.”

Iwalkedbacktomyroomindisbeliefoverhowfastthingscouldchangeinlife.LittledidI

know,thingswithElecwouldchangeagainintheblinkofaneyeorshouldIsay,inthemiddleofthe
night.

CHAPTER10

Crushedcouldn’tbegintodescribewhatitfeltlikehavingtogobacktomyroom,knowinghe

wantedmeinthesamewayIwantedhimbutthatwewouldneverstandachance.Itfeltemptyhere
already,andhewasn’tevengoneyet.

Itbotheredmethathe’dhavetoreturnhometothatsituationwithhismother.Notthathis

interactionswithRandyhadbeenanythinglessthanawful,butatleasthere,Icouldhavebeenthereto
supporthim.Hereallyhadn’twonintheparentdepartmentnomatterhowyoucutit.

He’donlyjustbeguntoopenuptome.Iknewthatifhestayed,wewouldhavegrowncloser.I

triedtoconvincemyselfthatthiswasforthebestbecausehewasleavinginthesummeranyway.But
despitemyself-talk,theacheinmychestjustwouldn’tgoaway.

Icouldn’thelpenvyingallofthosegirlsatschoolwho’dgottenthechancetoexperience

beingwithhimonaphysicallevel.EventhoughIconnectedwithhiminadifferentandbetterway,
therewasstilladeeplongingforwhatI’dmissed.

MymothercameinbrieflytocheckonmeandtoaskifI’dheardthenewsaboutElecleaving.
“Youtwoseemedtobegettingalongbetter.It’sashamehewantstogobacknowthathis

mother ’shome.Hecouldhavecertainlystayeduntiltheschoolyearended.”

SincemymotherknewnothingabouttherealreasonPilarwasbackhome,Imainlynodded

myheadasshespoke.Itriedmybesttomaskthetearsthatupuntilthenhadbeenfallingpretty
consistently.Shekissedmegoodnight,andIstayedclutchingthestuffedSnoopydollthathadbeenmy
right-handmansinceIwasthree.

Thatwashowmynightwassupposedtoend.

***

Itwasonlyalightknockonmybedroomdoor.Thinkingback,a“light”knockhardlyseemed

appropriateforwhathappenedafterIopenedit.

Hischestwasrisingandfallingwithheavybreaths.
“Areyouokay?”Iasked.
Forafewseconds,Elecwasstaringatmeasifhedidn’tknowhowhe’dgottentomydoor.

“No.”

“What’swrong?”
Hiseyeshadafrantichungerinthem.“Fucktomorrow.”
BeforeIcouldprocessit,hiswarmhandscuppedmyfaceandbroughtmymouthtohis.Alow

groanfromthebackofhisthroatvibrateddownmine,andIcaughtitwithadeepintakeofbreath.His
chestpressedagainstmybreastsashepushedmebackintotheroom.Thedoorclosedbehindhim.

Whatwashappening?
Hismouthwashotandwetasitdevouredmine,histonguecirclingtheinsidealmost

desperately.Thiswasfarmoreintensethanthelasttwotimeswe’dkissed,andIrealizedthiswaswhat
itfeltlikewhenElecdidn’tholdback.Thiswasdifferentandapreludetosomethingmore.

Hestoppedkissingmeforamoment,andhishandsslidfrommyfacedownthelengthofmy

neck.Hepulledmyhair,bendingmyneckback.Hesuckedonthebasebeforekissinghiswaybackup
andsighingintomymouth.

Mytonguebrushedbackandforthoverhislipring,andherespondedbygentlybitingmy

bottomlipashemoanedthroughhisteeth.

Iwantedmore.
Iwasready.
Therewasn’tadoubtinmymind;Iwasgoingtolethimgoalltheway.
Whenhestoppedtolookatme,ItooktheopportunitytoaskwhatIabsolutelyhadtoknow.

“Whathappened?”

HetookmyhandandledmetothebedwherehesatandliftedmybodyontopofhissothatI

wasstraddlinghim.Theheatofhiserectionpressedagainstmythrobbingclit.Heplacedhisheadin
themiddleofmychestandspokeintomyshirt,causingmybreaststotingle.

“Youwannaknowwhathappenedtome?”hewhisperedinahoarsevoice.“Ifinallyopened

thatletteryouwroteafteryoureadmybook.That’swhathappened.Noone’seversaidthosethingsto
mebefore,Greta.Idon’tdeserveit.”

Iranmyfingersthroughhishair,whichfeltlikesilk.“Youdodeserveit.Imeanteveryword.”
Helookedupintomyeyes.“Thewordsinthatletter…I’llcarrythemwithmeforever.Icould

neverpayyoubackforwhatyoujustgaveme.Then,IthoughtabouthowIcouldn’tevengiveyouthe
onethingyouaskedmefor.ItmademeangrierbythesecondasIwaspacking.IdecidedI’drather
havetonightthannothingatall,too.It’sfuckingselfish,butIwantyourfirsttime.Iwanttobethefirst
onetoshowyoueverythingandtobetheoneyou’llalwaysrememberfortherestofyourlife.But
onlyifyoumeantitwhenyousaidthatwaswhatyouwanted.”

“Iwantitmorethananything.”Ipulledhimtighterintomychest.
Heresisted,staringupintomyeyesagain.Hisexpressionwasserious.“Lookatme,Greta.

BecauseIneedtomakesureyou’rereallyokaywiththefactthatthiswouldendtomorrow.You
wouldneverbeabletotellanyone.I’llgiveyouanythingandeverythingyouwanttonightaslongas
youtrulyunderstandallofthat.Youneedtopromisemethatyoucouldhandlethis.”

“Icanhandleit.IalreadytoldyouthatIwantedmyfirsttimetobewithyouevenifit’sthe

onlytime.Idon’twantyoutoholdback.Iwantyoutoshowmeeverything.Iwanttoexperiencethe
samethingsallofthoseothergirlsdid.Idon’twantyoutotreatmeanydifferently.”

“Iwon’tgiveyouexactlythesamething…butIcangiveyoumore.Okay?Icangiveyou

better.Itmaybeonenight,butIwillmakeeverysecondcount.”

Thiswasreallyhappening.
Whenmynervessuddenlygotthebestofme,Electooknoticeandputhishandsonmy

shoulders.“You’reshaking.Maybethisisn’tagoodidea.”

“Ican’thelpit.I’mgonnabenervous,butit’sinagoodway.”
Iwasstillsittingontopofhimwhenhelookedupatmeinonelastmomentofhesitation.I

reachedforhisfacewithmyhandsandkissedhimdeeplyinanattempttoprovethatIwasasreadyas
Iwasgoingtobe.Ilookedhimintheeyesonelasttimeandsaid,“Iwantthis.”

Hesearchedmyeyesforseveralsecondsthenliftedmeoffhimandstoodup.Rubbinghis

fingertipsalongmyneck,hemovedthemslowlyinascratchingmotionthenwrappedhishand
aroundthemiddleasif…heweregoingtochokeme.Butitwasn’tanythinglikethat.Hejustheld
ontomyneck,rubbingitgentlywithhisthumb.Ifeltmyselfgettingwetfromjustthewayhewas
lookingatme,liketherewasnothingelseintheworldhewantedmorethantohaveme.

“Iloveyourneck.ItwasthefirstthingIwantedtokiss.It’ssolonganddelicate.”
Iclosedmyeyesandbentmyheadback.Hestillwasn’tkissingme,justlightlysqueezingmy

neck.

Finally,hemovedhishandsdownandslowlyliftedmytanktopoff.Hiseyeswereglassyas

hestaredatmybreasts.

Inastupidmomentofinsecurity,Isaid,“They’resmall.”
Hekissedmycheekthenspokeclosetomyear.“Good.They’llfitinsidemymouthperfectly.”

Hishandsthengrippedmysidesandloweredtopulloffmyshorts.“Shit,”hemutteredand

lookedupatmewithanimpishgrinwhenherealizedIwasn’twearinganyunderwear.Ikickedmy
shortsoffandstoodinfrontofhim,feelingvulnerable.

Hejustcontinuedtolookatmeforseveralseconds,anditwasdrivingmenutsthathewas

keepingalittlebitofadistance.

Ashisgazetraveledfromheadtotoe,inasense,everymovementofhiseyesfeltlikehewas

touchingme.

Hetookastepforwardandspokesoftlyjustundermyearlobe.“Isthereanythinginparticular

you’dlikemetodoorshowyoufirst?”

Mybodywasstilltremblinginanticipation.
Everything.
“Whataremyoptions?”
Hescratchedhischin.“Rope,chain,cuffs…belt.”
“Um…”
Heimmediatelytookmyfaceinhishands.“Oh,God.You’resocute.”Hekissedmefirmlyon

thelips.“TherewasasmallpartofyouthatwonderedifIwasserious.Itwasajoke.”

“Ifigured.Ijustwasn’t100-percentsure.”
“So…nothinginparticular?”
“Youcouldstartbytouchingme,maybetakingoffyourclothes,too.”
“Youwantmetotakeoffmyclothes,huh?”
“Isn’tthatusuallyhowitworks?”
Heslowlyshookhisheadandnippedmynose.“No.”
“No?”
“You’lltakeoffmyclothes.Butnotuntilweplayalittlebit.”
“Play?”
“Youhavenoexperience.Ican’tjustgetnakedandstartfuckingyou.Youneedtobereadyfor

me.It’sgonnahurtthefirsttimenomatterwhat,soweneedtomakesureyou’reaswetaspossible.
Sometimes,lessismoreatfirstbecausethemoreIwithhold,themoreyou’llwantit,themoreready
you’llbe.”

Leadingmeovertothebed,helaybackagainsttheheadboardandpulledmeintoasitting

positionontopofhim.Hewasfullyhardbeneathme.

“Youfeelready,”Ijoked.
“I’vebeenreadysincethedayIwalkedinthedoor,tookonelookatyouandrealizedIwas

fucked.”

“You’vealwayswantedmelikethis?”
Henodded.“Ididareallygoodjobofhidingitforawhile,didn’tI?”
“Youcouldsaythat.”
Hepushedmedownoverthehard-onburstingthroughhiscamouflagecargoshorts.“It’s

prettyobviousnow,wouldn’tyousay?”

IwasthrobbingbetweenmylegsasIrubbedmyhandsovertheblackt-shirtthatstretched

againsthistorso.“Yes.”

Likethedarkeningofatheaterbeforethestartofamovie,thelightnessofhisexpression

faded,indicatingthatthingswereabouttobegin.Hewrappedhishandsaroundmyneckagain.Heslid
themdownandcuppedmybreasts,massagingthemslowlyandfirmlyasIboredownontohisshorts.
Ipressedmyselfintohiscocktosatisfythearousalthatwasbuildinginmewitheverymovementof
hishands.

Hekeptonehandonmybreastandliftedhisotheronetomyface,rubbinghisthumbovermy

mouththenpushingtwoofhisfingersinside.“Suck.”

Hisskintastedsalty.Isqueezedthemusclesbetweenmylegs,sostimulatedbylookonhisface

ashewatchedhisfingersmovinginandoutofmymouth.

Whenhepulledthemout,herubbedthewetnessofmysalivaovermyrightnippleandlicked

hisotherhandbeforerubbinghisfingersovermyleft.

“They’reperfect.”Elecslidbothhandsdownmytorsoandwrappedthemaroundme,

squeezingmyass.“Soisthis.”Hegaveitalightsmackandsmiled.“Iwanttodothingstothis,”he
saidashegrippeditharder.

Iwantedhimtokissmesobadlyorputhismouthonmeinsomewaywhilehetouchedme,

buthejustcontinuedlookingatmeashemassagedmyass.Slippingmyhandsunderhist-shirt,I
continuedtogrindoverhiscock.“CanItakethisoff?”

“Okay…butjusttheshirt.”
Ilifteditoverhishead,causinghistousledhairtobecomeevenmessier.Imarveledatthe

contoursofhiscut,tannedchest.Hehadasmallnippleringontheleftside.I’dseenhimshirtless
manytimesbeforebutneverupclosewiththeabilitytotouchhim.

Imovedmyhandsoverthetattoosonhisarms,thewordLuckyonhisrightandthefullsleeve

onhisleftanddowntotheshamrocksonhisrippledstomach.Iranmyfingersdownthehappytrail
ofhairthatledintohisshorts.Hetightenedhisabsatmytouch,andIfelthiscocktwitchunderme.

“Sensitivespot?”
“Itwas…whenyoutouchedmyabs.”
Ibentdownandkissedhischestgently,andthatintimategestureseemedtohavehadaneffect

onhim.WhenIbackedaway,hecaughtmeoffguardwhenhepushedmebackdownonhimandheld
methereforawhile.Mybarechestwasplasteredagainsthisheartthatwasbeatinguncontrollably
fast.

“Whyisyourheartracing?”Iasked.
“You’renottheonlyonewho’stryingsomethingnew.”
“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“I’veneverbeenanyone’sfirstbefore.”
“Really?”
“Yeah…really.”
“Areyounervous?”
“Ijustdon’twanttohurtyou.”Thewayhelookedatmewhenhesaiditmademerealizehe

wasn’treallytalkingaboutthephysicalpain.Hedidn’twantmegettingattachedtohim.

Mychesttightened,andIwasprettysureitwasaliewhenIsaid,“Youwon’t.”
Youwill,butIwantyouanyway.
“Iwanttojusttakeyousofuckingbadlyrightnow,butI’mholdingbackbecauseI’mscared

ofwhatthiswilldotoyouinmorewaysthanone.”

“Elec,youaskedmewhatIwanted.WhatIwantisforyounottoholdback.Wejusthave

tonight.Please…don’tholdback.”

Forthefirsttimesincehe’dwalkedintheroom,hekissedmewiththesameferventhungerI

craved,lashingmewithhistongueandgroaningintomymouth.Heflippedmeoverontomyback
andkneeledaboveme,lockingmeinwithhisarms.Hisdisheveledhairfelloverhisbeautifulgray
eyesashelookeddownatmeandonceagainstucktwoofhisfingersinmymouth.Irealizedthatif
heweregoingtobecomfortablelettinggoofhisapprehension,Ineededtostepitup.

Iheldontohishandandsuckedonhisfingershard,takingthemdeeplydownmythroat.His

eyeswerehalfshutwhileheintentlywatchedmedoitashelickedhislips.Then,hereacheddown
andspreadmylegsopenwide.

“Beautiful,”hewhisperedasheslippedhisfingerinsideofme.“God,you’resowet.”He

moveditoutofmeandreplaceditwithtwofingersthenexttime,pushingthemintomeslowlyas
deepasthey’dgo.Igasped.

“Feelgood?”
“Yes.”
Hestartedtomovehisfingersinandoutofmeharderandfaster.IcouldevenhearhowwetI

was.Squeezingmybreaststogether,Ibentmyheadback,andmybodybucked.Istartedtolose
control,movingmyhipstomeethishand.Heknewitwhenhepulledhisfingersoutofmesuddenly.
“Don’tcomeyet,”hesaid.

HeflippedmeoversothatIwasontopofhimagainandmovedmebackandforthoverhis

cock.Hisshortsweresoakedfromme.Atanygivenmoment,IcouldhavecomeifIletmyself.

ItseemedhehadtheabilitytosensewhenI’dhitabreakingpoint.Hestoppedmeandbacked

away.

“Doyoufeelreadynow?”
“Yes.I’vebeenready.”
“Iwantyoutotouchyourself.”
Iwaskneelingoverhimasmyfingersrubbedovermyclit.Mykneesstartedtoshake.
“Whatdoyouwant,Greta?”
“Iwanttoseeyounaked.”
“Then,takewhatyouwant.”
Iunzippedhisshortswithmyfreehand,andhehelpedmepushthemdown.Whenhiscock

sprungforwardoutofhisboxers,itshockedmejustasmuchasithadwhenI’dwalkedinonhim.

Hesmiled,knowingfullwellthereasonbehindmyreaction.“Somethingwrong?”
“Ijust…”
Hewasstiflingalaugh.“Youlooklikeyouhavesomequestions.”
“Notreally…I—”
“Getthemoutofthewaynow.”
Igotmyfirstup-closelookatthecircularbarbellpiercing.“Willitbreakthecondom?”
“That’sneverhappened.Iuseasturdykindandextralargeforthatreason…andextralarge

fortheotherreason.”Hewinked.

Ilaughednervously,seriouslynotunderstandinghowhewasgoingtofitinsideofme.“Does

ithurtyou?”

“Ittookalongtimetohealbutnow,notintheleast.”
“Willithurtme?”
“I’vebeentolditactuallyenhancesthepleasure.”
“Wow.”
“Anythingelse?”
“No.I’mgood.”
“Yousure?Now’syourchancetorun.”
Ileaneddownandpressedmylipstohis,andwebothlaughedthroughthekiss.
Icouldfeelthemetalfromthepiercingashiscockslidagainstmystomach.Iclenchedthe

musclesbetweenmylegswitharenewedneedtosatisfymyself.

Heliftedmeoffofhimandplacedmyhandonhiscock.“Touchmewhileyoutouchyourself

andlistenifItellyoutostop.”

Withonehandonmyclitandtheotheronhim,Ididashesaid.Nothinghadeverturnedmeon

morethanseeingthemoisturebuildathistipwitheverystrokeofmyhand,tofeelhimhotandslick,
growingevenlargerthanbefore.Ilovedwatchinghimwatchme.

Hewasbreathinguncontrollably.“Stop.”
“Iwanttofeelyouinsideofmenow,”Isaid.
“Youwill.There’ssomethingelseIneedtodofirst…justtomakesureyou’reready.”
“What?”
Insteadofansweringme,heslidhisbodydownundermeandliftedmeup.Istillwasn’tsure

exactlywhathewasdoing,butthenitbecameabundantlyclearwhenhepositionedhisfaceright
underneathmycrotch.IgaspedwhenIfeltit:themostamazingsensationofmylife.Icouldhave
neverimaginedhowgoodhishotmouthpressingagainstmewouldfeel.Histonguebrushedacross
mymoundinslowbutfirmstrokes.Whenhemoaned,itvibratedthroughmycore,andIletoutan
unintelligiblesound.

“Ssh,”hesaidagainstme.“Wehavetobequiet.”
Itfeltimpossible.“Youneedtostop,then.”
“Idon’twantto.Youtastetoogood,”hesaidashistonguecontinuedtolapoverme.Then,he

slippeditinsideofmyopeningwhilepressinghismouthharderagainstmyclit.

Oh.My.
“I’mgonnacomeifyoudon’tstop,Elec.”
Hesuckedonmyclitonelasttimeandslowlyreleaseditfromthegripofhismouth.Iwas

pulsatingbetweenmylegs,shakingandfelttearsstarttoforminmyeyes.

Heslidbackupfromunderme,tookmyfaceinhishandsandsmiledupatme.“Now…you’re

ready.”

Hereachedintothepocketofhisshortsthatwereonthefloorandtookoutacondom.He

rippedthepackagewithhisteeth,andthelookinhiseyeshadmeripewithanticipation.Elecspread
therubberoverhisthickshaftandcarefullysqueezedthetip.

Positioningmeunderhim,hekissedmedeeplywhilehiscockrubbedagainstmysex.I

couldn’ttakeanymoreandwrappedmyhandaroundit,leadinghimintomyentrance.

“Easy,”hewarned.“Thisisgonnahurt.”
“Idon’tcare.”
“Youwill.”Hespreadmykneesbackasfarastheywouldgo.“Holdontomybackand

squeezeme,hitme,biteme…dowhateveryouhavetodoifyou’reinpain,butpleasedon’tscream.
Theycan’tknowwe’reinhere.”

EvenaswetasIwas,itburnedlikehellwhenhefirsttriedtoenterme.Idugmynailsintohis

backtocurbthediscomfort.Ibreathedthroughitashestretchedme.Eventually,thepainbecame
tolerable.I’llneverforgetthewayitfeltwhenhewasfullyinsideofmeforthefirsttimeorthesound
hemade.He’dbeensocontrolleduntilthatmomentwhenheshuthiseyesandpanted.“Greta…this…
you…fuck.”

Witheachsubsequentmovement,thepenetrationwentfrompainfullyuncomfortableto

painfullyincredible.Hewasstilltakingiteasy,buthonestly,fromthelookonhisface,Iwasn’tsureif
hecouldtakemuchmore.

Hepulledoutslowlythenpushedbackinevenslower.“It’stoughertocontrolmyselfthanI

thought.You’resotight.Thisfeelssogood;it’sindescribable.Ineedtocome,butithastobewith
you.”

Asifoncommand,mymusclesbegantocontract.“Iam.Now.OhGod.Elec!”I’dyelledhis

nameouttooloudly.

Heplacedhishandovermymouth.“Shh…ohGod.Greta…fuck…Greta,”hewhisperedashe

came,hiscockpulsatinginsideofme.Icouldfeeltheheatofhisreleasethroughthecondomashis
heartslammedagainstmine.

“ThatwasthemostincrediblethingI’veeverfeltinmylife,”Isaid.

“Yeah.”Hekissedmynose.“AndIhaven’tevenfuckedyouyet.”

CHAPTER11

Thefactthatitfeltemptywhenhe’donlygottenuptogothebathroomwasnotagoodsign

abouthowtomorrowwouldfeel.Hisleavingwasonlyafewhoursaway,andIwasalreadycraving
thereturnofhissmellandhistouchinthetwominuteshewasgone.

Itwasconvenienttohaveasmallhalf-bathroomoffofmyroomsincehemighthavewoken

upRandyandmymotherifhehadtogodownthehall.Hereturnedwithasmallwashclothandlay
backdownnexttome.

“Openyourlegs.”Heplaceditbetweenthemandhelditthere.“Doesthatfeelgood?”
“Yeah,itdoes.Thanks.”
Ireallywasn’tinthatmuchpain,butthewarmthoftheclothwassoothing.
“Doesithurt?”
“No.It’sreallynotbadatall.I’dbeokaytotryitagain.”
“Wewill.Iwantyoutorestupalittlefirst.”
Theroomwasdarkexceptforthelightcomingfromthebathroom.Overthenexthour,hegot

upafewtimestoreplacetheclothwithawarmerone.He’djustlienexttome,holdingitbetweenmy
legs.Wewerebothstillcompletelynaked,anditsurprisedmethatitnolongerphasedmebecause
he’dmademefeelcompletelycomfortableinmyownskin.Ialmostwishedhewasn’tbeingsocaring
andsweettowardme.

Wetalkedalotinthathour:abouthiswriting,aboutmyponderingbecomingateacher,about

ourplansfornextyear.HewouldbeattendingacommunitycollegenearhishouseinSunnyvale.
He’dliveathometokeepaneyeonPilarandplannedtogetajobontheside.

Elecwouldtalkaboutanythingopenly,exceptthesubjectofhishistorywithRandy.Thatwas

stilloff-limitstheonetimeItriedtobringitup.

Thereddigitalnumbersofthealarmclocktauntedme.Itwasnowthree-am.Myheartwas

startingtopalpitate,andIfeltalmostpanicky.Therewasn’tmuchtimeleft.Hemusthavereadmy
mindbecausehe’dsuddenlyturnedmeontomybacksothathewasleaningoverme.

“Don’tgothere,”hesaidovermylips.
“Where?”
“Whereveryourmindisrightnow.”
“It’shardnotto.”
“Iknow.WhatcanIdotomakeitbetter?”
“Makemeforget.”
HestaredatmelongandhardbeforeIfelthishandwrapgentlyaroundmyneck.
Thatseemedtobehisthing.Ilovedit.
“Iknowyousaiditbefore.ButdoyoureallywantmetoshowyouhowIdoit?”
“Yes.”
“Youdon’twantmetoholdanythingback?”
“Don’tgoeasyonmethistime,Elec.Please.”
Helookedatmeforwhatseemedlikeafullminutethensaid,“Turnaround.”
Justthatcommandalonehadcausedwetnesstobuildbetweenmylegs.
ItgavemechillswhenIfelthisstronghandslidedownthelengthofmyback.Then,withboth

hands,hefirmlysqueezedthecheeksofmyassbeforeloweringhismouthandbitingitgently…and
thenagainandagain.

Hewhisperedagainstmyskin.“Iloveyourass.”Hiswordscausedmymusclestotightenin

anticipation.

Iletoutadeepsighwhenhishotmouthlandedbetweenmylegsfrombehindme.The

sensationofhisgoingdownonmefromthatanglewasalmosttoomuchtohandle.Iwasthrobbingas
helickedandsuckedharderasifIwerehislastmeal.Thesoundshewasmakingweredrivingme
crazy.

“God,youtastesogood.Icoulddothisallnight,”hegroanedintome.
I’dyelledoutloudlyatonepoint,andhefistedmyhairtobringmyfacebacktohis.“Shh.

You’regonnagetusintrouble,”hesaidbeforeslidinghistongueintomymouthandkissingmewith
thetasteofmyownarousal.

Hiskissthenmoveddownthelengthofmyback,andhesuddenlystopped.“Fuck,Ican’ttake

itanymore.Weneedtomovetothefloorbecausethisbedwillmaketoomuchnoise.”

Ithrewafewpillowsdownwithoutdelayandgotdownonmyhandsandknees.
Hewasquiet.WhenIturnedmyheadaround,hiseyeswerefixedonmeashestrokedhis

engorgedcock.

“Youonallfourslikethis…nothinghaseverturnedmeonmoreinmyentirelife.”
Watchinghimpleasuringhimselfwhilelookingatmehadbeenmybiggestturnon.
WhenIturnedbackaround,Iheardtheripofthecondompacketandlookedbackonelasttime

towatchhimsheathhimself.

“Relax,”hesaidasheslidonehandupmybackandwrappeditaroundthebaseofmyneck.

I’dgrowntolovetheeroticfeelofhissignaturelightchokehold.Afteraninitialburn,hiscocksank
intomewithease,andIknewrightawaythatthisexperiencewasgoingtobedifferentfromthefirst
time.

“Tellmeifatanypoint,itbecomestoomuch.”
Iknewthatnomatterwhatitfeltlike,thatwouldneverhappen.
Everythrustwasmoreintensethanthelast.HeletoutadeepbreathwitheachonethatIcould

feelonmybackashecontinuedtoholdontomyneck.Hewascompletelyinazone,havingfinallylet
goofallapprehension.

ThiswasElecfuckingme.
Iwantedittocontinue,toseewhereitwouldgo.“Fuckmeharder.”
Thathadcausedhimtograbmyhipsashepoundedintomefaster.Itfeltimpossiblenotto

screambecauseitfelttoogood.Inaweirdway,havingtorefrainfrommakinganynoisebottledup
thepleasureinsidemeandintensifiedit.Istartedtomatchtherhythmofhismovementswithmy
body,andthatseemedtoputhimovertheedge.

“Touchyourself,Greta.”
Imassagedmyswollenclitashesloweddowntoencouragemyclimax.Icouldfeelhimeven

deeperinsidemenow.Hegentlypushedmytorsodownsothatmyasswasliftedhigherintotheair.
Thepenetrationatthatanglewassointense,sodeepthatIcouldfeelthebrinkofmyorgasm.

“Doyoufeelthat?”hewhispered.
“Yes.Yes.It’sincrediblelikethis.”
“I’veneverbeenthisdeepinsideanyonebefore.It’sneverfeltlikethisforme,”hepanted.

“Never.”

“OhGod…Elec…”
“Iwantyoutocomefirst,andthenIwanttocomealloveryourback.”
Hearinghimsaythathadsetmeoff.Mymouthpressedagainstthecarpettomaskthesoundas

myorgasmpulsedthroughme.

WhenhesensedthatIwascomingdownfromit,hepoundedintomefaster.Hepulledoutand

rippedthecondomoffthenIfeltwarmliquidshootoutallovermyback.Thatwasn’tsomethingI’d

originallythoughtI’denjoy…butIlovedit.

“I’llberightback,”hesaid,runningtothebathroomtogetatowel.Afterhecleanedmeoff,

heliftedmeoffthegroundandontothebed.

Thereddigitalnumbersontheclockcontinuedtomakemeextremelynervous.Itwasnow

fourinthemorning.Welaytherefacingeachother,ourlipsinchesapart.

Hebrushedhisthumbalongmycheek.“Areyouokay?”
“Yeah.”Ismiled.“Thatwascrazy.”
“That’swhathappenswhenyouaskmenottoholdanythingback.Wasittoomuchforyou?”
“No.ItwaswhatIexpected.”
“Youexpectedthat…grandfinale?”
“No…uh…thatwasdefinitelyasurprise.”Ilaughed.
“Ihadn’teverdonethatbefore.Iwantedtotrysomethingnew,too.”
“Really?”
“Iwishwehadmoretime.Iwanttodoeverythingwithyou.”
“Me,too.”
Iwishedwehadforever.

***

ExhaustionfromouractivitiesmusthavegottenthebestofmebecauseIdidn’teven

rememberfallingasleep.

Itwasfiveinthemorning,andthesunwasstartingtorisewhenIawoketoEleclyingontop

ofme,lightlykissingmyneck.Hewasfullyhardandhadacondomon.Hisbreathingwaserraticas
hecontinuedtokissmyneckandsuckonmybreasts.

Alreadywetandreadyforhim,IhadwokenupevenmorearousedthanIhadbeenallnight.
HekisseddowntomystomachandbackupthenIfelthimpushinginsideofme.Histhrusts

wereslowbutintense.Hiseyeswereclosed,andhelookedpained.Aninfluxofemotions
overwhelmedmesuddenlyastherealityofwhathadhappenedlastnightandwhatwasaboutto
happentodayhitme.

Theclocktauntedmeagain.Wewererunningoutoftime.
Myheartfeltlikeitwasbreakingalittlemoreeverytimeheenteredme.Hestartedtokissme,

andhismouthneverleftmineashecontinuedtopushdeeperintomeinslow,controlledmovements.
Thistimefeltdifferentthantheothertwo.Itfeltlikehewastryingtotellmewithhisbodywhathe
couldn’twithhiswords.

Itfeltlikehewasmakinglovetome.
Iftherewereanydoubtaboutthat,itwaserasedtheminutehestoppedkissingmeandplaced

hisfaceclosetominewithhiseyesopenashefuckedmeslowly.Heneverstoppedlookingintomy
eyesafterthat.Itwasasifhedidn’twanttomissamomentofitbecauseheknewitwasthelast.This
time,itwasn’taboutshowingmeanything.Hewastakingsomethinghewantedtokeepforhimself.

Thereflectionofmyownexpressioninhisgrayeyestoldmysideofthestory.Ihaddefinitely

lied.IhadliedtohimandtomyselfinsayingIcouldhandlethis.Ithadonlybeenafewhours,butit
feltlikealifetimeofattachmenthadbuiltupinthisroomovernight,anditwasabouttoberipped
apart.

Hisbodyshudderedashisorgasmsuddenlyshookthroughhim.Hiseyesneverleftmineashe

openedhismouthinasilentscream.MymusclesclenchedinclimaxasIwatchedhim.Hecontinued
pumpingintomeslowlyuntiltherewasnothingleftofhisorgasm.

Hisvoicewashoarse.“I’msorry,”hewhispered.

“It’sokay,”Isaid,notevenknowingexactlywhathewasreferringto.Wasitforcoming

beforeIhad?Wasitforhisscheduledabandonment?Wasitbecausehesawthelookinmyeyesand
knewwhatIwasreallyfeeling?Eitherway,itdidn’tchangethefactthathewasleaving.

Elecstayedwithhisheadonmychestuntilhisbreathingcalmeddown.
Whenhereturnedfromdisposingthecondom,Isettheclockforseven.Heleanedhischeek

againstmybreast,closedhiseyesandheldmeforthelasttimeuntilwefellasleep.

***

Whenthealarmwentoff,Ijumpeduptofindthatthebedwasempty.Myheartstartedtorace.
He’dleftwithoutsayinggoodbye.
Thesunwasnowpouringthroughmywindow,addingtotherudeawakening.Iburiedmy

headinmyhandsandcried.Thiswasmyownfault.Iknewthiswouldhappenandhadletit.My
shouldersshookastearsseepedthroughthegroovesseparatingmyfingers.Thesorenessbetween
mylegs,whichdidn’tseemnoticeablelastnightinthemidstofmysex-inducedfog,wasnow
suddenlyprominent.

MybodyflinchedwhenIfeltahandonmyback.
IturnedaroundtofindElecstandingaboveme,hiseyesdarkandempty.“Youpromisedyou

couldhandlethis,Greta.”Herepeatedalmostinaudibly,“Youfuckingpromised.”

Mymouthtrembled.“Ithoughtyouleftwithoutsayinggoodbye.”
“IwentbacktomyroomsothatRandyandSarahwouldn’tcatchmeinherewhentheygotup.

Theybothalreadyleft.Ijustfinishedpackingmystuff.”

Isniffledandstoodup.“Oh.”
“Iwouldn’thavedonethattoyou…leftwithoutsayinggoodbye…especiallyafterwhat

happenedbetweenus.”

Iwipedmyeyes.“What’sthedifference?Itdoesn’tchangetheoutcome.”
“No,itdoesn’t.Idon’tknowwhattosayexceptthatlastnight…itmeantsomethingtome.I

wantyoutoknowthat.I’llneverforgetwhatyougaveme.I’llneverforgetanyofthis.But,youknew
itwasgoingtoend.”

“Ididn’tknowitwasgoingtofeellikethis.”
Hishandswereinhispockets,andhelookeddownatthegroundthenupatme.“Fuck.Neither,

didI.”Whenheleanedintohugme,Ibackedaway.

“No…please.Idon’twantyoutotouchme.That’sonlygoingtomakethisworse.”
Icouldn’tevenspeakasmoretearsfell.IshookmyheadindisbeliefoverhowbadlyI’dlost

mycomposure.

Iclearedmythroat.“Whattimedoyouhavetoleave?”
“Acabiscominganyminute.It’sgonnatakeatleastanhourtogettotheairportintraffic.”
Afreshteardropfelldownmycheek.“Damnit,”Isaid,wipingitaway.
“I’llberightback,”hesaid.
Helefttotakehisluggagedownstairs.Bythetimehe’dreturnedtowhereIwasstandinginthe

samespotinmyroom,acarhornbeepedoutside.

“Shit.Hangon,”hesaid,runningbackoutoftheroom.
IlookedoutthewindowandeventuallysawElecputtinghissuitcasesintotheback.Whenthe

trunkslammedshut,IcouldhaveswornIfeltitinmyheart.

Elecsaidsomethingtothedriverandcamebackupstairs.Iwasstilllookingoutthewindow

blanklywhenhisfootstepscreptupbehindme.

“Itoldhimtowait.I’mnotleavinguntilyoulookatme.”

Iturnedaround.Hemusthaveseenthedespairwrittenallovermyface.
Hiseyeslookedwatery.“Fuck.Idon’twanttoleaveyoulikethis.”
“It’sokay.It’snotgonnagetanyeasierinthenextminute.You’llmissyourflight.Go.”
Ignoringmyearlierrequestnottobetouched,hetookholdofmyfaceandlookeddeeplyinto

myeyes.“Iknowthisishardforyoutounderstand.Ihaven’topeneduptoyouaboutmyrelationship
withRandy.Withoutyourknowingeverythingandwithoutyourunderstandingwhatmymotheris
reallylike,it’snotgoingtomakesense.JustknowthatifIcouldstaywithyou,Iwould.”Hegaveme
achastekissonthelipsandcontinued,“Iknowthatdespitemywarning,yougavemeapieceofyour
heartanywaylastnight.AndeventhoughItriedtostopit,Igaveyouapieceofmine.Iknowyou
couldfeelthathappeningthismorning.Iwantyoutokeepitwithyoutuckedaway.Andwhenyou
decidetogivetherestofyourstoanotherguysomeday,pleasemakesureit’ssomeonewhodeserves
you.”

Elecgavemeonelastdesperatekiss.Myeyeswerestinging.Whenhepushedback,Igripped

hisjacket,temptedtonevertoletgo.Hewaiteduntilmyhandslefthimtoturnaroundandwalkaway.

Justlikethat,he’dexitedmylifeasfastashe’denteredit.
IstoodatthewindowandwishedIhadn’twhenhelookedupatmeonelasttimebefore

enteringthecabwiththepieceofmyheartheknewhe’dtakenwithhim.Asfortherestofmyheart
leftbehind,itwasshattered.

***

Laterthatnight,myphonechimed.ItwasatextfromElecwithalink.

Ontheplane,IfiguredoutifyouscramblethelettersofGreta,yougetGREAT.Greta=Great.

You’reamazing,actually.Don’teverforgetthat.Thissongwillalwaysremindmeofyou.

IttookmeafewhoursbeforeIhadthecouragetoclickonthelink.Thenameofthesongwas

AllIWantedbyParamore.Itwasaboutwantingsomeoneyoucouldn’thaveandwantingtorelivethe
shorttimespenttogetherfromthebeginning.

Ireplayedthesongoverandoveragaininatorturouscyclethatincludedinhalinghisscent

thatlingeredonhisshirtthatIwasstillwearingandonmybedsheets.

Elecwouldonlycontactmeoneothertimeoverthenextsevenyears.
Onarandomnightalmostoneyearafterhe’dleftBoston,IwasoutwithVictoria.Ihadjust

beenthinkingabouthimwhenatextcameinandshookmetomycore.

Istilldreamaboutyourneck.Istillthinkaboutyoueveryday.Forsomereason,Ijust

neededyoutoknowthattonight.Pleasedon’twriteback.

Ididn’t.
Despitethetearsthatfellsoeasilyuponreadingit,Ididn’t.Hehadn’tcontactedmeinsolong,

andIfiguredmaybehewasjustdrunk.Evenifheweren’t,itwouldn’thavechangedanything.I
understoodthatnow.Actually,I’dbecomeanexpertatburyingallofmyfeelingsforElec.Hisbeing
sofarawaymadethatpossible.ThecoupleoftimesIdisappointedmyselfbygivingintocuriosity
andcheckingonline,hewasn’tevenonsocialmedia.

RandyhadalsostoppedgoingouttoCalifornianowthatElecwasanadult.
Evenafterseveralyears,myheartstillachedwheneverI’dallowmyselftothinkaboutour

onenighttogether.So,Ididmybestnottogothere—outofsight,outofmind,right?Thatmottois

justatemporaryfix—untilyou’reforcedtocomefacetofacewithwhatyou’vebeenrunningfrom.
That’swhenthementalwallsyou’vebuilttohidebehindcomecrashingdowninonehardblow.

PARTTWO

CHAPTER12

“Randy’sdead.”
Atfirst,itseemedlikeitcouldhavebeenadream.Itwasthemiddleofthenight,andI’dhad

toomuchtodrinkwhileoutwithfriendsinGreenwichVillagetheeveningbefore.Whenthephone
rangat3A.M.,myheartbegantopoundindread,andtohearthosewordsrightoffthebathadnearly
stoppeditaltogether.

“Mom?”
Shechokedthroughsobs.“Randy’sdead,Greta.Hehadaheartattack.I’matMassGeneral.

Theycouldn’tsavehim.”

“Mom,breathe.Please.”
Mymotherwascryinguncontrollably,causingmetofeelhelplessbecausetherewasnothingI

coulddoaboutitfrommyapartmentinNewYork.

SheandRandy’smarriagehadremainedintactovertheyears,althoughinrecentmonths,

they’dbeenhavingarockytime.Randyhadneverdisplayedtowardmymotherthesamedisrespect
he’dshownElec,buthe’dalwayshadanunpredictabletemperwithhighsandlowsandwasdifficult
tolivewith.

Thetruthwas,mymotherhadlosthersoulmatewhenmyfatherdiedallthoseyearsago.Her

marriagetoRandyhadalwaysbeenoneofconvenienceandstability.Evenwithhismodestincomeas
acarsalesman,heprovidedforuswell.Momneverworkedandwasn’tthetypewhocouldhandle
beingalone.RandyhadbeenthefirstpersontocomealongintheyearsafterDadpassedaway.I’d
alwaysgottentheimpressionthatRandywasfarmoreenamoredwithherthanshewaswithhim.Still,
losinghimwasgoingtoturnherlifeupsidedown.Withmylivingfaraway,he’dbeenherwhole
world,nottomention,thiswasthesecondhusbandshe’dnowlostprematurely.Ididn’tknowhowshe
wasgoingtohandleit.

Istartedtoshake.“OhmyGod.”Itookadeepbreathinanattempttocomposemyself.“I’mso

sorry.I’msosorry,Mom.”

“Hewasdeadbeforeweevengottothehospital.”
Igotupandimmediatelyrolledmysmallsuitcasefromthecloset.“Listen,I’mgoingtosee

whereIcanrentacaratthishour.I’lltrytobetherebymorning.Keepintouchbyphoneandletme
knowwhenyougethome.Issomeonewithyou?”

Shesniffled.“GregandClara.”
Thathadmademefeelbetter.GregwasoneofRandy’soldestfriendswhohappenedto

relocatewithhiswifetothesuburbsofBostonafewyearsbackafterajobtransfer.

WhenIwasabletofindarentalcarplacethatwasopen,Ihitthehighwayaboutfiveinthe

morning.

Onthefour-hourdrivetoBoston,mymindbecamelitteredwiththoughtsaboutwhatRandy’s

deathwouldmean.WouldIneedtoquitmyjobinthecityandmovebacktoBostonforMom?She’d
havetoworkforthefirsttimeinherlifetosupportherself.HowmuchtimewouldIneedtotakeoff
fromwork?Andthen,ithitme.

Elec.
Elec.
OhmyGod.Elec.
DidheknowaboutRandy?WouldhecometoBostonfortheservice?

WouldIhavetofacehim?
Myhandanxiouslygrippedthesteeringwheeltighterasmyotherhandswitchedthemusicon

theradiooverandoverunabletofindanythingthatcoulddrownoutthenoiseinmyhead.

Evenaftersevenyearsandafailedengagementtoanotherman,myonetrueheartbreakhad

remainedatthehandsofmystepbrother.Now,myheartbrokeforhimagaininadifferentway
becausenotonlyhadmymotherlostherhusband,butElechadjustlosthisfather.

Randywastooyoungtodie.Granted,hisrelationshipwithElecwashorrible,butthefactthat

they’dnevermadeamendssaddenedme.NothingstirredupmyemotionslikethoughtsofElecdid.
EvenmovingawayfromMomandRandyneverreallychangedthatforme.

TwoyearsaftergraduatingfromcommunitycollegeinBoston,Itransferredtoasmall

collegejustoutsideofManhattanwhereIgraduatedwithaliberalartsdegree.Rightoutofschool,I
tookanadministrativepositioninthecity.I’velivedinNewYorkforthepastthreeyears,anditwas
therethatImetTim.

Weweretogetherfortwoyears.Timworkedinsoftwaresalesandtraveledalot.Welived

togetherforthelastyearofourrelationshipuntilhisjobwantedtotransferhimtoaEuropeansales
position.He’daccepteditwithoutdiscussingitwithme,andwhenIrefusedtomovewithhim,we
endedupbreakingup.ThemovehadpushedmetomakeadecisionIwouldhavemadeeventually
anyway.Hewasagoodguy,butoverall,thepassionI’dlongedforwasmissing.Eveninthe
beginningofourrelationship,therewasnevertheadrenalineandbutterfliesthatI’dexperiencedin
myshorttimewithElec.WhenIacceptedTim’sproposal,I’dhopedthingswouldchangeandthatI’d
growtolovehimlikehedeserved.Thatneverhappened.

I’dhadtwootherboyfriendsbeforeTim,anditwasthesamesituation.I’dcomparedmy

feelingsforthemtomycrazyattractiontoElec.EventhoughIknewElecwasgonefrommylife,I
couldn’tseemtohelpcomparingeveryonetohim,bothsexuallyandintellectually.Eventhoughit
maynothaveshownonthesurface,Elecwasdeep.Thereweremanylayerstohim,andhiswriting
exhibitedthat.TherewassomuchInevergottoknoworunravel.ButIknewIwantedtofind
someonewiththosesamequalities.OnethingmytimewithElecalsotaughtmewasthatsexualdesire
andfulfillmentwerejustasimportanttomeasanemotionalconnection.

Myotherboyfriendswereniceguys,buttheywereaverageJoes.Anditwassad,butI

preferredtobealonethantogivemyselftosomeonewithwhomtherewasnospark.Ihopedthat
somedayIwouldhaverealchemistryagainwithsomeone.

TheWelcometoMassachusettssignmademeanxious.Therewassomuchthatwasunknown

aboutwhatthenextfewdayswouldbring.I’dhavetohelpmymotherwithfuneralarrangements,and
itwouldsurelytriggerflashbackstothehorribletimewhenwehadtodothesamethingformy
father.

WhenIpulledintoourdriveway,Randy’sNissanwasparkedontheleft,andthesightofit

mademeshudder.Iusedmykeytoletmyselfinandfoundmymotherstaringblanklyatacupoftea
inthekitchenwithnolightson.Shehadn’tevennoticedmewalkingintotheroom.

“Mom?”
Mymotherlookedupatme,hereyesredandswollen.Irantoherandembracedher.
ThedirtydishesfromMomandRandy’sdinnerlastnightwerestillinthesink,bringingto

lightwhatasuddenandunexpectedblowthiswas,howlifecouldchangeinaninstant.

“I’mherenow.I’mhere.Youjustletmeknowwhatyouneedmetodo.It’llbeokay.I’llhelp

youthroughit.You’llbeokay.”

Shespokeintoherteacup.“Hejustwokeupinthemiddleofthenightcomplainingofpains

andcollapsedbeforetheparamedicsgothere.”

Irubbedherback.“I’msosorry.”

“ThankGodyou’rehere,Greta.”
“Whereis…youknow…whereishenow?”
“Theytookhimtothefuneralhome.Claraismakingallofthearrangementsforme.Sheand

Greghavebeenwonderful.Icouldn’tbeartodoit…notagain.”

Ihuggedhertighter.“Iknow.”
Thatnight,Isleptnexttomymothersothatshedidn’thavetobealone.Itfeltsurrealsleeping

whereRandyhadsleptjustlastnight,andnow,hewasgone.

***

Thenextdaywasablur:peopledroppingoffcasserolesandflowers,mymotherretreatingto

herroomtocry,Victoriastoppingintopayherrespects.We’dgrownapartintheyearssinceI
moved,butwealwaysmadeapointtoseeeachotherwhenIcamehomeevenifitwasjustforcoffee.

So,whenMomtookanaplatethatafternoon,VictoriaandIwalkeddowntotheDunkin

Donutsonthecorner.Itwasasmallpieceofnormalinanotherwisesurrealtime.

“Howlongcanyoutakeoffwork?”sheasked.
“Ijustcalledthemthismorning.TheygavemeadayforbereavementthenItooktherestof

theweekoffasvacation.ImaytakeMombacktothecitywithmeuntilshecanfigurethingsout.”

“HasanyonetalkedtoElec?”
Justthementionofhisnamehadcausedwhatfeltlikeaknotinmystomach.
“GregandClaraarehandlingcontactingpeople.I’msuretheycalledhim.HeandRandyhave

beenestrangedaccordingtomymother,andI’mnotsureifhewouldevencome.”

“Whatareyougoingtodoifhedoes?”
Inervouslybitintomyvanillacrèmedonut.“WhatcanIdo?”
VictoriaknewaboutmynightwithElec.I’dtoldherbitsandpiecesbutkeptalotofthe

specificstomyself.Someofitwastoointimatetoshare,andIdidn’twanttodevaluewhatthat
experiencehadmeanttome.Eventhoughitwasonlyonenight,ithadshapedmeinmanywaysand
setthebarforfutureexpectations.

Shesippedhericedcoffee.“So,Iguesswe’lljusthavetowaitandsee…”
“Mymotherismypriority.Ican’tlosesleepoverwhetherEleciscoming.”
ItwasallIcouldthinkabout.
Thatnight,GregandClarahadmeandmymotheroverfordinner.TheyinsistedIgetherout

ofthehousesinceI’dtoldthemshespentmostofthedaycryinginherroomwhilerandompeople
droppedofffood.

Duringdinner,Momwasquietandbarelytouchedherchickenanddumplings.Shedrank

copiousamountsofZinfandelwineinstead.

Thewakewasscheduledforthedayaftertomorrow.Thepitinmystomachwasgrowingby

thesecond.

Ijustneededtoknow.
Ifinallyasked,“HaveyoucontactedElec?”Iswallowedthelumpinmythroatinanticipation

ofClara’sresponse.

“Yes.Ispoketohimtoday.HewasdespondentwhenItoldhim,anditwasn’tclearwhetherhe

wouldbecoming.”

Justknowingthatshe’dspokentohimhadmademyheartbeatevenfaster.“Whereishe?”
“He’sstilllivinginCalifornianearPilar.”
“Didyouhavehisphonenumber?”
Shelookedoveratherhusbandandsaidhesitantly,“Um…Greg’skeptintouchwithhim.We

knowheandRandyhadahorriblerelationship.Greghadtriedtointervenesomeyearsback.Elecand
hesortofbondedintheprocess.Randyactuallyneverreallyknewaboutthat.”

IlookedoveratGregasifhewereholdingallintheinformationintheworldthatmatteredto

me.“Whatishedoingnow?”Myvoicewasshaky.

“Hegraduatedfromcollege,gothissocialworklicense.He’sworkingwithdisadvantaged

youth.Thelasttimewespokewasprobablyaboutsixmonthsago.”

“Really…”
Wow.
ThatwasmoreinformationthanI’dgotteninyears.Itmademebothhappyandsadatthesame

timetoknowthathewasdoingwell—sadonlybecauseIdidn’tknowhimanymoreandhadn’tever
metthemanthathe’dbecome.

Iclearedmythroat.“So,youdon’tknowifhe’llbehere?”
“No.Hewouldn’tsay,”Clarasaid.“Ithinkhewasinshock.Igavehimallofthedetailssothat

he’dhavethem.”

MyhearttightenedinagonyatthethoughtofwhatmighthavebeengoingthroughElec’smind

whereverhewasatthatverymoment.

***

Thesmellofliliesmademesick.EveryoneseemedtobesendingtheStargazerkindthatstunk

themost.Iofferedtodriveabunchofthearrangementsthathadbeensenttothehouseoverto
Thomas’Funeralhome.

Theservicewouldbestartingatfour,butbeforethen,weweresupposedtobegoingoverto

GregandClara’sagainforalightlunch.

Mymotheraccompaniedmeaswelaidouttheflowersinthecornersoftheroomsurrounding

thespotwherethecoffinwouldgo.WealsodroppedoffpicturesofRandyandusfromoverthe
years.Itmademesadthattherewasn’tonephotoofRandyandElec.

Thefuneralhomesmelledlikedamixofmustywoodandairfreshener.Iwasn’tlooking

forwardtocomingbacklaterandhavingtoseeRandy’sbodyormymother ’sreaction.

OnthedrivebacktoGregandClara’s,Iheldmymother ’shand.Shewasdoingbetterthan

expected,althoughIwasfairlycertainshe’dtakensomeXanaxtotaketheedgeoff.

Whenwegottothehouse,IwasrelievedthattherewerenocarsthatIdidn’trecognizeout

front.Thatmeantitwouldjustbethefourofusforlunch.

MyreliefturnedtopanicalmostimmediatelywhenIenteredthehouseandspottedablack

suitcaseoutsideoftheclosetinthefoyer.

ClarahuggedmymotherasIlookedaroundanxiously.
ToonervoustoaskthequestionIwantedto,Istoodinsilenceasmychesttightened.Then,

finally,Itookadeepbreathinandoutandasked,“Whosesuitcase?”

“Elecishere,Greta.He’supstairs.”
Myheartstartedtopoundfuriously,andIfeltlikeIcouldn’tbreathe.Isuddenlyneededair.

“Excuseme,”Isaid,walkingoutthebackdoorandintotheiryard.

Unpreparedtofacehim,Istaredoverattheredtulipsintheflowergarden.Apartofmetruly

didn’tthinkhe’dbeherebecauseofhisvolatilerelationshipwithRandy,althoughthedreadI’dbeen
carryingaroundthepastcoupleofdayswasproofthatanotherpartofmewasreadyingforit.

Ididn’tknowwhatIwasgoingtosaytohim.
Thecoolspringairblewmyhairaround,andIlookedupattheskyasiftoshuntheuniverse

fordroppingthisbombonme.Perhaps,Igotmyresponsebecausethunderrumbledinthedistance.

Callitintuitionorinstinct,somethingmademeturnaroundandlookupattheFrenchdoors

onthesecondfloorbalconythatoverlookedthegardenwhereIwasstanding.

Frombehindtheglass,Isawhim.
Elec.
Hestoodlookingdownatmewithawhitetowelwrappedaroundhiswaist.Ialwaysimagined

whathemightlooklikeaftersevenyears,butevenmywildestdreamscouldn’thaveconjuredupwhat
Iwasactuallymetwith.

Hismessyblackhairhadnowbeenreplacedbylongishsexywavesthatcurledaroundhis

ears.Hewaswearingglasses.

Helookedevensexieringlasses.
Evenfromhere,Icouldseethepiercinggrayofhiseyesthroughthem.
Hisinkedbodywasbigger,evenmorebuiltthanbefore.
Heliftedacigarettetohismouthandevenamidsttheshockofseeinghim,disappointmentset

inthathewassmokingagain.

Elecblewoutthesmokeashiseyesstayedfixedonmine.Hewasn’tsmiling.Hejustlookedat

meintently.Hispowerfulstarealonehadputallofmysensesonhighalert,throwingmybodyoutof
whack.

Myheadwaspounding,myeyeswereteary,myearswerebeating,mymouthwaswatering,

mynippleswerehard,myhandsweretrembling,mykneeswereshakingandmyheart…Icouldn’t
describewhatwasgoingoninsidemychest.

BeforeIcouldprocessanyofthis,awomanwithblondehaircameupfrombehindhimand

wrappedherarmsaroundhiswaist.

CHAPTER13

OnceIfinallybuiltupthecouragetogoinside,Isatatthediningroomtableanddownedthe

wateratmyplacesetting.Mymouthwasstilldry.Itfeltliketheroomwasspinning.

“Areyouokay?”mymotherasked.
Ishouldhavebeenaskingherthat.Inodded,grabbingherwater,tooanddrinkingitall.

Needingtobestrongforher,Icouldn’tallowmyselftolosemyshittoday.

Theyhadn’tcomedownstairsyet.
AfterthemysterywomanappearedbehindElecthroughtheglass,he’dimmediatelyturned

aroundanddisappearedfromsight.Ittookmeafewminutestomovefrommyspotinthegarden.

Hehadagirlfriend…orawife.
Eventhoughthisshouldhavecrossedmymindasalikelypossibilityaftersevenyears,it

wasn’tsomethingthatenteredintotheequationwhenIimaginedseeinghimagain.

Thesoundoftwosetsoffootstepsdescendingthestairsinunisoncausedmetostiffenandsit

straighterinmychair.

Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
Whentheyenteredthediningroom,mybodywentintofightorflightmodeasadrenaline

pumpedthroughme.

MaybeIshouldhavestooduporsaidsomething,butIjuststayedgluedtomychair.
MymotherwalkedovertoElecandpulledhimintoahug.“Elec,it’ssogoodtoseeyou.I’m

sosorryaboutyourfather.Iknowyouandhehadaroughtime,buthelovedyou.Hedid.”

Elec’sbodywasrigid,buthedidn’tbackawayfromher.Hesimplysaid,“I’msorryforyou.”
Ashereluctantlyletmymotherhughim,hiseyesdartedovertomeandstayedthere.I

couldn’ttellwhathewasthinking,butIwasprettysureitwasalongthesamelinesofwhatwas
runningthroughmyownhead.

Thisreunionwasneversupposedtohappen.
AfterMomletgoofhim,Elec’scompanionwentovertohugher.“Mrs.O’Rourke,I’m

Chelsea,Elec’sgirlfriend.I’msosorryforyourloss.”

“CallmeSarah.Thankyou,sweetheart.Nicetomeetyou.”
“I’msorryithadtobeunderthesecircumstances,”shesaidassherubbedmymother ’sback.
MyeyeslandedonherFrench-manicurednails.Shewaspetite,andherbodyshapewas

similartomine.Herlongblondehaircascadeddownherbackinbeachywaves.Shewasgorgeous.

Ofcourse,shewas.
Myinsidesfeltliketheyweretwisting.
Elecslowlywalkedtowardme.“Greta…”
Thesoundofmynamerollingoffhistonguehadmomentarilytakenmebacksevenyearsin

aninstant.

“Elec.”Igotupfrommychair.“I…I’msosorry…aboutRandy,”Istuttered,andmylips

startedtotremble.Itfeltlikeallofthebreathleftmybodywhenhestoodinfrontofme,andIinhaled
theoldfamiliarsmellofclovecigarettesandcologne.Somuchtimehadgoneby,butemotionally,it
stillfeltlikeyesterday.

Likeyesterday.
Theonlydifferencewasthatthepersonwholeftmybedroomthatdaywasstillessentiallya

boy,andthepersonbeforemenowwasclearlyaman.

Ilookedupathimandmarveledathowhe’dgrownevenmorehandsome.Myfavorite

characteristicswerestilltherebutwithsomechanges.Hisgrayeyesstillglowed,butnowitwas
throughthoseblack-framedglasses.Hestillworehislipring,buthadalittlemorefacialhairnow.A
blackpinstripedshirtthatwasrolledupatthesleeveshuggedhischest,whichwasnowbigger,even
moredefined.

Hejuststayedlookingatme.Ifinallyreachedouttohughimandfelthiswarmhandonmy

back.Myheartwasbeatingsofast,itfeltlikeitmightstopaltogether.Onethingthatapparentlyhadn’t
changedwasthewaymybodyinstantlyreactedtohistouch.JustasIclosedmyeyes,Iheardavoice
frombehindhim.

“YoumustbeSarah’sdaughter.Youtwolookliketwins.”
Iseparatedfromhimsuddenlyandheldoutmyclammyhand.“Yes…hi,I’mGreta.”
Shedidn’ttakeit.Instead,shesmiledsympatheticallyandhuggedme.“I’mChelsea.It’sniceto

meetyou.I’msorryaboutyourstepfather.”HerhairsmelledasIexpecteditwould,aclean,delicate
scenttomatchherapparentlysweetpersonality.

“Thankyou,”Isaid.
Thetensionintheairwaspalpableasthethreeofusjuststoodthereinawkwardsilence.
Clarawalkedincarryingapotroastthatshe’dgarnishedwithasparagusspearsonanoval

plate.Iusedtheopportunitytoescapefromthesituationandofferedtohelpherbringintherestof
theitems,leavingElecandChelseastandingthere.

MynervoushandsfumbledwiththesilverwareClarataskedmewithgatheringfromthe

drawerinthekitchen.Iclosedmyeyesandtookadeepbreathbeforereenteringthediningroom.

GregwastalkingwhileIwalkedarounddistributingtheflatware.Acaseofthebutterfingers

gotmegoodasforksandspoonskeptslippingoutofmytrepidatioushands.

Withnothinglefttodo,IthensatdownacrossfromwhereElecandChelseaweresitting.My

eyesstayedgluedtothereflectionofmyfaceonmyplate.

“So,howdidyoukidsmeet?”heaskedthem.
Iglancedup.
ChelseasmiledandlookedadoringlyoveratElec.“Webothworkattheyouthcenter.Ihead

uptheafterschoolprogram,andElecisacounselor.Westartedoffasfriends.Ireallyadmiredhow
goodhewaswiththekids.Theyalllovehim.”Sheplacedherhandonhis.“Now,Ido,too.”

Icouldseefromthecornerofmyeyethatsheleanedinandkissedhim.TheblackdressIwas

wearingsuddenlyfeltlikeitwassuffocatingme.

“That’sverysweet,”Clarasaid.
“Elec,howisPilartakingthis?”Gregasked.
“She’snotdoingwell,”hesaidabruptly.
Ilookedupuponhearinghimspeak.Hehadn’tspokentheentiretimesincesayingmyname.
Chelseasqueezedhishand.“Wetriedtogethertocome,butshedidn’tthinkshecouldhandle

it.”

We.
Shewasclosetohismother.
Thiswasdefinitelyserious.
“Well,it’sbetteroffthenthatshestayedback,”Clarasaid.
ProbablyuncomfortableatthementionofPilar,mymothertookalongsipofherwine.She

knewshewasthenumberonereasonforPilarnotshowinguptoday.

Chelseaturnedtome.“Wheredoyoulive,Greta?”
“IliveinNewYorkCity,actually.Ijustcameintotownacoupleofdaysago.”

“Thatmustbeexciting.I’vealwayswantedtovisit.”SheturnedtoElec.“Maybewecouldvisit

hersometime?We’dhaveaplacetostay.”

Henoddedhisheadonce,lookingextremelyuncomfortableasheplayedwithhisfood.Atone

point,Icouldfeelhiseyesonme.WhenIturnedtolookathimtoconfirmit,oureyesmetforaquick
secondbeforeheshiftedhisgazebackdowntohisplate.

“Elecnevertoldmehehadastepsister,”Chelseasaid.
Henevermentionedme.
Mymotherspokeupforthefirsttime.“Eleconlylivedwithusforashorttimebackwhen

theywereteenagers.”Shelookedatme.“Thetwoofyoudidn’tgetalongtoowellbackthen.”

MomknewnothingaboutwhatreallyhappenedbetweenElecandme.So,fromher

perspective,thatstatementwasanaccurateone.

Elec’sdeepraspyvoicecutrightthroughme.“Isthattrue,Greta?”
Idroppedmyfork.“Iswhattrue?”
“Thatwedidn’tgetalong?”
Surely,thehiddenmeaninginhisquestionwasmeantforonlymetounderstand.Iwasn’tsure

whyhewastauntingmeinthemidstofwhatwasalreadyanuncomfortablesituation.

“Wehadourmoments.”
Hiseyessearedintomine,andhisvoicelowered.“Yeah,wedid.”
Suddenly,Iwasburningup.
Hismouthspreadintoasmile.“Whatwasityouusedtocallme?”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“‘Stepbrotherdearest,’wasit?Becauseofmyglowingpersonality?”HeturnedtoChelsea.“I

wasamiserablefuckbackthen.”

Amiserable“fuck.”Hedidn’tmeanitthatway,butIcouldn’thelpwheremyheadwentwith

that.

“Howdidyouknowaboutthatnickname?”Iasked.
Hesmirked.
Ismiled.“Oh,right.Youusedtoeavesdroponme.”
“Soundslikethoseweresomefuntimes,”Chelseasaidasshelookedinnocentlybackand

forthbetweenElecandme.

“Theywere,”hesaid,glaringatmewithalookthatwashardlyinnocent.

***

ChelseaandIhelpedClarabringthedishesintothekitchen.Infortyminutes,wewere

scheduledtobeatthefuneralhomefortheviewinghours.

Hervoicestartledme.“Whatdoyoudo,Greta?”
Ididn’tfeelcomfortablegettingintothedetailsofmyjobrightnow,soIkeptmyresponse

generic.“Iworkinanadministrativepositioninthecity,justmindlessstuff,really.”

Shesmiled,andIfeltlikeajerkforlikingthatshehadsomelaughlinesandthebeginningsof

crowsfeetaroundhereyes.

Iwasstretchinghere.
“Sometimes,mindlesscanbegood.Workingwithkidsisfulfillingbutexhausting.There’s

neveradullmoment.”

Webothglancedoutthroughtheslidingglassdoor.Elecwasstandinginthegardenalone,

deepinthoughtwithhishandsinhispockets.

“I’mreallyworriedabouthim,”shesaidasshelookedoutathim.“CanIaskyousomething?”

Thisconversationwasmakingmeuncomfortable.“Sure.”
“Hewon’ttalkabouthisfather.Didsomethingbadhappenbetweenthem?”
Herquestioncaughtmeoffguard.Itwasn’tmyplacetotalktoheraboutRandyandElec’s

relationship.Iknewalmostnothingmyself.

“Theyusedtoarguealot,andRandycouldbeverydisrespectfultowardElec,buthonestly,I

stilldon’tknowwhatcauseditall.”

Thatwasallshewasgoingtogetfromme.
“I’mjustworriedthathe’sbottlingstuffup.Hisfatherjustdied,andhe’shardlyshownany

emotion.Imean,ifmyfatherdied,I’dbeamess.”

Iknow.
Shewenton,“I’mafraidit’sgoingtoallhithimatonce.He’snotokay.He’snotsleeping.It’s

botheringhim,buthewon’ttalkaboutitorallowhimselftocry.”

Myheartachedhearinghersaythat,becauseIwasworriedabouthim,too.
“Haveyoutriedtalkingtohim?”Iasked.
“Yes.Hejustsayshedoesn’twanttotalkaboutit.Healmostdidn’tcomeherefortheservice.I

knewhe’dregretit,soIpushedandpushedandfinally,hegavein.”

Wow.Hereallywasn’tgoingtocome.
“I’mgladyoudid.”
“Ireallylovehim,Greta.”
Ihadnodoubtthatshedidandwhilehearinghersaythathadmademystomachhurt,themore

logicalsideofmewashappythatElechadfoundsomeonewhocaredabouthimlikethat.Ididn’t
knowwhattosay.Icouldn’texactlytellherImighthavefeltthesameway.

Icaredabouthim,too.
Maybethatmadenosenseaftersolong,butmyfeelingsforhimwerejustasstrongtodayas

theyweresevenyearsago.Andjustlikebefore,I’dhavetoharborthem.

Sheputherhandonmyarm.“Willyoudomeafavor?”
“Okay…”
“Willyougooutthere…seeifyoucangethimtotalkaboutit?”
“Um…”
“Please?Idon’tknowwhoelsetoask.Idon’tthinkhe’sgoingtobepreparedforeverything

tonight.”

IlookedbackoutatElecandhisstrongstatureashestoodinthegarden.Thiscouldhavebeen

myonlyopportunitytotalktohimalone,soIagreed.

“Okay.”
Shehuggedme.“Thankyou.Ioweyouone.”
Inthatcase,I’lltakeElec.Icouldn’thelpmythoughts,whichwereoutofcontrol.
Thatembracehadmademerealizethatitwasabsolutelypossibletogenuinelylikesomeone

thatyouwereinsanelyjealousof.

Itookadeepbreathandmademywaythroughtheslidingglassdoors.Theskywasturning

grayasifitwereabouttoopenupintoathunderstorm.

Itwasnottheappropriatetimetonoticehowincrediblehisasslookedthroughthefittedblack

dresspantshewaswearing,butnevertheless,Idid.Abreezeblewaroundthesexyblackwavesofhis
hair.

Iclearedmythroattoannouncemyself.
Hedidn’tturnbutknewitwasme.
“Whatareyoudoingouthere,Greta?”
“Chelseaaskedmetocometalktoyou.”

Heshruggedhisshoulders,hislaughfullofsarcasm.“Oh,really.”
“Yes.”
“Wereyoutwocomparingnotes?”
“That’snotfunny.”
Hefinallyturnedaroundtolookatme,blowingoutthelastofthesmokefromhiscigarette

beforepromptlythrowingitonthegroundandcrushingitwithhisfoot.“Youthinkshewouldhave
sentyououtheretotalktomeifsheknewthelasttimebeforetodaythatyouandIweretogether,we
werefuckinglikerabbits?”

Althoughitshockedme,hearinghimacknowledgingthatsentashiverthroughmybody.“Did

youhavetoputitlikethat?”

“It’sthetruth,isn’tit?Shewouldfreakthefuckoutifsheknew.”
“Well,I’mnotgoingtobetheonetotellher,soyoudon’thavetoworry.Iwouldneverdo

that.”

Myeyestartedtotwitch.
Heliftedhisbrow.“Whyareyouwinkingatme?”
“I’mnot…myeyeistwitchingbecause—”
“Becauseyou’renervous.Iknow.YouusedtodothatwhenIfirstmetyou.Gladtoseewe’ve

comefullcircle.”

“Iguesssomethingsneverreallychange,dothey?It’sbeensevenyears,butitseemsjustlike

—”

“Likeyesterday.”Herepeated,“Itseemslikejustyesterday,andthat’sfuckedup.Thiswhole

situationis.”

“Itwasneversupposedtohappen.”
Hisgazefelltomyneckandthenbackuptomyeyes.“Whereishe?”
“Who?”
“Yourfiancé.”
“I’mnotengaged.Iwas…butnotanymore.HowdidyouknowIwasengaged?”
Helookeddumbfoundedthenstareddownatthegroundforthelongesttimebeforedodging

myquestion.“Whathappened?”

“It’skindofalongstory,butIwastheonethatendedit.HemovedtoEuropeforajob.Itjust

wasn’tmeanttobe.”

“Areyouwithanyonenow?”
“No.”Ichangedthesubjectoffofme.“Chelseaisreallynice.”
“She’swonderful;oneofthebestthingsthat’severhappenedtome,actually.”
Punchedinthegut.
“She’sreallyworriedaboutyou,becauseyouhaven’tshownanyemotion.SheaskedmeifI

knewwhatthestorywasbetweenyouandRandy.Ididn’tknowwhattosaybecausethereissomuchI
stilldon’tevenknow.”

“Youknowmorethanshedoes,andthatwasn’tmychoice.Thebottomlineis,hewasacrappy

fatherandnow,he’sdead.Seriously,that’sallmymindcanprocessrightnow.Thishasn’tevenhitme
yet.”

“Itwassuchashock.”
“Mymotheristakingitreallyhard,”hesaid.
“Howwasshedoingbeforethis?”
“Betterthanshewasbackthen,butnot100-percent.Theverdictisstillout,though,onwhat

Randy’sdeathisgonnadotohermentalstate.”

Thewindsuddenlyintensified,andmistyraindropsstartedtofall.Ilookedupattheskythen

downatmywatch.“Wehavetoleaveinafewminutes.”

“Gobackinside.TellherI’llbeinthereinaminute,”hesaid.
Iignoredhimandstayedstandingthere.Ifeltlikeafailure.I’dgottennowherewithhim.
Fuck.Myeyeswerestartingtowater.
“Whatareyoudoing?”hesnapped.
“Chelsea’snottheonlyonewho’sworriedaboutyou.”
“She’stheonlyonethathasarighttobe.Youdon’tneedtobeworryingaboutme.I’mnoneof

yourconcern.”

Ithadstungharderthananythinghehadeversaidtome.
Inthatmoment,he’dviolentlythrownbackandstompedonwhateverpieceofmyheartI’d

givenhimallthoseyearsago.ItdisappointedmethatI’didealizedhimallthistime,comparedallmy
boyfriendstohim,puthimuponapedestalwhenclearlyhedidn’tcareaboutmyfeelings.

“Youknowwhat?IfIdidn’tfeelsosorryforwhatyou’regoingthroughrightnow,I’dtell

youtokissmyass,”Isaid.

“AndifIwantedtobeadick,I’dsayyouwereaskingmetokissyourassbecauseyou

rememberedhowmuchyoufuckingloveditwhenIdid.”Hebrushedpastme.“Takecareofyour
mothertonight.”

Thepastcoupleofhourshadbeenanemotionalrollercoasterofshock,sadness,jealousyand

now…anger.Pureanger.Thetearsstartedtopourdownmyfaceinastreamthatmatchedtheintensity
oftheraindropsnowsteadilyfallingafterheleftmespeechlessinthegarden.

***

“Ididn’tknowRandyhadason.”
Icouldn’tcountthenumberoftimessomeonevisitingusinthereceivinglinehadsaidit.It

mademefeelreallybadforElecdespitehiscrushingmeearlier.

Thesmellofflowersmixedwiththeperfumeofadozenrandomwomenwassuffocating.
MostofthepeoplewhoshoweduptothewakewereeitherRandy’sworkfriendsfromthecar

dealershiporneighbors.Thelinecurledaroundthecorner,anditwasalittleunsettlingtoseepeople
havingeasyconversations,sometimeslaughingastheywaitedtovisitthecoffin.Itwaslikeacocktail
partywithoutthealcohol,anditwaspissingmeoff.

Istoodnexttomymotherwho’dbrokendowncompletelyafterseeingherhusband’slifeless

bodyforthefirsttimesincetheheartattack.Irubbedherbackandreplacedhertissuesanddid
whateverIcouldtohelpherholdittogetherlongenoughtomakeitthroughuntiltheend.

ChelseahadconvincedElectostandinthefamilylineupdespitehisinitialresistance.Ithinkhe

wasjusttoowornouttofightit.

ThemakeupcakedontoRandy’sfacemadeitlookstiffandalmostunrecognizable.Itwas

devastatingtoseehimlyingthereandbroughtbackflashbacksofwhenmyfatherdied.

Elecwouldn’tgouptothecasketorevenlookatitforthatmatter.Hejuststoodthere,stoic

androboticallyshakinghandswhileChelsearespondedonhisbehalfaspeoplerepeatedthesame
phrase.

“I’msorryforyourloss.”
“I’msorryforyourloss.”
“I’msorryforyourloss.”
Eleclookedlikehewasabouttobreak,andIfeltlikeIwastheonlyonewhoknewit.
Ihadtogotothebathroomatonepoint,soIletmymotherknowI’dberightback.Ihadn’t

beenabletofinditandeventuallymademywaydownstairstoanemptyseatingarea.Itsmelledalittle

musty,butitwasarelieftoescapethenoiseofthecrowd.

Uponenteringthequietofthelowerlevel,Ifinallysawthesignforthebathroomattheother

endoftheroom.

WhenIcameout,thehairsonmybodystiffenedatthesightofElecaloneononeofthe

couches.Heleanedintohiskneeswithbothofhispalmsplasteredtoeachsideofhishead.Whenhe
loweredhishands,hewasstilllookingdown.Hisearswerered,andhisbackwasrisingandfalling
fromtheheavinessofhisbreathing.

Thiswasaprivatemoment,andIwasinadvertentlyintrudingonit.
PerhapsitwasthebreakdownI’dseencomingearlierbythelookonhisfaceupstairs.

Nevertheless,Ididn’twanthimtoseeme.TheproblemwasIhadtopasshiminordertogettothe
stairs.

Despitehisupsettingmeearlier,theneedtocomforthimwasoverwhelming,butIknewafter

whathe’dsaidtome,thatitwasn’tmyplace.

So,Iwalkedslowlypasthim.
WhenIgottothehallwaywherethestairswerelocated,thesoundofhisvoicestartledme.

“Wait.”

Istoppedinmytracksandturnedaround.“IneedtogetbackupstairstoMom.”
“Givemeafewminutes.”
Ibrushedthewhitelintofftheblackmaterialofmydressandwalkedtowardhim,takingaseat

nexttohimonthecouch.Thewarmthofhisbodywithhislegpressedagainstminewasnotloston
me.

“Areyouokay?”Iasked.
Helookedatmeandshookhisheadno.
Squelchingtheurgetohughim,Iplacedmyhandsfirmlyonmylap.
It’snotyourplace.
Then,everypartofmefeltitwhenheputhishandonmyknee.Thatonetouchundidany

progressI’dmadeinthehourssinceouraltercationinthegarden.

“WhatIsaidtoyouearlier…I’msorry,”hesaid.
“Whichpart?”
“Allofit.Idon’tknowhowtohandlethis…Randy…you…noneofit.Itallseemssurreal.On

theplanehere,Iprayedthatbysomemiracleyouwouldn’tshowup.”

“Why?”
“Becausethissituationishardenough.”
“Ididn’tthinkI’deverseeyouagain.Icertainlydidn’texpectittobethishard,tofeellikethis

aftersevenyears,Elec.”

“Likewhat?”
“Likenotime’spassed.Forme,it’sbecauseI’veheldontoitall.Inmymind,I’veneverlet

yougo,andit’saffectedmyrelationshipsandmylife.Itwasmanageablebefore,though...beforethis.
Anyway,Ireallyshouldn’tbegettingintoit.Itdoesn’tmatteranymore.YouloveChelsea.”

“Ido,”hesaidabruptly.
Hearinghimconfirmitsovehementlyhadcausedmyeyestounexpectedlywellup.“She’sa

goodperson.Butseeingyouwithsomeoneelseafterthewayweleftthingsisstillreallyhardforme.
Seeingyouinpainisevenharder.”

Ihadcompletelythrownupmywordsandsaidexactlywhatwasonmymindbecauseonce

again,Iwasn’tsureifitwouldbethelasttimewe’dbealonetogether.Itwasimportantthatheknew
howIfelt.Ishookmyheadrepeatedly.“I’msorry.Ishouldn’thavesaidallthat.”

Thepeopleupstairssoundedliketheywereamillionmilesaway.Youcouldhaveheardapin

dropwherewewereallalone.

Iwaslookingdownwhenhishandstartledmeasitlandedonmycheek.Heslowlyslidit

downandwrappeditaroundmyneck.

“Greta…”hebreathedoutwithalevelofemotionI’donlyseenfromhimoneothertime

before—sevenyearsago.

Iclosedmyeyesandrealizedthatforamomentwewerebackinthatplace.Iwaswiththeold

Elec—myElec.ThiswassomethingIneverthoughtI’dgettofeelagain.Hekepthishandonmy
throatandlightlysqueezedit.Itwasinnocent,buttherewasafinelinebeingdrawnwitheverysecond
thatpassed.Histhumbbrushedbackandforthovermyneckslowly.Thefeelofhisrough,calloused
fingerswarmedmyentirebody.Ididn’tunderstandwhatwashappening,andIwasn’tsureifhedid,
either.Iprayedthatnoonecamedownstairsbecausethesecondhesnappedoutofit,myElecwould
begone.

“Ihurtyou,”hesaid,hisfingersstilllockedaroundmyskin.
“It’sokay,”Iwhispered.Myeyeswerestillclosed.
Elecquicklymovedhishandoffofmewhenweheardfootsteps.
“Thereyouare,”Chelseasaidasshewalkedtowardwherewesatonthecouch.“Idon’tblame

youtwoforwantingabreather.Thisnighthasbeenexhausting.”

IimmediatelygotupandofferedherprobablythefakestsmileI’deverconjuredupinmylife.

MyheartwasstillracingfromwhatI’djustexperienced.

“Thepriestisgettingreadytoleadaprayer.Iwantedtomakesureyoudidn’tmissit,”shesaid

tohim.“Areyoufeelingokaytoheadbackupstairs?”

“Yeah…uh…I’mfine,”hesaid.“Let’sgo.”
Hegavemeaquicklookthatwashardtoreadbeforeturningaroundtowardthestairswith

Chelsea.Ifollowedthemandwatchedasheplacedhishandonthesmallofherback,thesamehand
thathadjustbeenwrappedaroundmyneckaminuteago.

***

Afterthewake,GregandClarainvitedafewpeoplebacktotheirhouseforteaandpastry.My

motherfeltobligatedtogo,whichmeantIneededtostaywithheranddriveherhome.

MomandIwerethelasttoleavethefuneralhome,sobythetimewegottothehouse,the

diningroomtablewasfullofpeople.Thehousesmelledlikefreshlymadecoffeeandtheblueberry
sconesClarahadjusttakenoutoftheoven.

IwishedIcouldhavejustgonehomeandslept,though.Tomorrowwouldbeanotherlongday

withthefuneral.Ididn’tevenknowwhenElecwasleavingtogobacktoCaliforniaandassumedhe
wouldn’tbestayingmuchlongerthantomorrow.

ElecandChelseawerenowheretobefound.Eventhoughitwasnoneofmybusiness,I

couldn’thelpwonderingwheretheywereandwhattheyweredoing.

JustassoonasI’dhadthethought,Chelseaappearedinthelivingroom,carryingasconeona

paperplate.Shehadchangedoutofherblackdressandintosomecasualshortsandat-shirt.Herhair
wastiedintoalooseponytail,andsheappearedyoungerwithoutanymakeup.

“Hey,Greta.CanIjoinyou?”ShesatnexttomebeforeIevenresponded.
“Sure.”Iscootedoverontheloveseat.
“I’mgladyoucamebackhere,”shesaid.“GregandClara’shouseisreallynice,isn’tit?I’m

sogladwe’restayinghereinsteadofahotel.”

“Itis.”
“Ihopetoownahousesomeday,butwithoursalariesattheyouthcenter,it’llbeawhile

beforethathappens.Ourapartmentbackhomeisreallysmall.”

Ourapartment.
“Howlonghaveyoulivedtogether?”
“Justafewmonths.We’vebeentogetheralmostayear.Elecwashesitanttomovefurtheraway

fromhismother,butheeventuallygavein.Pilarwasn’twellforalongtime.Youknowthat,right?”

“Yes.Iknewshehadissues.”
“Well,thepastyearhasbeenalotbetter.Sheactuallyhasaboyfriendnow…butwhenshe

foundoutRandydied,shetookitreallyhard,sowe’reworriedshe’llhavearelapse.”

“Where’sElecnow?”
“He’sjustupstairs.”
“Howishedoing?”
“Actually…he’sactingreallystrangetonight.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
Shelookedaroundtomakesurenoonewaslisteningtoourconversation.“Okay…well,we

leftthewakealittleearlyandcamebackhere.He…”

“Hewhat?”
Sheleanedinandwhispered,“Hewantedtohavesex.”
Inearlyregurgitatedmytea.
WhyinGod’snamewasshetellingmethis?
Icoughed.“Isthatunusual?”
“No,Imean…hehasahugesexualappetite,butthiswasdifferent.”
Hugesexualappetite…
IdidmybesttoplayitcasualandpretendIwasn’tsicktomystomachoverthisconversation,

whichIwasprettysurewouldtraumatizeme.“Different?”

“Wegotbackhere,andheimmediatelydraggedmeupstairsandstartedrippingmyclothes

off.Itwaslikehewasdoingittoburyhisfeelings,toforgetabouttonight.AndIunderstoodthat.But
then,oncewestarted,hecouldn’tfinish.Thelookinhiseyes…itwaslikehismindwassomewhere
else.Then,hejustrantothebathroom,slammedthedoor,andIheardtheshowerrunning.”

“Didhesayanythingafter?”
“No.Nothing.”
“Itmusthavehadsomethingtodowitheverythingthathappenedtonight,”Isaid.
Andbythat,Idon’tmeanhimwrappinghishandaroundmyneck,Chelsea.
“Ican’tleavehimlikethis,”shesaid.
“Whatdoyoumeanleavehim?”
“Hedidn’ttellyou?Ican’tstayforthefuneral.”
“Why?”
“Myflightleavesatnineinthemorning.Mysisterisgettingmarriedtomorrownight.I

know…aFridaynightwedding,right?Iguesshavingitonaweeknightcutthecostofthevenuein
half.Butitstillsucksfortherestofuswhohavetoworkorhavelives.I’mhermaidofhonor.The
timingcouldn’tbeworse.”

Shewasleaving.
“WhenisElecgoingback?”
“HisflightisSaturdaynight.”
“Oh.”
Shecrossedherlegsandtookabiteofthescone.“Washealwaysthiscomplex?Imean,when

hewasyounger?”

“FromthebrieftimeIknewhim,Iwouldsayso…yes.Hiswritingbooksisagoodexampleof

that.”

Shetiltedherhead.“Hiswriting…books?”
Shedidn’tknow?
“Oh…uh…justsomethinghetoyedaroundwith.Ishouldn’thavebroughtitup.It’sirrelevant.”
“Wow,Ineedtoaskhimaboutthat.Ican’tbelieveIdidn’tknowhelikedtowrite.Booksabout

what?”

Howcouldhenothavetoldher?
Istartedtopanic.“Justfiction.Don’tsayItoldyou.”Ishookmyhead,urginghertodropit.“I

shouldn’thavesaidanything.”

Hisvoicewascold.“No.Youshouldn’thave.”
WebothturnedatthesametimetofindElecstandinginfrontofus.
Shit.
TheicystarehegavemewasalltheindictorIneededthatI’dmadeabigmistake.Butitwas

toolate.Now,hewastheonethathadtododamagecontrol.

Chelseapattedtheseatnexttoher.“Comehere,baby.Whywouldyounottellmeyouusedto

write?That’ssocool.”

“It’snotreallyabigdeal.ItwasjustahobbyIhadwhenIwasateenager.”
Itwasn’tahobby;itwasapassion.
Whyaren’tyouwritinganymore?
“Ican’tbelieveyounevertoldme,”shesaid.
Hebrusheditoff.“Well,nowyouknow.”
IwaswaitingforhimtolookatmesothatIcouldatleastmouthasilentapology,buthenever

gavemetheopportunity.

Clarawalkedintotheroom.“Elec,canIgetyouanything?”sheasked.
“Somethingstrong.”
“Yougotit.”
Shereturnedwiththreeshotglassesfilledwithsomekindofamber-coloredliquor.Elec

downedthefirsttwoimmediately.

Chelseawhisperedtome.“See?Promiseyou’llkeepaneyeonhimforme,okay?”
Elecslammedthelastshotglassdownafterfinishingitscontents.“Shedoesn’tneedtokeepan

eyeonme,”hespewed.

“YouknowhowbadlyIfeelaboutleavingyoualone.”
“Youshouldn’t.I’llbefine.I’llbehomebeforeyouwakeuponSundaymorning.”
He’dbegoneagainbeforeIknewit.
Sheleanedherheadonhisshoulder.Elechadchangedintojeans,andhisfeetwerebare.That

triggeredaflashbacktothenightheinitiallyopeneduptomeinmybedroomwhenInoticedforthe
firsttimehowbeautifulhisfeetwerebare.IwilledthethoughtawaybecausewhenChelseahadasked
metokeepaneyeonhim,Ihardlythinkshemeantoglinghim.

Mymotherwalkedintothelivingroom.“Honey,IthinkIneedtogethomeandrestupfor

tomorrow.”

“Okay,we’llgetgoing.”Icouldn’tgetoffthatcouchfastenough.
Chelseastoodup.“Greta,Iwon’tseeyouagain.Ican’ttellyouhowgooditwastomeetyou.I

hopewe’llmeetagain.”

“Likewise.”Ilied.
AsIhuggedher,IlookedbehindhershoulderatElecandmouthed,“I’msorry,”hopinghe’d

forgivemeforlettingthecatoutofthebagabouthiswriting.Hejustlookedatmewithanunreadable
expression.WhileIcouldn’tunderstandwhyhenevermentionedittoheriftheyweresoserious,that

didn’tmatter.I’donceagainoversteppedmyboundarieswhenitcametohim.Despitewhateverthat
wasbetweenusdownstairsatthefuneralhome,Ihadnorealplaceinhislifeanymore.Imadeavow
thenandtheretokeepmydistancefromhimtomorrowunlesshesoughtmeout.

Hedoesn’tneedme.Hehasher.Thatwouldbemymantra.
Shehuggedmymother.“Sarah,pleaseacceptmysincerestcondolencesagain.I’msosorry

thatIhavetobeinCaliforniaformysister ’sweddingtomorrow.”

“Thankyou,”mymothersaid.Icouldtellshewasexhausted.
Chelseawhisperedintomyear.“Thankyouforlettingmeventaboutthatstuffearlier,too.”
“Anytime.”
Thankyoufortraumatizingme.
Inanotherlife,thisgirlcouldhavebeenmybestfriend.Icouldjusttellshewasthekindof

personyoucouldcallatanyhourofthenighttoventaboutallyourproblems.Shewasthatnice,and
IwasthatevilfortheamountofreliefI’dfeltknowingthatshe’dbeleavingonajetplanetomorrow
morning.

Now,theonlyhurdlewouldbegettingthroughthenexttwenty-fourhours.Then,Elecwould

beonaplane,tooandoutofmylifeagain.

Right?
Itdidn’tquiteturnouttobethatsimple.

CHAPTER14

Itwasabeautifuldaydespitethesombermood.Thebirdswerechirping,thesunwasshining,

andI’dactuallymanagedtosleep.Butthiswasn’tyourordinarybeautifulspringmorninginBoston.
Today,mymotherwouldhavetoburyahusbandforthesecondtimeinherlife,andElecwouldhave
toburyhisfather.

Ihadn’trealizeduntilChelseatoldmeshewasleavinglastnighthowmuchanxietyher

presencehadcaused.EventhoughI’dhavetofaceElecagain,todaydidn’tfeelhalfashorribleas
yesterday.

WhenIwalkedintomymother ’sroom,shewassittingonthebedholdingapictureofRandy

andherontheirweddingday.ShehadbeenwearingasimplewhitesuitfortheirceremonyatBoston
CityHall.Theyseemedreallyhappytogetherbackthen.

“Hehadalotofdemons,buthelovedme,”shesaid.“ThatwasprobablytheonlythingIwas

certainofwhenitcametohim.”

Iwrappedmyarmaroundherandtookthepictureframefromhergrasp.“Irememberthat

daylikeitwasyesterday.”

“Thismarriage…itwaslikeafreshstartforhim,buthewasneverabletoresolvehispastor

hisangeroverit.Heneveropeneduptomeaboutit,andIneverpushedit.”

Soundsfamiliar.
Shecontinued,“Ididn’treallywanttoknoweverything,Iguess.Afterthepainoflosingyour

father,Ijustwantedsomethingeasy.Itwasabitselfishofme.”Shestartedtocry.“I’dbeenprying
lately,anditcausedalotoftension.Ifeltashamedfornevergettinginvolvedinthesituationwith
Elec.Iwaslivinginabubble.”

“Well,neitherofthemmadeiteasytofigureouthowtohelp,”Isaid.
Shewipedhereyesandlookedatme.“I’msorryyouhadtogothroughthat.”
“Me?Gothroughwhat?”
“SeeingElecwithher…withChelsea.”
“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Iknow,Greta.”
“Whatdoyouthinkyouknow?”
“IknowwhathappenedbetweenyouandhimthenightbeforeheleftforCalifornia.”
IputthepictureI’dbeenholdingdownonthebedtopreventitfromaccidentallysmashingto

thegroundinthemidstofmyshock.“What?”

“I’dgottenupearlythatday.Elecdidn’tknowIsawhimleavingyourroomtogobacktohis.

Then,laterthatafternoon,afterIcamehomefromrunningerrands,Iwenttocheckonyou,butyou
hadgonetothestore.Ifoundacondomwrapperinyourroom,andtherewasalittlebloodonyour
sheets.Theweekafterheleft,youweresodepressed.IwantedtotellyouIknew.Iwantedtobethere
foryoubutdidn’twanttoembarrassyouorgetanyoneintroublewithRandy.Hewouldhaveblowna
gasket.Ikepttellingmyselfthatyouwereeighteen,andifyouwantedmetoknow,youwouldhave
toldme.”

“Wow.Ijustcan’tbelieveyouknewallthistime.”
“Hewasyourfirst…”
“Yes.”
Sheheldmyhand.“I’msorryIwasn’tthereforyou.”
“It’sokay.Likeyousaid,itwasbetterthatyoukeptitquiet.”

“Wasit…justsex…orwasitmore?”
“Itwasalotmoretome.Ithinkhefeltthesamewayatthetime.Butthatdoesn’tmatternow.”
“Heseemsprettysettledwiththatgirl.”
“Yeah.Theylivetogether.”
“He’snotmarried,though.”
Isquintedmyeyes.“Whatisthatsupposedtomean?”
“Justthatifthere’sanythingleftunsaidbetweenthetwoofyou,thismightbeyourlast

opportunitytogetitoutintheopen.WithRandygone,we’lllikelyneverseeElecagainaftertoday.”

EventhoughIknewthatwasthecase,itreallyhithomewhenshesaidit.
“Thanksfortheadvice,butI’mprettysurethatshiphassailed.”
Atearfelldownmycheekdespitemyattempttoseemunaffected.
“Clearly,foryouithasn’t.”

***

Icouldsmellthathewasrightbehindme.Evenbeforethat,mybodycouldfeelhimthere.The

windowsinthechurchwereopen,andabriskwindblewthescentofcologneandclovecigarettes
rightintome.Itwasstrangelycomforting.Theonlyotherscentwastheburningofcandlesthat
surroundedthealtarandtheoccasionalwhiffoftheliliesthathadbeentransportedherefromthe
funeralhome.

MymotherandIweresittinginthefrontpew.IturnedaroundtofindElecsittingnexttoGreg

andClara.Theyhadarrivedjustafewminutesafterus.Dressedinafittedblacksatinybutton-down
shirtwithnotie,hewaslookingdown.Eitherhedidn’tcatchmewatchinghimforthosefewseconds,
orhepretendednottonotice.

Thereweren’thalfasmanypeoplehereastherewereatthewake.Itwasquietexceptforthe

distantsoundsoftrafficandtheechoofshoesaspeoplewalkeddownthelongaisletotheirseats.

AnorganiststartedplayingOnEagle’sWings,andthemusicpromptedmymother ’stearsto

flowheavier.

Thepriestsaidtheeulogy,whichwasgenericandimpersonal.WhenhereferredtoRandyasa

“lovingfather,”everymuscleinmybodytightened.Technically,ifRandyandElechadanormal
relationship,hissonmighthavegottenuptospeak.Icouldn’timaginewhatElecwouldactuallysay
inrealityifhehadtheopportunity.Instead,hewasquiettheentireservice.Hewasn’tcrying.He
wasn’tlookingup.Hewasjust…there,whichIsupposewasbetterthannotshowingupatall.Ihadto
givehimcreditforthat.

Theservicewentbyquicklyandattheend,thepriestgaveouttheaddressofthecemeteryand

announcedthatthefamilywouldliketoinviteeveryoneforamealatalocalrestaurantfollowingthe
burial.

IwatchedasElec,GregandafewothermenwhowereRandy’sfriendsservedaspallbearers

andcarriedthecoffinoutofthechurch.Eleccontinuedtoshownoemotion.

Mymotheroptednottousealimo,sowedrovetogetherinmyrentalcarandfollowedthe

hearse.Greg,ClaraandElecwereinthecarbehindus.

Whenwegottothegraveyard,wegatheredaroundthemassivedirtholethathadbeendug

intothegroundrightinfrontofagraniteheadstonewithO’Rourkecarvedintothefront.Thequestion
ofwhethermymotherwouldbeburiedinthissameplotorwithmyfathercrossedmymind.

ElecemergedfromthecarandwalkedovertowhereIhadbeenstandingandlookingdown

intotheditch.HewasstaringdownintoitjustasIwas.Whenheturnedtome,thelookinhiseyeswas
oneofpanic.

It’sfunnyhowfastyoucansetasideyourpridewhenyoutrulysensethatsomeoneyoucare

aboutneedshelp.Ireachedoutforhishand.Hedidn’tresist.

“Ican’tdothis,”hesaid.
“What?”
“Whatiftheywantmetohelplowerthecasketintotheground?Ican’tdoit.”
“It’sokay,Elec.Youdon’thavetodoanythingyoudon’twantto.Idon’tthinkthat’ssomething

theyexpectyoutodoanyway.”

Hewasjustnoddingandblinkingbutnotsayinganything.Heswallowedanxiously.Then,he

letgoofmyhand,turnedaroundandweavedthroughthepeoplewhowerestartingtoarrive.Hekept
walkingdowntheroadfartherandfartherawayfromtheburialsite.

Withoutthinkingitthrough,Ijoggedinmyheelstocatchupwithhim.
“Elec…wait!”
Whenhestopped,hisbreathingwasheavierthanmineeventhoughI’dbeenrunning.IfI

thoughthewashavingabreakdownlastnightatthefuneralhome,Iwaswrong.Iwasprettysurethis
wasthemomentwherehewasactuallycomingundone.

“There’sjustsomethingaboutthispartofitallthatmakesitfinalforme.Ican’twatchthem

puttinghimintheground,letalonehavingahandinit.”

“It’sokay.Youdon’thaveto.”
“Idon’tthinkhe’devenwantmehere,Greta.Eitherway,Ican’twitnessit.”
“Elec,that’saperfectlynormalreaction.Wedon’tneedtogoback.I’llstayherewithyou.”
Hejustkeptshakinghisheadnoandstaredoutawayfromme.Hewasdeepinthought.
Ablackcrowlandednearus,andIwonderedwhatthatsymbolized.
Afterseveralsecondsofsilence,hestartedtotalk.“Itwasduringoneofourworstfights,

probablyaboutayearbeforeImetyou.Randyhadsaidhe’dratherbedeadandburiedthantohaveto
livetoseewhatafuckupI’dturnouttobe.”Helookeddownathisshoesandshookhishead
repeatedly.“Isaidsomethingbacktohimalongthelinesof,‘well,then,I’llbesmilingtheentiretime
they’reloweringyouintotheground.’”Heletoutadeepbreathasifhewereholdingittheentire
timehe’dbeenspeaking.

Iwasstartingtocry.“Elec…”
Hespokeinawhisperlookingupattheskyandsaid,“Ididn’tmeanit.”Youcouldbarelyhear

him,andIrealizedthatwasbecausehewastalkingtoRandyinthatmoment.

Helookedatmewithhishandonhischest.“Ineedtogetoutofhere.Ican’tbehere.I’m

losingit.IfeellikeIcan’tbreathe.”

Hesuddenlystartedwalkingfast,andIfollowedhim.
“Okay.Where?Wheredoyouwanttogo?Theairport?”
“No…no.Youhaveyourcar,right?”
“Yeah.”
“Justgetmethefuckoutofhere.”
Inoddedmyheadashefollowedmedownthegravelroadtotheparkingarea.Acrowdwas

stillgatheredaroundRandy’sgraveseveralfeetaway.Ifumbledwithmykeys,unlockedthecarand
Elecgotin,slammingthedoor.

Iimmediatelystartedtheengineandpulledoutofthelot,headingtowardtheexit.
“Wheredoyouwanttogo?”
“Whereverthefuckthepolaroppositeofthisnightmareis.Justdriveforawhile.”
Elecwasleaninghisheadbackontheseatrestwithhiseyesclosed.Hischestwasrisingand

fallingasheloosenedthetopthreebuttonsofhisshirt.Whenwehitaredlight,Isentatexttomy
mother.

Everythingisfine.ElechadsomethinglikeapanicattackandI’mdrivinghimaround.

MakesureGreggivesyouaridetotherestaurantandlethimknowEleciswithme.Notsureif
we’llmissthemeal.

Ididn’texpecthertorespondsincetheservicewasstillgoingonbuthopedshe’dcheckher

phoneonceshenoticedweweregone.

Hegrunted.“Fuck.”
“What?”
“MycigarettesareinGreg’scar.Ireallyneedone.”
“Wecanstopandgetsome.”
Hehelduphishand.“No.Don’tstop.Justdrive.”
So,that’swhatIdid.Fortwohoursstraight,Idroveonthehighway.Itwasthemiddleofthe

day,sotrafficwaslight.Elecwasquiettheentiretime,mostlylookingoutthewindow.

Ihadtostopatsomepoint;otherwise,we’dbeheadingoutofstate.Sureenough,fifteen

minuteslater,theWelcometoConnecticutsigngreetedme.He’dtoldmetotakehimtothepolar
oppositeofagraveyard,tomakehimforget.Isuddenlyhadabrilliantideaandknewexactlywhere
wecouldgo.

“Justaboutanothertwentyminutesthenwe’regonnastopsomewhere,okay?”
Heturnedtomeandspokeforthefirsttimeinhours.“Thankyou.”
Iwantedtoreachforhishandbutresisted.Afewminuteslater,itlookedlikehe’dfallen

asleep.IrememberedChelseasayinghehadn’tbeengettinganysleepsincefindingoutRandydied.

Myphonerang,andIpickeditup.
“Hey,Mom.”
“Greta,we’vebeenworried.Themealisover.Iseverythingokay?”
“Everythingisfine.We’restilldriving.We’regonnastopsoon.Don’tworry,okay?I’msorry

Ihadtoleaveyou.”

“I’malright.Theworstisover.I’mwithGregandClaraforthenight.JusttakecareofElec.

Heshouldn’tbealone.”

“Okay.Thanksforunderstanding,Mom.Iloveyou.”
“Iloveyou,too.”
Wewereapproachingourdestination,soInudgedElec.“Wakeup.We’rehere.”
Herubbedhiseyesandlookedoveratmeaswecontinueddownthelongdriveway.
“AreyoutakingmetovisitthemagicalWizardofOz?”
Hewasright.Theapproachtothebuildingkindofremindedmeoftheyellowbrickroadwith

themassivecastleattheend.

“No,silly.It’sacasino.”
“Weescapedfromafuneralsothatyoucouldtakemegambling?Whatthefuck?”
WhenIturnedtolookathisface,Iexpectedtoseeaconfusedexpression,butinstead,hewas

givingmethatraregenuinesmilethatI’donlyseenafewtimes—theonethattoldmehewasjust
messingwithme.Itwasthesamelookthatalwaysmademyheartflutter.

Then,hestartedlaughinghystericallyintohishands.Ithinkhewasdelirious.
“Youthinkit’sdistasteful?”
Hewipedhiseyes.“No,Ithinkit’sfuckingbrilliant!”
WhenIpulledintoaparkingspot,hewasstilllaughing.
“Well,youtoldmetotakeyoutothepolaroppositeofagraveyard,Elec.”
“Yeah,IwasthinkingmaybeaZenJapaneserestaurantorIdon’tknow…abeach?”

“Youwanttoleave?”
“Hellno.Iwouldhaveneverthoughtofitmyself,butshit,ifthere’soneplacewhereyoucan

drownyoursorrows,thiswouldbeit.”Hegazedoutthewindowthenturnedtomewithalookthat
gavemechills.“So,helpmedrownmysorrows,Greta.”

***

Theinfluxofcigarettesmokewhenweenteredthebuildinghadnearlychokedme.
Ihacked.“You’renotgonnahaveaproblemfindingyourcancersticksinthisplace.Infact,

everyonemightaswellbesmokinghere.Thesecondhandisjustasbadatthisquantity.”

“Trytohavefun,sis.”Heshookmejokingly.Mybody’sreactiontohisstronghandsonmy

shoulderswasn’tsurprising.Ifhekepttouchingmelikethat,thiswasgoingtobealongday.

“Pleasedon’tcallmethat.”
“WhatwouldyoupreferIcallyouhere?Nooneknowsus.Wecanmakeupnames.We’re

bothdressedinallblack.Welooklikemafiahighrollers.”

“Anythingbutsis,”Ishoutedthroughthedingingsoundsofthehundredsofslotmachinesas

weenteredoneofthecasinos.

“Whatdoyouliketoplay?”Iasked.
“Iwanttohitoneofthetables,”hesaid.“Whataboutyou?”
“Ijustdothepennyslots.”
“Thepennyslots?You’regoingwildtoday,huh?”
“Don’tlaugh.”
“Youdon’tgotoacasinolikethistoplaytheslots,especiallythepennyones.”
“Idon’tknowhowtoplayanyofthetables.”
“Icanshowyou,butfirstweneeddrinks.”Hewinked.“Alwaysliquorbeforeyoupoker.”
Ittookmeasecond.Alwayslickherbeforeyoupokeher.
Irolledmyeyes.“God,somethingsneverchange.Atleastyou’rebacktomakingdirtyjokes.

ThatmeansIdidsomethingrighttoday.”

“Seriously,thisidea…”Helookedaround.“Cominghere…itwasperfect.”
Afterweboughtsomechips,IfollowedElectoaroomwithdimmedlightingwherepeople

wereplayingtablegames.Therewasabarinthecorner.

“Whataretheyplaying?”Iasked.
“Craps.It’sadicegame.Whatdoyouwanttodrink?”
“I’llhavearumandCoke.”
“Okay,I’llberightback.Don’tgowinninganythingwithoutme,”hesaid,walkingbackwards

withasmile.

ThegrinonhisfacemademetrulyhappyeventhoughIknewallofthiswasonlyatemporary

diversionfromthepainhewasexperiencingearlier.

AsIwaitedforElectoreturnwithourdrinks,Imademywayovertooneofthetablesand

stoodjustbehindtheplayerswhowerestanding.Ared-facedinebriatedmanwithaSouthernaccent
andacowboyhatsmiledatmebeforereturninghiseyestothegame.

Notunderstandinghowthegamewasplayed,Idaydreamedandstaredatthetableuntil

everyonestartedclapping.Whenthedrunkguyfoundouthe’dwon,heturnedaroundandgrabbedme
bythewaist.

“You,prettylady,aremygoodluckcharm.Ihaven’thadonewintonightuntilyoushowedup

outofnowhere.I’mnotlettingyououtofmysight.”

Hisbreathreekedofbeer,andsweatsoakedthroughhisshirt.

Ismiledathimbecauseitallseemedprettyinnocent.Thatis,untilhewhackedmeontheass…

reallyhard.

WhenIturnedtowalkaway,Elecwasapproachingwithtwodrinksinhishand.Hewasno

longersmiling.

“TellmeIdidnotjustseethatfuckingslobsmackyouontheass.”Hedidn’twaitformy

answer.“Holdthese,”hesaid.

Hegrabbedtheguybytheneck.“Whothefuckdoyouthinkyouareputtingyourhandsonher

likethat?”

Themanhelduphishands.“Ididn’tknowshewaswithsomeone.Shewashelpingmeout.”
“Itlookedlikeyouwerehelpingyourself.”Elecdraggedhimbytheneckovertome.

“Apologizetoherrightnow.”

“Lookman—”
Elecsqueezedhisneckharder.“Apologize.”
“I’msorry,”themanchokedout.
Elecwasstillirateandwouldn’ttakehiseyesofftheguy.
Igesturedwiththedrinksinmyhand.“Comeon,Elec.Pleaselet’sjustgo.”
Ibreathedasighofreliefwhenhetookhisdrinkfrommeandstartedwalkingaway.
Themancalledoutfrombehindus.“You’reluckyyoucamewhenyoudid.Iwasjustaboutto

askhertoblowonmydice.”

Elecflippedbackaroundandchargedtowardtheman,butIraninfrontofhimblockinghis

aim.Intheprocess,hebumpedintome,andbothdrinksspilledallovermydress.

“Elec,no!Wecan’tgetkickedoutofhere.Please.I’mbeggingyou.”
Despitethemaniacallookinhiseyes,bysomemiracle,Elecbackeddown.Ithinkheknewif

hetookanotherstepforward,itwouldhavemeanttheendofournight.Iwasgladherealizedthatthe
guywasn’tworthit.

“Youcanthankherthatyoustillhaveaface,”Elecsaidbeforefollowingmeoutoftheroom.
Wewalkedinsilencetowardtheexituntilhetookonelookatmydresswhenwereenteredthe

brightlighting.

“Shit,Greta.You’reamess.”
“Ahotmess.”Ilaughed.
“Let’sgo.I’mbuyingyouanewoutfit.”
“It’sfine.I’mjustalittlewet.”
GoodGod,Greta.Choosewordswisely.
“No,it’snotfine.Thatwasmyfault.”
“It’lldry.Tellyouwhat,ifyouwinsomethingtonight,youcanspenditallonanewoutfitfor

meatoneoftheseexpensiveshops.That’stheonlywayI’mlettingyouspendanymoneyonme.”

“Ibettergettoworkthen,becauseyousmelllikeabardumpster.”
“Why,thankyou.”
“First,let’sgetyouanotheradultbeverage.Comeon.”
IstuckwithElecwhileheorderedourdrinksatadifferentbar.“Youwanttocomewatchme

playpoker,ordoyoupreferplayingyouroldladyslots?”

“I’dlovetowatchyouplay.”
Helookedoveratthepokertablestosurveythescene.“Onsecondthought,Iwon’tbeableto

concentrate.It’sallmenoverthererightnow.Thoseguysaregonnabealloveryou,andIreally
don’tfeellikegettingintoanotherfighttonight.Whydon’twesplitupforalittlebit.Yougoplay
yourpennies,andI’llcomefindyouonceI’veplayedacoupleofrounds.”

Ipointedtotheslotsdiagonallyacrosstheroom.“I’llbeoverthere,then.”

AsIwalkedaway,IthoughtabouthowIshouldhaveaskedhimwhyitbotheredhimsomuch

ifguyshitonme.Iwasthesingleoneafterall.Didn’thesayitwasn’tmyplacetocareabouthim?
So,whydidhecareaboutthatifhe’swithChelsea?Ihadtoendurewatchinghisgirlfriendallover
himrightinfrontofme,sowhyshouldn’thehavetoenduresomeguyflirtingwithme?

Iwantedtotexthimthatquestionbutwasn’tsureifhehadthesamephonenumberfromseven

yearsago.IdecidedI’dtexttheoldnumberinmyphoneanywaytogetitoffmychest,andifitwas
nolongerhisnumber,thensobeit.

Whydoesitmattertoyouanymoreifotherguyshitonme?You’renotsupposedtocare.

Afterafewminutes,therewasnoreply.Itwasn’thisnumberanymore.Well,itstillfeltgood

totypethosewordsout.

IchoseaLuckySevensmachineandsituatedmyselfnexttoanoldwomanwhosehairwas

prettymuchbluebecauseithadsomuchrinseinit.

Shesmiledoveratme.Herlipstickwasthebrightestflorescentpink,andshehadasmearofit

onherfrontteeth.

IpulledtheleverrepeatedlynotevenpayingattentiontowhetherornotIwaswinning

anything.

Hervoicestartledme.“Youlooklikeyouhavesomethingonyourmind.”
“Ido?”
“Whoishe,andwhatdidhedo?”
I’dneverseethiswomanagainaftertoday.MaybeIshouldjustletitallout.
“Youwantthelongversionortheshortversion?”
“I’mninety,andthedinnerbuffetopensinfiveminutes.Givemetheshortversion.”
“Okay.I’mherewithmystepbrother.Sevenyearsago,weslepttogetherrightbeforehe

movedaway.”

“Taboo…Ilikeit.Goon.”
Ilaughed.“Okay…well,hewasthefirstandlastguyIeverreallycaredabout.Ineverthought

I’dseehimagain.Hisfatherdiedthisweek,andhecamebackforthefuneral.Hewasn’talone.He
broughtagirlhesupposedlyloves.Iknowsheloveshim.She’sagoodperson.Shehadtogobackto
Californiaearly.Somehow,Iendedupatthiscasinowithhim.Heleavestomorrow.”

Asingleteardropfelldownmyface.
“Itlookstomelikeyoustillcareabouthim.”
“Ido.”
“Well,thenyouhavetwenty-fourhours.”
“No,Idon’tplantoscrewthingsupforhim.”
“Ishemarried?”
“No.”
“Then,youhavetwenty-fourhours.”Shelookedatherwatchandleanedonherwalkerto

standherselfup.Shegavemeherhand.“I’mEvelyn.”

“Hi,Evelyn.I’mGreta.”
“Greta…fategaveyouanopportunity.Don’tfuckitup,”shesaidbeforeshescootedawayon

thewalker.

Overthenextseveralminutes,Ikeptthinkingaboutwhatshesaidwhilemindlesslypullingthe

leveronthepennyslotmachine.EvenifElecweren’twithChelsea,thefactremainedthathenever
feltwecouldbetogetherbecauseofPilar.Ididn’tknowifthingshadchangedinthatregardnow.

Myphonebuzzed.ItwasElec.

IknowI’mnotsupposedtocare.Butwhenitcomestoyou,whatI’msupposedtobefeeling

hasneverseemedtomatter.

Inthatmoment,I’dmadeadecision.Iwasn’tgoingtobetheonetoinitiateanythingbetween

Elecandme,butIwouldkeepanopenmind.Iwouldn’truleanythingout.Iwouldhavehope.Because
beforeIknewit,I’dbe90andwaitingforthedinnerbuffet.Whenthattimecame,Ididn’twantto
haveanyregrets.

CHAPTER15

Thelightsstartedflashingonmymachine,anditwasdinginglikecrazy.Abunchofnumber

sevenswerelinedupinaniceneatrow.Thenumberofcreditsdisplayedkeptgoingandgoing.

Ilookedaroundtofindalleyesinthenearbyvicinitywereonme.
Peoplestartedclapping.
Myheartwasracing.
Holycrap.Iwon.
Iwon!
WhatdidIwin?
Istilldidn’tknow.Icouldn’tfigurethemachineout.Itgavethenumberofcreditsbutno

dollaramount.Wheneverythingfinallystopped,Iejectedmyticketandtookittothecashier ’sbooth.
“IthinkIwon,butIcouldn’tfigureouthowmuch?”

“Doyouwanttocashout?”
“Uh…yeah.”
Thepersonseemedlessthanenthusedtoassistme.
“HowmuchdidIwin?”
“One-thousand.”
“One-thousandpennies?”
“No,one-thousanddollars.”
Icoveredmymouthandspokeintomypalm.“OhmyGod!”
“Doyouwantitinfiftiesorhundreds?”
“Um…hundreds.”
Shehandedmeawadofcash,andIsmelleditbeforerunningofftofindElec.
AsImademywaythroughthebrightlightsandchaoswiththemoneyburningaholeinmy

purse,Ifinallylocatedhimatoneofthepokertables.Hewasdeepinthought,scratchinghischinand
didn’tknowIwaswatchinghim.Hisshirtwasloosenedevenfurther,andhissleeveswererolledup.
Hishairlookedlikehe’dbeenrunninghishandsthroughitinfrustration.Histongueslidbackand
forthacrossthelipringasheconcentrated.Therewassomethingsopainfullysexyaboutthecontrast
betweenhisnewbespectacledlookandthetattoosalloverhisarms.

Finally,hesmackedhiscardsdownandmouthed,“Fuck.”Hecheckedhisphoneandgotup

fromthetable.Hewalkedtowardmeandfinallynoticedmesmilingathimfromthecorner.

“Ilostmyshirt—200dollars.Iwasupforawhilethenthatlastgamefuckedmeover.Howdid

youmakeout?”

Istuckmyhandinmybagandliftedoutthecash.“Oh—youknow—thelamepennymachine.”
“Areyoukiddingme?”
“Athousanddollars!”Isaid,wavingitinhisfaceandjumpingupanddown.
“Shit,Greta!Congratulations!”
Whenhepulledmeintoaquickbutfirmhug,Iquicklyclosedmyeyesbecauseitfeltsogood

tobeinhisarmsagain.Everynerveinmybodycamealiveinthatbriefmoment.

IkepthearingEvelyn’svoiceinmyhead.
Youhavetwenty-fourhours.
Itwaslessthanthatnow.AfunnyvisualofEvelynwithaguntomyheadenteredmymind.
Iputthemoneybackinmypurse.“Let’sgoouttodinnertocelebrate.”
Aswewalkedthecorridorslookingforarestaurant,hisphonerang.Westoppedinourtracks.

“Hey,baby.”Hequicklyglancedoveratmewhenhe’dsaidit,andIinstinctivelyturnedaway.
Withmyheartinmymouth,Iwalkedafewfeetaway,stilllisteningtoeveryword.
“I’mgladyoumadeitokay.”
“Ihadalittlebitofafreakoutattheburial,actually.GretadrovemearoundforawhileuntilI

calmeddown.WeendedupatacasinoinConnecticut.That’swhereweare.”

“Iwill.”
“Metoo.”
“Havefun.TelleveryoneIsaid‘hi.’”
“Loveyou,too.”
Loveyou,too.
Well,thatwasarealitycheck.AndwhywasIupsetthathetoldherthetruthasifthistripwere

supposedtobesomesecretrendezvous?Inthatmoment,IrealizedIwasdelusional.Sure,hisfeelings
afterseeingmemayhavebeenalittleconflicted,buthelovedher,notme.Plainandsimple.Hisheart
wasinadifferentplacethanminewas,andIneededtoacceptthat.

Hewalkedovertome.“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“ThatwasChelsea.Shesayshelloandtothankyouforhelpingmeouttoday.”
Iflashedafakesmile.“Helloandyou’rewelcome.”
“Haveyoufiguredoutwhatyou’reinthemoodfor?”
Admittingthetrueanswertothatquestionwouldhaveputmebackatsquareone.
SeeingasthoughtherumandCokeI’dhadearlierhadgonerightthroughme,Isaid,“I’m

headingtothebathroom.Youdecidewhatyoufeellike.”

ItooktheopportunitytofreshenupeventhoughIstillsmelledlikethealcoholthatspilledon

mydressearlier.IguessIcouldhaveaffordedtobuymyselfanewdressnow.

WhenIemergedfromthebathroom,Elecwaslookingdownathisphone.Whenhelookedup,

hisfaceappearedpale.

“Areyoualright?”
Hishandwastrembling,andhewouldn’tanswerme.
“Elec?”
“Ijustgotthistext.It’sfromanunknownnumber.”
Hehandedmethephone.
Iwasconfused.“22?”
“Lookwhattimeitsaysthemessagecamein.”
“2:22.That’sweird,butwhydoesitbotheryou?”

“Randy’sbirthdayisFebruary22nd.”
Chillsranthroughme.“YouthinkthemessageisfromRandy?”
Hiseyesstayedfixedonthephone.“Idon’tknowwhattothink.”
“Itmightjustbeacoincidence.Whywouldhejustsendyouthenumber22?”
“Idon’tnormallybelieveinthatshit.Ihavenoidea.Itjustweirdedmeout.”
“Icanunderstandwhy.”
Elecwaspreoccupiedallthroughoutourmealatthesteakhouse.Iknewhewasobsessingover

thetext.Tobehonest,itreallyfreakedmeoutaswell.

ReenteringthebrightlightsofthecasinoafterdinnerdidnothingtolightenElec’smood.At

onepoint,I’dgonetogetusacoupleofdrinks.

WhenIreturnedtowherehewassitting,myheartfeltlikeitfelltomystomach.Hewas

wipingtearsfromhiseyes.Itshockedmetoseemyhardenedstepbrothercryingoutintheopen.

Itwasproofthatwecan’talwayschoosethemomenttherealityofalosshitsus.Sometimes,

it’spredictable,andothertimes,ithappensintheplaceyou’dleastexpect.Hehadn’tcriedatthewake
ortheburialbuthadchosenthismomenthereinthiscrowdedcasinotoletgo.

“Don’tlookatme,Greta.”
Ignoringhispleaforprivacy,Iputthedrinksdownandslidmyseatclosertohis.Ipulledhim

towardmeandheldhimintomychest.Hedidn’tresist.Themoisturefromhistearsseepedthrough
thetopofmydress.Hisfingernailsdugintomybackasifhewereholdingontomefordearlife.The
harderhecried,themoreIwantedtocomforthimandthetighterIheldontohim.

Nooneseemedtonoticeusinourcorneroftheroom,althoughitwouldn’thavematteredto

meiftheyhad.

Hisshakingseemedtocalmdown,andeventually,hewasjustbreathingontomychest.
“Ihatethis,”hesaid.“Ishouldn’tbecryingforhim.WhyamIcryingforhim?”
“Becauseyoulovedhim.”
Hisvoicewastremblingagain.“Hehatedme.”
“Hehatedwhateverhesawinyouthatremindedhimofhimself.Hedidn’thateyou.He

couldn’thave.Hejustdidn’tknowhowtobeafather.”

“There’salotIhaven’ttoldyou.Thescrewedupthingis,afteralltheshitwewentthrough,I

stillwantedtomakehimproudofmesomeday,wantedhimtoloveme.”

“Iknowyoudid.”
Hecontinuedtoleanonme.Atonepoint,helookedup,andhisgrayeyeswerelacedwithred.

“WherewouldIbetonightwithoutyou?”

“I’mgladIgottobetheonewithyoutonight.”
“I’venevercriedinfrontofanyonebefore.Notonce.”
“There’safirsttimeforeverything.”
“There’sabadjokeintheresomewhere.Youknowthat,right?”
Webothlaughed.Iimaginedhowgooditmusthavefeltforhimtolaugh.Forme,laughter

neverfeltbetterthanwhenitfollowedagoodcry.

“Youmakemefeelthings,Greta.Youalwayshave.WhenI’maroundyou,whetherit’sgood

orbad…Ifeeleverything.Sometimes,Idon’thandleittoowell,andIfightitbyactinglikean
asshole.Idon’tknowwhatitisaboutyou,butIfeellikeyouseetherealme.ThesecondIsawyou
againforthefirsttimeatGreg’swhenyouwerestandinginthatgarden…itwaslikeIcouldn’thide
behindmyselfanymore.”Herubbedmycheekwithhisthumb.“Iknowitwashardforyoutoseeme
withChelsea.Iknowyoustillcareaboutme.Icanfeelitevenwhenyou’repretendingyou’ve
stopped.”

“Thishasbeenhard,butitwasworthittobeabletoseeyouagain.”
“Idon’twanttocryanymoretonight.”
“Idon’twantyoutocryanymore,either.Butifyoufeellikeyouhaveto,don’tbeafraidto.

It’sgoodtoletitout.”

Hewasstaringatmylips.Iwasstaringathis.Thepastfewminuteshadweakenedme.Iwanted

tokisshim.IknewIcouldn’t,buttheneedwassointenseIhadtogetupfrommyseat.

IwasfeelinglikeIwasgoingtoburst—bothphysicallyandemotionally.Weweresitting

diagonallyacrossfromtheroulettewheel.Itwastheonlynon-slotgameIunderstoodhowtoplay.I
neededtotakemyimpulsivityoutonsomethingandhadanidea.

Whenyou’regamblingwithyourheart,takingachancewithmoneyseemslikenothing.I

headedfortheroulettetableandthrewabunchofbillsfrommystashdownononenumber.

“Straightup,”Isaid.
ThecasinoworkerlookedatmelikeIwascrazy.
Elechadcomeupfrombehindme.“Whatareyoudoing?”

Hehadn’tseenwhichbetwasmine.Myheartwasbeatingfasterwitheveryturnofthewheel,

andeverythingthereafterseemedtohappeninslowmotion.

Elec’shandswereonmyshouldersasoureyesstayedgluedtothewheel.
Thewheelstopped.
Theworker ’seyesbuggedoutofhishead.
Someonehandedmeadrinkthatwasn’tmine.
Morealcoholspilledonme.
Peoplewereclapping,cheering,whistling.
“22isthewinner!”
“That’sme.Iwon!”
Elecliftedmeupintotheair,spinningusbotharound.
Whenheputmedown,helookedatmeinshock.“Youbet22?Youfuckingbetitallon22!Do

youhaveanyideahowmuchmoneyyoujustwon?”

Iturnedtothemanbehindthetable.
“HowmuchdidIjustwin?”
“19-thousanddollars.”
“Holyshit,Greta.”Electookmyfaceinhishands,shookmycheeksandrepeated,“Holyshit.”

Itseemedlikehewasgoingtogivemeacelebratorykiss,buthestoppedshort.

I’djustwonacraploadofmoneybutthatdidn’tseemtomatterasmuchasgettingtosharethis

momentwithhim.Nothingbeatthefeelingofhishandscuppingmyface,ofseeinghiseyessmiling
backatmine,ofbeingabletoturnhismiserytowardthenumber22intosomethingpositive.Ifthis
moneycouldhaveboughtmoretimewithhim,Iwouldhavegiveneveryredcentofitaway.

ElecandIwalkedovertothecashier ’sboothinadaze.WhileIwenttocollectthemoney,he

stoodbackawaystalkingtoafewofthepeoplewhowereatthetablewhenIwon.

Ioptedtotakeacheckforthemajoritybutaskedforonethousandincash.They’dalsogiven

meacomplimentaryroomkeyforthecasinohotel.Thathadcaughtmeoffguard,andIwasn’tsureif
IshouldevenmentionittoElec.

BythetimeIwalkedbackovertohim,hewasstandingalonewithahugesmileonhisface.
Ihandedhimthetencrisphundred-dollarbills.“Iwantyouhavethis.”
Hissmilefaded,andhetriedtohandthecashbacktome.“I’mnottakinganymoneyfrom

you.”

“Ifitweren’tforyou,Iwouldn’thaveevenplayed22.Ichoseitforyou.”
“Noway.”Heshoveditinmyface.“Takeit.”
Iwouldn’tbudge.“That’sonlyafractionofthewinnings.Ihaveacheckforalltherest.I’m

gonnaputinthebanktohelpmyMomout.Ifyoudon’ttakethiscash,I’llbetitall.”

“Don’tdothat.There’snowayyou’dgetluckyathirdtimetonight.”
Icrossedmyarms.“I’mnottakingitback.So,eitheryoutakeit,orI’mgamblingwithit.”
Hesighed.“I’lltellyouwhat.I’lltakethemoney,butwe’respendingittogethertonight.We’ll

havethetimeofourliveswithit.”

“Okay.”Mymouthspreadintoasmile.“Icanlivewiththat.”
HeglancedatthecardIwasholding.“What’sthat?”
“Oh,uh…theyalsogavemeacomplimentaryroomkey.Iguesstheywantmetostickaround

awhileanddumpallofmywinningsbackintothecasino.I’mnotgonnauseit.We’reheadingback
toBostonlater,right?”

“Neitherofusisreallyinconditiontodrivetonight.”
“Youwanttostayovernight?Wecan’tsleepinthesameroom.”
“Iwasn’tsuggestingthat,Greta.I’llgetmyownroom.”

Ofcourse.Now,Ifeltstupidforevenassumingthatwaswhathemeant.
“Right.Okay.Ifyouthinkthat’sagoodidea,wecanstay.”
“Thetruthis,I’mnotreadyforthisnighttoend.Idon’twanttofacerealityagainuntilI

absolutelyhaveto.Myflightisn’tuntiltomorrownight.Ifweleaveinthemorning,we’llhaveplenty
oftime.”

Irubbedhisarm.“Okay.”Ifollowedhimoutofthegameroom.“Wherearewegoingfirst?”
“Tobuyyouanewoutfit.Igettopickitout.We’regoingclubbinglater.Youcan’twearthat.”
“Clubbing?”
“Yeah.Theyhaveanightclubdownstairs.”
“ShouldIbeworried?Exactlywhatdoyouconsiderclubbingattire?”
Helookedatmyoutfit.“Somethingthatdoesn’tmakeyoulooklikean85-year-oldGreek

womaninmourning.”

Istraightenedmydress.“Whatareyoutryingtosay?”
“Makethatan85-year-olddrunkGreekwomansinceyousmelllikeabucketofbooze.”
“Thankstoyou.”
“Let’sgospendsomemoney.”

CHAPTER16

“Howaboutthisone?”Iliftedacanaryyellowchiffonmini-dressofftherack.
“You’lllooklikeabanana.”
Ichoseanotherone.“This?”
Elecshookhishead.“No.”
Hepickedupaburgundysatinandsequinnumberthatdrapedoverthetattoosonhisarmashe

showedittome.“Thisishot.Thisisit.”

Atfirst,Ithoughtitwastoomuchbutagreedtotryiton.
OutofthethreedressesI’dtakenintothefittingroom,theonehepickedfitmybodythebest.

ItactuallymademelooklikeIhadboobs,andtheshortstyleaccentuatedmylegs.Ihadtogivehim
credit.Thesequinswerealittleloud,butthenagain,weweredressingfordaclub.

Thedressfitmesowell,infact,thatitdidn’twanttocomeoff.Thezipperwasstuck,andI

couldn’tpullthedressovermyhead.IwasstartingtosweatbecauseIcouldn’treachittodiagnosethe
problem.

“Youalrightinthere?”Elecasked.
“Uh…canyouseeifthere’sasalespersonthatcanhelpme?”
“What’stheproblem?”
“Ican’tgetthedressoff.”
“Well,youdidfinishoffmysteakandyoursatdinner…”
“Thezipperisstuck!”
Helaughed.“Icanhelpyou.”
“No!I’djustbemorecomfortableif—”
Thecurtainslidopensuddenly,andhesteppedinside.“Comehere.”
Thewarmthofhisbodywastangibleinthesmallconfinesofthespace.Heslidallofmyhair

tothefrontandpulledatthematerialthatwasstuck.Mybreathingquickenedwitheverysecondthat
hishandsworkedthezipperatthetopofmyback.

Theimageinmyheadofhimrippingthedressoffandwrappingmylegsaroundhimwasn’t

helping.

“Youweren’tkidding,”hesaidashefiddledwithit.”Afteraboutaminute,Iheardhimsay,

“Gotit.”

“Thankyou.”
Heslowlylowereditafewinchesthenstopped.“Allset.”Buthishandslingeredonmy

shoulders.I’dbeenlookingdown,andwhenIlookedup,hewasstaringintomyeyesfrombehindme
inthemirror.

Iturnedaroundabruptly.Ourfaceswereclose,andhiseyesdroppedtomymouthandstayed

there.Thistimehedidn’ttrytohidethefactthatheseemedmesmerizedbymylips.

Heclosedhiseyesbrieflyasiftofendofftheurgetokissme.Ittroubledmethatifhehad

tried,IknewwithoutadoubtthatIcouldn’thaveresisted.Iwouldhavekissedhimwitheverythingin
me.Thatlackofself-controlscaredme.

Itwasimpossibletoseeanythingbeyondhimatthatmoment,notChelsea,notthe

consequences.Thememoryofhismouthalloverme,ofhimdeepinsidemybodywasoverwhelming
me.

Mymindcouldbetalkeddown,butmybodyknewbetter.Itknewthatithadwithinitsgrasp,

theonethingitcravedeverydayforthepastsevenyears.

Noonehadeverbeenabletomeasureuporreplacehim.
Elechadwreckedme.
HemayhavebeenChelsea’snow,butmybodystillbelievedthatitbelongedtohimwhetherhe

knewitornot,whetherthatwasrightorwrong.

Hewashers.
Iwashis.
It.Was.Fucked.Up.
Thestoreattendantcameby.“Iseverythingokayinthere?”
“Yes!”Ishouted.
No.No,it’snot.

***

Nothinghadhappened.
Elecexitedthedressingroomassoonastheattendantinterruptedourmoment.
Weendeduppickingoutsomeclothesinthemen’ssectionforhimtowearthatnight.
Wethenwenttothehotellobbytobookhisroom.Heinsistedonpayingforthatwithhiscredit

cardandnotthestashofmoney.

Weeachretreatedtoourseparateroomstoshowerandhadplannedtomeetinahalf-hourto

headtoRoxy’snightclub.

Asthewaterpoureddownonme,itfeltgoodtowashthealcoholandperspirationoffmy

body.Eventhoughthisseemedlikethelongestdayofmylife,thethoughtofitcomingtoanend
terrifiedme.

Needlesstosay,myshowerwasofthecoldestvariety.Despitethetemperature,theneedto

relievethetensionthathadbeenbuildingbetweenmylegsalldaywasoverwhelming.Islidmyself
downtothegroundofthebathtubatonepoint,lettingthewaterpummelmewhileImassagedmyclit
tothoughtsofhim.

Elec’sfacebetweenmylegs,hislipringscrapingmyclitwhilehelickedmeravenously…
Hispiercedcockdownmythroat...
Thefeelofhimdeepinsideofme…
Hiseyesgluedtominewhilehecame…
Iclimaxedalmostviolently.
MybackwasstillpressedtothecoldceramicfloorofthetubwhenIheardtheknock.
Shit!EitherI’dlosttrackoftime,orhewasearly.
“Justaminute!”
IwipeddownasfastasIcould.Islippedtheburgundydresson,quicklyranabrushthrough

mywethairandopenedthedoor.

“Wow.”Afteralongpause,headded,“Youdefinitelycan’tpassforanoldladyinmourning

anymore.”

“WhatdoIlooklikenow?”
“Youlookflushed,actually.Areyoufeelingalright?”
Havingtofacethepersonyou’dbeenmasturbatingtoinyourheadjustsecondsearlierwas

notsomethingIcouldsayhadeverhappenedtomebefore.

“I’mfine.”
“Yousure?”
Ipursedmylipstryingnottolookguilty.“Yep.”
Hewasdressedtokillinthedarkjeansandafittednavyshirtheboughtdownstairsinthe

men’ssection.ThemorecasuallookhadtransformedhimbackintotheElecIremembered.Hishair
wasstillwet,andthewayitwaspartedaccentuatedhiseyes.

Thosefuckingglasses.
“Itfeltsogoodtotakeashower,”hesaid.
“Iknowwhatyoumean.”
Minefeltparticularlygood.
“Doyouneedtodryyourhair?”
“Yeah.Justgivemeaminute.”
IwenttothebathroomandrantheblowdryerthroughitasswiftlyasIcouldandthenputit

intoaquickupdo.

WhenIreenteredtheroom,ElechadturnedonESPNandwaslyingflatonthebedwithhis

handsrestingbehindhishead.Hisshirthadriddenup,teasingmewithaglimpseofoneofthe
shamrocktattoosonhisabs.Itbecamecleartomethatpleasuringmyselfintheshowerhaddone
nothingtoresolvemy“issues.”Thesoonerwecouldgetoutofthisroom,thebetter.

“I’mready.”
Hehoppedupandturnedthetelevisionoff.Ifollowedhimoutasthedoorclickedbehindus.
“Youcleanupnice,”hesaidasweenteredtheelevator.“Ilikeyourhairuplikethat.”
“Youdo?”
“Yeah.It’showyouwerewearingitthenightwhenIfirstmetyou.”
“I’msurprisedyourememberedthat.”
AfeelingofnostalgiacameovermewhenIthoughtaboutwaitingforhimatthewindowthat

firstnight.IhadnoideawhatkindofadventureIwasinforwithElec.

“Youweresoinnocentatfirst.Youwerejusttryingtobesweettome,andIwassuchaprick.”
“Youwere.ButIgrewtolikethataboutyou.”
“WhenIwasn’tmakingyoucry?”
“Ihadmymomentsoftakingyoutooseriously,butoverall,yourjabswerefun.Idon’tlook

backonanyofitnegatively.”

“Youwerealittlebitofamasochist.Thatsortofscrewedupmyevilplanprettyearlyon.”
“Well,youweren’texactlyasmeanasyouwantedmetobelieveyouwere.”
“Anditturnedoutyouweren’tthatinnocent.”
Oursexualtension-filledtripdownmemorylanecametoanendassoonaswearrivedatthe

lineintoRoxy’s.Weenteredtheconfinesofthedarknightclub,andElecdisappearedintotheflashing
strobelightstofetchussomedrinks.

ThebassofthemusicvibratedthroughmeasIrockedbackandforthtryingtogetintothe

moodwhileIwaited.

Whenhereturnedwithhisbeerandmydrink,Icouldn’ttakethefirstsipfastenough.My

throatfeltfrozenfromthecrushediceofthedaiquiri.Westoodonthesecondlevel,lookingdownat
theswarmsofpeopleonthedanceflooraswesippedourdrinks.Alcoholwasgoingtobemybest
friendtonight.Ididn’twanttogettotallysloshedbuthopedthatitwouldhelpmeforgetabout
tomorrow.

AgoodbuzzwasstartingtodevelopjustasIfeltElec’sfirmgriponmywrist.
“Comeon.”Hisfingertipsgrazedthesmallofmybackasheledmedownthestairs.
Ishouldhaveexpectedthathemightdragmeontothedancefloor.WhatIabsolutelycouldn’t

havepredictedwashowphenomenalofadancerhewas.

TheeyesofseveralofthewomenintheclubfollowedhiseverymoveasIdiscoveredforthe

firsttimethatmystepbrothercoulddancehisassoff.

Whoknew?

Although,shoulditreallyhavesurprisedmethatsomeonewhocouldfucklikeEleccould

alsomovehisbodyjustaswellinotherways?

Ifeltforthosewomen.Weallhadonethingincommon.Weallwantedapieceofhim,and

noneofuswouldbegettingany.

Seriously.Hismovementswerelikethoseofastripper,butthiswasevenmoreofatease

becauseyouknewhewouldn’tbetakinghisclothesoff.

Itwastrulylikeaneroticshow:thewayhemovedhiships,thewayhisassswayedtothe

music,thewayhistongueglidedslowlyalonghislipringashegotlostintherhythm.

Imagineyou’rewatchingMagicMike,andtheDVDgetsstuckonrepeatrightbeforethefirst

stripscenestarts.ThatwaswatchingElecdance.

Imovedmybodytothemusicalongsidehim,butheneverputhishandsonmewhilewewere

dancingtogether.

Atonepoint,hishotbreathtickledmyearasheleanedintome.“I’mgonnafindabathroom.

StayherewhereIcanlocateyou.”

AfterElecleftmealone,amanwearingapinkcollaredshirtstartedtodancewithme.He

begantospeakloudlythroughthemusicasheaskedmequestionstowhichIgavehimone-word
answers.

Afewminuteslater,Ifeltanarmwraparoundmywaistfrombehind.Theaddictingsmellof

Elec’sskinidentifiedhimrightaway,soIdidn’tresistwhenhepulledmeback.AfterIturnedaround
tofacehim,hiseyespeeredintominewithawarninglook.Hecouldn’tsayanythingaboutmy
dancingwiththemanbecausethatwouldhavebeeninappropriategivenhisownsituation.Hehadno
righttostopmefromdancingwithsomeone.Yet,heknewhecouldgetawaywithitbecauseofthe
tunnelvisioneffecthehadonme.

AflashbackofElec’stextstomethenightofmydatewithCoreyallthoseyearsagocameto

mind.

“Youdon’tevenlikehim.”
“Howwouldyouknowthat?”
“Becauseyoulikeme.”
OnceElecgotmefarenoughawayfromtheguy,heletgoofme.Wewerebacktodancingto

thefast-pacedmusicandafteranotherroundofdrinks,itbecameeveneasiertogetlostinthemood.
Inthespanofanhour,weneverstoppeddancing.Eventhoughweweren’ttouching,Elec’seyeswere
fixedonminealot.Theroomwasstartingtoswayalittle,andthatwasanindicatorthatperhapsit
wastimetostopimbibing.

Suddenly,themusicchangedtothefirstslowsongofthenight.Analarmwentoffinmymind.

Thiscouldn’thappen.Inudgedmyheadforhimtofollowmeoffthedancefloor.Istartedtowalkoff
andfelthishandonmine.Istoppedandturnedtohim.

Stillholdingmyhand,hemouthed,“Dancewithme.”
EventhoughIknewthiswasgoingtobethemomentthatcompletelyundidme,Inoddedmy

headandreluctantlylethimpullmeintohim.HeletoutadeepbreaththemomentIlandedinthe
warmthofhisarms.

Closingmyeyes,Irestedmyheadonhischestandconcededtothepainthathadbeenbuilding

insidemesincethemomentIfirstsawhimwithChelsea.Witheachpoundingbeatofhisheart,
anotherofmyoldwoundswouldburstopen,destroyingalloftheself-protectivemechanismsI’d
triedtoimplementoverthesepastcoupleofdays.

IfIhadn’tmovedfrommyposition,Imighthavebeenabletogetthroughthesong.ButIwas

agluttonforpunishmentandneededtoknowifthelookonhisfacematchedtheintensityofhis
heartbeat.

Mycheekslowlyslidawayfromhischest.AsIliftedmyheadupwardstolookathim,he

loweredhisheadslowlyatalmostexactlythesametimeasifhe’dbeenwaitingformetolookathim.

Thedesireineyeswasblatant.Ibreathedintocatcheachheavybreaththatescapedhislips.IfI

couldn’tkisshim,Iwantedtoatleasttasteeverybreath.

Then,hetouchedhisforeheadtomine.
Itwasasimpleandseeminglyinnocentgesture,butcouplethatmomentwiththeclimacticpart

ofthesong,andthatwasitforme.

Tosavemyselffromfallingfurtherintothis,IintentionallyreplayedhiswordstoChelseain

myhead.“Iloveyou,too.”

This.Was.My.Breaking.Point.
Irippedmyselfawayfromhimandranoffofthedancefloor.
Icouldhearhimcallingafterme.“Greta,wait!”
TearswerepouringdownmyfaceasIweavedthroughtheheatoftheclub,bumpinginto

sweatydrunkpeopleasItriedtofindtheexit.Someone’sdrinkspilledonmeintheprocess.Ididn’t
care.Ijustneededtogetoutofthere.

He’dlostmethroughthecrowd.
Havingescapedthedarknessoftheclub,thelightsofthecasinolobbywereawelcome

contrast.

Irantotheelevatorsandpressedtheupbutton,hopingtogettomyroomasfastaspossible.

ThedoorsstartedtocloserightbeforeIsawatattooedarmslideinside,promptingthemtoopen.

Hisbreathingwaserratic.Thedoorsclosed.
“Whatthefuck,Greta?Whydidyourunfrommelikethat?”
“Ijustneedtogobacktomyroom.”
“Notlikethis.”
Hepressedthestopbutton,causingtheelevatortocometoajoltinghalt.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Thisisn’thowIwantedournighttoend.Icrossedaline.Iknowthat.Igotlostinthemoment

withyou,andI’msofuckingsorry.Butitwasn’tgoingtogoanyfurtherbecauseIwon’tcheaton
Chelsea.Icouldn’tdothattoher.”

“I’mnotasstrongasyouare,then.Youcan’tdancewithmelikethat,lookatmelikethat,

touchmelikethatifwecan’tdoanythingaboutit.Andfortherecord,Iwouldn’twantyoutocheaton
her!”

“Whatdoyouwant?”
“Idon’twantyoutosayonethingandactinawaythatcontradictsit.Wedon’thavemuchtime

lefttogether.Iwantyoutotalktome.Thatnightatthewake…youwrappedyourhandaroundmy
neck.Itfeltlikeforamomentyouwerebackinthatplacewhereweleftoff.That’ssortofhowIfeel
aroundyouallofthetime.Then,laterthatnight,Chelseatoldmewhathappenedafteryougothome.”

Hesquinted.“Exactlywhatdidshetellyou?”
“Wereyouthinkingaboutme?Isthatwhyyoucouldn’tperformthatnight?”
Understandably,helookedshockedthatIknew.Istilldidn’tunderstandwhyChelseashared

thatwithme.

Becauseshetrustedme,andsheshouldn’thave.
Iregrettedsayinganything,butitwastoolate.
Hestayedsilent,glaringatme,buthelookedlikehewantedtosaysomething.
“Iwantyoutotellmethetruth,”Isaid.
Thelookonhisfaceturnedangry,likehe’dlostsomebattleofself-controlwithinhimself.

“Youwantthetruth?Iwasfuckingmygirlfriendandcouldseenothingbutyou.That’sthetruth.”He

tookafewstepstowardme,andIsteppedbackwardsashecontinued,“Igotintotheshowerthatnight,
andtheonlywayIcouldfinishthejobwastoimaginecomingalloveryourbeautifulneck.That’sthe
truth.”

Ileanedagainsttheelevatorwallashelockedhisarmsoneachsideofmeandcontinued,

“Youwantmore?Iwasgoingtoaskhertomarrymetonightathersister ’swedding.Iwassupposed
tobeengagedrightatthisverymoment,butinstead,I’minanelevatorfightingtheurgetobackyou
upagainstthiswallandfuckyousohardthatI’llhavetocarryyoubacktoyourroom.”

Myheartwasbeatingoutofcontrol,anditwasunclearwhichpartofwhathe’djustsaid

shockedmemore.

Hedroppedhisarmsandloweredhisvoice.“EverythingIthoughtIknewhasbeenturned

upsidedowninthepastforty-eighthours.I’mquestioningeverything,andIdon’tfuckingknowwhat
todo.That’s.The.Truth.”

Hereleasedthestopbutton,andtheelevatorcontinuedrisinguptoourfloor—the22ndfloor.
Hewasgoingtoaskhertomarryhim.
Itwasstillsinkingin.WhatarudeawakeningastoexactlyhowfaroutofmyleagueI’dbeen

allofthistime.

Theelevatordoorsslidopen,andaswewalkeddownthehall,Isimplysaid,“Idon’twantto

talkanymore.Ineedtobealone.”

Hedidn’tprotestasIretreatedtomyroomwithoutsayinganythingfurther.Itsaddenedmethat

ournighthadbeencutshort,butitfinallybecamecrystalclearthatanymoretimespentwithhim
wouldbedangerous.Hewasleavingonaplanetomorrow,andtheresimplywasn’tenoughtimeto
resolveallofthesefeelings.

SinceIhadn’tboughtanypajamas,Iwrappedmyselfinasheetandlaydown.Devastatedfrom

theproposalbombshellhe’ddroppedandstillpainfullyarousedbywhathe’dsaidtomeafter,Iknew
thatsleepwasnotinmyfuturetonight.

Ahalf-hourpassed.Itfeltlikedéjàvuasthereddigitalnumbersofthealarmclocktauntedme.
Mytextalertsoundedat2A.M.

IfIknockonyourdoortonight,don’tletmein.

CHAPTER17

Hewastryingtodotherightthing,andIrespectedthehelloutofhimforit.Aspowerfulas

temptationcouldbe,ImeantitwhenItoldhimIwouldneverwanthimtocheatonher.Atthesame
time,ifIhadn’tgonetomyroom,I’mnotsurethatwecouldhaveavoidedsomethinghappening.
Tonightprovedthatwhateverconnectionexistedinthepastbetweenuswasverymuchstillaliveand
powerful.Thatwaswhyitwasbestthatwespenttherestofthenightapart.

Iwastossingandturning,stillconflictedaboutleavinghimalone.Eventhoughwhathappened

intheelevatorhadtaintedtherestofthenight,Ineededtoremindmyselfhowthisdaystarted;hewas
stillmourninghisfather.Hereallyshouldn’thavebeenbyhimselftonight.Nottomention,wewere
wastingprecioustimebecauseoncehereturnedtoCalifornia,I’dprobablyneverseeorhearfrom
himagain.

Hewasgoingtomarryher.
Rustlinginmysheets,Icouldn’ttaketheinsomniaanymore.Thefactthattheroomwas

freezingdidn’thelp.Igotuptoshutofftheairconditionerandgrabbedmyphonebeforereturningto
thebed.

Areyouawake?

Elec:Iwasjustabouttoorderthisamazingjuicer.IfIorderrightnow,they’lleventhrowin

abonusminichopperallforjust19.99.

Greta:Canwetalk?Onthephone?

Noteventhreesecondswentbybeforemyphonerang.

“Hi.”
Hewhispered,“Hi.”
“I’msorry,”webothsaidinunison.
“Jinx,”hesaid.
“Yougofirst,”Isaid.
“I’msorryforwhatIsaidtoyouintheelevator.Ilostcontrol.”
“Youwerebeinghonest.”
“Thatdoesn’tmakeitright.I’msorryforthewayitcameout.Youbringouttheworstinme.”
“I’mtouched.”
“Fuck.Thatcameoutwrong.”
Ilaughed.“IthinkIknowwhatyou’retryingtosay.”
“ThankGodyoucouldalwaysreadbetweenthelineswithme.”
“Howaboutwenotrehashanythingthatwassaidinthatelevator.Ijustwanttotalk.”
Icouldhearhimmovingaroundinthebed.Hewasprobablygearingupforwhatever

conversationwewereabouttohave.

Heletoutadeepbreathintothephone.“Okay.Whatdoyouwanttotalkabout?”
“Ihavesomequestions.Idon’tknowifthisismylastopportunitytoaskthem.”
“Alright.”
“Didyoustopwriting?”

“No.Ididn’t.”
“Howcomeyoudidn’ttellChelseathatyouwrite?”
“BecausefromthetimethatImether,I’veonlybeenworkingononeproject,andit’snot

somethingIreallyfeellikeIcansharewithher.”

“Whatisit?”
“It’sautobiographical.”
“You’vebeenwritingyourlifestory?”
“Yeah.”Hesighed.“Yeah,Ihave.”
“Doesanyoneknow?”
“No.Justyou.”
“Isittherapeutic?”
“Sometimes.Othertimes,it’shardtorelivecertainthingsthathappened,butitjustfeltlikeI

neededtodoit.”

“Ifshedoesn’tknowaboutit,whendoyouwrite?”
“Lateatnightwhenshe’sasleep.”
“Areyougonnatellher?”
“Idon’tknow.Therearethingsintherethatwouldupsether.”
“Likewhatdoyou—”
“Myturntoaskaquestion,”heinterrupted.
“Okay.”
“Whathappenedwiththeguyyouwereengagedto?”
“HowdidyouknowIwasengagedanyway?”
“Answermefirst.”
“HisnamewasTim.WelivedtogetherforalittlewhileinNewYork.Hewasagoodperson,

andIwantedtolovehim,butIdidn’t.ThefactthatIwouldn’tconsidermovingtoEuropeforhim
whenhisjobtransferredhimthereprovedthat.Really,there’snotmuchmoretoitthanthat.Now,will
youtellmehowyouknew?”

“Randytoldme.”
“Ithoughtyouwereestranged.”
“Westillspokefromtimetotime.Iaskedhimaboutyouonce,andhegavemethenews.I

assumedthatmeantyouwerehappy.”

“Iwasn’t.”
“I’msorrytohearthat.”
“DidyouhaveanyothergirlfriendsbesidesChelsea?”
“Chelsea’smyfirstseriousrelationship.Iscrewedaroundalotbeforethat.”
“Isee.”
“Ididn’tmean…you.Youweren’tpartofthescrewingaround.Whathappenedwithuswas

different.”

“Iknowwhatyoumeant.”Afterablockofsilence,Isaid,“Iwantyoutobehappy,Elec.Ifshe

makesyouhappy,I’mhappyforyou.Youtoldmeshewasthebestthingthateverhappenedtoyou.
That’sgreat.”

“Ididn’tsaythat,”hesaidcurtly.
“Yes,youdid.”
“Isaidshewasoneofthebestthings.Sowereyou.Justinanothertime.”
Anothertime—atimethat’spassed.
Yougetthepicturenow,Greta?
“Thankyou,”Isaid.

“Don’tthankme.Itookyourfuckingvirginityandleft.Idon’tdeserveyourthanks.”
“Youdidwhatyoufeltyouhadtodo.”
“Itwasstillwrong.Itwasselfish.”
“Istillwouldn’tchangeanythingaboutthatnightifthatmakesyoufeelbetter.”
Heletoutadeepsigh.“Youseriouslymeanthat?”
“Yes.”
“Idon’tregretonethingthathappenedthatnighteither,onlywhathappenedafter.”
Iclosedmyeyes.Wewerebothsilentforalongtime.Ithinkthedayhadfinallycaughtupwith

bothofusphysically.

“Youstillthere?”Iasked.
“I’mstillhere.”
Iletthosewordssinkin,knowingthattomorrowhewouldn’tbe.Ineededtogetatleasta

couplehoursofsleepbeforethetwo-hourdrivebacktoBostoninthemorning.

Ineededtolethimgo.
Lethimgo.
“I’mgoingtotrytogetsomesleep,”Isaid.
“Stayonthephonewithme,Greta.Closeyoureyes.Trytosleep.Juststayonthephone.”
Ipulledthecomforterovermyself.
“Elec?”
“Yeah…”
“Youwerethebestthingthateverhappenedtome.IhopesomedayIcansayyouwereoneof

thebest,butfornow,it’sonlyyou.”

Iclosedmyeyes.

***

Elecmetmeatthehotelregistrationdeskwherewebothcheckedout.
Wehadeachshoweredbutwerewearingthesameclotheswe’dworntotheclubthenight

before.Thescruffonhischinappearedtohavegrownoutovernightandeventhoughhiseyeswere
weary,hestilllookedpainfullyhotinhisclubattireat10inthemorning.

Hiswordsfromlastnightrangoutinmyhead.“I’mfightingtheurgetobackyouupagainst

thiswallandfuckyousohardthatI’llhavetocarryyoubacktoyourroom.”

WestoppedatthecasinoStarbucks,andaswewerewaitingforourcoffees,Icouldfeelhim

staringatme.I’dbeenintentionallytryingnottolookathimbecauseIwassurehe’dbeabletoseethe
sadnessinmyeyes.

Weendeduptakingourbreakfastontheroad.Theridehomewaseerilyquiet.Itwaslikethe

calmafterthestorm.Thewhirlwindofthepreviousdayhadgivenwaytoanumbandhelplessfeeling
thismorning.

LightrockplayedontheradiostationasIkeptmyeyesontheroad.Whatfeltliketheweight

ofamillionunsaidwordsloomedoverusasweremainedsilent.

Hesaidonethingtheentireride.“Willyoudrivemetotheairport?”
“Sure,”Isaidwithoutlookingathim.
Clarawasoriginallygoingtodrivehim,andIwasn’tsurehowIfeltaboutthechangeof

plans,whichwouldprolongtheagony.

WepulledintoGregandClara’s.ElecranintogatherhisbelongingswhileIwaitedinthecar.

Sincewehadalittleextratime,theplanwastogotomymother ’shouseandcheckonherbeforewe
headedtotheairport.

He’dlefthisphoneontheseatandatextcamethrough.Thescreenwaslit,andIcouldn’thelp

peekingdownatit.ItwasfromChelsea.

I’mgoingtowaitup.Ican’twaituntilyou’rehome.Haveasafeflight.Loveyou.

Iregrettedlookingatitbecauseitsolidifiedthatthiswasreallytheend.
BeforeIcouldwallowinself-pity,Elecapproachedcarryingalargeblacktravelbag.Hegot

in,lookeddownathisphoneandsentaquicktextasIputthecarinreverseandbackedoutofthe
driveway.

Momwasn’thomewhenwegottothehouse.WhenItextedher,shesaidshe’dgonefora

walk.

Itcertainlywasn’tmyintentiontofindmyselfalonewithElecinthehousethatheldallofour

memoriestogether.

Heleanedagainstthecounter.“Hey,yougotanyofyouricecreamlyingaround?I’vebeen

jonesingitforsevenyears.”

I’vebeenjonesingyouforsevenyears.
“Youmightjustbeinluck,”Isaid,openingthefreezer.
Ironically,thinkingIwasgoingtoneedit,I’dmadeabatchwithmyoldicecreammakerthe

nightbeforethefuneralandputitinthefreezer.Ofcourse,Inevercamehometohaveit.

Iscoopeditoutintoonebowlandtooktwospoonsoutofthedrawer.Wealwayssharedthe

bowlandforoldtimes’sake,Ikepttothattradition.

“Youputextrasnickersinit.”
Ismiled.“Idid.”
Heclosedhiseyesandmoanedupontakingthefirstbite.“Thereisnothingbetterthanyour

fuckingasscream.I’vemissedit.”

I’vemissedthis.
Beinginthiskitchenandsharingtheicecreamwithhimmadeitreallyfeellikeyesterday

morethananyothermomentupuntilnow.Iwishedwecouldgobacktothattimeforjustonemore
day.He’dberightupstairsandnotheadinghometoher.We’dplayourvideogame.Itwassosimple
then.

Then,memoriesofthenighthemadelovetomestartedtoflashthroughmymindata

tremendouspace.Notsosimple.Hisleavingwasstartingtoreallyhitmeallofasudden.Thesilence
wasn’tworkingformeanymore,andItriedtomakelightconversationtomaskmymelancholy.

“WhatdidGregandClarahavetosay?”
“Theywereaskingwherewewent.Itoldthem.”
“Didtheythinkitwasbizarre?”
“IcouldtellGregwasalittleconcerned.”
“Whywouldhebeconcerned?”
Hepulledthespoonslowlyfromhismouthandlookeddowninhesitation.“Heknows.”
“Knowswhat?”
“Aboutus.”
Iputmyspoondownandwipedthecornersofmymouth.“How?”
“Iconfidedinhimafewyearsback.Iknewhewouldn’ttellRandy.”
“Whywouldyoutellhim?”
“BecauseIfeltlikeIneededtotalkaboutit.Ididn’thaveanyoneelseIcouldtrust.”
“It’sjust…youtoldmenottotellanyone,andIdidn’tforalongtimeuntilIfinallytold

Victoriayearslater.”

“GregistheonlypersonItold.”
“Ijustdidn’tthink—”
Heraisedthetoneofhisvoice.“Youdidn’tthinkwhathappenedbetweenusaffectedmeinthe

samewayitaffectedyou.Iknow.BecauseIledyoutobelievethat.”

“Iguessitdoesn’tmatteranymore,”IsaidundermybreathsolowthatIdidn’tthinkheheard

me.

Elecscowledashetooktheemptybowltothesink,washeditandputitinthestrainer.
Helookedbackatme.“You’llalwaysmattertome,Greta.Always.”
Ijustnodded,refusingtoshedatearbutfeelingcompletelybrokeninside.Thiswasdifferent

fromthelasttimewesaidgoodbye.Backthen,eventhoughIwasanemotionalwreck,Iwasyoung
andsuspectedthatmyfeelingsmighthavebeeninfatuationandthatIwouldgrowoutofit.

Unfortunately,thistimewiththeadvantageofexperienceandhindsight,Iknewwithouta

shadowofadoubtthatIwashopelesslyinlovewithhim.

***

ThedrivetoLoganAirportseemedlikeitonlytookafewminutes.Apinkhuelitupthesky,

appropriatesymbolismforsendingElecoffintothesunset.Unpreparedforhowtosaygoodbye,I
optednottosayanythingatallduringtheride,andneitherdidhe.

Asweexitedthecaratthecurbjustoutsidetheentrancetohisterminal,thewindwaspowerful

amidstthedeafeningsoundofjetstakingoff.

Clutchingmyownarmsprotectively,Istoodacrossfromhim.Ididn’tknowwhattosayordo

andcouldn’tevenlookhimintheeye.Nowwasnotthetimetocompletelyfreezeup,butthatwas
exactlywhatwashappeningtome.

Ilookedupatthesky,downattheground,overattheluggagehandlers…anywherebutat

Elec.IknewassoonasIlookedintohiseyes,Iwouldloseit.

Histonewasgruff.“Lookatme.”
Ishookmyheadandrefusedasthefirstteardropfell.Iwipedmyeyeandcontinuedtolook

awayfromhim.Icouldn’tbelievethiswashappeningtomerightnow.

WhenIfinallylookedintohiseyes,Iwasshockedtoseethemwatering,too.
“It’sokay,”Isaid.“Go.Please.Textmeifyouwant.It’sjust…Ican’tdoalonggoodbye…not

withyou.”

“Okay,”hesimplysaid.
Ileanedinandgavehimaquickkissonthecheekbeforerushingbacktothecarand

slammingthedoor.

Hereluctantlypickeduphisbagandwalkedawaytowardtheentrance.
WhenIsawtheautomaticdoorsfinallyclosebehindhim,Ileanedmyheadagainstthe

steeringwheel.MyshouldersshookasIletthetearsI’dbeenstrugglingtohidefallfreely.Itwasonly
amatteroftimebeforesomeonetoldmetoleavesincethiswasonlyatemporarydropoffarea.Ijust
couldn’tseemtomove.

Sureenough,someoneknockedonmywindow.
“I’mgoing.I’mgoing,”Isaidwithoutevenlookingup.AsIwasabouttostartmycar,the

personknockedagain.

IlookedtomyrighttofindElecstandingthere.
Ifranticallywipedmytearsandgotoutofthecar,walkingaroundtohim.“Didyouforget

something?”

Hedroppedhisbagandnoddedyes.Hestartledmewhenhesuddenlytookmyfaceinhis

handsandkissedmylipstenderly.ItfeltlikeIwasmeltinginhisarms.Mytongueinstinctivelytried
toenterhismouth,buthedidn’topenforme.Hejustkepthislipspressedhardagainstmineashe
breathederratically.Thiswasadifferentkindofakiss,notonethatleadstosomething,butahard,
painfulone.

Itwasagoodbyekiss.
Ipulledback.“Getoutofhere.You’regonnamissyourflight.”
Hewouldn’ttakehishandsoffofmyface.“Inevergotoverhurtingyouthefirsttime,but

hurtingyoutwice…believemewhenIsaythiswasthelastthingIeverwantedtoseehappeninmy
lifetime.”

“Whydidyoucomebackjustnow?”
“Iturnedaroundandsawyoucrying.Whatkindofaheartlessassholewouldleaveyoulike

that?”

“Well,youweren’tsupposedtoseethat.Youreallyshouldhavekeptwalkingbecausenow

you’remakingitworse.”

“Ididn’twantthattobemylastvisual.”
“Ifyoureallyloveher,youshouldn’thavekissedme.”
Ihadn’tmeanttoyellit.
“Idoloveher.”Helookedupattheskythenbackatmewithanguishedeyes.“Youwantto

knowthetruth?Ifuckingloveyou,too.Idon’tthinkIrealizedhowmuchuntilIsawyouagain.”

Helovedme?
Ilaughedangrily.“Youloveusboth?That’smessedup,Elec.”
“You’vealwaystoldmeyouwantedhonesty.Ijustgaveittoyou.I’msorryifthetruthisa

fuckedupmess.”

“Well,shehasthehomecourtadvantage.You’llforgetaboutmeagainsoonenough.Thatwill

simplifythings.”Iwalkedbackaroundtothedriver ’sside.

“Greta…don’tleavelikethis.”
“I’mnottheoneleaving.”
Iclosedthedoor,turnedtheignitionanddroveaway.Ionlylookedintherearviewmirror

onceandsawElecstandinginthesamespot.Maybemyreactionwasunfair,butifhewasbeing
honestwithhisfeelings,thensowasI.

AllIcouldthinkaboutonthedrivehomewashowlifecouldbecruel.The“onethatgotaway”

wassupposedtostayaway,notcomebackandleaveyoualloveragain.

WhenIpulledintomydriveway,Inoticedanenvelopeonthepassengerseat.Itwastheone

thousanddollarscashI’dgivenhim.Thatmeantanymoneywe’dspentlastnightwashis.Therewasa
noteinside.

Ijustdidn’twantyoutogambleit.Icouldneverrepayyouforeverythingyou’vegivenme,let

alonetakemoneyfromyou.

***

TwomonthsafterElecreturnedtoCalifornia,Iwasfinallygettingbacktoaregularroutinein

NewYork.

MymotherhadcometostaywithmeforthefirstmonthafterRandy’sdeathbutdecidedthat

shewasn’thappylivingawayfromBoston.WithGregandClaralookingoutforherandmyvisiting
everyotherweekend,shewasadjustingaswellascouldbetohernewnormal.

ElecandIhadn’tcontactedeachotheratall.Itwasalittlebitofaletdowntonothavereceived

evenatext,especiallyafterhowweleftthings,butIwasn’tgoingtobethefirsttomakecontact.For

allIknew,I’dneverhearfromhimagain.

Thoughtsofhimstillconsumedmeeveryday.I’dwonderifhehadaskedChelseatomarry

him.I’dwonderwhetherhewasthinkingofme.I’dwonderwhatwouldhavehappenedifIhadn’t
gonetomyownroomthelastnightweweretogether.So,eventhoughIwasbacktomyhomebase,
mymindwasconstantlyelsewhere.

MylifeinManhattanwasprettypredictable.Iworkedlongdaysattheofficeandgothome

aroundeighteachnight.IfIdidn’tgooutfordrinkswithmyco-workers,I’dspendtheweeknights
readinguntilIfellasleepwithmykindleonmyface.

OnFridaynights,myneighborSullyandIwouldhavedinneranddrinksatCharlie’s,thepub

underneathmyapartment.Mostwomenintheirmid-twentieswouldspendtheirFridaynightswitha
boyfriendoragroupofwomentheirownage.Instead,Ichosetospenditwitha70-year-old
transvestite.

SullywasapetiteAsianmanwhodressedasawomanandinfact,Iassumedhewasawoman

untilonenightapairofspandexrevealedsomedisproportionatelymassivejunk.Isometimesthought
ofSullyasahe,othertimes,asashe.Itdidn’tmakeadifferencebecausebythetimeIfigured“it”
out,I’dalreadyfalleninlovewithherasaperson,anditdidn’tmatterwhatgendershewas.

Sullywasnevermarried,hadnokidsandwasextremelyprotectiveofme.Anytimeaguy

wouldwalkintoCharlie’s,I’dturntoSullyandsayjokingly,“Whatabouthim?”

Theanswerwasalwaysthesame.“NotgoodenoughformyGreta…butI’ddohim.”Then,

we’djusthaveagoodlaugh.

I’dalwaysbeenhesitanttotalktoSullyaboutElecbecauseIwasseriouslyafraidshe’dwantto

hunthimdownandkickhisass.OneparticularFridaynight,though,afteronetoomanymargaritas,I
finallydivulgedtheentirestoryfromstarttofinish.

“Now,Iunderstand,”Sullysaid.
“Understandwhat?”
“Whyyou’reherewithmeeveryFridaynightandnotonadatewithsomeman,whyyou’ve

beenunabletoopenyourhearttoanyone.Itbelongstosomeoneelse.”

“Itusedto.Now,it’sjustbroken.HowdoIfixit?”
“Sometimes,wecan’t.”
Sullystaredoff,andIsuspectedshewasspeakingfromexperience.
“Thetrickistoforceyourselftoopeniteventhoughit’sbroken.Abrokenheartisstilla

beatingone.AndtherearemanymenwhoI’msurewouldlikeanopportunitytotrytofixyoursif
you’dletthem.”Shecontinued,“I’lltellyouonething,though.”

“What?”
“This…Alec?”
“Elec…withane.”
“Elec.He’sluckyIwon’tsetfootonaplane.I’dsethisballsonfire.”
“Iknewyou’dfeelthisway.That’swhyIwasafraidtotellyou.”
“AndIdon’tknowwhothisKelseyis…”
“Chelsea…”
“Whatever.Thereisnowayshe’sbetterthanmyGreta,morebeautifulorwithabiggerheart.

He’safool.”

“Thankyou.”
“Someday,he’llrealizehemadeabigmistake.He’llshowuphere,you’llbelonggone,and

theonlybitchgreetinghimwillbeme.”

***

Thatweekend,IfeltbetterforthefirsttimesinceElecleft.Eventhoughitdidn’treallychange

anything,Sully’swordsofencouragementhadhelpedbringmeoutofmyfunkalittle.

OnSunday,I’dfinallygottenaroundtoreplacingmywinterclotheswithsummeroutfits.I’d

alwaysputoffthewardrobechangeoveruntilitwasalmosttoolatewhenhalfthesummerwas
alreadyover.Ispenttheentiredaydoinglaundry,purgingitemstodonateandneatlyorganizingmy
drawers.Theweatherwasdryandwarm,andthewindowsinmyapartmentstayedopen.

IdecidedIdeservedaglassofMoscatowineaftermylongdayofhousework.Isatonthe

balconyandstaredoutatthestreetbelow.Therewasagentlesummerbreezeasthesunstartedtogo
down;itwassuchaperfectevening.

Iclosedmyeyesandlistenedtothesoundsoftheneighborhood:traffic,peopleyelling,

childrenplayinginthesmallcourtyardacrossfromme.Thesmellofbarbecuingmeattrickledover
tomefromanadjacentbalcony.ItremindedmethatIhadn’teatenanythingallday,whichexplained
whythewinehadalreadyhitmesofast.

ItoldmyselfthatIlovedmyindependence:beingabletodowhateverIwanted,gowhereverI

wanted,eatwhateverandwheneverIwanted,butdeepdown,Ilongedtosharemylifewithsomeone.

MythoughtsalwaysseemedtotravelbacktohimnomatterhowhardItried.WhatIdidn’t

expectonthisquietsummernightwasreciprocation.

Whenmytextalertsounded,Ididn’timmediatelycheckit.IwassureitwasSullyinvitingme

overtowatchsomethingontelevisionormymothercheckingin.

MyheartstartedbeatingoutofcontrolwhenIsawhisname.Ididn’thavethecourageto

immediatelyreadthetextbecausenomatterwhat,Iknewitwasgoingtodisruptthecalmmoodof
thisnight.Ididn’tknowwhyIwassoscared.Itwasn’tlikethingswithEleccouldhavegottenany
worse,unlessofcoursehewascontactingmetoformallyannouncehisengagement,whichwould
havedevastatedme.

Ibreathedin,finishedoffmywineinonelonggulpthencountedtotenbeforelookingdown

atthemessage.

Iwantyoutoreadit.

CHAPTER18

Onesimplesentence,andanysmallprogressI’dmadethisweekendintryingtoforgethim

wentdownthetubes.MyhandwasshakingasIponderedaresponse.

Hewantedmetoreadtheautobiographyhewasworkingon.Whynow?Ofallthethingshe

couldhavesaid,thiswasthelastthingIexpected.

ThethoughtoffindingouteverythingI’dalwayswonderedaboutwasabsolutelyexcitingand

terrifyingallatonce—mostlyterrifying.EventhoughIwascertaintherewerepartsthatwouldupset
me,Ialreadyknewwhatmyreplytohimwouldbe.HowcouldIhavesaidno?

Iwouldlovetoreadit.

Elec:Iknowthisisoutofleftfield,especiallyafterhowweleftthings.

Hisresponsehadbeenimmediateasifhewerewaitingformyanswer.

Greta:Icertainlywasn’texpectingthis.

Elec:Idon’ttrustanyoneelsetoreadit.Ineedittobeyou.

Greta:Howwillyousendittome?

Elec:Icanemailittoyoutonight.

Tonight?IknewthenandtherethatI’ddefinitelybecallingoutofworktomorrow.Therewas

nowayIwouldbeabletostopreadingonceIstarted.WhatwasIgettingmyselfinto?

Greta:Okay.

Elec:It’snotfinished,butit’sprettylong.

Greta:I’llcheckmyemailinabitforit.

Elec:Thankyou.

Greta:You’rewelcome.

Ipouredtherestofthebottleintomyglassandcouldn’tinhalethenightairdeeplyenough.

Thesmelloftheneighbor ’spreviouslyappetizingbarbecuewasnowmakingmesick.

Iclimbedoffthebalconyandintomybedroomthroughthewindow.Openingmylaptop,I

anxiouslytypedinmyemailpasswordtoofast,havingtotryitseveraltimesbeforeitwentthrough
correctly.

ThereinboldrightatthetopwasanewemailfromElecO’Rourke.Thesubjectsimplywas

MyBook.Therewasnomessageinthebodyoftheemail,justaWorddocumentattached.I
immediatelyconvertedittoanotherformatsothatIcouldreaditonmykindle.

Iknewthatthisstorywasgoingtodevastateme.Thereweregoingtoberevelationsthat

wouldexplainRandyandElec’sbehaviortowardeachother.

WhatIwasn’texpectingwastobecompletelyguttedbytheveryfirstsentence.

***

Prologue:TheAppleDoesn’tFallFar

Iammybrother’sbastardchild.
Confusedyet?
ImaginehowIfeltwhenthatbombwasdroppedonme.
FromthetimeIwasfourteen,though,thatrevelationhasdefinedme.
MymiserablechildhoodwouldhavemadeahellofalotmoresenseifIhadbecomeprivyto

thatminordetailsooner.

Thesecretwasneversupposedtocomeout.Theplanwastohavemebelievethatthemanwho

degradedmeforaslongasIcouldcomprehendwordswasmyfather.

Whenheleftmymotherforanotherwoman,Mamiwouldeventuallyhaveanervousbreakdown

andspillthetruthonenightabouthowIactuallycametobe.Onceshe’ddivulgedallofthesickening
details,Icouldn’tfigureoutwhowasworse:themanIalwaysbelievedwasmyfatherorthesperm
donorIneverhadachancetomeet.

Thefuckedupstoryofmylifeactuallybeganover25yearsagoinEcuador.Thatwaswherea

U.S.businessmanwhoemigratedfromIreland,PatrickO’Rourke,spottedabeautifulteenagegirl
sellingherartworkonthestreet.

HernamewasPilarSolis.Patrickalwayshadapenchantforartandbeautifulwomen,sohe

wasinstantlymesmerized.Withherexoticbeautyandextremetalent,shewasunlikeanyonehe’dever
comeacross.

Butshewasyoung,andhewasleavingsoon.Thatdidn’tstophimfromgoingafterwhathe

wanted.

Patrickwasahigher-upataU.S.coffeepowerhouse.They’dtaskedhimwithoverseeingthe

purchaseofsomecropsoutsideofQuito.

TheonlythingPatrickhadbeenoverseeingwasPilar.
He’dvisitherstreetcarteverymorningandboughtapaintingeachdayuntileventually,he’d

purchasedthemall.Pilar’spaintingswereamainsourceofincomeforherlarge,impoverishedfamily.
Alloftheimagesdepictedintricatestained-glasswindowspaintedfrommemory.

Patrickbecameobsessed—morewiththegirlthanherart.Histripwassupposedtohaveonly

lastedthreeweeks,butheextendedittosix.

UnbeknownsttoPilar,Patrickwasn’tgoinghomeunlesshecouldtakeherwithhim.
Eventhoughshewasunder18,helocatedherparentsandbegantocourtherwiththeir

approval.He’dgiventhemmoneyandpurchasedgiftsforeverymemberoftheSolisfamily.

HespoketoherfatheraboutthepossibilityoftakingherbacktotheU.S.withhimwherehe

couldtakeherunderhiswing,putherthroughschoolandhelpherbuildarealartcareer.Thefamily
wasdesperateforoneoftheirowntohavethatkindofopportunity.Theyeventuallyagreedtolether
gotoAmericawithPatrick.

Pilarwascaptivatedandscaredoftheoldermanallatonce.Shefeltanobligationtogoalong

withhimdespitehertrepidation.Hewashandsome,charismaticandcontrolling.

AftermovingPilartothestates,Patrickkepttohisword.Hemarriedherwhensheturned18

tofacilitateherbeingabletostayintheU.S.,enrolledherinartschoolinadditiontoEnglishclasses

andusedhisconnectionstogetherartworkintosomeBayareagalleries.Theonecatchwentwithout
saying:Pilarwashis.Heownedher.

Whatshedidn’trealizewasthatPatrickhadafamily—anestrangedex-wifewho’djustmoved

backintotownwiththeirson.

Oneafternoon,PilarwaspaintingintheroomPatrickbuiltforthatverypurpose.Astrapping

youngmanwearingnothingbutjeanswholookedaboutherageappearedatthedoorway.Pilarhadno
ideawhohewas,justthatherbodyinstantlyreactedtohim.Hewasayounger,morehandsome
versionofherhusband.ShewasshockedtofindoutthatPatrickhadasonandthathewouldbe
stayingatthehouseforthesummer.

EveryafternoonwhilePatrickwasatwork,hisson,Randy,wouldsitandwatchPilarpaint.It

startedoutassomethinginnocent.She’dtellhimstoriesaboutEcuador,he’dintroducehertothe
latestmusicandAmericanpopculture—thingsPatrickcouldn’trelatetoat20yearstheirsenior.

Soon,Pilarfoundherselfcompletelysmittenandinloveforthefirsttimeinherlife.Randy,

whoalwaysfeltthatPatrickabandonedhim,heldnoallegiancetohisfather.WhenPilaradmittedthat
herfeelingsforherhusbandwereplatonic,Randydidn’thesitatetotakefulladvantage.

Oneday,he’dcrossedthelineandkissedher.Fromthatpointon,therewasnogoingback.

Theirafternoonencounterswentfrominnocentconversationstosordidrendezvous.Eventually,they’d
startedtotalkaboutasecretfuture.TheplanwastocarryontheiraffairuntilRandyfinishedcollege
andwasnolongerfinanciallydependentonPatrick.Then,they’dbothrunofftogether.

Inthemeantime,RandymovedpermanentlyintoPatrick’shousetobeclosertoherand

pretendedtohavegirlfriendstothrowhisfatheroff.RandyandPilarwerealwaysextremelycareful
untiltheonetimetheyweren’tandmiscalculatedPatrick’sreturndatefromabusinesstriptoCosta
Rica.

ThatwasthedayPatrickwalkedinonhisyoungwifefuckinghissonintheirbed.Thatwas

alsothemomentthatsetoffthechainofeventsthatledtomyexistence.

AnenragedPatricklockedPilarinaclosetwhilehebeattheshitoutofRandybeforekicking

himoutofthehouse.Patrickthenallegedlyrapedmymotherinthesamebedhe’dfoundherinwith
hisson.BythetimeRandybrokethroughthewindow,itwastoolate.

Exactlywhathappenednextisnotcompletelyclearbecausethedetailsgiventomehave

alwaysbeensketchy.TheonlythingIknowwithabsolutecertaintyisthatPatrickneverleftthat
bedroomalive.

Mamisayshefellandaccidentallyhitthebackofhisheadinthemiddleofastrugglewith

Randy.IsuspectthatRandymighthavekilledhim,butshewouldneveradmittothatifitweretrue.I
knewshe’dprotectRandyuntilthedayshedieddespitehisbetrayaloftheirmarriage.

ThepoliceneversuspectedanythingandboughtthestoryaboutPatrickfallingandhittinghis

head.

Becausehe’dlivedlavishlyandhadbeenputtingRandyandPilarthroughschool,Patrickhad

nomoneytoleavethem.Randyhadtodropoutofcollegeandditchhisdreamstotakeoddjobs.

ItwasareallybadtimeforPilartofindoutshewaspregnant.Sheknewitcouldn’thavebeen

Randy’ssincethey’dalwaysbeenextremelycarefulwithprotection.

ThebabywasPatrick’s.
Randylovedherandblamedhimselfforthesituationtheywerein.
Hebeggedhertogetanabortion,butsherefused.
HeknewhecouldnevergrowtolovetheproductofthenighthisfatherrapedPilar.
Hewasright.Hecouldn’t,buthewouldraisemeashisownanywayandwouldspendtherest

ofhislifetakingeverythingoutonme.

ThatwashowRandybecamemyfather,andhowIbecamemybrother’sbastardchild.

***

Thatwasonlytheprologue,andalreadyitfeltlikeanearthquakehadbarreledthroughmy

head.Icouldn’tbelievewhatIjustread.

Mymindandbodywerenowinthemidstofawarbecausewhilemyheartneededalongrest

beforecontinuingon,mybrainhadanurgentneedtoturnthepage.OnceI’dstartedreading,the
pageswouldn’tstopturningallnightlong.

I’dmadeitthroughthefirsthalfofthebookbydawn.ReadingabouttheverbalabuseElec

sufferedatthehandsofRandywasextremelypainful.Asaboy,Elecwouldhideinhisroomandget
lostinbookstoescapereality.Randywouldsometimespunishhimfornoreasonandtakethebooks
away.Oneofthosetimes,Elecstartedjottingastorydownonpaperanddiscoveredthatwritingwas
anevenmoresatisfyingescape.Hecouldcontrolthedestiniesofhischaracters,whereashehadno
controloverthelifehewasforcedtoliveinRandy’shome.

Asachild,heneverknewtherealreasonbehindRandy’shatred.Pilar ’sprotectionofRandy

wasunacceptable,andIwantedtostrangleherthroughthepages.Theonlygoodthingsheeverdid
wasgoagainstRandy’swishesinbuyingElecadog.LuckybecameElec’ssolaceandbestfriend.

ElecalsorecountedthetimewhenhefoundoutaboutRandy’sinfidelity.Hehackedintohis

father ’scomputeranddiscoveredtheonlineaffairwithmymother.Elecfeltguiltybecausehewasthe
onewhobrokethenewstoPilar.Randymovedoutsoonafter.

Pilar ’ssubsequentbreakdownopenedupawholenewsetofchallenges.Shebecamedependent

onElecinthesamewayshe’dalwaysreliedonRandy.That,coupledwithElecdiscoveringthetruth
aboutPatrick,andthenthedeathofLuckycausedadownwardspiral.

Hestartedtosmokeanddrinktocopewiththestress,developedanaddictiontotattoosasa

formofself-expressionandbecamesexuallypromiscuous.He’dlosthisvirginityat15toafemale
tattooartistafterhe’dconvincedherhewas18.

Itwasreallyhardformetogetthroughcertainpartsofthebook,buthisbrutalhonestywas

admirable.

IreadstraightthroughuntilarrivingattheonepointwhereIabsolutelyhadtostopbefore

continuing.

Itwasthechapteraboutme.

***

Chapter15:Greta

Vengeance.
Thatwastheonlythingthatwasgoingtogetmethroughhavingtospendthebetterpartofthe

nextyearlivingwithRandyandhisnewfamilywhileMami“wentaway.”

Theonlyconsolationwasgoingtobethesatisfactionthatwouldcomefrommakingtheirlives

miserable.

Hewasgoingtopayforputtingmymotherinthelooneybinandforleavingmetopickupthe

pieces.

I’dalreadydecidedthatIhatedher—thedaughter.I’dnevermether,butIimaginedtheworst

basedonhernamealone,whichironicallyrhymedwithvendetta.

Greta.

Ithoughtitwasanuglyname.
Iwasbettingshehadafacetomatch.
ThesecondIsteppedoffthatplane,thesmogandfunkysmellofBostonwereabiggiant“fuck

you.”I’dheardthatsongbeforeaboutthedirtywaterhere,andthatdidn’tsurprisemeaftertaking
onelookaround.

Whenwefirstpulleduptothehouse,IrefusedtogetoutofRandy’scar,butitwascold,andI

wasfreezingmyballsacoff,soIfinallygaveinanddraggedmyfeetinside.

Mystepsisterstoodinthelivingroomwaitingformewithahugesmileonherface.Myeyes

immediatelylandedonherneck.

Fuck.Me.
Rememberthatbetaboutthefacematchingthename?Well,apparently,I’dlostthatbettomy

dick.Gretawasn’tugly…atall.

Thisdevelopmentwasaminorhiccupinmyplan,andIwasdeterminednottoletitslowme

down.

Iremindedmyselftokeepaseriousface.
Herlongstrawberry-blondhairwastiedupintoaponytailthatswungbackandforthasshe

movedtowardme.

“I’mGreta.Nicetomeetyou,”shesaid
Shesmelledgoodenoughtoeat.
Icorrectedthethoughtinmyhead:goodenoughtoeatandSPITHEROUT.Don’tlosefocus.
Herhandwasstillsuspendedintheairasshewaitedformetotakeit.Ididn’tevenwantto

touchher.Thatwouldfurtherthrowmeofftrack.Ieventuallytookherhand,squeezingittootightly.I
wasn’texpectingittobesogoddamnsoftanddelicatelikeabird’sfootorsomeshit.Ittrembleda
little.Iwasmakinghernervous.Good.Thiswasagoodstart.

“Youlookdifferent…thanIpictured,”shesaid.
Whatwasthatsupposedtomean?
“Andyoulookpretty…plain,”Iretorted.
Youshould’veseenherface.ShethoughtIwasbeingniceforasplitsecond.Inippedthatin

thebudwhenIaddedtheword“plain.”Then,herprettysmiledippeddownintoafrown.That
should’vemademehappy,butIdidn’tlikeitatall.

Inreality,shewasanythingbutplain.Herbodywasexactlymytype:petitewithsmallcurves.

Herperfectlyroundlittleassstretchedthroughapairofgrayyogapants.Itwasnosurprisethatshe
didyogawithatightbodylikethat.

Andherneck…Icouldn’texplainwhatitwas,butitwasthefirstthingInoticedabouther.I

hadtourgetokissit,biteit,wrapmyhandaroundit.Itwasfuckingweird.

“Wouldyoulikemetoshowyoutoyourroom?”sheasked.
Shewasstilltryingtobesweet.IneededtogetoutoftherebeforeIcracked,soIignoredher

andheadedforthestairs.AfterabriefencounterwithSarah,whoIalwaysreferredtoasstepmonster,
Ifinallymadeittomyroom.

AfterRandycameintogivemeshitforagoodhalf-hour,Ichain-smokedandplayedsome

musictodrownoutthenoiseinmyhead.

Then,Iwenttothebathroomtotakeahotshower.
Isquirtedsomegirlypomegranatebodywashintomyhand.Therewasapinkloofahsponge

hangingoffasuctioncuponthetilewall.Ibetthatwaswhatsheusedtocleanherprettylittleass.I
grabbeditandwashedmybodywithitbeforeputtingitback.Thepomegranatecrapwasn’treally
enoughtodothejob,soIusedsomemen’sbodywashtofinish.

Thebathroomfilledwithsteam.Igotout,andasIwaswipingmybodydown,thedooropened.

Greta.
NowwasmychancetoprovethatIwasn’tallbarkandnobite.
Iletthetoweldroptothegroundtoshockher.Theideawasthatshe’drunoutsofastthat

she’dbarelyseeanything.

Instead,shestoodtherewithhereyesgluedtomycockring.
Whatthefuck?
Shewasn’teventryingtoturnawayashergazetraveledslowlyupwardtomychest.Finally,

afterwhatseemedlikeaneternity,itwaslikeshewokeupandrealizedwhatshewasdoing.Sheturned
awayandapologized.

Butbythattime,Iwasstartingtohavefunwithit,soIstoppedherfromleaving.
“Youactlikeyou’veneverseenaguynakedbefore.”
“Actually,Ihaven’t.”
Shewaskidding,right?
“Howdisappointingforyou.It’sgonnabereallyhardforthenextguytomeasureup.”
“Cockymuch?”
“Youtellme.Don’tIdeservetobe?”
“God…you’reactinglike—”
“Agiantdick?”
Hehheh.Thatshutherup.
Then,camemorestaring.
Now,thiswasjustgettinguncomfortable.
“There’sreallynowheretogofromhere,sounlessyou’replanningondoingsomething,you

shouldprobablyleaveandletmefinishgettingdressed.”

Shefinallyleft.
IhopedtoGodshewaskidding.Ifshe’dneverseenaguynakedbeforethenwhatI’djustdone

wasreallyfuckedup.

***

Acoupleofdayslater,I’doverheardhertellingherfriendthatshethoughtIwashot—“so

fuckinghot”—tobeexact.Honestly,eventhoughIknewIhadsomekindofeffectonher,Iwasn’t
exactlysureifitwasphysicalattraction.So,hearingthatwasalittlebitofagamechanger.Thegood:
IknewIcoulduseittomybenefit.Thebad:Iwasunbelievablyattractedtoher,tooandneededto
makesureshedidn’tknowit.

Livingatthehouseseemedtogetalittleeasiereachday.AlthoughIwouldneverhave

admittedit,Iwasn’texactlymiserableanymore—farfromit.

Itookjoyindoinglittlethingstomesswithher,likestealingallofherunderwearandher

vibrator.Okay,maybethatwasn’tsuchalittlething.Overall,though,Istartedtorealizethatthe
motivationbehindmyactionswasn’twhatIoriginallyintended.

GettingbackatRandywasbarelyanafterthoughtanymore.Now,IwasmessingwithGreta

simplytogetherattention.

Inamatterofdays,I’dallbutforgottenaboutmy“evilplan.”
Oneafternoon,though,shitgotrealwhenIintentionallybroughtagirlfromschooltoKilt

CaféwhereGretaworked.I’lladmit;Ihadnoproblemgettinggirlsandhadbeenwithafewofthe
hottestonesatschoolwithinthefirstmonth.Buttheyallboredme.Everythingboredme—except
gettingariseoutofmystepsister.

Gretaneverboredme.

ThefirstthingI’dthinkaboutwhenI’dwakeupinthemorningwashowIwasgoingtoruffle

herfeathersnext.

Thatdayatthecaféwasnoexception,butitwasaturningpoint—oneIcouldn’tturnback

from.

Gretawaswaitingonourtable,andI’dbeenintentionallygivingheradifficulttime.She

endeduptryingtogetbackatmebypouringashitloadofhotsauceintomysoup.WhenIfiguredit
out,Igulpedtheentirethingdowntospiteher.Eventhoughitburnedlikehell,Ididn’tletitshow.I
wassoimpressedwithherthatIcouldhavekissedher.

So,Idid.
Undertheguiseofretaliation,Iusedthesoupasanexcusetocornerherinadarkcorridor

anddowhatI’dwantedtoforweeks.I’llneverforgetthenoiseshemadewhenIfirstgrabbedherand
claimedherwetlittlemouthwithmine.Itwaslikeshewasstarvingforit.Icouldhavekissedherall
damnday,butthiswassupposedtoappearlikeitwasaboutthehotsauceandnotthekiss.So,I
reluctantlyrippedmyselfawayandwentbacktothetable.

Iwashardashell,andthatwasn’tgood.Itoldmydatetomeetmeoutsidesoshewouldn’t

notice.

Ihadtomakeitseemlikewhatjusthappeneddidn’taffectmeandneededtoquicklyreinforce

theideathatitwasajoke.I’dbeencarryingaroundapairofGreta’sunderwearwithmefordaysjust
waitingfortheperfectopportunitytotauntherwiththem.So,Ileftherthethongaspartofhertip
withanotethatsuggestedshechangeintothembecauseshewasprobablyalittlewet.

IwishedIcouldhaveseenherreaction.

***

Wewerestartingtospendmoretimetogether.She’dcometomyroomandplayvideogames,

andI’dsneakglancesatherneckwhenshewasn’twatchingme.

I’dreplaythekissinmyheadconstantly,sometimesevenwhenIwaswithothergirls.
GretaandIwouldbeeatingicecreamtogether,andtheurgetolickitoffthecornerofher

mouthwasenormous.

Icouldfeelmyselffallingforherinmorewaysthanone,andIdidn’tlikeit.
NotonlywasIattractedtoher,butshewasthefirstgirlwhosecompanyIactuallyenjoyed.
Ineededtokeepmyselfincheck,though,sincetakingitanyfurtherwithherwasnotanoption.

So,IkeptbringinggirlshomeandpretendednottohavefeelingsforGreta.

ItwasworkingoutalrightuntilIfoundoutshewasgoingonadatewithaguyfromschool:

Bentley.Hewasbadnews.Herfriendendedupaskingmetojointhemonadoubledate,andItookthe
opportunitysothatIcouldkeepaneyeonthings.

Thedatehadbeentorture.Havingtohidemyjealousy,Iwasforcedtositbackandwatchwhile

thisassholeputhishandsonher.Atthesametime,Greta’sfriend,Victoria,wasalloverme,andthere
waszerointerestonmypart.IjustwantedtogetGretahomesafely,butthenightturnedintowaymore
thanIbargainedfor.Beforeitwasover,I’dnearlyputBentleyinthehospitalafterhe’dconfessedthat
he’dmadeabetwithGreta’sexthathecoulddevirginizeher.Iwentballistic.NeverinmylifehadI
felttheneedtoprotectsomeonelikeIwantedtoprotecther.

Thenextday,Gretawouldreturnthefavorinabigway.
Randyhadbargedintomyroomandwentononeofhisabusiverants.She’doverheardand

stuckupformeinawaythatnooneeverhad.EventhoughIpretendedtobetoodrunktorememberit,
Iclungtoeveryworduntilshekickedhimoutoftheroom.

Thinkingback,I’mprettysurethatwasthemomentIfellinlovewithher.

***

Thatsameweekend,ourparentswentaway.Itwasbadtimingbecausemyfeelingsforherwere

atanall-timehigh.I’dmadeupastoryaboutgoingoutonadatejustsoIdidn’thavetobealonewith
her.

Thatnight,she’dwokenmeupinthemiddleofadream.I’dbeenhavingoneofmynightmares

aboutthenightMamialmostkilledherself.

ItriedtolightenthemoodbecauseImusthavelookedlikeacrazyperson.Isaidsomethingto

herlike,“HowdoIknowyou’renottryingtotakeadvantageofmeinthemiddleofthenight?”

Itwasajoke.
Shestartedtocry.
Shit.
I’dhitanewlow.
AlloftheanticsI’dbeenpullingtomaskmytruefeelingshadtakenatollonher.Ihadtostop,

butwithouttheinsultsandjokestohidebehind,thosefeelingswouldbecomeobvious.

Whenshefledtoherroom,Iknewsleepwasn’tgoingtobepossibleuntilI’datleastmadeher

smileagain.IhadanideaandgrabbedherdildoI’dbeenhidingandtookittoherroom.Istartedto
tickleherwithit.

Eventually,shegaveintothelaughter.Wespenttherestofthenightlyinginherbedtalking.

ThatwasthefirsttimeI’dreallyopenedupandmadethemistakeofadmittingmyattractiontoher.

Shetriedtokissme,andIrelented.Itfeltsogoodtotastehermouthagainandtonothaveto

pretendthatitwasn’treal.Igrabbedherfaceandtookcontrolofit.Itoldmyselfthatnothingbad
wouldhappenaslongasIcoulddrawthelineatkissing.I’dalmosthadmyselfconvincedwhenshe
flooredmewithwordsthatwouldruinme.

“Iwantyoutoshowmehowyoufuck,Elec.”
Ifreakedoutandpushedheroffofme.ItwasthehardestthingIeverhadtodo,butitwas

necessary.Iexplainedtoherthatwecouldneverletthingsgothatfar.

Itriedreallyhardafterthattodistancemyself.Still,thosewordsrangoutinmyheadatnight,

intheshower,prettymuchallday.Ilostinterestinothergirlsandpreferredjerkingofftoexplicit
thoughtsoffulfillingGreta’srequestinwaysshecouldhaveneverimagined.

***

Weekswentby,andIbecamedesperatetoconnectwithherinsomewayagain.IdecidedI’dlet

herreadmybook.Aftershefinishedit,she’dwrittenmeanotethatshesealedinanenvelope.Afraid
toseewhatitsaid,Iputoffopeningit.

Then,camethenightwheneverythingchanged.
Gretahadgoneoutonadate.Iknewtheparticularguywasharmless,soIwasn’tworried

aboutherthistime.Iwasworriedaboutme.EventhoughIcouldn’thaveGreta,Ididn’twantanyone
elsetohaveher,either.

Iwatchedhimfromthewindowashewalkedtothedoorwithflowers.Whatatwatwaffle.Ihad

todosomething.Whenhecameupstairstousethebathroom,Iaccostedhiminthehallway.Igavehim
apairofherunderwearandtoldhimGretahadlefttheminmyroom.Itwasadickmove,butIwas
desperate.

Itpissedmeoffevenmorewhensheleftwithhim.Whenshetextedmefromthecar,Iaskedher

tocomehome.ShethoughtIwaskidding.Iwasn’t.I’djustlostmywillpowerforasecond.

Soonafter,thephonerang,andIwassureitwasGreta.
DreadsetinafterIrealizeditwasmymother.
ShecalledmetosayshewasbackinCalifornia,thatshe’dbeenreleasedfromrehab.I

panickedbecausesheshouldn’thavebeenaloneinherstateofmind.Ididn’tknowwhattodobecause
IknewIhadtogobackrightawaynow.

Ididn’twanttoleaveGreta.
ButIhadtogo.
Itextedhertocomehomefromherdate,thatsomethinghadhappened.Thankfully,thattime

shelistened.

IknewIhadtotellherthetruthaboutwhyIwasleaving.Whenshecametomyroom,she

lookedsobeautifulinabluedressthathuggedhertinywaist.Iwantedtotakeherinmyarmsand
neverlethergo.

ItoldherasmuchasIcouldaboutMamithatnightbecausesheneededtoknowthatitwasn’t

mychoicetoleave.

Everythingwashappeningsofast.ItoldhertogobacktoherroombecauseIcouldn’ttrust

myself.Aftermuchcoaxing,shefinallylistened.Itreallywasmyintentiontodotherightthingand
stayawayfromherthatnight.

Iwasaloneandmissingheralreadyeventhoughshewasjustinthenextroom.Idecidedto

openherletter,expectingtofindsomegrammaticalcorrectionsandsmallcritiquesaboutmybook.

Shesaidthingsinthatletterthatnoonehadeversaidtomeinmyentirelife,thingsIneeded

tohear:thatIwastalented,thatIinspiredhertofollowherowndreams,thatsherespectedme,that
shecaredaboutme,thatshecouldn’twaittoreadmore,thatshefellinlovewithmywriting,thatshe
wassoproudofme,thatshebelievedinme.

GretamademefeelthingsIneverhadbefore.Shemademefeelloved.
Ilovedthisgirl,andIcouldn’tdoanythingaboutit.
Withoutthinkingitthrough,Iknockedonherdooranddecidedtogiveherwhatshe’daskedme

for.

IcouldgointodetailsaboutallofthethingsthatGretaandIdidthatnight,buttobehonest,

it’snotsomethingIfeelcomfortablewritingaboutbecauseofhowmuchitmeanttome.Shetrustedme
enoughtogivemesomethingthatnooneelsewilleverget.Thatnightwassacredtome,andIhope
sherealizesthat.

TheonethingIwillsayisthatIwillneverforgetacertainlookonherface.Hereyeshadbeen

closed,anditwasthewaysheopenedthemandlookedatmetheveryfirstmomentIwasfullyinsideof
her.

Tothisday,Istillhaven’tforgivenmyselfforleavingherthenextmorning.I’dneverfeltso

attachedtoanyone.Shehadfullygivenherselftome.Shewasmine,andIthrewheraway.Iletguilt
andsomedeep-rootedneedtoprotectmymotherinordertojustifymyexistencewinovermyown
happiness.

Idon’tthinkGretaeverrealizedthatIlovedherlongbeforethatnight.
AsIwritethis,whatshedefinitelydoesn’tknowisthatafewyearslater,Icamebackforher,

butitwastoolate.

CHAPTER19

He’dcomebackforme?
Myhandcoveredmychestasifitweregoingtokeepmyheartfromleapingoutofit.
Itwasnowmid-morning,andthehustleandbustleofthedailygrindcouldbeheardfrommy

window.Thesunwaspouringintotheapartment.I’dalreadycalledoutofworkearlierbecauseI
neededtofinishthisbooktoday.

Tonightwasa30thbirthdaycelebrationforaco-workeratadowntownnightclub,andIwasn’t

sureifI’devenbeabletoputitdownlongenoughtogo.

Iwalkedtothekitchentohavesomewaterandforceddownagranolabar.Theenergywould

bemuchneededtogetthroughthisnextpart.

He’dcomebackforme?
Icurledbackintothecouch,tookadeepbreathandturnedthepage.

***

Youhavetotreataddictiontoapersonthesamewayyouwouldadrugproblem.IfIcouldn’tbe

allinwithGreta,thenIcouldn’thaveanycontactwithheratallbecausethatwouldhavecausedme
tospiraloutofcontrol.

Evencallingortextingwasn’tgoingtobepossible.Itseemedharsh,butIwouldn’thavebeen

abletohandleeventhesoundofhervoiceifwecouldn’tbetogether.

Thatdidn’tmeanthatIwasn’tpiningforhereverysingleday.Thatfirstyearwashell.
MamiwasnobetterthanbeforeI’dgonetoBoston.Shekeptinterrogatingmeforinformation

aboutRandyandSarah,stalkingSarah’sfacebookpageandaccusingmeofbeingatraitorafterI
admittedthatmystepmotherwasn’tallthatbadonceyougottoknowher.Icouldn’tevenmention
Greta’snamebecauseIdidn’twantmymothertolookheruporsuspectanything.Mamiwasbackon
sleepingpills,andIhadtowatchherlikeahawk.

Iwasrightinmyassumptionthatshecouldhaveneverhandledeventhethoughtofmybeing

withGretaatthattime.Itwasasadirony:MamiwasobsessedwithSarah,andunbeknownsttoher,
I’dbecomeobsessedwithSarah’sdaughter.Wewerequitethefuckeduppair.

NotadaywentbywithoutmyhavingathoughtaboutGretawithanotherguy.Itmademecrazy.

Iwassofarawayandpowerless.Ironically,therewasasideofmethatwishedattheveryleast,Iwere
abletoprotectherasmysisterevenifweweren’ttogether.Sick,right?Butwhatifsomeonehurther?
Iwouldn’tevenknowaboutitandcouldn’tbeathimdown.Andforgetaboutthethoughtofherfucking
anotherguy.I’dactuallypunchedaholeonceinmybedroomwalljustthinkingaboutthat.

Then,onenight,IlostcontrolandtextedherthatImissedher.Iaskedhernottorespond.She

didn’t,anditmademefeelworse.I’dvowednevertorepeatthatmistake.

MylifehadgonebacktoexactlywhatitwasbeforeImovedtoBoston:smoking,drinkingand

fuckinggirlsIdidn’tcareabout.Itwasempty.Theonlydifferencefrombeforewasthatnow,
somewheredeepbeneaththefilthwasthislongingformore…forher.She’dgivenmeatasteofthetype
ofhumanconnectionmylifehadbeenmissingallalong.

Iexpectedthegnawingfeelinginmychesttogoawayovertime,butitneverdid;itonly

intensified.Ithinkthatwasbecausedeepdown,Ialsosensedthatwherevershewas,Gretawas
thinkingofme,feelingthesameway.Isomehowfeltit,anditateawayatmeforyears.

***

Twoyearslater,Mami’smentalstatehadfinallyimprovedaftershemetaguy.Hewasherfirst

boyfriendsinceRandylefther.GeorgewasLebaneseandownedtheconveniencestoredownthestreet
fromus.Hewasoverthehouseallofthetimeandwouldalwaysbringpitabread,hummusandolives.
Forthefirsttimeever,herobsessionwithRandyseemedtohavewaned.

Georgewasagreatguy,butthehappiershewaswithhim,themorebitterIbecame.I’dgiven

uptheonegirlIevercaredaboutbecauseIthoughtitwoulddevastatemymotherbeyondrepair.Now,
shewashappy,andIwasstillmiserable.AndGretawasgone.

I’dfeltlikeImadethebiggestmistakeofmylife.
Ineededtotalktosomeoneaboutitbecausemyangerwaseatingawayatmedaybyday.Ihad

nevermentionedwhathappenedwithGretatoasinglesoul.TheonlypersonIcouldtrustwasRandy’s
friend,Greg,who’dbecomelikeasecondfathertome.

Hegavemesomeinsideinformationthatdayduringourphonecall:Gretahadapparently

recentlymovedtoNewYork.HeevenhadheraddressfromtheirChristmascardlist.Gregtriedto
convincemetoflyoutthereandtellherhowIfelt.Ididn’tthinkshewouldwanttoseemeevenifshe
stillcaredaboutme.IhurthersobadlythatIdidn’tunderstandhowshecouldeverforgiveme.Greg
feltthatgoingtoseeherinpersonwouldmakeabiggerimpression.Despitemyfears,Ibookeda
ticketthenextday,whichhappenedtobeNewYearsEve.

ItoldMamiIwasgoingtovisitafriendI’dmetyearsagotocelebratetheholidayinthecity.I

wouldn’ttellheraboutGretaunlessthisworkedout.

Thesix-hourplaneridewasthemostnerve-wrackingexperienceofmylife.Ijustwantedtoget

there.Ijustwantedtoholdheragain.Ididn’tknowwhatI’dsayorwhatIwasgoingtodowhenIlaid
eyesonher.Ididn’tknowifshewasevenwithsomeone.Iwasgoinginblind.

ThiswasthefirsttimeinmylifethatIeverputmyselffirstandfollowedmyheart.
Ihopeditwasn’ttoolatebecauseIreallywantedtheopportunitytotellherallofthethingsI

shouldhavetoldherthreeyearsago.SheneverevenknewIlovedherthenightshe’dgivenmeher
virginity.

Iftheplaneridetookaneternity,thesubwayridetoherapartmentcomplexseemedevenmore

frustratinglylong.Asthetrainswayed,everysinglememoryofherflashedthroughmyheadlikea
movie.Icouldn’thelpbutsmileasIthoughtaboutsomeoftheshitIpulledonherandwhatagood
sportshewas.Shemademehappy.Mostly,myminddriftedtothatfinalnightwhenshe’dgivenmefull
ownershipofherbody.Thetrainstopped;therewasaslightdelay.Gettingtohersoonfelturgentnow.

Ineededtogettoher.
WhenIfinallymadeittoherbuilding,Idouble-checkedtheaddressI’djotteddownonasmall

pieceofpaper.Herlastname,Hansen,waswritteninpennexttoapartment7bonthelistinginside
themainentrance.

Therewasnoanswer.InixedtheideaofcallingortextingherbecauseIworriedshe’dsayshe

didn’twanttomeetwithmebeforeIhadachancetoseeher.Icameallthewayhere.Ineededtoat
leastseeherface.

Therestaurantdownstairsservedastheperfectwaitingspotbeforetryingherdooragainin

anotherhour.

Iknockedonthatdooreveryhouronthehourfromfourintheafternoonuntilnineatnight.

Eachtime,therewasnoanswer,andI’djustgobacktoCharlie’sPubandwait.

Thetimewas9:15.I’dneverforgetthemomentIgotmywish.
Igottoseeher.

Butitwasn’tthewayIwantedittohappen.
Greta.
Shewaswearingathickoff-whiteparkaasshecamestrollingintoCharlie’s.Shewasn’talone.

Aguy—wholookedahellofalotmoreputtogetherthanme—hadhisarmwrappedaroundher.

Thegreasyfoodinmystomachstartedtocomeuponme.
Shewaslaughingastheytookaseatinthemiddleoftherestaurant.Shelookedhappy.She

didn’tnoticemebecauseherbackwasfacingmeasIsatinacornerbooth.

Herhairwastiedupinatwist.Iwatchedassheunwoundthelavenderscarfshe’dbeen

wearing,revealingthebackofherbeautifulneck—theneckIwassupposedtobekissingtonightafter
ItoldherhowmuchIlovedher.

Theguyleanedinandkissedhergentlyontheface.
Avoiceinsideofmescreamed,“Don’ttouchher!”
Hislipsmouthedthewords,“Iloveyou.”
WhatwasIsupposedtodo?Gooverthereandsay,“Ohhello,I’mGreta’sstepbrother.Ifucked

theshitoutofheronceandlefttheverynextday.Sheseemshappywithyou,andyouprobably
actuallydeserveher,butIwashopingyoucouldstepasideandletmetakeoverfromhere.”

Ahalf-hourwentby.Iwatchedthewaiterbringthemtheirfood.Iwatchedthemeat.Iwatched

theguyreachoveradozenmoretimestokissher.I’dclosemyeyesandlistentothesoundofher
sweetlaughter.Ididn’tknowwhyIstayed.Ijustcouldn’tgetmyselftoleaveher.Iknewitwaslikely
thelasttimeI’deverseeher.

10:15:Gretagotupfromherseatandlethimplacehercoatoverhershoulders.Shenever

oncelookedinmydirection.Ihadn’tconsideredwhatIwouldhavedoneifshenoticedme.Iwastoo
numbtomoveoreventhinkclearly.

Iwatchedhereveryseconduntilthedoorclosedbehindthem.
Thatnight,IwanderedthecityandeventuallyendedupwiththemassesinTimesSquare

watchingtheballdrop.Amidsttheconfetti,noisemakersandcheering,IwonderedhowI’devengotten
therebecauseIwasstillinadazesinceleavingtherestaurant.

Arandommiddle-agedwomangrabbedmeandhuggedmewhentheclockstruckmidnight.She

couldn’thaveknownit,butI’dneverneededahuginmylifemorethanthatmoment.

IboardedaplanebacktoCaliforniathenextmorning.
Afewmonthslater,Randyhadcalledthehouseforthefirsttimeinalmostayear.Icasually

askedaboutGreta,andhetoldmeshe’dgottenengaged.ThatwasthelasttimeIevermentionedher
name.

IttookmealmostthreeyearsbeforeIcouldreallymoveonwithsomeoneelse.

***

Ihadtostop.Ithrewmykindleacrosstheroom.Myeyesweresofilledwithtearsthatthe

wordswerebecomingblurrytowardtheend.

IclosedmyeyestightlytoseeifIcouldrecallanythingthatcouldhavecluedmeintothefact

thatElecwasthere.Hewasthere.HowcouldInothaveknownhewasrightbehindme?

He’dcomeforme.
Itstillhadn’tfullysunkin.
Irememberedthatnight.
IrememberedTimandIwerestillinthehoneymoonstageofourrelationship.Thingswere

goingwell.

IrememberedeventhoughitwasNewYearsEve,we’dbeenoutalldayshoppingforanew

computerforme.

IrememberedwestoppedatmyapartmenttodropitoffandthenheadedintoCharlie’sfora

latedinnerbeforegoingtoTimesSquaretowatchtheballdrop.

Irememberedwhentheclockstruck12,Timwarmedmefromthecoldwithhiskisses.
Irememberedwonderingwhyinthemidstofthismagicalnightwithamanwhowas

seeminglyperfectandwhotrulycaredaboutme,allIwantedwasElec.AllIhadbeenabletothink
aboutwasElec:wherehewasatthatverymoment,whetherhewaswatchingthefestivitiesonTV,
whetherhewasthinkingofme,too.

Allthewhile,Elecwasrightthere.
Fatehadscrewedusover.

***

Inthenextcoupleofchapters,hewroteaboutfindingacareerpaththatwasmeaningful,and

howhecametosettleonsocialwork.Hefeltaresponsibilitytohelpothers,particularlychildren
who’dcomefrombrokenhomeslikehehad.

Irushedthroughthefollowingchaptersdetailinghowhe’dmetChelsea.Itwastheonlypartof

thebookI’dfelttheneedtospeedthrough.Thegistwasthathemetherattheyouthcenter,they’d
hungoutalotafterworkasfriends.Hewasapprehensiveaboutgettinginvolvedwithherbecausehe
knewshewasthetypeofgirlwhowantedaseriousrelationship.Hewasn’tsurehewasreadyforthat.
Overtime,she’dmadehimforgetaboutme,madehimlaugh,andhegrewtoloveandcareabouther.
Shewashisfirstseriousrelationship,andheplannedtoproposetoher…until—

***

Itfeltlikemyworldcamecrashingdownonthatday.
Thingsweregoingbetterthanthey’deverhadinmyentirelife.Myjobwasstableand

fulfilling.ChelseaandIhadmovedintogether,andIwasplanningtoaskhertomarrymeather
sister’sweddingcomingupinjustafewdays.Aone-caratwhitegoldsolitairehadbeenstashedaway
forweeks.

Mamiwasdoingalotbetter.She’dbeenonarollwithnewartprojects.Whileshe’dbrokenup

withGeorgeayearagoandhadamajorrelapse,shewasnowdatinganewguynamedStevewho’d
onceagaintakensomeofherfocusoffofRandy.So,lifewasasgoodasitwasgonnaget—untila
phonecallfromClarachangedeverything.

“I’msosorrytohavetotellyouthis,Elec.Randyhadaheartattackanddied.”Thosewerethe

firstwordsthatcameoutofhermouth.Initially,myreactionwasthesameasifshewerecallingtotell
mewhatdayoftheweekitwas.

Randywasdead.
Itdidn’tmatterhowmanytimesI’drepeateditinmyheadthatday;itwouldn’tsinkin.
Chelseahadsomehowconvincedmetogobackfortheservicedespitemybetterjudgment.

Randywouldn’thavewantedmethere.Iwasstillinshockandtoodesensitizedtofightherpushing
guiltonme.Shedidn’tknowwhatkindofrelationshipRandyandIhad.Fromherperspective,there
wasnoexcuseformynotattending.Itwaseasierformetojustgiveinthanhavetotellher
everything.IalsoknewthatMamicouldn’thandlegoing.Shewantedmetogoinherplaceto
representthetwoofus.So,beforeIknewit,IwasonaplanewithChelseaheadingtoBoston.

Thestagnantairontheplanewassuffocating.ChelseakeptholdingmyhandasIblastedthe

volumeofmymusic.I’dalmostmanagedtocalmdownwhenaflashofGreta’sfaceinducedfurther

panic.NotonlywasIgoingtohavetodealwithRandy’sdeath,butshewouldprobablybetheretoo
withherhusband.

Fuck.
Iknewthiswasgoingtobetheworstcoupleofdaysofmylife.
WhenwegottoGregandClara’shouse,Iwasreallyonedge.ChelseaandItookashower

togetherintheguestbathroom,butithadn’tdoneanythingtopacifymynervousstate.Beforewe’dleft
California,I’dpickedupacaseoftheimportedclovecigarettesIusedtosmoke.Itookoneoutandlit
itasIsatonthebedwhileChelseawasstillinthebathroomgettingdressed.Iwasdisappointedin
myselfforrelapsingintosmokingagain,butitfeltliketheonlythingholdingmetogetheratthat
point.

Ihadnomotivationtogetdressedandgodownstairs.Ilitanothercigarette,inhaleddeeply

andwalkedovertotheFrenchdoorsthatledtoabalconyoverlookingthebackyard.Theskywas
overcast.

Lookingdownwasacolossalmistake.
Myfiststightenedinafightingresponsetothefactthatmyheartwasbeatingsorapidly.
Iwasn’tsupposedtoeverseeheragainlikethis.Apartofmethatdiedwascomingbacktolife

whenitshouldn’thave.Ididn’tknowhowtohandleit.

Greta’sbackwasturned.ShewasstaringoutintothegardenandmusthavejustfoundoutI

washere.Shewasprobablytryingtoplanherescapesoshedidn’thavetofaceme,ormaybeshewas
justasangryatthispredicamentasIwas.Thefactthatshewasstandingallaloneouttheretoldme
thatmybeingherewasaffectingher.

“Greta,”Iwhisperedtomyself.
Itwaslikesheheardmebecausesheturnedaround.Suddenly,atidalwaveofemotionsthatI’d

triedtoburysincethatnightinNewYorkcamefloodingout.Iwasn’tpreparedtoseeherfacelooking
upatme.

Itookanotherlongdrag.
Ialsowasn’tpreparedforhowangrythismomentwouldmakeme.Withonelookintohereyes,

Iwasstartingtofeeleverything:therealizationofRandy’sdeath,thepainfulreminderofmy
unresolvedfeelingsforher,thejealousyandcrushingdisappointmentofthatnightinNewYork,the
twitchofmytraitorouscock.

Thelevelofragebuildinginsideofmewasanunpleasantsurprise.
Iwassoconfused.
Ineverwantedtoseeyouagain,Greta.
It’ssofuckinggoodtoseeyouagain,Greta.
Ifeltlikeshecouldseerightthroughmeinthatmoment,andIdidn’tlikeit.Wejuststayed

lookingateachotherforprobablyanentireminute.Herpreviouslydumbfoundedexpressiondarkened
assoonasIfeltChelsea’shandswraparoundme.

Iinstinctivelyturnedaroundandmovedback,pushingChelseaawayfromthewindow.IthinkI

wastryingtoprotectGreta’sfeelingsinthatmomentbutdidn’tknowwhyIbothered.Whatthefuckdid
sheexpectmetodo,sitaroundandpineforheralonewhileshemarriedMr.Wonderful?Still,Iknew
seeingChelseaappearoutofnowherelikethatmusthavebeenashock.

“Areyouokay?”Chelseaasked.Shehadn’tseenGreta.
“Yeah,”Isaiddismissively.
Needingtobealone,IwalkedtothebathroomandshutthedoortogearupbeforeIhadtoface

themusic.

***

Shewassittingatthefarcornerofthediningroomtablewhenwegotdownstairs.Shewouldn’t

lookatme.

Ihatewhenyoudothat,Greta.
Sarahgotupandhuggedme.Igavehersomebriefgreeting,toldherIwassorryaboutRandy,

buttheentiretimeIwasthinkingaboutwhatthefuckIwasgoingtosaytoGreta.Iglancedoverat
her,andnow,shewaslookingatme.IstoodbackasChelseahuggedSarahandgavehercondolences.

Ineededtobitethebullet.
Iwalkedovertoherandbarelygothernameout.“Greta.”
Shehoppedupnervouslylikemysayinghernamehadlitafireunderherass.Shestuttereda

little.“I…I’msosorry…aboutRandy.”

Herlipstrembled.Shewasdiscombobulated—amess,Itoldmyself.Ididn’twanttoadmitthat

shewasevenmorebeautifulthanIremembered,thatnewhighlightsinherhairbroughtoutthegoldin
thehazeltoneofhereyes,thatI’dmissedthethreesmallfrecklesonhernose,thatthewayherblack
dresshuggedherbreastsremindedmeofthingsIneededtoforgetnow.

Icouldn’tmove,juststoodtheretakingherin.Thefamiliarscentofherhairwasintoxicating.
Mybodyflinchedwhenshereachedouttohugme.Ihadreallytriednottofeelanything,but

hereinherarmswastheepicenterofitall.Herheartwasbeatingagainstmychest,andmine
immediatelyrespondedbymatchingtherhythm.Ourheartswerecommunicatinginawaythatour
egoswouldn’tallowwithwords.Theheartbeatisthepurestformofhonesty.

Iputmyhandonherbackandcouldfeelthestrapofherbra.BeforeIcouldevenprocesswhat

thatdidtome,Chelsea’svoicesnappedmeoutofitasGretarippedherselfawayfromme.Thespace
betweenusfeltinfinitelyvast.

Icouldn’tbelievethiswasreallyhappening:mypastcollidingwithmypresent.Theonethat

gotawaywasfacetofacewiththeonewhogotmeoverit.

Greta’slefthandwasbare;therewasnodiamond.Wherewasherfiancéorhusband?Where

thefuckwashe?

Engrossedinmythoughts,Ididn’tevenhearwhattheyweresayingtoeachother.
Clarasavedthedaywhenshewalkedinwithfood,andGretawenttohelpher.
Gretareenteredthediningroomandstartedplacingthesilverwaredownaroundus.Shewasso

tense,andpieceskeptslippingandclinkingaroundasshefumbledwiththem.Iwantedtojokeandask
herwhenshestartedpracticingplayingpercussionwithspoons.Ididn’t.

Whenshefinallysatdown,Gregasked,“So,howdidyoukidsmeet?”
GretalookedupfromherplateforthefirsttimeasChelseaexplainedhowwemetattheyouth

center.WhenChelsealeanedintokissme,IfeltGretawatchingit,andthemoodbecamevery
uncomfortable.

Thesubjectchangedtomymother,andGretawasbacktopretendingshewasengrossedinher

plate.

MybodystiffenedagainwhenChelseaaskedheraquestion.“Wheredoyoulive,Greta?”
“IliveinNewYorkCity,actually.Ijustcameintotownacoupleofdaysago.”
“I”cameintotown,not“we.”
IwishedIhadacameratocapturethelookonGreta’sfacewhenChelseasuggestedwevisit

herinNewYork.

Themoodgotquietagain,andI’dsnucksomeglancesinwhenshewasn’tlooking.Whenshe

caughtme,Ishiftedmyattentionbacktomyplate.

“Elecnevertoldmehehadastepsister,”Chelseasaid.
Iwasn’tsurewhomthestatementwasdirectedtoward,butIwasn’ttouchingthatsubjectwitha

ten-footpole.Gretastillrefusedtolookatme.

Sarahspokeup.“Eleconlylivedwithusforashorttimebackwhentheywereteenagers.”She

lookedatGreta.“Thetwoofyoudidn’tgetalongtoowellbackthen.”

Forsomereason,theuncomfortablelookonGreta’sfacegotundermyskin.Shewasstill

lookingdownandnotacknowledginghermother’sstatement,notacknowledgingme.Anunexplainable
needforhertoacknowledgetome,toacknowledgewhatwehad,overtookmybetterjudgment.I
revertedbacktomyoldwaysforamomentandstartedtotaunthertogetherattention.

“Isthattrue,Greta?”
Shelookedfrazzled.“Iswhattrue?”
Iliftedmybrow.“Thatwedidn’tgetalong.”
Herjawtightened,andhereyesneverleftmineastheysilentlywarnedmenottopushit.
Finally,shesaid,“Wehadourmoments.”
Myvoiceloweredtoagentlertone.“Yeah,wedid.”
Herfacewasturningred.I’dpushedit.Itriedtododamagecontrolbylighteningthemood.

“Whatwasityouusedtocallme?”

“Whatdoyoumean?”
“‘Stepbrotherdearest,’wasit?Becauseofmyglowingpersonality?”IturnedtoChelsea.“I

wasamiserablefuckbackthen.”

Iwasforawhile…untilGretamademewanttobeabetterperson.
“Howdidyouknowaboutthatnickname?”Gretaasked.
Ilaughedtomyself,rememberinghowIusedtosnoopinonherphonecallstoherfriend.
Itwasgoodtofinallyseehercrackasmileasshesaid,“Oh,right.Youusedtoeavesdropon

me.”

Chelseawaslookingbackandforthatus.“Soundslikethoseweresomefuntimes.”
Iwouldn’ttakemyeyesoffGreta.Iwantedhertoknowthatthosedaysweresomeofthebestof

mylife.

“Theywere,”Isaid.

***

TheonlygoodthingaboutfocusingonmyunresolvedfeelingsforGretawasthatittookmy

mindoffofRandy.

WhenIescapedtobealoneinthebackyardafterdinner,though,thefactthathewasgone

startedtohitme.

HeandIwouldneverhaveachancetomakeamendsnow.Itwasinterestinghowmaking

amendsneverseemedtomatterwhenhewasalive,butinhisdeath,itwashauntingme.Atthevery
least,I’dwantedtoprovehimwrong,makesomethingofmyself.Now,hewassomewhereinanother
dimensionpossiblycomingfacetofacewithPatrick.

Thinkingaboutitwithoutdistractionfortoolongfuckedwithmymind.Igrabbedacigarette

andtriedtojustmeditate.Itdidn’tworkbecausemyemotionshadonlygonefromsadtoangry.

Iheardtheglassdoorslidingopenandfootstepsbehindme.Don’taskmehowIknewitwas

her.

“Whatareyoudoingouthere,Greta?”
“Chelseaaskedmetocometalktoyou.”
Whatthefuckweretheytalkingfor?Itjustrubbedmethewrongway.Chelseacouldnotfind

outaboutwhathappenedbetweenGretaandme.Iletoutasarcasticlaugh.“Oh,really.”

“Yes.”

“Wereyoutwocomparingnotes?”
“That’snotfunny.”
Itwasn’t,butmyclassicprotectivemechanismofactinglikeabastardintimesofstresshad

comeoutinfullforce.Itwastoolate.Anddammit,Iwantedhertoacknowledgeus.

Iputmycigaretteout.“Youthinkshewouldhavesentyououtheretotalktomeifsheknewthe

lasttimebeforetodaythatyouandIweretogether,wewerefuckinglikerabbits?”

Thecolordrainedfromherface.“Didyouhavetoputitlikethat?”
“It’sthetruth,isn’tit?Shewouldfreakthefuckoutifsheknew.”
“Well,I’mnotgoingtobetheonetotellher,soyoudon’thavetoworry.Iwouldneverdo

that.”

Greta’seyestartedtotwitch,whichprovedIwashavinganeffectonher.Oldhabitsdiehard.I

wasaddictednow.

“Whyareyouwinkingatme?”
“I’mnot…myeyeistwitchingbecause—”
“Becauseyou’renervous.Iknow.YouusedtodothatwhenIfirstmetyou.Gladtoseewe’ve

comefullcircle.”

“Iguesssomethingsneverreallychange,dothey?It’sbeensevenyears,butitseemjustlike

—”

“Likeyesterday,”Iinterrupted.“Itseemslikejustyesterday,andthat’sfuckedup.Thiswhole

situationis.”

“Itwasneversupposedtohappen.”
Myeyessomehowlandedonherneck,andIcouldn’tprythemaway.Iknewshenoticedit.Ifelt

possessiveallofasudden,somethingIknewIhadnorighttofeel.Istillneededtoknowwhatthefuck
wasgoingon.

“Whereishe?”
“Who?”
“Yourfiancé.”
“I’mnotengaged.Iwas…butnotanymore.HowdidyouknowIwasengaged?”
Ihadtolookdown.Icouldn’tletherseetheeffecthearingthisnewshadonme.“What

happened?”

“It’skindofalongstory,butIwastheonewhoendedit.HemovedtoEuropeforajob.Itjust

wasn’tmeanttobe.”

“Areyouwithanyonenow?”
“No.”
Fuck.
Shecontinued,“Chelseaisreallynice.”
“She’swonderful;oneofthebestthingsthat’severhappenedtome,actually.”
Shewas.IlovedChelsea;Idid.Icouldneverhurther.IneededtoconvincebothGretaand

myselfthatChelseawasitforme.ItwasstillfuckedupthathearingGretasaytherewasnootherman
hadnowriledmeup.

GretaquicklychangedthesubjecttoRandyandmymother.
Itwasstartingtorain,soIusedthatasanexcusetotellhertogoinside.
Shewouldn’tleave.
Then,hereyesstartedtowater.
Allofasudden,myheartfeltlikeitwasbreaking.Ineededtofighttheseemotions,andthere

wasonlyonewayIeverknewhowtodothatwithGreta:bybeinganasshole.

Isnappedather.“Whatareyoudoing?”

“Chelsea’snottheonlyonewho’sworriedaboutyou.”
“She’stheonlyonethathasarighttobe.Youdon’tneedtobeworryingaboutme.I’mnoneof

yourconcern.”

Myheartwaspoundingfasterinprotestofwhathadjustcomeoutofmymouthbecausedeep

down,Iwantedhertocare.

Shewashurt.I’dhurtheragain,yetIneededtofightthesefeelings.
“Youknowwhat?IfIdidn’tfeelsosorryforwhatyou’regoingthroughrightnow,I’dtellyou

tokissmyass,”shesaid.

Herwordshadgonestraighttomydick.Ihadtheurgetograbherandkisshersenseless.Ihad

tonipthisinthebud.

“AndifIwantedtobeadick,I’dsayyouwereaskingmetokissyourassbecauseyou

rememberedhowmuchyoufuckingloveditwhenIdid.”

WhatthefuckhadIjustsaid?IneededtoleavebeforeIdidsomethingevenmorestupid,

althoughthatonewouldbehardtotop.AsIwalkedpasther,Isaid,“Takecareofyourmother
tonight.”

Ileftherstandinginthegarden.WhenIopenedthedoor,IpulledChelseaintothehardestkiss

I’devergivenherinadesperateattempttoobliterateGretafrommymind.

***

ThewakehadbeentougherthanIevenexpectedinmorewaysthanone.Irefusedtolookover

atthecoffin.Ididn’tknowanyone.Ididn’tbelongthere.

Voicesblendedtogether.Iheardnothing.Isawnothing.IwascountingtheminutesuntilI

couldbebackonthatplane.

Chelseawaskeepingmestanding.
TheonlytimeIeverfeltpainwaswhenI’dlookoveratGreta.ThesingleinstanceIleftto

escapeeverything,I’dendeduprunningintoherdownstairsinthebasementofthefuneralhome.She
triedtopretendshedidn’tseemeaftersheexitedthebathroom,butIknewitwasmyonechanceto
apologizeformyearlierbehavior.

Ihadn’texpectedhertousethatmomenttotellmeshestillhadfeelingsforme.
Ithadbrokenallmyresolve.Everythingaboutthisdayhadweakenedme.Herhairwasup,and

atonepoint,Iwrappedmyhandaroundherneck.Thetraumaofthiswholeexperiencehadtotally
cloudedmybetterjudgment.Itfeltunreal,almostlikeIwasdreaming.ButtherewasnothingIneeded
moreinthatmoment.

Chelsea’sfootstepsinterruptedmytrance.She’dcomedowntocheckonme,butshedidn’tsee

anything.IfeltashamedwhenIlookedintomygirlfriend’slovingeyes.She’dbeenworriedaboutme
andmeanwhile,Iwasinthemiddleofsomekindofwetdream.

Ihatedmyself.
Soonafterwewentbackupstairs,IinsistedweleaveearlyandhitcharidebacktoGregand

Clara’shouse.DesperatetowasheveryshredofGretaoffmyhandsandoutofmymind,Ipractically
attackedChelseawhenwegottothebedroom.

ItoldherIneededsexrightthenandthere.Shedidn’tquestionit,juststartedtoundress

herself.Thatwasthekindofgirlfriendshewas.Shelovedmeunconditionallyeveninmymanicstate.

Theproblemwas…whatmybodyreallycravedinthatmomentwasn’tintheroom.
AsImovedinandoutofChelsea,IclosedmyeyesandsawnothingbutGreta:Greta’sface,

Greta’sneck,Greta’sass.

ThiswasthelowestthingI’deverdone.Guiltconsumedme,andIstoppedabruptly.Without

explanation,Irantothebathroomandturnedontheshower.Theneedforreleasewasenormous.I
startedtojerkofftoavisualofGretaonherkneeslookingupatmeasIdressedherneckwithmy
cum.Ittookmeallofaminute.

Iwassick.
AfterI’dcomedownfrommyorgasm,IfeltevenworsethanIhadbefore.
Thatnight,mythoughtsseemedtobetakingturnsobsessingoverGretaandRandy.Ididn’t

sleepawink.Randywonmostofthenightasflashbacksofhimtormentedme.

ChelseawouldbeleavingearlytoflyouttoCaliforniainthemorningforhersister’swedding.

Icouldn’tfathomhowIwasgoingtopossiblyhandletheburialtomorrowwithoutChelseathereto
leanon…ortokeepmeawayfromGreta.

***

Scramblethelettersofthewordfuneral;youget“realfun.”Ofcourse,itwasanythingbut

that.

Justdon’tlookup.ThatwaswhatItoldmyself.Don’tlookupatthecoffinonthealtar.Don’t

lookupatGreta’sback.Justkeeplookingatthewatch,andeveryminutewillbeonestepclosertothis
beingover.

ThatruleofthumbworkedformeuntilwegottotheburialgroundsatwhichpointIhadthe

freakoutofmylifeandendedupinGreta’sHondaontheroadtonowhere.

Ineededasmoke,butthecravingwasn’tbadenoughtowarrantstoppingthecarlongenough

tobuycigarettes.

Everythingwasablur:thefuneral,mypanicattackandnow,eventhetreesthatlinedthe

interstatewhileGretadrovesofastthattheyblendedtogetherintooneblurrygreenline.

Everythingwasjustafuckingblur.
Ikeptlookingoutthewindowforwhatseemedlikehoursuntilshespokeupforthefirsttime.
“Justaboutanothertwentyminutes,andthenwe’regonnastopsomewhere,okay?”
Ilookedoverather.Shewassoftlyhumming.
SweetGreta.
Fuck.
Mychestconstricted.I’dbeensuchanassholetoherupuntiltoday,andnow,I’dbasically

hijackedher.She’dsavedmefrommyselfthisafternoon,andI’ddonenothingtodeservehertaking
thetimeouttodrivemearoundlikethis.Ididn’thavetheenergytotellherhowmuchitmeanttome,
soIjustsaid,“Thankyou.”

Oneofherlongblondehairshadstrayed,landingonmyblackpants.Itwirleditaroundinmy

handsandeventuallyrelaxedenoughtofallasleep.ItwasthefirsttimeI’dsleptindays.

Iwokeupdelirious.WhenIrealizedwhereshe’dtakenme,Ifellintoafitoflaughter.
Acasino.
Itwasbrilliant.
Whenweenteredthebuilding,Gretastartedcoughingincessantlyandcomplainedaboutthe

smoke.Itwasodd,butmyowndesireforacigarettehadgoneaway.Theadrenalineofbeinginthat
environmenthadshiftedmyfocusoffmyproblems.Iwaspumped.

“Trytohavefun,sis.”Ijokinglyshookhershouldersandimmediatelyregrettedputtingmy

handsonheratallbecauseapparently,mybodycouldn’tbetrustedtonotreactlikeananimal.

“Pleasedon’tcallmethat.”
“WhatwouldyoupreferIcallyouhere?Nooneknowsus.Wecanmakeupnames.We’reboth

dressedinallblack.Welooklikemafiahighrollers.”

“Anythingbutsis.”
“Whatdoyouliketoplay?”
“Iwanttohitoneofthetables.Whataboutyou?”
“Ijustdothepennyslots.”
Thepennyslots.God,shewascute.
“Thepennyslots?You’regoingwildtoday,huh?”
“Don’tlaugh.”
“Youdon’tgotoacasinolikethistoplaytheslots,especiallythepennyones.”
“Idon’tknowhowtoplayanyofthetables.”
“Icanshowyou,butfirstweneeddrinks.”Iwinkedather.“Alwaysliquorbeforeyoupoker.”
Herfaceturnedpink.I’dalmostforgottenhowaddictingmakingherblushwas.
Sherolledhereyes.“God,somethingsneverchange.Atleastyou’rebacktomakingdirty

jokes.ThatmeansIdidsomethingrighttoday.”

“Seriously,thisidea…”Ilookedatthechaosallaroundusthenbackather.“Cominghere…it

wasperfect.”

WhatIwishedIcouldtellherwasthatunexpectedlygettingtospendtimewithheragainwas

thebestpart.

Weboughtsomechips,andI’dgonetogetussomedrinks.IhadbeenfeelingreallygooduntilI

mademywaybacktowhereGretawaswaiting.Afatguyinacowboyhatsmackedherontheassas
shestoodnexttohimatthecrapstable.

Withoutfurtherthought,mybodywentintofightmode.
“TellmeIdidnotjustseethatfuckingslobsmackyouontheass.”Igaveherthedrinks.“Hold

these.”

Iputhiminachokehold.Bothhandswereneededtofitaroundhisfatneck.“Whothefuckdo

youthinkyouareputtingyourhandsonherlikethat?”

Hehelduphishands.“Ididn’tknowshewaswithsomeone.Shewashelpingmeout.”
“Itlookedlikeyouwerehelpingyourself.”I’daccidentallyspitonhimwhenthewordscame

outofmymouththendraggedhimbytheneckovertoGreta.“Apologizetoherrightnow.”

“Lookman—”
“Apologize.”IyelledasIsqueezedhisneckevenharder.
“I’msorry.”
Myearswerethrobbing.Istillwantedtokillhim.
Gretawaspleading.“Comeon,Elec.Pleaselet’sjustgo.”
Herscaredfacemademerealizethatbeatingthisguydownwasn’tworthputtingherthrough

this.Itookmydrinkfromherandstartedtowalkaway.

Then,Iheardhimfrombehindme,“You’reluckyyoucamewhenyoudid.Iwasjustaboutto

askhertoblowonmydice.”

Iflippedthefuckout,chargingtowardhimandnearlyhurtGretawhotriedtouseherlittle

bodytoblockmyaim.Sheonlyendedupgettingdrenchedbythedrinksthatspilledalloverher.

“Elec,no!Wecan’tgetkickedoutofhere.Please.I’mbeggingyou.”
IrealizedinthatmomentifIeventouchedhim,Iwasgoingtoeitherkillhimorseriouslyhurt

him.Ineededtowalkaway.

“Youcanthankherthatyoustillhaveaface.”Iwasstillstewingaswewalkedoutoftheroom.

TheonlyothertimeI’dputmyhandsonsomeonelikethathadalsobeeninGreta’sdefense.WasI
protectinghernowasabrotheroranex-lover?Thatwasthequestion.

Herhairwaswildlydisheveled,andherdresswassoaked.“Shit,Greta.You’reamess.”
Inreality,she’dneverlookedmorebeautiful.

Shelaughed.“Ahotmess.”
“Let’sgo.I’mbuyingyouanewoutfit.”
“It’sfine.I’mjustalittlewet.”
Alittlewet.Fuck.Getyourmindoutofthegutter,Elec.
“No,it’snotfine.Thatwasmyfault.”
“It’lldry.Tellyouwhat,ifyouwinsomethingtonight,youcanspenditallonanewoutfitfor

meatoneoftheseexpensiveshops.That’stheonlywayI’mlettingyouspendanymoneyonme.”

Ifeltlikeadouche,andIknewIwasn’tleavingtonightuntilIboughtherthenicestdressin

thisjointtomakeupforwhatIdid.

AfterI’dgonetogetdrinks,ItoldheritwasbetterifweseparatedwhileIplayedpoker.There

wereatonofguyswholookedliketheywereontheprowlinthepokerroom,andIdidn’twanttohave
tofuckanyoneuptonight.Gretadidn’trealizehowattractiveshewas.

Itamazedmethatsheevenlistenedandagreedtogoplaytheslotsforawhile.
WhenIsatdownatthetable,myphonevibrated.

Whydoesitmattertoyouanymoreifotherguyshitonme?You’renotsupposedtocare.

Shit.Itshouldn’thavebeenasurprisethatshecalledmeoutonmybehavior.
Shewasright.
Iwasbeingselfish.Iwasn’treallyafraidofsomeguyhittingonher.Whatscaredmewasthe

possibilitythatI’dhavetowatchwhileshereturnedtheinterestorentertainedit.Shewassingle,and
Iwasn’t.Whatwastostopher?Iwasjustasjealousasever,andIhadnorighttobe.Itwas
unreasonableandwrong.So,Ididn’trespondtothetextbecausetherewasnogoodanswer.

Icouldn’tconcentrateonthegameandkeptlosing.Mymindwastoofocusedonthetextand

moresoonmyunacceptablebehavior.ItookoutmyphoneandswipedthroughpicturesofChelseain
anattempttoremindmyselfwhomIbelongedto.Iscannedthroughthephotos:ourdrivetoSanDiego,
sheandmymothercookingEcuadorianfood,sheandIkissing,ourcatDublin…theringshehadn’t
seenyet.Itriedtoturnmyattentionbacktothegame,butGreta’squestionkepteatingawayatme.So,
Itextedheranon-answerthathappenedtobethetruth.

IknowI’mnotsupposedtocare.Butwhenitcomestoyou,whatI’msupposedtobefeeling

hasneverseemedtomatter.

Abouttwentyminuteslater,Iwasdown200buckswhenshemetupwithmeandwaveda

thousanddollarscashinmyface.Icouldn’tbelieveshe’dwonallofthatmoneyonthepennyslots.

“Shit,Greta!Congratulations!”
WhenIgaveheracongratulatoryhug,Icouldfeelhowfastherheartwasbeating.Itold

myselfitwasbecauseofherwinandnotthesamereasonmyheartwasexploding.

Wedecidedtolookforaplacefordinnerandoptedforthesteakhouse.Allthroughoutour

meal,IwasobsessingoverastrangetextI’dreceivedalittlewhileearlierfromanunknownnumber.It
wasthenumber22andhadcomeinatexactly2:22.February22wasRandy’sbirthday.Iwas
convincedthemessagewasfromhim,thatitwashiswayoffuckingwithmefrombeyond.So,Iwas
barelytouchingmyfood.

Greta,ontheotherhand,hadnoproblemfinishingoffmysteakandhers.She’ddrownedthe

meatinA1steaksauce.

Ibustedherballs.“Howaboutsomesteakwithyoursauce?”
“Iloveit.Itremindsmeofmydad.Heusedtoputitoneverything.”

Watchinghereathadmademesmile.Shecouldn’thaveknownhowmuchherbeingtherefor

methatnightmeant.I’donlyfreakedoutinagazilliondifferentwaysyetshewasstillhere…withA1
saucealloverherface.

Shenoticedmegrinningather.“What?”shesaidwithhermouthfull.
Itookmynapkinandreachedacrosstowipethesideofhermouth.“Nothing,sloppy.”
Itsuddenlyhitme:tomorrowcouldbethelasttimeIeverseeGreta.
Myentirebodytensedup.Thisdayhadputmethroughthewringerofeveryfeelingimaginable.

Somethingelsealsohitme:theanswertothequestionshetextedmeearlier,thereasonwhyit
botheredmeifotherguyscameontoher.IwaseventuallyabletoletGretagoonlybecauseIthought
shewashappyandthatshewaswithsomeonewholovedher.EverythingIbelievedtogetmeoverher
wasalie.RealizingthathadnowputmyfeelingsbackatsquareoneeventhoughIwouldn’tbeableto
actonthem.

***

Ilaymyheadbackonthecouchandletoutadeepsigh.Thisglimpseinsideofhisheadwas

killingme.Ineededtotakeanotherbreakfromthebookbecauseanincredibleamountofanxietywas
buildingaboutwherethisstorywasgoing.

Iwasrunninglateformyfriend’s30thbirthdaypartyatClubUndergroundontopofthat.I

couldn’texactlyskipoutbecauseI’dbeenoneoftheorganizersalongwithacoupleofmyco-
workers.

IdecidedIwouldtakeashower,getdressedthentakemykindlewithmetosneakinreading

wheneverIcouldtonightwhileIwasout.MydeviceshowedthatIonlyhad15-percentleftinthe
book.IassumedI’dbefinetofinishitinpublic.

Youknowwhattheysayaboutassumingthings.

CHAPTER20

ThenightwasunexpectedlychillyasIstoodonthecornerandtriedtohailacab.Thethinred

dressIwaswearingwasdefinitelyfittingforClubUnderground,butIprobablyshouldhavetakena
jacket.

Sullytextedme.

Havefuntonight!

I’dtriedtoconvincehertocomeoutwithme,butshesaidshehadadatewithanelectricrazor

forhermonthly“ladyparts”groomingnight.TMIforsure,especiallywheninreality,theyweren’t
ladypartsatall.

We’drentedasmallprivateroomwithabarfortheparty.Thiswouldhaveseemedlikean

epicnightwereInotsopreoccupiedwithfinishingthebook.

Ifinallycaughtacab.

“West16thStreet.”
Islammedthedoorandimmediatelywastednotimegettingmykindleout.

***

Afterweleftthesteakhouse,myfunkwasbackinfullforce.Gretahadgonetogetussome

drinkswhileIwenttobuymorechips.

Isatdownatatabletowaitforherwhenoutofnowheretearsjuststartedstreamingdownmy

face.Itmadenosensebecausetherehadn’tevenbeenaprecedingthought.Itseemedtojustbethe
releaseofeverythingthathadbeenbottledup.ThiswasthelastplaceIwantedtobreakdown.Once
thetearsstarted,theywouldn’tstop.

Inaself-punishingway,Iaddedfueltothefireandstartedtofocusonthingsthatmadeit

worse.IsometimesblamedmyselfforcomingintotheworldandmakingRandy’slifemiserable.I
wonderedifheandMami’smarriagewouldhavelastedwereitnotforme.Deepdown,therewas
alwaysanunderlyinghopethatthingswouldturnaround,thatheandIcouldlookeachotherinthe
eyessomedayandseesomethingotherthanhate—thathewouldtellmehereallylovedmeeven
thoughhedidn’tknowhowtoshowit.

Thatwouldneverhappennow.
IlookeduptofindGretastandingtherewatchingmeassheheldadrinkineachhand.
Ilickedahotteardropoffmylips.“Don’tlookatme,Greta.”
Sheputthedrinksdownandimmediatelypulledmeintoher.
InGreta’sarms,thetearsweremultiplying.Myhandsdugintoherbackinasilentpleaforher

nottoletgoyet.Ieventuallycalmeddown.

“Ihatethis.Ishouldn’tbecryingforhim.WhyamIcryingforhim?”
“Becauseyoulovedhim.”
“Hehatedme.”
“Hehatedwhateverhesawinyouthatremindedhimofhimself.Hedidn’thateyou.He

couldn’thave.Hejustdidn’tknowhowtobeafather.”

Itsurprisedmehowclosetobeingrightshewasdespitehernotknowingmysecret.Randy

hatedwhathesawinmethatremindedhimofPatrick.

“There’salotIhaven’ttoldyou.Thescrewedupthingis,afteralltheshitwewentthrough,I

stillwantedtomakehimproudofmesomeday,wantedhimtoloveme.”

IletoutadeepbreathbecauseI’dneveradmittedthattoanyone.
“Iknowyoudid,”shesaidsoftly.
LookingintohereyesremindedmethatIwasstaringintothesoulofthefirstpersonwho’d

everactuallysucceededatmakingmefeelloved.Forthat,Iwouldbeeternallygratefultoher.

“WherewouldIbetonightwithoutyou?”
“I’mgladIgottobetheonewithyoutonight.”
“I’venevercriedinfrontofanyonebefore.Notonce.”
“There’safirsttimeforeverything.”
“There’sabadjokeintheresomewhere.Youknowthat,right?”
Welaughed.Ilovedherlaugh.
“Youmakemefeelthings,Greta.Youalwayshave.WhenI’maroundyou,whetherit’sgoodor

bad…Ifeeleverything.Sometimes,Idon’thandleittoowell,andIfightitbyactinglikeanasshole.I
don’tknowwhatitisaboutyou,butIfeellikeyouseetherealme.ThesecondIsawyouagainforthe
firsttimeatGreg’swhenyouwerestandinginthatgarden…itwaslikeIcouldn’thidebehindmyself
anymore.”Itouchedherface.“IknowitwashardforyoutoseemewithChelsea.Iknowyoustillcare
aboutme.Icanfeelitevenwhenyou’repretendingyou’vestopped.”

ItwasthemosthonestthingI’dsaidtoherallnight.Gretaalwaysworeherheartonher

sleeve,andeventhoughshewastryingnottomakeitobvious,herdiscomfortaroundChelseahad
beenevident.(Although,Chelseaseemedtobeoblivioustoit.)Icouldn’thaveimaginedhowIwould
havehandleditifthesituationwerereversed.

Mytearshadfinallydried.Aswecontinuedtositinthewakeofthatembrace,herlipswere

beggingmetokissthem.Iwishedtherewereamagiceraserthatwouldhaveallowedmetoexperience
itjustonceanddeletetheconsequencesimmediatelyafter.Ofcourse,thatwouldneverbepossible.I
didn’tthinktherewasanyoneworthyofthoselipsanyway,leastofallme.So,Ijuststaredather
mouth,wantingtokissherbutknowingIwouldn’t.

Maybeshereadmymind,andIscaredheroff,becauseshegotuplikeabatoutofhell.
ThenextthingIknew,she’drunofftotheroulettetable,slappedsomeofhermoneydownon

thenumber22,andtherestwashistory.Thisgirlhadamajorhorseshoeupherass.

***

Nineteen-thousanddollars.Ididn’tknowwhatshockedmemore:thatshewonforasecond

timetonightorthatshe’dmanagedtoturnmyeveningaroundwiththatawesomeplayon22.The
mysterioustextwasn’tpreoccupyingmeanymore.Instead,Iwasonceagainstokedtobehereand
vowedthatfortherestofthenightinthesefinalhourstogether,we’dhavethetimeofourlives.

Shemademetakeathousanddollarscash.Ihadnointentionofspendingit.I’dbeenusingmy

moneytheentiretime.Ididn’tcareifIspenteveryredcentIownedonher,Icouldn’thaveeverrepaid
herforbeingthereformethatnight.I’ddonenothingtodeserveit.

Weendedupatoneofthecasinoclothingstores,andthatwaswherethemoodfortheevening

shiftedtoaplacewecouldn’tquitecomeoutfromunderfortheremainderofthetrip.

I’dpickedoutadressthatIthoughtwouldlookperfectonher,andshe’dgoneintothedressing

roomtotryiton.Iplayedwithmyphonetodistractfromthethoughtofherundressingjustfeetaway
fromme.

Shewastakingareallylongtime,soIasked,“Youalrightinthere?”

Shesaidherzipperwasstuck,sowithoutthinking,Imovedthecurtaintothesideandstepped

intothedressingroom.“Comehere.”

ThesecondIgotonelookathergorgeousbackinthatdress,Iimmediatelyrealizedthat

puttingmyselfinthispositionwasabigmistake.Myfingerstingledastheygrippedherhairgently,
movingitoverhersilkyskintothefrontofhershoulders.

AsIpulledatthematerial,herbreathingbecamemorerapid.Knowingthatmytouchingher

wasthereasonforitmademebreathefaster,too.Iwaslosingcontrol.Salaciousthoughtsinvadedmy
brain.Oneinparticularhadmebreakingthedressapartinoneviolentripandtakingherfrombehind
whileIwatchedherfaceinthemirror.

They’rejustthoughts,Itoldmyself.Focusonthetaskathand.
“Youweren’tkidding,”IsaidasItriedmybesttofixitsoIcouldgetthehelloutofthere.

Finally,itbudged.“Gotit.”

“Thankyou.”
Ididn’thavetoloweritafewinchesbutcouldn’tresistaglimpseofthemilkyskinofherback.

“Allset.”

Itremindedmeofeveryotherpartofherbodythatshe’doncegiventomefullyandcompletely

foronenight.Itmayhaveonlybeenonce,butinmygut,Iknewapartofherstillbelongedtome.Her
bodylanguageproveditandmademewonderifIwasthefirstandlastpersonwho’devertruly
pleasuredher.

Myhandswouldn’tleavehershoulders.Shewaslookingdown,andIknewshewasbattlingher

feelings,too.ThiswasthefirsttimesinceourreconnectionthatItrulyrealizedhowmuchGretastill
wantedmesexually.Ourdesireforeachotherwassopowerfulintheconfinesofthistinyspacethat
youcouldtasteitintheair.

Ikeptlookingatherinthemirroruntilshelookedupandmetmygaze.Whensheturned

aroundsuddenly,Iwasn’tprepared.Ourfaceswerejustinchesapart,andI’dneverwantedtokissher
morethanthatmoment.Myeyesdroppedtohermouth,andIcountedinmyheadtokeepmyselfin
control.Thecountingwasn’tworkingsoIclosedmyeyes.

WhenIopenedthem,Inolongerhadtheurgetojustkissher.Itwasfarworse.ThankGodshe

couldn’treadmymindbecausetheimageoffuckingthatbeautifulmouthwassoclearinmyheadthat
Ifeltmyselfgettinghardandprayedshedidn’tlookdown.

Ineededtoleavebutcouldn’tmove.
Chelsea.
Chelsea.
Chelsea.
YouloveChelsea.
Havingthesefeelingsisokayaslongasyoudon’tactonthem,Itoldmyself.Thisisnatural.

Youcan’tpreventwhatyourbodywants,onlywhetheryoufollowthroughwithit.AndIdeservedabig
shinytrophyforresistance.Insteadofthe“mirrorball,”we’dcallitthe“blueball.”

Thestoreattendantcameby.“Iseverythingokayinthere?”
“Yes!”Gretashouted.
ButIknewinhervoiceitwasn’t.Thiswasmessingwithhermind,andI’dbefuckingdamnedif

thenightendedinhergettinghurt.

Eventhoughwehadn’tacknowledgedwhatwashappeningbetweenusverbally,Iinstinctively

said,“I’msorry.”Then,Islidthecurtainandleft.

***

Wedecidedtospendthenightatthehotelsincewe’dbeendrinking.Afterwe’dbothseparated

toshowerbeforeheadingtothecasinonightclub,ImetGretabackatherroom.Whensheopenedthe
door,thesightofherinthatfittedburgundydressknockedthewindoutofmeagain.Herhairwasstill
soppingwet,butshelookedamazing.

“Wow,”Ibreathedout,notintendingtohavesaiditoutloud.Thewordhadleftmylipsbefore

mybraincouldwarnmenottoseemsoobvious.Ineededtomakeajoketooffsetmyslip.“You
definitelycan’tpassforanoldladyinmourninganymore.”

“WhatdoIlooklikenow?”
“Youlookflushed,actually.Areyoufeelingalright?”
Inallhonesty,shelookedlikeshe’djustbeenproperlyfucked,anditmademydickache.
“I’mfine,”shesaid.
“Yousure?”
“Yep.”
“Itfeltsogoodtotakeashower,”Isaid.
AndbythatImeantthetwoorgasmsIgavemyselfthinkingaboutanalternateendingtoour

dressingroomencounter.

“Iknowwhatyoumean,”shesaid.
“Doyouneedtodryyourhair?”
“Yeah.Justgivemeaminute.”
IturnedonESPNandlaydownonthebed.
Abouttenminuteslater,shecameoutofthebathroom.
“I’mready.”
Herhairwasup,herneckwasexposedinallofitsglory,andIknewIwasintroubleforthe

restofthenight.

Ijumpedupandturnedthetelevisionoff.
Wewalkeddownthehall,andthesmellofthesoaponherskinwasinvadingmysenses.I

glancedoveratherandwantedhertoknowhowbeautifulshelookedwhenIsaid,“Youcleanup
nice.”Whenweenteredtheelevator,Iadded,“Ilikeyourhairuplikethat.”

“Youdo?”
“Yeah.It’showyouwerewearingitthenightwhenIfirstmetyou.”
“I’msurprisedyourememberedthat.”
Ihadn’tforgottenonething.
Not.One.Thing.
We’dstartedreminiscingabouthowIusedtotortureherandatonepoint,shesaid,“Well,you

weren’texactlyasmeanasyouwantedmetobelieveyouwere.”

Ireturnedthatwith,“Anditturnedoutyouweren’tthatinnocent.”
ThetoneinmyvoicemadenosecretofwhatIwasreferringto.Welookedateachotherwitha

silentunderstandingthattheconversationneededtoendthere.

IfIthoughtthenightwasgoingtogetanyeasieronceweenteredthedistractionofa

nightclub,Ihadanotherthingcoming.

***

We’dbeendancingalot.ItwasthemostfunI’dhadallnight.Thebasswasblaring,andI

couldfeelitpumpingthroughme.Dancingbodiestangledtogetheraroundus,butGretaandIkepta
spacebetweeneachother.

Itwasnecessary.

Atonepoint,IwenttothebathroomandasImademywaybackthroughthemulti-colored

flashinglights,Ispottedaguydancingverycloselyaroundherandtalkinginherear.

WhenIreturnedtothespotwhereshewasdancingalongsidehim,myconsciencegavewaytoa

primalandimpulsivereaction.Iwrappedmyarmaroundhertinywaistandpulledherfirmlybackinto
me.Shedidn’tresist.Myarmwasstilldominantlylockedaroundherwhensheturnedtolookatme.I
gaveherawarninglook.Inthatmoment,weweretheElecandGretaofsevenyearsago.Iwas
jealous,andIwasonceagainmakingitobvious.Giventhenotsominordetailofmybeinginaserious
relationship,itwasunfairtoexpecthertoacceptthingsthatIcouldn’t,butshecaredaboutmeenough
toletmegetawaywiththissomehow.

Wedidn’tspeakaboutit,andeventually,mycavemanmomentpassed.Iletgoofher,andwe

werebacktogettinglostinthemusic.

Everythingchanged,though,whenaslowsonghadcomeon.Peoplestartedscramblingtofind

partnerswhileothersleftthedancefloor.Somehow,itfeltlikeweweretheonlyonesleft.

Gretapanickedandstartedtowalkaway.
Icouldn’tblameher,butwhatiftonightwasitforus?Iwantedthisdance.
Igrabbedherhand.“Dancewithme.”
Shelookedscaredbutletmereelherintomeanyway.Adeepbreathescapedmewhenher

entirebodymeltedintomyarms.Sheclosedhereyesassheplantedherheadonmychest.Myheart
washammeringagainstitasiftotellmethatIwasanidiotfornotrealizingthatthiswasprecisely
whatitwanted.

Forthefirsttimesincewearrivedatthecasino,thoughtsofChelseawerecompletelyburiedby

theintensityofmyfeelingsforGreta.Needingtoknowifshefeltit,Ilookeddownandatthatsame
exactmoment,shelookedupatme.Iwaslosingmyabilitytobreathe.Itouchedmyforeheadtohers
andjustknew.ThatwasthemomentIstoppedlyingtomyself.Iwasstillinlovewithher.Ididn’tknow
whattodoaboutitbecauseIlovedChelsea,too.

BeforeIcouldthinkitthrough,Gretapulledawayandstartedrunningoffthroughthedarkness

ofthecrowd.

“Greta,wait!”
Withinseconds,I’dlosther.Imademywaytotheexitandrantowardtheelevators.Thedoors

wereclosing,andIstuckmyarmthroughtheopeningtostopthem.

Shewascrying.God,whathadIdonetoher?
“Whatthefuck,Greta?Whydidyourunfrommelikethat?”
“Ijustneedtogobacktomyroom.”
“Notlikethis.”
Withoutthinking,Ipressedthestopbutton.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Thisisn’thowIwantedournighttoend.Icrossedaline.Iknowthat.Igotlostinthemoment

withyou,andI’msofuckingsorry.Butitwasn’tgoingtogoanyfurtherbecauseIwon’tcheaton
Chelsea.Icouldn’tdothattoher.”

“I’mnotasstrongasyouare,then.Youcan’tdancewithmelikethat,lookatmelikethat,

touchmelikethatifwecan’tdoanythingaboutit.Andfortherecord,Iwouldn’twantyoutocheaton
her!”

“Whatdoyouwant?”
“Idon’twantyoutosayonethingandactinawaythatcontradictsit.Wedon’thavemuchtime

lefttogether.Iwantyoutotalktome.Thatnightatthewake…youwrappedyourhandaroundmyneck.
Itfeltlikeforamomentyouwerebackinthatplacewhereweleftoff.That’ssortofhowIfeelaround
youallofthetime.Then,laterthatnight,Chelseatoldmewhathappenedafteryougothome.”

Whatwasshetalkingabout?
“Exactlywhatdidshetellyou?”
“Wereyouthinkingaboutme?Isthatwhyyoucouldn’tperformthatnight?”
Thefuck?
Ihadnowords.ThefactthatChelseatoldGretaaboutthatprivatemomentactuallypissedme

off.Iwasspeechless.

“Iwantyoutotellmethetruth,”shesaid.
Shecouldn’thandlethetruth,andIcouldn’thandlethesefeelingsforher.ButIwaspissedthat

they’dbeentalkinglikethatbehindmyback.Ontopofthat,mywholelifefeltlikeithadbeenturned
insideoutinonenight.

So,Ilostit.
“Youwantthetruth?Iwasfuckingmygirlfriendandcouldseenothingbutyou.That’sthe

truth.”Imovedtowardherpredatorily,andshebackedaway.“Igotintotheshowerthatnight,andthe
onlywayIcouldfinishthejobwastoimaginecomingalloveryourbeautifulneck.That’sthetruth.”

Itshouldhavestoppedthere.
Instead,Ilockedmyarmsaroundherassheleanedherbackagainstthewall.Ikeptgoing.

“Youwantmore?Iwasgoingtoaskhertomarrymetonightathersister’swedding.Iwassupposedto
beengagedrightatthisverymoment,butinstead,I’minanelevatorfightingtheurgetobackyouup
againstthiswallandfuckyousohardthatI’llhavetocarryyoubacktoyourroom.”

Mychesthurt.Idroppedmyarms.“EverythingIthoughtIknewhasbeenturnedupsidedown

inthepast48hours.I’mquestioningeverything,andIdon’tfuckingknowwhattodo.That’s.The.
Truth.”

Ireleasedthestopbuttonbecauseanymoretimeinherewouldhavebeendetrimental,

althoughbeingbrutallyhonestforoncefeltlikeahugeweighthadliftedoffofmychest.

Whenwegottoourfloor,webothwentbacktoourseparaterooms.
Aloneinbed,guiltstartedtoreallysetinandpreventedmefromsleeping.
IwastorturingmyselfbygoingthroughmypicturesofChelseaagain.
Shedidn’tdeservethis.
I’dtossedandturned,alternatingbetweenthoughtsofRandy,guiltoverChelseaandmy

personalfavorite:carnalthoughtsofGreta.IfIdidn’tcareabouthurtingChelsea,Iwouldhavegone
toGreta’sroomthatnight.Iknewwithallofourpent-upfrustration,itwouldhavebeenthebestsexof
mylife.ButIwasn’tacheater,andIwouldn’tgothere.So,Iletmyimaginationexperienceit.

Atonepoint,thesexualfantasieshadgottensovivid,Itriedtoundomysinswithatextto

Chelseaat2A.M.

Iloveyou.

Immediatelyafter,IsentatexttoGreta.

IfIknockonyourdoortonight,don’tletmein.

***

Thecabwasapproachingmydestination,soIthoughtthatwasasgoodapointasanytostop

thestorysinceIwasgoingtohavetogreetmyfriendssoon.Itwaspainfultoputitdown.

Ipaidthedriverandstuckmykindleinmypurse.AsImademywayinsideClub

Underground,thecontrastofthedarknessandbrightlightscausedafeelingofunreality.Myheadhad

beenstuckinElec’sstoryallday,anditalmostfeltstrangeventuringintotherealworld.Itstartedto
makemefeelalittlepanickywithabitofvertigo,whichIgotfromtimetotime.

MynervousstateimprovedassoonasIsawtwoofmycoworkers,BobbieandJennifer,who

greetedmeasIenteredtheprivateroom.Asmallbarwaslitupinpurplelighting,andIimmediately
bookeditoverthereforavodkasoda.

Itookasip.“Istheguestofhonorhereyet?”
“NosignofHettyyet,”Jennifersaid.
SinceHettywasn’tevenhereyet,IexcusedmyselftogotothebathroomwhereIpromptly

pickedmykindleupagain.Don’tjudge.

***

IstillconsideritamiraclethatImadeitthroughthatnightwithoutfuckingup.Gretaendedup

textingmethatshewashavinginsomnia.Iimmediatelycalledher,andwetalkeduntilshefellasleep
sometimeafter4A.M.Istayedonthephonelisteningtothesoundofherbreathing.

Theridehomethenextmorningwasdownrightpainful.Achainsawwouldn’thavebeenenough

tocutthetensionintheair.

Gretawasgoingtobedrivingmetotheairport.Weendedupstoppingathermother’shouse

first.BeingbackintheplacewhereeverythingstartedwasharderthanIthoughtitwouldbe.

Gretahadservedmesomeofherhomemadeicecream.Itwasnostalgicsharingitwithherout

ofthesamebowl.Forsomereason,outofeverythingwe’dexperiencedduringourlittleadventure,
thatmomenthadmeantthemosttomeandfeltlikegoodbyeallatonce.

***

IhadtoputmykindledownwhenHettywalkedintothebathroom.ShemusthavethoughtI

waspathetic.

“Thereyouare.We’veallbeenlookingforyou!”
“Oh,Ilosttrackoftime.Youhadn’tarrivedyet,soIcameinheretochillforabitbeforethe

partystarted.”Ihuggedher.“Happybirthday,sweetie.”

“Thanks.Youwerereading?”
“Yeah.”Ilaughedandwavedmyhanddismissively.“Youknowhowitiswhenyoustarta

bookyoucan’tputdown.”

“Isitsmut?”
Ihadtothinkaboutit.“Notreally.”
“Right.Okay,well,comeon!Almosteveryone’sherenow.”
Ifollowedherbackoutintotheclubandimmediatelyrantothebarforanothervodkasoda.

Vowingtonotpickupthebookforatleastanhour,Iworkedtheroomandfoundmyselflookingat
people’sfacesbutnotreallyhearingwhattheyweresaying.Theirmouthsweremoving,butmybrain
wasn’tprocessingit;mymindwasstillwithElec.

Assoonasmyself-imposedhourwasup,Isnuckbackintothebathroom.Myfriendswere

probablygoingtothinkIwasdoinglinesofcoke,butIneededtofinishthebooksinceIonlyhada
smallpercentageleft.Thatway,Icouldgetthroughtheremainderofthenightwithnopreoccupation.

Itookadeepbreath.

***

Gretawouldn’tmakeeyecontactontheridetotheairport.Allofthespecialmomentswe’d

shared,andshecouldn’tevenstandtolookatmyfacenow.Thatwaswhatitallcamedownto,andI
couldn’tsayIblamedher.

Iwasbreakingapartattheseamsanddidn’tknowwhattosaytoher.We’dpracticallybeento

HeavenandHellandbacktogetheroverthepasttwenty-fourhoursandnow,Iwassimplyleaving
her…again.

Whenweexitedthecaratthecurb,thewindwaswild.Itwasalmostlikeasceneoutofa

movie.Thiswouldhavebeenthesadpartwhereyou’dcuethedramaticmusic.

ThethunderoussoundoftheplanestakingoffmadeitevenmoredifficulttoarticulatewhatI

wantedtosay.Whatdoyousaytosomeoneyou’reabandoningforthesecondtime?

Sheheldontoherselfandwaslookingeverywherebutatmyface.
Finally,Isaid,“Lookatme.”
Gretashookherheadrepeatedly,andatearfelldownhercheek.
Itwasofficialnow.IwasthescumoftheEarth.
MyowneyesstartedwateringbecauseIcouldn’ttakeawaythepainshewasfeeling,becauseI

couldn’tdotheonethingthatwouldhaveachievedthat:staying.

Shewaswavingmeoff.“It’sokay.Go.Please.Textmeifyouwant.It’sjust…Ican’tdoalong

goodbye…notwithyou.”

Shewasright.Thiswasn’tgoingtoendwell,sowhyprolongit?
“Okay.”
Shestartledmewhensheleanedinandgavemeaquickkissonthecheek.Sherushedbackto

thecarandslammedthedoorbeforeIcouldevenprocessit.

TheremnantsofhersalivawerestingingmycheekasIwalkedintotheairportinadaze.
Iwantedtolookatheronelasttime,soIturnedaround.Bigmistake.Throughtheglass,Isaw

thatherheadwasonthesteeringwheel.Iimmediatelyranbackoutsidetothecarandknockedonthe
window.Sherefusedtolookupandstartedtheengine,soIknockedharder.Shefinallyturnedtome
andgotout,wipinghertears.“Didyouforgetsomething?”

BeforeIknewit,mymouthwasonhers.Myheartwasdoingthethinkingatthispoint.I

wouldn’topenmylipsbecauseI’dconvincedmyselfthatthiswasinnocentsolongasIcouldn’ttaste
her.Itwasafirm,desperatekiss,andIdidn’tevenknowwhatitmeant.

Ifeltemptyandconfused.
Sheendedit.“Getoutofhere.You’regonnamissyourflight.”
Myhandswerestillonhercheeks.“Inevergotoverhurtingyouthefirsttime,buthurtingyou

twice…believemewhenIsaythiswasthelastthingIeverwantedtoseehappeninmylifetime.”

“Whydidyoucomebackjustnow?”
“Iturnedaroundandsawyoucrying.Whatkindofaheartlessassholewouldleaveyoulike

that?”

“Well,youweren’tsupposedtoseethat.Youreallyshouldhavekeptwalkingbecausenow

you’remakingitworse.”

“Ididn’twantthattobemylastvisual.”
“Ifyoureallyloveher,youshouldn’thavekissedme,”sheyelled.
“Idoloveher.”Itcameoutreallydefensively.IlookedupattheskybecauseIneededtothink

forasecond.

HowwouldIexplaintherealizationIhadonthedancefloorlastnight?
“Youwanttoknowthetruth?Ifuckingloveyou,too.Idon’tthinkIrealizedhowmuchuntilI

sawyouagain.”

“Youloveusboth?That’smessedup,Elec.”

“You’vealwaystoldmeyouwantedhonesty.Ijustgaveittoyou.I’msorryifthetruthisa

fuckedupmess.”

“Well,shehasthehomecourtadvantage.You’llforgetaboutmeagainsoonenough.Thatwill

simplifythings.”

Shewasgettingbackinthecar.
“Greta…don’tleavelikethis.”
“I’mnottheoneleaving.”
Ouch.
Shedroveoffandleftmeatthecurb,whichwasfittingbecauseI’dunintentionallykickedher

tothesameplace…twice,actually.

Iwasreallytemptedtojumpinacabandfollowher.ButIgotonthatplanebacktoCalifornia

becauseforonceinmylife,Ineededtodotherightthing.

***

Myfingerkeptpressingthenextpagebuttonhopingtherewasmoretothestory.Hecouldn’t

havepossiblyputmethroughallofthatjusttoenditrightwhereweleftthings.

Whenhesentmethemanuscript,hesaiditwasn’tfinished.Itwasprobablethathedidn’tfeelI

neededtoknowanythingmorethanwhatinvolvedme.Sincetherestofhislifewouldinvolveher,
therewasnoneedtotorturemewithmore.Igotitnow,andIappreciatedthat.Hewantedmeto
understandwhathewasfeelingallofthattimesohecouldhavesomeclosureandmoveon.

Well,goodforhim.
Itookoutmyphoneandsenthimatextthatsoundedcordialdespitemyanger.

Ifinished.Thankyou.Thatwasanamazingride.I’mhonoredyouaskedmetoreadit.The

historyofyourfamilyblewmeawayandexplainedsomuch.I’msorryyouhadtogothroughallof
that.Iunderstandsomuchmorenowandalsowhyyouendeditwhereyoudid.

Fuck.
Iwascryingandhadtogobackouttomyfriends.
Devastated,Iwasdeterminedthattherestofthenightwouldbeaboutforgettinghimonceand

forall.

“Helpmedrownmysorrows,”Irememberhimsayingtomeatthecasino.Well,thatwaswhatI

neededrightnow.

Myfriendswereonthedancefloorandcheeredwhentheyspottedme.Theypulledmein,and

wedancedtogetherforatleastanhour.ThemoreIthoughtaboutElec,theharderandfasterIswayed
myhipsandshookmyheadaroundtothepointwheremyhairmusthavelookedlikeI’dgotten
electrocuted.Gettinglostinthemusic,Ididn’twanttostoplongenoughtofeelallofthepainful
emotionsthathiswordshadcaused.Icertainlydidn’twanttoacceptthatthecharacterofGreta
Hansenhadnowbeenwrittenoutofhislife.

Ahalf-hourlater,myphonebuzzed.

What’syourtheoryonwhyIendeditwhereIdid?

Hisresponsestunnedme.Topreventmyselffromlosingitonthedancefloor,Ikeptdancing

asifnothinghadhappened.Ididn’twantmyfriendstothinksomethingwaswrong.

Ishookmyassandtyped.

Greta:Becauseyoudidn’twanttohurtme.Theresthasnothingtodowithme.

Elec:You’resureaboutthat?

Greta:Whatareyousaying?

Elec:StopshakingyourassforfivesecondsandmaybeI’lltellyou.

What?
BeforeIcouldturnaround,thefeelingofstronghandsgraspingatthesidesofmydressfrom

behindcausedmetosuddenlystopmoving.Theyslowlysliddownmywaistandlandedonmyass
withacoolself-assurance.Thatgrip.Thatsmell.Thewaymybodyimmediatelyresponded.

No.Itcouldn’tbe.

CHAPTER21

Iflippedaroundandwasmetwithsmokyeyes,incandescenteveninthedarknessoftheclub.

Myheartbeatwassointense,itseemedlikeitwasduelingwiththebassofthefast-pacedmusic.
EverythingaroundmeseemedtofadeawayupontherealizationthatElecwasrightinfrontofme,
holdingontomeasifheknewhispresencewouldjarmetothepointthatImightcollapseandneed
himforbalance.

Myvoicewastrembling.Iwassonervousthatmyfirstquestionwasadumbone.“What

happenedtoyourglasses?”

“Contactstonight.”
“Oh.”
Finally,theshockwasstartingtowearoffjustenoughformetoattempttoasksomethingthat

madesense.“Ihaveamillionquestions.Howdidyougethere?Howdidyoufindme?How—”

“Shutup,Greta.”Hishotmouthenvelopedmylipsandabruptlyinterruptedallfurther

questioning.Hedevouredmewithrecklessabandon.Iftherewereanydoubtaboutwherethingsstood
betweenus,thepossessivefeelofthiskiss,thewayhepressedhisentirebodyagainstme,annihilated
it.

Withouthavingtosayitwithhiswords,thekissspokevolumes.Histonguelashingatmine,

thegutturalsoundsthatcameoutfromhisthroatashedidit,itwasthefirsttimesinceI’dmethim
thatI’dtrulyfeltitinmybones:hewasmine.Allofthereservationsofthepast,everyshredofwhat
hadbeenholdingusbackwasgone.

Ididn’tknowthefullstoryyetofhowwesuddenlyarrivedatthisplace,butIwasn’tsureit

mattered.

MyfingersrakedthroughhishairdesperatelyasIpulledhimharderintome.
Don’teverleavemeagain,Elec.
Wewerestillinourownlittleworlddespitepeopledancingallaround,bumpingintous.He

breathedovermylipswithhisforeheadonmine.“I’vebeenwaitingforyoutofinishthebooksoI
couldcometoyou.Thatwastheplan.”

“You’vebeeninNewYorkallthistime?”
“IwasalreadyinNewYorkwaitingwhenIsentit.”
“OhmyGod.”Iburiedmyfaceintohischestandsavoredthesmellofhimsanscigarettes.I

lookedupathimandhadtoaskthequestioneventhoughitshouldhavebeenobvious.“Youbrokeup
withher?”

Henoddedhisfaceovermine.
Icontinued,“Buttheending…yousaidyouweredoingtherightthing.Ithought—”
Hecutmeoffwithakissagainthensaid,“Ifiguredyoumightassumethat.Buttheright

thing…wasadmittingthatIcouldn’tpossiblyfullyloveherifmyheartbeatfasterforsomeoneelse.”
Hishandscuppedmycheeks.“Myhearthasn’tshutupsinceitspottedyoustandinginthatgarden.I
finallylistened.Itjusttooksometimetoclearmyheadenoughtoreallyunderstandwhatitwanted.”

Iwassureitwasalongstory,thatendingthingswithChelseawasn’teasyforhim.Iknewhe’d

genuinelylovedherandthathe’dtellmeeverythinginduetime,butnowwasnotthemomentforthat.

Asifhereadmymind,hesaid,“IpromiseI’lltellyoueverythingaboutwhathappened,but

notnow,okay?Ijustwanttobewithyou.”

“Okay.”
Iwrappedmyarmsaroundhisneckandletoutabreathsointense,youwouldhavethoughtI’d

beenholdingitforsevenyears.MaybeIhadbeen.Wekissedlikeourlivesdependedonit,not
comingupforbreathforatleastthedurationofthreeconsecutivesongs.Iwassuremyfriendssaw
us,butIcouldn’ttakemyeyesoffhimlongenoughtocheckfortheirreactions.Theyprobably
thoughthewasarandomhookup,andtherewouldbealotofexplainingtodoatwork.Ipressedmy
bodyintohisandcouldfeelhiserectionthroughhisjeans.Wewerepracticallymakingloveonthe
dancefloor.

Thiswassurreal.
Hespokeintomyear,causingmetoshiver.“Doyouwantme,Greta?”
“Yes.”
“Doyoutrustme?”
“Ido.”
“Ineedyoutoletmehaveyounow.”
“Intheclub?”
Hesmiledovermymouth.“Iwantedyoutofinishreading,toknoweverythingbeforeIcame

toyou.I’vebeenwanderingaroundthiscityhardasarockforthreedaysjustthinkingaboutbeing
withyou.Yourapartmentistoofarfromhere.Ican’twaitanymore.”

“Wherecanwego?”Iasked.
“Idon’tcare,butweneedtofigureitoutbeforeItakeyourighthereonthisdancefloor.”He

grabbedmebythehand.“Comeon.”

Heranmyfingersthroughhisandledmethroughthethickhumidairoftheclub.Allofthe

hairsonmybodystiffened.Whatweweredoingfeltdangerous.Elecwasafull-grownmannow.
WhenIwaslastwithhimsexually,hewaspracticallyaboy.Iwassurehe’dgottenevenbetterinthe
yearswewereapart,andIwasn’tsurewhatIwasinfor.IthadbeenareallylongtimesinceI’deven
beenwithanyone.Hewasgoingtobeabletotellhowlongithadbeen.

Therewasadoorleadingtoabackroom,butwhenElectriedtoopenit,itwaslocked.He

lookedbackatmewithasmilethatgavemethechills.“Yousaidyoutrustme,right?”

“Yeah.”
“Waithere.”
Heopenedabackdoorthatlookedlikeafireexitandpeekedoutsidebeforereturningtothe

spotwhereIwasstanding.

“Iwanttogiveyouachoicedependingonwhatyou’reinthemoodfor.”
“Okay.”
“Wecangofindthenearesthotel,andIcanmakelovetoyouinabedor...”
“Okay.Or?”
“Orwecangooutsiderightnowandfuckhardinthatalley.”
Neverhadthemusclesbetweenmylegsthrobbedsointenselyinanticipationofsomething.

Mybodyhadclearlychosenforme,wantingtocompletelysurrendertohim.Ineededthisjustas
muchashedid.Iwantedithard,andIwanteditnow.

“Iwantoptionb.”
“Goodchoice.”
Heopenedthebackdoorandledmeoutside.Thealleywasdesolate.Athinlayeroffogcoated

theair.Wewanderedabituntilwecametoasomewhathiddenalcove.

“Noonewillseeushere,”hesaidashegentlybackedmeintothebrickwall.“I’mdyingto

takeyououtofyourcomfortzone.”

Mychestwasheavingfromtheexcitementofnotknowingexactlywhathewasgoingtodoto

me.IjustknewIwasn’tgoingtostophim.Iwasgoinginhappilyblind.Iwasshakingalittle.

“You’renervous?Don’tbescared.”

“I’mjustexcited.It’sbeenawhile.”
“Yourbodywillrememberme.”
Elecpulledthetopofmydressdownsothatmybarebreastswereexposed.Hegentlypushed

allofmyhairbackbeforenotsogentlygrabbingaholdofmyneck.Itfeltgood,though.Helowered
hismouthtoit,grazingmewithhisteeth.

“Thisfuckingneck…wasalmostthedeathofme…myfavoritethingintheentireworld,”he

saidashesuckedandgroanedintoit,vibratingthroughmyskin.“Icanpracticallysmellhowmuch
youwantme,Greta.Hekeptonehandonmyneckandlightlypinchedmynipplewiththeother.
“Lookhowhardtheseare.Idon’tthinkI’veeverseenyournippleswhentheyweren’thardassteel
aroundme.AndIwishyoucouldseeyourownface.Eveninthedark,Icanseehowpinkyourcheeks
arerightnow.ItturnsmeontonoendknowingthatIhavethatkindofeffectonyou.Iwantyouto
knowI’veneverwantedanythingmoreinmyentirelifethantoreclaimeveryinchofyou.I’mgoing
todothatnow.Okay?”

Inodded,soturnedonIcouldbarelybreathe.Idugmyfingersintothethickblackwavesof

hishairashekissedupwardtogreedilyfeastonmymouth.Isavoredthesweettasteofhisbreath,and
thescratchofhisscruffonmyface.TherewasnothingdelicateaboutbeingwithElec,evenathis
softest.Iflickedmytongueoverhislipring,andhegrowledwhenIlightlypulledonit.Icouldn’tget
enoughofhismouth.Iwanteditalloverme.

Wetnesswaspoolingbetweenmylegsashekneltdownontheconcretetoliftmydressand

slowlypullmyunderweardown.Helookedupatmeandflashedhisbeautifulteeth.“Youwon’tbe
needingthese,”hesmiledandadded,“foratleastaweek.”Hepromptlyputmypantiesinhisback
pocket.Mylegswerequivering.

Hestoodupslowly,andthesequenceofeventsthatfollowedwasnothingshortofaperfectly

choreographederotictease.Everysound,everymovementwashotterthanthelast:theunfasteningof
hisbelt,theswiftloweringofhiszipper,histeethrippingthecondomwrapperashelookedatme,the
soundoftherubberspreadingoverhisbeautifulcockthathadbeendrippingwithprecumaroundthe
piercingathistip.Iwaspulsatingwithneed.

Hiseyesseemedtohavedarkenedtoacharcoalhue.Leavinghisjeanson,heliftedmeupand

wrappedmylegsaroundhiswaist,backingmeagainstthebrickwall.“Tellmeifitgetstobetoo
much,”hesaidgruffly.

“Itwo—”
Ah!
Heenteredmeinonestabbingthrust.Hemovedhishandtorestbehindmyheadasashield

becauseherealizedhe’dalmostgivenmeaconcussion.

Hismouthstayedonmyneck,gentlybitingashefuckedme,theheatofhiscocksearing.Each

movementwasharderthanthelastandonlyasecondapartfromeachother.

Hegroanedloudlywitheachthrust.Someonewasgoingtocatchus.Thiswastheroughestsex

ofmylife,secondonlytothetimehetookmeonthefloorofmybedroomsevenyearsago.Ihadn’t
hadsexinalmosttwoyears,andyouwouldn’thaveknownitbyhoweasilymybodyconformedto
himdespitehowmassivehewas.IthinkI’dbeenwetandreadyforhimsincethemomentIfirst
spottedhimagaininthegarden.

Hecontinuedtofuckme,angrilyandunbridled.“Nooneshouldhaveeverhadthisbutme,”he

saidovertheskinofmyneck.Hepushedintome.“Iletyougo.”Hepusheddeeper.“Ithrewyou
away.”

Istartedtomovemyhips,impalingmyselfonhim.“So,takemeback.Fuckmeharder.”
Mywordssethimoff,andheacceptedthechallenge.Heshiftedmearoundsothathisback

wasnowtothewall,andhenolongerhadtoshieldmyheadfromit.Herepositionedmylegsaround

himandwrappedhishandaroundmyneckusingtheothertoholdmeup.Helookedintomyeyes
whilehemovedinandoutofmeashechokedmelightly,justenoughthatitwaspleasurable.
Knowinghowmuchthatturnedhimonmademecrazy.

Luckily,noonehadcomeoutside.Wewerestillaloneinthefoggynight.Theonlysounds

weretheslappingofourskin,theclinkingofhisbeltbuckleandourbreathing,whichhadfalleninto
asynchronizedrhythm.

IreachedmyhandtolifthisshirthalfwayupsothatIcouldseehisabs.Theywereharderthan

Irememberedandlookedlikethey’dbeencutfromstone.Iwishedwecouldhavebeenskin-to-skin,
butgettingfullynakedwouldhavebeenriskyhere.

“Don’tworry.Later,we’lltakeitoff,”hesaid.“We’regonnadoeverythingtonight.”
Anorgasmwasstartingtorollthroughmesuddenly.Ididn’tevenhavetosayanything.It

amazedmehowwellheknewmybody.

“You’recoming,”hesaid.“Irememberhowitfelt.Lookatme.”
Heheldmyneckandlookedintomyeyesasherockedhiships,fuckingmeashardashe

coulduntilheshuddered.

Ittookseveralminutesformybreathingtocomedown.Hecontinuedtoholdmylimpbodyas

hekissedmyneck.

“Iloveyou,Greta”
IlovedhimsomuchthatIcouldn’tevenformthewords.Somanyfeelingshadrisentothe

surface,butfearhadtrumpedall.

“Don’tleavemeagain,Elec.Don’tgobacktoher,”Isaid.
Heheldmetighter.“Iwon’t,baby,”hesaid,liftingmyfacetomeethiseyes.“Lookatme.

You’llneverhavetoworryaboutthat.I’mnotgoinganywhere.IknowIhavetoprovethattoyou,but
Iwill.”

Heputmedownandfastenedhispantsbeforeliftingmeupagain.Hisfeetcrunchedonthe

gravelashecarriedmeinhisarmstothenearestsidewalkwherewecaughtacab.

Itstillfeltlikeadream.
Inthebackseat,Ileanedmyheadagainsthischest.Hisheartwasbeatingfastagainstmyearas

hegentlycaressedmyhairtheentireridetomyapartment.

Whenweenteredmybuilding,hishandswereonmyshouldersashekissedthebackofmy

necktheentirewayupthestairs.

Ifumbledwiththekeysandonceinside,IhadthesuddenurgetodosomethingI’dneverdone

before.

Ibackedhimagainstthedoorthathadjustclosedbehindusandliftedoffhisshirt.Thelookin

hiseyeswasamixofhunger,shockandamusementatmyboldness.

Mytonguecircledalongtheringonhisnippleandlickeddowneverytautmuscleofhischest

rightdowntothetwoshamrocks.Igotdownonmyknees,andwhenherealizedwhatIwasaboutto
do,hischeststartedheaving.

“Fuck,”hesaidhuskily.“Isthisreallyhappening?”
Hewastednotimerippingoffhisbeltandthrowingittotheground.Iloweredhisboxer

briefsandliftedhiscockout,takingamomenttomarvelatitsgirth,itslength,itsheatandtheshiny
ringatthetip.I’dfantasizedaboutsuckinghimoffmorethananythingbecauseitwastheonething
weneverdid.

Hebunchedsomeofmyhairbetweenhisfingers.“Ican’ttellyouhowmanytimesIhave

dreamtoffuckingthatbeautifulmouth.Areyousureyouwanttodothis?”

Insteadofansweringhim,Iflickedmytongueoverthemetalringandsavoredthesaltytaste

oftheprecumonhistipasIstrokedhislength.Witheachpump,witheachlick,hebecamewetter.

Hisabstightened,andhisbreathingwaslabored.“Shit.That’ssuchatease.”
IstoppedandlickedmylipsasIlookedupathim.Heclosedhiseyesinresponse.Elecwas

alwayssocontrolled,butnowhewasatmymercy,andthatturnedmeon.

HiseyeswerestillclosedwhenItookhimdownmythroatforthefirsttime.Thesoundsof

pleasureemanatingfromhimweresodamnsexyandonlyencouragedmetotakehimevendeeper
andfaster.Ilovedthesmoothfeelofhimfillingmymouth.Icouldn’tgetenoughandsuckedharder.I
wassowetandcouldhavecomesoeasilyfromthisifItouchedmyself.

Hedughisfingernailsintomyhairandpulledonit.“Stop.You’regonnamakemeloseit,and

Iwanttocomeinsideofyou.”

Isuckedhimharder.“No,”Isaid,wantinghimtocomeinmymouth.
Hisbreathingwaserratic.“Areyouonthepillbyanychance?”
Inoddedyes.“Ihavebeenforyears.Itregulatesmycycle.”
Hepulledoutofmymouth.“Standupandturnaround.”
Myheartwasracingasheliftedmydressovermyhead.Hegrabbedmyhipsandsunkinto

me.Withoutacondom,thehot,wetfeelofhisskininsideofme,andthesensationofthemetalring
werealmosttoomuchtobear.Everyfeelingwasenhanced.

Hishandsgrippedmyassashefuckedme.Icouldhearmywetnessashemovedinandout.I

wasreadytocomeatanymoment,soarousedaftersuckinghimoffandhistakingmebare.

“Ican’teveruseacondomagainwithyou,”hebreathedout.“Thisfeelstoogood.”
Iwasstartingtocome.“Comeinsideofmenow.”
Hepumpedintomesohard,IwassureI’dhavebruisesonmyasstomorrow.“Fuck…Greta…

oh…”Hekeptmovinginandoutuntiltherewasnothingleftandevenafter,hecontinuedfuckingme
slowlyforawhile.

Elecfinallypulledoutofmeandflippedmearoundtokisshim.Hechuckled.“Wecouldn’t

evenmakeitpastthefrontdoor.Doyourealizethat?”

“IthinkIcouldevengoagain.”
“Good,becauseI’mnowhereneardonewithyoutonight,”hesaid,draggingmetothe

bedroomashispantshungdownhiswaist.

***

Fourlitcandlesflickeredaroundusaswesatinmybedatfourinthemorningfeedingeach

othericecreamoutofaBenandJerry’scontainer.

“So,howdidyouknowwheretofindmetonight?”
“Well,whenyousentmethetextthatyou’dfinished,IwassittingataStarbucksaroundthe

cornerfromyourapartment.IcamestraightheresinceIassumedthat’swhereyouwerereading.I
wantedtogorighttoyouandsurpriseyou.Iwaitedonyoursteps.This…person…whosaidshewas
yourfairygodmothercameuptomeandsaid,‘Alec,right?I’drecognizeyouanywherefromthe
descriptionmyGretagaveme.Iknewyou’dbebackforher,youdumbfuck.’”

“Areyouserious?”Iburstintolaughter.“That’sSully.Sheislikemyfairygodmother.”
“Well,youdorealizeyourfairygodmotherhasabiggerpackagethanmine,right?”
“Yes,I’mwellawareofthat.Wejustdon’tdiscussit.”
“Youmusthavegivenheranearfulaboutme.Anyway,Ijustneededtogettoyouandaskedif

sheknewwhereyouwere.”

“So,shegaveyouthenameoftheclub?”
“Notatfirst.Ithinkshewantedtomakemesuffer.”
“Whatdidshedo?”

“Shemademetakeoffmyshirt.”
“Areyoukiddingme?”
“I’mdeadserious.”
“Thatwasit?”
“Iwish.”
“What?”
“Shemademeholdupasignmadeoutofcardboardthatsaid‘fuckface’andtookapictureof

meholdingit.”

Icoveredmymouthandspokethroughmyhand.“What?”
“Yeah.Then,shesaiditwascollateral.”
“Sullyisnuts.”
“Well,he…sheobviouslycaresaboutyou.Icanrelateinthatsense.Anyway,itwasonlyafterI

lethertakethepicture,thatshegavemetheaddressoftheclubandsaid,‘Thisisyourlastchance.’”

“Wow,”Isaid.
“Yeah.”
Electurnedtome.“Ineedyoutoknowsomething.”
“Okay…”
“Earliertonight,afterwefinishedinthealleywhenyoutoldmenottogobacktoChelsea,that

washardtohear.There’sapartofyouthatdoesn’ttrustthatthisisreal,andyou’restilltraumatized
bymyleavingyouinthepast.ItmademerealizejusthowbadlyIhurtyou,howmuchworkIhavecut
outforme.”

“Iwasjustveryemotionalatthatmoment,especiallyafterreadingyourbookallday.Every

feelingincludingmybiggestfearcamepouringout.”

Electooktheicecreamfrommyhandsandputitaside.Heplacedhishandsonmycheeks.

“Therewasneveranycontest.IlovedChelsea,butitwasbydefault.Iloveyousomuchmore.Every
secondIwaswithyouagain,IhadtoconstantlyreassuremyselfthatIlovedChelsea,whichisnot
somethingthatyoushouldhavetodo.Myfeelingsforyouweresopowerfulthattheyscaredtheshit
outofme.ThesecondIgotonthatplane,IknewIwasreallygoingbacktoCaliforniatoendthings
withChelsea.Thatwastherightthing.”

“Youhurtherprettybadly,didn’tyou?”
“Yeah.Shedidn’tdeserveit.”
“I’msorry.”
“ItwouldhavebeenworseifwewereengagedormarriedbecauseI’mnotsuretheoutcome

couldhavebeenanydifferent.Itwouldn’thavebeenfairtostaywithherandloveyoulikeIdoin
secret.”

“IfeellikeIknowexactlyhowshemustbefeelingrightnow.”
“Yeah,youprobablydo.Apartofmewillalwaysfeelhorribleabouthurtingher,butthere

wasnowaytoavoidthat.IttookmeseveraldaysafterIgotbacktofigureouthowbesttoexplain
everythingtoherbecauseIwantedtobehonestaboutyou.Ididn’tdoitimmediately,butIneverslept
withheragain;youneedtoknowthat.Imadeupexcuses.Thebottomlineis,Ididn’twanttocome
backheretoyouuntilInolongerhadanybaggageanduntilyoukneweverythingaboutmypast.So
afterImovedoutofChelsea’s,IspentalotoftimeworkingonthebookuntilIgotittoapointwhere
Iwascomfortablewithyoureadingit.”

“Thankyouforsharingitwithme.”
Hekissedme.“Iloveyousomuch,Greta.”
“Iloveyou,too.”
“I’mnotgoingbacktoCalifornia.”

“What?Noteventogetyourstuff?”
“No.Iputitallinstorage.Mamiisdoingokayfornow.Weneedtogoouttheresoontovisit,

though.”

“We?”
IwantedtomeetPilaraboutasmuchasDorothywantedtomeettheWickedWitchoftheWest.
“Yes.Ialreadytoldheraboutyou.Shedidn’ttakeitwellatfirst,butIexplainedtoherhow

muchIloveyouandthatsheneedstoacceptit.Shewill,Greta.Andifshedoesn’t,itwouldn’tmatter
anymore.”

“Ihopeso.”
“IneededtofindanotherjobbecauseIquittheyouthcenterafterIendedthingswithChelsea.

So,actually,oneofthethingsIdidoverthepastfewdayswasinterviewataschoolhereinthecity
lastFriday.Theyofferedmeaguidancecounselorposition.”

“Areyoukidding?”
“No.”
“Elec,that’sthebestnews!”
Hepickeduptheicecreamandstartedeatingitagain.“I’llneedaplacetostay,though.Do

youknowagirlwhoneedsaroommate?”

“Actually,Sully’sbeenlooking.”
Hefedmeaspoonful.“I’mtalkingaboutanothergirl.Iwaskindofthinkingofmovingin

withthisbeautifullittlenymphIknowwholikesherpussylicked.”

“Oh…shemightbeinterested.”
“Good,becauseIwasn’tplanningontakingnoforananswer.”Hekissedmewithhismouth

fullofCherryGarciaicecream.“Hey…youneverexplainedtomewhatitisyouactuallydofora
living.Yousayit’sanadministrativeposition,butwhatdoesthecompanydoexactly?Orareyou
reallyanFBIagentorsomething?”

Ohboy.IwassurprisedittookthislongbeforeIhadtofessup.TherewasareasonInever

wentintoit.

“It’snotquiteadministrative,andyouhavetheagentpartright.There’sareasonI’vebeen

kindofhesitanttotellyou.IfeltreallyguiltywhenwewereapartbecauseIwishedIcouldhave
helpedyou,actually.”

“Idon’tgetit.”
“I’maliteraryagent,Elec.”
Heputthecartondownontheendtable.“Saywhat?”
“Irepresentauthors,andIthinkIcouldactuallyhelpgetsomeofyourworkpublished,

particularlyLuckyandtheLad.Iworkcloselywithamajorpublishinghouse’syoungadultimprint,
andIthinkweshouldsubmitittothem.”

“Areyoufuckingshittingme?”
“I’mdeadserious.”
“Howdidyougetintothat?”
“Actually,Ifellintoit.Iwaslookingforajoboutofcollege,startedasaninternandworked

mywayuptoanagentposition.I’mnewer,somyclienteleisstillgrowing.”

“PleasetellmeI’mgonnahavetosleepwithyoutogetaheadinmywritingcareer.”
“That’sdefinitelypartofthedeal.”
“Wow,inallseriousness,I’msoproudofyou.”
“YouhavenoideahowguiltyI’vefeltthispastyearwhenI’dseewritersnotnearlyastalented

asyougettingdealsandhavingsuccess.Ididn’tknowhowtocontactyouorifyou’devenwantto
pursueanythingbecauseIknewhowprivateyouwereaboutyourwriting.”

“YouknowIwouldneverexpectspecialtreatment.Youdon’towemeanything.”
“Yourwritingblewmeawaylongbeforethiscareer.Ibelieveinyou.We’llworktogether.If

nothingcomesofit,thenatleastwetried.”

“Ifnothingcomesofit,I’mstilltheluckiestmanintheworld.”Hewhisperedtohimself,still

thinkingofmyadmission.“That’swild.”

Igotuptostraddlehimandbrushedmyfingeroverhisside.“Speakingoflucky,Inoticedthis

newtattoorighthere.”

Hestartedtotickleme.“Oh,youdid,didyou?”
ItwasasmallLuckyCharmscerealboxwiththewordsGetCerealaboveit.
Howcutebutbizarre.
EventhoughitwentalongwiththeIrishthemeofalltheothertats,itmademechuckle.

“What’sthesignificanceofthis?”

“Honestly?Ijustgotthisrecently.Itremindsmeofyouandthehorseshoeupyourass.Also,

you’remyluckycharm.Morethanonceinmylife,youturnedsomethingmiserableintosomething
magicalforme.Hepulledmeintoadeepkissthensaid,“AndifyouscramblethelettersofGet
Cereal,yougetournames.”

GetCereal=ElecGreta
OhmyGod.Ilovedhim.
“That’smyfavoriteanagramyou’veevercomeupwith.”
“ItwaseitherthatorRectalGee,whichmadenosense.ThenIwouldhavehadtogetanass

tattooedonmyside.Thatwouldn’thaveworked.”

***

Afewmonthslater,itwasChristmasinNewYork.Thiswasmyfavoritetimeofyearwithall

ofthelightsanddecorationsadorningthecity.ThisChristmaswaslikenootherbecauseElecandI
wereexperiencingittogetherinloveforthefirsttime.

We’dbegoingouttoSanFranciscotospendtheactualholidaywithPilar.PerElec’s

suggestion,hehadmespeaktoheronthephonetotakesomeoftheedgeoff.Shewassurprisingly
cordialtome,anditmademefeelalotbetteraboutthetrip.Thingswouldneverbeperfectbetween
us,andIwassureshewouldhavepreferredhimendingupwithChelsea.Atleast,though,withRandy
goneandthroughthepassageoftime,shewasabletoacceptme.

Afewdaysbeforeweweresettoflyoutwest,ElecandIwereinvitedtoaChristmaspartyat

Sully’s.

Sully’sapartmentwasveryclassicNewYork,lotsofdarkwoodcrownmoldingandahefty

built-inbookshelflinedfromtoptobottomwithbooksrangingfromeroticatomilitaryhistory.
She’dgoneallout,hangingplasticmistletoeandwhitelightsallthroughouttheapartment.Therewas
evenagoldbannerthatread,Eat,DrinkandBeMary.Shealsosetoutatableofspikedeggnogand
assortedappetizers.ElecandIwerefeelingprettygoodafterafewmugsoftheeggnog.

HelookedsosexyinavelvetSantahatwhenheledmetoaprivatecorneroftheroom.
Ipulledonthefuzzyballattheendofhishat.“Youknowyou’rethesexiestSantaI’veever

seen,right?”

Hisslidhishandsdownmywaist.“Luckyforyou,I’llbecomingwaymorethanonceayear.”
Iwrappedmyarmsaroundhisneckandleanedintohim.“AndI’llbegivingyouwaymore

thancookies.”

“Iwouldn’tmindspreadingsomecheerinthatbathroomrightnow,”hesaid.
So,thatwaswhatwedid.

Whenweemerged,itwastimetoopenpresents.SullygaveElechisfirst.They’dactually

grownprettycloseandwereconstantlybustingeachother ’sballs.

“Oh,Sully.Youshouldn’thave.”TheroomburstintolaughterasElecliftedat-shirtthat

displayedthephotoofhisbare-chestedself,holdingthecardboardfuckfacesign.Therewasalsoa
mugandmousepadfeaturingthenowclassicimage.

Sullylaughed.“Withallthisbookstuff,Ijustdidn’twantyoutoforgetyourroots.”
Electookitinstridethenacceptedhisactualpresent,whichwasagiftcertificatetoStarbucks

wherehespentalotoftimewritingafterwork.We’drecentlyinkedapublishingdealforLuckyand
theLadandayettobewrittensequelhewasdevelopingnow.Hewasstillworkingatthemiddle
schoolduringtheday.

Elec’spresenttomewasthelasttobehandedout.Iwassurprisedheevenbroughtsomething

formesinceweagreedtoexchangegiftsinCalifornia.Let’sjustsay,onceIopenedthebox,itmade
totalsense.Thiswasn’tmyactualgift.Itwasthelastpairofunderwearhe’dstolenfrommeallthose
yearsago.Theywereturquoiselace.Irememberedthemwellandshookmyhead.

“Ican’tbelieveyou’veheldontothisalltheseyears.”
“ItwastheonemementoIhadofyouforalongtime.”
Iwhisperedinhisear.“You’reluckymyassstillfitsinsidethese.”
Hewhisperedinmine.“IthinkI’mevenluckierbecauseIfitinsideyourass.”
Ipunchedhimlightlyonthearm.“You’resonasty.Iloveit,though.”
“Youdidn’treadthecard,”hesaid.
Iopenedit.IthadapictureofanoldcouplekissingbyaChristmastree.Itwasoneofthose

blankcardswhereyoucouldwriteyourownnoteinside.

Greta,

ThisChristmaswillbethebestofmylife.
Becauseofyou…I:

Amgrateful.
Amhappy.
Amfulfilled.
Amatpeace.
Amexcitedforthefuture.
Aminlove.
BecauseofyouthisChristmas…I:
AmMerry.

AmMerry.

Itdidn’tregisteratfirstuntilIsawhimgettingdownononekneeandreachingintohispocket.

AmMerry=MarryMe.

“Ididn’tknowwhatlovefeltlikeuntilyou,Greta,notjustgivingitbutreceivingit.Iloveyou

somuch.Pleasesayyou’llmarryme.”

Icoveredmyfaceinshock.“Iwill.Yes.Yes!”
Everyoneintheroomclapped.Sullymusthavebeeninonitbecauseabottleofchampagne

poppedintheair.

WhenElecplacedtheringonmyfinger,Igasped.“Elec,thisisthemostbeautifulringI’ve

everseen,butthereisnowayyoucouldaffordit.”

Thediamondwasatleasttwocaratsandchannelsetwithsmallstonesallaroundthewhite

goldorplatinumband.

Hestoodupandpressedhisnosetomine.“ThisringistheonethatPatrickgavePilarallthose

yearsago.Moneywasnoobjecttohim.MamistoppedwearingitafterPatrickdiedbutdidn’twantto
partwithit.Sheheldontoitalltheseyears.Ihadn’teverseenitbefore,butsheshowedittomejust
beforeImovedhere.IimmediatelyaskedifIcouldhaveit,knowingIwantedtogiveittoyou
someday.Shegaveittome,butIinsistonpayingherbackeventually.Thisringoncerepresenteda
lotofpainformyfamily,butIdon’tlookatitthatwaynow.Ifitweren’tforallofthat,there’dbeno
us,andIcouldn’timaginethat.Thisringisanindestructiblepieceoflightamongallthedarknessthat
wasmypast.Itremindsmeofyourloveforme.Itistheringforyou.”

***

Ayearlater,onNewYearsEve,ElecandIhadaprivateceremonyofficiatedbyajusticeofthe

peace.Iworemyhairup.Hewashappyaboutthat.

Abigweddingwasn’tnecessary;wejustwantedtomakeitofficial.WechoseNewYearsEve

asawayofstickingittofate.

AfteranicedinneraloneatCharlie’sPubfollowingthewedding,wejoinedthecrowdin

TimesSquare.

Whentheballdropped,Elecliftedmeintoapassionatekissthatmorethanmadeupforour

lostopportunityherefiveyearsago.

Whenheputmedown,Iwhisperedintohisearandgavehimthesurpriseofhislife.
Laterthatnight,he’dputhisheadonmytummy,andcleverlyjokedintypicalElecfashion

abouthowwebelongedinarealityTVshow:he’dnowofficiallybecomehisbrother ’sbastardchild
whoimpregnatedhisstepsister.

EPILOGUE

TheFinalChapter:TrueRomance

“AreyoubabyO’Rourke’sfather?”
Anunfamiliartwingedevelopedinmyheartuponthenurse’suseofthatterm.“Yes.That’sme.

I’mthefather.”

Thefather.
Mywholelifehadseeminglybeendefinedbybeingtheantithesisoffather.Iwastheson:

bastardson,badson,estrangedson.Butnow,Iwasthefather.Itwasmyturntobe…thefather.

“CanIcheckyouridentificationplease?”
Iliftedmyarmandshowedhertheplasticbraceletlockedaroundmywrist.Iwantedtowearit

forever.Gangrenemaynothaveevenbeenagoodenoughreasontocutthatthingoff.

“Followme,”shesaid.
I’dmissedthebirth.I’dbeenvisitingMamiinCaliforniawhenGretacalledmetosayher

waterbroke.Shewasonlythirty-fourweeksalong,soIthoughtitwassafetotakeaquicktripout
therebeforemytimebecamemorelimitedthanever.

IimmediatelypackedupandstarteddrivingtotheairportonceIrealizedshewaslikelyin

labor.

ThenextthingIknew,SullywascallingmetosayGretahadbeentakeninforanemergencyc-

section.IpanickedbecauseIwasn’tevenontheplaneyet.IknewIwouldn’tmakeitintime.Theworst
kindofhelplessfeelingcameoverme.Iprayedprobablyforthefirsttimeever.It’sfunnyhowyoucan
spendyourentirelifewonderingifthere’saGoduntilsuddenlyinatimeofcrisis,you’rebeggingHim
forhelpasifyou’dneverdoubtedHeexisted.

SullysentmeatextshortlybeforeIboarded.Itwasapictureofmyson.
Myson.
IrememberI’dbeenwalkingoutofthebathroomandjustfroze,staringatmyphoneinawe.I

lookedaroundmeasifeveryoneshouldhaveknownthatthiswasthemostmonumentalmomentinthe
historyoftheuniverse.ThemessagesaidthebabywastakentotheNICUbutwasfine.Gretawasfine.
Theywerefine.

Thankyou,God.IswearI’llneverdoubtyouagain.
TearsstungmyeyesasIlookeddownatthepicturewhileIwalkedthroughthegateandonto

theplane.IthinkImusthavestaredatthephotofortheentiresixhours.

WhenIfinallyarrivedatthehospital,Gretawassleeping,andIdidn’twanttowakeher,butI

couldn’twaitanotherminutetomeetmyson.

Thenurseledmetowherehewasasleepintheincubator.
IfIthoughtthephotomademeemotional,therewasnocomparisontoseeinghiminperson,

watchinghislittlechestriseandfall.

“He’sbreathingonhisown,andallhisvitalsaregood.Heshouldonlyhavetobeinherefive

tosixdays.”

“CanIholdhim?”
“Yes.Wejustaskthatyouwashyourhandswiththeantibacterialsoapoverthereandputon

oneofthesemasks.”

Iwastednotimeheadingtothesink,latheringmyhandsandplacingthepapermaskovermy

mouth.

Shetookhimoutandhandedhimtome.Hiswarmbodywasswaddledinablanketandfelt

lightasafeather.Suddenly,Ibecameterrified,notonlyofkeepinghimsafefortherestofhislifebut
worriedevenabouttheridehomethroughthecity.Hewassofragile,andyetthistinybeingcomprised
everythingintheworldthatnowmatteredtome.Talkaboutholdingtheworldinthepalmofyour
hand.IwishedIcouldcarryhimhomeinabreathablenon-destructivedisplaycasewithalock.I
wantedtoshieldhimfromeverythingthiscrazyworldhadtooffer.

LookingdownathislittlefacemademetrulyrealizethateverythingI’dbeenthroughinlife

wassupposedtohappenexactlyasithad.Itcouldn’thavetranspiredanyotherwayifitmeantthat
thislittlepersonnevercametobe.

HehadRandy’snose,whichwasalsoPatrick’s.Itwasuncanny.Withhislighterhair,helooked

evenmorelikethemthanIdid.Howironicthatthroughallofthehate,lovewasspawnedintheir
likeness.

ChillsranthroughmewhenIrealizedtoday—hisbirthday—wasthe22ndbutdidn’tletit

bothermeonewayortheother.

“Hey,littlebuddy.It’sDaddy.I’myourdaddy.”
Hiseyelidsflickered,andhestartedtosquirminmyarms.
“Youdon’thavetowakeup.I’llstillbehere.Youwon’tbeabletogetridofmeforaverylong

time.”

Heopenedhislittlehand,andIwatchedhistinyfingersclosearoundmypinky.Iwondered

whereanyofmyinspirationtowriteevencamefrombeforehim.Iknewthatfromnowon,everylast
bitofitwouldbederivedfrommyson.

Lettinggoofalllingeringangerfromthepastwasgoingtobemorenecessarynowthanever.

Therewouldnolongerberoomforanyofitinmyheart.Ineededalltheroomforhim.Itwasinthat
momentholdingmysonwhenIknewIhadtotrulyforgivePatrickandRandy.They’dschooledmeon
whatnottodoasafather.I’dmakeupfortheirmistakesbygivingmyownsonmorelovethanhe’d
knowwhattodowith.

Itmayhaveseemedstrange,butIquietlythankedRandyforwhathehadgivenme.Inlife,he

ledmetomyonetruelove.Indeath,hemadeitpossibletofindheragain.

Throughdeaththerewaslife.Throughhatetherewaslove.Ilookeddownatmyson.“Inthe

end,therewasyou,andthatmadeitallworthit.”

Inthesamewaythatyoucaneasilyswitchthelettersofawordaroundtoseeanotherhidden

meaning,suchislife.Alifecanbedefinedbyitshardshipsoritsblessings.It’sallamatterofhowyou
lookatit.So,whilethisbookwasoncesettinguptobeatragictale,itturnedintoalovestory,an
imperfectbutunconventionallyepicromance.

Scramblethelettersofromance,yougetCameron.Gretacameupwiththatoneallonherown.

Itwasherveryfirstanagram.

Romance=Cameron.
Iloveyou,Cameron.

THEEND

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AUSATODAYBestseller

Fromtheauthorofthe#1bestsellingromance,JakeUndone,comesafriends-to-lovers

storyoflonging,passion,betrayalandredemption…withatwistthatwillripyourheartout.

Skylarwasmybestfriend,butIsecretlypinedforher.Onethingafteranotherkeptusapart,

andI’vespentthelastdecadeinfearoflosingherforever.

First,itwasthecancer,butshesurvivedonlytofacetheunthinkableatmyhands.Becauseof

me,shelefttown.Foryears,IthoughtI’dneverseeheragain.

Butnowshe’sback…andlivingwithhim.

Butnowshe’sback…andlivingwithhim.

Idon’tdeserveheraftereverythingI’veputherthrough,butIcan’tlivewithouther.Thisis

mylastchance,becauseshe’sabouttomakethebiggestmistakeofherlife.Icanseeithereyes:she
doesn’tlovehim.Shestilllovesme...whichiswhyIhavetostopherbeforeit’stoolate.

MySkylarisastandalonestoryandacompaniontothenovel,JakeUndone.

Containsgraphicsexualcontentandharshlanguage.Itisonlyappropriateforadultreaders

age18+.

***

JAKEUNDONE

AnAmazon#1BestsellerinRomance

NinaKennedywasalive…butnotliving…untilshemethim.

Planes,trains,heights…younameit,Ninawasafraidofitandledashelteredliferuledby

irrationalfearsandphobias.WhenshemovestoBrooklynfornursingschool,thatlifeisturned
upsidedown,asshedevelopsanintensebutunwantedattractiontohergorgeousroommate,who’s
pierced,tattooedandjusthappenstobethesmartestpersonshe’severmet.

BehindJakeGreen’sroughexterioranddevilishsmile,liesaheartofgold.Hemakesithis

missiontochangeNina’soutlookonlife.Whenheagreestotutorher,theyforgeabetandthestakes
arehighasJakeforcesNinatofaceherdemons.Hejustwasn’texpectingtofallhardforherinthe
process.

WhatNinadoesn’trealize,isthatJakehasbeenlivinghisownprivatehell.Oncehedropsa

bombshell,willtheirlovesurviveit?

ToldintwopartsfrombothNinaandJake’spointsofview,JakeUndoneisastandalonestory

andacompaniontothenovel,Gemini.

***

GEMINI

AnAmazonBestseller

DinerwaitressAllisonAbrahamhadnoideahermundanelifewasabouttodramatically

changethedaysheservesadevastatinglyhandsomecustomer.

Allisonisimmediatelycaptivatedbythemysteriousmanwhostaredthroughhersoulwithhis

electricblueeyes.Afterheabruptlyleavestherestaurant,shecan’tgethimoutofherhead.

Shehasnoideathathehadactuallycomeonamissiontofindher.

CedricCallahanwasn’texpectingtofallinloveatfirstsightwiththeprettywaitresshe’dset

outtofind.Infact,shewasthelastwomanonEarthheshouldbehavingfeelingsfor.Buthisselfish
hearthadotherplans.Feelingcompelledtoknowherbeforerevealinghimself,hemakesherbelieve
theirmeetingsarecoincidental.

Afterapassionateromanceignites,Cedric’sliesandsecretsarefinallyrevealed,changing

bothoftheirlivesforever.

***

ANDCOMINGINEARLY2015:

JAKEUNDERSTOOD

FromtheauthoroftheAmazon#1BestsellingRomance,JakeUndone,comesafull-length

companionnovel.

Adifferentsidetothestory:Jake’sside.

“We’regettinganewroommate,”theysaid.

Ithoughtnothingofit…untilshewalkedinthedoor.Herhandtrembledinmineasshelooked

atmewithfearfuleyes.Myentireworldspunonitsaxis.

Nina…

Itwasamismatchmadeinheaven:innocentgirlfromthebooniesmovesinwithtattooed,

pierced,badboyengineer.

Icameupwithabet,aplantotutorherinmathandcoachherthroughherphobias.WhatI

wasn’tbettingonwasbecomingaddictedtoher.

ButIwaslivingadoublelifeonweekends,andonceshefoundoutaboutit,she’dbegone.

Ihadtoprotectmyselfandthatmeantonething:Icouldn’tfallinlove.

**InJakeUnderstood,pivotalscenesfromJakeUndoneareretoldfromJake’spointofview,

combinedwithall-newmaterialthatwillgivereadersanever-before-seenglimpseintoJake’spast,
presentandfuture.Itcanstandalone,butifbothbooksareread,shouldfollowJakeUndone.

Containsgraphicsexualcontentandharshlanguage.Itisonlyappropriateforadultreaders

age18+.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Firstandforemost,thankyoutomylovingparentsforcontinuingtosupportmeeverydayin

everyway.

Tomyhusband,whoputsupwithalotofcrapsoIcanliveoutthisnewdream…thankyou

foryourloveandpatience.

ToAllison,whoalwaysbelievedinmebackwhenallofthiswassimplyabouttellingstories

andtoHarpo,myagentinheaven:loveyouboth.

Tomyeditor,KimYork,thankyouforyourundividedattentionchapterbychapterandfor

yourinvaluablefacebookchats.

Tomybesties:Angela,TarahandSonia…loveyouallsomuch!
Toallthebloggerswhohelpandsupportme:youarethereasonformysuccess.I’mafraidto

listeveryoneherebecauseIwillundoubtedlyforgetsomeoneunintentionally.Youknowwhoyouare
anddonothesitatetocontactmeifIcanreturnthefavor.

ToPenelope’sPeeps,myfacebookstreetteam/fangroup:Iadoreyou!
ToDonnaSoluriofSoluriPublicRelationswhoorganizedmybookblitzandwhoalways

dishesoutsoundadvice:Thankyou!

ToHettyRasmussen:foryoursupportandforbeingmyawesomeBookBashassistant!
Tomyreaders:nothingmakesmehappierthanknowingI’veprovidedyouwithanescape

fromthedailystressesoflife.ThatsameescapewaswhyIstartedwriting.Thereisnogreaterjoyin
thisbusinessthantohearfromyoudirectlyandtoknowthatsomethingIwrotetouchedyouinsome
way.

Totheautismmoms(anddads):yourock!
Lastbutnotleast,tomydaughterandson:Mommylovesyou.Youaremymotivationand

inspiration!

ABOUTTHEAUTHOR

PenelopeWardisaUSATodayBestsellingauthorandanAmazon#1Bestsellingauthorin

Romance.ShegrewupinBostonwithfiveolderbrothersandspentmostofhertwentiesasa
televisionnewsanchor,beforeswitchingtoamorefamily-friendlycareer.
Penelopelivesforreadingbooksinthenewadultgenre,coffeeandhangingoutwithher
friendsandfamilyonweekends.
Sheistheproudmotherofabeautiful10-year-oldgirlwithautism(theinspirationforthe
characterCallieinGemini)andan8-year-oldboy,bothofwhomarethelightsofherlife.
Penelope,herhusbandandkidsresideinRhodeIsland.
SheisalsotheauthorofMySkylar,JakeUndone,GeminiandtheupcomingJakeUnderstood
dueoutinearly2015.