EFT FOR PARENTS
By Karen Curry, B.S.N., ATP
EFT FOR PARENTS
By Karen Curry, B.S.N., ATP
Joyful Mission Family Coaching
2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
2
EFT FOR PARENTS v.4.0
Karen Curry
EFT FOR PARENTS
2002 Karen Curry
v.4.0 May 2003
Joyful Mission
Joyful Mission Family Coaching
2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
3
TABLE OF CONTENTS
EFT FOR PARENTS PART 1
INTRODUCTION
HOW TO USE THIS BOOK
USING EFT IN FAMILIES
EFT MODIFICATIONS FOR CHILDREN
EFT FOR PARENTS PART 2
EFT AND SELF-CARE
EFT, CHILD DEVELOPMENT, AND DETACHMENT
EFT AND SELF-ESTEEM
EFT AND SURROGATE TAPPING
EFT AND BEDTIME
EFT AND BOREDOM
EFT AND CAR SICKNESS
EFT AND MESSY ROOMS
EFT AND PHYSICAL PAIN
EFT AND TEASING
EFT AND WORLD PEACE
EFT AND BEDWETTING
EFT AND DISCIPLINE
EFT AND TRAUMA
EFT AND GRIEF
EFT AND BODY IMAGE
EFT AND SCHOOL
EFT AND SEPARATION ANXIETY
EFT AND ASTHMA
EFT AND SPORTS PERFORMANCE
EFT FOR PARENTS PART 3
CASE STUDIES
CONCLUSION
APPENDIX:
EFT FOR EVERYONE! v.4.0
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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EFT FOR
PARENTS
PART 1
Family before EFT…. Family after EFT….
Joyful Mission Family Coaching
2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Introduction
Being a parent has always been an unexpected adventure for me. I
never expected to get pregnant! Then, I never expected to have
FOUR children! Each day of parenting brings me unexpected
challenges and unforeseen delights!
Parenting has never looked or felt like I thought it would. I wasn’t
prepared for the joy of first grins, teeth, steps, giggles, sweet angelic
slumber and the almost adult conversations that I have with my
twelve-year-old. I also wasn’t prepared for the colic, the word “NO”,
the nightmares, the bullies, the hurt knees, the sibling fights, or the
end-of-the-day exhaustion.
Most importantly, I wasn’t prepared for the realization that most of
my problems with my kids were about ME, not about them. I’m not
sure how well I would have survived parenthood, however, without
some very important tools I have learned along the way—especially
the Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT). EFT has made me a better
parent. With EFT I can disengage my own emotional issues from my
children’s. Disengaging my junk from my relationship with my
children has made me a more effective parent.
Without being emotionally over-involved with my kids, I can use
discipline for teaching without feeling guilty and changing my mind.
I can support my children in learning how to help themselves, rather
than rescuing them from situations that they know how to handle.
These days, I am more joyful, more playful, and nicer as a parent.
My gratitude goes to Gary Craig who has selflessly given EFT to the
world. Without Gary and many other energy therapy pioneers I might
be slugging through years of expensive therapy! Now I can use my
therapy money to send my kids to college! I hope that this book gives
you the tools that you need to become emotionally free. Imagine the
parent you will become without guilt, shame, anxiety, stress, worry
and fear. EFT will truly set you and your family free!
Warmly, Karen
Joyful Mission Family Coaching
2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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How to Use This Book
This book is designed as an instructional manual and a reference
manual. You may feel inspired to read it all right away or you may
want to read the sections that apply to you now. As issues come up in
your parenting relationship, you can check back to this manual and
see how to successfully implement EFT with your specific problem.
In order to successfully use this book it is important to be familiar
with the Emotional Freedom Techniques. If you do not know the
basics of EFT, please refer to the appendix, 'EFT FOR
EVERYONE" and familiarize yourself with the process first.
I intentionally kept the sections short because I know how busy you
are as a parent, and because I want you to jump right in and tap!
At the end of each section is a series of sample EFT setups. Please
use the ones listed to start with but know that as you get more and
more comfortable with EFT, you will become more adept at creating
set ups that fit your needs and the needs of your children perfectly!
EFT is a technique. Initially, expect to easily master the technique.
There is also an art to applying EFT. The more you use EFT and
boost your proficiency, the more you will become artful in your
application of EFT.
I encourage you to experiment and explore! Everything I have
learned from EFT I have learned by experimenting and trusting my
gut instincts.
GET READY TO START TAPPING!
Joyful Mission Family Coaching
2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Using EFT in Families
Let’s face it! Being in a family is like living in a hotbed of emotional
intensity. When things run smoothly, the love we feel in families is
very powerful! And when things aren’t so pleasant, family life can
feel very painful.
Being in a family has presented me with great opportunities to
heal and be healed on the deepest levels. Interacting with my
children has stirred up feelings I didn’t even know existed inside
my heart and my spirit. Motherhood has brought up many
emotions, beliefs and ideas about myself and my own life that I
would not have encountered in any other setting. Those little
creatures that just plopped into my life have served as wonderful
mirrors for me to see myself reflected in a whole new way.
EFT has been the polish for me to clean this mirror and keep it
shiny.
Every interaction we have in our families involves an exchange of
emotional energy. Most of the time this is a loving and kind energy.
But, sometimes it is not. EFT helps families get through those rough
spots without hurting and damaging the other person.
And, as a parent, EFT often helps me understand the true source of
my emotional energy. I have found so many times that when I feel
upset or concerned about an issue relating to my children, the issue is
really about ME and my “stuff” and not about them and their “stuff”.
One of my favorite examples happened when my oldest daughter was
four years old. As most four-year-olds do, my daughter got creative
with a pair of scissors and gave herself a haircut. Well, it was bad!
She had had beautiful long golden hair. When she was done with her
self-coiffure, she looked like a propeller airplane had buzzed around
her head several times. We were supposed to get Christmas portraits
taken that same afternoon. And my in-laws were coming to town!
And I had a toddler and a brand-new baby and I was sooooo tired! I’ll
let you imagine how the rest of the story goes.
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Unfortunately, I didn’t know EFT at that time. But I was able to
dissect the different parts of my emotional energy to eventually reach
an understanding about my feelings. Yes, I was angry that my
daughter had cut her hair. But it was developmentally normal. And I
knew that hair grows back (eventually!).
My REAL anger related to my fear about what my mother and my in-
laws were going to think of me as a parent. Would they judge me
because my little four-year-old had gotten scissors out behind my
back while I was taking care of my other little ones? Would they
think I was a bad mother? In my family, appearances meant
EVERYTHING. Would my daughter be judged for her “interesting”
haircut?
I could just imagine them saying “Look what she let’s her children
do!” or “Doesn’t she SUPERVISE them properly?!”
These were all my fears and my issues that I needed to deal with. I
did not need to them put on my daughter’s shoulders. She didn’t care
about her hair. She liked it short. Yes, we did talk about scissors
safety and self-mutilation, but the rest of the stuff was mine! Had I
known EFT at the time, I could have tapped the whole mess away in a
few short rounds instead of floundering with it for several days until I
got it all clear in my mind!
In the next section of this book, I have given you many practical
applications for EFT in everyday parenting life and included some
real life examples and case studies. I have also included sample set
ups to get you started on specific issues. Many of these examples
come from my own experience.
I have adopted a policy of “tapping on everything” with my family.
So far, tapping has worked on everything. Please know that this next
section represents merely a sample of what you can create with EFT
in your life. Don’t limit yourself to thinking these are the only
applications for EFT…TRY EFT ON EVERYTHING! You’ll be
amazed!
Joyful Mission Family Coaching
2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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DISCLAIMER: Humans come in all shapes, sizes and personalities.
Some children are like beautiful roses. They unfold gently and
precisely, bringing constant pride and delight to parents. Some kids
are born like cyclones, battling and climbing their way through life,
leaving parents confused and dazed in a sea of destruction and
creativity.
I know this from personal experience. My first two children
resembled “roses”, obedient and predictable. My third child broke the
mold. When this boy came along, I learned things about children that
I never knew before. Did you know that small babies can scale large
objects, like bookshelves, in less than a minute while you run to the
bathroom? Or, that a creative toddler can make 5 liters of mud in the
bathroom sink while you quickly shower (your first chance in three
days)?
No matter how much you tap with your child, you can not change
who they are! But with EFT you can remove your limiting beliefs
and ideas about who your children are and what they can be. EFT
will open your heart to loving your children exactly as they were
created. And what greater gift can you give a child than unconditional
love and acceptance?
EFT Modifications for Children
Because EFT is so simple, it is very easy to teach and to use with
children. Simply modifying the set up phrase makes it less of a
mouthful for youngsters.
Listed below are some sample setups. Use these or let your child
make up her own. The setup has an infinite number of possible
modifications, so allow your intuition to guide you to the one that
works best in your situation.
Even though I have this problem…I really like myself.
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Even though I ____________________ …I am still a great kid.
Even though I ____________________ …I love myself.
Even though I ____________________ …God loves me.
Even though I ____________________ …I am awesome.
OR
I feel good about myself, even though I have this problem.
I’m OKAY, even though I __________________________.
I’m a cool kid even though I ________________________.
I really like myself, even though I ____________________.
Although EFT works best in tough situations, don’t wait until your
child needs EFT to teach her. Create a quiet, teachable moment and
then show her how to use it. When teaching the process, you can
either make up a situation or use a real life example from the recent
past. Make it simple and fun.
With young children, I refer to the EFT points as “tickle spots” or
“giggle spots.” Older kids can call them “relaxation” spots, or any
other euphemism you can think of that makes sense to the child.
Practice tapping on the points together. You can also teach a child to
tap on their favorite doll or teddy. Tapping on a doll helps some
children engage with the EFT process more easily, and it makes the
process fun. It’s sure to get a good laugh if mom or dad taps on a
Beanie Baby.
Feel free to get silly with it also. Some kids pretend they are monkeys
when they tap the UA (under the arm) spot. Whatever works!
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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RATING THE ISSUE WITH YOUR HANDS
Usually it helps to rate the severity of an issue before you tap on it so
that you can determine whether or not you feel better after tapping. I
usually ask for people to rate their pain or fear or whatever on a scale
of 1 to 10, where 10 is really bad.
With young children it helps to adapt the rating method to their level.
Instead of using numbers, hold your hands apart of great distance for
“very bad” and closer together for “not so bad” and completely
together for “all gone.” Children love to do this. They will learn
quickly to say how scared or tired or angry they feel by using their
hands. “I was this scared Daddy (hands wide apart), but now I’m only
this scared (hand very close together).”
You may have to subjectively evaluate your child’s level of emotional
intensity. Some children simply will not give you an arm spread or
any other way to rate the intensity. It will probably be very obvious to
you when she is feeling intense about an aspect of the issue.
Try whatever works!
IMPORTANCE OF MODELLING
As obvious as it sounds the truth bears repeating: Children do what
we do, not what we say. That statement applies to the Emotional
Freedom Techniques as much as it does to any other activity in family
life. The most important factor in helping a child to actively use EFT
is whether or not you model using it yourself. If your kids see you
tapping, especially when you are feeling emotional intensity, they will
be encouraged to use it themselves under similar circumstances. As
with everything in parenting, you must walk your talk.
Sometimes a child will resist tapping (older kids especially). It’s too
weird or embarrassing. Or, the child has an emotional investment in
defying you and he knows how badly you want him to tap. No matter
how hard you try (and believe me, I have tried!) you can’t make a
child tap if they don’t want to. Under this circumstance, it is very
Joyful Mission Family Coaching
2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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important that you remove your emotional attachment to the situation.
So, tap on yourself first.
Once you have brought your emotional intensity down you can then
surrogate tap for your child.
To tap for your child you follow this procedure: simply state, “I am
my child” and then follow through on the setup and tapping sequence
for your child. I don’t know why this works, but it does! I will
discuss surrogate tapping in greater detail later in the book.
(By the way, surrogate tapping works great on spouses, too.)
You can also tap with your child on resistance to tapping. If they feel
a problem is unsolvable, they may take the attitude that “nothing can
help me.” Simply tap on the fact that tapping won’t work. For
example:
Even though this tapping won’t help me, I’m still going to be OKAY.
or
Even though nothing will help me with this problem, I still like
myself.
Do what works for your child in your particular situation.
REMEMBER: CHILDREN DO WHAT WE DO, NOT
WHAT WE SAY. SO FREQUENTLY USE EFT FOR
YOURSELF—WHERE THE KIDS CAN SEE YOU!
Joyful Mission Family Coaching
2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
13
EFT FOR
PARENTS
PART 2
Family before EFT…. Family after EFT….
Joyful Mission Family Coaching
2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
14
EFT and Self-Care
Do this quick exercise. Make a list of the five most important
relationships in your life. When you are done, rank these
relationships in order of importance.
Are you anywhere on your own list? If so, where did you rank
yourself?
The first time I did this exercise, I was surprised to find that I didn’t
even make the list. To be honest, it didn’t even occur to me to put
myself anywhere on the list. And I was proud of all the people on my
list whose welfare I was at least partially responsible for. “I am so
nice,” I concluded about myself.
Nice, schmice. I was not nearly as nice as I thought I was. Yes, I put
my kids and my husband first on my list, in that order. But was I
really being nice when I yelled at them because I felt tired? Was I
really being nice when I tried to use guilt so that they would
“appreciate” all the nice things I did for them?
Oh, and was I nice when I fed them McDonald’s burgers because I
felt way too burned out to cook a decent meal?
Hmmmmmm!
I’ll be honest with you. I am the queen, the empress, the Czarina, of
burnout. I was raised to take care of everyone else first, and then to
take care of myself with whatever was left over. I actually pulled this
off for quite a while until I had my third child in a four-year period.
Somewhere in the middle of diapering lots of little behinds, endless
nights of nursing, toilet training, working, keeping the bathrooms
clean and trying to cook food that EVERYONE would eat, I lost
myself. It was at this point that I went off the deep end. I will spare
you all the details but the end result was that I almost lost my mind.
But, I learned a lot.
Joyful Mission Family Coaching
2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
15
After a lot of painful introspection, I realized that I had built up years
of a self-care deficit. I had spent much of my time and energy taking
care of my loved ones, but virtually no time taking care of myself.
Yet, I formed the bedrock upon which the foundation for my family
rested. By neglecting myself and my own deep needs for renewal and
nourishment, I had eroded the stability of my family structure.
I was a tired, grumpy, out of shape woman.
I had little energy to bring to my marriage. I didn’t feel attractive or
beautiful so how could I even believe that my husband wanted to be
with me? Because we had ignored our marriage, my husband I were
not an effective parenting team and the children knew intuitively how
to divide and conquer us. Because my children were acting out, I
couldn’t get my work done and my business suffered. Because my
business suffered, I put more hours into it and took even less time for
myself creating a vicious cycle of suffering for everyone.
I was definitely not nice!
So, I made a commitment to myself that I would begin to take care of
myself first. I wish I could say that was the end of the story. Of
course, it wasn’t. I hadn’t prepared myself for the difficult task of
taking care of myself first. I felt overwhelmed with guilt when I tried
to take time for myself, and I felt resentful of my husband when he
did something to nurture himself!
I struggled to let go and trust that everything was going to be just fine
without me for a few hours.
I also had to accept that my husband had a different way of dealing
with the kids while I was gone and if they had watermelon and Oreos
for dinner they would live until the next day. In fact, the more the
kids got used to Dad being in charge, the more they WANTED me to
leave! (Note from husband: the kids never actually had watermelon
and Oreos for dinner, just watermelon).
Joyful Mission Family Coaching
2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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In the beginning, I would often do inappropriate self-care as a way of
getting out of the guilt of really nurturing myself. I used junk food as
a great way to avoid taking good care of myself. Instead of doing
something good for my body, like yoga, I would justify eating ice
cream or chocolate as a way of taking care of myself. Oh yes, the ice
cream was a lot easier than one hour of yoga, but ultimately, it did
nothing to nourish my soul…only my thighs.
I take care of myself more effectively these days. I have learned to
recognize the symptoms of burnout and take preventative action
before I go down that route. I consciously plan my self-care each
week. I make dates with myself and keep them religiously. But, it
still doesn’t feel like a natural process for me. I still have to use EFT
to overcome the guilt and the resentment that sometimes builds up.
Using EFT has given me the power to overcome my mental and
emotional limitations that keep me from nurturing myself first.
If you are feeling burned out on parenting, I encourage you to
evaluate what beliefs you have that may be keeping you from taking
care of yourself first. Listed below are some common beliefs that
keep parents from taking care of themselves first:
I don’t have enough time to take care of myself.
I feel guilty leaving the kids.
I wouldn’t know what to do by myself.
I’ll take care of myself later. I’ll feel better if I just get a little work
done first.
Going to the grocery store is kind of like a break…
I can’t afford to take care of myself.
These are just a few examples, most of them taken straight from my
very own experience. These limiting beliefs keep us from loving
ourselves the way we deserve to be loved. EFT can address and
remove every one of these limiting beliefs so that you can
JOYFULLY take care of yourself the way you deserve and NEED to
take care of yourself.
Joyful Mission Family Coaching
2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
17
Try the following setups and see how they address your self-care
issues:
Even though I feel guilty leaving the kids, I deeply and completely
love and accept myself.
Even though I don’t think I deserve to go out to a movie, I deeply
and completely love and accept myself.
Even though I believe that I don’t have time to take care of myself, I
deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Even though I don’t think I can afford to take care of myself, I
deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Even though I know that the house will be a mess when I get back,
and that scares me, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Even though my mother never modeled self-care for me, I deeply
and completely love and accept myself.
Even though it is hard for me to take care of myself first, I now
choose to grant myself full permission to guiltlessly and joyfully take
care of myself and nurture my mind, body and spirit because I know
that it is in the highest good for everyone I love, including myself!
Tap on any resistance you may have! Nurturing yourself first is the
greatest gift you can give yourself, your marriage, your children and
even your work. Go on! Take yourself on a date! You’ll thank
yourself later!
Joyful Mission Family Coaching
2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
18
EFT, Child Development, and Detachment
I’ll be honest with you. When I first had children, I didn’t know
anything about them. It took me quite some time to figure out that
some of their “strange” behavior actually constituted a normal part of
healthy development. This paradigm shift enlightening me. For
example, once I realized that their obsessive use of the word “poop”
represented a developmental milestone and not the beginning of some
strange psychiatric disorder, I could relax and have fun being a parent
again.
My ability to detach from the daily situations allowed me to relax and
laugh at some of my children’s behavior. Once I knew that the way
they were behaving was normal for children, then I could enforce
appropriate rules and boundaries without freaking out about the small
stuff. Not surprisingly, the sooner I would emotionally detach from
the behavior, the faster it would disappear.
Sometimes when I teach about emotional detachment, parents think
that I am telling them to disengage and stop caring about their child
and his behavior. Detachment does not mean that you stop caring
about your child. In fact, detachment is just the opposite. By
emotionally detaching from a parenting situation, you remove your
emotional issues and potential projections out of the way so that the
child assumes full responsibility for the problem at hand.
For example, let’s say that you have a child who is consistently being
bullied by a kid at school. As a result, your child has become anxious
and frightened about going to school.
Of course, I strongly advocate that you take action to ensure your
child’s safety. But, by first emotionally detaching from the situation,
you can more easily empower your child to handle this bullying
himself, rather than you jumping in and rescuing him. If you simply
rescue him, he will soon encounter another situation where you will
again have to rescue him. A life-long pattern of dependency
develops.
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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When we empower our children to handle things for themselves, we
give them skills they can apply to any similar circumstances in the
future. We literally give them “power” to cope with tough life
situations.
One way that you might empower the child in dealing with a bully, is
to support him in talking with his teacher about his problem. Or
perhaps you might encourage your child to gather a group of kids to
walk to and from school with him. Whatever creative situation you
create with your child, if you empower your child, odds are he will
never manifest another situation with a bully again. And, as he gets
older, he will be more and more comfortable coming to you for
guidance because he will know that you support him in his growth and
desire for independence.
Please note, just because you detached doesn’t mean that you don’t
follow up and check on the bully situation. You may even feel
compelled to hang out at school a bit more yourself. That’s okay.
Just be sure that your fear, anger and concern for the situation doesn’t
overshadow your child’s emotions and their need to handle the
situation for themselves.
Having an understanding of normal developmental milestones allows
a parent to detach from certain expected behaviors. If you know that
fits of loud giggling occur with all normal pre-teens, you can walk by
your nine-year-old daughter’s room and smile a big smile knowing
that all is well in the pre-teen world and not feel irritated. If you know
that four-year-old children love to say “poopoo” you won’t overreact.
One more thing. You may know this already, but whatever your
parents did to you and for you during these developmental stages is
what you will feel tempted to do with your child. Long forgotten
phrases will pop out of your mouth, and you will say in a horrified
tone “Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother!” And you are.
We all do it. We all hear the voices from our childhood. Dealing
with a discipline situation will inevitably bring up memories and
emotions from the past. We have available to us, however, new
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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information and skills that did not exist when our parents became
parents. We therefore have the opportunity to choose how we will
react to our child’s development, rather than reacting with
conditioning we learned from our parents, grandparents, great-
grandparents, and so on.
When you know EFT, and choose to use it, you can eliminate the urge
to react in patterned ways. You have the power to create your own
style of parenting that suits you and your family. You are no longer a
slave to negative conditioning from the past.
While you read the information below you may experience memories
of how your parents handled the same issues with you. Use EFT to
deal with any grief, sadness, anger, or unforgiveness that arises.
Remember that your parents did the best they could with what
information and skills they had available to them. They didn’t know
EFT, but you do.
When I talk about “detaching” from a situation, I mean that we detach
our junk, our programmed patterned response, from the situation with
our own child. We act in the moment, rather than re-acting based on
the inner voices of our parents that we hear in our heads. By acting
appropriately, we create children with high-self esteem and useful life
skills.
Ages and Stages of Child Development
In the following section I will briefly outline some normal
developmental milestones and some expected challenging behavior
associated with certain ages and stages. I will also include some EFT
setups that you can do for yourself (and surrogately for your child, if
you need to).
Please note that this represents only a partial list of behaviors.
Informing yourself about normal child development adds to your
effectiveness as a parent.
Joyful Mission Family Coaching
2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Two – Six Weeks:
During this developmental stage, the human brain almost doubles in
size. Also during this period that the mother/child bond is cemented.
Babies who are breastfed during this time will have a temporary
increase in how much they nurse. It is important that babies be
breastfed on demand during this growth spurt as the increased
suckling is vital to establishing a healthy, abundant milk supply.
(Don’t let any tell you otherwise. It took years of research to prove
that breastfeeding on demand is vital to producing a healthy milk
supply. Scheduled feedings, especially during this time can seriously
affect the quality and quantity of breast milk!)
Because of the intense amount of growth taking place during this vital
stage in development, many babies develop colic. It is hypothesized
that colic is simply a symptom of neurological disorganization due to
the rapid growth of the brain and over-stimulation. Whatever the
cause, if your baby has colic, you’re going to need EFT.
My oldest daughter had colic for several weeks. She would cry every
night from 10:00 p.m. to 2:00 a.m. She would cry. I would cry. My
husband would cry. We all cried! Unfortunately, I didn’t know EFT
at the time but it sure would have helped!
I had always read that many babies are shaken and abused if they have
colic. I didn’t understand this until I actually lived it. When you have
a baby with colic, you can get very over-stimulated and exhausted
yourself. There were many times when I felt like putting a pillow
over my baby’s face. Oh, I loved her so much, but she just kept
screaming and screaming and there was nothing that I could do to stop
it! The guilt and the feeling of powerlessness were overwhelming!
Get as much rest as possible when your baby is this little. Sleep when
they sleep. You and your family will survive on pizza and videos for
a few weeks! Just clean the toilets, if you must, do some EFT and
sleep. This, too, shall pass.
Joyful Mission Family Coaching
2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Here are some EFT setups to try:
Even though I feel guilty resting when my baby sleeps, because
there are just so many things to do, I deeply and completely love and
accept myself.
Even though I am too tired to think…
Even though I am frustrated with this baby who keeps screaming…
Even though I feel overwhelmed by this baby…
Even though my breasts hurt from nursing all the time…
Even though I feel overwhelmed by the housework that needs to get
done…
Even though I feel guilty for wanting to hurt my baby…
Even though I feel guilty for not giving my other child(ren) enough
attention…
Try these setups and surrogate tap for your baby:
Even though my tummy hurts and I can’t stop crying, I’m still a
miraculous creation.
Even though I’m having a hard time adjusting to this body…
Even though I can’t stop screaming…
Even though all this light and noise is disturbing…
Even though I’m always hungry…
Even though I’m having trouble settling down…
Joyful Mission Family Coaching
2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Even though I’m having trouble sleeping…
There are many little milestones during the first year of life. I won’t
go into all of them because they can vary quite a bit from baby to
baby. T. Berry Brazelton’s book, Touch Points, is an excellent
resource for information about child development in the first years.
One Year Olds
Somewhere around a baby’s first birthday, they tend to go through
another period of neurological disorganization. This usually occurs
around the time when the child is preparing to walk. For some
children, if they have been somewhat verbal before this, they may
stop talking and focus exclusively on learning to walk.
Even though learning to walk is exciting for parents, it can present
certain challenges, too. Many children get very frustrated during this
time. If you are the parent of a one-year-old, you may have a very
determined but angry youngster on your hands.
If you have an active, curious walker, you may also have to begin
enforcing disciplinary limits for safety reasons. Disciplining these
curious go-getters presents challenges, because cognitively they do
not have the ability to reason. Believe me, I have spent many hours
trying to explain to small beings why it is not a good idea to climb the
shelf! It never worked! I just had to repeatedly remove the offender
and try to distract him. No easy task, I assure you!
It is common to see sleep disturbances during this time. Many one
year olds who have been sleeping through the night begin to wake up
again. Some give up their naps and spend their days in pursuit of that
first step only to collapse with tantrums and exhaustion at the end of
the day.
Although this is an exciting time, it can be a little tiring for parents.
Here are some EFT setups to try:
Even though I am frustrated that I’m having to get up in the middle
of the night again, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Even though I am tired of trying to distract my baby…
Even though I am tired of dealing with my baby’s frustration…
Even though I am overwhelmed by child proofing my house…
Even though I hate saying “no” over and over again…
Eighteen Months to Three Years:
This is the phase of child development lovingly referred to as the
“terrible twos”. I prefer to call it the “terrific twos”. And it truly is
terrific. This is the time when a child begins to develop their sense of
themselves and identity. During this time children have a need and a
drive for power. And it is our job to give it to them, appropriately!
There are so many new things that happen during this time frame.
During this phase, as many children are put in new social situations
and begin to experience some things separate from their parents, kids
often develop separation anxiety. This can be gut wrenching for both
parent and child. (For more information, see the section on EFT and
Separation Anxiety).
Also, during this developmental stage, children learn that infamous
word “NO”. Having a two-year-old gives you a wonderful
opportunity to resolve many of your own power issues. There is no
greater challenge than modeling appropriate power in the check out
stand at the grocery store with a screaming, kicking two year old at
your feet while all the other ladies look on.
Many children this age begin to potty train, bringing more challenges
for parents. I have read that most toddlers who get abused by parental
figures are hurt while potty training. I didn’t understand this until I
experienced it myself. Once again, my oldest daughter taught me
many, many lessons about waiting until the child is ready.
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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She also taught me a lot about power and revenge. There is no greater
test of unconditional love than when a scowling two-year-old stares
you dead straight in the eye and intentionally pees on your carpet right
in front of you.
Two-year-olds sometimes start to give up their naps, and this drives
many parents over the edge. First of all, your schedule and routine
changes. Secondly, most children go through a six-month period of
transition when they give up a nap. Some kids are very tired and
cranky at the end of the day without a nap but stay up until midnight
should they fall asleep any later than midday. Others can manage to
stay awake until you have to make a late afternoon car ride. Then the
child zonks out for an hour while you drive through traffic, leaving
you with a very awake toddler who has enough energy to ring in the
next day. Either way, it can by trying.
(Just a quick note…I don’t intend to focus only on the negative here.
With each age and stage there are beautiful and exciting changes that
happen in your child. It is a blessed miracle to watch your child’s
personality unfold. By removing the negative emotions that
inevitably come with parenting, especially when you are parenting
without an extended family or community to support you, you can
truly begin to enjoy and cherish each special moment with your child.
As I write this, I am laughing at the memories of some of my
parenting challenges. They seem so small now in retrospect.
Although at the time when I experienced them, I thought they might
mean the end of me and my sanity. I wish I had been able to put them
in perspective when I was in the thick of things. EFT can help you
gain perspective and have a good laugh about your parenting
journey!)
Some other interesting challenges that you may see around two are
unsociable behavior, repeated use of the phrase “mine”, biting and
hitting. Two-year-olds aren’t ready to play with other kids. During
this time, I encourage parents to allow a child to behave “selfishly”
and not be forced to share. It’s just too hard for the child to
understand. Sharing is developmentally appropriate when a child is
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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closer to four years old. Trust that a child who has been allowed to
manage her own property will gladly share later on down the road.
Hitting and biting stem from a child’s frustration. Pre-verbal kids
tend to use physical contact as communication. Many kids hit out of
frustration. Aggression is normal at this age. It is important to
enforce no hitting or hurting rules but do it gently and lovingly. It is
very confusing for a child if they are hit or hurt while being taught to
avoid the same behavior.
So, on that note, here are some setups to try for yourself:
Even though I want force my child to obey, I deeply and completely
love and accept myself.
Even though I am so angry with my child for saying “no” all the
time…
Even though I am embarrassed by my child’s temper tantrums…
Even though I feel out of control of my child…
Even though I feel frustrated that my child keeps having potty
accidents…
Even though I am tired of carrying around bags of wet clothes…
Even though I am angry with my child for not toilet training…
Even though I am tired of timing our visits to the toilet…
Even though I’m frustrated when my child says they don’t have to
pee, and I KNOW that they do…
Even though I’m tired because my child won’t sleep…
Even though I’m angry with my child for not napping…
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Even though I miss MY quiet time in the afternoon and I need some
time to myself…
Even though my kid’s “selfishness” embarrasses me…
Even though I’m afraid other people will think I’m a bad parent if I
don’t force my child to share…
Even though I think I’m a bad parent because my child hits/bites…
Here are some setups to try with your child. You may have to do
these surrogately when the child is sleeping.
Even though I am angry when I have to do things I don’t want to, I
am a great kid.
Even though I am frustrated when I can’t do what I want to do…
Even though I am frustrated that I am not big enough to do some of
the things I want to do…
Even though I keep having potty accidents…
Even though I am embarrassed when I have a potty accident…
Even though I don’t want to stop playing to go potty…
Even though I can’t always tell when I need to go potty…
Even though I’m tired but I don’t want to take a nap…
Even though I’m grumpy because I’m tired…
Even though I don’t want to share…
Even though I hit when I’m mad…
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Even though I bite when I’m mad…
Even though I don’t like it when other kids come close to my toys…
Four Year Olds:
I love four-year-olds. Four-year-olds are the bread and butter of my
parent education practice. Most of my parenting classes are filled
with anxious parents of four-year-olds.
Remarkable brain changes occur somewhere around the fourth year.
This is the time when the part of the brain that puts words to feelings,
the limbic system, begins to develop. This development gives the
child a whole new range of abilities. Four year olds become
remarkable social creatures. They experiment with emotions,
imagination, pretend play and rules. Because their imaginative
abilities increase so dramatically during this time, four year olds lie
and sometimes believe their own lies! (Relax, they will develop a
conscience by the age of seven and won’t make good liars after that.)
Four-year-olds can act moody and they enjoy experimenting with the
full range of human emotions. Never let a four-year-old cry in front
of a mirror! They can entertain themselves endlessly with a long
series of sad faces. Four is a wonderful time to teach children about
emotions and how to express them!
Four-year-olds can act bossy and then turn around and behave kindly
toward their friends, often within the same minute! Four year olds
love and hate their friends, then want to spend all their time with their
friends, or alone, or with friends, or alone…
Four-year-olds develop many fears. They commonly have
nightmares, fear of the dark, fear of monsters, fear of death and fears
of being orphaned, to name a few.
Four-year-olds are perfectionists. Often if they feel that they have
made a mistake, they want to do everything over again, from the
beginning, even if you are running late…
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Four year olds love potty language. They embrace phrases like “poo-
poo”, “pee-pee”, “fart”, and take great pride in learning how to burp,
the louder the better. They also like to stick the word “head” onto any
other word they can. Some examples include broccoli-head, poo-poo
head, donkey-head, baseball-head, kitty-cat-head, etc. Use your
imagination. I promise you your four-year-old will use hers!
The most common complaint that I encounter with parents of four-
year-olds is the sudden onset of attitude. Four-year-olds are tough and
THEY KNOW EVERYTHING. And they don’t have to do what you
say (or at least they think they don’t). It makes for an interesting
year!
What makes four especially challenging is that four-year-olds aren’t
as cute as two-year-olds so they can’t get away with as much as they
did when they were younger. And many of them have grown too big
for you to physically remove them from the room, with dignity at
least. So, you must match wits with these dynamic, creative creatures.
And you better make sure you walk your talk because four year olds
spend a lot of time examining the rules and if the rules don’t seem
fair, they probably won’t adhere to them!
The developmental task of the four-year-old is to integrate their own
separate sense of identity and to begin to implement this identity into
the world around them. If you are the parent of a young adolescent,
you may see a lot of similarities in the behavior of a four-year-old and
a young teen. Their developmental tasks are the same and they share
some of the same attributes.
Patience and emotional teflon are the greatest tools for the parent of a
four-year-old. It is vital that you not give too much attention to the
wild fluctuations of a four-year-old. If you refrain from reacting, and
gently remind the four-year-old that potty talk is to be done in the
bathroom, then the behavior will probably go away sooner. If you
spend a lot of time shaming the child and focusing on the negative
behavior, you will only be reinforcing the behavior and making it last
longer.
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Here are some setups to try for yourself:
Even though I know my four year old is lying to me and I’m worried
about her future, and I’m afraid she will develop into a criminal
anti-social monster, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Even though I am angry with my child for lying…
Even though I feel stupid because my child denies that she is lying
and I know she is…
Even though I am tired of all my child’s emotions…
Even though I am frustrated with my child’s dramatic actions…
Even though I am tired of my child’s moodiness…
Even though I am worried about all my child’s fears…
Even though my child’s endless fears annoy me…
Even though I am frustrated that we are running late and my four-
year-old has to start getting ready all over again because she didn’t
do it “right”…
Even though I am embarrassed by my four-year-olds choice in
clothing…
Even though I think I will go crazy if I hear the word “poo-poo”
again…
Even though I want to wash my child’s mouth out with soap…
Even though I am embarrassed by my child’s language…
Even though I feel challenged by my child’s attitude…
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Even though I feel guilty for wanting to sell my four-year-old…
Even though I feel guilty about how my four-year-old treats other
children…
Children by the age of four can easily master EFT. If fact, they love it
because it gives them power to control themselves. Teach them to
surrogate tap for others and it will double their pleasure!
Here are some setups to try with your child:
Even though I have these big feelings, I am a great kid.
Even though I feel very sad…
Even though I feel very angry…
Even though I feel very frustrated…
Even though I am scared of the (fill in the blank)…
Even though I am scared I might die…
Even though I am scared my Mom and Dad might die…
Even though I get frustrated when I don’t do things right…
Even though I can’t stop saying “poo-poo”…
Even though my friends make me angry…
Even though I feel lonely…
Even though I want to be alone…
Even though I don’t want to (fill in the blank)…
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Six to Nine Years:
I like to refer to this age as the honeymoon in parenting. Six to nine-
year-olds are dynamically creative. They love to play pretend,
experimenting with archetypal roles. These kids love to act out the
roles of Superman, Spiderman, vets, doctors and various heroes and
heroines.
Except for a few bumps related to school (see EFT and Self-Esteem)
most kids this age have an easier time than your typical four-year-old
does.
As they get closer to seven, their ability to verbalize their feelings,
practice effective conflict resolution, and take care of the people
around them increases. Friends are very important to kids this age
and many kids develop “best” friendships. Supporting and
encouraging these friendships is important. Kids are practicing
opening their hearts and being intimate with each other. This is a time
for secrets, clubs and make believe.
Sometimes kids this age each tease and form cliques. This can be
very painful for the recipient of the teasing. Please see the section on
EFT and Teasing for more information. If your child teases others,
help them see their behavior from the other child’s point of view.
Kids this age have a strong ability to empathize.
Around this age kids begin to develop a conscience. You must model
and discuss morality and ethics. If your child employs hurtful
behavior, appeal to his conscience and help him understand the
possible effects that hurting can have on others. This is a great time to
teach children about world peace and prayer. These kids want to do
good for the world!
Enjoy this time! Breathe deep and relish each moment. Don’t push
kids this age to grow up too fast. They don’t really need much,
especially with a day full of school. These guys still need lots of free
time, time to play in the mud, swing until sunset and climb trees.
Limit the number of scheduled, structured activities they partake in.
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Read together, go for nature walks, paint and enjoy. They will be
grown faster than you expect.
Pre-teens:
Fasten your seatbelt! If you are currently the parent of a pre-teen then
you know you are in for big changes! Pre-teens resemble four-year-
olds. They want a lot of conflicting things at the same time. Pre-teens
are positioning themselves to begin breaking away from you, and they
often feel ambivalent about it. Not only are they struggling with their
independence, but they are also dealing with hormonal and body
changes as well as changes in the way they relate socially. Many pre-
teens experience their first crushes and love relationships as well as
deepening friendships that can profoundly influence their perception
of reality.
Pre-teens giggle. And they can’t help it. They giggle together. They
giggle on the phone. If they spend the night together, they can giggle
all night. The hormones released during this developmental phase
causes giggling, and mood swings and unexplained crying fits.
Recently my eleven-year-old was packing to go on a four-day
camping trip to Arkansas. He was very excited about going. The
afternoon before he was leaving he was upstairs in his room packing.
He disappeared for quite a while so I went up to check on him.
Imagine my surprise when I found him with his head under his bed
and his growing feet sticking out in the middle of the room!
When I asked him if he was okay, he pulled his head out from under
the bed and I could see that he was crying. He had such a confused
look on his face. With a half-smile half-sob he told me that he didn’t
really know why he was crying, he just was. I nodded my head, gave
him a hug, asked him if he wanted to tap (NO!) and left the room with
a grin on my face.
Of course, I surrogate tapped for him outside his closed door.
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Pre-teens experience a huge surge in brain development. This may
make them seem somewhat neurologically disorganized. These kids
can seem forgetful or even a little spacey.
Pre-teens can be extremely egocentric. Everything seems to be about
them. They sometimes need assistance in seeing things from different
points of view, especially yours.
It is common for pre-teens to tease younger siblings and to not be as
tolerant of them. At the same time, they can be very protective of
younger siblings, particularly if something happens to them outside of
the family. (See the section on EFT and Teasing.)
Pre-teens can engage in power struggles quite frequently. It is
important that you provide them with appropriate ways to have power
and treat them respectfully. Like four-year-olds, they are watching
your every move so it is vital that you act with integrity around kids
this age. If you feel out of control with frustration, remove yourself
from the situation and tap until you can model the behavior you
expect from your child.
If you have issues relating to sexuality or perhaps memories of the
discomfort of your own budding body, these may pop up for you as
you watch your child’s body bloom and grow. This is not a time for
embarrassment or fear about talking to your children about the
changes that their bodies are experiencing. Your pre-teen will have
enough concerns for both of you.
EFT is a great tool to help you with any discomfort that you may feel
addressing your child’s questions. Open and honest exchange of
information is vital for kids this age. If you don’t have “the talk” with
them, I promise you they will have “the talk” with their friends. Who
do you want your children to learn from?
Pre-teens may need to sleep more. They are not lazy. The body can
only release growth hormones during sleep. Because of the rapid rate
of growth in their bodies, these kids have to sleep more. And you
may have to help them recognize their growing need for sleep.
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Many parents begin to experience the first stages of grief for our
children as they reach this age. This is the beginning of letting go.
These kids are developing adult bodies, their friends seem more
important to them than parents (and they kind of are…), and they are
taking on new challenges and new roles. For many of us, this is the
beginning of the realization that these kids will be growing up and
leaving us.
EFT can help this be a time of celebration for you and your child!
Here are some EFT setups that may be helpful during this time:
Even though all this giggling is driving me crazy, I deeply and
completely love and accept myself.
Even though my child’s moodiness is annoying…
Even though I feel bad for my child…
Even though I feel frustrated with my child because I have to tell
him things over and over…
Even though I am angry with my child for only thinking of
himself…
Even though my child resists everything I ask him to do…
Even though I am worried that my daughter is developing too fast…
Even though it is hard to see my little girl interested in boys…
Even though I feel uncomfortable talking to my son/daughter about
sex…
Even though I feel nervous talking to my son/daughter about the
changes that are going on with their bodies…
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Even though I was a late bloomer and it was hard for me…
Even though I am annoyed that my child is still asleep at noon on
Saturday…
Even though I am frustrated that my child is sleepy and listless all
the time…
Even though it is hard to let go of my child…
Even though I am going to miss my child…
Even though I am afraid to let my child go out into the world…
Even though I am afraid that my child can’t take care of herself…
Even though it is hard for me to let my child go, I now choose to
painlessly release her and celebrate her emerging independence!
Some setups to use with your child:
Even though I feel out of control of my feelings, I am a great kid.
Even though I feel sad and I don’t know why…
Even though I keep forgetting things…
Even though I feel like everyone is yelling at me…
Even though I have to do things I don’t want to do and it makes me
feel angry…
Even though everyone is treating me like a baby…
Even though I am worried about my body…
Even though I am not growing as fast as everyone else…
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Even though some of the changes in my body are scary…
Even though my body embarrasses me…
Even though I want to do things I’m not allowed to do…
Even though my friends want me to do things I don’t want to do…
Even though I don’t always know what to do…
Even though I feel left out…
Even though I am afraid that everybody hates me…
Even though boys pay attention to me and I don’t want them to…
HINT: WHEN IN DOUBT, TAP FOR YOURSELF FIRST,
THEN FOR YOUR CHILD
EFT and Self-Esteem
The health of a child’s self-esteem is one of the most crucial factors
influencing a child’s successes in school and in life. Children with
high self-esteem tend to do better in school, have stronger immune
systems, are less likely to experiment with drugs and alcohol as teens,
and become sexually active at a later age.
Some of the symptoms of low self-esteem include: poor grades,
excess weight, difficulty with friendships, anger and defiance,
moodiness, sleep problems, depression, and more. Some appear
obvious, while other are harder to identify.
Also, many of these symptoms typify normal milestones in the
development of a child. For example, it is developmentally normal
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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for four-year-olds and twelve-year-olds to act moody. It is also
common for four-year-olds to experience sleep problems and
nightmares.
I have found that there are two crucial times in a child’s life when
they tend to show the symptoms of low self-esteem. The first period
of time when a child is likely to suffer from low self-esteem is during
the first grade. Usually this occurs more with boys than girls.
In the first grade, children face a new set of challenges that they have
never before encountered. First grade is usually the first time a child
leaves from home the whole day. The days seem very long and for
many kids, it really is too long. More and more school districts have
eliminated from the academic day the free playtime that so essential
for the neurological development of the child. Many kids suffer
physically and emotionally from this lack of free time.
If you ask a four-year-old what he knows, he will very smartly tell
you that he knows everything. When children fully enter school, it
becomes profoundly clear to them that they, in fact, know very little.
First graders are surrounded by giant teachers and big kids and they
become keenly aware that they are the small fish in the pond. This
can have a hard effect on a child’s self esteem.
In the first grade, most children are taught reading and other higher
level academic skills. Contrary to popular belief, reading is not a
knowledge acquisition skill, rather it is a developmental task. What
that means is that children will learn to read easily when they are
developmentally ready to read. For most children this occurs around
the age of eight. Children can master reading at an earlier age but
they struggle with it, experiencing frustration, eyestrain and low self-
esteem.
Boys tend to be ready to read at a later age than girls are and I think it
is no coincidence that boys get diagnosed with a higher rate of
learning disabilities, in the public school system, than do girls. I
believe that teaching reading before readiness, coupled with lack of
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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adequate playtime, constitute the two most important causes of boys
acting out so much more than girls in school.
Not surprisingly, the second most common time to see self-esteem
disturbances in children is during the middle school years. Middle
school seems to affect girls more than boys although I think that this
may be an illusion. It seems to me that it is more culturally acceptable
for girls to talk about their feelings whereas boys have a tendency to
act out more.
Innumerable factors contribute to self-esteem issues in young
adolescents are. Some possibilities include body and hormonal
changes, academic performance, budding relationships and sexuality,
and the changing relationship that young teens have with their
families and with the world.
The scary part, from a parent’s perspective, is that low self-esteem
during young adolescence will manifest in self-destructive behavior
and bad choices. As parents we must stay tuned in to our kids during
this time, and we must prepared to doctor our childrens’ self-esteem if
need be. The Emotional Freedom Techniques provide some valuable
tools to help children with self-esteem issues.
THE IMPORTANCE MODELLING SELF-ESTEEM
Before you address any self-esteem issues with your child, I
encourage you to examine your own self-esteem. It is very hard for
children to know what high self-esteem is if they have never seen it
modeled. How do you present yourself to your children? Do you
respect yourself? Do you demand appropriate respect from your
family and the world around you? Do you set clear limits and
boundaries for yourself? Do you love your body?
These are important questions to address and think about. Most of us
have some kind of self-esteem issue. Don’t beat yourself up about it.
We all form some kind of belief system about ourselves, based on our
life experiences as we grow up, and inevitably most of us pick up a
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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limiting belief or two (or more). With EFT, we can start eliminating
these limiting beliefs.
So try some of these setups and see what kinds of issues these bring
up for you:
Even though I hate my body, I deeply and completely love and
accept myself.
Even though I’m not good at math…
Even though I can’t write…
Even though I am shy and hate speaking out…
Even though I am impatient…
Even though I don’t deserve time to myself…
Even though I don’t make time for myself a priority…
Even though I don’t have a college degree…
Even though I don’t make a lot of money…
These are just a few to get you started. Try the ones that resonate for
you and see what some of your triggers for your self-esteem issues
might be. You may be surprised that you have a lot more in common
with your child than you think!
If you think that you have self-esteem issues, take the opportunity to
address these issues together with your child. This is a great chance to
talk about how important self-esteem and positive self-talk are for
achieving success in life. Make an agreement to address self-esteem
issues together and “police” your self-talk together. Monitor the
words and actions that you take and reflect on how these speak to the
state of your self-esteem.
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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If your child is willing, use EFT together to tap on self-esteem issues.
Some sample setups include:
Even though I’m not good at math, I am a great kid.
Even though I’m not good at P.E….
Even though I hate school…
Even though I am shy…
Even though I have a hard time making friends…
Even though I feel uncomfortable about my growing body…
Even though I hate my body…
Even though other kids tease me…
Again, these are just a few examples. Work with your child and
create your own setups that work for you!
In addition to addressing your own self-esteem and working with your
child, I urge you to consider any limiting beliefs that you may have
about your child. Children will rise to meet our level of expectation.
If we believe that a child is difficult, or bad at math, or illogical or
emotional, then we will spend our time collecting “data” to support
our belief system. Our words, actions and energy related to our belief
system will be communicated on some level to our child.
REMEMBER THIS: What YOU believe about your child has a
profound effect on his or her self-esteem.
I would venture to say that what YOU believe about a child has more
power than what he believes about himself. Until the age of four or
five, in fact, what YOU believe about your child determines what she
believes of herself. Babies, toddlers, and young children cannot
distinguish between their own beliefs and their parents’ beliefs
because their own beliefs stem directly from the parents. Children
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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have no beliefs of their own until they begin to separate from the
parents.
Your self-esteem, therefore, impacts your child’s self-esteem
tremendously. Tap for your child, and with your child, and
PLEASE…tap for yourself. In raising your self-esteem you give your
child a priceless gift.
Use EFT to help you rewrite any limiting beliefs that you may have
about your child (our yourself):
Even though my child isn’t good in school, I deeply and completely
love and accept my child and myself.
Even though my child doesn’t make friends easily…
Even though my child has a funny body…
Even though my child inherited my behind and my thighs…
Even though my child is uncooperative and has to be told things
over and over…
Even though my child is rebellious…
Even though my child is just like her father…
I encourage you to tap on these (and any other setups you may come
up with) by your child’s bed at night when they are asleep. It is so
hard to harbor any limiting beliefs about a child when they are
peacefully slumbering. Look at their beautiful baby face, connect
deeply with the profound love you feel for this little person and tap.
You will be amazed at how simply doing this one exercise will
dramatically improve your child’s self-esteem.
We all deserve to love ourselves unconditionally! Tap away! Be
free!
Joyful Mission Family Coaching
2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
43
EFT and Surrogate Tapping
Okay, here is the part of EFT that gets weird(er). If I hadn’t
experienced this for myself, I would never have believed that it
worked! Are you ready for this? Here goes:
You can pretend to be somebody else and use EFT for them and it still
works! (In fact, this even works on animals, see www.animalEFT.org
for more details).
If someone is not willing or able to tap for themselves, you can simply
pretend to be that person, tap on your own body and do EFT for them.
What a powerful healing tool this can be for parents!
I tried surrogate tapping one day out of desperation. My youngest son
has a very intense personality. When he was around four years old he
had many emotional meltdowns, as most four-year-olds do. On this
particular day, he had had several meltdowns and I had become quite
frustrated with his behavior.
At one point, in order to save his little life, I retreated into my
bedroom to regroup my energy (and to keep from putting a FOR
SALE sign on his back and sending him up the road). My son
followed me and started to kick me. Naturally, I guided him out of
my room, shut the door and locked it. He proceeded to bang and kick
on the door to the point where I was concerned that he would kick a
hole in the door.
I was tempted to throw the door open and put an immediate stop to his
banging but I knew that I was now beyond the point where I could
respond effectively as a parent. I knew that if I opened that door, I
would probably spank my son. I had spanked this child before out of
desperation and it NEVER helped anything. When spanked, he would
never cry, but would just look at me with disdain and disgust that I
had sunk to such a low level of response.
Not knowing what to do next, I began to tap on my own anger and
frustration until I got myself to a calmer place. Through all this, my
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son kept banging on the door. So, I imagined that I was my son and
got emotionally in touch with all of his frustration and anger. Then I
began to tap for him using my own body. With just two rounds, the
banging on the door subsided.
After a moment, my son quietly asked if he could come in. I opened
the door, picked him up and we settled into our favorite rocking chair,
looking out over the treetops in our backyard. We snuggled and
rocked without talking for a good thirty minutes. After emotionally
regrouping, we were then able to discuss the day’s events and how we
could both change some of our responses in the future.
I don’t know why or how this whole process worked but it has worked
for me so many times since then that I can not deny its effectiveness.
Not only does EFT and surrogate EFT eliminate the intense negative
feelings that you can experience as parents but it somehow enhances
the emotional bond between you and your child. I have experienced
the most loving emotions for my children after using EFT. Feeling
and remembering this love for my children has assisted me in being so
much more effective with my teaching and with my discipline. These
emotions have also helped me connect profoundly with my own joy
and delight at being a mother, even when there are dishes in the sink
and a severe shortage of clean underwear!
I have since used surrogate EFT for many issues. I like to go into my
children’s rooms and tap for them while they are asleep, especially
when I know that they have a challenging event coming up in the next
day. I have surrogate tapped for their physical and emotional pain, self
esteem issues, for nightmares, for grief and for stress relief.
I also tap for my children surrogately when they refuse to tap for
themselves. Sometimes, it is developmentally normal for your child
to resist you when you know that tapping will help them. This is
especially true if the child has serious reversal on an issue, meaning
that they would rather maintain the problem than get over it.
For example, my oldest daughter sometimes has trouble setting firm
boundaries with her friends. She tends to let others walk all over her
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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feelings, or dictate terms of play to her. This is a chronic issue for her
and not surprisingly, she is unwilling to tap on it. It might have
something to do with a fear of alienating friends. Regardless of the
reason, it results in frustration when other kids abuse her kindness.
So, I surrogate tap for her on this issue. I’ve had many occasions now
when I tapped for this exact issue for her and the next day she
expressed cognitive shifts in her perception of the situation between
her and the friend. In other words, she felt willing to set better
boundaries and actually changed her behavior in order to do that.
The steps for surrogate tapping are simple:
1. Tap on your own emotional involvement first. Make sure that you
are emotionally detached before you go to the next step.
2. With your mind, imagine that you are your child and “tune in” to
their emotional issue.
3. When you can “feel” that you “are” your child, begin tapping for
them. Use the following setup to start with:
I am (child’s name), and even though I have (this problem), I
deeply and completely accept myself.
4. Continue tapping until it feels right to stop.
If you are dealing with a chronic problem, I encourage you to tap for
your child at night when you are by their bedside. But don’t feel
limited to this.
I have even surrogate tapped for people who were in a different State
or another part of the world I have seen results. If your child does not
object, tap for him in his presence. If tapping for him embarrasses
him, go in the other room and see if you can surrogate tap there.
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Be mindful of how it feels to tap for another person. If you feel
resistance or it just somehow doesn’t feel good to tap for someone,
don’t do it. It is important that you get permission to tap for someone
else. I believe that if you feel resistance then on an unconscious level
the other person is denying you permission to tap for them. If that
happens, check your level of emotional attachment then bless the
other person and lovingly release them to the consequences of their
choices.
This process of surrogate tapping works for animals as well. Just
“become” your pet, insert their name in the setup and tap away!
EFT and Bedtime
Do you dread the end of the day because you fight with your kids over
bedtime? Do your kids come to you for endless cup after cup of water
after you’ve already tucked them in several times? Do your kids
suddenly develop malnutrition and starvation every night at 8:00 p.m.
in spite of having had a nice dinner an hour earlier? Are you
blackmailed into reading 20 Clifford the Big Red Dog books until you
have to prop your eyelids open with toothpicks? Have no fear, help is
at hand!
Bedtime struggles are one of the biggest challenges facing most
parents. Even though this may seem like a simple problem, bedtime
struggles are usually a symptom of greater issues in your parenting
relationship with your child. Making a commitment to tackle bedtime
takes a lot of energetic reserves on the part of the parent and lots of
patience and understanding. So, before you tackle bedtime issues,
make sure that you have had an opportunity to nurture yourself first!
Bedtime is a very important time for children of all ages. Bedtime
brings closure to the day. It is a wonderful time to discuss the day and
look at some of the issues your child may have had that day. It is time
for snuggles, back rubs, quiet reading and songs.
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Even older kids need a gentle bedtime. If you have a pre-teen or even
an older teen, you will be surprised at how much they still appreciate a
back rub or even a snuggle. Often with an older child you don’t have
to do or even say anything. Just laying with your child in silence
opens a gateway to communication. I usually advise parents to simply
listen and say uh-huh as your teen spills her guts to you before she
goes to sleep. I have had the best conversations with my eleven-year-
old son right at bedtime! It’s almost as if he needs the quiet darkness
to process his day and all of his thoughts about the universe before he
falls asleep.
The biggest obstacle to having a peaceful bedtime is lack of self-care
on the part of the parents. Have you ever noticed that when you need
a break the most, you experience the worst bedtime fights? This then
starts a vicious cycle that I call the Slam-Dunk Cycle.
When you experience the Slam-Dunk Cycle, you slam-dunk your kids
into bed because you desperately need a break from your routine and
you want to watch the movie you rented, or your favorite television
show, and you want to start watching it sometime BEFORE midnight.
Your kids, sensing that your attention is focused elsewhere, get up
(repeatedly) because they need a drink of water, have to go to the
bathroom, want you to read one more story, feel scared because the
room is too dark and there’s a monster under their bed, etc…. You
then slam-dunk them back into bed until they cry themselves to sleep.
An then you feel guilty. Sound familiar?
A child’s need for attention is like a little cup. Throughout the course
of the day, you fill the little cup up and your child walks away feeling
important and loved. If we fill our children’s cups on a regular basis,
their need to get inappropriate attention decreases and they generally
will ask for normal attention. Consequently, bedtime for kids with
full cups is a lot easier. They fall asleep with their attention needs
filled.
But, when our own needs for self-care and nourishment are not met, it
becomes very difficult for us to fill your kids’ cups. Makes sense,
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right? How can you give something that you yourself don’t have?
When kids have empty cups, they find inappropriate ways to get their
attention needs filled. Misbehavior is a wonderful way to get
inappropriate attention. It may not be positive attention but to most
kids any kind of attention is better than no attention at all.
So, the very first step that I encourage you to take if you are dealing
with bedtime issues is to make sure that you are taking good care of
yourself first! See the section about EFT and Self Care for some ideas
and setups.
Once your needs for self-care are met, then it is time to address your
children’s needs. Bedtime is a wonderful time to fill your child’s
attention cup. Make sure that you are creating enough time in your
evening for bedtime. Make bedtime routine and consistent. It needs
to be the same everyday. You and your children need to know what
to expect. Be firm and kind about enforcing the routine. If your child
refuses to cooperate, carry out the routine without them and when it is
truly time for their bodies to be in bed, gently and lovingly carry them
to bed.
Odds are, the first time you do this you will have to gently and firmly
carry your screaming child back to bed several times until they know
that you are serious. This is a wonderful time to experience what I
call Tag-Team Parenting. When your patience starts to run out and
you feel like duct-taping your child into their bed, turn this part of the
process over to your partner while you go do EFT:
Even though I feel like duct-taping my child in bed, I deeply and
completely love and accept myself.
Even though I want to run away and never come back…
Even though my child’s screaming makes me feel guilty…
Even though I feel like spanking my child…
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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For most kids, it takes three days of firm limit setting before they
happily understand the new routine. Each day that you enforce the
limits, the struggles should get shorter. Rest assured, there are some
kids with more stamina who will take more than three days to adjust,
but hold firm in your expectations. Establishing a routine will make
things much better in the long run!
Make your bedtime routines soothing and calming. My Dear
Husband has. Use aromatherapy, back rubs, peaceful stories or even
some quiet time with a candle (blow it out with your child to
symbolize the sun setting and the end of the day) to get your child
(and yourself) into a calm place before they go to bed.
Most kids, especially around the ages of 3-6, have fears about the dark
and nightmares. These fears are developmentally normal but
disturbing to both you and your child. I have had a lot of success with
using EFT for nightmares and fears with my own children. My oldest
son, in particular, had a lot of problems with nightmares for several
years. Tapping gave him power over his fear and worked very well
for him.
Before you tap for fear and nightmares with your kids, make sure that
you have tapped on your own fears and worries first. When our
children have nightmares, it hurts us as parents because we want to
stop our children’s fears. Secondly, if you repeatedly have to get up
in the middle of the night or if you have a restless, frightened child in
your bed every night, you can start to lose our patience.
Even though I’m worried about my child’s nightmares, I deeply and
completely love and accept myself.
Even though I feel bad that my child has to suffer through this…
Even though I am tired of explaining that there is no monster under
the bed…
Even though I am frustrated that nothing seems to stop my child’s
nightmares…
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Even though I am tired of getting up in the middle of the night…
Even though I am annoyed that my child keeps coming into my
bed…
After you have tapped on your own emotional issues relating to your
child’s nightmares, you can then begin to tap with your child. I
encourage you to tap before your child goes to sleep and then, of
course, if your child has a bad dream or wakes up frightened in the
middle of the night:
Even though I am scared of the dark, I am a great kid.
Even though I am scared of my closet…
Even though I think there is something scary under my bed…
Even though I am afraid to be alone…
Even though I am afraid to go to sleep because I might have a bad
dream…
Even though I keep dreaming about monsters…
Even though I had a scary dream…
Just one more quick note on bedtime…There are so many “expert”
opinions on what are the “right” sleeping circumstances. I have
worked with so many parents who feel guilty because their children
sleep with them in their beds for several years, or parents who feel
guilty because they just don’t get any sleep with their kids in their
bed. I truly believe that there is no right or wrong in this situation. In
truth, most kids will want to sleep in their own rooms by the time they
are seven or eight years old. And, kids learn to handle their fears no
matter where they sleep.
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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A good night’s rest makes for better parenting. Do whatever works
best for you.
EFT and Boredom
As I write this, it is summer time and my four kids are languishing
with boredom. At least once a day one of the comes to me and whines
those famous words that make a parent cringe, “I’m bored, Mama.
There’s nothing to do.”
Now, I have witnessed some pretty interesting ways to resolve
boredom in my house. One of my children thinks its very exciting to
poke his little sister and make her shriek loud enough to shatter all the
windows. Another child thinks that I am the only solution to her
boredom so she sits next to me while I am working and sings at the
top of her lungs until I stop what I am doing and play with her. Of
course, we also have the obvious boredom stoppers, TV and computer
games.
I have also noticed that when I encourage my kids to push past their
boredom, they begin to understand that boredom is really a creative
opportunity (boy do they groan when I remind them of that…). Right
now all four of my children are huddled together in one of the
bedrooms planning to pool their financial resources and purchase
some new Legos to add to their ongoing Lego Star Wars game. Over
the course of the summer the kids have designed and built a series of
intergalactic ships that fly on a series of missions to save the universe.
I believe that if my kids had not experienced a touch of boredom, they
would never have allowed themselves to stretch beyond their limiting
beliefs about what is “fun”. Feeling bored gave them an opportunity
to think “outside of the box” about what they wanted to create for
themselves. Stretching and going beyond limits is what growing is all
about! Here are some EFT setups to help you support your children
through boredom:
(Do these for yourself first!)
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Even though my kids are bored, I deeply and completely love and
accept myself.
Even though I feel annoyed by my kid’s boredom…
Even though I want to find something for my kids to do, I now
choose to give them the gift of boredom and support them in finding
their own creative solutions to their boredom.
(For your kids)
Even though I’m bored and I don’t know what to do, I am a great
kid.
Even though there is nothing to do…
Even though this house is boring…
Even though all my toys are boring…
Even though it is too hot to go outside…
Even though I don’t know what to do, I know I’m creative and how
to make my own fun!
EFT and Car Sickness
When I was a kid, my brother used to gross me out every time we
took a car trip. He was always carsick. And, he would never tell us
when he was feeling sick. All he would do was emit a weird little
whine and then be sick all over the back seat. I was soon conditioned
enough to that weird little whine that whenever I heard it, I would
duck and cover, so to speak. My mother learned to yank my brother
out of the back seat at light speed and deposit his retching body
swiftly onto the side of the road.
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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So far, as a mother, I have been fairly lucky in the car sickness
department. Of course, I have spent most of my mothering years in
Texas where there are no hills or curvy roads. But, I do have one
child that gets queasy every once and a while.
EFT is a wonderful tool to help with carsickness. If you have a child
who is prone to carsickness, first tap on the potential of getting sick
before you actually leave your driveway:
Even though I usually get car sick, I am still a great kid.
Even though I’m afraid I’ll get carsick…
Even though curvy roads make me sick…
Even though I usually get car sick, I choose to have a peaceful ride
without throwing up.
You can teach your child to tap for their carsickness if they develop
symptoms on the road. You can try to surrogate tap for them as well
but please keep your hands on the steering wheel!
Even though I feel like I’m going to throw up, I am still a great kid.
Even though my tummy hurts…
Even though all these curves make me queasy…
Even though I feel sick to my stomach…
Throwing up can be a traumatic and even embarrassing experience for
some kids. If you need to do some posttraumatic tapping after the
fact, here are some setups to try:
Even though I’m embarrassed that I threw up, I’m still a great kid.
Even though I hate throwing up…
Even though throwing up makes me feel out of control…
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Even though vomit is gross…
Take these setups on the road with you (and, of course, bring a change
of clothes and baggies) and may your travels be vomit free!
P.S. You can try these setups for morning sickness, too:
Even though everything I eat makes me sick, I deeply and
completely love and accept myself.
Even though I feel sick all the time…
Even though I know I need to eat but food makes me queasy…
Even though I’m afraid to eat because I know I’ll just feel sick
again…
Remember that morning sickness is a good indicator that your
pregnancy is healthy! Hopefully it will pass quickly!
EFT and Messy Rooms
One of the most common complaints that parents have is about the
state of their child’s bedroom. If you are like most parents, you are an
expert at walking around and over large pointed plastic obstacles.
You probably have devised numerous systems to help your child
organize their things and have chanted the mantra, “ Put the toy you
are playing with away before you get another toy out” at least a
hundred times! But, to no avail.
One of my favorite questions to ask myself when dealing with any
parenting issue is “Whose problem is it?” Messy rooms give us such
an opportunity to evaluate this statement. If your child’s room is a
wreck, whose problem is it, yours or your child’s? The answer will be
different for all of you.
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Sometimes a child’s room is a mess because they have too many
things. Children really don’t need a lot of things to play with. In fact,
the fewer, more open-ended toys that they have, the more chances the
kids get to experiment with their imagination. Some great open-ended
toys include: large silk scarves, wooden blocks, simple cars, Legos, a
doll, a stuffed animal, baskets, a tea set, and more… I always find it
amusing that, especially for younger kids, the box a toy comes in
entertains the child for more than the actual toy.
We tend to accumulate things (toys) out of guilt. Many of the toys my
children have were given to them by family members. Even though I
don’t like some of the toys, I feel guilty getting rid of them because I
don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. We also tend to buy things for
our kids when we feel guilty about our parenting. If you travel a lot,
have been busy or emotionally preoccupied, or are just somehow not
feeling good about your parenting, it is easier to deal with your own
anxiety by buying your kids a toy.
Sometimes, it is just plain difficult to say “no” to a child when we
don’t have the emotional reserves to stand our ground. I can’t tell you
how many times I have surrendered my ideals in the Wal-Mart toy
department in an effort to divert a child from a full-blown tantrum.
Trying to help your child master the madness in his room can be a
challenge to even the most sane of parents. It is important, first of all,
to have developmentally appropriate expectations for your child.
Children under the age of seven can’t be expected to pick up their
stuff all by themselves.
Although it isn’t necessary for you to actually pick up their things
with them, it is important that you help them plan their picking up
strategy. A big mess easily overwhelms small children (and I bet you
do too!). Help them break the task into manageable step such as,
“First pick up the green Legos, now the yellow, then the blue.”
After the age of seven, it does become easier for children to pick up
by themselves but they still may need some organizational assistance.
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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I encourage you to involve the child in organizing their own room and
creating a system of picking up for themselves. Older children
understand categories and classification. Have fun together creating
an orderly system.
Adolescent children will have different room issues. As personal
power is a major developmental milestone for teens, allowing them to
create and maintain their own space the way they want it is vital. Of
course, you can set guidelines and limits such as, no food in your
room, or, clothes that make it to the laundry basket will get washed.
However, I strongly encourage you to develop a relatively hands off
policy when it comes to room maintenance with teens. Practice
closing the door and affirming that one-day this child will live in an
immaculate house!
Of course, EFT can help you maintain your sanity and stay detached
from the messy room issue. Here are some setups for you to try:
Even though my child’s messy room drives me nuts, I deeply and
completely love and accept myself.
Even though I feel overwhelmed by my child’s mess…
Even though I feel guilty forcing my child to get rid of some of her
toys…
Even though I feel guilty getting rid of toys my mother bought for
the kids…
Even though I feel guilty saying “no” to my child in Wal-Mart…
Even though I don’t have the emotional reserves to handle a
tantrum in Wal-Mart…
Even though I am afraid I won’t find my teenager in the middle of
the mess in his room…
Even though I feel like burning my child’s room…
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Even though I’m burned out on cleaning my child’s room…
Even though it’s hard for me to let go of my need for my child to
have a clean room…
Even though I hate closing my child’s bedroom door because I
know that the mess still exists behind the door…
EFT and Physical Pain
EFT is remarkably easy and effective to use for physical pain. Use
the following protocol for treating pain with EFT:
1. Rate your pain on a scale of 0-10, 0 being no pain and 10 being a
lot of pain. If you are tapping with your child, have them rate their
pain themselves. If they are too little to understand the pain scale,
have them show you how “big” their pain is with their hands. Of
course, if they are writhing in pain, you don’t have to have them
evaluate their pain. Just treat it. You’ll know when they feel
better.
2. Use the following setup for pain:
Even though I have this (physical pain and location on the body),
I am still a great kid!
Example: Even though I have this pain in my tummy, I am still a
great kid.
3. Tap the EFT sequence.
4. Evaluate the pain.
5. If the pain is still present, tap again and use the following setup:
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Even though I still have this (physical pain and location on the
body), I am still a great kid!
6. Re-evaluate the pain. Sometimes physical pain will change
location until it leaves the body. Change the setup to reflect the
new body pain location. Keep tapping until the pain is gone.
Don’t be surprised if there is an emotional issue that comes up when
you are tapping for physical pain. I have found that most of our
physical pain, especially chronic pain, is related to an emotional issue.
Children tend to carry their emotional pain in their tummies and
heads. Headaches and tummy aches are common manifestations of
anxiety and stress in children. Address the physical symptoms and
then address the emotional issues!
EFT and Teasing
Many children are victims of teasing, especially in early childhood.
Being teased can create a vicious cycle for kids. The more they get
teased, the more they react. The more they react, the more they get
teased, and so on. EFT helps kids get out of the teasing cycle. I
believe that once a child changes his energetic response to teasing, he
becomes a less likely target for teasing. By becoming immune to
teasing, kids gain power. And, powerful children don’t get teased.
Here are some setups to use with a child who is being teased. Be sure
that you are tapping on your own issues first. It is very hard to get out
of wanting to rescue a child who is being teased.
Even though I feel sad because the other kids called me stupid, I am
a powerful kid!
Even though I’m angry because they said I was a girl…
Even though I hate school because the other kids call me names…
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
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Even though I’m scared to go to school because the other kids are
mean to me…
Even though I don’t think I can stop the other kids from teasing
me…
Even though I don’t feel safe at school…
Even though I feel hurt because the other kids laugh at me…
Once kids can get past their emotional pain related to being teased,
they can find creative solutions to handling teasing at school or at
home.
I strongly encourage parents of kids who are being teased to practice
using affirmations with their child. An affirmation is simply a
positive statement that your child can use to bolster his self-esteem.
Some examples include:
I am a powerful person.
No matter what anyone says or does, I am still a great person.
I am strong, brave and wonderful!
I have a lot of friends who love me and respect me!
I am loved and protected by God and my angels.
Sometimes I teach kids who get teased to create an imaginary animal
spirit to travel with them to take care of them when they get into
uncomfortable situations. My youngest son is very sensitive and just
seems to know when someone doesn’t like him. He has an imaginary
white dragon named Winter who travels with him and “smoothes
things out for him” when the going gets tough. Winter is a great
friend who gives my son profound messages of support and love. I
know that one day this imaginary friend will be integrated into his
subconscious where Winter will continue to broadcast powerful
messages of unconditional love!
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2002 Karen Curry www.joyfulmission.com
60
If your child is the one doing the teasing, it is important that you also
address this child and his behavior. Kids who tease often hurt others
because they themselves feel over-powered or out of control of some
aspect of their life. Contrary to popular belief, children are not cruel
by nature. It is NOT normal for children to hurt other children.
Because I hold firm to the tenet that EFT is good for everything, I
encourage you to tap with the teasing child to get to the root cause of
their behavior.
Even though I feel like teasing Johnny, I am still a great kid.
Even though I hurt Johnny’s feelings…
Even though teasing makes be feel big…
Even though it’s fun to tease people…
Even though I make fun of John because he’s better than me in
math…
Sometimes kids tease other kids when they feel angry, out of control
or are suffering from low self-esteem. You may have to play parent
detective to find the source of your child’s need to tease.
Use empathy and encourage your child to see teasing from the other
person’s point of view. This works both for the teaser and the
recipient of the teasing. A child who is encouraged to engage their
conscience in evaluating their own behavior may learn a wonderful
lesson. Children who gain an understanding into the possible
motivation of a perpetrator can also learn about empathy and
forgiveness!
EFT and World Peace
Kids often feel powerless to change the world around them. Many
kids are only too aware of the issues facing the world and are anxious
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to do some good. EFT offers kids an opportunity to take part in
shifting mass consciousness for the better.
Although I am an advocate of carefully screening what children are
exposed to, I have found it impossible to hide my children away and
keep them from all the nasty things that happen in the world. Even
my four-year-old has been asking me lately about how God can create
such bad things.
These wonderful questions provide us with opportunities to teach
children about our own belief systems and values. With my four-
year-old I gently explained that we are hard-wired to be positive. God
doesn’t create bad things; people make choices with mistaken
motivations and information. Then we talk about how EFT can help
people remember the God spark inside themselves.
I also teach my children to surrogate tap for others and for Mother
Earth. Of course, you probably have experienced by now how
effective surrogate tapping can be. I can’t say for sure that when we
tap for someone continents away that we impact their lives. But I like
to think we do.
After tapping surrogately for others, my kids come up with glorious
ways to be of service. Surrogate tapping for the world helps my
children develop compassion and gratitude. Surrogate tapping
reminds them that we are all part of one huge electronic matrix and
when we tap into the matrix to “correct” mistakes and remove
glitches, we make the matrix stronger. It also helps my children
understand that until we are all free, none of us is truly free.
Here are some setups for world peace:
I am a hungry child and even though I don’t have enough to eat, I
am still a great kid.
I am a hurting child and even though I hurt, I am a great kid.
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I am the rain forest, and even though I am being cut down, I am still
magnificent.
I am a farmer with bad soil, even though I am scared about feeding
my family, I am a good man.
I am a child in a war and even though I am scared, I am still a great
kid.
If this idea excites you, here are some EFT setups for you to try on
your own:
I am a hungry mother and even though I can’t feed my children, I
now choose to know that God is unlimited supply.
I am a mother frightened for the safety of my children and even
though I am scared, I choose to know that we are Divinely protected.
I am a mother with a child who is hurting and even though I ache
for my child, I now choose to know that healing light and love
surrounds my child.
It is, of course, very easy for us to affirm these Truths for others. I
can only imagine how hard it would be to hold on to faith under such
trying circumstances. What a true honor it is to be able to stand in the
place of faith for someone who may be struggling with his or her own.
EFT and Bedwetting
Bedwetting can be such a frustrating and embarrassing problem for
both parents and children. Bedwetting has numerous etiologies
including (but never limited to) immature sleeping patterns, chemical
exposure, physical defects, and allergies.
Most kids can make it through the night by the time they are four
years old. Girls are usually a little earlier, boys a little later. During
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deep sleep states, immature brains can not wake a child to help them
get to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
Some parents try taking their child to the bathroom before they go to
bed, disallowing drinks of water after a certain time, and even waking
a child up to take them to the bathroom. I have found that these
attempts do sometimes work. But, for the most part, if a child’s brain
isn’t mature enough to come out of the deep sleep state then it doesn’t
really matter what you do, the child is going to wet the bed.
For some children bedwetting is a symptom of a physical exposure to
a chemical or food to which they are sensitive. In Dr. Doris Rapp’s
book, Is This Your Child? she states that bedwetting is one of the
most common symptom of a food or chemical allergy, dairy being the
most common offender.
If you suspect that your child may have a food or chemical sensitivity,
I encourage you to experiment with your child’s diet and see if you
can identify what may be triggering your child’s bedwetting. Odds
are if you have a child with a food or chemical sensitivity, you are
going to see many other symptoms as well including:
-an “addiction” to a certain food (The child wants it everyday.)
-hyperactivity after eating the food
-sleepiness after eating the food
-grumpiness or any other change in mood after eating the food
-red ears after exposure to the food
-red or runny nose after exposure to the food
-rings under the eyes after eating the food
-obvious signs of an allergic reaction; wheezing, itching, hives
(requires immediate medical attention!)
These symptoms, of course, apply to exposure to chemicals as well.
Many kids are sensitive to the perfumes and dyes in detergents and
soaps. Sleeping in clean, “freshly-scented” sheets may be triggering
an allergic reaction in your child. Try using detergents and soaps
without perfumes, dyes and sodium laurel/laureth sulfate.
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Of course, there are also emotional components related to bedwetting
for both the parents and the child. Here are some EFT setups to use
with yourself and your child:
Even though I am frustrated that my child won’t get out of bed and
go to the bathroom, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Even though I am tired of washing the sheets every day…
Even though I am tired of waking up and carrying my heavy
sleeping child to the bathroom…
Even though sometimes I think my child is willfully wetting the bed
and is too lazy to get up to go to the bathroom…
Even though I feel bad for my child and his embarrassment about
his bedwetting…
Even though I am nervous about sending my child to overnight with
his friend because I think he’ll get teased for wearing pull-ups…
For your child:
Even though I pee in the bed at night, I am still a great kid.
Even though I don’t wake up to go to the bathroom…
Even though I am worried every night that I might wet the bed…
Even though I am afraid that I might wet the bed at someone else’s
house…
Even though I am embarrassed to wear pull-ups…
Even though I don’t get up to pee in the night because I am afraid
of the dark…
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Even though I am embarrassed that I wet the bed…
Even though I can’t help wetting the bed, I now choose to wake up
and go the bathroom if I need to in the middle of the night.
EFT and Discipline
I’m just going to jump right in here and start kind of in the middle and
then work my way back. I have found over the years that there are
two major blocks to implementing effective discipline—frustration
and guilt. Both frustration and guilt prevent you from implementing
effective discipline.
If you feel frustrated about your child’s behavior you will most likely
REACT to your child’s misbehavior instead of ACTING with
discipline to teach your child.
If you feel guilty about your parenting, for whatever reason, then you
will not be able to enforce proper boundaries or guidelines without
great difficulty.
So, here are some general EFT setups to use for frustration and guilt.
Use these setups regularly, especially if you consistently feel these
emotions.
Be prepared that tapping on your own frustration or guilt about your
child’s behavior may bring up some interesting issues for you. Make
sure that you clear as much as you can of your own “stuff” before you
deal with your child.
Again, if these are a constant issue for you, I strongly urge you to
work with the following EFT setups on a regular basis, like once a
day, until you feel as though you have made some progress.
Even though I feel frustrated when my child ___________________,
I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
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Even though I feel frustrated with my children…
Even though I feel guilty about __________________ …
Even though I feel guilty about my parenting…
Okay, those are the two most important aspects of disciplining your
child. Now on to the fun stuff…
Learning how to communicate is a life-long process. Because
children, especially children below the age of seven, have a difficult
time communicating to us how they feel and what they need, they use
misbehavior as a form of communication.
For example, your average two year old child is not going to be able
to say to you, “Mom, I’m feeling a little disenfranchised today. Could
we find some ways for me to appropriately express my
developmentally driven need for power?” Instead, she will choose to
power struggle with you over getting in her car seat. Being able to
make your grown mother shove you with all her might into a car seat
while she weeps with frustration is a great way for a two-year-old to
feel powerful.
According to Dr. Rudolph Dreikurs, children have four mistaken
goals when they misbehave: attention, power, inadequacy and
revenge. We diagnose a child’s goal based on how the child’s
behavior makes us feel emotionally. A certain emotional response
will result in specific behaviors on our part. If we pay attention to
these feelings and understand that the misbehavior is just a form of
communication then we can choose to not react to misbehavior. By
not reacting, we can become more effective as parents.
Children will act out mistaken goals when they perceive that their
basic needs for love, attention and power are not being met.
The mistaken goal of power:
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All humans need power. Imagine for a minute that you are a barely
walking, talking toddler. Every time your parent or caregiver wants
you to do something and you don’t want to do it, they can just pick
you up and carry you wherever they want you to be. You don’t feel
very powerful, do you?
When children are not getting enough appropriate power they will act
out by creating power struggles with you. Please note that I said
appropriate power.
Appropriate power for a two year old is being allowed to turn a light
switch on and off, choosing the color t-shirt that they wear or pushing
the garage door opener. That doesn’t mean the child gets to run the
household!
When your child is engaged in the goal of power they will make you
feel provoked or challenged. You will want to make them do what
you want them to do, even if it means that you have to physically
force them to do it.
It is important that you find appropriate ways to offer your child
power. Some ideas on giving children appropriate power include
offering them choices, giving children the last word, asking a child for
their opinion and giving them chores and responsibilities.
When you are engaged in a power struggle, the most effective way to
get out of it is to offer no resistance. Please note that non-resistance
doesn’t mean that you let your child win! It simply means that you
get out of the push and pull of the power struggle. EFT helps you
remove your resistance in a power struggle and frees your mind to
find a creative solution to the problem.
Some EFT power struggle setups:
Even though I am so frustrated that my child won’t do as I say, I
deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Even though I am angry and I want to hurt my child…
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Even though I feel like forcing my child to do as I say…
Even though I hate not having the last word…
Even though I want to have total control, and I don’t …
If you are locked in a power struggle, I encourage you to remove
yourself from it and take a break for a few minutes until you get your
emotional intensity under control. If possible, support your child in
doing this as well. Of course, asking them to take a break may result
in another power struggle. If they refuse to take a break, just go take
one yourself. You will find that with emotional clarity, you will be
able to resolve your struggle with an open heart and an open mind.
The goal of attention:
If a fly is buzzing around your head, what do you do? If you are like
most of us, you swat and swat at it until it goes away. Does that fly
annoy you? Probably. Do you pay attention to it? You bet!
A child with the mistaken goal of attention will buzz around you and
buzz around you until you swat at it. To children, negative attention
is better than no attention at all. And, if they get into a pattern of
getting negative attention repeatedly, then they will eventually seek
only negative attention.
If a child is trying to get your attention and you are not responding,
they will then act out in ways that make you feel annoyed. There are
so many reasons why you feel annoyed. I have found, in my practice,
that the number one reason parents become annoyed by their children
is that they feel completely burned-out. They lack the normal self-
care that keeps people feeling sane.
THE COFFEE MUG EXAMPLE
Imagine that you wake up early one morning after a short night’s
sleep. You stumble into the kitchen, grab your coffee mug, eagerly
hold it out to your spouse and he fills it with one drop. Are you
satisfied? No. Do you need more coffee in your cup? Yes. Most
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likely, if you don’t hit your partner on the head with a frying pan first,
you will keep holding your cup out, begging for more coffee, which
he delivers drop by drop, until you are satisfied.
Our children’s need for attention is like your coffee mug. If we don’t
properly fill their cups, then they keep coming back for more
attention. It takes far less energy to fill their cups all the way than it
does to placate them for a moment because you are “busy”. Please
note, I do understand that some kids inherently have bigger cups. One
of my children has a Super Big Gulp size cup.
Now imagine for a moment that you go downstairs for your coffee
and you are out of coffee. The pot is empty. No matter how many
times you implore your partner to fill your cup, he can’t because he
has no coffee.
When you are burned out or lacking in self-care, your pot is empty
and you have nothing to give to your children. So they keep coming
back to you for something that you can’t give them and you start to
snap and yell at them. Well, remember, negative attention is better
than none at all. So they continue escalating their negative behavior.
Of course, under these kinds of circumstances it is impossible for you
to take a break and renew and nourish yourself. Or is it?
If your pot were full and overflowing, couldn’t you fill their cups with
loving attention instead of harsh words and gestures?
If you are dealing with a chronic attention problem, the number one
thing to do is make sure that your pot is full. Once your pot is full it is
then possible for you to truly fill your child’s cup. Give them the full,
undivided attention that they are craving. Spend time with them
listening to them, doing what they want to do, and really being with
them. You will be surprised, after a while, how little your children’s
cups really are. It doesn’t take a lot of love to fill a cup.
Sometimes you find yourself in a situation where you truly cannot
give your child attention temporarily, like when you’re on the
telephone. (Isn’t it amazing how kids seem to crawl out of the
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woodwork as soon as you put the phone to your ear?) At these times,
it is vital that you never engage your child in conversation or eye
contact. Instead, simply rub their back or hold their hand and
continue what you are doing. When they are quiet, thank them for
their patience and assure them that you will be with them
momentarily. Most kids will walk away shortly.
When we feel annoyed we tend to swat at flies and at children. Using
EFT can help you restore patience and also get to the root of why you
feel so annoyed. Once you clear the “annoyed” feeling, you can
respond to your child in a loving way.
EFT for inappropriate attention:
Even though I am frustrated because I can’t get anything done
without being interrupted, I deeply and completely love and accept
myself.
Even though I am annoyed by my child’s constantly bugging me…
Even though I think I will scream if I hear the word Mama again…
Even though I am tired of having telephone conversations behind a
locked door in the bathroom…
Even though I don’t have the patience to read one more book…
Even though I am embarrassed by my kid’s behavior when I try to
have a conversation with other adults…
Even though I don’t think I have enough energy to divide between
two (or more) children…
Even though I feel overwhelmed by parenting…
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EFT and the goal of Inadequacy
Children who act out the goal of inadequacy can have a history of
catastrophic or chronic illness, or learning and physical disabilities.
They also tend to come from over-protective homes or be very right
brained. Children with the goal of inadequacy typically feel
overwhelmed by what seem like simple tasks for the average person.
Tying a shoe, for example, or picking up toys, or doing a math
worksheet can swamp a child with feelings of inadequacy. These
children have been conditioned to need help with everything. Or, they
see the world from such a global perspective that a piece of paper
filled with many numbers feels like more than they can handle.
First and foremost, these kids need help breaking things into smaller
pieces. If Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone seems too hard to
read because it is “too long,” then buy the book in paper back, cut it
apart with a knife, tape the binding, and give it to your child chapter
by chapter. When the child has read the whole book, put the book
back together and show him what he has accomplished. If she drowns
in a math worksheet, teach her to do one section at a time, taking a
small break in between questions.
Once you have introduced the concept of breaking the task down into
smaller steps, encourage your children to begin doing this for
themselves. Before long, they will have a good idea of what they
really can do, on their own!
When you are the parent of a child with the inadequacy goal, you
experience a mix of annoyance and pity. Often you aren’t quite sure
what your child is capable of but you suspect it may be more than you
think. And yet, you are afraid to push them too hard because what if
the task at hand truly is too hard and your child can’t do it?
Many emotions surface when dealing with the inadequacy issue. If
you child act out of inadequacy you better be sure that you are
completely emotionally out of the way. These kids need to
experiment and explore to discover what they can and cannot do.
They also need strategies to help them master tasks that seem “too
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hard”. If you feel guilty or need to rescue a child, it becomes very
difficult for the child to discover what he can do for himself.
Many of you who have experienced a catastrophic or chronic illness
with your child may discover, after tapping on some your emotional
issues, that you have unresolved fear or grief relating to your child’s
health experiences. Let’s face it, pain and possible death of our child
has a profound emotional impact on us! It’s normal to want to hold
on and protect your child! But, it is also normal to learn how to let go
with love. Empowering our children to handle their own trials and
tribulations makes for strong and healthy adults!
Here are your EFT setups if you are the parent of a child with the goal
of inadequacy:
Even though I am afraid to let my child go, I deeply and completely
love and accept myself.
Even though I am annoyed by my child always whining, “I can’t”…
Even though I am frustrated that my child can’t seem to do
anything…
Even though I am worried about my child…
Even though I am afraid for my child’s health and safety…
Even though I am confused about my child’s true abilities…
Even though I am afraid that if I let my child go he won’t need me
anymore…
Even though I am afraid that if I let my child go he will fail…
Even though I am afraid that if I let my child go his self-esteem will
be damaged…
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EFT and the goal of revenge:
This goal is by far the most difficult goal to deal with. Most children
don’t act out the goal of revenge unless things in their life get really
out of balance. It is very rare to have a child act purely out of the goal
of revenge without having experienced one or more of the other three
goals. Revenge surfaces when other need have gone unmet for a
significant period of time.
A child engaged in the goal of revenge feels unloved. This child
mistakenly believes that if she can hurt you and get away with it, then
you might still love her. A child in revenge will attempt everything
possible to destroy the fabric or your relationship. If you fail to
handle revenge quickly and appropriately you will end up genuinely
disliking your child.
In my practice I see a lot of boys in revenge who have fathers that
travel a lot. Usually these boys act like perfect angels when their
father is home. But when the father leaves they turn into nightmares
that Mom cannot control. Because usually the mother stays at home
while the father travels, these children feel that it is safe to express
their anger with their mother.
It is common to see teens acting out in revenge. If a child has not
experienced enough appropriate power in her life, she can “save it up”
and act out at a later developmental phase. Teens for the most part
lack genuine power in our society anyway. They possess great
capabilities and they look almost like adult humans, yet our society
really doesn’t have a place for them to go or to be of service until they
reach the age of 18 and beyond. Schools, in the name of crowd
control, must enforce rules that appear silly to teenagers. The rules
tend to imply that we do not expect a young adult to behave
respectfully. Teenagers frequently react to these rules with revenge
behavior.
A child in revenge can break your heart. And he or she can make you
feel so angry that you want to spit fire.
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The hardest part of dealing with a child in revenge is that you must
(MUST) let go of your emotional attachment to your child’s behavior.
That means that no matter how mean or rotten your child’s behavior
becomes, you must love this child back. If you hurt this child back,
the revenge cycle will escalate into something truly terrible!
As a parent, you will know if your child is acting in revenge if his
behavior makes you feel like you want to hurt him back. Sometimes
revenge shows up as little behaviors. For example, a four-year-old
who is jealous of a new sibling decides he’ll get you back by writing
on the wall with indelible markers. Sometimes revenge can be huge,
like taking drugs, driving too fast or dating a boy your parents hate!
The first step in dealing with a child in revenge is repairing the
relationship that you have with this child. Depending on how long the
revenge has been going on, you may have to start small, and you may
be rebuked at first. But keep trying. Never give up! I have seen
families who have worked for years to overcome the goal of revenge
who finally succeed in reclaiming love for each other!
The second step in handling revenge is handling the actual behavior
that took place. For example, as a logical consequence to marking the
wall, the four-year-old has to help you paint it. The discipline doesn’t
have to be harsh. Children don’t have to suffer to learn, especially if
they are already acting out in revenge. It can be fun for the two of
you to paint the wall. And painting the wall together will give the
four-year-old some much-needed time with you!
Granted, if you are dealing with long-term revenge, you must hold
firm to reasonable limits and boundaries. You can’t let this child walk
all over you in order to re-establish a relationship. Believe it or not,
kids actually need limits and boundaries to feel loved. A limit and a
boundary say that you care enough about this child to create rules for
him.
When addressing with revenge, I encourage you to have your favorite
photo of your child handy. At least three times a day, look at that
photo and use EFT on any emotional issues that may come up for you
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when you see the picture. You may have to use a photo from when
your child was a baby if that is what it takes to reconnect with the love
that you feel for this child. (This is a great exercise to do if you have
any emotional issues with your child or anyone else dear to you, for
that matter.) Don’t stop tapping until you are completely in a place of
deep love for your child.
When we come from love we can be understanding, intuitive, gentle
and loving with this little person who is hurting so much. With
revenge you HAVE to be the one who extends the olive branch. It is
unrealistic to expect it to come from your child.
Here are some setups to use for a child with the goal of revenge:
Even though I feel so angry with this child that I want to hurt him
back, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Even though I don’t like my child right now…
Even though I am so hurt by my child’s behavior…
Even though I am so angry at my child’s behavior…
Even though I don’t understand why my child is doing this to me…
Even though I am so overwhelmed by my child’s behavior…
Even though I feel so out of control of my child…
Hang in there! Persistence will pay off!
EFT and Trauma
Trauma can come in many forms. When dealing with someone who
feels traumatized, remember that the victim’s perception of the trauma
matters more than what actually happened. One child can feel
traumatized by a small event, like a thunderstorm, and our first
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inclination may be to minimize the child’s fear—“Oh, it’s just a little
thunder.” But, we have to realize that to that particular child, a
thunderstorm may seem very scary. Another child may laugh at the
thunder and ask to go play in the rain.
Many kids experience trauma at school. Angry teachers, bullies,
stress from exams, failing an important test, getting your first period
at school, teasing, falling down in the mud in front of everyone—any
of these can become traumatic events in the life of a child. Sadly,
there are larger traumas, too, like a family member dying in front of
you, school shootings, or terrorism, that can have profound effects on
the emotional energy of a child.
If your child has undergone a severe trauma and you are concerned
about their emotional health, I strongly encourage you to seek out
professional support and guidance from someone who uses the
Emotional Freedom Techniques. Using EFT in conjunction with
therapy will rapidly improve your child’s recovery from trauma.
There are many different approaches to handling trauma with EFT
regardless of the severity of the issue. One method that might work
for your older child or teenager is called the Tearless Trauma method,
created by Gary Craig, the father of EFT.
Tearless Trauma
When you are dealing with a person who feels too traumatized to even
tap on an event use the following technique.
Instruct the person not to try to think about the traumatic incident.
Instead, have her imagine how she would feel if she were to vividly
imagine this event. If any emotional intensity would be present if she
actually thought about it, then have her tap on that intensity
immediately.
The point of the Tearless Trauma technique is to get at the issue
without having to feel any of the negative emotions associated with
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the trauma. There is no need, in other words, to relive the negative
emotions. We can get at them without having to relive them.
If the trauma has several aspects or is part of a longer story, have your
child imagine how he would feel if he were to tell the story. As he
imagines how he would feel about telling the story of the event or
events, have him tap on any emotional aspect of the story that
surfaces. Continue this process until you clear all aspects that come
up relating to the trauma.
You will usually find that the first few rounds of tapping take the
“edge” off of the negative emotions, so that the child will then feel
free to tell you the rest of the story. If not, just continue to use the
Tearless Trauma method. It will work on just about any type of
traumatic memory.
Sometimes, if a person feels reluctant to remember the events, you
can tell a story yourself using an imaginary character or a favorite
stuffed animal as the victim. Or the younger child can tell the story as
if it happened to a stuffed animal. If you use a stuffed animal, you
can even have the child tap on the animal and then on herself. (More
on that later…)
Below is a summary of the Tearless Trauma method as Gary Craig
teaches it, but modified for use with children:
1. Identify the traumatic incident and get the child’s permission to tap
on it with them.
2. Instruct the child NOT to actually imagine the traumatic incident.
Ask them instead to GUESS at what their emotional intensity
would be if they were to vividly imagine the incident. (If the child
is old enough, they can use the 1 to 10 scale, if not, have them use
the “big arms” to “little arms” scale).
3. Help the child develop a phrase to use as the “reminder” statement,
such as “this car-crash feeling” and then tap one round of the
points using the reminder phrase.
4. After the round of tapping, have the child GUESS again at their
emotional intensity relating to the traumatic event.
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5. Assuming that the intensity has come down a little (it usually will
after the first round), continue more rounds of tapping until the
emotional intensity surrounding the trauma has gone to zero.
6. If you reach this point, have the child try to vividly imagine the
actual events of the traumatic experience. If any emotional
intensity remains for any aspects of the incident, tap on them with
the basic EFT process.
A TEARLESS TRAUMA EXAMPLE:
The following example is a composite of several real-life experiences.
I have summarized the general experience to give an example of the
Tearless Trauma method, but of course, there are more details to the
real-life stories. This is a typical teenage story, and I’ll bet you know
someone with a car accident trauma in his or her past.
Suppose your sixteen-year-old child just received a learner’s permit
and took the car out for a spin with a grown-up in the next seat. At an
intersection he panicked, caused an accident between two other cars
and ran the car into the ditch, suffering a head injury in the process.
Also, the grown-up in the passenger seat screamed out “we’re all
going to die!”
Three months later the traumatized teen still won’t get back behind
the wheel of any car, and he doesn’t want to talk about it, owing to
extreme embarrassment about his fear of driving. (All of his friends
are getting their driver’s licenses, and he keeps making excuses to
them for why he hasn’t gone for his driving test yet.)
You know you could tap on your teen’s fears of getting behind the
wheel of a car, but he feels so ashamed of his phobia that he just
“doesn’t want to even think about the incident.” So you suggest the
trying the Tearless Trauma method.
First, find an appropriate time, such as just before he goes to sleep.
Then start by telling him he does NOT have to think about the
incident. But ask him to GUESS what his level of fear would be on a
scale of one to ten, if he were to imagine the accident. Also, ask him
how he would like to refer to the event (i.e. “car crash” or “big screw-
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up” or whatever he suggests). Then tap a round with the reminder
phrase he just gave you. Skip the setup.
After the first round and subsequent rounds of tapping, assess the
level of negative emotions relating to the car accident, and continue to
repeat the tapping until all intensity is gone.
Then if he feels ready to think about the accident, you can begin to tap
on the individual aspects of the accident that might still have some
charge on them. If he still feels reluctant to address the issue, then ask
him to think about how scared he would feel if he were to think about
when his head hit the steering wheel, or when the blood poured into
his eyes, or when someone screamed “we’re all going to die!”, or
when his parents got the insurance report, or whatever else happened
in the traumatic incident. Then tap on those aspects of the story with
following setups and other similar one:
Even though I would feel this scared if I thought about the
moment my head hit the steering wheel, I’m going be okay.
Even though I would feel scared to imagine the blood all over my
face if I were to think about it, I deeply and completely accept
myself.
Etc…
Tap, tap, tap…
I wouldn’t be surprised if your teenager asked to borrow the car the
next day.
As you tap on different aspects of a trauma, note that each aspect is,
indeed, a separate fear. A traumatic event or memory is usually a
string of little traumas and fears all rolled up into one ugly emotional
monster.
In review, the point of the Tearless Trauma method is to address the
issue without having to re-experience the traumatic emotions.
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Tapping with a Stuffed Animal Surrogate
With young children you may not be able to use the Tearless Trauma
method, but a stuffed animal surrogate often works wonders. Let’s go
through a pretend session using a surrogate so that you can get an idea
of how that might work. As with all issues related to our children, tap
on your own issues first! I promise you that if your child has been
traumatized then there is probably a part of you that feels traumatized,
too!
Three-year-old Samantha is scared of thunderstorms. This is a recent
problem that started after Samantha experienced a severe
thunderstorm one night when her parents had gone out on a date and
left her at home with a teenage babysitter. Now Samantha freaks out
any time her Mom has to leave her at the house with a babysitter, or
even with Daddy, and she panics whenever a storm occurs.
Mom has already tapped on her guilt and sadness related to her
daughter’s experience. Now she is ready to tap with Samantha and
clear her trauma.
Samantha and her family have extensive experience with EFT, using
it all the time for issues that come up.
Mom: Samantha, you seem so frightened of thunderstorms lately. Do
you want to tell me about it?
Samantha: No.
Mom: Oh. How about we play a game? Would you like that?
Samantha: Okay.
Mom: Let’s play the story game. I will start a story and you finish it!
Samantha: Okay.
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Mom: Let’s use Peter the Rabbit as the main person in the story. Is
that okay with you.
Samantha: Sure!
(Note: Depending on how savvy your kid is, you may need to do a
pretend story first before you jump right into Tearless Trauma. In an
effort to keep this book a readable length, I will skip the pretend
story!)
Mom: Okay! Once upon a time there was a little bunny rabbit named
Peter. He lived in the forest with his mother, father and baby brother
named Stephen. One evening, Peter’s mother and father decided that
they would like to go to the Carrot Café and spend some time
together. So they asked Jordan Lightfoot to come baby-sit Peter and
Stephan.
How do you think Peter felt about his Mom and Dad going out and
leaving him and his baby brother alone with a babysitter?
Samantha: Sad. Peter hates it when his parents go out.
Mom: Shall we tap with Peter so he won’t feel so sad?
Samantha: Okay.
Mom: You tap on Peter and I will tap with you. I think that the more
people tap together, the easier it is for someone to feel better. (A great
way to sneak in some surrogate tapping!) Even though I am sad when
Mom and Dad go out, I am still a great kid! (Tap a full round of EFT)
Is Peter’s sadness gone?
Samantha: Yes.
Mom: Great! How do you feel when Daddy and I go out, like we did
the other night when it thunder stormed?
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Samantha: I was sad, and mad, too!
Mom: Oh. Do you think that Peter is mad, too?
Samantha: Yes, he feels left out.
Mom: Okay. Let’s tap for Peter and his madness. Even though I feel
mad and left our when Mom and Dad go out, I am still a great kid!
(tap a full round of EFT)
Does Peter feel better now?
Samantha: Yes.
Mom: Great! So, Peter’s Mom and Dad left the house. Peter and
Stephan were all alone with Jordan.
Samantha: Wait, Mom, Peter hates it when his Mom and Dad drive
down the driveway and the house is kind of quiet without his Mom
and Dad.
Mom: Oh, so the house is quiet when Mom and Dad leave? Okay,
let’s tap. Even though I hate it when Mom and Dad drive away and
the house is quiet, I am a great kid! (tap a full round of EFT)
That’s better, isn’t it?
So Peter’s Mom and Dad drove away and left Peter and Stephen in the
quiet house with the babysitter. (Note: This is Mom’s way of
assessing Samantha’s emotional intensity related to her parents
leaving to go out. Samantha made no comments so Mom continued.)
Very soon the sky began to get dark, the wind began to blow and
Peter could here thunder coming closer and closer. Does Peter like
thunderstorms?
Samantha: No. He was scared when the sky got dark because Peter is
afraid of the dark.
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Samantha and her Mom tapped on several aspects related to the storm
including:
Even though I am afraid of the dark…
Even though I was scared of the loud wind chimes on the back
porch…
Even though I though the wind would blow the trees over…
Even though the thunder was loud…
Even though the thunder was scary…
Even though I hated the way the thunder made my bones jump…
When Peter, Samantha and Mom had cleared these aspects, Mom
continued her story.
Mom: So Jordan tucked Peter into his bed. It was very dark and the
storm was still strong outside. But Peter wasn’t scared anymore. He
had used EFT. Is there anything else that is scaring Peter?
Samantha: (quietly) Yes. Peter is afraid his Mom and Dad might not
ever make it home.
Mom: Okay, Even though I’m scared my Mom and Dad might not
make it home, I am a great kid. Anything else?
(By this time Samantha was smiling.)
Samantha: But they did make it home, Mom. Just like you and
Daddy did!
Mom: That’s right. This is a good end to our story!
After this session, Samantha was able to enjoy thunderstorms. Every
once and a while, she would be afraid of really loud thunder but she
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would tap and make it go away. She even tapped for her dog, Shepp,
who always hid under her bed during a storm.
This technique works well for younger children. For older children,
simply have them tell you their “story” about the traumatic
experience. Have them stop and tap any time their emotional intensity
goes up. Tap until they are completely clear and then go on to the rest
of the story until the trauma has no emotional energy remaining.
You can also use this technique for yourself on any traumatic events
or memories that you may have!
EFT and Grief
We all experience grief at one time or another in our lives. Grief can
happen any time you experience a life changing event or any time you
lose someone or something important and valuable to you.
Traditionally, therapists have defined grief as occurring in five stages:
Denial – not being able to accept that the event is real
Anger – being angry with the person or thing that is gone or the
people responsible for the life change (like your parents when you are
forced to move during your junior year in high school)
Bargaining – attempting to make a deal with God or anyone who may
be able to change the outcome of the event
Depression – experiencing the sadness of the loss
Acceptance – accepting the reality of the loss, adjusting to a different
life and creating a new life
These five stages do not have to go in order. It is common for people
to go back and forth between these stages until the loss is truly
accepted. It is also possible to experience the different stages
simultaneously.
Children go through these same stages just as adults do. And, even
though kids are well known for their resiliency, they can sometimes
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suffer for a long time with unresolved grief. I have seen many
children who sometimes take up to two years to recover from a
traumatic move to a new city.
Of course, it is natural to be sad over a loss. And EFT can help make
the journey through the grieving process easier and faster. With EFT
is becomes easier to adjust to the loss and faster to embrace the
blessings and the gifts in the change.
Kids are going to express the stages of grief in different ways. When
in the stage of denial, some children may retreat into a fantasy world.
Older kids may hide out in their room and refuse to participate in any
of the ongoing events related to their loss.
Kids experiencing anger during grief may find all kinds of creative
ways to express themselves. They may act angry with you, even if it
isn’t your fault. They may pick fights with each other or even fight
with their friends. Some may even break or destroy things that are
dear to them.
Sometimes children make strange deals in the name of grief. Pay
attention to bizarre behavior like cleaning their room several times a
day, or over-politeness and excessive helpfulness. Sometimes kids
make bargains related to their behavior, somehow believing that if
they just “behave” then the situation will change.
Depression can also take many forms in children. Some kids will
simply act withdrawn or quiet. Some will watch a lot of television or
read. Some kids may eat more, while others may have a low appetite.
Watch for any prolonged behavior changes.
Acceptance is the time when the child adjusts to the change or the
loss. This is the time to support your child in creating a new life,
incorporating whatever changes have transpired.
I do not believe in suffering. Yes, there is a full spectrum of human
emotions and we all go through them as we journey through life.
Sadness is inevitable. Suffering is not.
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For this reason, I strongly encourage people to begin tapping on their
grief as soon as possible. I know a lot of people think that it is wrong
to sail through grief. Using EFT won’t take away the fact that
someone you loved dearly is gone, or that you lost your job that you
worked at for twenty years. EFT simply takes the suffering out of the
loss and allows you to celebrate the blessing of the life of the person
who is gone, or of the new career opportunity. EFT greatly speeds up
the adjustment to loss and shortens the grief cycle.
Do you really think a person who is gone wants us to suffer for two or
more years in their name? Would you want your loved ones to suffer
in grief for years if you were to die? I wouldn’t.
Here are some setups to use for grief. Please modify them as needed
to fit your particular situation.
Even though I can’t believe Grandma is gone…
Even though I can’t believe I got laid off…
Even though I can’t believe my parents are going to move me to
California…
Even though I can’t believe my cat is dead…
Even though I feel angry that Grandma is dead…
Even though I am so angry that they fired me…
Even though I am so angry with my Dad for putting work ahead of
me…
Even though I feel angry that that stupid man ran over my cat…
Even though I wish there were something I could do to bring
Grandma back…
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Even though I am profoundly sad that Grandma is dead…
Even though I feel so sad about leaving my friend…
Even though I feel sad that I lost my job…
Even though I feel so sad that my cat is dead…
Even though I feel sad that Grandma suffered so much…
Even though I feel sad that it hurt my cat to get killed by a car…
Even though I am so sad that all I want to do is watch TV…
Even though I am so sad that all I want to do is hide in my room…
Even though my sadness makes me tired…
Even though my sadness makes me mad…
Even though I miss my Dad…
Even though I miss my Mom…
Even though I don’t know who I am without this person/thing…
Even though I don’t know how to go one without this
person/thing…
Even though I have this gap in my life now…
One of my favorite techniques to use when you are grieving over a
person is to place a photo of the person in a prominent spot in your
house and tap while looking at the photo. Pay attention to thoughts
and feelings that come up for you when you look at the person and tap
on anything that feels right.
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Of course, major life changes and the death of a loved will take time
to get over. Use EFT to assist you through it!
EFT and Body Image
Okay, ‘fess up! How often do you stand in front of the mirror and just
love and honor your body?
How often do you scrutinize every detail of your physical form and
pay attention to all the “defects”?
I have always carefully limited my daughters’ exposure to mass media
concepts concerning beauty. I did not want their images of
themselves and their own beauty to become warped by what the mass
media tells us is beautiful
.
In spite of my care in limiting media exposure, one day I overheard
my oldest daughter talking about how “fat” she was and how she was
“big”. At first I didn’t understand where she was getting these ideas
until I realized that she was standing in the mirror critiquing her body
just like I do. Once again, I learned the hard way that I must model
the behavior that I want my children to adopt.
I’ll be honest with you. My body was physically designed to pick
potatoes. I come from strong peasant stock and I would do very well
standing in a field, bent over and pulling things out of the ground. I
am dark-haired (well, okay, with a little help from L’Oreal), have an
olive complexion with lots of freckles and laugh lines. I have had
way too much sun in my life, birthed four babies and breastfed for
over 11 years! I am not Cover Girl material.
My daughters have witnessed me many times lamenting at the
varicose veins and cellulite on my thighs. They have heard me ask
my husband numerous times, “Am I fat?” and, “Does this dress make
me look fat?” So why should it be a surprise that they have started to
evaluate themselves the same way that I do?
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If we want our daughters to love and honor our bodies, then we must
do the same ourselves! Our bodies are strong and powerful! We have
created, carried, birthed, and breastfed babies. We have run after
toddlers, snatching their bodies from behind moving cars in parking
lots while surviving beatings by protesting two-year-olds. We awake
at dawn, retire sometime after midnight, and still we go on! We are
amazing! And yet we devastate ourselves because our thighs are
dimpled and our breasts aren’t perky any more.
I encourage you to use EFT on every little part of your body that you
feel unhappy about until you can lovingly look at yourself in the
mirror! Learn to love your thighs right now! Try these setups!
(Warning: We carry a lot of painful memories and associations on
our bodies. Don’t be surprised if tapping about your body brings up a
lot of interesting issues and memories.)
Even though I hate my (name of body part), I deeply and completely
love and accept myself!
Even though I think I’m fat…
Even though I hate that I never lost my “baby fat”…
Even though my body has never been the same since I had babies…
Even though I’ve never loved my body…
Even though it’s not in my genes to be thin…
Even though I come from a family of fat people…
Even though I am too skinny…
Even though I can’t lose weight…
Even though I can’t gain weight…
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Even though my breasts are too small/big…
Even though I am so wrinkled…
Even though I hate my gray stringy hair…
Be creative! Tap on anything else you can think of.
When you are done, share this process with your daughters (and sons).
Help them to tap on any body issues that they may already be carrying
around. Work together as a family to love each other and the
magnificent creations that you are!
EFT and School
School can be an interesting adventure for some families. Some
children seem to easily float into the structure of school, doing well in
classes, making friends, always loving their teacher and homework.
Other kids battle their way through, struggle with sitting still, always
getting in trouble for talking, hate their teacher, hate most of the kids
in school and never really reach their full potential as students. Of
course, some kids kind of fit in the middle.
Schools are, by virtue of design, created to control the masses. Yes,
of course, there is learning that takes place and many children learn a
lot. But, many do not, for several reasons.
From birth, people have one of three different learning styles,
auditory, visual and kinesthetic. Yes, it is true that in the last few
years schools have been attempting to integrate this information into
their teaching modules, but in truth, the information has been vastly
over simplified and the changes have been, for the most part,
ineffective. (I have insight into this issue because my husband taught
in a public school 9 years.)
Auditory learners learn best by hearing information. Visual learners
learn best by seeing information. Kinesthetic learners learn best when
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they can touch, manipulate or sense information. This is a gross
oversimplification and lends strongly to labeling. The truth is we
ALL learn better and retain information longer if we can learn using
all three modes.
In defense of the school system, it is pretty darn near impossible to
qualitatively incorporate all these different ways of learning with 25
or more students in a class during a 45 to 55 minute time slot. That is
why, ultimately, the system will have to change. (Yes, these are
strictly my opinions and I assume full responsibility for them!)
Auditory learners usually do well in school. They learn best by
hearing words and most of the information in school is presented in a
lecture format.
Visual learners can also do well in school if the teacher uses a lot of
graphics, notes and writing on the board. Visual and kinesthetic
learners will tend to “space out” if they are not being taught to in a
way that meets their needs.
Kinesthetic learners need to move and groove with the information
before they can actually hear about it. Contrary to popular belief, this
does not mean that they need to sit on a stationery bike while they
listen to the teacher lecture. These kids actually need to touch or feel
data before they can begin to hear about it.
In a science class, that may mean they need to touch and examine
rocks before hearing a geology lecture. In and English class, they
may need to see pictures and connect with the feelings of the
characters in a story before they actually hear the story.
If given the opportunity to explore information in a way that works
best for them, kinesthetic kids usually have kind of an intuitive
understanding of information prior to them listening to a lecture about
it. It is as if they get the gist of an idea by feeling and playing with it
before they hear about it. Kinesthetic learners tend to be diagnosed, in
great numbers, with Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder and are
even medicated in order to control their behavior. Naturally, these
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kids get very bored with lectures and get very physically active when
they become bored.
Again, I stress that this is a gross oversimplification of many issues
but I did want to give you a little seed thought to play with. For more
information about understanding your child’s learning style, I highly
recommend the book, How Your Child is Smart, by Dawna Markova.
You may have to work with your child and help him or her find
learning strategies that make school easier. When doing homework,
pay attention to learning style and practice using these new learning
strategies at home.
Visual learners do better if they can visually represent the information
themselves. Teach them to take their own notes as early as possible.
Help them create pictures or icons relating to their work so that they
can use these symbols to mentally call forth information.
Kinesthetic learners benefit greatly from manipulatives. Help them to
learn by giving them actual things they can touch, move and count
with. Let them act out stories first with puppets or dolls before having
them write it out. These kids may need to do homework in short
bursts and go take a break and come back to it. Kinesthetic kids can
be easily frustrated by being forced to learn information in a way that
doesn’t serve them. They have a lot of energy to burn.
Reinforce these strategies with your child’s teacher, even if you meet
with resistance. The number one rule in dealing with the public
school system is this: The squeaky wheel gets the grease! Don’t stop
squeaking until you get what your child needs!
In the meantime, there are things that you can do to help your child
with school. First of all, model the importance of education. If you
never read a book in front of your child, it will be very difficult for
him to adopt a habit of reading. Talk to your children and show them
how learning is a life-long process and commit as a family to making
education important in your life.
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Stay aware of what your children are learning in school and look for
fun ways to supplement what they are learning. Plan weekend outings
and vacations with themes related to what they are doing in school.
Pay attention to your children’s’ passions and encourage them and
support them at home. If your children love to draw or paint, they
may feel frustrated that they don’t get enough time in school to
experiment. Create a space for them in your home where they can
play with art to their heart’s content.
Don’t overload your child with after school activities. Children need
time to process and integrate information. They need time to play in
the mud, ride bikes and goof around with their dog. It may look like
play, but play is vital to the optimal neurological development of a
child. Children who have enough time for free play are better thinkers
and have more creative problem solving skills.
Experimentation and exploration are some of the basic needs of
children. If they don’t get these needs met they will either act out or
eventually shut down.
Of course EFT can be a valuable tool in helping children with issues
related to school. Here are some setups for you to get started with.
Teaching your children to do EFT for their stress and anxiety in
school can help them enjoy what they are beautifully designed to do;
LEARN!
Even though I hate school, I am a great kid!
Even though I hate my teacher…
Even though I hate the other kids in my class…
Even though school is boring…
Even though school makes me sleepy…
Even though all the rules in school are silly…
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Even though I have a hard time listening to the teacher…
Even though I have a hard time being quiet in class…
Even though I have a hard time being still in class…
Even though I feel embarrassed about asking questions in class…
Even though it is hard for me to answer questions in class…
Even though I am nervous that I might get called on in class…
Even though I am nervous about my test…
Even though I feel worried about my book report/science fair
project/term paper…
Even though I think the teacher hates me…
Even though I am nervous about asking the teacher for what I
need…
Even though I am scared that I will be sent to the principals office…
Even though I have a hard time following instructions…
Even though I have a hard time paying attention…
Even though I always do bad on tests…
These are just a few to start with. I am sure that you will come up
with several on your own!
Given that test anxiety can make a bright child do poorly on an
examination of any kind, you absolutely have to teach your children to
tap before any kind of academic or athletic test.
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Even though I ‘m worried about this test, I choose to do my best…
Even though I know I’ll fail, I choose to do well anyway…
Teach your child to use EFT creatively to address any and all fears
related to the testing situation. Tell your child’s teacher about EFT
and watch the whole class get better grades!
EFT and Separation Anxiety
All kids experience separation anxiety. It is a normal developmental
milestone that peaks at certain ages. You can expect to see separation
anxiety at nine months to a year, eighteen months until around three,
and some kids go through again at the end of the third year and the
beginning of the fourth. Some kids will also go through separation
anxiety at the beginning of kindergarten and during the second and
third grade.
For younger children separating is difficult because they have no
concept of time. One hour can feel like forever (or a minute) to a
small child. Also, small children connect to you energetically, not just
physically, so when you leave it affects their energy system. They
may cry or feel a high level of stress.
Some children feel this stress more intensely than others do. Honor
your individual children. My oldest daughter was extremely shy and
spent the first two years of her life hiding behind me or clinging to my
leg. I intuitively knew that I could not leave this child until her own
energy system developed enough to where she would feel safe on her
own.
Every once in a while you will get a highly spirited, independent child
whose only response to being left is, “cool”! Of course, as parents,
that can create a different emotional response for us (Am I a good
mother? Why does he seem so eager to leave me? Have I done
something wrong? Doesn’t he miss me?)
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Separation anxiety, especially with an emotionally intense child can
feel gut wrenching for adults. Parents often experience doubt,
confusion and guilt when they drop off a crumpled tot who is
screaming to stay with them. Sometimes you just don’t have a choice.
You have to leave him.
Preparing your children ahead of time is the greatest thing that you
can do for them if they are experiencing separation anxiety. Let them
know what to expect and talk about how they might feel.
Never sneak away, as tempting as it may be. Children need to have
the experience of surviving separation in order to overcome it. They
may still experience separation anxiety when you sneak out, but they
won’t have your goodbye kiss or assurances to hold on to during the
day.
Make it okay for them to feel scared, upset or frightened. What a
wonderful opportunity to teach about using EFT to feel better! Let
them tap proactively (or you can tap on them) and teach them to tap
on a favorite doll or stuffed animal. Make sure you bring the doll or
animal with you so that they can tap “for” their doll or animal when
they get to day care or nursery school.
If you are feeling guilty, confused or torn in any way, make sure that
you tap on your own feelings first. It is very difficult for a child to
separate if they can sense that you are feeling worried or hesitant
about a situation.
If your child has prolonged or extreme separation anxiety, evaluate
the situation that your child is in. You child may be telling you that
she is profoundly unhappy where you are leaving her. Perhaps the
facility is too big and overwhelming for her. Or maybe she is having
a problem with one of the children or the staff. Pay attention to your
child and trust your gut. If it feels wrong, investigate it.
EFT setups for separation anxiety:
For your child:
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Even though I am scared to leave my Mom, I am a great kid.
Even though I don’t want Mom to leave…
Even though I’m afraid Mom won’t come back…
Even though it’s hard for me to say good-bye, I know that Mommy
always comes back.
Even though I feel sad when Mom leaves…
Even though I miss my Mom…
Even though I want my Mom to stay and she won’t….
For you:
Even though I feel guilty leaving my child, I deeply and completely
love and accept myself.
Even though I am sad about leaving my child…
Even though it breaks my heart to leave my child…
Even though I feel uncertain about leaving my child…
Even though I feel angry that my child makes it so hard for me to
leave…
Even though I am embarrassed by the fit my child throws when I
leave…
You can also tap surrogately for your child. Tune in during the day
and tap for them while you are separated. Also, tap for them when
you get in the car immediately after leaving them. The energy
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exchange will work no matter where your child is, so don’t be afraid
to tap “at a distance” for whatever issue you want to address.
EFT and Asthma
EFT works great for asthma. Of course, strongly recommend that use
it in conjunction with inhalers and other medication. Not surprisingly,
several current research studies support the notion of an emotional
component to asthma. EFT addresses the emotional components quite
efficiently.
Regardless of the source of an asthma attack, it can be scary to
experience and to witness. It is also a life-threatening event and
should never be taken lightly.
EFT setups for asthma:
(Note: If you are working with someone during a full-blown attack,
they may not be able to say the setup. Don’t worry about it. Just say
it for them and tap away. If you are tapping for yourself, you may
hum the words or just say them in your mind.)
Even though I can’t catch my breath, I am a great kid.
Even though I can’t breathe…
Even though I have this tightness in my chest…
Even though I have this tight cough…
Even though I am scared because I feel like I can’t breathe…
Even though I am embarrassed because everyone is looking at me…
Even though I am anxious that this breathing problem won’t stop…
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Even though I always have an asthma attach when I am around a
dog/cat…
Even though I am afraid that I will have an asthma attack…
Even though I can’t fill my lungs up all the way…
Even though I feel lightheaded…
Even though I feel nauseous because I can’t breathe…
Again, this is an issue that can be tapped on proactively. If your child
experiences asthma attacks during certain times of the year or under
certain circumstances that tap for those ahead of time:
Even though I always have asthma in the spring…
Even though I always have an asthma attack when we run track at
school…
If you are the parent of an asthmatic, tap on your own fears and
concerns. It is natural to want to protect your child. By tapping on
your own concerns, you can assure that your actions will be proactive
and not overprotective.
EFT and Sports Performance
Okay, I’m sorry, but I just have to get on my soapbox one more time
before I get into this. Please evaluate your child’s involvement in
sports from a very gentle point of view. I have seen an alarming trend
of children starting sports as young as four years old!
Please Note: Children under the age of seven do not have the
developmental skills to participate in any sport that has rules. They
don’t understand rules. They won’t follow rules, not because they
choose not to, but because their brains just don’t work that way.
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Young children must have free playtime. They will be ready for
organized sports soon enough. Free play allows for the optimal
growth and development of gross and fine motor skills that later
enhance sports performance. Don’t let them waste their precious free
time standing in line following a series of drills to make them better
soccer players, baseball players or whatever! Some research shows
that children who start sports earlier actually become worse players
than those who start at a developmentally appropriate age.
So, if you, as a parent, are just dying to see your little baby make it to
the “big leagues” in your favorite sport, then DON’T let them start
playing it until they are ready. Readiness can come at any age, with
some kids blossoming at 13 or 14 years old. Very few four-year-old
soccer players will still be on the field ten years later. But quite a few
players who start soccer at age eight or nine will enjoy it and keep
playing.
Secondly, be aware of your own motivations and drives for your child
in sports. Sometimes we get a little caught up in living our own
dreams and desires through our children. Yes, there are prodigies,
like Tiger Woods, out there. But truly, these kids are by far the
exceptions. Listen to your kids. If they don’t really want to play a
sport or be on a team, don’t force it. There are many other ways to
stay fit and socialize.
If you feel that your motives in pushing a child into sports may be
questionable, then tap on those motives!
Even though I want my child to be first string defense on the
football team, and he prefers birdwatching, I deeply and completely
love and accept myself.
Even though I may be pushing my child into a sport because I was
successful in sports…
Even though I may be pushing my child into a sport because I
wasn’t successful in sports…
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Even though I may be trying to live out my dreams through my
child…
Even though I am embarrassed that my child is not as good at sports
as the other kids…
Even though I want my child to play sports, I now painlessly release
my child and honor his choices and celebrate his uniqueness and
beauty.
Thirdly, is winning really so important? I have had so many
traumatized children in my practice who have had their self-esteem
injured by overzealous coaches and parents who have focused on
winning a game rather than the joy of playing. (See the section on
EFT and Self-Esteem and EFT and Trauma).
True sports successes grow and develop into their personal best when
they are inspired to be THEIR best, not BETTER THAN the other
guy. A real athlete competes with himself to be his best!
Okay, I’m done. (Note: These are all my personal opinions and do not
necessarily reflect the opinions of management!)
Having said all of that, now let me discuss how EFT can be used very
successfully to improve sports performance. Some of our clients have
used EFT on their golf game with great results!
Some athletes merely tap on the basic points without using a setup
right before they engage in sports. Golfers can tap just before a drive.
Divers can tap just before they leap off the board and take the plunge.
Below are some setups to try for sports performance. Don’t be afraid
to get really specific if you need to. For example:
Even though my right arms seizes up before I make a pitch, I am a
great kid.
Even though I am nervous about the game, I am a great kid.
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Even though I am afraid that I will drop the ball…
Even though I am nervous about everyone watching me…
Even though the whole game depends on me…
Even though I’m not good at defense…
Even though I’m not good at rebounding…
Even though I’m afraid I’m going to fall…
Even though I’m afraid I’m going to land on my ankle funny…
Even though I’m scared I’ll get hurt on this apparatus…
Even though I’m sad that we lost…
Even though I’m disappointed that we lost…
Even though I always swing at bad pitches…
Even though I hesitate at the plate…
Even though I can’t putt…
Even though I can’t drive…
Even though I’m afraid I’ll hit my head on the edge of the pool…
Tailor your setups however you want. Remember, parents, tap on
your own emotional attachment to the issue! I promise to tap on
mine, too!
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EFT and Speech
EFT seemed weird when I was first introduced to it. I come from a
family where being normal is very important. Tapping on people and
helping them heal was not “normal”, so I had fears about using EFT
with my clients in spite of the huge number of successful case studies
supporting EFT’s effectiveness.
Whatever my doubts about using EFT, I soon changed my tune after
an amazing event at my house. My youngest son had an ongoing
speech problem. He had been in speech therapy for over a year with
absolutely no progress. Not only was he beginning to act out his
frustration at not being understood, but I was getting really tired of
hauling four children to the speech therapy office each week and
coughing up a wad of dough with no results to show for it. What’s
more, we felt that his speech problem sounded WORSE than when he
started the therapy. (Not to fault the therapist, she tried very hard to
help him.)
I knew my son felt very frustrated as well. Not only did people not
understand him when he spoke to them, some of his friends were
beginning to make fun of him. I finally decided, after some gentle
prodding from my persistent husband, to try EFT with my son.
We started tapping every night for his speech problem. The idea was
that we would tap for fifteen minutes every night and see what
happened. To be honest, we weren’t that diligent. Have you ever
tried to do anything for fifteen minutes EVERY NIGHT with a four-
year-old? Remember, too, that we had three other kids running
around needing someone to brush their teeth and wash their hair and
get them into pajamas and read them a story and tuck them into bed,
and so on.
Honestly, we didn’t do much tapping, nor did we follow through on
surrogate tapping. We didn’t always remember to tap during the day
either. Nonetheless, ten days or so later, after a total of maybe 30
minutes of tapping (about five minutes a night every other night) his
speech problem disappeared. Totally gone.
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We just noticed one day, that we could understand him perfectly. At
first I thought maybe I had become so used to his garbled language
that I just understood it intuitively. Then I realized that he was
perfectly pronouncing all of the consonants that he could not even say
the week before.
A year of speech therapy had left us over $2000 poorer and had given
him a definite inferiority complex in our family. A week of EFT,
done half-heartedly by very tired parents, and he spoke normally for
the first time in his life! Unbelievable!
I was sold on EFT. Since then we have used EFT will all of our
clients as well as our own children with amazing results!
Here are some setups to try for kids with speech issues. Make up your
own if these don’t work for you!
Even though I have a hard time talking, I am still a great kid.
Even though I am frustrated because people don’t understand me…
Even though I can’t say “s”
(Note: You may have to do this one surrogately.)
Even though I am tired of being in speech therapy…
Even though I am frustrated that my words sound funny…
If you can, work together with your parenting partner to tap
surrogately for your child. You will amplify the process by working
together!
EFT and Triggers
Have you ever noticed little things that the people around you do that
drive you nuts even though they shouldn’t really bother you at all?
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For example, it drives me crazy that my husband goes around the
house in the late evening closing all the blinds when it is still a little
bit light outside. It is such a tiny thing but it sends me through the
roof.
These “little things” that annoy us are called triggers. Sometimes they
really are little things and sometimes they are connected to much
bigger things. For example, there may be a phrase or a look that your
husband uses that unconsciously reminds of a step father who you had
issues with.
Our children can trigger us, too. They can make subtle motions (or
not so subtle motions) or use words that just set us off for no reason.
EFT can neutralize these triggers so that they will never bother you
again! Simply, in your mind, focus on a visual memory of the
offending trigger and the person presenting it and tap until the
memory or trigger is neutralized.
If you are faced with the trigger and you do react, immediately go into
another room, if you can, and tap on the triggering event until it is
clear.
Be prepared that sometimes the trigger is deeply rooted in another
more complex issue. But that’s okay. Just keep following your
subconscious mind’s lead until you clear the whole thing!
It’s so easy!
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, EFT EVEN WORKS FOR PEOPLE
WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN IT!
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EFT FOR
PARENTS
PART 3
Family before EFT…. Family after EFT….
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EFT Case Studies
In this book I have given you many EFT setups for specific situations.
If you have had a chance to apply EFT to any parenting situation, you
have probably experienced that the first setup that you use is merely a
starting place. Each time you tap a round on the points, a new issue or
aspect of an issue then presents itself for clearing with EFT.
When we tap as adults, this process can sometimes seem long and
convoluted. On the other hand, I have also experienced an entire issue
“disappearing” in one round! Usually, with children, the process is
fairly simple and short.
I have included a few sample transcripts of actual EFT sessions with
children. Notice how quickly EFT works and some of the surprising
results and side effects!
Afraid of the Dark:
K. is a six-year-old boy who is afraid of the dark. He recently had a
series of terrifying nightmares and now refuses to sleep in his own
room. In order to fall asleep, he must have all the lights in the
bedroom turned on and the closet door shut.
When I first started this session, I had K. show me with his hands how
“much” his fear of the dark was. (This is a helpful evaluation tool to
use with children who are too young to rate their fear or pain with
numbers.) He showed me that his fear was HUGE (arms spread all
the way out to behind his back).
This session was done with K. at bedtime so he had no difficulty in
tuning in to his issue.
Karen and K.: Even though I have this big scared-of-the-dark
feeling, I am a brave kid.
(We tapped a full round on this setup).
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Karen: Show me how big your scary feeling is now. (K. puts his
hands shoulder width apart. A small improvement…)
Karen and K.: Even though I still have some of this big scared-of-
the-dark feeling, I am a great kid!
(We tapped another full round.)
Karen: How big is your scary feeling now? (K. puts his hands about
three inches apart.)
Karen and K.: Even though I still have a little of this scared-of-the-
dark feeling, I am a powerful kid!
(We tap another round.)
After this round K. shows me that he still has a little fear left. Seeing
that this issue isn’t budging much I decided to try tapping on another
aspect of his fear.
Karen: What are you afraid of in the dark?
K.: I’m afraid of all the scary monsters in my dream.
Karen: Oh! How big is your scary feeling about these monsters in
your dream? (K. shows me BIG fear!)
Karen and K.: Even though I am scared of the scary monsters in my
dream, I am a great kid!
At this point I was ready for another series of incremental tapping on
his fear of the monsters in his dream. Boy did I get a surprise!
Immediately after tapping this last round, K. rolled over in bed and
fell fast asleep. He had no nightmares all night.
The next night we tapped for fear of the dark and monsters again.
Now nightmare free for several days, K. feels ready to try to sleep in
his own room again.
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Keegan’s Filmmaking Anxiety:
This case study is one of my favorite examples of how EFT can reveal
surprising tidbits of information. My eleven-year-old son, Keegan, is
an avid moviemaker. He has Lego Studios software and camera
equipment that he uses to make stop motion films with his Legos.
Making movies is his passion and during the summer he sets himself a
filming schedule and spends several hours each day filming.
One week Keegan had a tough time filming. Each morning, while he
worked on his movies, he would have problems with lighting or
sound. At one point his editing program crashed and he spent several
hours trying to contact technical support without success.
Keegan was distraught. He collapsed in a puddle of frustration and
tears. I, of course, jumped in and offered to do EFT with him. Being
a member of the “EFT Generation”, he agreed and we began to tap.
(Note: Before I offered to tap with Keegan, I went into my bedroom
and tapped on my issues first. I had become annoyed by his
melodramatic fits, and frustrated with his screaming and his anger.
After tapping a few rounds I cleared my emotional reactions and was
ready to help my son.)
I did not have Keegan rate his frustration before we started tapping.
Based on his reactions, I was pretty clear that he was a “10” for
“frustration about filmmaking.”
Karen and Keegan: Even though I am frustrated that my movies
aren’t working out, I am still a great kid. (We then tapped a round of
EFT.)
After this round, I noticed Keegan’s posture relaxed a bit and he
stopped crying. But, he still felt very upset.
Keegan and Karen: Even though the lighting in the living room has
been all wrong all week, I am a great kid. (We tapped another round
of EFT.)
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Keegan now took a deep breath (a sign that EFT is working) and
threw himself backwards on my bed. I noticed that he still had a
stressed look on his face. Intuitively I sensed that his anxiety was not
just about equipment failures. (This is a wonderful time to allow your
parenting intuition to kick in. Because tapping with someone involves
entering into an energetic relationship with that person, so it is quite
common to intuit or psychically “sense” what the other person is
thinking.)
So, I asked Keegan if there was something related to filming that he
was feeling anxious about. This was definitely hitting a nerve for
him. Keegan began to sob and choked out that he was afraid that he
wouldn’t get into film school when he grew up. Apparently, he had
read that Stephen Speilberg didn’t make it into film school and
Keegan was afraid that he might not make it in either.
So we tapped.
Karen and Keegan: Even though I’m afraid I won’t get into film
school, I am still a great kid!
After this round Keegan grinned a huge grin. To assess his anxiety I
asked him how he felt about film school. He just laughed and told me
that film school wasn’t such a big deal. He was probably going to be
good enough to make good movies on his own without film school
anyway. (Note: This is an example of a cognitive shift, a radical shift
in a belief about an event.) In one round of EFT, Keegan went from
feeling extremely anxious to highly confident!
After this last round, my son sat quietly on my bed for a while. I
started folding laundry and just let him have his space. He sprang off
the bed in a few minutes with a smile on his face proclaiming that he
thought that maybe he had been taking movie making too seriously
and needed to make a “fun” movie.
Interestingly enough, not only did Keegan’s week dramatically
improve, but his equipment functioned perfectly with no further any
complications that week. Amazing, huh?
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Fear of the Doctor:
C. is a seven-year-old boy who is afraid of the doctor. He has never
had a shot and is afraid of needles. C. has had several bad experiences
with doctors who have not tolerated his intense fear.
Recently C. had a difficult visit with a dermatologist who determined
that C. needed to have a mole surgically removed from his hand.
During the visit with the dermatologist, C.’s behavior had been very
challenging for the doctor and she suggested that he might be better
off with general anesthesia for the mole removal. C.’s parents, who
were very experienced with EFT, decided to try tapping first.
C.’s parents gathered all the information that they could about the
procedure so that they could begin tapping with C. on different
aspects of this minor surgery. After talking him through the whole
procedure, they then assessed his greatest concerns and created setups
to clear some of his anxiety.
Three times a day they tapped on the following issues:
Even though I am scared of getting a shot because I’ve never had
one before, I am still a great kid.
Even though I am scared that it might hurt, I am still a great kid.
Even though it’s hard for me to hold still, I am still a great kid.
Even though I really don’t want to do this but I have to, I am still a
great kid.
On the day of the procedure C. felt calm. After holding still for a
local anesthetic injection, he waited for the anesthesia to take effect.
When it wasn’t working as fast as he imagined, he and his parents
tapped the following setup:
Even though I want to get on with it, I am still a great kid.
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Even though is seems like this is taking forever, I am still a great
kid.
During the procedure, the doctor did not inform either C. or his
parents what she was doing but C. wasn’t even fazed. He even ended
up getting stitches that the doctor had originally said he wouldn’t
need! The doctor and the nurse were both very impressed by his
calmness and his ability to stay perfectly still.
This is a wonderful example of how to use EFT proactively! You can
talk your child through an upcoming stressful event like going to the
doctor or taking a test and pinpoint the aspects that seem to be causing
your child anxiety. Once you have identified the stressors, create
setups to tap on ahead of time. You will be amazed at your child’s
confidence and ability to handle just about anything!
CONCLUSION
I hope that after reading this book that you understand that EFT is a
universal tool applicable to almost every situation. Please experiment
and explore with EFT! The use of EFT is not limited to the situations
in this book. Use this book as an example of how to apply EFT to
parenting situations but don’t stop here!
TRY EFT ON EVERYTHING!!! Try it on your dog or cat, your
mother-in-law, your spouse, your next door neighbor who insists on
mowing his yard at 7:00 am on Sunday! Use EFT for pain relief. Use
it surrogately for others. There are no limitations to where, when or
how EFT can be used!
Even though it is powerful and infinitely applicable, EFT won’t fix
everything. Once your have shifted your emotional energy or the
energy of your child, it is important that you evaluate the situation and
ask yourself why it occurred in the first place.
For example, if your child is having nightmares, relieve the trauma
with EFT, then evaluate whether this child is watching too much TV,
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is experiencing stress in his daily life or perhaps his diet is affecting
his sleep. Use EFT then take proactive steps to change the situation.
Remember that EFT will not change your child’s personality or “cure”
her of developmental idiosyncrasies. If you have an emotionally
intense child, EFT won’t change that. If you have a high active,
adventurous child, EFT won’t “fix” it. If your child is four and
obsessed with potty words, EFT won’t change it.
But, remember to use EFT to remove your emotional attachment to
the situation. By eliminating your negative response to what is
normal for this child, you create a beautiful space in your heart to
laugh at, embrace, and thank this child for the lessons in acceptance
and unconditional love that she brings to your life! This is the biggest
gift in being a parent! Truly, children are our greatest teachers!
I hope that this book has helped you rediscover the joy in your
parenting adventure. I hope that EFT has become a powerful tool that
you use in every aspect of your life.
We love to hear from all of you! Please share with us your parenting
success stories!
Remember, raising children IS a joyful mission! Have fun!
Love,
Karen
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APPENDIX
EFT
for
EVERYONE!
An EASY Introduction to the
Emotional Freedom Techniques
Karen Curry
EFT University
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When nothing else works… Tap on it!
A woman has such a strong phobia of flying that she can barely
even drive to the airport to pick up a friend. Her body is
wracked with nausea when she thinks about taking a plane trip.
Nothing has worked to help her. With the guidance of a coach
she “taps” on her phobia and now she can fly on an airplane
without fear and anxiety.
A man has migraine headaches on a regular basis and nothing
ever seems to help them. With the guidance of a practitioner,
he “taps” on the headaches and they appear less frequently
and with much less intensity than before. He “taps” some more
on his own, and the painful migraine headaches eventually
disappear, never to return.
A woman constantly feels guilty about not making weekly visits
to her parents’ house, (“You never come to see us anymore”)
even though visiting requires hauling her four children over
there and disrupting her family’s weekend schedule. She “taps”
on her guilt and then decides that her parents can make the
effort to drive the 10 minutes over to her house once in a while.
Her guilt is gone.
A child has recurring nightmares about monsters coming out of
his bedroom closet at night. With his mother’s help, he “taps”
on the nightmares, which do not return. In their place he has
nice dreams
.
What do these people have in common?
They have all discovered that when they are stuck with a problem that
won’t go away, and nothing else has worked to solve it, they can “tap” on
that problem with the Emotional Freedom Techniques, and that “problem”
will become nothing more than a powerless memory. This is the world of
EFT, and this new world is waiting for YOU.
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EFT = The Missing Tools!
Imagine that you live in a house where everything is broken, and you
don’t have any tools to make the repairs — not even a wrench. You
know what is wrong in the house, but you just can’t fix it. You
probably don’t enjoy living in that house very much -- it feels like a
dump. Then a friend drops off some tools from the hardware store—
hammers, screwdrivers, wrenches, etc.— and he shows you how to use
them. Now you can repair the house and enjoy living in it much
more!
YOU are like that house, parts of your life don’t seem to be working
the way you want them to. You may have physical, psychological,
emotional, or even spiritual issues that you wish you could resolve.
But try as you might, you don’t always seem to have the right tools to
fix your life.
Now, imagine, for a minute, that each one of your so-called
“problems” is actually the result of a simple disruption in your body’s
natural healing system. Your body and mind would heal themselves if
only you could remove those disruptions… All you need are the right
tools to remove those disruptions to your system.
EFT provides the tools you need to remove the disruptions
in your body’s natural healing systems!
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IMPORTANT FACTS ABOUT EFT
1) EFT Often Works When Nothing Else Will! Try it and see.
2) EFT is a TOOL. A screwdriver works on everything from cars to
videocassette recorders. EFT is like that. It is a general tool that can
be used to "repair" your emotional system.
3) Training is Required to Master EFT. If you gave me a set of
tools and asked me to repair your car, I would say “NO WAY!" To
fix a car would require that I know something about applying the tools
to an automobile. EFT is a like a tool and YOU are like the mechanic.
EFT works IF you know how to apply it, which you learn through
training.
4) EFT is a Self-Applied Process. Like exercise or meditation, you
get out of EFT what you put into it.
WHERE DID EFT COME FROM?
In the mid 1990's, a man named Gary Craig took elements from other
meridian energy therapies and he created a simple healing protocol
which he named the "The Emotional Freedom Techniques." He began
teaching those techniques to people in workshops and with videotapes
of his seminars. Psychologists, personal coaches, hypnotherapists,
message therapists, chiropractors and others have flocked to EFT in
overwhelming numbers. For many professionals it has become their
main tool.
The Emotional Freedom Techniques have an interesting history which
has been recorded in detail in videos, training manuals, and on Gary
Craig's web site, www.emofree.com. For those who want to know the
full history and development of EFT, see Gary's web site.
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HOW EFT WORKS
EFT works by addressing the underlying emotional issues that
produce the "problems" in our lives. Using EFT a person can remove
the emotional blocks and the body and the mind can heal themselves.
THE DISCOVERY STATEMENT
The basic theory behind the application of EFT is expressed in what
Gary Craig calls the "Discovery Statement" shown below:
“THE CAUSE OF ALL NEGATIVE EMOTIONS IS A
DISRUPTION IN THE BODY’S ENERGY SYSTEM”
Another way to express this idea is this:
“THE CAUSE OF EACH OF OUR LIFE PROBLEMS,
IS A DISRUPTION IN THE BODY'S ENERGY SYSTEM.”
By clearing disruptions in the energy system we allow the mind and
body to heal themselves.
HOW TO DO EFT: THE MECHANICS
THE TWO PARTS OF EFT
EFT has two parts, the Set Up and the Tapping. The Set Up is kind of
like setting up the bowling pins (the issue) and the Tapping is kind of
like knocking down the bowling pins.
When you say the Set Up phrase you focus on the issue you want to
resolve, bringing it into your awareness, and when you do the
Tapping, you tap on several “energy” points on your body. The
“energy” points relate to the meridian points from Chinese Medicine
and are sometimes called acupuncture points or acupressure points.
Some people simply refer to these points as “relaxation” points,
because you will often feel very relaxed after you tap on the points a
few times.
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If you do not understand the following section, I encourage you to
reread it as many times as necessary. Although the technique looks
simple when demonstrated, it can sound complicated in written form.
Don’t give up! Although the art of applying EFT can take a while to
learn, the mechanics of the EFT protocol are really very simple.
THE SET UP
For the Set Up part of EFT you identify the issue you want to tap on,
and you say a very special phrase while tapping on the side of your
hand (SH) with one or more fingers from your other hand. Here is the
typical Set Up phrase:
"Even though I have this (name the issue), I deeply and completely
accept myself."
You can adapt the Set Up to fit any situation or issue. In advanced
practice, the way you say the Set Up can sometimes make ALL the
difference in whether or not the tapping works. Learning to say THE
exact Set Up that will help THE exact problem you are working on is
a skill which you will develop as you practice EFT and continue to
study the art of delivery of EFT.
As a beginner you can use the standard Set Ups such as:
“Even though I have this back pain, I deeply and completely accept
myself.”
“Even though I feel angry at that car that just pulled out in front of
me, I deeply and completely accept myself.”
“Even though my I want that piece of cake, I deeply and completely
accept myself.”
TAPPING THE POINTS
You tap gently on certain points on your body—hard enough to feel it,
but not hard enough to hurt yourself. You will tap between 5 to 10
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times on each point with one or two fingers. Then you will go to the
next point.
As you tap on the meridian points, you repeat to yourself a “reminder”
phrase to keep the issue in your mind. For example, if you are tapping
on a headache, you say “this headache” as you tap. Repeating the
reminder phrase keeps you focused on the issue at hand.
A SUMMARY OF THE SET UP AND TAPPING PROCEDURE
1. Identify an issue or problem you want to work on (such as a pain,
an unpleasant memory, a food craving, a fear, etc.); be specific in
identifying the issue. For example, you might say “this pain on the
lower left side of my back.”
Give that issue an intensity rating on a scale from 1–10.
(1 = barely noticeable, 5 = moderately annoying, 10 = unbearable).
2. Repeat the setup affirmation 3 times while tapping the (SH) point.
"Even though (name the problem), I deeply and completely accept
myself."
Example: “Even though I feel sad about _______ , I deeply and
completely accept myself.”
3. Tap 5 - 10 times on each of the following energy points while
focusing your mind on the problem that you just rated. And keep the
issue in mind by saying a “reminder” phrase while you tap.
7 Energy Points: EB, SE, UE, UN, CH, CB, UA
4. Check in with your mind and rate the problem again. Is it still a
10? an 8? a 2? If it is not a zero (0), repeat the EFT sequence.
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DIAGRAM OF BASIC EFT POINTS
HOW TO DO EFT: THE ART
There is an art to doing EFT well that cannot be taught in any book.
You have to see it, hear it, and experience for yourself. To learn the
art you must work with a practitioner, attend a support group, take an
online class, or watch Gary Craig's original EFT training videos.
I have included a couple of advanced topics here for those who want
to understand more about how EFT works.
KEY
EB = Eyebrow
SE = Side of Eye
UE = Under Eye
UN = Under Nose
CH = Chin
CB = Collarbone
UA = Under Arm
SH = Side of Hand
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ADVANCED EFT CONCEPTS
TREATING DIFFERENT ASPECTS OF A PROBLEM
Occasionally you will clear an issue with only one round of tapping.
Most issues, on the other hand, will have several parts or “aspects”
which must be addressed.
The “Headache” example below illustrates the “one-minute miracle”
where a problem goes away after only one or two rounds of tapping.
The “Fear of Driving on an Overpass” example shows how a
supposedly simple phobia actually consists of several completely
separate sub-issues, or aspects, which must be addressed individually
before the phobia dissolves. In EFT lingo we call each of these sub-
issues an “aspect” of the main issue.
When you tap on a problem, you may have another feeling or other
problem pop into your head. This is your mind telling you “Hey,
there is more to this issue, here is the next aspect you need to tap on.”
To successfully clear the negative emotions from an event, you must
address ALL of the aspects. It just won’t do to address one small part
and leave the rest of the sub-issues untouched. For some issues,
therefore, you will have to tap on many aspects.
The best way to learn to follow a trail of aspects is to work with an
EFT practitioner either individually or in a support group. You can
also learn by listening to recorded sessions. When you hear or see an
EFT session you will clearly understand what aspects are and how to
chase them.
AN IMPORTANT ASPECT TO TREAT
Many problems you tap on with EFT will have the following aspect
which needs to be addressed before you get to the other aspects of the
issue. This aspect is sometimes called psychological reversal or
secondary gain. I believe these are really the same idea stated in
different ways, but I will list them both for the reader’s benefit.
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When you have psychological reversal or secondary gain your
unconscious programming maintains the opposite condition of
what is in your best interest. In other words, some part of your
mind thinks that to get over the problem will require giving up
something that you need or that is essential for your survival.
These conditions can result in subsequent self-sabotage.
Conscious Mind = “I want to get over this problem.”
Unconscious Mind = “I don’t want to get over this problem
because…”
Reason not to get over a problem:
1) If I get over this problem ______________ (something bad) will
happen.
2) If I get over this problem ______________ (someone) won’t love
me/take care of me/pay attention to me anymore.
3) I deserve to have this problem because I did or thought about doing
______________________ (some bad thing).
4) I don’t deserve to get over this problem because other people are
worse off than I am.
5) I can’t recover because then I will have to _______ (some
responsibility)
Our ego can hold onto thousands of reasons for not getting over an
issue. Let’s look at some common examples of how stoppers work
against you when you tap.
Example One:
A boy gets sick. His Mom, who usually works, takes the day off and
lavishes attention on boy. This pattern is repeated throughout
childhood. The boy grows up into a healthy man and gets married.
The grown man has very busy wife, who is CEO of her own company,
and who works until 8 p.m. every night. The seemingly healthy
grown man repeatedly comes down with flu, colds, etc. Nothing
seems to help him get better, so he tries tapping. He taps on his
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"repeated illness" issue with no immediate improvement in symptoms,
but he realizes that he misses his wife when she works late every
night.
He decides that there might be a secondary gain for keeping his
illnesses, such as the belief: If I get sick, people will pay more
attention to me. This is, in fact, the exact pattern he learned in
childhood.
So, the grown man taps on his feeling of needing attention from his
wife:
Even though I feel like my wife is not paying enough attention to
me, I deeply and completely accept myself. tap…tap…tap
Immediate result: Grown man realizes he can simply ask his wife for
more attention. He asks wife to take off early on Wednesdays so they
can spend some time together.
Long term result: Grown man gets sick less often, finds other
appropriate ways to get attention.
In the example above, the grown man had no conscious knowledge of
his secondary gain belief, and, his pattern of illnesses no longer
gained attention as it did in childhood. It was an old energy pattern
that no longer served him and his highest good, yet it was resurfacing
repeatedly.
Please note: in the example above the man was not getting sick on
purpose! The whole cycle was entirely unconscious on his part. A
few rounds of tapping on his getting sick issue didn’t solve the getting
sick, but it did point him in the direction of the real issue, which was
that he wanted to spend more time with his spouse.
Many health problems (both physical and psychological) have very
obvious secondary gains which no one seems to notice UNTIL THEY
TAP ON IT. We have seen so many clients get a look of
enlightenment on their faces when they realize they may have been
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unconsciously maintaining an unhealthy life pattern because it got
them something that they wanted in the past, but that no longer serves
their highest good in the present time.
You may think you want to get over a particular habit or fear, but
there may be a part of you that wants to keep that problem. Look for
the secondary gain in an issue and tap on letting go of the need for
that secondary gain, and—surprise—you will find the issue opens
right up and begins to improve.
ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF SECONDARY GAIN:
An attractive woman dates and or marries several men over a decade,
all of whom end up abusing her either physically or emotionally.
The woman divorces her most recent abuser and gains 50 pounds.
Years later woman struggles to lose weight. Diets don’t work and she
just gains more weight. The woman feels like her body is working
against her.
She discovers EFT and has new hope. She taps on food cravings and
similar issues with little result in terms of actual weight lost.
Knowing there might be a secondary gain for keeping the weight on,
she asks herself, “If I lose this weight then __________________.”
The woman has a huge “aha” moment and realizes she might holding
on to excess weight in order to look less attractive to men, so they will
not “hit” on her and so she will not begin another relationship with
another man who might abuse her just like the others did.
She taps on her unconscious fear of attracting men:
Even though I am afraid to lose weight because I will look more
attractive to men, I deeply and completely accept myself.
Even though I always attract the wrong kind of man, I deeply an
completely accept myself. Etc…
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Immediate result: The woman laughs at herself and realizes she has
been keeping the weight on to keep from attracting men. While her
conscious mind was saying “I’ve got to lose some weight!” her
unconscious mind was screaming out “I’ve got to stay fat!”
Long term result: She continues to tap on her issues of attracting
dangerous men, and she gradually loses weight with less effort than
before.
(The above example occurs frequently with women and sometimes
with men.)
TREATING YOURSELF FOR SECONDARY GAIN BLOCKS
One way to treat secondary gain is simply to tap on it directly. If your
issue does not improve with EFT use one of the following types of Set
Ups and try again. Adapt the Set Up to your specific issue.
“Even though I don’t really want to get over this problem, I deeply
and profoundly accept myself.”
“Even though part of me wants to stay sick…”
“Even though some part of me enjoys feeling this sadness…”
“Even though I don’t want to heal my grief yet…”
“Even though I like having this problem…”
If you remain stuck, seek help from a an EFT specialist or a support
group. The saddest result of secondary gain is that the people who
have the most to gain from EFT often won’t use it PRECISELY
BECAUSE IT WORKS!
You see, their system senses that EFT will very efficiently resolve a
challenging issue, but part of the mind desperately want to hang on to
that issue for protective reasons, or because that negative energy
pattern is the only one that the person’s system has known. The best
way to get around secondary gain is to tap with a practitioner or a
support group.
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EFT SUCCESS STORIES
Below are summaries of three success stories. They illustrate how
someone can apply EFT to a specific issue with success.
A HEADACHE DISSOLVES IN ONE ROUND OF TAPPING
The case study below illustrates a straight-forward physical
complaint which clears very easily, what we often call a “one-
minute miracle.”
One of my first personal successes with EFT involved a simple
headache I had after a tiring day at the office. I said the following Set
Up phrase three times and then tapped the points
Even though I have this headache, I deeply and completely accept
myself.
Even though I have this headache, I deeply and completely accept
myself.
Even though I have this headache, I deeply and completely accept
myself…tap…tap…tap…
Headache gone.
NOTE: I have had other headaches that took several rounds of tapping
to eliminate, so don’t give up if yours doesn’t disappear instantly.
Remember that if the true cause of your headache rests in some
physiological need, then your tapping will probably not make the
headache disappear. For instance, if you have consumed very little
water during the day, you may have a dehydration headache. You try
tapping, but during the tapping you may notice you feel thirsty. So
drink some water! Or, you may need to catch up on sleep and your
headache is a message from your body saying “Hey, take a nap!” So
you should take a nap!
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A “DRIVING ON AN OVERPASS” PHOBIA
This next case study shows how one short event lasting only a few
minutes can create patterns in a person’s energy system. These
patterns can exert control over that individual for the rest of her
life unless the “short circuit” is corrected with EFT.
Kathy had come to a seminar on “EFT for Weight Loss” and had
made some good progress during the day. She responded wonderfully
to EFT and at the end of the afternoon session, she asked if I could
help her with a phobia relating to driving over a particular highway
overpass in Houston.
This phobia caused her to feel fearful and tense whenever she had to
drive on this overpass or similar ones, so she would usually drive out
of her way to avoid having to go on that part of the freeway. This
particular phobia didn't appear to hamper her life tremendously, but it
was a nuisance to feel so controlled by a simple fear of driving on one
stretch of the highway.
Consciously, she felt silly not being able to drive on the highway like
any normal person. No amount of conscious reasoning would unlock
the stuck pattern in her mind-body system however, and she remained
prisoner to her emotional and physiological reactions.
Kathy even knew the source of this fear, but knowing it didn’t make
the fear go away.
She explained to me that she had been in a very bad accident on a
similar highway overpass about two decades earlier. The previous
accident had not been her fault in any way. She had come over the
hill and had run into a multi-car pileup that had started several cars
ahead of her on the freeway.
The accident had begun with only two cars, but because the overpass
went up steeply on the front side, she had not been able to see the
accident over the crest of the hill. And when she came over the top of
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the hill at about 50 mph, there was no time to stop. Several other cars
did the same, resulting in a multi-car collision.
She was not seriously injured in the wreck, but some people in
another car had been killed, and she saw their bodies being taken
away. She was taken to the hospital for minor injuries, and her
mother came to get her. Since that time, driving over similar
overpasses, especially very steep ones where the far side is not visible,
continued to scare her.
Kathy felt more than normal caution about such areas. She had so
much fear that she would simply drive far out of her way to find a
different route to where she needed to go, rather than cross such an
overpass. If she could resolve this phobia she might save herself
considerable time in getting through downtown.
We started by rating her fear of driving on the highway overpass,
which she put at about an 8 or 9 on a scale of 1 to 10. I asked her
where in her body she felt the tension when she had to drive on these
kinds of overpasses. She said her stomach and chest would feel tight
and compressed—knotted up.
First we tapped on her fear of driving on the overpass, and then we
tapped on her most obvious physical symptoms with the following Set
Ups:
“Even though I’m afraid to drive on the 610 overpass at I-10, I
deeply and completely accept myself,” and,
“Even though I have this tension in my chest and stomach when I
think about driving on that overpass…”
After each round of tapping I asked her to imagine driving over that
part of the road and to rate her anxiety.
A couple rounds with these Set Ups had brought her anxiety down a
little bit, to a 5 or 6. At that point I felt that we should move directly
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to the most obvious aspects of the anchoring event, the car accident
from her youth, and go through each of those aspects one at a time.
(This session lasted about 45 minutes, so I will summarize my
procedure order to save space. Before each round I would ask for a
rating of 1 to 10 on that particular aspect, then we would tap a round
and re-assess with a new rating of 1 to 10. If the aspect went to a
zero, we would move on to another aspect; but, if an aspect still
carried a negative feeling rated at 2 or 3 or whatever, we would
continue to repeat the same Set Up until we got that aspect down to a
zero. I won’t include all of the repetitions below, just the main Set Up
phrases.)
We started with the following Set Ups:
“Even though I ran into another car, I deeply and completely accept
myself.”
“Even though I can still hear the crunching of the metal...”
“Even though I wrecked my car…”
“Even though I still see the dead bodies from the other cars…”
After clearing a few of these aspects of the accident, Kathy felt a
lightness in her body, and a lessening of anxiety. But another aspect
continued to bother her more than the wreck and its associated
traumas. What made her feel the worst was the look on her mother’s
face when she (the mother) walked into the hospital, not knowing if
her daughter had been badly injured.
So we tapped on her guilt in that situation.
“Even though I feel really guilty about the look on my mother’s
face…” and,
“Even though I feel responsible for my mother’s fear at the
hospital…” and
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“Even though I made my mother sick with grief for several hours
while she though I might be dead…”
It was during this last set of rounds that Kathy began to feel even
better. At this point I asked her to tune into the idea of driving on that
overpass, and rate her anxiety.
She tried to vividly imagine driving over that particularly steep stretch
of highway. Before we started tapping, she had felt considerable fear
and the tightness in her chest and stomach just from thinking about
driving on that road. Now, however, she could not call up any fear.
She felt sure that she could confidently tackle that part of the
highway.
I tested her new confidence by having her imagine coming over the
crest of the hill and seeing an accident on the road below her. She
said she had maybe a little anxiety, maybe a 1 or 2 on the scale we
had been imagining. So we did a couple of rounds on:
“Even though I’m afraid it might happen again…” and
“Even though I might have another accident like the one before…”
At this point Kathy felt completely clear of this phobia. We were not
able to test her at that moment, she would have to do that on her own
by actually driving on that stretch of the freeway. It might be that she
would find a new aspect as she drove over the freeway in that spot.
Perhaps the particular time of day would trigger memories of her
previous accident, or perhaps a certain color of car in front of her
might cause her to remember more about that day in her youth. And
her symptoms might return. On the other hand, it was very possible
that she might never feel those particular symptoms in that situation
ever again.
EFT typically produces permanent relief of symptoms when the
anchoring events, or root causes, of a problem have been “cleared”
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with tapping. In this case the word “cleared” refers to the fact that the
negative emotion or negative reaction has dissipated from the
situation.
GOUT IN BOTH FEET
This next case study demonstrates the power of EFT to help a
purely “physical” problem. It also illustrates the fact that we
often know, at some level, what is really at the root of our pain.
Bob had very painful gout in his left foot and was just recovering
from gout in his right foot when I met him. Medications and other
treatments had produced a slight improvement, but the gout wasn't
going away.
After chatting for a few minutes about EFT, Bob rated his pain for
me. Sitting down he gave it an 8 on a scale of 1 to 10, but he said it
would probably be a ten if he were to put any weight on it. (He was
using a walking stick to get around without hurting his foot.)
We started by tapping on the pain itself, and the swelling, just to see
what would happen. We used the following Set Ups:
“Even though my foot hurts I deeply and completely accept
myself…”
“Even though I have this pain in my foot…”
“Even though my foot is swollen…”
We made very little progress with these Set Up statements. Bob said
the tapping felt good, and he felt maybe a little relaxation in his foot.
He rated the pain at about a 6 or 7. We did a couple more rounds, but
the pain did not decrease noticeably.
I had already suspected that we would need to address some deeper
issues than the obvious presenting symptoms. For those with
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hypnotherapy training or who have read Louise Hay’s book Heal
Your Body, you know that a problem with the feet can represent fear
of moving forward, or fear of the future.
I asked Bob if he had any clues as to a potential emotional cause for
his gout. Bob was very open minded about pursuing an emotional or
mind-body connection, but we didn't get anywhere for the next few
minutes. So I asked Bob to fill-in-the-blank on the following
statement to draw out his unconscious knowledge.
“If I get over this gout then I will have to ______________” ???
As soon as I got to the blank, Bob grinned and blurted out “I’ll have to
go back to work!” Eureka, we found it!
I had a strong intuition that the job issue had everything to do with the
gout. So I asked for any reason why he would want to miss work, and
he gave me a rundown of his current work situation.
Bob worked at a very successful and fast growing company that
always seemed to be short on employees, owing to the constant
increase in new customers. Being a supervisor and minority owner in
the company, he felt tremendous pressure to take up the slack so that
customers would get good service. For Bob that meant 10 – 12 hour
days and working some Saturdays as well. (He is an artist and
novelist to boot, and 12 hour days leave little time for a second
career.)
Bob had worked this grueling schedule for a long time and saw no end
in site. As long as the company kept growing, they would always be
short on employees, and Bob would seldom, if ever, get a day off or a
vacation.
As he told this story, I didn’t have to connect the dots for him, he
could see an obvious connection between gout and having some time
off of work. When he had had gout in his other foot, he had missed
about four days of work, and now he was missing several more.
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So now we had a lot to tap on. We used a number of Set Up phrases
for the next 20 minutes or so, but for the sake of brevity I will
summarize the procedure below. Here are some of the statements
which we used:
“Even though I feel like I will never get a break from work….”
“Even though I see no end in site to my heavy workload…”
“Even though I feel guilty taking time off from work, because I own
part of the company, and I feel responsible for its success…”
“Even though I think things will fall apart if I don’t take up the
slack…”
“Even though I feel guilty asking the company to hire more help…”
and so on…
I periodically asked for a rating on Bob’s pain. Both the pain and the
swelling came down considerably while we tapped, and Bob reported
feeling “whooshes” and “zings” of energy flowing from his feet out
his head during some of the rounds. His foot grew noticeably smaller
before our very eyes.
We ran out of time, though, and had to wrap things up with Bob’s
pain still at about a 1 or 2. We had made progress in finding an
emotional root for the gout, and Bob could continue to use EFT on his
own if he chose to do so.
A few days later he reported that the gout pain had continued to
subside and he had returned to work the next Monday (we had tapped
on a Saturday). More importantly, he informed his boss that he was
going to work a more reasonable schedule in the future. He had no
guilt about asking for this change. His attitude toward work had
shifted considerably during our session of tapping.
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The success stories above represent only a fraction of what the
Emotional Freedom Techniques can do. The tapping process can
literally be applied to ANY issue in your life!
COMMON QUESTIONS ABOUT EFT:
What will happen when I tap, will I feel anything changing?
Sometimes when you tap you will feel a physical change in your
body, usually indicated by a big yawn, is deep breath, a burp,
laughter, or a noticeable relaxation in your shoulders, throat, or
stomach. Other times people report feeling “lighter” all over.
Are there any negative side effects of EFT?
As for side effects, here are the ones I have encountered:
--a feeling of relaxation after tapping
--tiredness and a need for extra sleep after an intense breakthrough
--excessive yawning or even burping (energy shifts are taking place)
Aren’t there more points on the body that can be tapped?
Absolutely. You can tap on many other points than the seven shown
on the basic diagram. You can learn more about the other points in
the advanced trainings available at www.joyfulmission.com.
What if I am driving my car and I want to tap, but I can’t tap on
the SH point, how do I do the Set Up?
One of the best times to tap on issues is while you are driving or
waiting at stoplights. As you try car tapping you may find it hard to
tap the side of one hand with another. I use the Collarbone spot for
the Set Up phrase while I am driving a car or if one of my hands is
full at any time. But any spot will do for the set up.
How long will it take me to learn EFT?
To learn the mechanics of EFT will take you about one hour. To learn
the art of delivery of EFT will require additional training and practice
over a period of weeks or months.